Boundaries | TBN

Boundaries

Watch Boundaries
November 14, 2017
27:31

Doing Life with Jefferson & Alyssa Bethke

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Boundaries

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  • # Badaba
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  • Badaba
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  • Badaba
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  • Bababa
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  • Badababa
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  • We came, we saw, and we conquered
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  • Felt the world beneath our feet
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  • It was hopes, it was dreams
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  • But above everything, it was you
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  • Right here with me
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  • - Welcome guys to Doing Life.
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  • We are so excited to be with you
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  • and today we are going to be talking about boundaries
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  • and we really believe in healthy relationships
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  • and you know when we say boundaries, some people are like,
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  • what are boundaries and what does
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  • that have to do with a relationship?
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  • So my way of explaining it is kind
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  • of setting yourself up for success.
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  • Setting your marriage up, your relationship up,
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  • so both of you flourish and it's really to prevent
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  • any of the foxes from getting.
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  • - Yeah, what is that, Song of Solomon verse I think?
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  • Yeah, Song of Solomon and foxes could be anything from
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  • maybe an adulteress or maybe it's just having a hard heart
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  • towards them or not being thankful
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  • or whatever it may be.
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  • Preventing those foxes from coming in
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  • and setting your marriage up
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  • so it's well protected so your garden can grow.
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  • - Because the picture, and I'll let you keep going,
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  • but the picture that Song of Solomon gives,
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  • just for context, which I love.
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  • Is that your marriage is a vineyard
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  • and the foxes are these little animals
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  • that'll come in and nibble at the grapes
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  • and that's essentially the picture
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  • and so instead of this, a lot of times,
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  • marriages aren't ruined necessarily by the huge storm.
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  • They're ruined or they at least start going.
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  • - All the little things.
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  • - Yeah, by the little things,
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  • the little grapes being eaten by the foxes so yeah.
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  • - And Satan wants nothing more than to destroy
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  • and bring down your marriage
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  • because marriage is GOd's picture to people
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  • to show them this is what I'm like,
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  • this is how I love the church
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  • and how we're to dedicate ourself
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  • to the Lord and when we have a healthy marriage,
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  • people are like wow I wanna know more about your God
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  • and when you don't have a healthy marriage then
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  • they're like uh and Satan can really get in and destroy.
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  • - This makes me think of, you know we're in
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  • the thick of parenting right now
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  • and that means we have a three year old
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  • and a one year old.
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  • It's obviously a different dynamic than a marriage
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  • cause it's not equal with the parents and kids
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  • but it's similar in regards
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  • to boundaries are important, right?
  • 00:02:26.200 --> 00:02:28.210
  • - We have to be careful cause in our generation
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  • we can think boundaries are legalistic
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  • and we try to run from that
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  • when really it is important.
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  • - I think sometimes in the grace movement
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  • which means we are grace people to death.
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  • We have life and joy and beauty because of grace
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  • but I think in that particular sphere
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  • we can over do it in the sense of
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  • if it takes work, it must be legalistic.
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  • - Or if it's a rule or a, yeah.
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  • - Here's a better way to put it.
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  • Legalism is where you're stealing joy from yourself
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  • or from your relationship because the rules
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  • are overbearing and have no life.
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  • Boundaries are the rules you set
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  • in place to give you more life.
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  • - That's so good.
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  • - That's the difference, right?
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  • And I think, like you said,
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  • think back to our kids, Kinsley and Ken
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  • and we're trying to set them up
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  • for the most abundant life
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  • and they'll have the most abundant life
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  • if they don't touch the stove
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  • and if they don't run out in the middle of the street
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  • and if they don't do these things.
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  • So the best way we like to think about boundaries
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  • in marriage with two co-equals
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  • is it's kind of like a fence, right?
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  • You're putting these safe guards in your marriage
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  • to protect it so that the weeds don't get in,
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  • so that the animals don't get in or whatever
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  • and that's really what it's about
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  • is you're setting up a fence
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  • and a boundary to guard your marriage
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  • and that's the question, do you guard it?
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  • A lot of people, I think, don't even put things in place
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  • to guard it and so that's important.
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  • That's what we're talking about today
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  • and we wanna toss real quick to a video by Lysa TerKeurst
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  • on how your thoughts can destroy any relationship
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  • or your relationship specifically so take a look.
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  • (optimistic music)
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  • - I really wish that I was not an expert
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  • at ruining relationships but
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  • I think sometimes I really get in trouble with
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  • assigning thoughts to other people that they never think.
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  • In other words, I think the quickest way
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  • to ruin a relationship is when you put something,
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  • a dialog on somebody that they've never had with you.
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  • A thought that they didn't think
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  • and a perception that they're not even having.
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  • Let me break it down this way.
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  • There's a lady at the gym who
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  • I was absolutely convinced hated me
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  • because I got on the elliptical one day
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  • and let me just say,
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  • she had that body that not, I mean,
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  • there wasn't even an ounce of fat on her.
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  • Not even her belly button, okay?
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  • She was just that girl at the gym.
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  • Like she had it perfect.
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  • Going on, awesome.
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  • The only thing tight on me was my ponytail, okay.
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  • So I get on the elliptical beside her
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  • and I kind of got this feeling
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  • like for every other marshmallow feeling woman out there
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  • that I had to keep up with skinny girl beside me.
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  • So I get on the elliptical and I am trying my hardest
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  • to stay in tune, in sync, exactly with her,
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  • and kind of had this thought like I think I can take her.
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  • Like I think I can beat her
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  • and then a friend called me and I know it's against
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  • the rules to answer your phone
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  • when you're on the treadmill
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  • or on the elliptical but this friend was
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  • having a really hard so I thought I'll just talk
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  • really softly and I won't bother her a bit
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  • and I'll talk really quickly.
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  • So I answered my phone but I've been working so hard
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  • to keep up with the skinny girl beside me
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  • that I felt like a lung was gonna pop out of my mouth
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  • at any moment and I just couldn't talk quietly
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  • and the conversation wasn't as quick
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  • as I'd hoped it would be and by the time I hung up,
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  • the girl beside me was super frustrated.
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  • She got off the elliptical, she huffed across the gym,
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  • she got on the treadmill and I was convinced she hated me.
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  • So every day I walked into the gym
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  • and I would see her and I would assign her
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  • all these thoughts of hate
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  • that she surely had toward me
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  • and then one day she stunned me.
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  • She came out of the bathroom as I was walking
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  • in the bathroom in the gym and she smiled at me
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  • and it wasn't a smile like hey
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  • I'm about to whip your tail on the gym floor.
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  • It wasn't that kind of smile, it was super friendly.
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  • So then I went to the bathroom
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  • and I came Out and I got on the elliptical
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  • and, going much slower this time,
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  • cause I definitely wasn't trying to keep up with her
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  • and I started thinking I don't think she ever hated me.
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  • I think this whole deal was a perceived
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  • rejection on my part.
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  • I think I assigned her thoughts, assigned her perceptions
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  • that she never ever even had.
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  • That's the quickest way to ruin a relationship
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  • and I don't just do it at the gym
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  • with the lady on the elliptical beside me.
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  • I do it with my marriage, I do it with my kids,
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  • I make assumptions, I develop scenarios.
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  • I have whole conversations in my head
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  • about wrong thoughts and bad feelings
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  • that they're certainly having and I assign
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  • all of that to them and it ratchets my emotions up
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  • so that if I'm doing it to my husband,
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  • by the time he gets home, I'll be short and snappy
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  • and crazy acting and I'll say
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  • I just know you thought all day about how you wish
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  • you had a wife that wasn't so emotional
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  • and he'll say I never had that conversation with you, Lysa.
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  • Lysa, you've just assigned me thoughts
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  • that I wasn't even thinking
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  • and so we back up and we unpack it
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  • and I settle down and I realize perceived rejection.
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  • I think it's having an effect on more of us
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  • than we'd even like and I believe it is
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  • one of the quickest ways to ruin a relationship.
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  • (optimistic music)
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  • - So I love that video.
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  • Lysa TerKeurst really hits it on the head
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  • about how the mind is really where it starts
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  • about guarding your relationship
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  • and especially, I don't know, maybe you can speak
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  • into the guys on this one,
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  • but especially for the girls, I feel like it is all the mind
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  • and the mind is totally a battlefield
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  • and I think where the foxes can get in
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  • is when maybe you are discontent and struggling
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  • and so you see somebody else's husband
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  • and you're like oh wow, I love how he plays with the kids
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  • or look at how he serves his wife.
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  • I wish my husband was like that
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  • and I think the scary thing about it
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  • is that the mind is your isolated
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  • and it's only you and the Lord
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  • that knows your thoughts, nobody else knows it.
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  • So it can go on for a
  • 00:08:17.140 --> 00:08:18.220
  • really long time until you develop this heart
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  • that is hard against your husband
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  • and he may not have a clue.
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  • He may not know why all of a sudden his wife
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  • is so harsh towards him. - Because you're thinking it,
  • 00:08:26.150 --> 00:08:27.160
  • not saying it.
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  • - It's because it's all in the mind
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  • and so really having integrity, having purity,
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  • and really taking your mind to the Lord,
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  • and asking him, okay God, how can I make my mind as loving
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  • and having a thankful heart towards my husband
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  • as I can instead of having these bitter thoughts
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  • or comparison, all these things that we,
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  • especially as women, struggle with in the mind.
  • 00:08:47.240 --> 00:08:49.280
  • - One of the things you even mention too
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  • of like thinking about people's husbands
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  • or other people's wives.
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  • That's a thought thing.
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  • I think the quote I've heard is comparison
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  • is the thief to true joy.
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  • - It is.
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  • - Meaning like you're not gonna have true joy.
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  • - And women especially struggle with that.
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  • - Exactly, you're not gonna have true joy
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  • if you're comparing your marriage to other marriages.
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  • If you're comparing your spouse to other spouses
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  • because God didn't give you the other person's spouse.
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  • God gave you that person and I think that's something
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  • we've had to walk through even if like,
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  • we have particular personalities.
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  • We have a particular marriage.
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  • We have a particular life that doesn't match our friends.-
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  • - That's so true, even as a couple, you're right.
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  • - And another thing I'll just mention too
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  • is I can't think of one failed marriage, divorce,
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  • whether it was a divorce
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  • or pornography came into the marriage
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  • or this or that where it didn't start with thoughts.
  • 00:09:32.200 --> 00:09:34.140
  • - Yeah, well any sin starts with a thought.
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  • It becomes a thought which becomes an action
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  • which then becomes the sin and then the death.
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  • - Exactly and I think that's in James
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  • where it even talks about that.
  • 00:09:43.000 --> 00:09:44.040
  • With it's almost like this pregnancy
  • 00:09:44.060 --> 00:09:45.120
  • where you're giving birth and then the baby
  • 00:09:45.140 --> 00:09:47.020
  • and then it breeds death and continually on and on
  • 00:09:47.040 --> 00:09:50.030
  • and so I think that's one thing
  • 00:09:50.050 --> 00:09:51.200
  • we wanna challenge you guys with is do you compare?
  • 00:09:51.220 --> 00:09:54.030
  • That's one huge practical way to take away with that
  • 00:09:54.050 --> 00:09:56.140
  • and then also do you take your thoughts captive?
  • 00:09:56.160 --> 00:09:59.000
  • You know the Lord in the scriptures actually ...
  • 00:09:59.020 --> 00:10:00.230
  • - Guarding every thought.
  • 00:10:00.250 --> 00:10:01.250
  • - Exactly, we were commanded
  • 00:10:01.270 --> 00:10:03.060
  • to actually take our thoughts captive
  • 00:10:03.080 --> 00:10:05.100
  • Meaning, you're in charge of your mind
  • 00:10:05.120 --> 00:10:07.250
  • and when you actually realize that
  • 00:10:07.270 --> 00:10:09.150
  • and take advantage of that, it breeds a lot of health
  • 00:10:09.170 --> 00:10:12.000
  • and a lot of joy in your relationship
  • 00:10:12.020 --> 00:10:13.100
  • because you'll have a thought and you'll say,
  • 00:10:13.120 --> 00:10:15.060
  • oh, I need to cut that out.
  • 00:10:15.080 --> 00:10:16.230
  • Remind myself of truth and all these different things.
  • 00:10:16.250 --> 00:10:18.040
  • - And I think that's the main thing
  • 00:10:18.060 --> 00:10:19.120
  • because we're human so we are gonna have
  • 00:10:19.140 --> 00:10:20.280
  • these thoughts but the sin isn't the thought itself
  • 00:10:21.000 --> 00:10:23.190
  • but it's what you do with the thought.
  • 00:10:23.210 --> 00:10:25.060
  • So are you gonna dwell on it, are you gonna keep going,
  • 00:10:25.080 --> 00:10:26.250
  • or you're gonna say, oh that's not true and then think
  • 00:10:26.270 --> 00:10:28.230
  • about something else.
  • 00:10:28.250 --> 00:10:29.220
  • - And make it really practical.
  • 00:10:29.240 --> 00:10:31.120
  • One of the things that even Alysaa we just talked about
  • 00:10:31.140 --> 00:10:32.280
  • a couple days ago is write down the lies you believe
  • 00:10:33.000 --> 00:10:36.090
  • and then write down the truth that answers that lie
  • 00:10:36.110 --> 00:10:39.060
  • and then when that happens is when that pops up,
  • 00:10:39.080 --> 00:10:40.230
  • you kind of think of this
  • 00:10:40.250 --> 00:10:41.290
  • mathematical equation you wrote down
  • 00:10:42.010 --> 00:10:43.130
  • and it kind of pops back in your head with the truth
  • 00:10:43.150 --> 00:10:45.180
  • and that reminds you that God is good.
  • 00:10:45.200 --> 00:10:46.260
  • - Well it's how to put off and how to put on.
  • 00:10:46.280 --> 00:10:48.120
  • - Exactly, so put off the lies, put on the truth.
  • 00:10:48.140 --> 00:10:50.210
  • The battleground is in the mind,
  • 00:10:50.230 --> 00:10:52.020
  • that's how you create healthy relationships.
  • 00:10:52.040 --> 00:10:55.280
  • (optimistic music)
  • 00:10:56.000 --> 00:10:58.270
  • - Hey guys, I'm Alyssa, this is my husband Jeff
  • 00:11:00.210 --> 00:11:02.190
  • and one of our absolute favorite things
  • 00:11:02.210 --> 00:11:04.010
  • is connecting with you guys on social media.
  • 00:11:04.030 --> 00:11:06.240
  • Facebook, Twitter, Instagram.
  • 00:11:06.260 --> 00:11:09.000
  • Come check it out so we can connect with you.
  • 00:11:09.020 --> 00:11:10.250
  • So look us up, Jeff and Alyssa Bethke.
  • 00:11:10.270 --> 00:11:12.240
  • B-E-T-H-K-E, come say hi.
  • 00:11:12.260 --> 00:11:15.150
  • - [Narrator] Join over 60 million people
  • 00:11:15.170 --> 00:11:17.010
  • who have connected with Jeff and Alyssa on social media.
  • 00:11:17.030 --> 00:11:20.010
  • You can find them on YouTube, Facebook,
  • 00:11:20.030 --> 00:11:21.260
  • and Twitter as well as their website.
  • 00:11:21.280 --> 00:11:23.240
  • Jeffandalyssa.co
  • 00:11:23.260 --> 00:11:25.060
  • - We're so excited to tell you about these two guide books
  • 00:11:27.090 --> 00:11:29.100
  • and then also our main book, Love That Lasts.
  • 00:11:29.120 --> 00:11:32.030
  • Now, what this is, is these are books that we wrote
  • 00:11:32.050 --> 00:11:34.080
  • that came from our story, two of them are guide books
  • 00:11:34.100 --> 00:11:36.110
  • so they have exercises and kind
  • 00:11:36.130 --> 00:11:37.230
  • of fill in the blanks and things like that.
  • 00:11:37.250 --> 00:11:38.230
  • - And Him and Her.
  • 00:11:38.250 --> 00:11:40.060
  • - Yeah, things of that nature and then a main book
  • 00:11:40.080 --> 00:11:41.140
  • that's our story, that's our journey
  • 00:11:41.160 --> 00:11:42.220
  • of dating, breaking up, getting engaged,
  • 00:11:42.240 --> 00:11:44.290
  • getting married, having kids,
  • 00:11:45.010 --> 00:11:46.290
  • and what these three books in total
  • 00:11:47.010 --> 00:11:48.200
  • are trying to do is the answer the question
  • 00:11:48.220 --> 00:11:50.150
  • of what's God's vision for marriage, for sexuality,
  • 00:11:50.170 --> 00:11:54.090
  • for the journey we're on in dating
  • 00:11:54.110 --> 00:11:56.010
  • and engagement and romance.
  • 00:11:56.030 --> 00:11:58.000
  • - And in the work books are just things we've learned
  • 00:11:58.020 --> 00:11:59.140
  • on the 12 main topics in marriage.
  • 00:11:59.160 --> 00:12:01.160
  • You know, communication, conflict, and the mentors
  • 00:12:01.180 --> 00:12:03.230
  • that have poured into us
  • 00:12:03.250 --> 00:12:05.020
  • and given us so much wisdom on those topics.
  • 00:12:05.040 --> 00:12:07.040
  • - [Narrator] Receive your copy
  • 00:12:07.060 --> 00:12:08.140
  • of Love That Lasts as TBN's thank you
  • 00:12:08.160 --> 00:12:10.190
  • for any gift of support today
  • 00:12:10.210 --> 00:12:12.200
  • and with a gift of $70 or more,
  • 00:12:12.220 --> 00:12:15.010
  • we'll also include the His and Hers interactive work books.
  • 00:12:15.030 --> 00:12:18.230
  • Call or click now to share a gift and request yours
  • 00:12:18.250 --> 00:12:22.010
  • and start building a Love That Lasts.
  • 00:12:22.030 --> 00:12:25.020
  • (optimistic music)
  • 00:12:26.060 --> 00:12:29.020
  • - Okay, so we are all about boundaries in a relationship.
  • 00:12:32.070 --> 00:12:34.150
  • Not that it has to be legalistic
  • 00:12:34.170 --> 00:12:36.070
  • but setting yourself up to flourish.
  • 00:12:36.090 --> 00:12:39.060
  • - Make practical rules, abide by em.
  • 00:12:39.080 --> 00:12:40.210
  • - Yes, to flourish in the relationship
  • 00:12:40.230 --> 00:12:42.290
  • so we have a video about that.
  • 00:12:43.010 --> 00:12:44.110
  • Something that you should never do.
  • 00:12:44.130 --> 00:12:47.080
  • - I'm gonna keep that in. (laughs)
  • 00:12:47.100 --> 00:12:48.130
  • - You better not.
  • 00:12:48.150 --> 00:12:50.050
  • - Hey guys, Jeff and Alyssa here.
  • 00:12:50.070 --> 00:12:51.140
  • One thing we wanna talk about this week
  • 00:12:51.160 --> 00:12:52.190
  • is actually something we don't get asked often
  • 00:12:52.210 --> 00:12:54.060
  • and that's because it's most commonly overlooked
  • 00:12:54.080 --> 00:12:56.060
  • as something very powerful in a relationship
  • 00:12:56.080 --> 00:12:58.060
  • and that's whether you either speak life into your spouse
  • 00:12:58.080 --> 00:13:01.110
  • or into your boyfriend or girlfriend
  • 00:13:01.130 --> 00:13:02.270
  • or you kinda speak death or you don't speak well of them
  • 00:13:02.290 --> 00:13:04.250
  • of your boyfriend or girlfriend or your spouse
  • 00:13:04.270 --> 00:13:06.210
  • and I know you have a lot of thoughts on that
  • 00:13:06.230 --> 00:13:08.090
  • and I love what you have to say on that
  • 00:13:08.110 --> 00:13:09.060
  • so what would you start with?
  • 00:13:09.080 --> 00:13:10.130
  • - Yeah, I think it's very common maybe more
  • 00:13:10.150 --> 00:13:12.060
  • with women about you get talking and you're talking
  • 00:13:12.080 --> 00:13:14.210
  • about your boyfriend or your husband.
  • 00:13:14.230 --> 00:13:16.030
  • - With your girl friends, yeah.
  • 00:13:16.050 --> 00:13:17.100
  • - With your girl friends and it's really
  • 00:13:17.120 --> 00:13:18.170
  • easy to talk really poorly of them.
  • 00:13:18.190 --> 00:13:19.220
  • Whether you're gossiping or slandering
  • 00:13:19.240 --> 00:13:21.130
  • or complaining about him in front of your girl friends.
  • 00:13:21.150 --> 00:13:24.090
  • - It's not very direct, it's just kind
  • 00:13:24.110 --> 00:13:25.260
  • of like little comments about something maybe
  • 00:13:25.280 --> 00:13:27.120
  • you don't like about them or bother you.
  • 00:13:27.140 --> 00:13:29.060
  • - Yeah, that just tear down at them
  • 00:13:29.080 --> 00:13:30.220
  • or don't give a good light to them
  • 00:13:30.240 --> 00:13:33.170
  • and I think we as women especially just really need
  • 00:13:33.190 --> 00:13:36.150
  • to be careful of that and making sure
  • 00:13:36.170 --> 00:13:38.130
  • that you're honoring your husband
  • 00:13:38.150 --> 00:13:40.090
  • or your boyfriend with your words.
  • 00:13:40.110 --> 00:13:43.200
  • Speaking well of them, giving life to a situation,
  • 00:13:43.220 --> 00:13:47.280
  • and not that you can, I think there's a line.
  • 00:13:48.000 --> 00:13:50.020
  • It's not that you can't be honest
  • 00:13:50.040 --> 00:13:51.070
  • cause things are gonna be hard
  • 00:13:51.090 --> 00:13:52.150
  • and obviously they're gonna do things
  • 00:13:52.170 --> 00:13:53.170
  • that you don't like that they do
  • 00:13:53.190 --> 00:13:56.200
  • but not, just really checking your heart
  • 00:13:56.220 --> 00:13:59.250
  • and not complaining about it
  • 00:13:59.270 --> 00:14:01.070
  • or bringing that up in that setting.
  • 00:14:01.090 --> 00:14:02.280
  • If there is something that's really bothering you
  • 00:14:03.000 --> 00:14:04.180
  • about them then to have a older couple
  • 00:14:04.200 --> 00:14:08.110
  • that you both agree on.
  • 00:14:08.130 --> 00:14:10.160
  • You both really love, in marriage.
  • 00:14:10.180 --> 00:14:13.150
  • Dating is a little different
  • 00:14:13.170 --> 00:14:14.240
  • but that you both really agree that are for you,
  • 00:14:14.260 --> 00:14:16.200
  • for your marriage that you can go to
  • 00:14:16.220 --> 00:14:18.070
  • and talk to, be like hey help me understand this situation.
  • 00:14:18.090 --> 00:14:21.040
  • How do I work through this situation?
  • 00:14:21.060 --> 00:14:24.130
  • But it's not a time to go
  • 00:14:24.150 --> 00:14:25.240
  • and talk about your girl friends with it
  • 00:14:25.260 --> 00:14:27.090
  • and then everyone bashing their husbands together.
  • 00:14:27.110 --> 00:14:30.230
  • I think that's really dangerous
  • 00:14:30.250 --> 00:14:32.230
  • and then you go home and you suddenly
  • 00:14:32.250 --> 00:14:34.210
  • don't like your husband even more
  • 00:14:34.230 --> 00:14:35.260
  • because you've been bashing him.
  • 00:14:35.280 --> 00:14:37.070
  • - Yeah, there's a lot of stereotypes about that.
  • 00:14:37.090 --> 00:14:39.050
  • If guys maybe with the beers and bros
  • 00:14:39.070 --> 00:14:40.220
  • hanging out at the fire and just like all my wife nags me
  • 00:14:40.240 --> 00:14:42.290
  • or she does this, she does that,
  • 00:14:43.010 --> 00:14:44.180
  • and the cool part about the community we're apart
  • 00:14:44.200 --> 00:14:46.010
  • is I know me and my friends, we don't stand for that
  • 00:14:46.030 --> 00:14:48.010
  • and so it's very much actually a culture
  • 00:14:48.030 --> 00:14:49.150
  • where we all uplift our wives and build up our wives
  • 00:14:49.170 --> 00:14:51.140
  • and just talk about how awesome they are
  • 00:14:51.160 --> 00:14:53.190
  • and it does something really special
  • 00:14:53.210 --> 00:14:54.150
  • and I know she does that
  • 00:14:54.170 --> 00:14:55.140
  • with her girlfriends as well
  • 00:14:55.160 --> 00:14:56.170
  • and yet be humble and apologize.
  • 00:14:56.190 --> 00:14:58.100
  • I know we've been in instances.
  • 00:14:58.120 --> 00:14:59.260
  • I even just thought of a friend
  • 00:14:59.280 --> 00:15:01.050
  • who did this little bit back where
  • 00:15:01.070 --> 00:15:03.000
  • I don't think he spoke ill of his wife
  • 00:15:03.020 --> 00:15:04.260
  • but he just said maybe, I don't know,
  • 00:15:04.280 --> 00:15:06.090
  • it was one of those things that was so small
  • 00:15:06.110 --> 00:15:07.070
  • that we didn't even notice
  • 00:15:07.090 --> 00:15:08.180
  • and all of a sudden I got a text 30 minutes
  • 00:15:08.200 --> 00:15:10.070
  • after we left hanging out with them and it was,
  • 00:15:10.090 --> 00:15:11.220
  • Hey man, I didn't love how I said this
  • 00:15:11.240 --> 00:15:13.150
  • or I didn't love how that
  • 00:15:13.170 --> 00:15:14.250
  • maybe made my wife feel in that moment
  • 00:15:14.270 --> 00:15:17.170
  • and so and he said will you forgive me
  • 00:15:17.190 --> 00:15:19.030
  • and I was just like so blown away of that humility
  • 00:15:19.050 --> 00:15:21.110
  • and that kind of accountability he was creating
  • 00:15:21.130 --> 00:15:24.100
  • of in our community for all of us
  • 00:15:24.120 --> 00:15:26.110
  • to then rise up to that standard and so, yeah, it's simple
  • 00:15:26.130 --> 00:15:30.210
  • but it's something that if you implement
  • 00:15:30.230 --> 00:15:33.050
  • in your relationship, dating or married,
  • 00:15:33.070 --> 00:15:35.140
  • just speak life, just watch your words.
  • 00:15:35.160 --> 00:15:38.210
  • Lift them up, bless them up, compliment them,
  • 00:15:38.230 --> 00:15:42.060
  • and encourage them and if you do that
  • 00:15:42.080 --> 00:15:43.250
  • over and over and over again it starts really
  • 00:15:43.270 --> 00:15:45.170
  • building them up and when two people are doing that,
  • 00:15:45.190 --> 00:15:47.080
  • it really creates this kind of climbing culture
  • 00:15:47.100 --> 00:15:49.150
  • of the couple that betters both of you together
  • 00:15:49.170 --> 00:15:52.100
  • so that's all I'd say, you got anything else?
  • 00:15:52.120 --> 00:15:53.270
  • - No, that's it.
  • 00:15:53.290 --> 00:15:55.170
  • - Awesome, love you guys, talk to you later, peace.
  • 00:15:55.190 --> 00:15:56.200
  • (optimistic music)
  • 00:15:56.220 --> 00:15:58.030
  • And that's a perfect example
  • 00:15:58.050 --> 00:15:59.180
  • of one good helpful, healthy relationship boundary
  • 00:15:59.200 --> 00:16:02.290
  • and I know that something,
  • 00:16:03.010 --> 00:16:04.170
  • I don't feel like we've actually really struggled
  • 00:16:04.190 --> 00:16:05.100
  • with that one as much.
  • 00:16:05.120 --> 00:16:06.180
  • - So many friends.
  • 00:16:06.200 --> 00:16:07.260
  • - But friends struggled with that
  • 00:16:07.280 --> 00:16:09.030
  • and I think we've seen the good side
  • 00:16:09.050 --> 00:16:10.120
  • of that of men when we don't talk about
  • 00:16:10.140 --> 00:16:11.240
  • each other bad in public, it goes well for us.
  • 00:16:11.260 --> 00:16:14.150
  • - It honors the other person.
  • 00:16:14.170 --> 00:16:15.140
  • - And it creates so much unity.
  • 00:16:15.160 --> 00:16:17.010
  • I feel like we've never had an argument or a fight
  • 00:16:17.030 --> 00:16:19.020
  • or something sneak into our marriage
  • 00:16:19.040 --> 00:16:21.020
  • simply because we talked bad about the other person
  • 00:16:21.040 --> 00:16:23.210
  • and I think that's something that is worth fighting for
  • 00:16:23.230 --> 00:16:25.290
  • and worth doing and, yeah, live we've talked about
  • 00:16:26.010 --> 00:16:28.000
  • in the video, we've seen other sides of the coin
  • 00:16:28.020 --> 00:16:29.240
  • where some marriages and relationships do that
  • 00:16:29.260 --> 00:16:31.250
  • and it's kind of like this nagging weight.
  • 00:16:31.270 --> 00:16:34.030
  • I almost see it as every time a spouse
  • 00:16:34.050 --> 00:16:36.030
  • talks bad about the other spouse, especially
  • 00:16:36.050 --> 00:16:38.020
  • when they're not there
  • 00:16:38.040 --> 00:16:39.110
  • or when they are in the same room.
  • 00:16:39.130 --> 00:16:40.230
  • It kind of is almost like attaching
  • 00:16:40.250 --> 00:16:42.010
  • a little five pound weight to that marriage
  • 00:16:42.030 --> 00:16:43.170
  • and you just keep doing that.
  • 00:16:43.190 --> 00:16:44.170
  • - And the whole room, really.
  • 00:16:44.190 --> 00:16:46.050
  • - Yeah, in the whole room and if you keep doing that,
  • 00:16:46.070 --> 00:16:47.110
  • keep doing that, it just weighs down the marriage
  • 00:16:47.130 --> 00:16:49.040
  • and if you start adding enough weight,
  • 00:16:49.060 --> 00:16:50.100
  • they can't carry it anymore.
  • 00:16:50.120 --> 00:16:51.180
  • They can't carry it
  • 00:16:51.200 --> 00:16:52.160
  • and it's clear from scripture
  • 00:16:52.180 --> 00:16:54.240
  • that words are powerful and so that one
  • 00:16:54.260 --> 00:16:57.070
  • is one that we try to make very specific
  • 00:16:57.090 --> 00:16:59.160
  • and say, okay, if words are powerful.
  • 00:16:59.180 --> 00:17:01.180
  • If words create life or death as James says.
  • 00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:04.060
  • Then we want to make a rule, make a boundary,
  • 00:17:04.080 --> 00:17:06.250
  • that our words in our marriage
  • 00:17:06.270 --> 00:17:08.060
  • are only gonna create life
  • 00:17:08.080 --> 00:17:09.290
  • and it just saves division.
  • 00:17:10.010 --> 00:17:11.030
  • - And not that it's lying.
  • 00:17:11.050 --> 00:17:12.120
  • It's just uplifting and honoring them in public.
  • 00:17:12.140 --> 00:17:15.100
  • - Yeah, I think it's about honoring.
  • 00:17:15.120 --> 00:17:16.080
  • That's a good way to put it
  • 00:17:16.100 --> 00:17:17.060
  • and so it's all about honoring
  • 00:17:17.080 --> 00:17:18.190
  • and all about uplifting your spouse.
  • 00:17:18.210 --> 00:17:22.110
  • Let me give you one quick example that I thought of.
  • 00:17:22.130 --> 00:17:24.050
  • Of how sensitive I think it is helpful to be to this.
  • 00:17:24.070 --> 00:17:26.280
  • We have a couple friend of ours.
  • 00:17:27.000 --> 00:17:28.070
  • You know Nate and Jenna, they're amazing
  • 00:17:28.090 --> 00:17:30.000
  • and they're one of those couples that we love,
  • 00:17:30.020 --> 00:17:31.240
  • they love the Lord and they work hard
  • 00:17:31.260 --> 00:17:33.000
  • at these things as well'
  • 00:17:33.020 --> 00:17:34.100
  • and I just remember one particular instance
  • 00:17:34.120 --> 00:17:36.100
  • where we had just left hanging out with them
  • 00:17:36.120 --> 00:17:38.220
  • and 15 minutes after we left,
  • 00:17:38.240 --> 00:17:40.060
  • I got a text from the husband Nate
  • 00:17:40.080 --> 00:17:42.100
  • and he basically said, hey man, I'm sorry.
  • 00:17:42.120 --> 00:17:44.090
  • I made a small comment about Jenna in the room.
  • 00:17:44.110 --> 00:17:47.230
  • - Which we didn't even notice cause
  • 00:17:47.250 --> 00:17:48.270
  • it wasn't even that big of a deal.
  • 00:17:48.290 --> 00:17:50.120
  • - Exactly, he just said, I didn't feel right about it.
  • 00:17:50.140 --> 00:17:51.190
  • I felt like it was maybe hurtful to her
  • 00:17:51.210 --> 00:17:52.260
  • or not honoring and kinda demeaning to her
  • 00:17:52.280 --> 00:17:54.280
  • and I just remember reading that text and going oh man.
  • 00:17:55.000 --> 00:17:57.200
  • I was just blown away because like you said.
  • 00:17:57.220 --> 00:17:59.090
  • - And his humility.
  • 00:17:59.110 --> 00:18:00.220
  • - It was so small, we didn't even notice it
  • 00:18:00.240 --> 00:18:02.130
  • and for him to be so sensitive to their marriage
  • 00:18:02.150 --> 00:18:04.150
  • and say and to realize, man, I didn't uplift her.
  • 00:18:04.170 --> 00:18:07.030
  • I want every word to uplift her and they committed to that
  • 00:18:07.050 --> 00:18:09.210
  • and when they fall short of that,
  • 00:18:09.230 --> 00:18:10.290
  • they apologize and have grace for each other
  • 00:18:11.010 --> 00:18:13.120
  • but what is some maybe relationship boundaries
  • 00:18:13.140 --> 00:18:15.150
  • you would say, some other ones
  • 00:18:15.170 --> 00:18:16.240
  • that are helpful and things that we do.
  • 00:18:16.260 --> 00:18:18.080
  • - Yeah, so we talk about boundaries.
  • 00:18:18.100 --> 00:18:19.150
  • I mean I think it's being pure in our mind
  • 00:18:19.170 --> 00:18:21.050
  • and setting up big boundaries
  • 00:18:21.070 --> 00:18:23.070
  • like not flirting with another sex.
  • 00:18:23.090 --> 00:18:25.130
  • Not going in the car maybe with another sex
  • 00:18:25.150 --> 00:18:27.150
  • when you're alone with them
  • 00:18:27.170 --> 00:18:28.260
  • but also having good boundaries.
  • 00:18:28.280 --> 00:18:30.150
  • So for instance, Jeff, although he may seem
  • 00:18:30.170 --> 00:18:32.160
  • like a super extrovert to people,
  • 00:18:32.180 --> 00:18:34.140
  • he's actually a real introvert.
  • 00:18:34.160 --> 00:18:37.030
  • - [Jeff] Outgoing introvert.
  • 00:18:37.050 --> 00:18:38.130
  • - Yeah, so let's say we have dinner plans
  • 00:18:38.150 --> 00:18:40.230
  • with somebody that night.
  • 00:18:40.250 --> 00:18:42.020
  • I know that he's gonna need most of the day
  • 00:18:42.040 --> 00:18:43.250
  • to prep for that and so if I get a text and be like,
  • 00:18:43.270 --> 00:18:46.150
  • hey let's hang out for the day.
  • 00:18:46.170 --> 00:18:48.010
  • Let's go do all this and this.
  • 00:18:48.030 --> 00:18:49.170
  • I know that he won't have enough energy for that
  • 00:18:49.190 --> 00:18:52.240
  • and so even though I'd love to do that.
  • 00:18:52.260 --> 00:18:54.110
  • I'd say you know what, today doesn't work,
  • 00:18:54.130 --> 00:18:56.020
  • can we do it on another time?
  • 00:18:56.040 --> 00:18:57.100
  • - And I totally love that and agree with that
  • 00:18:57.120 --> 00:18:58.210
  • cause I am that to a T, right.
  • 00:18:58.230 --> 00:19:01.080
  • I am an introvert and to be able to rspect that
  • 00:19:01.100 --> 00:19:04.240
  • and honor that boundary creates life in our relationship
  • 00:19:04.260 --> 00:19:07.230
  • and so that's just something I wanna challenge you guys
  • 00:19:07.250 --> 00:19:09.070
  • out there if you're watching.
  • 00:19:09.090 --> 00:19:12.000
  • That respect each other's boundaries.
  • 00:19:12.020 --> 00:19:13.240
  • Cause here's the thing, here's the thing
  • 00:19:13.260 --> 00:19:14.290
  • what I'm trying to say.
  • 00:19:15.010 --> 00:19:16.100
  • Is you have to have a collective boundary
  • 00:19:16.120 --> 00:19:18.000
  • and you have to have collective boundaries
  • 00:19:18.020 --> 00:19:19.170
  • but then you also have to have individual boundaries
  • 00:19:19.190 --> 00:19:21.060
  • and it's about serving the other person
  • 00:19:21.080 --> 00:19:23.060
  • and loving the other person.
  • 00:19:23.080 --> 00:19:24.160
  • So again, like the example we just gave
  • 00:19:24.180 --> 00:19:25.280
  • is Alyssa knows I love being with people
  • 00:19:26.000 --> 00:19:28.140
  • but to recharge my tank, I need to be alone
  • 00:19:28.160 --> 00:19:30.270
  • and be reading, like, my ideal vacation
  • 00:19:30.290 --> 00:19:33.130
  • and my ideal day is to be alone by myself
  • 00:19:33.150 --> 00:19:35.190
  • reading a book for 90 million hours.
  • 00:19:35.210 --> 00:19:37.190
  • That's pretty much the best day I could ever think of.
  • 00:19:37.210 --> 00:19:39.210
  • - Pretty much our honeymoon.
  • 00:19:39.230 --> 00:19:40.260
  • - Exactly, exactly but I need that to then have
  • 00:19:40.280 --> 00:19:43.210
  • good relationships after that
  • 00:19:43.230 --> 00:19:45.090
  • and she knows that and I have things that I know about her
  • 00:19:45.110 --> 00:19:47.130
  • that I honor and respect so one really easy way
  • 00:19:47.150 --> 00:19:50.110
  • to do that is ask your spouse.
  • 00:19:50.130 --> 00:19:51.270
  • Hey, what fills you up, what drains you?
  • 00:19:51.290 --> 00:19:54.080
  • How can I respect that, how can I honor that?
  • 00:19:54.100 --> 00:19:56.070
  • And when you understand your
  • 00:19:56.090 --> 00:19:57.140
  • collective boundaries it's really good
  • 00:19:57.160 --> 00:19:58.260
  • but it's also really good to understand
  • 00:19:58.280 --> 00:20:00.170
  • each person's individual boundaries.
  • 00:20:00.190 --> 00:20:03.160
  • We are so excited for our new book, Love That Lasts
  • 00:20:05.110 --> 00:20:07.160
  • because it's a book with our story about our story.
  • 00:20:07.180 --> 00:20:10.080
  • Primarily on why God's heart and vision
  • 00:20:10.100 --> 00:20:13.140
  • for sexuality, marriage, and love
  • 00:20:13.160 --> 00:20:15.140
  • is better than ours.
  • 00:20:15.160 --> 00:20:17.010
  • These are books that we wrote that came from our story.
  • 00:20:17.030 --> 00:20:19.080
  • Two of them are guidebooks
  • 00:20:19.100 --> 00:20:20.260
  • so they have exercises and kind of fill in the blanks.
  • 00:20:20.280 --> 00:20:22.080
  • - [Alyssa] And Him and Her.
  • 00:20:22.100 --> 00:20:23.070
  • - Yeah, things of that nature
  • 00:20:23.090 --> 00:20:24.170
  • and then a main book that's our story.
  • 00:20:24.190 --> 00:20:25.250
  • That's our journey of dating, breaking up,
  • 00:20:25.270 --> 00:20:27.290
  • getting engaged, getting married, having kids.
  • 00:20:28.010 --> 00:20:30.280
  • - And then the work books are just things we've learned
  • 00:20:31.000 --> 00:20:32.120
  • on the 12 main topics in marriage.
  • 00:20:32.140 --> 00:20:34.110
  • Communication, conflict, and the mentors that have poured
  • 00:20:34.130 --> 00:20:37.040
  • into us and given us so much wisdom on those topics.
  • 00:20:37.060 --> 00:20:39.270
  • - [Narrator] If you appreciate prgrams like this,
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  • we hope you'll help TBN keep them coming to you
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  • by sharing a gift of support.
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  • As you do, we'll say thank you
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  • by sending you their eye opening new book, Love That Lasts,
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  • and with a gift of $70 or more,
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  • we'll also include the His and Hers interactive work books.
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  • Call or click now to share a gift
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  • and request yours and started building a love that lasts.
  • 00:20:59.100 --> 00:21:03.130
  • (optimistic music)
  • 00:21:04.290 --> 00:21:07.250
  • - One of my favorite things to talk about each time
  • 00:21:12.100 --> 00:21:13.230
  • is the tip of the week
  • 00:21:13.250 --> 00:21:15.010
  • and guys specifically, I have one for you
  • 00:21:15.030 --> 00:21:17.090
  • that I'm a little passionate about
  • 00:21:17.110 --> 00:21:18.190
  • because I think I saw a lot
  • 00:21:18.210 --> 00:21:20.060
  • of my friends walk through this, struggle through this.
  • 00:21:20.080 --> 00:21:22.040
  • Specifically in the college years,
  • 00:21:22.060 --> 00:21:23.200
  • I think if you get married a little younger.
  • 00:21:23.220 --> 00:21:26.040
  • Fellas out there, so if you got married
  • 00:21:26.060 --> 00:21:27.160
  • in your late 18, 19 that's really early
  • 00:21:27.180 --> 00:21:30.130
  • or most of my friends got married young 20s, mid 20s.
  • 00:21:30.150 --> 00:21:33.170
  • What happens is we have a tendency
  • 00:21:33.190 --> 00:21:35.030
  • to leave and cleave from our mom and dad
  • 00:21:35.050 --> 00:21:37.130
  • but I think in the American world today
  • 00:21:37.150 --> 00:21:39.210
  • with colleges and with friends.
  • 00:21:39.230 --> 00:21:41.090
  • We have a tendency to not
  • 00:21:41.110 --> 00:21:42.200
  • leave our friends or our bros.
  • 00:21:42.220 --> 00:21:44.240
  • We have these bromances as we like to say
  • 00:21:44.260 --> 00:21:46.250
  • where I think we don't fully retreat
  • 00:21:46.270 --> 00:21:49.070
  • and leave from them and then cleave to the new marriage
  • 00:21:49.090 --> 00:21:53.120
  • and so you probably know if that's you.
  • 00:21:54.220 --> 00:21:57.120
  • Cause the wife is usually the person
  • 00:21:57.140 --> 00:21:58.150
  • that'll bring that up cause
  • 00:21:58.170 --> 00:21:59.130
  • they're more sensitive to that.
  • 00:21:59.150 --> 00:22:00.270
  • Hey, you spend a little bit more time
  • 00:22:00.290 --> 00:22:02.140
  • with that friend of yours than you even do with me.
  • 00:22:02.160 --> 00:22:06.020
  • You kinda share more with him than you do with me.
  • 00:22:06.040 --> 00:22:10.030
  • He knows maybe some more secrets than I do.
  • 00:22:10.050 --> 00:22:12.250
  • If those are things your wife says.
  • 00:22:12.270 --> 00:22:14.280
  • You need to listen to those.
  • 00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:16.070
  • I think a lot of times we defend ourselves
  • 00:22:16.090 --> 00:22:17.260
  • rather than saying, hey, this is actually my wife
  • 00:22:17.280 --> 00:22:20.120
  • asking for intimacy, she's asking for closeness.
  • 00:22:20.140 --> 00:22:23.150
  • She's asking for us to grow closer
  • 00:22:23.170 --> 00:22:25.180
  • and closer together.
  • 00:22:25.200 --> 00:22:26.280
  • So instead of defending yourself, just listen
  • 00:22:27.000 --> 00:22:29.180
  • and first of all, that's Jesus, right.
  • 00:22:29.200 --> 00:22:30.250
  • He didn't defend himself, Philippians 2.
  • 00:22:30.270 --> 00:22:32.210
  • He gave himself up for the sake of the relationship with us.
  • 00:22:32.230 --> 00:22:36.270
  • So give yourself up for that
  • 00:22:36.290 --> 00:22:38.220
  • and a lot of times you have to give up things
  • 00:22:38.240 --> 00:22:41.190
  • for the sake of your relationship.
  • 00:22:41.210 --> 00:22:43.040
  • Whether that is your parents,
  • 00:22:43.060 --> 00:22:44.270
  • your friends, your city you use to live in.
  • 00:22:44.290 --> 00:22:48.070
  • I think you need to understand
  • 00:22:48.090 --> 00:22:49.180
  • that when you get married,
  • 00:22:49.200 --> 00:22:51.150
  • this is what it's about and all your energy,
  • 00:22:51.170 --> 00:22:55.020
  • all your focus needs to go here
  • 00:22:55.040 --> 00:22:57.130
  • and I think a lot of times
  • 00:22:57.150 --> 00:22:58.190
  • we just have unhealthy, guy friendships.
  • 00:22:58.210 --> 00:23:01.050
  • Have friends, they're amazing, I have buddies
  • 00:23:01.070 --> 00:23:03.020
  • and of course, there's a level of things
  • 00:23:03.040 --> 00:23:05.010
  • you can talk about with your guy friends
  • 00:23:05.030 --> 00:23:06.280
  • that you may be can't talk about with your wife
  • 00:23:07.000 --> 00:23:08.210
  • but it's a little different
  • 00:23:08.230 --> 00:23:10.090
  • or she won't understand or things of that nature.
  • 00:23:10.110 --> 00:23:12.060
  • Of course, that's not what I'm saying.
  • 00:23:12.080 --> 00:23:14.060
  • Here's the better way to put it.
  • 00:23:14.080 --> 00:23:15.240
  • Who's the center or the source of your relational intimacy.
  • 00:23:15.260 --> 00:23:19.290
  • Is it a friend?
  • 00:23:20.010 --> 00:23:21.080
  • That's probably wrong if you're married
  • 00:23:21.100 --> 00:23:22.220
  • but if that's the place where you get all your joy,
  • 00:23:22.240 --> 00:23:24.030
  • all your satisfaction, all your life,
  • 00:23:24.050 --> 00:23:25.160
  • and that's kind of who you wanna go hang out
  • 00:23:25.180 --> 00:23:27.020
  • with the most and play video games
  • 00:23:27.040 --> 00:23:28.080
  • or go to the bar or the casino
  • 00:23:28.100 --> 00:23:30.020
  • or all these different things.
  • 00:23:30.040 --> 00:23:31.120
  • Cause sometimes we do a lot of things
  • 00:23:31.140 --> 00:23:32.040
  • that are maybe unhealthy
  • 00:23:32.060 --> 00:23:33.150
  • for the marriage with those friends.
  • 00:23:33.170 --> 00:23:35.120
  • You need to check that, you need to pull back on that,
  • 00:23:35.140 --> 00:23:37.060
  • and so that's my tip for you this week
  • 00:23:37.080 --> 00:23:39.040
  • is ask yourself is there any unhealthy relationships
  • 00:23:39.060 --> 00:23:41.280
  • or relationships that are taking a piece
  • 00:23:42.000 --> 00:23:43.240
  • of the pie more than they should.
  • 00:23:43.260 --> 00:23:45.190
  • Your wife is the center, that's who were you called to
  • 00:23:45.210 --> 00:23:48.160
  • and God did not put you in union with your friend.
  • 00:23:48.180 --> 00:23:51.130
  • He put you in union with your wife
  • 00:23:51.150 --> 00:23:53.080
  • and so be mindful of that and do that
  • 00:23:53.100 --> 00:23:55.000
  • but what would you say your tip of the week is this week?
  • 00:23:55.020 --> 00:23:56.140
  • - Well I think just to bounce off that a little bit.
  • 00:23:56.160 --> 00:23:57.220
  • I think that's so good and I think men
  • 00:23:57.240 --> 00:23:59.180
  • maybe go with that a little more
  • 00:23:59.200 --> 00:24:01.030
  • because they bond doing things.
  • 00:24:01.050 --> 00:24:03.100
  • - [Jeff] That's a good way to put it yeah.
  • 00:24:03.120 --> 00:24:04.080
  • - And so I think for the women,
  • 00:24:04.100 --> 00:24:05.220
  • I encourage you to jump into your man's world.
  • 00:24:05.240 --> 00:24:08.120
  • If he likes going to the movies, go see a movie with him.
  • 00:24:08.140 --> 00:24:11.010
  • Those type of things, just to go off of that.
  • 00:24:11.030 --> 00:24:12.040
  • - Enter the guy's world.
  • 00:24:12.060 --> 00:24:13.120
  • - Yeah, so you become best friends.
  • 00:24:13.140 --> 00:24:14.250
  • I think a lot times women we have pressure
  • 00:24:14.270 --> 00:24:17.120
  • to go, go, go and do, do, do and can become really busy.
  • 00:24:17.140 --> 00:24:20.220
  • Especially for moms because we're always doing something.
  • 00:24:20.240 --> 00:24:24.120
  • You have a half hour that's free
  • 00:24:24.140 --> 00:24:26.220
  • and so you're like okay I'm gonna grab all the kids
  • 00:24:26.240 --> 00:24:28.020
  • and we're gonna go and so my encouragement
  • 00:24:28.040 --> 00:24:29.260
  • is to have boundaries not only for your marriage
  • 00:24:29.280 --> 00:24:32.050
  • but also for your family
  • 00:24:32.070 --> 00:24:33.270
  • and what is best for your family.
  • 00:24:33.290 --> 00:24:35.210
  • What can your kids take on, what can they not?
  • 00:24:35.230 --> 00:24:38.160
  • What's healthy?
  • 00:24:38.180 --> 00:24:39.100
  • And I think as the mom,
  • 00:24:39.120 --> 00:24:40.160
  • you have the pulse on your family
  • 00:24:40.180 --> 00:24:42.020
  • and so be sensitive to what God is putting on your heart.
  • 00:24:42.040 --> 00:24:44.260
  • Be sensitive to the Holy Spirit working in you.
  • 00:24:44.280 --> 00:24:47.030
  • We can be really busy and really pour ourselves
  • 00:24:47.050 --> 00:24:49.080
  • into the kids and not really take care
  • 00:24:49.100 --> 00:24:51.130
  • of ourselves or have boundaries
  • 00:24:51.150 --> 00:24:53.020
  • to take care of us so we have a lot
  • 00:24:53.040 --> 00:24:54.250
  • to give to our husbands when they get home that night
  • 00:24:54.270 --> 00:24:57.130
  • and have enough energy so when he comes home,
  • 00:24:57.150 --> 00:24:59.090
  • I'm ready to talk, I'm ready to listen.
  • 00:24:59.110 --> 00:25:01.060
  • Pouring so much into your kids
  • 00:25:01.080 --> 00:25:02.150
  • where you lose track of your husband.
  • 00:25:02.170 --> 00:25:03.210
  • You don't even his heart anymore
  • 00:25:03.230 --> 00:25:05.140
  • and so just as much as you pour Into your kids.
  • 00:25:05.160 --> 00:25:07.150
  • Pour even more so into your husband.
  • 00:25:07.170 --> 00:25:09.250
  • - Yeah and just real quickly before
  • 00:25:09.270 --> 00:25:11.020
  • we close and wrap, I love that point
  • 00:25:11.040 --> 00:25:13.020
  • about just saying no even if you have nothing else to do.
  • 00:25:13.040 --> 00:25:16.000
  • - Yeah, or even if you just don't feel like it.
  • 00:25:16.020 --> 00:25:17.290
  • There's no pressure.
  • 00:25:18.010 --> 00:25:19.160
  • - Yes, and here's one quick practical tip to end on
  • 00:25:19.180 --> 00:25:21.250
  • that I wanna give you guys and we've done this.
  • 00:25:21.270 --> 00:25:23.190
  • Put it on the calendar, it's weird, but if you put
  • 00:25:23.210 --> 00:25:26.170
  • it on the calendar, you all
  • 00:25:26.190 --> 00:25:28.000
  • of a sudden don't feel guilty about saying no
  • 00:25:28.020 --> 00:25:30.070
  • and then all of a sudden when someone asks you,
  • 00:25:30.090 --> 00:25:32.000
  • you say and you can also get away with it,
  • 00:25:32.020 --> 00:25:33.200
  • you can say, oh I got something
  • 00:25:33.220 --> 00:25:34.180
  • on the calendar because you do.
  • 00:25:34.200 --> 00:25:37.030
  • - Stay in that boundaries
  • 00:25:37.050 --> 00:25:38.190
  • to flourish in your marriage and your family.
  • 00:25:38.210 --> 00:25:40.090
  • - [Jeff] Exactly, we love you guys, thanks for tuning in.
  • 00:25:40.110 --> 00:25:42.060
  • - [Alyssa] Thank you.
  • 00:25:42.080 --> 00:25:43.230
  • - Coming up next week we are talking about rhythms
  • 00:25:43.250 --> 00:25:45.150
  • and honestly it's one of the most overlooked
  • 00:25:45.170 --> 00:25:47.180
  • things I think in any relationship.
  • 00:25:47.200 --> 00:25:48.250
  • - I don't think anyone talks about rhythms.
  • 00:25:48.270 --> 00:25:50.090
  • - Exactly and I can say from first hand experience,
  • 00:25:50.110 --> 00:25:52.210
  • us implementing healthy rhythms has been one
  • 00:25:52.230 --> 00:25:55.080
  • of the most life changing things in our relationship
  • 00:25:55.100 --> 00:25:58.090
  • and what we mean by that is,
  • 00:25:58.110 --> 00:25:59.180
  • there's a cadence and there's a rhythm
  • 00:25:59.200 --> 00:26:01.060
  • to the universe, to humanity, to marriage
  • 00:26:01.080 --> 00:26:04.020
  • and when you submit to that,
  • 00:26:04.040 --> 00:26:05.060
  • it goes well for you and blessing
  • 00:26:05.080 --> 00:26:07.000
  • and on the opposite, if you've ever seen someone dance
  • 00:26:07.020 --> 00:26:09.000
  • out of rhythm or like your dad clap out
  • 00:26:09.020 --> 00:26:11.090
  • of rhythm or clap off beat.
  • 00:26:11.110 --> 00:26:12.130
  • - At church, bless his heart.
  • 00:26:12.150 --> 00:26:14.010
  • - It doesn't go well and a lot of times,
  • 00:26:14.030 --> 00:26:16.010
  • that's what our marriages look like
  • 00:26:16.030 --> 00:26:17.280
  • when we don't hop into the rhythm God
  • 00:26:18.000 --> 00:26:19.200
  • has set for us.
  • 00:26:19.220 --> 00:26:21.060
  • - That is so good.
  • 00:26:21.080 --> 00:26:22.220
  • We'll be having special guest, Chip and Joanna Gaines
  • 00:26:22.240 --> 00:26:25.020
  • talk about rhythms within their family
  • 00:26:25.040 --> 00:26:26.260
  • and I think we love Chip and Jo so much
  • 00:26:26.280 --> 00:26:28.270
  • because here they have this crazy successful TV show
  • 00:26:28.290 --> 00:26:32.130
  • and furniture line and real estate
  • 00:26:32.150 --> 00:26:34.050
  • and yet their family is apart of it.
  • 00:26:34.070 --> 00:26:36.000
  • And so we are so excited to have them talk
  • 00:26:36.020 --> 00:26:38.100
  • to us about rhythms within their family
  • 00:26:38.120 --> 00:26:39.240
  • so tune in next week.
  • 00:26:39.260 --> 00:26:41.150
  • - We are so excited for our new book, Love That Lasts,
  • 00:26:43.270 --> 00:26:46.020
  • because it's a book with our story, about our story.
  • 00:26:46.040 --> 00:26:48.280
  • Primarily on why God's heart and vision
  • 00:26:49.000 --> 00:26:52.020
  • for sexuality, marriage, and love is better than ours.
  • 00:26:52.040 --> 00:26:55.170
  • - And yeah, so we go through our child hood,
  • 00:26:55.190 --> 00:26:57.150
  • our dating, our engagement, telling our story
  • 00:26:57.170 --> 00:27:00.090
  • and what God did through us and I think coming from
  • 00:27:00.110 --> 00:27:02.110
  • two totally different backgrounds may be
  • 00:27:02.130 --> 00:27:03.280
  • more of a prodigal side and more of the purity culture
  • 00:27:04.000 --> 00:27:06.150
  • So we're super excited about it.
  • 00:27:06.170 --> 00:27:08.090
  • - [Narrator] Call or click now to share a gift
  • 00:27:08.110 --> 00:27:09.240
  • or request yours and start building a love that lasts.
  • 00:27:09.260 --> 00:27:13.110
  • (optimistic music)
  • 00:27:13.130 --> 00:27:16.100
  • - One of our favorite things
  • 00:27:17.240 --> 00:27:19.010
  • is connecting with you on social media.
  • 00:27:19.030 --> 00:27:20.290
  • We have Facebook, Instagram, Twitter.
  • 00:27:21.010 --> 00:27:22.260
  • We love hearing from you.
  • 00:27:22.280 --> 00:27:24.210
  • - [Jeff] So we can't wait
  • 00:27:24.230 --> 00:27:26.000
  • to do life with you guys, come say hi.
  • 00:27:26.020 --> 00:27:28.030