Praise | Les and Leslie Parrott | April 23, 2020 | TBN

Praise | Les and Leslie Parrott | April 23, 2020

Watch Praise | Les and Leslie Parrott | April 23, 2020
April 23, 2020
55:29

Matt and Laurie Crouch host Les and Leslie Parrott from Los Angeles; CA.

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Praise | Les and Leslie Parrott | April 23, 2020

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  • (siren)
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  • - The Covid-19 pandemichas affected the entire
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  • world, and has radicallychanged our individual lives.
  • 00:00:07.063 --> 00:00:10.533
  • Quarantine, shelter inplace and social distancing
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  • are the new wordsfor the season.
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  • We're now separatedfrom many of our
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  • loved ones and friends,unable to enjoy many
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  • social activities, andforced to spend large amounts
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  • of time with the same peopleday after day after day.
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  • How has this upheavalchanged us, and what are the
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  • dangers to our mental health?
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  • How do we fight anger,boredom and feelings
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  • of helplessness?
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  • And how can we turnthis negative situation
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  • into a positive?
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  • Here on Praise, to answerthese and many other
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  • questions are Drs Lesand Leslie Parrott.
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  • (upbeat music)
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  • - Tonight on Praise,from Los Angeles,
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  • psychology professorsand bestselling authors,
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  • statewide marriage ambassadors,
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  • Les and Leslie Parrott.
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  • And now, Matt and Laurie Crouch.
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  • - We welcome youto Praise today,
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  • for one hour, and we'regoing to need every
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  • bit of that one hour, DrsLes and Leslie Parrott,
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  • all the way from Seattle,Washington join us,
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  • thank you for being with us.
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  • I don't know how wealways arrange this,
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  • but your brand new book,"Healthy me, Healthy us,"
  • 00:01:28.411 --> 00:01:33.416
  • couldn't have been bettertimed, and so we need
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  • couldn't have been bettertimed, and so we need
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  • to get into this, we arein one of the most unique
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  • seasons that certainly the4 of us have ever been in,
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  • our nation has been basicallybrought to its knees
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  • by the invisible enemy,called Covid-19, and it
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  • is affecting peoples'mental health.
  • 00:01:55.238 --> 00:01:58.107
  • Where do you want tostart off, Dr., just do
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  • your thing, we needyou for an hour.
  • 00:02:00.643 --> 00:02:04.247
  • - As personally.
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  • (laughter)
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  • I think I've gottenon his last nerve.
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  • - I have one left.
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  • - I'm not sure.
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  • - We will get to that for sure.
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  • We want to start offwith hope, because
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  • if there's anythingthat's more contagious
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  • than this contagionright now, is fear.
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  • And the only antidoteto fear is hope.
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  • So I think that's wherewe've got to start.
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  • - And I love startingwith hope because
  • 00:02:32.609 --> 00:02:34.544
  • we know it's anchoredin what's real, and
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  • that's god's grace, bythe way we've learned
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  • so much about thiscontagion that you can
  • 00:02:40.216 --> 00:02:42.485
  • actually catch fear,you can catch Covid,
  • 00:02:42.485 --> 00:02:45.355
  • but you can catch hope.
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  • You can give hopeaway as easily as you
  • 00:02:47.156 --> 00:02:50.159
  • can give Covid away, right?
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  • Or even more easily.
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  • It's that powerful,emotional contagion.
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  • - Yeah, god made uswith these things called
  • 00:02:56.766 --> 00:02:59.569
  • mirror neurons, and theway our system is designed
  • 00:02:59.569 --> 00:03:04.173
  • that we pick up on otherpeoples emotions, so if
  • 00:03:04.173 --> 00:03:08.144
  • just one person in ahome is hopeful other
  • 00:03:08.144 --> 00:03:13.149
  • people seem to catchonto that hope, so I
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  • think that's wherewe've got to begin.
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  • Do you guys havehope these days?
  • 00:03:19.656 --> 00:03:21.858
  • - Does the transversealso apply?
  • 00:03:21.858 --> 00:03:25.028
  • If somebody is reallystressing out or really
  • 00:03:25.028 --> 00:03:28.731
  • fearful does that have atendency to spread also?
  • 00:03:28.731 --> 00:03:33.336
  • - Absolutely, it'severy bit as contagious.
  • 00:03:33.336 --> 00:03:35.772
  • Fear and anxiety hasthat same contagion that
  • 00:03:35.772 --> 00:03:39.309
  • actually disease does.
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  • We know this scientifically.
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  • Emotions are thatcontagious, so what a power,
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  • because when you're withsomeone you can actually,
  • 00:03:47.016 --> 00:03:51.087
  • just by flashing asmile, by just entering
  • 00:03:51.087 --> 00:03:54.424
  • a room with peace inyour soul you can draw
  • 00:03:54.424 --> 00:03:57.026
  • them into that place with you.
  • 00:03:57.026 --> 00:03:58.995
  • Such a deeply spiritual gift.
  • 00:03:58.995 --> 00:04:01.097
  • - If you bring anxietyinto the relationship
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  • that other person isgoing to bring on that
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  • anxiety.
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  • Depresson, the same thing.
  • 00:04:06.569 --> 00:04:08.071
  • And let's face it,there's never been
  • 00:04:08.071 --> 00:04:10.540
  • a time where it's beenmore ripe for these
  • 00:04:10.540 --> 00:04:12.175
  • kinds of negativeemotions to run rampant
  • 00:04:12.175 --> 00:04:14.677
  • in our relationships,and so now more than ever
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  • we really need to givesome attention to our
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  • wellbeing, oureffective premise, and I
  • 00:04:20.583 --> 00:04:22.518
  • know we'll get toit later on, but the
  • 00:04:22.518 --> 00:04:25.788
  • premise of this brandnew book, which just
  • 00:04:25.788 --> 00:04:27.990
  • happens to be coming outtoday, you guys didn't
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  • even know that when you called.
  • 00:04:29.926 --> 00:04:31.461
  • Perfect timing, as usual,but we just said our
  • 00:04:33.763 --> 00:04:37.467
  • relationships can onlybe as healthy as we are,
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  • so the perfect timeto begin focusing on
  • 00:04:40.803 --> 00:04:45.208
  • "who am I," in thecontext of our situation
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  • in this home right now,in the midst of such
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  • uncharted territory,what am I bringing
  • 00:04:51.114 --> 00:04:54.283
  • to the whole endeavor ofhelping us traverse this?
  • 00:04:54.283 --> 00:04:58.287
  • - Territory thatseems so unknown.
  • 00:04:58.988 --> 00:05:00.156
  • - Well, and recognizingthe power we have
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  • even when we're shelteringin and socially distanced,
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  • that doesn't meanthat our emotions
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  • don't impact the peopleeven just within the walls
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  • but also that we reachout and have contact with.
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  • It's very powerful,and of course,
  • 00:05:14.036 --> 00:05:16.873
  • none of us are easilyour best selves
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  • whenever we feeldanger or threat,
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  • and we have reactions to that.
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  • So we need to understandwhat are some different ways
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  • to handle that.
  • 00:05:27.116 --> 00:05:28.351
  • - And by the way,Matt and Laurie,
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  • I'll just say there'sgotta be viewers out there
  • 00:05:29.819 --> 00:05:31.654
  • that are right now tuning in,
  • 00:05:31.654 --> 00:05:33.623
  • and they're thinkingwell, I'm by myself.
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  • I'm not in the context ofa relationship right now
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  • because this iswhere I ended up,
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  • and let me tell you something.
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  • There is a way toconnect with people.
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  • Thank goodness forthe technology thatwe have these days.
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  • We, just over our shoulderis our little kitchen table
  • 00:05:49.372 --> 00:05:52.508
  • where we've hadmore than one meal
  • 00:05:52.508 --> 00:05:54.811
  • in the last couple of weeks
  • 00:05:54.811 --> 00:05:56.045
  • with a couple of singlefolks that we know,
  • 00:05:56.045 --> 00:05:58.147
  • and we said, "Hey,join us on Facetime.
  • 00:05:58.147 --> 00:06:00.049
  • "You're gonna havedinner with us tonight."
  • 00:06:00.049 --> 00:06:02.251
  • And so there's waysto connect with people
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  • even when you feel isolated.
  • 00:06:04.287 --> 00:06:05.955
  • - Okay, so walk usthrough, doctors,
  • 00:06:05.955 --> 00:06:10.560
  • walk us through this ideathat there is all sorts
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  • of new, uniquestresses and/or strains
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  • that this season has presented.
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  • It's unlike any seasonwe've ever been in.
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  • I've never even heardof a shelter in placekind of dynamic.
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  • I don't recall historyever telling us.
  • 00:06:36.352 --> 00:06:39.489
  • I'm sure it happenedback in 1918 and whatnot,
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  • but ultimately thereare brand new forces
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  • to bear on relationships.
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  • That's what you guys do.
  • 00:06:51.868 --> 00:06:53.569
  • So what are you hearing thatare kind of the top lists
  • 00:06:53.569 --> 00:06:58.508
  • of things that people need toeither dial up or dial down?
  • 00:06:59.942 --> 00:07:04.413
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:07:04.881 --> 00:07:06.148
  • Well, for sure conflict,communication meltdown,
  • 00:07:06.148 --> 00:07:08.885
  • and I wanna get to those.
  • 00:07:08.885 --> 00:07:10.520
  • But before we leavethe topic of hope,
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  • I wanna talk about,just as a psychologist,
  • 00:07:13.990 --> 00:07:16.425
  • that's what Leslie and I do.
  • 00:07:16.425 --> 00:07:18.127
  • We're both psychologists.
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  • And to think about itfrom theological terms.
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  • In the church, welike to call it hope.
  • 00:07:23.332 --> 00:07:25.434
  • In psychological studiesit's called optimism.
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  • And I wanna talk justbriefly about this
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  • because I think it's sohelpful to so many people
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  • in understanding how Goddesigned us for hope.
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  • Hope does not meaneliminating worry.
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  • And so many people, inthe church especially,
  • 00:07:40.950 --> 00:07:43.185
  • feel guilty because"Oh, I still worry,
  • 00:07:43.185 --> 00:07:45.555
  • "and I wanna be a personof hope and so forth."
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  • It doesn't necessarilyeliminate that.
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  • In fact, let metell ya real quickly
  • 00:07:51.027 --> 00:07:52.428
  • about a really fascinating study
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  • that was done in Pennsylvaniaback in the '70s.
  • 00:07:54.897 --> 00:07:58.434
  • A fella by the nameof Martin Seligman
  • 00:07:58.434 --> 00:08:01.704
  • was doing this study on dogs.
  • 00:08:01.704 --> 00:08:04.407
  • And he had this thingcalled a shuttle box
  • 00:08:04.407 --> 00:08:06.542
  • where he put a dogon one side of a box
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  • and a little partition.
  • 00:08:09.245 --> 00:08:10.846
  • And the study was to see howmany trials would it take
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  • for a dog to learn toavoid a little minor shock,
  • 00:08:14.383 --> 00:08:17.353
  • the kind you'd getlike on a winter day
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  • when you touch a doorknob.
  • 00:08:19.121 --> 00:08:20.423
  • How long would it takefor that dog to learn
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  • he could jump over the littlepartition and avoid the shock
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  • if it was associatedwith a sound, buzzer,
  • 00:08:27.630 --> 00:08:29.966
  • or something likethat, all right?
  • 00:08:29.966 --> 00:08:31.801
  • Have you ever heardof this study before?
  • 00:08:31.801 --> 00:08:32.802
  • - No.- No, I've never, no.
  • 00:08:32.802 --> 00:08:34.737
  • - So this is fascinating.
  • 00:08:34.737 --> 00:08:36.005
  • He was doing this study.
  • 00:08:36.839 --> 00:08:38.140
  • He was just out ofgraduate school,
  • 00:08:38.140 --> 00:08:40.176
  • and it was in the time ofbehaviorism and stuff like that.
  • 00:08:40.176 --> 00:08:43.145
  • So he's doing all these trials.
  • 00:08:43.145 --> 00:08:44.947
  • And so a littlebuzzer would go off,
  • 00:08:44.947 --> 00:08:47.350
  • and a little shock wouldkind of come into the grate
  • 00:08:47.350 --> 00:08:50.286
  • on this littleshuttle box thing,
  • 00:08:50.286 --> 00:08:52.321
  • and the dog wouldthen, to avoid it,
  • 00:08:52.321 --> 00:08:54.190
  • jump over the little side toa carpeted piece of the box.
  • 00:08:54.190 --> 00:08:58.027
  • How many trials do you thinkit would take most dogs
  • 00:08:58.027 --> 00:09:00.496
  • to learn, "Oh,there's that buzzer.
  • 00:09:00.496 --> 00:09:02.064
  • "I think I'm out ofhere," and jump over?
  • 00:09:02.064 --> 00:09:04.066
  • - Don't try this at home.- I don't know.
  • 00:09:04.066 --> 00:09:05.901
  • (laughs)
  • 00:09:05.901 --> 00:09:08.304
  • - On average it would takea dog about three trials
  • 00:09:08.304 --> 00:09:11.107
  • to associate that buzzerwith that experience
  • 00:09:11.107 --> 00:09:15.277
  • and then just jump over.
  • 00:09:15.277 --> 00:09:17.213
  • But he had a handful of dogsthat weren't getting it.
  • 00:09:17.213 --> 00:09:20.249
  • Like six times, 12 times, 18times the buzzer was going off,
  • 00:09:20.249 --> 00:09:25.254
  • and eventually these dogswere just sitting down
  • 00:09:26.656 --> 00:09:27.590
  • and taking the little shock.
  • 00:09:27.590 --> 00:09:29.358
  • And he was like, "What'sgoing on with these dogs?"
  • 00:09:29.358 --> 00:09:31.861
  • And he began to consultwith some of his colleagues
  • 00:09:31.861 --> 00:09:34.163
  • and realized thatthese were dogs
  • 00:09:34.163 --> 00:09:36.966
  • that were used inanother experiment
  • 00:09:36.966 --> 00:09:39.635
  • where the shock was on theother side of the shuttle box.
  • 00:09:39.635 --> 00:09:43.406
  • - Oh my goodness.- Oh no.
  • 00:09:43.406 --> 00:09:45.441
  • - And he discoveredwhat he came to call
  • 00:09:45.441 --> 00:09:48.678
  • these dogs had fallen victim
  • 00:09:48.678 --> 00:09:50.513
  • to what he calledlearned helplessness.
  • 00:09:50.513 --> 00:09:52.915
  • You've heard that phrasebefore, learned helplessness.
  • 00:09:52.915 --> 00:09:55.251
  • This is where it comes from.
  • 00:09:55.251 --> 00:09:56.852
  • And these dogs learned it didn't
  • 00:09:56.852 --> 00:09:58.621
  • - Matter what I did, I couldn'tget out of this situation.
  • 00:09:59.989 --> 00:10:02.124
  • And so they gave upall hope as it were.
  • 00:10:02.124 --> 00:10:05.161
  • Well Dr. Seligman spent hisentire professional career,
  • 00:10:05.161 --> 00:10:08.798
  • eventually became the president
  • 00:10:08.798 --> 00:10:10.199
  • of the AmericanPsychological Association,
  • 00:10:10.199 --> 00:10:12.134
  • because it was so kind ofshifting in such a positive way
  • 00:10:12.134 --> 00:10:15.938
  • in psychology tostudy these things.
  • 00:10:15.938 --> 00:10:18.207
  • But he spent hisentire adult career
  • 00:10:18.207 --> 00:10:21.110
  • studying learned helplessness,not in dogs, but in people.
  • 00:10:21.110 --> 00:10:25.581
  • In people like you and me.
  • 00:10:25.581 --> 00:10:27.349
  • And here's what he discovered.
  • 00:10:27.349 --> 00:10:29.051
  • For all of us in themidst of this COVID crisis
  • 00:10:29.051 --> 00:10:32.621
  • that are sufferingfrom depression,
  • 00:10:32.621 --> 00:10:34.156
  • that are suffering from anxiety,
  • 00:10:34.156 --> 00:10:36.125
  • that might even haveharmful thoughts
  • 00:10:36.125 --> 00:10:38.094
  • or just things that wedon't even wanna fathom,
  • 00:10:38.094 --> 00:10:42.665
  • everybody that'sfalling into that
  • 00:10:42.665 --> 00:10:44.934
  • is leaning intothese three things.
  • 00:10:44.934 --> 00:10:47.303
  • First of all, they're seeingthe experience as pervasive.
  • 00:10:47.303 --> 00:10:51.874
  • In other words, this is gonnaimpact everything forever,
  • 00:10:51.874 --> 00:10:55.544
  • and that's a really, talkabout causing anxiety
  • 00:10:55.544 --> 00:10:59.548
  • or depression, that'snot hope giving.
  • 00:10:59.548 --> 00:11:01.317
  • This is gonna negatively impact
  • 00:11:01.317 --> 00:11:02.852
  • everything forever.- Everything.
  • 00:11:02.852 --> 00:11:03.953
  • - So that's pervasive.- But yeah.
  • 00:11:03.953 --> 00:11:06.021
  • - Personal.- Personal, as in not
  • 00:11:06.021 --> 00:11:08.624
  • that this is something that'shappening to all of us,
  • 00:11:08.624 --> 00:11:11.260
  • and I'm a part of that,
  • 00:11:11.260 --> 00:11:12.428
  • but this is somethinghappening to me
  • 00:11:12.428 --> 00:11:14.897
  • and there's somethingmore difficult for me
  • 00:11:14.897 --> 00:11:18.634
  • or there's something defectiveabout me, it's my fault,
  • 00:11:18.634 --> 00:11:23.272
  • - Right.- That I've lost my job
  • 00:11:23.272 --> 00:11:24.840
  • in the midst of COVID.
  • 00:11:24.840 --> 00:11:25.808
  • Or I don't know how to provide.
  • 00:11:25.808 --> 00:11:28.310
  • Or I'm struggling to stay--
  • 00:11:28.310 --> 00:11:30.646
  • - Or that we didn't havea safety fund in place
  • 00:11:30.646 --> 00:11:33.082
  • or whatever it might be.
  • 00:11:33.082 --> 00:11:34.049
  • And so you personalize it.
  • 00:11:34.049 --> 00:11:36.051
  • That compounds the depression.
  • 00:11:36.051 --> 00:11:37.987
  • That heightens the anxiety.
  • 00:11:37.987 --> 00:11:39.889
  • And then the third one.
  • 00:11:39.889 --> 00:11:41.423
  • So pervasive and personal.
  • 00:11:41.423 --> 00:11:42.892
  • And then the thirdone is permanence.
  • 00:11:42.892 --> 00:11:44.794
  • It's always gonna bethat there's nothingI can do about it.
  • 00:11:44.794 --> 00:11:48.297
  • And so you just give up.
  • 00:11:48.297 --> 00:11:50.733
  • - Right.
  • 00:11:50.733 --> 00:11:52.301
  • - Now when a person grabson to those three things,
  • 00:11:52.301 --> 00:11:54.236
  • clinically we saythey become depressed.
  • 00:11:54.236 --> 00:11:57.506
  • There's no way around it, right?
  • 00:11:57.506 --> 00:11:59.341
  • Because it's pervasive, it'spermanent, and it's personal.
  • 00:11:59.341 --> 00:12:02.745
  • Those are the things thatinvolve learned helplessness.
  • 00:12:02.745 --> 00:12:06.282
  • And so whatever--
  • 00:12:06.282 --> 00:12:07.750
  • - And it happens to peopleas easily as it does,
  • 00:12:07.750 --> 00:12:10.085
  • of course, to thoseprecious little dogs.
  • 00:12:10.085 --> 00:12:12.421
  • Sometimes because we'vehad a life-shaping event
  • 00:12:12.421 --> 00:12:15.090
  • in our story, it hascaused us to lose hope.
  • 00:12:15.090 --> 00:12:19.195
  • And those are the people wewanna speak to right now.
  • 00:12:19.195 --> 00:12:23.032
  • - And by the way, a greatclassic example of this,
  • 00:12:23.032 --> 00:12:26.669
  • we were at Auschwitztwo years ago, I guess.
  • 00:12:26.669 --> 00:12:29.772
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:12:29.772 --> 00:12:31.006
  • - When we could getairplanes and travel.
  • 00:12:31.006 --> 00:12:31.874
  • Remember those days?
  • 00:12:31.874 --> 00:12:32.942
  • (laughs)- I do.
  • 00:12:32.942 --> 00:12:33.976
  • Back in the day.
  • 00:12:33.976 --> 00:12:35.711
  • - Yeah, I know.
  • 00:12:35.711 --> 00:12:37.246
  • And so we had this familytrip, and we were in Germany
  • 00:12:37.246 --> 00:12:40.783
  • and we thought wewanna go experience
  • 00:12:40.783 --> 00:12:42.651
  • what was this like.- A very sobering thing.
  • 00:12:42.651 --> 00:12:45.287
  • - And I knew, just fromstudying this whole concept
  • 00:12:45.287 --> 00:12:48.591
  • of learned helplessness,
  • 00:12:48.591 --> 00:12:50.125
  • that so many people in thosecamps fell victim to that too
  • 00:12:50.125 --> 00:12:52.461
  • because what they discoverednear the end of the war,
  • 00:12:52.461 --> 00:12:55.197
  • that there was actuallyholes in fences and stuff
  • 00:12:55.197 --> 00:12:57.967
  • where people couldliterally have escaped,
  • 00:12:57.967 --> 00:13:00.202
  • but they didn'teven try anymore.
  • 00:13:00.202 --> 00:13:01.904
  • They just gave up, right?
  • 00:13:01.904 --> 00:13:03.806
  • They became hopeless.
  • 00:13:03.806 --> 00:13:05.808
  • And it's so tempting to do that
  • 00:13:05.808 --> 00:13:07.409
  • when we're faced with strife,when we're faced with stress
  • 00:13:07.409 --> 00:13:10.112
  • and anxiety like we areright now in this pandemic.
  • 00:13:10.112 --> 00:13:12.948
  • There's so much thatis beyond our control.
  • 00:13:12.948 --> 00:13:16.285
  • And by the way, psychologically,
  • 00:13:16.285 --> 00:13:18.020
  • that why people going out
  • 00:13:18.020 --> 00:13:19.321
  • and buying incredibleamounts of toilet paper.
  • 00:13:19.321 --> 00:13:23.025
  • It makes no rationalsense, right?
  • 00:13:23.025 --> 00:13:25.027
  • - Yeah.- Wow.
  • 00:13:25.027 --> 00:13:26.495
  • - No rational sense, but it'sa sense of control, right?
  • 00:13:26.495 --> 00:13:28.697
  • "Well at least I'mgonna have this."
  • 00:13:28.697 --> 00:13:29.865
  • I don't even know what.
  • 00:13:29.865 --> 00:13:31.634
  • It could've been peanut butter.
  • 00:13:31.634 --> 00:13:32.868
  • It could've been anynumber of things.
  • 00:13:32.868 --> 00:13:34.103
  • It just happened to be that.
  • 00:13:34.103 --> 00:13:35.371
  • But we're looking forthat sense of control.
  • 00:13:35.371 --> 00:13:38.774
  • And so we grasp at silly things
  • 00:13:38.774 --> 00:13:41.377
  • to make that sense happen.
  • 00:13:41.377 --> 00:13:43.279
  • But I'm telling you, learnedhelplessness is something
  • 00:13:43.279 --> 00:13:46.382
  • that if you tap into the power
  • 00:13:46.382 --> 00:13:48.884
  • of the holy spirit in yourlife, that's when you begin
  • 00:13:48.884 --> 00:13:51.053
  • to transcend learnedhelplessness.
  • 00:13:51.053 --> 00:13:54.089
  • And you learn optimism.
  • 00:13:54.089 --> 00:13:55.691
  • You learn hope.
  • 00:13:55.691 --> 00:13:57.026
  • And that's whatwe're talking about.
  • 00:13:57.026 --> 00:13:58.794
  • When Paul talked about hope,
  • 00:13:59.762 --> 00:14:01.830
  • that's what he was talking about
  • 00:14:01.830 --> 00:14:03.132
  • was that capacity to transcend.
  • 00:14:03.132 --> 00:14:05.100
  • It's not a personal.
  • 00:14:05.100 --> 00:14:06.302
  • It's not pervasive.
  • 00:14:06.302 --> 00:14:07.303
  • It's not permanent.
  • 00:14:07.303 --> 00:14:08.771
  • We have a hope in Christ thathelps us move beyond that.
  • 00:14:08.771 --> 00:14:11.573
  • - Let me ask youa question then.
  • 00:14:11.573 --> 00:14:14.043
  • The three things thatyou just described,
  • 00:14:14.043 --> 00:14:19.048
  • do you suggest somebodystart tackling them
  • 00:14:20.182 --> 00:14:24.053
  • kind of one at a time?
  • 00:14:24.053 --> 00:14:25.821
  • In other words, thepersonalization, let's say,
  • 00:14:25.821 --> 00:14:30.826
  • the second thing thatyou talked about,
  • 00:14:31.961 --> 00:14:34.363
  • of "I didn't have enoughof a nest egg in place"
  • 00:14:34.363 --> 00:14:38.033
  • so you're kinda beatingyourself up in regard.
  • 00:14:38.033 --> 00:14:42.037
  • How do you start unwinding it
  • 00:14:42.037 --> 00:14:45.007
  • if you have thistrifecta in place
  • 00:14:45.007 --> 00:14:48.677
  • and you think it's pervasive,meaning it's systemic,
  • 00:14:48.677 --> 00:14:52.948
  • you've personalized it,
  • 00:14:52.948 --> 00:14:54.383
  • and you think it'sgonna last forever.
  • 00:14:54.383 --> 00:14:57.086
  • How do you startunwinding that, the
  • 00:14:57.086 --> 00:14:59.288
  • - That's a great question.
  • 00:15:00.122 --> 00:15:01.390
  • And the answer in somany ways has to do
  • 00:15:01.390 --> 00:15:04.994
  • with tuning into the singlemost important conversation
  • 00:15:04.994 --> 00:15:08.697
  • that you'll ever have.
  • 00:15:08.697 --> 00:15:10.366
  • You had it yesterday andyou're gonna have it tomorrow
  • 00:15:10.366 --> 00:15:13.402
  • and you're having it right now
  • 00:15:13.402 --> 00:15:15.270
  • and you'll even havethis conversation
  • 00:15:15.270 --> 00:15:16.772
  • while you're asleep.
  • 00:15:16.772 --> 00:15:18.240
  • Because it's yourinternal dialogue,
  • 00:15:18.240 --> 00:15:20.709
  • it's your self-talk.
  • 00:15:20.709 --> 00:15:22.177
  • That conversation has somuch to do with how we feel
  • 00:15:22.177 --> 00:15:26.949
  • and what we sayand how we behave.
  • 00:15:28.117 --> 00:15:29.852
  • And most of us don'teven give it a thought,
  • 00:15:29.852 --> 00:15:32.554
  • because it's a silentconversation, right?
  • 00:15:32.554 --> 00:15:34.857
  • Our self-talk, thatinternal dialogue.
  • 00:15:34.857 --> 00:15:37.026
  • What if before youfell asleep tonight,
  • 00:15:37.026 --> 00:15:39.995
  • you could take a littlecomputer chip out of the back
  • 00:15:39.995 --> 00:15:42.431
  • of your head and plugit into your laptop
  • 00:15:42.431 --> 00:15:45.034
  • and it would tabulateyour internal dialogue
  • 00:15:45.034 --> 00:15:48.570
  • for the last 24 hours?
  • 00:15:48.570 --> 00:15:50.372
  • And you could drop it intoone of two categories.
  • 00:15:50.372 --> 00:15:53.175
  • Either positive self-talkor negative self-talk.
  • 00:15:53.175 --> 00:15:56.278
  • Which one of those bucketswould be most full for you
  • 00:15:56.278 --> 00:15:58.247
  • at the end of any given?
  • 00:15:58.247 --> 00:15:59.748
  • - Yeah, yeah.- And that's kind
  • 00:15:59.748 --> 00:16:00.682
  • of a scary thought, right?
  • 00:16:00.682 --> 00:16:01.950
  • Well, if you're likemost people, 73, 73, 74%
  • 00:16:01.950 --> 00:16:05.988
  • of our self-talk would fallinto that negative bucket.
  • 00:16:07.589 --> 00:16:11.026
  • And we know this fromresearch at UCLA, by the way.
  • 00:16:11.026 --> 00:16:13.562
  • This isn't just armchairpsychology, we know this.
  • 00:16:13.562 --> 00:16:16.698
  • And so, the person has alock on what I like to call
  • 00:16:16.698 --> 00:16:21.703
  • your profound significancethat God loves you
  • 00:16:23.038 --> 00:16:26.175
  • as if you're the only personon the planet to love.
  • 00:16:26.175 --> 00:16:30.079
  • Saint Augustine said that.
  • 00:16:30.079 --> 00:16:32.981
  • When you get a grip on that,when you get a lock on that
  • 00:16:32.981 --> 00:16:35.651
  • and it's not just words,
  • 00:16:35.651 --> 00:16:37.119
  • because if you're like meand you grew up in the church
  • 00:16:37.119 --> 00:16:40.155
  • and you sang Jesusloves me, this I know,
  • 00:16:40.155 --> 00:16:42.324
  • and you memorized Romans eight,
  • 00:16:42.324 --> 00:16:44.960
  • and you sing aboutGod's amazing grace,
  • 00:16:44.960 --> 00:16:47.663
  • you can do all that withyour cerebral capacity,
  • 00:16:47.663 --> 00:16:52.634
  • but to feel it deepdown in your bones,
  • 00:16:53.869 --> 00:16:55.304
  • that God loves me asif I'm the only person
  • 00:16:55.304 --> 00:16:57.639
  • on the planet to love,
  • 00:16:57.639 --> 00:16:59.241
  • that's when your internaldialogue begins to change.
  • 00:16:59.241 --> 00:17:02.344
  • And so, I'm not discountingany kind of treatment
  • 00:17:02.344 --> 00:17:06.081
  • or medication that wemight need to help us
  • 00:17:06.081 --> 00:17:09.351
  • when it comes to thingslike real intense depression
  • 00:17:09.351 --> 00:17:12.154
  • or serious anxiety, butI'm talking about the kind
  • 00:17:12.154 --> 00:17:16.625
  • that we have inthe midst of this
  • 00:17:16.625 --> 00:17:18.760
  • that almost all of uscan fall victim to.
  • 00:17:18.760 --> 00:17:20.329
  • We've gotta tuneinto our self-talk,
  • 00:17:20.329 --> 00:17:22.698
  • what are those tapes thatwe're playing in our head
  • 00:17:22.698 --> 00:17:25.367
  • that are driving us tokeep saying, oh yeah,
  • 00:17:25.367 --> 00:17:28.303
  • this is personal, this ispervasive and this is permanent.
  • 00:17:28.303 --> 00:17:31.607
  • - The gift that happens
  • 00:17:31.607 --> 00:17:32.841
  • with understanding ourself-talk is awareness.
  • 00:17:32.841 --> 00:17:36.612
  • - Yes.- Right?
  • 00:17:36.612 --> 00:17:38.080
  • Because then we becomeaware of what's happening
  • 00:17:38.080 --> 00:17:40.215
  • inside of us, that's creatingthat experience of anxiety.
  • 00:17:40.215 --> 00:17:43.986
  • - Right.- Or fear.
  • 00:17:43.986 --> 00:17:45.220
  • - And awareness, aswe psychologists like
  • 00:17:45.220 --> 00:17:47.089
  • to say is curative,
  • 00:17:47.089 --> 00:17:48.690
  • once you becomeaware of something,
  • 00:17:48.690 --> 00:17:49.658
  • then you can do something.
  • 00:17:49.658 --> 00:17:51.193
  • I can say to my 16-year old,
  • 00:17:51.193 --> 00:17:52.828
  • I can go into his bedroomand go, hey, Jackson,
  • 00:17:52.828 --> 00:17:54.530
  • this bedroom is a messand he'll look around
  • 00:17:54.530 --> 00:17:58.033
  • and go, "It is?
  • 00:17:58.033 --> 00:17:59.168
  • "Oh yeah, I guess it is,
  • 00:17:59.168 --> 00:18:00.402
  • "I'll try to clean itup a little", right?
  • 00:18:00.402 --> 00:18:02.237
  • Just you gotta have tohave a level of awareness
  • 00:18:02.237 --> 00:18:03.539
  • before you beginto change something
  • 00:18:03.539 --> 00:18:05.474
  • and so that's what, if youtune into your self-talk
  • 00:18:05.474 --> 00:18:08.744
  • and really hearwhat are you saying,
  • 00:18:08.744 --> 00:18:11.947
  • because it often has to do
  • 00:18:11.947 --> 00:18:13.382
  • with the tapes you wereprogrammed to say to yourself
  • 00:18:13.382 --> 00:18:16.685
  • from the home you grew up in,
  • 00:18:16.685 --> 00:18:18.120
  • if you can tune intothat, it's the first step
  • 00:18:18.120 --> 00:18:19.454
  • towards finding thatpath toward wellbeing
  • 00:18:19.454 --> 00:18:22.491
  • and wholeness in themidst of this thing.
  • 00:18:22.491 --> 00:18:23.859
  • - Well a lot of us havetapes that have to do
  • 00:18:23.859 --> 00:18:27.196
  • with self-pity and sometimeseven more externalized things
  • 00:18:27.196 --> 00:18:32.201
  • like blame and resentment.
  • 00:18:34.236 --> 00:18:35.404
  • This really, eventhough I feel depressed,
  • 00:18:35.404 --> 00:18:38.140
  • this might besometimes else's fault.
  • 00:18:38.140 --> 00:18:39.942
  • And we fall into a trap thatreally heads that direction.
  • 00:18:39.942 --> 00:18:43.745
  • - And then we start playingthe shame-and-blame game
  • 00:18:43.745 --> 00:18:45.747
  • and we wouldn't havebeen in this problem,
  • 00:18:45.747 --> 00:18:47.416
  • if you wouldn't havemanaged our money
  • 00:18:47.416 --> 00:18:49.218
  • and if you madethat one decision
  • 00:18:49.218 --> 00:18:50.552
  • and I knew at thetime it was terrible
  • 00:18:50.552 --> 00:18:52.120
  • and yet you did it, andwhy'd you buy that car
  • 00:18:52.120 --> 00:18:54.156
  • when we couldn'tafford it and oh--
  • 00:18:54.156 --> 00:18:55.624
  • - Or if you would'vewashed your hands better,
  • 00:18:55.624 --> 00:18:57.459
  • (laughing)to protect us.
  • 00:18:57.459 --> 00:18:59.928
  • - If you would'vewore a Hazmat suit
  • 00:18:59.928 --> 00:19:01.930
  • when you went to getthe mail that day.
  • 00:19:01.930 --> 00:19:03.932
  • So, we get irrational, right,
  • 00:19:03.932 --> 00:19:06.435
  • and that's why ourself-talk is so important,
  • 00:19:06.435 --> 00:19:08.770
  • because we've got to tune in,
  • 00:19:08.770 --> 00:19:10.105
  • and I gotta be honest,
  • 00:19:10.105 --> 00:19:11.440
  • I don't know how youdo this on your own,
  • 00:19:11.440 --> 00:19:14.042
  • you've gotta lean into theHoly Spirit to help you
  • 00:19:14.042 --> 00:19:18.113
  • and your capacity becomes so,
  • 00:19:18.113 --> 00:19:19.681
  • just to become awareof this self-talk,
  • 00:19:19.681 --> 00:19:22.584
  • so then you begin to change that
  • 00:19:22.584 --> 00:19:24.953
  • and get out of this personalpervasive and permanent cycle.
  • 00:19:24.953 --> 00:19:28.523
  • Make sense?- Yeah, so,
  • 00:19:28.523 --> 00:19:30.058
  • it feels like what you'retalking about is the Scripture
  • 00:19:30.058 --> 00:19:34.863
  • as a man thinks inhis heart, so is he.
  • 00:19:34.863 --> 00:19:39.268
  • Said from Missouri speak,
  • 00:19:39.268 --> 00:19:43.872
  • whether you thinkit's the best of times
  • 00:19:43.872 --> 00:19:45.841
  • or whether you think it's theworst of times, you're right.
  • 00:19:45.841 --> 00:19:49.811
  • And so, ultimately,
  • 00:19:49.811 --> 00:19:52.948
  • you have to make a choice.
  • 00:19:52.948 --> 00:19:56.451
  • There's a lot of teaching.
  • 00:19:56.451 --> 00:19:58.620
  • - ...in a lot ofunderstanding in the church,
  • 00:19:59.855 --> 00:20:03.492
  • if you're paying attention,
  • 00:20:03.492 --> 00:20:05.160
  • that you have to geta handle on this.
  • 00:20:05.160 --> 00:20:08.063
  • And it feels likethe old saying,
  • 00:20:08.063 --> 00:20:11.733
  • you don't become what you wannabe, you become what you are.
  • 00:20:11.733 --> 00:20:15.604
  • So you're eithergoing to be somebody
  • 00:20:15.604 --> 00:20:17.906
  • with positivethoughts in general,
  • 00:20:17.906 --> 00:20:22.110
  • God's got me, he'salways loved me,
  • 00:20:22.110 --> 00:20:24.913
  • he's gonna continue to love me,
  • 00:20:24.913 --> 00:20:26.415
  • something good is gonna happen.
  • 00:20:26.415 --> 00:20:28.216
  • Oral Robert saidthat back in the 70s,
  • 00:20:28.216 --> 00:20:31.153
  • something good is goingto happen to me today.
  • 00:20:31.153 --> 00:20:34.122
  • And so ultimately, look,pandemics are not good,
  • 00:20:34.122 --> 00:20:38.760
  • but God can get you intothe right state of mind,
  • 00:20:38.760 --> 00:20:43.332
  • but you've got to focus on him.
  • 00:20:43.332 --> 00:20:44.733
  • You got to magnify the Lord.
  • 00:20:44.733 --> 00:20:47.269
  • Are we saying thesame thing here?
  • 00:20:47.269 --> 00:20:49.271
  • - Absolutely.- Yes.
  • 00:20:49.271 --> 00:20:50.572
  • - I love it that youmentioned that too,
  • 00:20:50.572 --> 00:20:51.606
  • because for some reason,
  • 00:20:51.606 --> 00:20:54.309
  • I have been listening to songs
  • 00:20:54.309 --> 00:20:56.645
  • that were part of mychildhood and the Gaithers,
  • 00:20:56.645 --> 00:21:00.982
  • Bill Gaither, SomethingGood Is About To Happen,
  • 00:21:00.982 --> 00:21:03.652
  • I was just playingthat the other day
  • 00:21:03.652 --> 00:21:04.920
  • and I haven't heardthat song for years.
  • 00:21:04.920 --> 00:21:07.189
  • And talk about a good messageto have going in your mind
  • 00:21:07.189 --> 00:21:10.959
  • in the midst of this.
  • 00:21:10.959 --> 00:21:12.194
  • Something good isabout to happen.
  • 00:21:12.194 --> 00:21:13.862
  • We are gonna see beyond this,
  • 00:21:13.862 --> 00:21:15.897
  • we are gonna comeout of this thing.
  • 00:21:15.897 --> 00:21:17.766
  • We're gonna see light atthe end of the tunnel.
  • 00:21:17.766 --> 00:21:19.634
  • And even though we feel like,
  • 00:21:19.634 --> 00:21:21.737
  • we wanna throw up ourhands in despair right now,
  • 00:21:21.737 --> 00:21:23.905
  • oh my goodness, how longis this gonna go on?
  • 00:21:23.905 --> 00:21:25.907
  • And you've seen aroundthe country, right?
  • 00:21:25.907 --> 00:21:27.576
  • People are getting irateand they're protesting
  • 00:21:27.576 --> 00:21:29.678
  • and they wanna get back to work
  • 00:21:29.678 --> 00:21:31.446
  • and sometimes makingirrational decisions
  • 00:21:31.446 --> 00:21:34.049
  • because I'm just tiredof this whole thing.
  • 00:21:34.049 --> 00:21:36.585
  • If you begin toreplace those negative
  • 00:21:36.585 --> 00:21:39.955
  • kind of self statements,
  • 00:21:39.955 --> 00:21:41.957
  • and by the way, that's thefirst chapter in this new book,
  • 00:21:41.957 --> 00:21:45.761
  • Healthy Me Healthy Us.
  • 00:21:45.761 --> 00:21:47.496
  • It's all about finding thatsense of profound significance,
  • 00:21:47.496 --> 00:21:51.266
  • that God loves you
  • 00:21:51.266 --> 00:21:52.734
  • as if you're the only personon the planet to love.
  • 00:21:52.734 --> 00:21:55.370
  • And you tune into thatimportant conversation
  • 00:21:55.370 --> 00:22:00.275
  • that you're havingagain and again.
  • 00:22:01.443 --> 00:22:02.744
  • When you begin to do that,
  • 00:22:02.744 --> 00:22:03.945
  • and you replace thatwith positive thoughts,
  • 00:22:03.945 --> 00:22:06.081
  • even something as simpleas this little mantra,
  • 00:22:06.081 --> 00:22:08.283
  • something good is about tohappen, that's a prayer, right?
  • 00:22:08.283 --> 00:22:10.886
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:22:10.886 --> 00:22:11.820
  • - That's a prayer right now.
  • 00:22:11.820 --> 00:22:13.121
  • And I'll tell you another thing,
  • 00:22:13.121 --> 00:22:15.090
  • we were talking aboutthis just yesterday.
  • 00:22:15.090 --> 00:22:17.459
  • I've really tried tofocus myself on gratitude
  • 00:22:17.459 --> 00:22:21.329
  • in the midst of this.
  • 00:22:21.329 --> 00:22:22.798
  • And so because Idon't have to get up
  • 00:22:22.798 --> 00:22:24.499
  • and rush to somemeeting someplace,
  • 00:22:24.499 --> 00:22:26.835
  • I have that little luxurylike most of us do right now
  • 00:22:26.835 --> 00:22:29.638
  • to wake up in bed andjust take a little moment.
  • 00:22:29.638 --> 00:22:32.808
  • And I've been takingthat extra five minutes
  • 00:22:32.808 --> 00:22:35.343
  • just to start my day withthoughts of gratitude.
  • 00:22:35.343 --> 00:22:38.580
  • And if you wanna begin toreplace some negative tapes,
  • 00:22:38.580 --> 00:22:43.418
  • with positive messages,begin to do that.
  • 00:22:43.418 --> 00:22:46.054
  • I'm telling you,it's transformative.
  • 00:22:46.054 --> 00:22:47.556
  • - It's transformative,because there's something
  • 00:22:47.556 --> 00:22:49.758
  • about how ourbrains are hardwired
  • 00:22:49.758 --> 00:22:51.726
  • and I think maybe God did thisintentionally, I don't know.
  • 00:22:51.726 --> 00:22:54.796
  • But when it comes to holding on
  • 00:22:54.796 --> 00:22:57.098
  • to what's negativeand stressful,
  • 00:22:57.098 --> 00:22:58.900
  • we do that easily.
  • 00:22:58.900 --> 00:23:00.435
  • We are like Velcro for thethings that are stressful.
  • 00:23:00.435 --> 00:23:03.605
  • - So true.
  • 00:23:03.605 --> 00:23:05.106
  • - But when it comes to holdingon to and savoring the good,
  • 00:23:05.106 --> 00:23:08.043
  • those just slide right on out.
  • 00:23:08.043 --> 00:23:10.946
  • It's kind of like Teflon, itjust goes, they don't stick.
  • 00:23:10.946 --> 00:23:14.816
  • But what makes them stickis when we take the time,
  • 00:23:14.816 --> 00:23:18.019
  • like you're doingwith that discipline,
  • 00:23:18.019 --> 00:23:20.288
  • to remember with deep gratitude,
  • 00:23:20.288 --> 00:23:22.190
  • and not just tomake a list of them,
  • 00:23:22.190 --> 00:23:24.960
  • but to sort of savor them.
  • 00:23:24.960 --> 00:23:26.661
  • And I had one person tell me,
  • 00:23:26.661 --> 00:23:29.297
  • it's kind of like you'rebuilding a little fire
  • 00:23:29.297 --> 00:23:31.233
  • with your memory of thatthing you're grateful for
  • 00:23:31.233 --> 00:23:33.702
  • and you warm yourselfemotionally by that fire.
  • 00:23:33.702 --> 00:23:37.105
  • Once you've done that, itbecomes a permanent part
  • 00:23:37.105 --> 00:23:40.475
  • of what you feel about your life
  • 00:23:40.475 --> 00:23:42.744
  • and then it's always with you.
  • 00:23:42.744 --> 00:23:45.213
  • Once you've been warmed by it,
  • 00:23:45.213 --> 00:23:46.681
  • it's like the scent ofthat smoke fills your day.
  • 00:23:46.681 --> 00:23:49.217
  • It's an aroma of grace andthat does change everything
  • 00:23:49.217 --> 00:23:53.622
  • about how your spirit feels.
  • 00:23:53.622 --> 00:23:55.056
  • - Right.
  • 00:23:55.056 --> 00:23:56.525
  • Well, I'm still ameliorating,the conflicts and stuff.
  • 00:23:56.525 --> 00:24:00.161
  • I know we're gonna talkabout here in a moment.
  • 00:24:00.161 --> 00:24:01.863
  • But that's such a great,
  • 00:24:01.863 --> 00:24:03.331
  • because you get yourselfin a good headspace, right?
  • 00:24:03.331 --> 00:24:05.767
  • You get yourselfin a place where,
  • 00:24:05.767 --> 00:24:07.569
  • I wanna be the best person Ican be in the midst of this.
  • 00:24:09.037 --> 00:24:11.406
  • It's so tempting to allowone day after the next
  • 00:24:11.406 --> 00:24:15.210
  • in the midst of this pandemic,
  • 00:24:15.210 --> 00:24:16.978
  • to just kind of pile up as wewait for the world to change.
  • 00:24:16.978 --> 00:24:19.948
  • - Yeah.- Right?
  • 00:24:19.948 --> 00:24:21.116
  • And I guess I'lljust be in my pajamas
  • 00:24:21.116 --> 00:24:22.584
  • until we're back tonormal, you know.
  • 00:24:22.584 --> 00:24:24.486
  • I love it that, I thinkit was Jimmy Fallon
  • 00:24:25.620 --> 00:24:27.989
  • or somebody that said that,socks are the new shoes.
  • 00:24:27.989 --> 00:24:31.192
  • (laughs)
  • 00:24:31.192 --> 00:24:32.827
  • We don't wear shoes anymore.
  • 00:24:32.827 --> 00:24:34.329
  • And so why not use this timeto become a better person,
  • 00:24:34.329 --> 00:24:39.334
  • instead of just waiting it out.
  • 00:24:40.201 --> 00:24:41.836
  • - What I love about thatis just understanding.
  • 00:24:41.836 --> 00:24:44.406
  • I think all of us havehad major disappointments
  • 00:24:44.406 --> 00:24:46.975
  • in this time.
  • 00:24:46.975 --> 00:24:48.176
  • Commencements havebeen canceled,
  • 00:24:48.176 --> 00:24:49.844
  • weddings have been postponed.
  • 00:24:49.844 --> 00:24:51.913
  • Things that were a littlebit at a loss about
  • 00:24:51.913 --> 00:24:54.349
  • people we love, we can'tbe with their milestones.
  • 00:24:54.349 --> 00:24:57.218
  • But disappointments are...
  • 00:24:57.218 --> 00:24:58.720
  • - Any moments, andso instead of letting
  • 00:24:59.854 --> 00:25:01.089
  • those days stack on days.
  • 00:25:01.089 --> 00:25:02.724
  • - Right.- We began to realize,
  • 00:25:02.724 --> 00:25:03.892
  • "Wow, there's somedefining happening here,
  • 00:25:03.892 --> 00:25:07.062
  • "and this, this can changethe arc of my life story,
  • 00:25:07.062 --> 00:25:10.565
  • "who I am in the faceof this pandemic."
  • 00:25:10.565 --> 00:25:13.702
  • - And we can be proactive.
  • 00:25:13.702 --> 00:25:14.970
  • Just before we got onthis interview with you,
  • 00:25:14.970 --> 00:25:17.238
  • I did an webinar with morethan a thousand pastors,
  • 00:25:17.238 --> 00:25:20.842
  • focused on pre-marriagecounseling.
  • 00:25:20.842 --> 00:25:23.945
  • Have you thoughtabout all the weddings
  • 00:25:23.945 --> 00:25:25.880
  • right now.- Right.
  • 00:25:25.880 --> 00:25:27.349
  • - That are just, you know,just up in the air, you know,
  • 00:25:27.349 --> 00:25:29.351
  • and we had some goodfriends that were gonna have
  • 00:25:29.351 --> 00:25:31.453
  • a wedding in Italy,here in about
  • 00:25:31.453 --> 00:25:33.388
  • another month and a half or so,
  • 00:25:33.388 --> 00:25:35.123
  • and of course that'snot happening,
  • 00:25:35.123 --> 00:25:37.225
  • and what about all theexpense that went into that,
  • 00:25:37.225 --> 00:25:39.427
  • and so forth, and so pastorsare trying to figure out,
  • 00:25:39.427 --> 00:25:42.364
  • and they use our, we havethis little assessment
  • 00:25:42.364 --> 00:25:44.666
  • called the SYMBIS assessment,
  • 00:25:44.666 --> 00:25:46.234
  • a pre-marriage, saving yourmarriage before it starts,
  • 00:25:46.234 --> 00:25:48.803
  • and so these pastors are like,
  • 00:25:48.803 --> 00:25:50.138
  • "I wanna be proactive,I don't wanna just wait
  • 00:25:50.138 --> 00:25:52.340
  • "until this changesto do something,
  • 00:25:52.340 --> 00:25:54.342
  • "I wanna get on, Iwanna learn how to use
  • 00:25:54.342 --> 00:25:56.444
  • "the technology I needto to get in front
  • 00:25:56.444 --> 00:25:58.113
  • "of these couples andadminister to them."
  • 00:25:58.113 --> 00:25:59.881
  • That's proactivethinking, that comes
  • 00:25:59.881 --> 00:26:01.916
  • from positive self-talk.
  • 00:26:01.916 --> 00:26:03.885
  • - [Interviewer]That's beautiful.
  • 00:26:03.885 --> 00:26:05.120
  • - Beautiful, so--- And you know what?
  • 00:26:05.120 --> 00:26:06.054
  • It's such a personal thing too,
  • 00:26:06.054 --> 00:26:07.522
  • I think God's given us timeto be so introspective,
  • 00:26:07.522 --> 00:26:10.959
  • that I can't blame, reallywhat I'm going through,
  • 00:26:10.959 --> 00:26:14.229
  • on nobody else, I'vegotta take this moment,
  • 00:26:14.229 --> 00:26:17.132
  • in time, to change, to let thefire burn off the bondages,
  • 00:26:17.132 --> 00:26:22.137
  • let whatever is gonnahappen, make me better,
  • 00:26:23.304 --> 00:26:26.808
  • instead of, you know--
  • 00:26:26.808 --> 00:26:28.376
  • - It's a choice, it's a--- Yeah, it is a choice.
  • 00:26:28.376 --> 00:26:31.046
  • - You know, whether youthink it's the best,
  • 00:26:31.046 --> 00:26:32.781
  • or the worst, you'reright, you know,
  • 00:26:32.781 --> 00:26:34.349
  • and it's literally achoice we have to make.
  • 00:26:34.349 --> 00:26:38.853
  • If you just tunedin, the lovely people
  • 00:26:38.853 --> 00:26:41.890
  • sitting to our right,here on the screen,
  • 00:26:41.890 --> 00:26:46.861
  • they are psychologists,and they are going to be--
  • 00:26:48.329 --> 00:26:50.331
  • - Sweet, sweet, sweet.- Kinda taking this approach
  • 00:26:50.331 --> 00:26:53.334
  • towards this, and telling ushow our brains are working,
  • 00:26:53.334 --> 00:26:56.971
  • or aren't working correctly.
  • 00:26:56.971 --> 00:26:59.407
  • - We're gonna work on you.- But if we're introducing
  • 00:26:59.407 --> 00:27:00.742
  • them to you at this point,
  • 00:27:00.742 --> 00:27:03.745
  • we did a little bio piece,
  • 00:27:03.745 --> 00:27:05.413
  • on Doctor Les and LeslieParrott, watch this.
  • 00:27:05.413 --> 00:27:08.983
  • - [Narrator] Lesand Leslie Parrott,
  • 00:27:08.983 --> 00:27:11.319
  • a dynamic duo, whoshare a passion
  • 00:27:11.319 --> 00:27:13.955
  • for building healthyrelationships.
  • 00:27:13.955 --> 00:27:16.658
  • Les is a professorof psychology,
  • 00:27:16.658 --> 00:27:18.860
  • at Northwest University,and both are founders
  • 00:27:18.860 --> 00:27:21.362
  • of the Center forHealthy Relationships
  • 00:27:21.362 --> 00:27:23.465
  • at Olivet University,in Kankakee, Illinois.
  • 00:27:23.465 --> 00:27:26.868
  • - When you're takingownership of it,
  • 00:27:26.868 --> 00:27:28.470
  • instead of placing blame,that's when you start
  • 00:27:28.470 --> 00:27:30.972
  • working toward resolve.
  • 00:27:30.972 --> 00:27:33.208
  • - [Narrator] Leslie, amarriage and family therapist,
  • 00:27:33.208 --> 00:27:36.010
  • and Les, a clinicalpsychologist,
  • 00:27:36.010 --> 00:27:38.713
  • are known for bringingreal-life examples
  • 00:27:38.713 --> 00:27:41.282
  • to their presentations,and delivering
  • 00:27:41.282 --> 00:27:43.451
  • cutting-edge,insightful messages.
  • 00:27:43.451 --> 00:27:46.287
  • Every year, the Parrottsspeak in more than 40 cities,
  • 00:27:46.287 --> 00:27:49.758
  • addressing anarray of audiences,
  • 00:27:49.758 --> 00:27:51.726
  • from churches toFortune 500 companies.
  • 00:27:51.726 --> 00:27:55.430
  • The Governor ofOklahoma appointed them
  • 00:27:55.430 --> 00:27:57.699
  • as the first ever statewidemarriage ambassadors.
  • 00:27:57.699 --> 00:28:00.969
  • - (mumbles) where Ican say to Leslie,
  • 00:28:00.969 --> 00:28:02.604
  • "Wow, it seems likeyou're really feelingupset about that."
  • 00:28:02.604 --> 00:28:06.141
  • - I don't know if I'mupset, I think I'm really
  • 00:28:06.141 --> 00:28:08.309
  • angry about it.- Yeah, that's what
  • 00:28:08.309 --> 00:28:09.544
  • I was gonna say, angryabout that, yeah, right.
  • 00:28:09.544 --> 00:28:11.746
  • (crowd laughing)
  • 00:28:11.746 --> 00:28:14.649
  • - [Narrator] Authoritieshave also called upon
  • 00:28:14.649 --> 00:28:16.251
  • Les and Leslie to providesupport in the aftermath
  • 00:28:16.251 --> 00:28:19.521
  • of worldwide disasters,including GroundZero and Chernobyl.
  • 00:28:19.521 --> 00:28:23.591
  • As number one "New YorkTimes" bestselling authors,
  • 00:28:24.993 --> 00:28:28.062
  • their books have soldover two million copies,
  • 00:28:28.062 --> 00:28:31.132
  • in more than twodozen languages.
  • 00:28:31.132 --> 00:28:33.434
  • The Parrotts havealso been featured
  • 00:28:33.434 --> 00:28:35.170
  • in several media outlets.
  • 00:28:35.170 --> 00:28:36.871
  • Part of their vision is to equip
  • 00:28:36.871 --> 00:28:38.773
  • more than a millionmarriage mentors,
  • 00:28:38.773 --> 00:28:40.975
  • to help others buildstronger, lifelong marriages.
  • 00:28:40.975 --> 00:28:44.779
  • Here on "Praise," Lesand Leslie Parrott.
  • 00:28:44.779 --> 00:28:48.383
  • - Hello.- Beautiful.
  • 00:28:49.517 --> 00:28:50.952
  • So, today, April 23rd,Thursday evening,
  • 00:28:50.952 --> 00:28:55.957
  • if you're viewing thisfor the first time,
  • 00:28:57.158 --> 00:28:58.827
  • Doctor Les and Leslie,thank you for being with us,
  • 00:28:58.827 --> 00:29:01.396
  • and we wanna get totally into"Healthy Me, Healthy Us,"
  • 00:29:01.396 --> 00:29:06.401
  • uniquely, the bookjust released,
  • 00:29:07.535 --> 00:29:09.737
  • three years, you know.- April 97.
  • 00:29:21.950 --> 00:29:23.418
  • in the Southern Californiaarea where we are,
  • 00:29:29.757 --> 00:29:31.893
  • Laurie and I were out,we went to, Pollo Loco,
  • 00:29:31.893 --> 00:29:36.130
  • or something yesterday,and it felt like
  • 00:29:36.130 --> 00:29:38.433
  • we were seeing more cars, out.
  • 00:29:38.433 --> 00:29:41.536
  • it feels like, in certain areas,
  • 00:29:41.536 --> 00:29:44.339
  • there's a little more activity,
  • 00:29:44.339 --> 00:29:45.673
  • it feels like, youknow, based upon today's
  • 00:29:45.673 --> 00:29:49.277
  • White House briefing,and all that,
  • 00:29:49.277 --> 00:29:51.946
  • that we are starting theprocess of attempting
  • 00:29:51.946 --> 00:29:56.484
  • to get back to normal, normal--
  • 00:29:56.484 --> 00:29:59.320
  • - Is gonna be a new normal.
  • 00:30:00.188 --> 00:30:01.456
  • I imagine there'sgonna be all sorts
  • 00:30:01.456 --> 00:30:03.157
  • of unique newphrases, and masks,
  • 00:30:03.157 --> 00:30:06.427
  • and all sorts of stuff
  • 00:30:06.427 --> 00:30:07.662
  • that people are goingto continue to use,
  • 00:30:07.662 --> 00:30:10.598
  • even after Americagoes back to work.
  • 00:30:10.598 --> 00:30:14.302
  • But basically, howis this in one sense
  • 00:30:14.302 --> 00:30:18.940
  • this is a unique situation,
  • 00:30:19.841 --> 00:30:22.043
  • where I didn't know,
  • 00:30:22.043 --> 00:30:24.646
  • as I sat down to startthis conversation
  • 00:30:24.646 --> 00:30:27.448
  • that the book, it was brand-new,
  • 00:30:27.448 --> 00:30:29.284
  • that it was just being released.
  • 00:30:29.284 --> 00:30:31.252
  • So take a jump off and give us
  • 00:30:32.253 --> 00:30:34.789
  • a little bit ofwhat the book is,
  • 00:30:34.789 --> 00:30:36.925
  • and how it appliesdirectly to what,
  • 00:30:36.925 --> 00:30:40.261
  • not only America, but the world,
  • 00:30:40.261 --> 00:30:42.363
  • is going through right now,
  • 00:30:42.363 --> 00:30:43.631
  • facing the pandemic of COVID-19.
  • 00:30:43.631 --> 00:30:45.967
  • - Yeah, thank you verymuch for asking about it.
  • 00:30:47.402 --> 00:30:49.404
  • And it's still just,it's always incredible
  • 00:30:49.404 --> 00:30:51.172
  • when timing works out like this,
  • 00:30:51.172 --> 00:30:52.573
  • 'cause you guys have no idea.
  • 00:30:52.573 --> 00:30:54.275
  • We just want to talkabout the pandemic.
  • 00:30:54.275 --> 00:30:56.177
  • But this book is not justa book that we thought,
  • 00:30:56.177 --> 00:30:59.914
  • "Hey, what shouldour next book be?
  • 00:30:59.914 --> 00:31:02.483
  • "Let's think ofsomething to write."
  • 00:31:02.483 --> 00:31:04.118
  • This is a book thathas been germinating
  • 00:31:04.118 --> 00:31:06.287
  • for literally the last 20 years.
  • 00:31:06.287 --> 00:31:08.723
  • - Yeah, in fact, thisis more the bedrock
  • 00:31:08.723 --> 00:31:11.592
  • kind of the core ofwhat we've come to know
  • 00:31:11.592 --> 00:31:14.562
  • is what all goodrelationships are based on.
  • 00:31:14.562 --> 00:31:17.498
  • - Yeah, that your relationships
  • 00:31:17.498 --> 00:31:19.133
  • can only be as healthy as you.
  • 00:31:19.133 --> 00:31:21.936
  • In fact, let me tellyou another quick story.
  • 00:31:21.936 --> 00:31:24.238
  • Leslie and I had just graduated.
  • 00:31:24.238 --> 00:31:27.241
  • We were in SouthernCalifornia, in Los Angeles,
  • 00:31:27.241 --> 00:31:29.377
  • and came out of grad school.
  • 00:31:29.377 --> 00:31:30.611
  • Oh and by the way, I just saw
  • 00:31:30.611 --> 00:31:32.280
  • there in your neck of thewoods in Orange County,
  • 00:31:32.280 --> 00:31:34.482
  • that they had,speaking of marriage,
  • 00:31:34.482 --> 00:31:37.752
  • just I think inthe last two days,
  • 00:31:37.752 --> 00:31:39.654
  • they had set up a drive-through,
  • 00:31:39.654 --> 00:31:41.489
  • like a parking lot, whereyou could get married
  • 00:31:41.489 --> 00:31:43.925
  • by the justice of the peace,
  • 00:31:43.925 --> 00:31:45.193
  • and they had 600 weddings,
  • 00:31:45.193 --> 00:31:47.228
  • or 600 weddings, I guess.
  • 00:31:47.228 --> 00:31:50.031
  • - One way to do it.- In the first day.
  • 00:31:50.031 --> 00:31:51.466
  • - Oh my God.- You got it,
  • 00:31:51.466 --> 00:31:53.001
  • ain't that crazy?
  • 00:31:53.001 --> 00:31:53.835
  • But so love wins out on,
  • 00:31:53.835 --> 00:31:56.104
  • you can't stoplove but this idea
  • 00:31:56.104 --> 00:31:58.873
  • of where this book came from,
  • 00:31:58.873 --> 00:32:00.775
  • we came from graduate school,
  • 00:32:00.775 --> 00:32:02.310
  • we started teaching at thisChristian university in Seattle,
  • 00:32:02.310 --> 00:32:05.480
  • and I think it wasthe 1st February
  • 00:32:06.647 --> 00:32:09.650
  • that we were there,some students said,
  • 00:32:09.650 --> 00:32:11.152
  • "Hey, would you come overto our residence hall
  • 00:32:11.152 --> 00:32:13.855
  • "before Valentine'sand give a little talk
  • 00:32:13.855 --> 00:32:16.257
  • "to the students at our hall
  • 00:32:16.257 --> 00:32:18.393
  • "about how to fall in lovewithout losing your mind?"
  • 00:32:18.393 --> 00:32:21.229
  • That was the title they gave.
  • 00:32:21.229 --> 00:32:22.497
  • You remember that?
  • 00:32:22.497 --> 00:32:23.331
  • - I remember that.
  • 00:32:23.331 --> 00:32:24.165
  • And it was fairly neat.
  • 00:32:24.165 --> 00:32:25.733
  • And we thought, sure, I mean,
  • 00:32:25.733 --> 00:32:27.568
  • these couples are, thesestudents are hungry
  • 00:32:27.568 --> 00:32:30.438
  • for good information
  • 00:32:30.438 --> 00:32:31.506
  • about relationships.- Right.
  • 00:32:31.506 --> 00:32:32.740
  • But when we showedup over, they said,
  • 00:32:32.740 --> 00:32:34.208
  • "You'll have about, maybeif everybody shows up,
  • 00:32:34.208 --> 00:32:35.643
  • "maybe 24 people will show up
  • 00:32:35.643 --> 00:32:37.211
  • "for one of thesethings on the floor."
  • 00:32:37.211 --> 00:32:38.980
  • And so anyway, it's 10 o'clockat night on a Wednesday.
  • 00:32:38.980 --> 00:32:41.115
  • We go over there,there's this huge line
  • 00:32:41.115 --> 00:32:43.217
  • coming out of theresidence hall,
  • 00:32:43.217 --> 00:32:45.053
  • and we think, "Wow,what's happening here?
  • 00:32:45.053 --> 00:32:46.788
  • "Something big mustbe taking place."
  • 00:32:46.788 --> 00:32:48.523
  • Turns out they all cameover to hear this song,
  • 00:32:48.523 --> 00:32:51.025
  • this song, yeah, itwasn't a song, it does now
  • 00:32:51.025 --> 00:32:53.895
  • but it's like to hear this topic
  • 00:32:53.895 --> 00:32:56.330
  • of how to fall in lovewithout losing your mind.
  • 00:32:56.330 --> 00:32:59.000
  • They came from otherresidence halls
  • 00:32:59.000 --> 00:33:00.535
  • around the campus justbecause of the topic.
  • 00:33:00.535 --> 00:33:02.770
  • Not because of us,we were brand new.
  • 00:33:02.770 --> 00:33:04.338
  • They had no idea who we were.
  • 00:33:04.338 --> 00:33:06.207
  • And we said that is so,it was just so pivotal.
  • 00:33:06.207 --> 00:33:09.977
  • - Right.- It was such
  • 00:33:09.977 --> 00:33:10.812
  • a salient moment.
  • 00:33:10.812 --> 00:33:12.280
  • And so that next fall,
  • 00:33:12.280 --> 00:33:14.182
  • we decided to start a course
  • 00:33:14.182 --> 00:33:16.084
  • on our Christian college campus,
  • 00:33:16.084 --> 00:33:19.053
  • and we called itRelationships 101.
  • 00:33:19.053 --> 00:33:22.256
  • We thought thesestudents are starving
  • 00:33:22.256 --> 00:33:23.991
  • for informationon relationships.
  • 00:33:23.991 --> 00:33:26.227
  • And if you know anythingabout an academic setting,
  • 00:33:26.227 --> 00:33:27.995
  • you don't just dream up a class
  • 00:33:27.995 --> 00:33:29.630
  • and start teaching it,
  • 00:33:29.630 --> 00:33:31.165
  • you gotta get approved bythe provost and the dean.
  • 00:33:31.165 --> 00:33:32.300
  • - Lots of committees,lots of yeah.
  • 00:33:32.300 --> 00:33:33.835
  • - Yeah, and so we wentthrough that whole process,
  • 00:33:33.835 --> 00:33:36.671
  • and we wanted to talk about
  • 00:33:36.671 --> 00:33:38.806
  • how to fall in lovewithout losing your mind.
  • 00:33:38.806 --> 00:33:40.641
  • We also want to give a lecture
  • 00:33:40.641 --> 00:33:41.876
  • on breaking up fordating couples.
  • 00:33:41.876 --> 00:33:43.811
  • How do you break upand stay in one piece?
  • 00:33:43.811 --> 00:33:45.813
  • What if you'rethe brokenhearted?
  • 00:33:45.813 --> 00:33:46.981
  • What if you're the heartbreaker?
  • 00:33:46.981 --> 00:33:48.649
  • What else?
  • 00:33:48.649 --> 00:33:50.051
  • - But it wasn't onlyromance, it was friendships.
  • 00:33:50.051 --> 00:33:51.853
  • - Yeah.- Because here's a time
  • 00:33:51.853 --> 00:33:52.820
  • in your life, you're hopefully
  • 00:33:52.820 --> 00:33:53.888
  • establishing lifetime friends.
  • 00:33:53.888 --> 00:33:56.057
  • - Right.- And also walking
  • 00:33:56.057 --> 00:33:57.758
  • through those brief moments
  • 00:33:57.758 --> 00:33:59.293
  • where friends fail you.
  • 00:33:59.293 --> 00:34:00.761
  • - Right.- And how do you cope
  • 00:34:00.761 --> 00:34:01.596
  • with that and heal?
  • 00:34:01.596 --> 00:34:02.797
  • - "Yeah, if youhaven't had a friend
  • 00:34:02.797 --> 00:34:04.031
  • "that fails you yet,put your seat belts on
  • 00:34:04.031 --> 00:34:05.399
  • "'cause it's coming,"we tell the students.
  • 00:34:05.399 --> 00:34:07.268
  • We all have our ownprivate Gethsemane,
  • 00:34:07.268 --> 00:34:09.303
  • we all have our ownJudas, and I woke,
  • 00:34:09.303 --> 00:34:11.839
  • "How can he have done that?
  • 00:34:11.839 --> 00:34:12.940
  • "I trusted him with my money"
  • 00:34:12.940 --> 00:34:14.175
  • or "I trusted himwith my secret."
  • 00:34:14.175 --> 00:34:15.243
  • - Right.- That kind of stuff.
  • 00:34:15.243 --> 00:34:16.511
  • And so all this stuffwe wanted to lecture on,
  • 00:34:16.511 --> 00:34:18.713
  • and we presented itto the committee,
  • 00:34:18.713 --> 00:34:21.449
  • and they said, "No, that'snot gonna work here."
  • 00:34:21.449 --> 00:34:23.684
  • We said, "Why not?"
  • 00:34:23.684 --> 00:34:25.219
  • They said, "Well, it doesn'thave enough academic rigor."
  • 00:34:25.219 --> 00:34:27.855
  • We said, "We'll putsome stuff in there
  • 00:34:27.855 --> 00:34:29.624
  • "that will confuse thestudents, if you'll like."
  • 00:34:29.624 --> 00:34:32.527
  • And they said, "Well,there's not even a textbook
  • 00:34:32.527 --> 00:34:34.729
  • "for a class like this."
  • 00:34:34.729 --> 00:34:36.230
  • And we said, "We'll writeour own if we need to."
  • 00:34:36.230 --> 00:34:37.865
  • Anyway, they turned us down.
  • 00:34:37.865 --> 00:34:39.133
  • They said it's justnot gonna work.
  • 00:34:39.133 --> 00:34:41.002
  • And so we left feeling dejected.
  • 00:34:41.002 --> 00:34:42.870
  • We came back maybe threeor four months later,
  • 00:34:42.870 --> 00:34:45.039
  • again with a revised proposal.
  • 00:34:45.039 --> 00:34:47.542
  • They turned us downfor the second time.
  • 00:34:47.542 --> 00:34:49.477
  • We went through thisthree times that year.
  • 00:34:49.477 --> 00:34:52.113
  • Finally, on the third round,
  • 00:34:52.113 --> 00:34:53.548
  • I think we just wore them down.
  • 00:34:53.548 --> 00:34:55.049
  • They said, "Okay, we'lllet you teach this course
  • 00:34:55.049 --> 00:34:56.551
  • "but only under these."
  • 00:34:56.551 --> 00:34:56.884
  • - Conditions andthey listed them off.
  • 00:34:57.952 --> 00:34:58.786
  • Remember this?
  • 00:34:58.786 --> 00:34:59.720
  • Like it had to be pass fail.
  • 00:34:59.720 --> 00:35:01.155
  • - Right.
  • 00:35:01.155 --> 00:35:02.390
  • - It had to be ageneral elective.
  • 00:35:02.390 --> 00:35:03.324
  • - Not required for a major.
  • 00:35:03.324 --> 00:35:04.759
  • - Right. It had to be onyour own time schedule,
  • 00:35:04.759 --> 00:35:06.827
  • meaning once all the otherclasses have been filled up,
  • 00:35:06.827 --> 00:35:08.829
  • you can find a roomthat's still open.
  • 00:35:08.829 --> 00:35:10.731
  • Oh and then teach itwithout compensation.
  • 00:35:11.899 --> 00:35:14.168
  • So with that pat on the back,
  • 00:35:14.168 --> 00:35:16.003
  • we set off to teach thisclass, Relationships 101.
  • 00:35:16.003 --> 00:35:19.307
  • Around 10-11 o'clock, thefirst morning of registration,
  • 00:35:19.307 --> 00:35:23.778
  • the registrar called my office.
  • 00:35:23.778 --> 00:35:25.580
  • He says, hey doc, he saidwe're gonna have to move
  • 00:35:25.580 --> 00:35:27.248
  • your classroom forRelationships 101.
  • 00:35:27.248 --> 00:35:29.784
  • I said, why? You knowand we had a room
  • 00:35:29.784 --> 00:35:32.019
  • that had 12 chairsin it or something.
  • 00:35:32.019 --> 00:35:34.222
  • And he said, well he saidyou didn't cap the course.
  • 00:35:34.222 --> 00:35:37.658
  • And I said, what do you mean?
  • 00:35:37.658 --> 00:35:38.893
  • He said, you didn'tlimit the number
  • 00:35:38.893 --> 00:35:40.261
  • of students thatcould take the class.
  • 00:35:40.261 --> 00:35:41.896
  • I said, what does thathave to do with anything?
  • 00:35:41.896 --> 00:35:44.065
  • He said, over 300 studentshave signed up for this class
  • 00:35:44.065 --> 00:35:47.068
  • and so we moved youto the auditorium
  • 00:35:47.068 --> 00:35:49.370
  • and there's a waiting listto get into this class now.
  • 00:35:49.370 --> 00:35:52.707
  • That was 20 years ago.
  • 00:35:52.707 --> 00:35:54.709
  • And we've beenteaching that class,
  • 00:35:54.709 --> 00:35:56.544
  • in one form oranother ever since.
  • 00:35:56.544 --> 00:35:59.046
  • And on the very firstlecture of that class,
  • 00:35:59.046 --> 00:36:02.016
  • we always tell these students,
  • 00:36:02.016 --> 00:36:03.417
  • it doesn't matter to uswhether you take a single note.
  • 00:36:03.417 --> 00:36:05.519
  • There's no quiz, there's nofinal exam, there's no midterm.
  • 00:36:05.519 --> 00:36:10.224
  • You're gonna get out of thiswhat you wanna get out of it
  • 00:36:10.224 --> 00:36:12.059
  • 'cause it's a pass fail course.
  • 00:36:12.059 --> 00:36:13.861
  • But we tell them, wewant you to right down
  • 00:36:13.861 --> 00:36:15.663
  • at least one single sentence.
  • 00:36:15.663 --> 00:36:18.799
  • And we tell them,this sentence has
  • 00:36:18.799 --> 00:36:20.134
  • the potential to revolutionizeevery relationship
  • 00:36:20.134 --> 00:36:22.770
  • that you ever attempt to build.
  • 00:36:22.770 --> 00:36:25.072
  • And here's the sentencethat we give them.
  • 00:36:25.072 --> 00:36:27.275
  • If you tried to build intimacy,
  • 00:36:27.275 --> 00:36:29.944
  • if you tried to build aconnection with another person,
  • 00:36:29.944 --> 00:36:33.147
  • before you've done thedifficult work of getting whole,
  • 00:36:33.147 --> 00:36:36.884
  • getting healthy on your own,
  • 00:36:36.884 --> 00:36:39.220
  • all your relationships become
  • 00:36:39.220 --> 00:36:41.289
  • an attempt to complete yourself.
  • 00:36:41.289 --> 00:36:44.225
  • - [Man] Oh my goodness.
  • 00:36:44.225 --> 00:36:45.693
  • - And they'll fallflat, guaranteed, why?
  • 00:36:45.693 --> 00:36:47.962
  • Because nobody, even thatperson you're seated next to
  • 00:36:47.962 --> 00:36:51.666
  • right there, nobody isdesigned to complete you.
  • 00:36:51.666 --> 00:36:55.536
  • That's the work that we do with
  • 00:36:55.536 --> 00:36:56.904
  • our heavenly father on our own.
  • 00:36:56.904 --> 00:36:58.439
  • Now as iron sharpensiron, we help each other
  • 00:36:58.439 --> 00:37:01.075
  • on the path to wholeness.
  • 00:37:01.075 --> 00:37:02.610
  • But ultimately, we can'tlean, this person is not
  • 00:37:02.610 --> 00:37:05.846
  • a shortcut to well being for me.
  • 00:37:05.846 --> 00:37:08.382
  • This person can helpme on that path,
  • 00:37:08.382 --> 00:37:10.885
  • but they can't dothat work for me.
  • 00:37:10.885 --> 00:37:12.520
  • That's the work I have to do.
  • 00:37:12.520 --> 00:37:14.188
  • It's an inside job.
  • 00:37:14.188 --> 00:37:16.390
  • - And that's why the mostimportant thing you could ever
  • 00:37:16.390 --> 00:37:19.026
  • do for yourrelationships is work on
  • 00:37:19.026 --> 00:37:21.595
  • who you are in thecontext of them.
  • 00:37:21.595 --> 00:37:23.964
  • - Right.
  • 00:37:23.964 --> 00:37:24.999
  • - Because when you get healthy,
  • 00:37:24.999 --> 00:37:26.734
  • that makes therelationship healthy.
  • 00:37:26.734 --> 00:37:28.803
  • Such a gift.
  • 00:37:28.803 --> 00:37:30.037
  • - And so that's where this book.
  • 00:37:30.037 --> 00:37:31.939
  • So you know, Matt when you say,
  • 00:37:31.939 --> 00:37:33.974
  • hey how'd this book come about?
  • 00:37:33.974 --> 00:37:35.876
  • I have to give youthat whole back story
  • 00:37:35.876 --> 00:37:37.645
  • because we've been preachingthis message for years
  • 00:37:37.645 --> 00:37:40.181
  • to thousands, tens ofthousands of students
  • 00:37:40.181 --> 00:37:42.850
  • going to other collegecampuses all over the place
  • 00:37:42.850 --> 00:37:45.186
  • talking about that andin churches far and wide,
  • 00:37:45.186 --> 00:37:47.922
  • giving that same message.
  • 00:37:47.922 --> 00:37:49.423
  • And so that's whywe're so excited
  • 00:37:49.423 --> 00:37:50.991
  • that finally the book isout and gives kind of a road
  • 00:37:50.991 --> 00:37:55.763
  • map for people to follow.
  • 00:37:55.763 --> 00:37:57.865
  • And so we talk aboutprofound significance.
  • 00:37:57.865 --> 00:38:00.534
  • That tuning in to that self talk
  • 00:38:00.534 --> 00:38:03.170
  • and understandingthat God loves you.
  • 00:38:03.170 --> 00:38:05.639
  • But in the book wego two steps further
  • 00:38:05.639 --> 00:38:08.042
  • and talk about what we call,
  • 00:38:08.042 --> 00:38:10.177
  • not just profoundsignificance, but...
  • 00:38:10.177 --> 00:38:13.047
  • - Unswerving authenticity.
  • 00:38:13.047 --> 00:38:14.548
  • Which is being true to you.
  • 00:38:14.548 --> 00:38:16.117
  • The person God createdyou to be in your life.
  • 00:38:16.117 --> 00:38:19.787
  • - Have you ever met somebody
  • 00:38:19.787 --> 00:38:21.021
  • that has suffered fromthat disease to please?
  • 00:38:21.021 --> 00:38:24.058
  • You know what I meanwhen I say that, right?
  • 00:38:24.058 --> 00:38:26.560
  • And they walk around thinking,
  • 00:38:26.560 --> 00:38:28.095
  • oh if I just did this,so and so would like me.
  • 00:38:28.095 --> 00:38:31.232
  • Oh maybe if Iaccomplish this goal,
  • 00:38:31.232 --> 00:38:32.833
  • I'd get acceptedinto this group.
  • 00:38:32.833 --> 00:38:34.735
  • Or maybe I'd winmom and dad's favor
  • 00:38:34.735 --> 00:38:36.604
  • if I chose thisfor my career path.
  • 00:38:36.604 --> 00:38:38.539
  • Or whatever it is andwe go through life
  • 00:38:38.539 --> 00:38:41.642
  • thinking that it's all abouttrying to please other people.
  • 00:38:41.642 --> 00:38:45.546
  • But not the healthyperson that has
  • 00:38:45.546 --> 00:38:47.681
  • a lock on thisunswerving authenticity.
  • 00:38:47.681 --> 00:38:50.084
  • Why?
  • 00:38:50.084 --> 00:38:51.585
  • Because they understandwhat Paul was talking about
  • 00:38:51.585 --> 00:38:53.654
  • in Ephesians, where hesaid, travel the path
  • 00:38:53.654 --> 00:38:57.224
  • that God has calledyou to travel.
  • 00:38:57.224 --> 00:38:59.727
  • He says, walk down that path,
  • 00:38:59.727 --> 00:39:01.529
  • and then he says,better yet, run.
  • 00:39:01.529 --> 00:39:03.330
  • Run down the path that Godhas called you to travel.
  • 00:39:03.330 --> 00:39:06.767
  • Because that's whatwe're talking about.
  • 00:39:06.767 --> 00:39:08.669
  • In spite of whatanybody else says,
  • 00:39:08.669 --> 00:39:10.838
  • in spite of whatanybody else thinks,
  • 00:39:10.838 --> 00:39:13.073
  • in spite of what anybody elsemight say behind your back,
  • 00:39:13.073 --> 00:39:16.444
  • you know this is the pathwayGod has called me travel
  • 00:39:16.444 --> 00:39:19.480
  • and that's what I've gotta do.
  • 00:39:19.480 --> 00:39:20.714
  • That's what we mean byunswerving authenticity.
  • 00:39:20.714 --> 00:39:24.285
  • And so we have a wholesection of the book
  • 00:39:24.285 --> 00:39:26.187
  • that focuses on that.
  • 00:39:26.187 --> 00:39:27.321
  • Does that make sense?
  • 00:39:27.321 --> 00:39:28.556
  • Profound significanceis where it starts.
  • 00:39:28.556 --> 00:39:30.090
  • And then unswervingauthenticity.
  • 00:39:30.090 --> 00:39:32.193
  • And then we got third.
  • 00:39:32.193 --> 00:39:33.861
  • - I have a friend thatsaid, I was asked today,
  • 00:39:33.861 --> 00:39:36.230
  • why am I so happy being married?
  • 00:39:36.230 --> 00:39:37.731
  • She says, because I wasso happy being single.
  • 00:39:37.731 --> 00:39:41.035
  • You know, she was happy becauseGod completed everything
  • 00:39:41.035 --> 00:39:45.873
  • in her life, and soshe was happy there,
  • 00:39:45.873 --> 00:39:47.608
  • now she's happy being married.
  • 00:39:47.608 --> 00:39:49.043
  • - So you're sayingthat Tom Cruise lied.
  • 00:39:49.043 --> 00:39:54.048
  • (laughing)
  • 00:39:54.648 --> 00:39:55.349
  • - That's it.
  • 00:39:55.349 --> 00:39:56.183
  • - You complete me.
  • 00:39:56.884 --> 00:39:58.352
  • - All right, so peopledon't complete each other.
  • 00:39:58.352 --> 00:40:00.521
  • So, in the context of COVID-19
  • 00:40:00.521 --> 00:40:04.792
  • and being stuck in the house,
  • 00:40:04.792 --> 00:40:08.095
  • you're saying that if you'renot right with yourself,
  • 00:40:08.095 --> 00:40:12.066
  • then you're not gonnabe right with your kids,
  • 00:40:12.066 --> 00:40:15.636
  • your spouse--- Would you call it
  • 00:40:15.636 --> 00:40:17.471
  • a corona-conflict, is that whatyou guys called it? (laughs)
  • 00:40:17.471 --> 00:40:22.142
  • - That's right.- That's right.
  • 00:40:22.142 --> 00:40:23.444
  • - Or a Catholic conflict--
  • 00:40:23.444 --> 00:40:25.446
  • - Quarantine.- Quarantine,
  • 00:40:27.181 --> 00:40:28.382
  • we're all in quarantine.- Kind of. (laughs)
  • 00:40:28.382 --> 00:40:31.018
  • (mumbles) but weare fighting more
  • 00:40:31.018 --> 00:40:33.254
  • because we're notour best selves
  • 00:40:33.254 --> 00:40:34.955
  • and we are a little unraveled.
  • 00:40:34.955 --> 00:40:36.323
  • - And let's behonest, by the way,
  • 00:40:36.323 --> 00:40:37.992
  • we never arrive, right?
  • 00:40:37.992 --> 00:40:39.627
  • We don't wake up some morning
  • 00:40:39.627 --> 00:40:41.428
  • and go "Hey, guess what?
  • 00:40:41.428 --> 00:40:42.663
  • "I guess this is it,I'm home, I'm complete."
  • 00:40:42.663 --> 00:40:44.932
  • Right?
  • 00:40:44.932 --> 00:40:46.200
  • - God is finishedthe work in me.
  • 00:40:46.200 --> 00:40:47.501
  • - It's a life long process
  • 00:40:47.501 --> 00:40:49.603
  • because there's a gradation,
  • 00:40:49.603 --> 00:40:52.172
  • there's a continuum of that,
  • 00:40:52.172 --> 00:40:53.741
  • and so that's why I saydon't waste this time
  • 00:40:53.741 --> 00:40:57.011
  • just thinking that theworld is gonna change
  • 00:40:57.011 --> 00:40:59.480
  • and then I can getback to life as normal.
  • 00:40:59.480 --> 00:41:02.683
  • This is a great opportunityto work on who you are
  • 00:41:02.683 --> 00:41:05.553
  • in the context ofyour relationships
  • 00:41:05.553 --> 00:41:07.888
  • but yeah, conflict,
  • 00:41:07.888 --> 00:41:09.256
  • you wanna talk a littlebit about conflict?
  • 00:41:09.256 --> 00:41:10.724
  • When was the last timeyou guys had a fight
  • 00:41:10.724 --> 00:41:13.294
  • in the midst of this?
  • 00:41:13.294 --> 00:41:14.528
  • - Wait a second,you took the words
  • 00:41:14.528 --> 00:41:16.664
  • right out of my mouth just now.
  • 00:41:16.664 --> 00:41:18.599
  • I was gonna say,
  • 00:41:18.599 --> 00:41:19.967
  • why don't you kinda tell--- Tell us yours.
  • 00:41:19.967 --> 00:41:21.969
  • - Delve into theParrot household
  • 00:41:21.969 --> 00:41:24.371
  • and kinda give us a little, so,
  • 00:41:24.371 --> 00:41:26.740
  • you go first, we'll go second,
  • 00:41:26.740 --> 00:41:28.509
  • yeah there you go.
  • 00:41:28.509 --> 00:41:29.577
  • I'm the host, you have to do it,
  • 00:41:29.577 --> 00:41:30.945
  • you have to go first.
  • 00:41:30.945 --> 00:41:32.513
  • - Yeah what timetoday (mumbles)?
  • 00:41:32.513 --> 00:41:33.847
  • (all laugh)
  • 00:41:33.847 --> 00:41:36.183
  • You know, when did wehave our last little
  • 00:41:37.384 --> 00:41:40.120
  • kinda COVID conflict?
  • 00:41:40.120 --> 00:41:41.722
  • - All right, you know what,
  • 00:41:41.722 --> 00:41:42.990
  • it's so funny becausethe COVID conflicts
  • 00:41:42.990 --> 00:41:45.759
  • are not about big things,
  • 00:41:45.759 --> 00:41:47.428
  • they're about little things,
  • 00:41:47.428 --> 00:41:48.829
  • those mosquitoes of marriage.
  • 00:41:48.829 --> 00:41:50.464
  • - Right, they really are.- But,
  • 00:41:50.464 --> 00:41:52.499
  • you can't get away fromeach other when they happen.
  • 00:41:52.499 --> 00:41:54.969
  • There's no escape,
  • 00:41:54.969 --> 00:41:56.203
  • there's no pressure valve.
  • 00:41:56.203 --> 00:41:57.705
  • - I'll tell you, this morning,
  • 00:41:57.705 --> 00:41:59.607
  • so I have thislike little routine
  • 00:41:59.607 --> 00:42:01.308
  • where I like blueberriesand this Greek yogurt
  • 00:42:01.308 --> 00:42:04.478
  • and a few littlenuts and I put that--
  • 00:42:04.478 --> 00:42:07.348
  • - It's an elaboratelittle routine.
  • 00:42:07.348 --> 00:42:08.616
  • - Well it's my routineand that works for me.
  • 00:42:08.616 --> 00:42:10.784
  • And so, often timesshe sets out a bowl
  • 00:42:10.784 --> 00:42:14.989
  • and kinda sets outsome stuff there
  • 00:42:14.989 --> 00:42:17.024
  • but my morning doesn'talways start at the same time
  • 00:42:17.024 --> 00:42:19.893
  • and sometimes I get caught upon a call or email or whatever
  • 00:42:19.893 --> 00:42:22.663
  • and so, anyway, I wandered in,
  • 00:42:22.663 --> 00:42:25.065
  • and it was kinda laterin the day than expected,
  • 00:42:25.065 --> 00:42:27.434
  • and I didn't see thatshe had set it out,
  • 00:42:27.434 --> 00:42:29.069
  • 'cause the boyswere in the kitchen,
  • 00:42:29.069 --> 00:42:30.504
  • you know making theirfood and whatever,
  • 00:42:30.504 --> 00:42:33.073
  • and so I went overand I got my own bowl,
  • 00:42:33.073 --> 00:42:35.209
  • and I sorta served my stuff.
  • 00:42:35.209 --> 00:42:36.910
  • She said "I had yourstuff out ready for you!"
  • 00:42:36.910 --> 00:42:38.779
  • and I was like, "Oh, Ididn't even see it there."
  • 00:42:38.779 --> 00:42:41.548
  • But she was kinda like offended.
  • 00:42:41.548 --> 00:42:42.816
  • - I felt deflated.
  • 00:42:42.816 --> 00:42:44.318
  • - Yeah, she felt like--- 'Cause I had done a kind--
  • 00:42:44.318 --> 00:42:46.220
  • - Right--- I have to prove it.
  • 00:42:46.220 --> 00:42:47.721
  • - She was trying tobless me in that moment
  • 00:42:47.721 --> 00:42:49.289
  • and I kind of likebrushed it off
  • 00:42:49.289 --> 00:42:50.958
  • and was like "Oh it'sokay, I don't need it now."
  • 00:42:50.958 --> 00:42:53.394
  • And rather than going "Oh howgracious of you to do that."
  • 00:42:53.394 --> 00:42:56.463
  • And it wasn't a conflict
  • 00:42:56.463 --> 00:42:58.298
  • but it was just,those little things,
  • 00:42:58.298 --> 00:43:00.067
  • because we're nowaround each other more.
  • 00:43:00.067 --> 00:43:02.703
  • - Right.- Before this whole,
  • 00:43:02.703 --> 00:43:03.971
  • you know, we were in ourhouse 24 hours a day,
  • 00:43:03.971 --> 00:43:07.741
  • she wasn't setting out bowls
  • 00:43:07.741 --> 00:43:09.410
  • for me to have myyogurt in, right?
  • 00:43:09.410 --> 00:43:11.145
  • It was good of her to do that.
  • 00:43:11.145 --> 00:43:13.047
  • So, let's turn the tables,what about you guys?
  • 00:43:13.047 --> 00:43:15.616
  • - So, I don't rememberexactly how it started,
  • 00:43:15.616 --> 00:43:19.053
  • but I remember myphrase back to her
  • 00:43:19.053 --> 00:43:22.623
  • was something to the effect of
  • 00:43:22.623 --> 00:43:24.892
  • "Should I just projectout into the future things
  • 00:43:24.892 --> 00:43:28.128
  • that you might do in the futurethat would be irritating?"
  • 00:43:28.128 --> 00:43:31.765
  • You know, something like that
  • 00:43:31.765 --> 00:43:33.100
  • but she was accusingme of doing something
  • 00:43:33.100 --> 00:43:38.105
  • that was probably at leastinside of my nature to do
  • 00:43:39.573 --> 00:43:43.544
  • but I hadn't done anything yet
  • 00:43:43.544 --> 00:43:45.079
  • but she was thinking I might.- He would have.
  • 00:43:45.079 --> 00:43:47.848
  • - No, first of all,
  • 00:43:47.848 --> 00:43:50.951
  • no I wouldn't have okay?
  • 00:43:52.686 --> 00:43:53.921
  • - You.- Okay, hang on you guys,
  • 00:43:55.689 --> 00:43:57.725
  • just a minute, okay.
  • 00:43:57.725 --> 00:43:59.126
  • So, God!(all laugh)
  • 00:43:59.126 --> 00:44:01.662
  • So, first of all,
  • 00:44:01.662 --> 00:44:03.397
  • I hadn't done a thing, okay?
  • 00:44:03.397 --> 00:44:05.099
  • I literally--- I was being
  • 00:44:05.099 --> 00:44:06.633
  • more Christian he was.
  • 00:44:06.633 --> 00:44:08.135
  • - I literally just showedher a thing on my phone,
  • 00:44:08.135 --> 00:44:11.538
  • some statistics on my phone
  • 00:44:11.538 --> 00:44:13.507
  • and she goes "Don't sendthose statistics out!"
  • 00:44:13.507 --> 00:44:15.976
  • And I said "I haven'tsent them", you know.
  • 00:44:15.976 --> 00:44:17.611
  • And she goes, "Ohyeah you would,
  • 00:44:17.611 --> 00:44:18.979
  • "you would do that."
  • 00:44:18.979 --> 00:44:20.214
  • You know, and it feltlike nine minutes later,
  • 00:44:20.214 --> 00:44:23.450
  • she was still tellingme not to do something
  • 00:44:23.450 --> 00:44:26.754
  • I hadn't done yet, okay?
  • 00:44:26.754 --> 00:44:28.655
  • So, basically that--(all laugh)
  • 00:44:28.655 --> 00:44:32.059
  • - And who said they were sorry?
  • 00:44:32.059 --> 00:44:34.061
  • - Huh?
  • 00:44:34.061 --> 00:44:34.995
  • - Who said they were sorry?
  • 00:44:34.995 --> 00:44:35.929
  • - Yeah like four hours later!
  • 00:44:35.929 --> 00:44:37.264
  • (Blonde Host shrieks)
  • 00:44:37.264 --> 00:44:38.665
  • (all laugh)
  • 00:44:38.665 --> 00:44:40.834
  • - That's not true.
  • 00:44:40.834 --> 00:44:41.769
  • - Okay, that was in the car.
  • 00:44:41.769 --> 00:44:42.903
  • It lasted all the way home,
  • 00:44:42.903 --> 00:44:45.672
  • past eating our Poyo Loko
  • 00:44:45.672 --> 00:44:48.575
  • sitting at the table, okay?
  • 00:44:48.575 --> 00:44:51.378
  • (all laugh)
  • 00:44:51.378 --> 00:44:53.347
  • Then I went out to thebackyard for a while.
  • 00:44:53.347 --> 00:44:55.783
  • That's why I'm so--
  • 00:44:55.783 --> 00:44:56.717
  • - Hand, today.
  • 00:44:57.317 --> 00:44:58.051
  • So, okay.
  • 00:44:58.051 --> 00:44:59.286
  • - He went out therethis morning, too.
  • 00:44:59.286 --> 00:45:00.721
  • Did he tell you that?
  • 00:45:00.721 --> 00:45:02.523
  • (laughing)
  • 00:45:02.523 --> 00:45:04.291
  • - Okay, so basically itwas a weird thing for us,
  • 00:45:04.291 --> 00:45:09.296
  • 'cause we usuallydon't, you know,
  • 00:45:10.464 --> 00:45:12.599
  • we'd been at this now 35 years.
  • 00:45:12.599 --> 00:45:14.768
  • We kinda get it.
  • 00:45:14.768 --> 00:45:16.003
  • But is the pandemic thing,
  • 00:45:16.003 --> 00:45:19.740
  • - It's 'cause I was right
  • 00:45:19.740 --> 00:45:20.974
  • - Systemically kind ofadding fuel to the fire,
  • 00:45:20.974 --> 00:45:23.944
  • is that kinda what'shappening here?
  • 00:45:23.944 --> 00:45:26.346
  • - Absolutely, becausewe're more anxious
  • 00:45:26.346 --> 00:45:29.850
  • and because we'refaced with challenges,
  • 00:45:29.850 --> 00:45:31.919
  • we haven't adapted to yet
  • 00:45:31.919 --> 00:45:33.987
  • or some of us arehomeschooling our children,
  • 00:45:33.987 --> 00:45:36.323
  • we're working from home, wejust have layers of stress.
  • 00:45:36.323 --> 00:45:40.594
  • So we're not our best self,we're in a new situation,
  • 00:45:40.594 --> 00:45:44.565
  • and it creates more quarrels.
  • 00:45:44.565 --> 00:45:46.466
  • - Yeah, plus the anxietyof not even knowing
  • 00:45:46.466 --> 00:45:49.670
  • how do we catchthis thing and like,
  • 00:45:49.670 --> 00:45:51.972
  • don't set that downthere, I just washed that.
  • 00:45:51.972 --> 00:45:53.507
  • It doesn't have anything on it.
  • 00:45:53.507 --> 00:45:55.409
  • And so we get allfrustrated because we're
  • 00:45:55.409 --> 00:45:58.312
  • just trying to controlour own environment
  • 00:45:58.312 --> 00:46:00.581
  • and so it just ripewith more conflict
  • 00:46:00.581 --> 00:46:03.817
  • and you know we'vebeen studying conflict
  • 00:46:03.817 --> 00:46:05.853
  • for a long time.
  • 00:46:05.853 --> 00:46:07.287
  • It's the most research aspectof relationship studies
  • 00:46:07.287 --> 00:46:10.424
  • is conflict and we wrotea book some years ago
  • 00:46:10.424 --> 00:46:13.827
  • called "The Good Fight"and back when we used
  • 00:46:13.827 --> 00:46:17.264
  • to go on airplanes andtravel to churches,
  • 00:46:17.264 --> 00:46:19.233
  • we'd do this fight night events
  • 00:46:19.233 --> 00:46:21.668
  • and it was always adate night for couples
  • 00:46:21.668 --> 00:46:24.271
  • and we had tworounds in fight night
  • 00:46:24.271 --> 00:46:26.974
  • and I think one day wewill still do this again
  • 00:46:26.974 --> 00:46:29.543
  • when we can getback on airplanes
  • 00:46:29.543 --> 00:46:30.911
  • and we travel to different,
  • 00:46:30.911 --> 00:46:32.279
  • the first round was why.
  • 00:46:33.247 --> 00:46:34.548
  • Why do we fight with theperson we love the most
  • 00:46:34.548 --> 00:46:37.684
  • and round two of the evening
  • 00:46:37.684 --> 00:46:39.486
  • was dedicated tohow, how do we fight
  • 00:46:39.486 --> 00:46:41.922
  • because here'sthe whole premise.
  • 00:46:41.922 --> 00:46:45.092
  • Conflict is the price we payfor a deeper level of intimacy.
  • 00:46:45.092 --> 00:46:49.029
  • If you know how tofight a good fight,
  • 00:46:49.029 --> 00:46:51.198
  • conflict can actuallybring you closer
  • 00:46:51.198 --> 00:46:53.567
  • and I know that soundscounterintuitive
  • 00:46:53.567 --> 00:46:55.035
  • but it's so true.
  • 00:46:55.035 --> 00:46:56.303
  • The goal is notto avoid conflict.
  • 00:46:56.303 --> 00:47:00.540
  • Some people think oh,that's what we gotta do
  • 00:47:00.540 --> 00:47:02.709
  • if we're reallygood at marriage,
  • 00:47:02.709 --> 00:47:03.911
  • we don't have conflict.
  • 00:47:03.911 --> 00:47:05.145
  • That is not true,it's inevitable.
  • 00:47:05.145 --> 00:47:07.047
  • In fact my favorite verse inall of scripture on conflict,
  • 00:47:07.047 --> 00:47:09.383
  • Romans 12:18 says, "If it'spossible as far as it depends
  • 00:47:09.383 --> 00:47:13.587
  • "on you, try to live atpeace with everyone."
  • 00:47:13.587 --> 00:47:17.858
  • I like that versebecause I don't know
  • 00:47:17.858 --> 00:47:19.526
  • of another verse thathas more qualifiers in it
  • 00:47:19.526 --> 00:47:21.528
  • than that verse.
  • 00:47:21.528 --> 00:47:22.996
  • Even scripture's sayingyou're gonna have conflict.
  • 00:47:22.996 --> 00:47:24.798
  • If it's possible, as faras it depends on you,
  • 00:47:24.798 --> 00:47:26.566
  • try, give it a shot,do what you can.
  • 00:47:26.566 --> 00:47:28.635
  • But you're gonna have conflict
  • 00:47:28.635 --> 00:47:30.704
  • so the question isthen how do we do that?
  • 00:47:30.704 --> 00:47:33.173
  • How do we have a good fight?
  • 00:47:33.173 --> 00:47:34.374
  • - Right and weknow from research
  • 00:47:34.374 --> 00:47:35.842
  • there really are some thingsthat are very formative
  • 00:47:35.842 --> 00:47:39.413
  • for a good fight,the kind of fight
  • 00:47:39.413 --> 00:47:41.181
  • that draws you closer together.
  • 00:47:41.181 --> 00:47:42.950
  • - You guys wanna knowthe four ingredients
  • 00:47:42.950 --> 00:47:45.319
  • of a good fight?
  • 00:47:45.319 --> 00:47:46.353
  • - Absolutely.- I need five.
  • 00:47:46.353 --> 00:47:47.154
  • (laughing)
  • 00:47:47.154 --> 00:47:50.123
  • - I'm gonna give you five.
  • 00:47:50.123 --> 00:47:51.391
  • (laughing)
  • 00:47:52.759 --> 00:47:55.329
  • - Well, when we weredoing this research
  • 00:47:55.329 --> 00:47:57.431
  • and we found that we hadfour stacks of studies
  • 00:47:57.431 --> 00:48:01.902
  • and these are thekind of studies
  • 00:48:01.902 --> 00:48:02.970
  • that nobody else reads.
  • 00:48:02.970 --> 00:48:04.504
  • These are the peer-revieweddusty shelf kind of studies.
  • 00:48:04.504 --> 00:48:08.008
  • - The professor-type studies.
  • 00:48:08.008 --> 00:48:09.543
  • - Right, but we're tryingto make sense out of this
  • 00:48:09.543 --> 00:48:11.011
  • and put the cookieson the bottom shelf
  • 00:48:11.011 --> 00:48:12.713
  • making it easy toaccess and so we came up
  • 00:48:12.713 --> 00:48:15.749
  • with realizing, in factLeslie just stood up
  • 00:48:15.749 --> 00:48:17.818
  • there all on the floor andshe says, "Well, there it is,"
  • 00:48:17.818 --> 00:48:19.486
  • she says, "that's the coreof a good fight right there."
  • 00:48:19.486 --> 00:48:22.356
  • And it was more perfectthan we realized,
  • 00:48:22.356 --> 00:48:24.191
  • because it really didstand for core, CORE.
  • 00:48:24.191 --> 00:48:27.461
  • And so we have these four things
  • 00:48:28.328 --> 00:48:30.530
  • that go into a good fight.
  • 00:48:30.530 --> 00:48:32.032
  • Do we have time totalk about these?
  • 00:48:32.032 --> 00:48:33.467
  • - You got about fiveminutes, so a minute each.
  • 00:48:33.467 --> 00:48:36.870
  • (chuckling)
  • 00:48:36.870 --> 00:48:38.338
  • - So we'll do this fast.
  • 00:48:38.338 --> 00:48:39.439
  • The first one is cooperation,
  • 00:48:39.439 --> 00:48:42.009
  • oh and by the way I gottatell this real quick
  • 00:48:42.009 --> 00:48:43.577
  • before I forget,Steven Curtis Chapman,
  • 00:48:43.577 --> 00:48:46.179
  • the incredible musician,
  • 00:48:46.179 --> 00:48:48.982
  • he was in our homea little while ago
  • 00:48:48.982 --> 00:48:50.584
  • and before this thing happened,
  • 00:48:50.584 --> 00:48:52.853
  • and he said, "Hey, Iwrote you guys a song."
  • 00:48:52.853 --> 00:48:55.322
  • And I said, "Well, you did?
  • 00:48:55.322 --> 00:48:56.923
  • "That's incredible."
  • 00:48:56.923 --> 00:48:58.458
  • He said, "Yeah, it's aboutthe core of a good fight,
  • 00:48:58.458 --> 00:49:00.394
  • "these things that youtalk about in your book,
  • 00:49:00.394 --> 00:49:02.029
  • "'The Good Fight'" and he said,"I wrote a song about it."
  • 00:49:02.029 --> 00:49:03.897
  • And he changed the acronym.
  • 00:49:03.897 --> 00:49:05.832
  • Our C stands for cooperation.
  • 00:49:05.832 --> 00:49:08.201
  • His C stood for cussing.
  • 00:49:08.201 --> 00:49:11.204
  • The whole (laughingdrowning out speech)
  • 00:49:11.204 --> 00:49:15.776
  • - You guys like him.
  • 00:49:15.776 --> 00:49:17.444
  • - Promise to you,Marisol and Weber,
  • 00:49:17.444 --> 00:49:18.879
  • he's a great guy.
  • 00:49:18.879 --> 00:49:20.147
  • - But if you wannahave a good fight,
  • 00:49:20.147 --> 00:49:21.415
  • you've gotta have acooperative spirit.
  • 00:49:21.415 --> 00:49:23.550
  • That's the C, and that canbe challenging these days.
  • 00:49:23.550 --> 00:49:26.186
  • - That can be challenging,because we forget
  • 00:49:26.186 --> 00:49:28.889
  • that we are not eachothers' enemy, we're a team
  • 00:49:28.889 --> 00:49:31.058
  • and we're workingagainst the threat
  • 00:49:31.058 --> 00:49:33.960
  • which is the challengescoming at us in the face
  • 00:49:33.960 --> 00:49:36.630
  • of this pandemic.
  • 00:49:36.630 --> 00:49:37.497
  • - The O is for?
  • 00:49:37.497 --> 00:49:39.032
  • - The O is about ownershipand this is where
  • 00:49:39.032 --> 00:49:41.635
  • a lot of the self-talkwe talked about
  • 00:49:41.635 --> 00:49:43.503
  • where you're owning things.
  • 00:49:43.503 --> 00:49:44.704
  • You're not self-pity,you're not trying
  • 00:49:44.704 --> 00:49:46.706
  • to blame anyone else.
  • 00:49:46.706 --> 00:49:47.941
  • You're saying howcan I, in humility,
  • 00:49:47.941 --> 00:49:50.644
  • be a part of whatever willresolve this right now?
  • 00:49:50.644 --> 00:49:53.847
  • - Humble pie is a pastrythat's never tasty, right?
  • 00:49:53.847 --> 00:49:56.516
  • - Set aside your pride inorder to own some of the chaos.
  • 00:49:57.884 --> 00:50:00.954
  • So cooperationship,ownership, respect,
  • 00:50:00.954 --> 00:50:04.291
  • that's the holy groundof a good fight,
  • 00:50:04.291 --> 00:50:06.426
  • - Right.
  • 00:50:06.426 --> 00:50:07.894
  • - As soon as you startyou know being sarcastic,
  • 00:50:07.894 --> 00:50:09.463
  • (laughs)
  • 00:50:09.463 --> 00:50:10.730
  • which is sometimeswhat we lean into.
  • 00:50:10.730 --> 00:50:12.466
  • I have two older brothers,so I sometimes say
  • 00:50:12.466 --> 00:50:14.201
  • that was my lovelanguage growing up
  • 00:50:14.201 --> 00:50:15.836
  • with sarcasm.- Yes.
  • 00:50:15.836 --> 00:50:17.337
  • - And it can be settled can bejust the rolling of the eyes
  • 00:50:17.337 --> 00:50:20.407
  • - Right.
  • 00:50:20.407 --> 00:50:21.241
  • - can be that.
  • 00:50:21.241 --> 00:50:22.809
  • - And then soc-0-r-e cooperation,ownership respect and,
  • 00:50:22.809 --> 00:50:25.312
  • - And empathy, whichempathy 's so powerful,
  • 00:50:25.312 --> 00:50:28.915
  • especially coming fullcircle back to the feelings
  • 00:50:28.915 --> 00:50:32.285
  • of anxiety wheneversomeone empathizes.
  • 00:50:32.285 --> 00:50:35.155
  • - I wish- Yeah.
  • 00:50:35.155 --> 00:50:36.389
  • we could bottleempathy in the time
  • 00:50:36.389 --> 00:50:37.657
  • of this pandemic,and just every home
  • 00:50:37.657 --> 00:50:39.659
  • would have their ownspray bottle of empathy.
  • 00:50:39.659 --> 00:50:41.728
  • Wouldn't that be incredible?- Oh great true.
  • 00:50:41.728 --> 00:50:44.297
  • - I want you to see it
  • 00:50:44.297 --> 00:50:45.432
  • in my perspective,- Right.
  • 00:50:45.432 --> 00:50:46.933
  • - But those are the fourthings we know from research
  • 00:50:46.933 --> 00:50:48.568
  • that really make a difference.
  • 00:50:48.568 --> 00:50:50.337
  • And I know thatsome of our viewers
  • 00:50:50.337 --> 00:50:51.838
  • are going Oh, yeah, well, yeah,I'm gonna do that the core
  • 00:50:51.838 --> 00:50:55.976
  • the next time I have a fight.
  • 00:50:55.976 --> 00:50:57.310
  • No, nobody's gonnaremember that.
  • 00:50:57.310 --> 00:50:59.946
  • You might remember c-o-r-ewhen you're just recalling it,
  • 00:50:59.946 --> 00:51:03.183
  • but in the midst of areal fight, you don't go,
  • 00:51:03.183 --> 00:51:05.752
  • "Hey, let's do thatcore thing, right?"
  • 00:51:05.752 --> 00:51:08.588
  • It just doesn't work that way.
  • 00:51:08.588 --> 00:51:10.190
  • So here's the challenge.
  • 00:51:10.190 --> 00:51:11.691
  • And what I suggest to peopleis think about those four,
  • 00:51:11.691 --> 00:51:14.327
  • cooperation, ownership,respect, or empathy.
  • 00:51:14.327 --> 00:51:16.796
  • And think about which oneyou do most naturally.
  • 00:51:16.796 --> 00:51:19.599
  • - Right.
  • 00:51:19.599 --> 00:51:20.867
  • - That's what you wannalean into the next time
  • 00:51:20.867 --> 00:51:22.836
  • you find yourself in the midstof some kind of conflict.
  • 00:51:22.836 --> 00:51:26.606
  • - The gift in thatis that when you lean
  • 00:51:26.606 --> 00:51:29.042
  • into even one good choice,it pulls the others along.
  • 00:51:29.042 --> 00:51:32.913
  • And remember, we talked abouthow contagious emotions are.
  • 00:51:32.913 --> 00:51:36.616
  • It pulls your spouse rightto that place with you.
  • 00:51:36.616 --> 00:51:39.819
  • So if Les offers youmelody to me and ownership,
  • 00:51:39.819 --> 00:51:43.223
  • I can't help.
  • 00:51:43.223 --> 00:51:44.491
  • It's almost irresistiblethat I would offer it
  • 00:51:44.491 --> 00:51:46.927
  • and return it back to him.
  • 00:51:46.927 --> 00:51:48.261
  • That's God's gift really.
  • 00:51:48.261 --> 00:51:49.796
  • - And Matt when youare more empathic
  • 00:51:49.796 --> 00:51:51.598
  • in your marriage, Laurieis gonna be more empathic
  • 00:51:51.598 --> 00:51:54.901
  • with you too.(laughs)
  • 00:51:54.901 --> 00:51:56.002
  • - Hey Les,
  • 00:51:56.002 --> 00:51:57.237
  • - He take more ownership.(laughs)
  • 00:51:57.237 --> 00:51:58.038
  • - Hey Les, watch this,
  • 00:51:58.038 --> 00:52:00.006
  • (claps)
  • 00:52:00.006 --> 00:52:00.874
  • (laughs)
  • 00:52:00.874 --> 00:52:03.443
  • - Love it when you do that.
  • 00:52:03.443 --> 00:52:04.277
  • - Yeah.(laughs)
  • 00:52:04.277 --> 00:52:06.513
  • - That's a sarcastic clap okay.
  • 00:52:06.513 --> 00:52:09.349
  • And
  • 00:52:10.450 --> 00:52:11.451
  • (laughs)
  • 00:52:11.451 --> 00:52:12.352
  • And so, okay,(laughs)
  • 00:52:12.352 --> 00:52:13.887
  • we've got aboutthree minutes left
  • 00:52:13.887 --> 00:52:17.657
  • in this particulartime together.
  • 00:52:17.657 --> 00:52:21.228
  • I just wanna resetjust for a second Les
  • 00:52:21.228 --> 00:52:23.597
  • and Lesley thank youfor being with us.
  • 00:52:23.597 --> 00:52:25.298
  • - I love you guys.
  • 00:52:25.298 --> 00:52:26.233
  • - "Healthy Me healthy Us."
  • 00:52:26.233 --> 00:52:27.834
  • I literally sat down in thestudio to start this interview.
  • 00:52:27.834 --> 00:52:31.438
  • Didn't know that yourbook was just out,
  • 00:52:31.438 --> 00:52:34.941
  • if it's available
  • 00:52:34.941 --> 00:52:36.409
  • if Amazon is stillshipping books right now.
  • 00:52:36.409 --> 00:52:38.778
  • I think they are.
  • 00:52:38.778 --> 00:52:40.113
  • But basically ifso, go to Amazon
  • 00:52:41.047 --> 00:52:44.117
  • and get the book or go totheir website or whatever.
  • 00:52:44.117 --> 00:52:47.287
  • It'll make it to you eventually.
  • 00:52:47.287 --> 00:52:49.656
  • COVID-19, guys just kindaland the plane here.
  • 00:52:49.656 --> 00:52:54.628
  • If you feel like prayingfor the audience,
  • 00:52:55.762 --> 00:52:57.197
  • whatever you feel like doing
  • 00:52:57.197 --> 00:52:58.798
  • but we've got a goodcouple of minutes left
  • 00:52:58.798 --> 00:53:02.435
  • and we just kinda wanna let youguys take the whole one hour
  • 00:53:02.435 --> 00:53:06.840
  • and kinda boil it down, kindagive the last little piece
  • 00:53:06.840 --> 00:53:09.676
  • on COVID-19 and relationships.
  • 00:53:09.676 --> 00:53:11.978
  • - Well we circle backaround to what we need
  • 00:53:13.179 --> 00:53:15.515
  • the most right now.
  • 00:53:15.515 --> 00:53:16.516
  • And that is hope.
  • 00:53:16.516 --> 00:53:17.884
  • - Right.
  • 00:53:17.884 --> 00:53:18.818
  • - You can call it optimism.
  • 00:53:18.818 --> 00:53:19.619
  • You can call it hope.
  • 00:53:19.619 --> 00:53:20.854
  • But you gotta plant yourfeet in that context,
  • 00:53:20.854 --> 00:53:24.491
  • and you've got to realizeit's gonna get better,
  • 00:53:24.491 --> 00:53:27.794
  • there's a new day tomorrow
  • 00:53:27.794 --> 00:53:29.329
  • and you might bestruggling financially,
  • 00:53:29.329 --> 00:53:31.364
  • you might be strugglingemotionally, relationally,
  • 00:53:31.364 --> 00:53:35.035
  • whatever it is, it'sweighing heavy on you,
  • 00:53:35.035 --> 00:53:37.971
  • don't let go of hope.
  • 00:53:37.971 --> 00:53:39.673
  • And I know some of youare just barely hanging on
  • 00:53:39.673 --> 00:53:41.708
  • with your fingertips out therebut don't let go of hope.
  • 00:53:41.708 --> 00:53:45.545
  • And that doesn't meanthat you've failed,
  • 00:53:45.545 --> 00:53:47.347
  • if you still have worriesand you still have concerns.
  • 00:53:47.347 --> 00:53:50.050
  • It's a mix because hope isseeing something in the future
  • 00:53:50.050 --> 00:53:53.219
  • that is a possibility.
  • 00:53:53.219 --> 00:53:54.421
  • - Right.
  • 00:53:54.421 --> 00:53:55.955
  • - Believing it can happenbut it's still worrying.
  • 00:53:55.955 --> 00:53:57.691
  • How do we get tothat and that's okay.
  • 00:53:57.691 --> 00:54:00.493
  • You can hold on to hope in themidst of your worry as well.
  • 00:54:00.493 --> 00:54:03.963
  • - And our hope is not basedin perfect circumstance.
  • 00:54:03.963 --> 00:54:07.434
  • (soft instrumental music)
  • 00:54:07.434 --> 00:54:08.635
  • It's based in reallyknowing that God has us.
  • 00:54:08.635 --> 00:54:13.306
  • He's holding us.
  • 00:54:13.306 --> 00:54:14.541
  • - That you can adjustto the circumstances
  • 00:54:14.541 --> 00:54:16.076
  • that are beyond your control- Right.
  • 00:54:16.076 --> 00:54:17.711
  • and be the person thatGod created you to be.
  • 00:54:17.711 --> 00:54:21.014
  • That's what we pray for,
  • 00:54:21.014 --> 00:54:22.749
  • healthy you healthyall your relationships.
  • 00:54:22.749 --> 00:54:26.519
  • So you guys thanks forhaving us on the program.
  • 00:54:26.519 --> 00:54:28.955
  • It's always fun andit's always an honor.
  • 00:54:28.955 --> 00:54:30.690
  • I wish we could do it in person.
  • 00:54:30.690 --> 00:54:31.891
  • - I do too.
  • 00:54:31.891 --> 00:54:33.159
  • We'll do soon.- The takeaway ultimately is,
  • 00:54:33.159 --> 00:54:35.595
  • this is a lock down
  • 00:54:35.595 --> 00:54:37.831
  • and if you're using it to expandyour relationship with God,
  • 00:54:37.831 --> 00:54:42.836
  • then that can help kindof bleed off the energy
  • 00:54:44.337 --> 00:54:49.342
  • of COVID-19 relatedstress and straint.
  • 00:54:50.543 --> 00:54:53.446
  • It's a healthy me firstand then it's a healthy
  • 00:54:53.446 --> 00:54:56.583
  • us after that so,
  • 00:54:56.583 --> 00:54:58.418
  • - He's getting there.
  • 00:54:58.418 --> 00:54:59.686
  • (laughs)
  • 00:54:59.686 --> 00:55:01.388
  • - He's getting there.(kisses)
  • 00:55:01.388 --> 00:55:02.222
  • - He's out better.
  • 00:55:02.222 --> 00:55:03.189
  • (laughs)
  • 00:55:03.189 --> 00:55:04.257
  • I'm taking the book home.
  • 00:55:04.257 --> 00:55:06.092
  • (laughs)
  • 00:55:06.092 --> 00:55:07.460
  • - Love you guys.
  • 00:55:07.460 --> 00:55:08.361
  • - Mwah!- All the way
  • 00:55:08.361 --> 00:55:09.496
  • from Seattle WashingtonLess and Leslie.
  • 00:55:09.496 --> 00:55:10.897
  • Thank you.
  • 00:55:10.897 --> 00:55:11.731
  • We'll see you next time.
  • 00:55:11.731 --> 00:55:13.032
  • - Bye bye.
  • 00:55:13.032 --> 00:55:14.701
  • (laughs)
  • 00:55:14.701 --> 00:55:16.503