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Understanding Strengths

February 12, 2018

27:30

Strengths Based Marriage with Jimmy Evans & Allan Kelsey

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Understanding Strengths

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- Since the beginning of time,
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marriage has been the foundation of society,
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and one of the secrets of success in marriage
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is you don't have to marry the perfect person
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who's just like you.
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- Yeah, you see, God has created each of us
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with a unique set of strengths,
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that when celebrated rather than stifled,
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can unlock the true potential of your marriage.
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In Strengths Based Marriage,
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we've drawn from more than 50 years of research
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from the Gallup Institute combined with over 35 years
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of experience in marriage counseling
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to develop an incredibly exciting resource
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that can literally revolutionize your relationship
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and prepare you for a lifetime of passion and intimacy,
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and we can't wait to share it with you.
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- That's right, when you learn to recognize and focus
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on the strengths of your spouse,
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you'll be able to celebrate what's right about them
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and value their God-given differences, not resent them.
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So join us on this journey to explore how implementing
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a Strengths Based Marriage can bring you closer together
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than ever before with your spouse.
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- [Narrator] Dr. Donald O. Clifton
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was a forerunner in positive psychology.
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Through his research, he identified 34 universal strengths
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that exist within each individual.
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Working with Gallup, he developed
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the Strengths Finder Assessment,
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which reveals how our unique order of strengths
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affect the way we engage with the world around us,
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influencing our thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
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Thousands of businesses, teams, and churches
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have harnessed this strengths-based approach to interacting,
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resulting in stronger relationships and greater performance.
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So what happens when you apply these same ideas
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to your own personal relationships, or even your marriage?
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On this journey, you will discover
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how to thrive in your strengths,
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recognize the positive traits in your partner,
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and develop your own strengths-based marriage.
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(upbeat music)
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- So if you're like me,
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you're probably wondering to some degree,
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why does this strengths thing matter to me?
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I mean, you're saying that it could help our marriage,
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I get that, but you got to sell me first,
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and I'm right there with you.
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Part of what I truly value is this idea of
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bringing the sciences and the things we can prove
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up to stand underneath our theology
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and the things that we believe.
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And so do you know why it matters to you?
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Because God said that you are his handiwork.
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This is what Ephesians 2:10 says,
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you are his handiwork, made in Christ Jesus for good works,
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which he prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.
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So let's just unpack that for a second,
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because this scripture, I'm telling you.
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This scripture, it reveals God's intent for you and I.
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We are his handiwork.
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That's the Greek word poiema,
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it literally means masterpiece.
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It's the idea that God spent three and a half years
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just working on the bridge of your nose
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to make it exactly right,
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and when he stood back and looked at the picture
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and just really felt comfortable about how it looked,
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he just broke the brushes, tossed them aside,
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slid the easel over, got a new one,
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and started all over again.
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This concept that we are his handiwork, his masterpiece,
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means that, it's like you and I, we are the Mona Lisa.
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I mean, think about that.
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There's only one of you,
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and it is so ridiculously rare, it's irreplaceable.
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I mean the value of that is, it's without compare.
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So we are his handiwork,
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and then he says that there is this place
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where our Christian-ness, our build, our creation,
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has its rightful place, and it's in Christ Jesus.
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And then it comes, and that we are made for good works,
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which he prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.
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So how do we get made for good works,
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and what does that even look like?
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Are we really set up for success in the world,
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and if God is saying so,
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then alright, maybe I dare to believe that.
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Maybe I take him at his word.
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After all, isn't that what the Bible says,
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that without faith it's impossible to please him?
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So yeah, alright, I'll step out in faith
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and I'll believe that you say that I am a masterpiece
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and I have something unbelievably important
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to contribute to the world,
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how am I supposed to find that out?
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Well it's a great question.
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The University of Nebraska was involved
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in one of these assessments really early,
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and in the mid-50s, this university
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invited the dean of the psychology department
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to do an assessment on all the freshman students that year
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to see how well they would read,
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and the main issue was we want to test and read,
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and maintain or retain your reading at an 80% level,
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and most of the students
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were reading about 90 words a minute.
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So I have an example over here that I want to show you.
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So 90 words a minute's about a half or a third of a page,
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and retaining 80% of what they've read.
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Now in this jar right here are 90 M&Ms.
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So you get a sense of how fast they're reading.
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Reading 90 words a minute,
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retaining 80% of what they've read.
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Then there was another group of people
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who were reading and could read a little bit faster,
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they were retaining 350 words a minute,
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or getting to remember and process 350 words a minute.
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Really good starting point,
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but then the psychologists decided we want to
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put all these students through a speed reading course
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and test them again at the end and see how they do.
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And so they trained them for six weeks,
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all of them, the entire freshman class.
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And then got to the end, and processed them again
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through a speed reading assessment
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to see how fast they could read,
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and if they were still remembering
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80% of what they had read.
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The results were fascinating.
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These students who had read 90 words a minute
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improved to 140 words a minute.
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Now you can see, there's a few more M&Ms in here,
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and remember, they're still remembering
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80% of what they've read.
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But the students who were reading 350 words a minute,
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which is what's in this jar right here,
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you're not even ready for how much they improved.
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They didn't just go up a little bit,
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look at this, look at this.
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They went up to almost 3.000 words a minute.
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Do you have any idea how many pages that is?
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It means they're reading this page and this page right here.
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They're reading this page and this page.
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Then they're taking that one and this one too.
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(yawns)
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And this one, and this one right here also,
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and this one and that one,
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and remembering 80% of what they've read.
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Now if you're like me, you're probably thinking,
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"This is ridiculous, I want that speed reading course.
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"That is going to make a huge difference in my life."
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And the problem is, you and I fell in the same trap.
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We believe that the effect of my retention,
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this amazing reading capacity,
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is directly related to the training,
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to the speed reading courses, and it's not, see.
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Because all of the students, all four of them,
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got all of the training.
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And so it's not the training that does the trick.
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It's the fact that those students showed up
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reading 350 words a minute in the very first place.
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You have remarkable talent.
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You have remarkable talent,
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and you ought to go find out what it is,
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because, like God said in Ephesians 2:10,
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it sets you up for success.
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Not just success, ridiculous capacity.
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This is how God designed us.
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We have a reflection of who he is.
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We're made in his image, right?
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That's what Genesis says, we're made in his image.
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So if I have these remarkable abilities,
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(laughs) it's because he has them.
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I mean, if I have arms, it's because he has arms.
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If I have a brain, it's because he has a brain.
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If I have remarkable talent, it's because
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God has invested in you and I ridiculous talent.
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And the problem with you and I is, we just don't know.
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We have no idea we have it, and so we've got to find out.
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Well, so this enters a new idea for us
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that's worth considering,
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and it's this idea that we cannot see ourselves.
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I mean, what do you have to have,
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what do you have to have in order to see yourself?
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If you're like me, you're thinking,
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"Okay, I got to have a mirror, I get that."
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And if you want to see the whole you
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before you're going out,
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like if you're getting all dressed up,
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and you really want to look sharp,
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and you want to see the whole you, what do you have to have?
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If you want to see the full picture,
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what do you have to have?
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Right, you have to have a full-length mirror.
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That's the only way you can see all of yourself.
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I can see pieces of me at a time,
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but I can't see the whole me.
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I have to have something or someone else
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other than me outside of me,
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to reflect back to me the full image of who I am.
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This is true, this is designed by God this way,
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and I think it emphasizes why we need each other,
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and it emphasizes why we need an assessment of sorts
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like this strengths test that helps you see yourself
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and where you are fantastic,
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because you can't see it by yourself.
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We can see it in each other,
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that's why community's so important,
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but we need this mirror.
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And so the strengths assessment is just a mirror.
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In and of itself, it has no power.
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But once you understand the ridiculous capacity,
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the once in a lifetime ability,
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the irreplaceably unique investment
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that God has made in your life and mind,
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and you come to grips with reality
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that that's truly in me, and it's just gonna stay there
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and probably operate at a 350 words a minute
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kind of power for the rest of my life,
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even if I don't do anything about it,
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then that's good, right?
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It sort of sets you up for success.
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I mean, 350's better than 90 or 140.
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So you've got an advantage
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over some of the other folks around you,
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but it's not completely world class yet.
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If you want world class,
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you got to add yourself to what God is investing in you.
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You got to do something with what you've been given.
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You've got to put some skills, some experience,
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some knowledge against those latent capacities
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that God has invested in you
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in order to be able to get
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world-class performance out of it, I mean come on.
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Nearly 3.000 words a minute, that's ridiculous.
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I want that, and every one of us have this ability.
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Some of us used to think it was only the rare few,
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but I'm telling you, we all have this remarkable ability
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to be able to give away something
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world class and unique to the world.
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Just how world class or unique is it?
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Well this strengths assessment that was created by Gallup,
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the Strengths Finder Assessment,
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reveals your top five strengths.
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And the five are important because it gives you
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an opportunity to focus on the best of who you are.
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Now, I want to ask you, if you could find somebody else
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who had the same five strengths as I do, in the same order,
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how many people do you think you'd have to talk to
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to find that person?
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Someone who's got the same five strengths as mine
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in exactly the same sequence, because the sequence matters.
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Do you know that the answer to that
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is one in 33 million people?
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One in 33 million people.
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That means according to the world population
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being about 7.6 billion people at present,
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there's roughly 200 of us on the planet today.
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If you think that's good, wait, we're not done yet.
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What about if we went to top six?
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I mean realistically, you're using your top
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six or seven, eight strengths on a regular basis.
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Gallup just cut it off at number five
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because it's a marketing exercise,
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and they would love for you to buy the rest of them,
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and there is some value in knowing the rest of them,
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but your top five are really the most important.
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But what if we went to number six?
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How many people would you have to talk to
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to find one person who had the same six strengths as me?
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You know what the answer is?
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One billion, one billion.
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That means there's seven of you on the planet.
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You want to do eight?
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Come on, let's do eight.
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Do you know how many people you would have to talk to
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to find one person who might have statistically
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the same eight strengths as you?
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It's over 700 billion people, with a B.
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Listen people, this is what I'm telling you.
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God has remarkably and ridiculously
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invested his own capacity in your life,
00:12:56.110 --> 00:12:59.050
in shades that you can reflect
00:12:59.050 --> 00:13:01.210
to the people around you every day,
00:13:01.210 --> 00:13:03.210
and the only reason you aren't able
00:13:03.210 --> 00:13:06.080
to reveal that kind of power on the world these days,
00:13:06.080 --> 00:13:09.150
is because you don't know.
00:13:09.150 --> 00:13:11.050
We need help, we got to find out.
00:13:11.050 --> 00:13:13.010
And so I want to invite you into this journey.
00:13:13.010 --> 00:13:15.120
I hope you've seen from this scientific explanation
00:13:15.120 --> 00:13:18.070
that there is more to you than you suspect,
00:13:18.070 --> 00:13:20.140
and if you will come with us and discover
00:13:20.140 --> 00:13:22.190
how wonderfully God has made you, you will be blown away
00:13:22.190 --> 00:13:25.150
at what a difference it makes to your life
00:13:25.150 --> 00:13:27.160
and to the life of your marriage.
00:13:27.160 --> 00:13:29.260
- [Announcer] TBN wants you to discover
00:13:29.260 --> 00:13:31.110
the truth and principals found in Strengths Based Marriage,
00:13:31.110 --> 00:13:34.120
and you will begin to see your relationship
00:13:34.120 --> 00:13:36.020
with your spouse in a whole new way.
00:13:36.020 --> 00:13:38.150
Call or go online to request this powerful collection today
00:13:38.150 --> 00:13:41.220
with your gift of $120 or more,
00:13:41.220 --> 00:13:44.030
and as our thank you for supporting TBN,
00:13:44.030 --> 00:13:46.210
we will rush these incredible resources to you today.
00:13:46.210 --> 00:13:50.110
Call 800-626-7454, or visit tbn.org/strongmarriage.
00:13:50.110 --> 00:13:54.150
Call 800-626-7454, or visit tbn.org/strongmarriage.
00:13:54.150 --> 00:13:56.150
- If you're just tuning in,
00:14:00.130 --> 00:14:01.250
welcome to Strengths Based Marriage.
00:14:01.250 --> 00:14:04.020
We have a guest couple with us today.
00:14:04.020 --> 00:14:05.250
Let's have a look at how
00:14:05.250 --> 00:14:07.060
their strengths influence their marriage.
00:14:07.060 --> 00:14:10.110
- [Announcer] Today's couple is Kyle Windebank and Mary Fox
00:14:10.110 --> 00:14:13.000
from Colorado Springs, Colorado.
00:14:13.000 --> 00:14:14.250
Kyle's top five strengths are restorative, context,
00:14:14.250 --> 00:14:18.050
learner, command, and intellection.
00:14:18.050 --> 00:14:20.260
Mary's top five strengths are positivity, relator,
00:14:20.260 --> 00:14:24.050
arranger, harmony, and communication.
00:14:24.050 --> 00:14:27.080
- Well I'm Allan Kelsey and this is Jimmy Evans.
00:14:28.170 --> 00:14:30.190
We are the co-authors of Strengths Based Marriage,
00:14:30.190 --> 00:14:32.250
and we're so excited to spend
00:14:32.250 --> 00:14:34.010
some time today with Kyle and Mary.
00:14:34.010 --> 00:14:35.280
God, I mean you guys traveled
00:14:35.280 --> 00:14:37.050
a good distance to come here today.
00:14:37.050 --> 00:14:38.190
Thank you so much for joining us today.
00:14:38.190 --> 00:14:40.140
- Of course, thanks for having us.
00:14:40.140 --> 00:14:41.290
- For our viewing audience, why don't you just give us
00:14:41.290 --> 00:14:43.180
a little bit about what you do and what your
00:14:43.180 --> 00:14:45.180
marital status is, and just a snapshot of the pair of you.
00:14:45.180 --> 00:14:49.000
- Yeah, so currently we're engaged.
00:14:49.000 --> 00:14:51.010
Getting married about three weeks from now.
00:14:51.010 --> 00:14:53.080
- [Allan] Wait, so you're not married yet?
00:14:53.080 --> 00:14:54.140
- Not married yet.
00:14:54.140 --> 00:14:55.200
- [Allan] We got a fresh set right here.
00:14:55.200 --> 00:14:56.240
- Oh wow, we love it. (Mary laughs)
00:14:56.240 --> 00:14:58.230
- Yeah, so three weeks, we're both currently in the Springs.
00:14:58.230 --> 00:15:01.290
We are working and moving forward
00:15:01.290 --> 00:15:05.050
and preparing for marriage. - [Allan] Yeah.
00:15:05.050 --> 00:15:07.230
- I did a lot of pre-marriage counseling
00:15:07.230 --> 00:15:09.120
when I first came in the ministry.
00:15:09.120 --> 00:15:11.080
You guys are so wise to slow down
00:15:11.080 --> 00:15:15.120
and prepare yourselves before you get married.
00:15:15.120 --> 00:15:17.290
Because first of all, it just is gonna save you
00:15:17.290 --> 00:15:20.210
a lot of heartache that you would have gone through,
00:15:20.210 --> 00:15:23.240
and secondly, you're just gonna have success and blessings
00:15:23.240 --> 00:15:27.290
because of that, because you're prepared.
00:15:29.010 --> 00:15:30.250
And you don't know your strengths.
00:15:30.250 --> 00:15:32.180
- Not yet.
00:15:32.180 --> 00:15:34.030
- Yeah that's right, you haven't even had a chance
00:15:34.030 --> 00:15:35.190
to look at each other's or to know what they are yet.
00:15:35.190 --> 00:15:37.030
So why don't we start with that?
00:15:37.030 --> 00:15:38.230
Should we just get in and kind of talk about them?
00:15:38.230 --> 00:15:40.260
Alright, ladies first. - Okay.
00:15:40.260 --> 00:15:42.250
- So you ready, Mary?
00:15:42.250 --> 00:15:43.230
I'm about to reveal to you,
00:15:43.230 --> 00:15:45.150
or really to Kyle, because you know what yours are.
00:15:45.150 --> 00:15:48.120
So her number one strength is positivity.
00:15:48.120 --> 00:15:51.180
Which means that she kind of has this tendency
00:15:51.180 --> 00:15:53.250
to look at the glass half full you know, not half empty.
00:15:53.250 --> 00:15:58.000
So that's a very positive outlook for life,
00:15:59.100 --> 00:16:02.140
but it also has, it has an implication,
00:16:02.140 --> 00:16:05.020
which means she needs a positive environment,
00:16:05.020 --> 00:16:08.060
and if she finds one that's not that kind of positive,
00:16:08.060 --> 00:16:11.030
she'll work really hard to convert it
00:16:11.030 --> 00:16:13.020
so that there's hope in the room,
00:16:13.020 --> 00:16:15.050
but if after a length of time
00:16:15.050 --> 00:16:16.200
she can't get the room converted, she'll leave.
00:16:16.200 --> 00:16:19.240
I mean it's that big of a deal.
00:16:19.240 --> 00:16:21.020
It's that much of a filter for her.
00:16:21.020 --> 00:16:22.240
She has to have a positive environment.
00:16:22.240 --> 00:16:25.270
Next one is relator, so she loves one-on-one relationships,
00:16:25.270 --> 00:16:29.220
loves deep, meaningful conversation.
00:16:29.220 --> 00:16:32.220
I'll give you a hint here.
00:16:33.190 --> 00:16:35.000
Relators love to have eye-to-eye
00:16:35.000 --> 00:16:37.000
contact when you're communicating.
00:16:37.000 --> 00:16:38.250
If you mess around with your phone
00:16:38.250 --> 00:16:40.100
while you're talking to her, oh, I'm telling you.
00:16:40.100 --> 00:16:42.200
You're liable to get a little (imitates bone crack) over it.
00:16:42.200 --> 00:16:45.150
Alright, number three is arranger.
00:16:45.150 --> 00:16:48.130
So your arranger is just the idea that you intuitively
00:16:48.130 --> 00:16:52.050
know how the pieces fit together,
00:16:52.050 --> 00:16:54.030
and you have a sense of what will work best
00:16:54.030 --> 00:16:57.000
for that particular mix.
00:16:57.000 --> 00:16:58.190
If I take one out and put another one in,
00:16:58.190 --> 00:17:00.290
then you mix it differently
00:17:00.290 --> 00:17:02.030
because that's a different mix of things.
00:17:02.030 --> 00:17:04.110
And so it works for people and it works for stuff.
00:17:04.110 --> 00:17:06.170
She's just naturally good at arranging.
00:17:06.170 --> 00:17:09.220
And then the fourth is harmony, which means that you are,
00:17:09.220 --> 00:17:13.250
you just will make room for others,
00:17:15.000 --> 00:17:16.130
and you'll make adjustment
00:17:16.130 --> 00:17:18.060
even if it costs you a little something
00:17:18.060 --> 00:17:20.020
in order to make it so that everybody can get along,
00:17:20.020 --> 00:17:22.190
and you really value community, unity,
00:17:22.190 --> 00:17:25.210
people thinking and working together.
00:17:25.210 --> 00:17:27.210
So you're a very natural team builder, which is wonderful.
00:17:27.210 --> 00:17:31.060
And then the last is communication.
00:17:31.060 --> 00:17:33.150
So she loves to be able to communicate.
00:17:33.150 --> 00:17:35.140
In this regard, I have a question for you then, Mary.
00:17:35.140 --> 00:17:38.090
Communication is both written and spoken.
00:17:38.090 --> 00:17:41.130
Which is your preference, and if it's both,
00:17:41.130 --> 00:17:43.160
can you split them up like 60/40, 20/10?
00:17:43.160 --> 00:17:47.090
How would you do it?
00:17:47.090 --> 00:17:49.040
- First initial thought is 100% verbal, spoken.
00:17:49.040 --> 00:17:53.090
- [Allan] Speaking, yes.
00:17:54.010 --> 00:17:55.130
- I appreciate more of that side
00:17:55.130 --> 00:17:56.200
of communication verse written,
00:17:56.200 --> 00:17:59.140
though I have an appreciation,
00:17:59.140 --> 00:18:01.100
and overall it's probably like a 80 spoken, 20 written.
00:18:01.100 --> 00:18:05.150
- [Allan] Yeah. - Yeah.
00:18:06.090 --> 00:18:07.240
- So is there any of this that you find confirming
00:18:07.240 --> 00:18:10.030
in the way that you know her to be?
00:18:10.030 --> 00:18:11.280
- For sure, I think her positivity
00:18:11.280 --> 00:18:14.130
is something that jumps out, definitely.
00:18:14.130 --> 00:18:16.060
As I have viewed our relationship as a very positive person,
00:18:16.060 --> 00:18:20.110
ready to jump into a situation,
00:18:21.070 --> 00:18:22.140
and you know, like you were saying,
00:18:22.140 --> 00:18:23.210
make the glass half full for sure, so.
00:18:23.210 --> 00:18:26.120
- I think it's a phenomenal strength to have as number one.
00:18:26.120 --> 00:18:30.170
Sometimes what can happen in a marriage is that
00:18:31.290 --> 00:18:35.000
we look at our spouses strengths,
00:18:36.200 --> 00:18:39.130
and we think well Mary's just naive, she's always positive.
00:18:39.130 --> 00:18:42.180
So I need to give the balance of that and tell her
00:18:42.180 --> 00:18:45.140
Armageddon's next week. (laughter)
00:18:45.140 --> 00:18:48.030
You really need to get some negative in here,
00:18:48.030 --> 00:18:50.220
because bad things are coming.
00:18:50.220 --> 00:18:52.020
I'm not saying you're doing that today.
00:18:52.020 --> 00:18:53.260
I'm saying after 10 or 15 years of marriage,
00:18:53.260 --> 00:18:56.030
sometimes the positivity can wear on you,
00:18:56.030 --> 00:18:58.270
and the point being, she's wired that way from birth.
00:18:58.270 --> 00:19:01.200
And so she's not gonna be that way today.
00:19:01.200 --> 00:19:04.000
She's gonna be that way 50 years from now.
00:19:04.000 --> 00:19:06.000
When y'all are celebrating
00:19:06.000 --> 00:19:07.050
your golden anniversary 50 years from now.
00:19:07.050 --> 00:19:10.110
My wife and I, you know, we're the same as we were
00:19:10.110 --> 00:19:12.240
when we were 19 years old, our general strengths.
00:19:12.240 --> 00:19:14.230
So I think it's a fantastic strength.
00:19:14.230 --> 00:19:18.050
- Okay Mary, are you ready to hear
00:19:18.050 --> 00:19:19.100
about this man you're about to marry?
00:19:19.100 --> 00:19:20.100
- I am. - Okay.
00:19:20.100 --> 00:19:21.180
So number one, he starts with restorative,
00:19:21.180 --> 00:19:23.210
which means he can look at people or things
00:19:23.210 --> 00:19:26.170
and has this intuitive sense
00:19:26.170 --> 00:19:28.110
of how to bring the former glory back.
00:19:28.110 --> 00:19:31.070
Like there might be something missing,
00:19:31.070 --> 00:19:32.180
and he knows how to repair it,
00:19:32.180 --> 00:19:34.150
and he has the motivation to see that happen.
00:19:34.150 --> 00:19:37.030
Then next is context, which means that you have,
00:19:37.030 --> 00:19:40.030
you have just as much interest in how we got here
00:19:40.030 --> 00:19:43.020
as where we're going,
00:19:43.020 --> 00:19:44.220
and you just bring kind of
00:19:44.220 --> 00:19:46.090
past experiences into present conversation because for you,
00:19:46.090 --> 00:19:50.040
it's a very relevant contributor
00:19:50.040 --> 00:19:52.080
to today's you know, kind of experiences.
00:19:52.080 --> 00:19:55.210
You have learner at number three,
00:19:57.010 --> 00:19:58.220
which means you have this persistent curiosity
00:19:58.220 --> 00:20:01.220
about a wide range of things, which is great.
00:20:01.220 --> 00:20:04.220
Kyle, then you have command,
00:20:04.220 --> 00:20:06.070
which is a very strong leadership kind of a gift.
00:20:06.070 --> 00:20:09.070
It's a gift that brings very natural
00:20:09.070 --> 00:20:12.020
structure and order to things or people,
00:20:12.020 --> 00:20:15.000
and you have a good sense
00:20:15.000 --> 00:20:16.120
of how to lead a company, not just a crowd.
00:20:16.120 --> 00:20:19.030
So I think that that's a good insight to have.
00:20:19.030 --> 00:20:23.080
And then the last one is intellection,
00:20:24.130 --> 00:20:25.200
which means the gears are always turning.
00:20:25.200 --> 00:20:28.140
That hard drive upstairs is always running,
00:20:28.140 --> 00:20:30.120
and you might come across him from time to time
00:20:30.120 --> 00:20:32.260
staring out of a window, and you're wondering
00:20:32.260 --> 00:20:34.290
what he's looking at, and he's not looking at the window.
00:20:34.290 --> 00:20:37.080
He's off somewhere else in his head
00:20:37.080 --> 00:20:38.200
kind of postulating and measuring things,
00:20:38.200 --> 00:20:40.230
and you might wonder like, is he even here?
00:20:40.230 --> 00:20:44.130
Like, what's happening?
00:20:44.130 --> 00:20:45.110
I don't know. (chuckles)
00:20:45.110 --> 00:20:46.240
But it's a wonderful strength,
00:20:46.240 --> 00:20:48.020
because what you digest and what you ruminate on
00:20:48.020 --> 00:20:52.060
creates wonderful product in the end of it.
00:20:53.170 --> 00:20:55.030
So is there anything surprising or confirming then,
00:20:55.030 --> 00:20:58.000
for you Mary, as you think about
00:20:58.000 --> 00:20:59.200
what you've just heard for him?
00:20:59.200 --> 00:21:00.280
- I would say not surprising.
00:21:00.280 --> 00:21:02.230
A lot of what you're saying defines who he is.
00:21:02.230 --> 00:21:06.150
Now it just puts words to things I've observed about him.
00:21:06.150 --> 00:21:09.290
So like restorative, he always sees projects
00:21:09.290 --> 00:21:12.080
and wants to work with his hands,
00:21:12.080 --> 00:21:13.280
or he always is reading, which is great, I love that.
00:21:13.280 --> 00:21:17.160
So he reads all these books at night, late into the night,
00:21:17.160 --> 00:21:20.050
and then he comes, "This is what I'm reading about."
00:21:20.050 --> 00:21:22.170
What was it, Malcolm X,
00:21:22.170 --> 00:21:23.240
that was his last book he read about,
00:21:23.240 --> 00:21:25.130
and we talked, we had a car ride,
00:21:25.130 --> 00:21:26.190
and he talked all about it, and I was like,
00:21:26.190 --> 00:21:28.030
"Yeah, I don't mind learning, it's fun."
00:21:28.030 --> 00:21:29.140
(Allan laughs)
00:21:29.140 --> 00:21:31.090
Command makes total sense, and then the one where's he's
00:21:31.090 --> 00:21:34.180
thinking in his brain, that totally makes sense.
00:21:34.180 --> 00:21:37.220
Where we're having a conversation sometimes,
00:21:37.220 --> 00:21:39.260
and I can see the gears kind of rolling in his brain.
00:21:39.260 --> 00:21:43.020
It totally makes sense.
00:21:43.020 --> 00:21:44.170
- Alright, so when I put these two together, okay,
00:21:44.170 --> 00:21:46.100
because this is like soup now.
00:21:46.100 --> 00:21:47.260
All these ingredients are about to go into one container,
00:21:47.260 --> 00:21:50.160
and we're gonna see what comes out of all of that.
00:21:50.160 --> 00:21:53.250
I'm aware, because of the strengths
00:21:53.250 --> 00:21:55.120
that the two of you have,
00:21:55.120 --> 00:21:56.230
that there may be an opportunity for misunderstanding.
00:21:56.230 --> 00:22:00.090
Just if you default to your natural position.
00:22:00.090 --> 00:22:02.280
Now I'm not painting doom and gloom for your marriage,
00:22:02.280 --> 00:22:04.290
what I'm saying is, I think there's opportunity here
00:22:04.290 --> 00:22:07.230
for you to avoid pain in the future
00:22:07.230 --> 00:22:10.030
by knowing each other in a more deep kind of way.
00:22:10.030 --> 00:22:14.060
So Mary, you have communication,
00:22:15.020 --> 00:22:16.180
which means that the distance between your thought
00:22:16.180 --> 00:22:19.280
and what you say is really short, and it's very clear.
00:22:19.280 --> 00:22:24.020
So what you say is genuinely what you think,
00:22:24.020 --> 00:22:27.050
and so it just really easily comes out.
00:22:27.050 --> 00:22:29.210
Kyle, you have restorative, which means that
00:22:29.210 --> 00:22:32.080
you inherently have an ability to see
00:22:32.080 --> 00:22:34.190
what's not there or what's missing and want to bring it
00:22:34.190 --> 00:22:38.190
so that you can restore the thing,
00:22:38.190 --> 00:22:40.040
make it as beautiful as it was all along.
00:22:40.040 --> 00:22:43.170
But both of these two strengths
00:22:43.170 --> 00:22:45.140
lend themselves to elements of being misunderstood,
00:22:45.140 --> 00:22:49.190
for different reasons that we probably
00:22:50.220 --> 00:22:51.290
don't have time to get involved with right now,
00:22:51.290 --> 00:22:53.130
but if you'll just take my word for it, it is often true.
00:22:53.130 --> 00:22:57.100
Hers being misunderstood because she is,
00:22:57.100 --> 00:23:01.170
she transects on the value of the words.
00:23:02.230 --> 00:23:04.200
Like, because what she thinks and what she says
00:23:04.200 --> 00:23:07.110
is so close, like those are the same thing,
00:23:07.110 --> 00:23:10.110
she takes what's said as being at face value.
00:23:10.110 --> 00:23:13.180
So, that must be what the people are thinking,
00:23:13.180 --> 00:23:16.100
whereas that's not always the case
00:23:16.100 --> 00:23:17.280
with the rest of us, we know that.
00:23:17.280 --> 00:23:20.170
You on the other hand,
00:23:20.170 --> 00:23:21.240
are so accustomed to seeing what's not there,
00:23:21.240 --> 00:23:24.020
you look for it in dialogue also.
00:23:24.020 --> 00:23:26.070
So you look for it in communication,
00:23:26.070 --> 00:23:27.290
and so you often wonder, like,
00:23:27.290 --> 00:23:29.080
"What else is there that's not being said?"
00:23:29.080 --> 00:23:31.140
And so I just see potentially
00:23:31.140 --> 00:23:33.080
you guys not being understood with each other at times.
00:23:33.080 --> 00:23:36.250
Talk to me a little bit about your dialogue
00:23:36.250 --> 00:23:38.210
and the quality of how you feel you communicate.
00:23:38.210 --> 00:23:42.240
- Yeah, I would agree, and I would say,
00:23:42.240 --> 00:23:45.000
like what you're communicating happens sometimes,
00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:48.290
but what we've learned to do is if I'm verbally processing
00:23:48.290 --> 00:23:52.190
or just saying what's coming out in my thoughts,
00:23:52.190 --> 00:23:55.010
I just tell Kyle, "Hey this is just
00:23:55.010 --> 00:23:57.030
"what I'm thinking right now, it's not a set thought,
00:23:57.030 --> 00:24:00.060
"it's not where I'm landing at this moment."
00:24:00.060 --> 00:24:03.060
It's just my verbal process
00:24:03.060 --> 00:24:04.220
to try to get where he's already at,
00:24:04.220 --> 00:24:07.050
or some of the missing parts I'm trying to communicate that.
00:24:07.050 --> 00:24:10.270
- As you guys are sitting here, what I'm thinking is this.
00:24:10.270 --> 00:24:14.240
You could flood him with words, right?
00:24:14.240 --> 00:24:17.150
- Mm-hm. - Mm-hm.
00:24:17.150 --> 00:24:18.290
- [Jimmy] You ever feel that way?
00:24:18.290 --> 00:24:20.030
- It's happened, yeah. (Mary laughs)
00:24:20.030 --> 00:24:21.270
- Well, and so what happens is
00:24:21.270 --> 00:24:23.120
one of her deepest needs, a woman's deepest needs,
00:24:23.120 --> 00:24:26.290
is for open and honest communication.
00:24:26.290 --> 00:24:29.020
And so when you're communicating with her,
00:24:29.020 --> 00:24:31.160
she doesn't just want information, she wants emotion.
00:24:31.160 --> 00:24:35.080
- Kyle and Mary,
00:24:35.080 --> 00:24:36.240
it was such a joy being able to spend time with you today.
00:24:36.240 --> 00:24:39.290
We've really just gotten to unpack some of the elements
00:24:39.290 --> 00:24:43.170
of your strengths and how they play into each other,
00:24:43.170 --> 00:24:45.230
but we're excited about you guys
00:24:45.230 --> 00:24:47.140
getting married and what the future holds,
00:24:47.140 --> 00:24:49.140
and you being able to balance your strengths with each other
00:24:49.140 --> 00:24:53.010
and move on to a powerful, long-lasting marriage.
00:24:53.010 --> 00:24:55.250
Thanks for joining us today.
00:24:55.250 --> 00:24:56.290
- Thank you so much. - Thank you.
00:24:56.290 --> 00:24:59.130
- I love to see stories like that.
00:24:59.130 --> 00:25:01.150
That's why we do what we do, and an example of the impact
00:25:01.150 --> 00:25:05.000
these powerful resources can have on your marriage.
00:25:05.000 --> 00:25:08.050
- Yeah, for example, maybe your number one strength
00:25:08.050 --> 00:25:10.250
is empathy, and your spouse's strength is to be restorative.
00:25:10.250 --> 00:25:14.240
Being aware of that is so important,
00:25:14.240 --> 00:25:16.270
because it will help you
00:25:16.270 --> 00:25:18.050
to understand how each of you think,
00:25:18.050 --> 00:25:19.240
because while someone who is empathetic
00:25:19.240 --> 00:25:21.260
will feel what others are feeling,
00:25:21.260 --> 00:25:23.250
a restorative spouse will see a problem and try to fix it.
00:25:23.250 --> 00:25:27.190
They both want there to be
00:25:27.190 --> 00:25:28.290
resolution and understanding, peace and growth,
00:25:28.290 --> 00:25:32.160
but their perspectives are completely opposite,
00:25:32.160 --> 00:25:34.240
and if misunderstood by each other,
00:25:34.240 --> 00:25:37.080
can be cause for some really heated discussion.
00:25:37.080 --> 00:25:40.000
- But trust me, no matter what situation you're in,
00:25:40.000 --> 00:25:43.030
your marriage can thrive in every area,
00:25:43.030 --> 00:25:46.010
emotionally, physically, and spiritually,
00:25:46.010 --> 00:25:48.040
and we want to help you experience that today.
00:25:48.040 --> 00:25:50.190
So request your Strengths Based Marriage resources
00:25:50.190 --> 00:25:53.210
with your gift, and discover the principals you need
00:25:53.210 --> 00:25:56.180
to see yourself, your spouse,
00:25:56.180 --> 00:25:58.200
and your marriage in a new, amazing way.
00:25:58.200 --> 00:26:02.020
- [Announcer] TBN wants you to discover the truths
00:26:03.150 --> 00:26:05.010
and principals found in Strengths Based Marriage,
00:26:05.010 --> 00:26:07.220
and you will begin to see your relationship
00:26:07.220 --> 00:26:09.100
with your spouse in a whole new way.
00:26:09.100 --> 00:26:11.240
Call or go online to request this powerful collection today
00:26:11.240 --> 00:26:15.000
With your gift of $120 or more.
00:26:15.000 --> 00:26:17.190
And as our thank you for supporting TBN,
00:26:17.190 --> 00:26:20.020
we will rush these incredible resources to you today.
00:26:20.020 --> 00:26:23.180
Call 800-626-7454 or visit tbn.org/strongmarriage.
00:26:23.180 --> 00:26:27.230
Call 800-626-7454 or visit tbn.org/strongmarriage.
00:26:27.230 --> 00:26:30.130
- Thanks for joining us on this journey of discovery.
00:26:34.170 --> 00:26:36.270
It's amazing how focusing on what's right
00:26:36.270 --> 00:26:39.190
in our relationships can strengthen marriage
00:26:39.190 --> 00:26:42.070
in ways we never thought possible.
00:26:42.070 --> 00:26:44.030
- Yeah, join us next time when we'll dig deeper
00:26:44.030 --> 00:26:46.140
into how operating in our strengths
00:26:46.140 --> 00:26:48.230
releases a chemical reaction in the brain
00:26:48.230 --> 00:26:51.090
that's a feel-good gift from God.
00:26:51.090 --> 00:26:53.240
Plus, we'll explore how you can operate
00:26:53.240 --> 00:26:56.030
more like a talent scout in your marriage,
00:26:56.030 --> 00:26:58.160
setting each of you free to put your talents to use
00:26:58.160 --> 00:27:02.080
in the areas where each of you are most gifted.
00:27:02.080 --> 00:27:05.150
God designed us to be different,
00:27:05.150 --> 00:27:07.020
and when we celebrate those differences we become stronger,
00:27:07.020 --> 00:27:10.090
more successful as a team.
00:27:10.090 --> 00:27:12.190
I can't wait to see what God reveals
00:27:12.190 --> 00:27:14.140
for all of us in our relationships
00:27:14.140 --> 00:27:16.130
in the next episode of Strengths Based Marriage.
00:27:16.130 --> 00:27:19.100
See you then.
00:27:19.100 --> 00:27:20.130

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Understanding Strengths

Understanding Strengths

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Understanding Strengths

Understanding Strengths

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