Andy Stanley - How To Start Repairing Broken Relationships (Part 1)

January 18, 2025 | S25:E4

Your Move with Andy Stanley — to help people make better decisions and live with fewer regrets.

#Relationships #Religion #Peopleinyourlife #inActive #Reconciliation #YourMovewithAndyStanley #AndyStanley #Regret #Brokenness #Restoration #Goals

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Your Move with Andy Stanley | Andy Stanley - How To Start Repairing Broken Relationships (Part 1) | January 18, 2025

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Andy stanley: hi everybody, welcome to "your move" where we
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Help you make better decisions and live with fewer regrets.
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I'm andy stanley, and i'll be your guide.
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Now, relationships if you think about it, relationships are
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A lot like cars, right?
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We are way better at starting them than fixing them when they
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Break and we think about it starting a relationship is
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Somewhat intuitive, but have you ever tried to fix
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A broken relationship?
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Maybe with a coworker or a friend or maybe even a parent.
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That is not intuitive and all this but there is a way to fix
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Broken relationships.
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And that's what we're talkin' about today
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Right here on "your move," stick around.
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♪♪♪
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Andy: so i'm 27, yeah, 27 years ago,
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I'm sitting in my dad's office
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At his church, it was just my dad, and there's two of us and
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A counselor again.
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And we're meeting with our counselor every week trying to
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Figure out how to fix our broken, damaged relationship.
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And the strange thing is if you can, you know, kinda put
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Yourself in our position for just a minute.
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We've spend our whole careers, telling people how to fix
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Broken, damaged relationships and now we had one and we're the
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Experts and we were stuck and we we're angry and we were hurt.
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And here's why: because he saw things his way and i saw things
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The right way.
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And i could not understand for the life of me why we weren't
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Making any progress, right?
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I mean, it was the simple, dad, if you will just see things my
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Way will be on our way, right?
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Now you laugh and the reason you laugh is because i what you're
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Thinking, you're thinking finally, someone understands me.
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Finally someone understands the situation and the circumstances
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I'm in as i try to navigate difficult relationships.
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If you think about your current fractured relationship or a
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Distant fractured relationship that's actually just been it's
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Been broken for a long, long time.
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It can be recent, distant can be family, work, a good friend and
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There's just been this weird thing and now, you know, it's
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Just awkward and you can tell you're drifting apart or maybe
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It's a brother or sister again, you know, a family member, but
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Isn't it true?
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I mean, isn't it true that if they would just see it your way
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Everything would be okay.
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So, since we all have that in common, i thought for the next
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Few weeks, we would address a question that i know that many
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Of you have been asking maybe for many, many years.
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And the question is what's wrong with these people?
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Because until they see things your way, which is the right
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Way, they're just holding up progress, they're just making it
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Awkward for your family.
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Nobody can move forward, the family's in turmoil, it's ruined
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One thanksgiving or two or three, it's about to ruin
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Another one or christmas.
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And again, if they would just see things your way things will
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Be okay.
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And so for the next few weeks, we're gonna talk about how to
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Get them to see things your way.
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I wanna just jump right in because this is a little
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Bit complicated.
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To get people to see things your way and--this is the bonus--
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And to get them to apologize, you have to--i know--you're
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Just relieved.
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This why you're laughing.
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Finally somebody's getting you to talk about something
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Practical up here.
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You're gonna have to master the tools for
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Relationship management.
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And this is important to remember: remember, people need
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To be managed.
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So i came up with what i call "the c4 approach to
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Relationship management."
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Now, c4 is also a common variety plastic explosive--that is
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Completely coincidental.
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Okay, "the c4 approach to relationship management."
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This approach, the perception of this approach is that it brings
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People together, but in reality, it's not bringing people
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Together, it's bringing people towards you so they can see the
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World the way that you.
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Do and they're never even gonna know it's happening.
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Now there are four components to this is why it's called "the c4
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Approach to relationship management" and here they are.
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I'm going to give them to you upfront and we're gonna talk
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About one every week.
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I'm convince, convict, coerce, control.
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Convinced, convict.
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I'll start with c and make this simple.
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Convinced we're gonna master these.
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Convince, convict, coerce, control.
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So we're gonna take each one of these over the next four weeks
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And kinda tease it out and i'm gonna teach you how to
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Master this.
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Now if you have or if you're harboring any doubts regarding
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The effectiveness of this approach to relationships just
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Consider how effective this has been and bringing our
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Nation together.
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I know, right?
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Because after all you respond and i respond, we all respond
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Well to being convinced of things and convicted of things,
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Shaming and coercing and being controlled, right?
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I'm mean don't these just help draw you closer to the people
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Around you?
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I mean, don't we all know this is the way forward?
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No, of course it's not.
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Didn't work on you doesn't work on me.
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It doesn't work on anybody but here's the odd thing, the
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Strange thing.
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This is why we're gonna talk about it for a few weeks.
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The strange thing is even though you look at that and you go,
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Yeah that, that's not the way forward.
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In spite of all, that these are the things we almost always
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Reach for first either intentionally or as we're gonna
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See even unintentionally.
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We reach for them first and they make things worse.
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Nothing gets resolved, nothing gets settled, and then you tell
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Yourself, well, there's nothing i can do about it.
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I tried and besides that, you know what, i just don't
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Even care.
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I just don't even care.
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Or, we just keep pressing, pressing, pressing, and pressing
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And tryin' to fix the relationship the wrong way,
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Which means things continue to go wrong and we end up pushing
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People even further away.
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Now the odd thing about this is on the surface, it doesn't seem
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Like it should be that difficult to fix a relationship, does it?
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I mean, it just seems like we should just be able to do this,
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But it is difficult.
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And that's why i decided we really do need to talk about it.
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So i'm gonna give you suggest four decisions that you have to
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Make to pave the way toward reconciling with another person.
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Just four decisions that you have to make to reconcile with
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Other people.
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We're going to talk about the first one next time.
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Today's kind of an introduction and a set up for the
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Entire series.
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And the best way to understand why this is not intuitive is to
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Think about your car, okay?
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We're better at starting our cars and even driving our cars
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Then repairing our cars, right?
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You can start it, you can drive it, but when something goes
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Wrong, you really don't know what to do.
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And the same thing is true when it comes to relationship.
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That starting a relationship is somewhat intuitive, managing our
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You know navigating a relationship is somewhat
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Intuitive, but fixing a relationship fixing one isn't
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Only not intuitive, it is the opposite of intuitive.
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Again, everything we reach for initially is generally the
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Wrong thing.
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Our initial moves are almost always the wrong moves and while
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We know, this is what's so strange about this, while we
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Know that these four things don't work, we're not even aware
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Sometimes that we're using them.
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I want to give you two quick examples to kind of move
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Us forward.
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Here is a controlling statement that when you use it you are not
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Aware of the fact that you were tryin' to control the
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Other person.
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In, fact, we hear this statement and media all the time when
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People make apologies and it sounds a little odd when we
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Hear it.
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We don't know why and then we use it, but this is someone who
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In their mind is thinking, you know what?
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I'm tryin' to fix this relationship.
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I'm tryin' to repair this relationship.
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And so we say things like this i am sorry, if i offended you.
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I'm sorry, if i offend--i am moving in your direction.
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I'm tryin' to fix this relationship clearly there's
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Something wrong.
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I'm sorry if i offended you.
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Look how magnanimous of me i'm apologizing.
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But do you know what this actually communicates?
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What this communicates is you are too easily offended.
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That's what that says.
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I'm sorry, if i offended you.
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I didn't know i was offending you because well what i said
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Actually would not have offended most people.
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So you are less mature than and you are less dialed in than
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Most people.
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So, if i offended you--knowing that what i said wouldn't offend
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Most people--but if i offended you--a little pat on the head
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You know a little side hug--if i offended you, i am so sorry.
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And then we wonder why people are like, you know, i just feel
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So much better.
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You just insulted them and you didn't mean to but here's why,
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Because fixing and repairing or reassembling a relationship is
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Not intuitive.
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Here's another one.
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This is both convicting and coercive, somewhat passive
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Aggressive and we have all been guilty of this.
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If this does not feel on the other side of us what we think
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We're making people feel, and again our intentions are good,
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Our intentions are right, but repairing a relationship isn't
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Easy and it's not intuitive.
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I said i'm sorry.
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Why are you so upset?
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I said i'm sorry.
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I mean, i came your direction.
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I'm acknowledging that i did something wrong.
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I said i'm sorry.
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Why are you still upset?
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It should be fine.
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I'll translate it: i've done my part.
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You should be fine now.
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Since you're not find, clearly, something's wrong with you.
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You see, i did my part and you're not fine yet so clearly
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I'm the better person because i said i'm sorry, and you should
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Accept my apology, and we should be back to where we were before
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I insulted your parents.
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You know, we should be back to where we were before i, you
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Know, criticize you in front of your friends.
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We should be back to where we were before i said what i said
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Or did what i did.
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And we're not back to where we were and i've done my part.
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So what's wrong with you?
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But here's the thing resembling a broken relationship,
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Reassembling a broken relationship is a learned skill
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And most of us were never taught how to do this and many of us
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Have never even seen it modeled.
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Well, just think about some of you think about your parents.
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Your parents we're estranged from a brother or a sister or
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Maybe a dear friend they had this friend for years and years
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And years, and then something happened.
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And maybe growing up or even as an adult you hear your parents
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Talkin' about well, you know, this person and every time their
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Name comes up every time, you know, there's somethin' about
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Them surfaces you can tell it's just not good.
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And you've heard their side of the story and even when you hear
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Their side of the story and-- this isn't just true of your
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Parents, this is true of a lot of people--when we're on the
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Outside and we listen to what they are so upset about and we
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Listen to what divided these people that used to be close
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Especially family members, isn't it true that on the outside
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Looking in you think to yourself, listen, that's
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Just silly.
00:10:31.882 --> 00:10:33.317
I mean, that's just silly.
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Just call her.
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I mean, here's the--pick up your phone and call her.
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Look, just invite him to lunch.
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Hey look, why don't you two just go out with that other couple?
00:10:40.925 --> 00:10:43.961
I mean, why not from the outside looking in just fix it.
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Just reassemble it.
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Just reconcile.
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You don't want to let this thing go on and on and on and on and
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On, right?
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Because it leads again to the holiday avoidance dance, you
00:10:54.105 --> 00:10:56.207
Know, then somebody gets injured or somebody dies then there's
00:10:56.207 --> 00:11:01.345
A funeral.
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Or there's again, an accident and suddenly you find yourself
00:11:02.947 --> 00:11:07.518
In an environment, a very emotional environment--and i've
00:11:07.518 --> 00:11:10.855
Seen this so many times--and in that moment that thing that was
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So big, that was so consequential, that mountain
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Will never get over, that offense that i'll never be able
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To fully forgive, suddenly in the midst of tragedy, it gets
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Smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller.
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And in those moments do you know what people do?
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They do and they say what they should have done and what they
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Should've said a long time ago.
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And because they didn't do what they should have done or say,
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What they should've said, a long time ago, in some cases, they
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Missed out on years of relationship.
00:11:43.287 --> 00:11:46.924
And maybe you've had this experience or you've watched it
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Play out.
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And once, you know people, especially family members come
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Back together and kind of get over whatever it was, it appears
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So small and so inconsequential and they always walk away
00:11:57.268 --> 00:12:01.539
Thinking the same thing, why did it take so long for us to
00:12:01.539 --> 00:12:06.343
Repair, reconcile, or reassemble?
00:12:06.343 --> 00:12:10.614
That relationship--they spent months or in some cases years
00:12:10.614 --> 00:12:13.851
Just waiting, you know?
00:12:13.851 --> 00:12:16.554
Rehearsing, you know, i'll you know, let me tell you the story
00:12:16.554 --> 00:12:19.223
One more time, let me tell you this story one more time.
00:12:19.223 --> 00:12:20.825
Here's the narrative, here's why it's never gonna work out.
00:12:20.825 --> 00:12:23.360
Or simply avoiding.
00:12:23.360 --> 00:12:24.862
Now here's the thing this is very personal, it's very
00:12:26.130 --> 00:12:28.265
Emotional so i accept that and as we move toward, move through
00:12:28.265 --> 00:12:31.101
This content.
00:12:31.101 --> 00:12:32.436
Here's the thing.
00:12:32.436 --> 00:12:33.804
Waiting for the other person, this is what ends up happening,
00:12:33.804 --> 00:12:37.308
You end up waiting for the other person to do what you should do.
00:12:37.374 --> 00:12:42.713
And the reason you should do it is because you're the better
00:12:42.780 --> 00:12:45.783
Person, right?
00:12:45.783 --> 00:12:48.919
You're the--here's how i know you think you're the better
00:12:50.154 --> 00:12:51.789
Person, because when you rehearse those narratives about
00:12:51.789 --> 00:12:53.991
Why things are so bad, it's their fault.
00:12:53.991 --> 00:12:56.794
Well if it's their fault, you're the better person and the better
00:12:56.794 --> 00:13:00.197
Person should initiate reconciling the relationship.
00:13:00.197 --> 00:13:05.035
So back to my dad.
00:13:06.070 --> 00:13:07.638
So we're sitting there this is goin' on and on.
00:13:07.638 --> 00:13:09.139
So finally, i think i've told you this part of the
00:13:09.139 --> 00:13:11.175
Story before.
00:13:11.175 --> 00:13:12.543
So one afternoon it just so awkward.
00:13:12.543 --> 00:13:15.746
We're at a mexican restaurant, we hadn't ordered yet, we're
00:13:15.813 --> 00:13:18.349
Sitting there with chips and salsa.
00:13:18.349 --> 00:13:20.117
And literally we're not speaking to each other we are grown men.
00:13:20.117 --> 00:13:24.021
We are pastors.
00:13:24.021 --> 00:13:25.356
Were professional christians.
00:13:25.356 --> 00:13:26.724
We can't have a conversation.
00:13:26.724 --> 00:13:29.059
We are both so angry and so locked down and we both knew how
00:13:29.059 --> 00:13:32.596
Ridiculous it was, again because of how much time we spent with
00:13:32.596 --> 00:13:36.400
Other people and other couples and other people with difficult
00:13:36.400 --> 00:13:39.603
Family relationships.
00:13:39.603 --> 00:13:41.071
And then finally, my dad said-- and this is almost a direct
00:13:41.071 --> 00:13:43.474
Quote because i just never forget this moment--he finally
00:13:43.474 --> 00:13:47.144
Looked at me.
00:13:47.144 --> 00:13:48.512
And he said, "andy, we both know," because we're both
00:13:48.512 --> 00:13:51.715
Pastors, "we both know what happens to fathers and sons, who
00:13:51.715 --> 00:13:54.985
Go through something like this," and "i don't want that to happen
00:13:54.985 --> 00:13:58.455
To us."
00:13:58.455 --> 00:14:00.157
And i said, "me neither."
00:14:00.224 --> 00:14:03.427
The problem was it was happening to us.
00:14:03.494 --> 00:14:08.899
Now, we had an advantage or two.
00:14:08.966 --> 00:14:10.834
One advantage was we both wanted the same thing and we did not
00:14:10.901 --> 00:14:15.272
Want that to happen to us and both of us were willing to work
00:14:15.272 --> 00:14:18.776
At it, but i'm telling you even though both of us were willing
00:14:18.776 --> 00:14:21.145
To work at it it was so, so, so hard.
00:14:21.145 --> 00:14:26.216
Now it's so hard because this is not you know primarily this is
00:14:26.283 --> 00:14:31.088
What makes this so hard is primarily it's just such an
00:14:31.155 --> 00:14:33.457
Emotional thing.
00:14:33.457 --> 00:14:34.825
It's very emotional topic and it's why we just make excuses.
00:14:34.825 --> 00:14:42.499
Now before we move forward and to get practical, i want to set
00:14:42.499 --> 00:14:46.270
Expectations and what i'm about to say is going to sound like
00:14:46.270 --> 00:14:49.406
It's contradicting what i've already said, so i need you to
00:14:49.406 --> 00:14:51.442
Hang with me and if it feels contradictory to you, that's
00:14:51.442 --> 00:14:53.944
My fault.
00:14:53.944 --> 00:14:55.312
I've not explained it well, but this is so important.
00:14:55.312 --> 00:14:56.747
And if i explained this well this is gonna take some pressure
00:14:56.747 --> 00:14:59.984
Off and make the future a little bit clearer.
00:14:59.984 --> 00:15:03.754
As it relates to reassembling or repairing or restoring adult
00:15:03.821 --> 00:15:08.425
Relationships, not so much with kids this applies to kids, but
00:15:08.425 --> 00:15:11.261
When it comes to reestablishing, repairing adult relationships
00:15:11.261 --> 00:15:15.599
The goal isn't reconciliation.
00:15:15.599 --> 00:15:18.836
This is the part that's confusing.
00:15:18.836 --> 00:15:20.204
The goal isn't reconciliation because unlike a broken toy or a
00:15:21.505 --> 00:15:26.176
Broken dish or a broken iphone screen, when you think about a
00:15:26.176 --> 00:15:30.581
Broken object you have control over all the pieces and you have
00:15:30.581 --> 00:15:34.351
100% control over the entire process, but when it comes to
00:15:34.351 --> 00:15:38.222
Repairing relationships with other people, we don't have
00:15:38.222 --> 00:15:41.625
Access to all the pieces.
00:15:41.625 --> 00:15:44.695
So we work and we pray toward reconciliation, but
00:15:44.762 --> 00:15:49.033
Reconciliation can't be the goal.
00:15:49.033 --> 00:15:51.001
And here's why, here's just a little relational--maybe worth
00:15:51.001 --> 00:15:54.204
The price of admission.
00:15:54.204 --> 00:15:55.572
Never, ever set a goal for another adult.
00:15:55.572 --> 00:15:59.376
Never set a goal you can set goals for you, but you don't set
00:15:59.443 --> 00:16:03.414
Goals for other adults even adult family members because
00:16:03.414 --> 00:16:07.084
A goal is an agenda.
00:16:07.084 --> 00:16:09.186
I have a goal for you.
00:16:09.253 --> 00:16:10.621
I want you to do something or say something or accomplish
00:16:10.621 --> 00:16:13.190
Something so i have an agenda.
00:16:13.190 --> 00:16:14.725
So every time i'm with you, you know what i'm bring into
00:16:14.725 --> 00:16:16.660
The relationship?
00:16:16.660 --> 00:16:18.028
I'm bringing my agenda for you and agendas always, always,
00:16:18.028 --> 00:16:22.566
Always undermine or put a box around relationships.
00:16:22.566 --> 00:16:27.204
This is why your relationship with your boss is friendly is
00:16:27.204 --> 00:16:30.340
Everybody wants to get, there is an agenda.
00:16:30.340 --> 00:16:32.576
He or she hired you to do a job and you are friendly and they
00:16:32.576 --> 00:16:36.780
Are friendly, but you're probably not gonna be
00:16:36.780 --> 00:16:38.782
Lifelong friends.
00:16:38.782 --> 00:16:40.150
You're gonna get along or you're gonna be polite, but if there is
00:16:40.150 --> 00:16:42.352
An agenda with between you are in the room with you and another
00:16:42.352 --> 00:16:45.322
Person, it really is like having a third-party in the room.
00:16:45.322 --> 00:16:48.625
And agendas ensure, they ensure that broken relationships
00:16:48.625 --> 00:16:53.163
Stay broken.
00:16:53.163 --> 00:16:56.233
And this may explain why some of your efforts in the past to
00:16:56.233 --> 00:16:59.002
Restore repair relationship have failed.
00:16:59.002 --> 00:17:02.539
Just make it personal, do you enjoy people who have an agenda
00:17:02.606 --> 00:17:07.344
For you?
00:17:07.344 --> 00:17:08.712
No, because soon as they sit down, your guard is up.
00:17:08.712 --> 00:17:11.882
You know where this is going?
00:17:11.882 --> 00:17:13.217
Again, it's like a third-party, it's like a third person sitting
00:17:13.217 --> 00:17:15.953
At the table.
00:17:15.953 --> 00:17:17.287
Parents, this may explain your kids push back, your adult kids
00:17:17.287 --> 00:17:21.425
Push back, it makes plain why they check their watch when
00:17:21.425 --> 00:17:23.894
Their visiting with you.
00:17:23.894 --> 00:17:25.262
Do you enjoy people who you feel like are always evaluating and
00:17:25.262 --> 00:17:29.266
Judging you?
00:17:29.266 --> 00:17:30.634
No.
00:17:30.634 --> 00:17:31.969
So as we move through this series, we move this content,
00:17:31.969 --> 00:17:33.804
It's very important for you to understand what the goal is,
00:17:33.804 --> 00:17:37.107
What the win is.
00:17:37.107 --> 00:17:38.675
And the goal, here's the goal, here's what we're shooting for,
00:17:38.675 --> 00:17:41.044
This'll take a little pressure off, but it's also gonna put
00:17:41.044 --> 00:17:42.946
Some pressure on.
00:17:42.946 --> 00:17:44.314
The goal in reconciling, the goal in reassembling, the goal
00:17:44.314 --> 00:17:48.352
Is simply no regrets.
00:17:48.352 --> 00:17:51.755
It's knowing that you did everything you could do.
00:17:51.755 --> 00:17:55.692
It's knowing that we did everything we could do that we
00:17:55.692 --> 00:17:59.062
Open the door, that we put out the welcome mat, that we put
00:17:59.062 --> 00:18:02.766
Down the drawbridge, that we put down the weapons, that we
00:18:02.766 --> 00:18:06.603
Removed any unnecessary obstacles to reconnecting with
00:18:06.603 --> 00:18:11.842
That person.
00:18:11.842 --> 00:18:13.177
That essentially, we're gonna learn how to take the pressure
00:18:13.177 --> 00:18:16.480
Off to create space for them to move toward, which means--and
00:18:16.480 --> 00:18:21.985
This is kind of the bad, you know the negative side of
00:18:21.985 --> 00:18:24.054
That--which means no matter whose fault it was or whose
00:18:24.054 --> 00:18:27.691
Fault it is, no matter how much of the blame really sits on them
00:18:27.691 --> 00:18:31.929
Versus sits with you, you and i we always have a part in the
00:18:31.929 --> 00:18:37.267
Process of reconciliation.
00:18:37.267 --> 00:18:41.471
Which leads me to this question: why the world are we talking
00:18:41.471 --> 00:18:44.575
About this in church?
00:18:44.575 --> 00:18:46.743
And the answer is obviously, i have run out of topics.
00:18:46.743 --> 00:18:53.116
I figures you need to laugh about now into this message.
00:18:53.116 --> 00:18:55.719
Okay, now the reason we're talkin' about this--and this is
00:18:55.719 --> 00:18:58.055
So cool--and by the way, if you're not a christian or
00:18:58.055 --> 00:19:00.123
A religious person, this is gonna be super practical.
00:19:00.123 --> 00:19:02.960
There's going to be takeaways for everybody, but if you're not
00:19:02.960 --> 00:19:05.762
A religious person or a christian in particular this is
00:19:05.762 --> 00:19:08.565
Why as jesus followers, this isn't really optional for us.
00:19:08.565 --> 00:19:13.804
It's optional if you're not really, you know, you just pick
00:19:13.804 --> 00:19:16.139
And choose.
00:19:16.139 --> 00:19:17.507
Do what you want i don't have any authority.
00:19:17.507 --> 00:19:18.842
I can't tell you what to do.
00:19:18.842 --> 00:19:20.210
Nobody left me in charge of you, made me the boss of you, but if
00:19:20.210 --> 00:19:22.312
You're a jesus follower, not just to be a believer or a
00:19:22.312 --> 00:19:24.181
Christian, but somebody who wakes up every day and decides
00:19:24.181 --> 00:19:26.183
You know what, to the best of my ability i want to follow jesus,
00:19:26.183 --> 00:19:29.253
We don't really have any choice in the matter.
00:19:29.253 --> 00:19:34.191
Because reconciliation, this is so powerful, reconciliation is
00:19:34.191 --> 00:19:38.829
Actually the operative noun in the christian faith.
00:19:38.829 --> 00:19:42.766
And by reconciliation i simply mean restoring a relationship,
00:19:42.766 --> 00:19:46.670
Restoring a relationship.
00:19:46.670 --> 00:19:48.639
The story of our salvation, the story of redemption is a story
00:19:48.639 --> 00:19:52.776
Of reconciliation.
00:19:52.776 --> 00:19:54.278
That god reconciled members of this rebel race unto himself and
00:19:54.278 --> 00:19:59.383
Here's the kicker and here's the trick, and here's the oh, i
00:19:59.383 --> 00:20:02.052
Didn't think about that, your heavenly father was not content
00:20:02.052 --> 00:20:07.457
To simply forgive you.
00:20:07.457 --> 00:20:12.429
Forgiveness, and this is where we get tripped up, forgiveness
00:20:12.429 --> 00:20:15.832
Is only half the equation.
00:20:15.832 --> 00:20:18.802
I can forgive you and never make any attempt to reconcile with
00:20:18.802 --> 00:20:25.075
You, but reconciliation is the win.
00:20:25.075 --> 00:20:28.879
Reconciliation is the win in our relationship with god and
00:20:28.879 --> 00:20:32.015
Reconciliation is the win and our relationship with
00:20:32.015 --> 00:20:35.585
Each other.
00:20:35.585 --> 00:20:36.953
And according to jesus the two are related.
00:20:36.953 --> 00:20:40.757
When it comes to forgiveness, i hold all the cards.
00:20:40.757 --> 00:20:43.860
I get to make the decision.
00:20:43.860 --> 00:20:45.629
I'm going to forgive her.
00:20:45.629 --> 00:20:47.164
I'm going to forgive him.
00:20:47.164 --> 00:20:48.598
God forgave me.
00:20:48.598 --> 00:20:49.933
So i'm going to accept my forgiveness from god and i'm
00:20:49.933 --> 00:20:52.636
Gonna forgive other people.
00:20:52.636 --> 00:20:54.037
I hold all the cards.
00:20:54.037 --> 00:20:55.405
I control the outcome.
00:20:55.405 --> 00:20:56.873
I control the entire process.
00:20:56.873 --> 00:20:59.543
But reconciling with people is extraordinarily, extraordinarily
00:20:59.543 --> 00:21:03.613
Emotional sometimes and it's so extraordinarily inconvenient.
00:21:03.613 --> 00:21:07.484
And not only is it inconvenient, and we're gonna talk about this
00:21:07.484 --> 00:21:09.586
A little bit, sometimes unsafe and sometimes it's unwise, but
00:21:09.586 --> 00:21:14.791
Those are the exceptions.
00:21:14.791 --> 00:21:16.159
For the most part, it's just uncomfortable.
00:21:16.159 --> 00:21:20.163
So unfortunately, christianity has been reduced or was reduced
00:21:20.163 --> 00:21:25.168
To forgiveness.
00:21:25.168 --> 00:21:26.536
God forgives me.
00:21:26.536 --> 00:21:28.105
I forgive you.
00:21:28.105 --> 00:21:29.906
I'm good to go.
00:21:29.906 --> 00:21:31.975
But the problem with this version of christianity,
00:21:31.975 --> 00:21:34.411
It keeps us looking up.
00:21:34.411 --> 00:21:36.380
It doesn't force us to look around.
00:21:36.380 --> 00:21:40.384
And when you read the gospels, one thing is abundantly clear,
00:21:40.384 --> 00:21:43.520
And this is good news, this is the good news: your heavenly
00:21:43.520 --> 00:21:46.857
Father was not content to simply forgive you.
00:21:46.857 --> 00:21:52.763
That god's forgiveness--this so powerful--god's forgiveness was
00:21:52.763 --> 00:21:56.166
A means to an end.
00:21:56.166 --> 00:21:58.869
That god forgave to remove an obstacle to relationship.
00:21:58.935 --> 00:22:03.473
God forgave to remove an obstacle to reconciliation--the
00:22:03.473 --> 00:22:06.576
Obstacle of sin.
00:22:06.576 --> 00:22:07.911
But the end, the win, his reconciliation, a reassembled
00:22:07.911 --> 00:22:13.950
Relationship with your heavenly father.
00:22:13.950 --> 00:22:18.355
And then as we talk about all the time, at the end of his
00:22:18.355 --> 00:22:20.891
Ministry he gathered with his apostles for that last passover.
00:22:20.891 --> 00:22:23.794
He said, okay, here's your marching orders.
00:22:23.794 --> 00:22:26.396
You are to do for others as i've done for you.
00:22:26.396 --> 00:22:30.300
You are to love others as i have loved you.
00:22:30.300 --> 00:22:36.206
And i was not content to forgive you.
00:22:36.206 --> 00:22:39.943
I went the extra mile to reconcile a relationship
00:22:39.943 --> 00:22:45.615
With you.
00:22:45.615 --> 00:22:46.983
I want to close with just one verse today and this is
00:22:46.983 --> 00:22:49.119
Something the apostle paul wrote.
00:22:49.119 --> 00:22:50.454
And the apostle paul, goodness gracious, did he ever understand
00:22:50.454 --> 00:22:53.323
This, the apostle paul steps onto the pages of history as
00:22:53.323 --> 00:22:55.992
Someone who hates christians, who hates the church.
00:22:55.992 --> 00:22:58.295
He had christians arrested, tortured.
00:22:58.295 --> 00:23:01.665
Apparently, he had christians executed.
00:23:01.665 --> 00:23:03.834
He stood by watch stephen, the first christian martyr, be
00:23:03.834 --> 00:23:06.369
Stoned and he approved it, and then he went on the war path.
00:23:06.369 --> 00:23:09.906
So imagine what was in his conscience, imagine the guilt,
00:23:09.973 --> 00:23:13.510
And imagine the shame he carried when he became a jesus follower
00:23:13.510 --> 00:23:17.180
And he realized i did all of that and it was all wrong.
00:23:17.180 --> 00:23:20.317
It was all a sin.
00:23:20.317 --> 00:23:21.685
It was horrible.
00:23:21.685 --> 00:23:23.286
And yet god chose the apostle paul and reconciled the apostle
00:23:23.286 --> 00:23:27.791
Paul to himself.
00:23:27.791 --> 00:23:29.125
Paul understood forgiveness is just half the equation.
00:23:29.125 --> 00:23:32.362
My heavenly father, in spite of all my sin, did not stop with
00:23:32.362 --> 00:23:35.866
Forgiving me.
00:23:35.866 --> 00:23:37.434
He chose me, because he was able to have a relationship with me
00:23:37.434 --> 00:23:42.873
Because he remove the obstacles between himself and me.
00:23:42.873 --> 00:23:48.545
And then he wrote this, to all of us: "in your relationships
00:23:48.545 --> 00:23:54.985
With one another," which relationships?
00:23:54.985 --> 00:23:56.386
All of them.
00:23:56.920 --> 00:23:58.321
"in your relationships with one another," which relationships?
00:23:58.321 --> 00:24:00.690
All of 'em--the easy ones, the hard ones, the ones that are
00:24:00.690 --> 00:24:03.293
Busted, the ones that are, you know, hitting on all cylinders.
00:24:03.293 --> 00:24:06.630
In all your relationships with one another, what's he gonna
00:24:06.630 --> 00:24:09.733
Say, what do you want me to do?
00:24:09.733 --> 00:24:11.134
What could possibly and encapsulate or what could
00:24:11.134 --> 00:24:14.004
Possibly be so big and so broad is to be able to say it about
00:24:14.004 --> 00:24:17.674
Every single relationship?
00:24:17.674 --> 00:24:20.176
"in your relationships with one another," this is so powerful,
00:24:20.176 --> 00:24:23.213
"have the same mindset;" or in other words, think the same way,
00:24:23.213 --> 00:24:28.919
"as christ jesus," your lord.
00:24:28.919 --> 00:24:32.455
In all of your relationships, this is amazing, it's all
00:24:32.455 --> 00:24:35.091
Encompassing, it's so powerful, and all of your relationships i
00:24:35.091 --> 00:24:38.862
Want you to approach them the way your heavenly father
00:24:38.862 --> 00:24:42.732
Demonstrated his approach through how jesus
00:24:42.732 --> 00:24:45.869
Approached relationships.
00:24:45.869 --> 00:24:49.205
And what was jesus mindset when it came to relationships?
00:24:49.205 --> 00:24:52.876
Remember the the story?
00:24:52.876 --> 00:24:54.244
If you grew up in church, you've heard this and back even if you
00:24:54.244 --> 00:24:56.112
Didn't grow up in church, you probably heard this "the parable
00:24:56.112 --> 00:24:58.181
Of the hundred sheep," you know "the lost sheep" we call it?
00:24:58.181 --> 00:25:01.184
He said it was a shepherd's got a hundred sheep and this one
00:25:01.184 --> 00:25:03.053
Sheep wanders off, and the good shepherd leaves the 99 and goes
00:25:03.053 --> 00:25:07.657
After the one.
00:25:07.657 --> 00:25:09.125
The way we do it is, one sheep wanders off and we think to
00:25:09.125 --> 00:25:12.829
Ourself rogue sheep.
00:25:12.829 --> 00:25:15.532
If that sheep would like to rejoin the rest of the group of
00:25:15.532 --> 00:25:18.468
Sheep, we're easy to find, there's 99 of us.
00:25:18.468 --> 00:25:21.638
So we're just gonna go on about our business and when they get
00:25:21.638 --> 00:25:24.074
Their act together, hey, we will welcome them back into the fold,
00:25:24.074 --> 00:25:27.611
But i'm not gonna go lookin' for it.
00:25:27.611 --> 00:25:30.747
How did jesus approach relationships with people who
00:25:30.747 --> 00:25:34.417
Were offensive and who position themselves as enemies?
00:25:34.417 --> 00:25:38.254
This drove religious leaders crazy.
00:25:38.254 --> 00:25:40.056
The religious leaders couldn't understand jesus.
00:25:40.056 --> 00:25:41.725
And they would say, jesus, why do you move in their direction?
00:25:41.725 --> 00:25:46.296
You should just preach and then when they repent of their sin
00:25:46.296 --> 00:25:50.333
Then they will move in your direction.
00:25:50.333 --> 00:25:52.969
And he could have said, because i have come to do the will of my
00:25:52.969 --> 00:25:56.506
Father in heaven.
00:25:56.506 --> 00:25:58.074
And this is my heavenly father's approach.
00:25:58.074 --> 00:26:00.910
The people who are sinful and offensive and our outside the
00:26:00.910 --> 00:26:04.881
Circle of fellowship.
00:26:04.881 --> 00:26:07.617
But here's what he--he actually said he said to the pharisees on
00:26:07.617 --> 00:26:10.720
One occasion, "jesus answered them and said, 'it's not the
00:26:10.720 --> 00:26:13.189
Healthy who need a doctor."'
00:26:13.189 --> 00:26:15.659
It's not the healthy who need a doctor and i'm a doctor.
00:26:15.659 --> 00:26:18.628
"it's not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick."
00:26:18.628 --> 00:26:21.765
But jesus said i didn't come for the people who got
00:26:21.765 --> 00:26:25.101
It altogether.
00:26:25.101 --> 00:26:26.436
I came for the people who have broken their relationship with
00:26:26.436 --> 00:26:29.806
Their father in heaven.
00:26:29.806 --> 00:26:31.174
I've not come to call the righteous, i've not come to call
00:26:31.174 --> 00:26:36.379
On the righteous, i've not come to move toward the righteous,
00:26:36.379 --> 00:26:41.885
But i've come to call "sinners to repentance."
00:26:41.885 --> 00:26:44.988
And i can't do that from a distance.
00:26:46.556 --> 00:26:50.226
We're almost done.
00:26:51.227 --> 00:26:52.562
Jesus says, i can forgive from a distance, but i can't reconcile
00:26:52.562 --> 00:27:00.036
From a distance.
00:27:00.036 --> 00:27:01.805
Reconciliation, reassembling, requires proximity.
00:27:01.805 --> 00:27:07.343
It requires us moving toward the unreconciled.
00:27:07.343 --> 00:27:14.184
And if we choose to follow jesus, this is what we will do.
00:27:14.184 --> 00:27:22.192
We will move and we will remove every single obstacle possible
00:27:22.192 --> 00:27:27.564
Because the goal isn't reconciliation.
00:27:27.564 --> 00:27:29.365
That's beyond our control.
00:27:29.365 --> 00:27:31.334
The goal the goal is no regrets.
00:27:31.334 --> 00:27:36.039
The goal is to remove every single obstacle we can remove
00:27:36.106 --> 00:27:40.176
Which paves the way toward what hopefully ends
00:27:40.176 --> 00:27:45.715
With reconciliation.
00:27:45.715 --> 00:27:47.684
Andy: well, thanks so much for watching.
00:27:47.751 --> 00:27:49.085
And as a special thank you, we've developed
00:27:49.085 --> 00:27:50.754
Some resources with you in mind.
00:27:50.754 --> 00:27:52.522
And the best part is they're absolutely free,
00:27:52.522 --> 00:27:54.724
Just go to the website at the bottom of your screen,
00:27:54.724 --> 00:27:56.926
And you'll find tools for deepening your faith,
00:27:56.926 --> 00:27:59.129
Including study guides and a gratitude guide.
00:27:59.129 --> 00:28:01.498
Again, thanks so much for watching.
00:28:01.498 --> 00:28:02.999
And we will see you right back here next time
00:28:02.999 --> 00:28:04.801
On "your move."
00:28:04.801 --> 00:28:06.002
♪♪♪
00:28:06.002 --> 00:28:21.050
...
00:28:24.287 --> 00:28:29.010

Andy Stanley - How To Start Repairing Broken Relationships (Part 1)

January 18, 2025 | S25:E4

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