Better Together

The Dream of Motherhood | Better Together Episode 1162

May 5, 2026 | S8 E1162 | 50:59

Do you have dreams for your motherhood journey? Whether you are praying to be a mom, received unexpected news, or are blending a family—God is with you. When we surrender our plans to Him, the story He writes is greater than we can imagine. | TBN Prayer Line: 714-731-1000

#Mother #Purpose #TrustGod #Family #Children #WaitingonGod #Surrender #Parenting #Freedom #Peace #Single #Doubt #Guilt #Pregnancy #Control #Relationships #Stress #Encouragement #LaurieCrouch #HollyWagner #DeeDeeFreeman #DebraFileta

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Better Together | The Dream of Motherhood | Better Together Episode 1162 | May 5, 2026

Laurie crouch: god already knows your hopes and dreams for your
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Child, but his plans are far greater, and we get to rest in
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The arms of the one who holds the future.
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Come on, let's talk about it.
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[music]
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Elyse mahan: i am, like we've said, the newest mum amongst us.
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Holly wagner: congratulations, cheers.
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Elyse: thank you so much.
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So i have all the questions, but i think one thing that we would
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All say is that every piece of motherhood just looks different
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To what you thought it would look like.
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I'm a stepmom to two girls, and then last year got pregnant, but
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I remember when it was time to give birth to laker, and we had
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To give birth a few weeks before i was getting induced, because i
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Am known as a geriatric pregnancy, advanced maternal age
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Over here, which i thought was aggressive.
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But when i got induced, it didn't work the first two times,
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So i had to be induced three times, to which my body was
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Like, oh, you wanted contractions, i got you, and
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Then i contracted non-stop for 48 hours, and i had no breaks,
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And it was like i am making every nurse like pray over me.
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And if you've had extended contractions, like the first ten
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Hours are, you're still glowing, like you're still texting
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Everyone being like it's baby day.
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And then 24 hours you're like breathing a lot more quietly and
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Focused, like a congested accordion.
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And then by 36 i was for sure bargaining with god, with like
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Promises that he knew i wasn't gonna keep, you know?
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But by 48 hours i was just, i don't know, like a "true crime"
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Podcast with eve in the garden of eden.
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Like it wasn't a devotional anymore.
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I was like this is an investigation, what happened?
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Because this is not okay.
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Deedee freeman: the first inductions probably kicked in
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With that third one.
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Elyse: they all came just like a domino effect, and my doctor
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Came in, and she all of a sudden realized that like i hadn't even
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Dilated, and so she was like, okay, we're gonna figure out
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What to do here.
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And so in between all of this, my beautiful, kind christian
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Husband is praying over me, he's massaging me, he's got worship
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Music on, and then at one point he's like let's put the tv on,
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Because you need a distraction.
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And i am sitting on a birthing cube, inflatable birthing cube
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Of like a house of pain, basically is what i would refer
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To it as.
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And so i'm sitting on top of this hospital bed, on top of a
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Birthing cube, swollen beyond recognition, contracting like
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Crazy with two grape popsicles in my hand, 'cause it's all i
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Could eat at that point, and my husband turns the tv on, and he
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Puts tbn on, and "better together" is on, and it's not
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Just "better together," it's me on "better together" with a full
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Face of makeup on, so calm.
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Laurie: who is that woman?
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Elyse: with a waistline, i have a waistline in it, and i am
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Looking at the camera talking about getting through
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Difficult times.
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Me on the other end of it was like, you didn't explain that i
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Would be 48 hours into labor with grape popsicles as my food
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Choice, regretting every decision i've ever made in my
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Life trying to get this baby out.
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What are you talking about?
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This is not what i thought this would look like, and i had this
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Moment of like where did that girl go?
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Like, what happened to her?
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She was still in there somewhere, and she's back, but
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In those moments where we go motherhood.
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Deedee: that's good.
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Elyse: it just looks very different to what i thought it
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Would look like.
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I didn't just have to surrender literally in that room, and we
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Ended up getting a, caesarean, and baby came out anyway and
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Everyone has a different labor story, but from the very start
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Of motherhood, you have to give up control, and that's really
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Hard for me.
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And it even goes back before i had laker to when i prayed for
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Kids, and i was like, god, is this ever gonna be my story?
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I was divorced and then single again for seven years before i
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Met my husband, and every single year i would pray, god, i could
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Have a baby by now, i could have a 3 year old, i could--when
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Will this happen?
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And i always thought that surrender to god's plan with
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Motherhood happened before the baby, but i just didn't realize
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It also happens once once you get child, once you are a mum,
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And it made me see the story of hannah so differently.
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The story of hannah in 1 samuel at the very beginning of it
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Where she's barren, and i just think all of the examples in the
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Bible of how close god is to women that can't conceive.
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There are so many examples of that in here.
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It just shows the heart of god for women who want a child and
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Are in the middle of that prayer request.
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And so, when we were praying for that, i went and saw hannah, and
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She comes to the temple, and she's in the synagogue, she's
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Praying, and she's pouring her heart out to god so much so that
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The priest thinks she's drunk, which is a whole thing, and she
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Leaves, and she surrenders it to god.
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But she doesn't just do that, because then the next year she
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Comes back with her child, and she does the things she
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Promised, which is very different to me in labor
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Promising god, like, i can give you this child, and then i have
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Him, and i'm like, no, no, you can't.
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But once she has the promise, that's when she surrenders him.
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Once you get the thing, not before it.
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And so for me in this season of not just navigating daughters
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That i didn't birth, having to surrender them, but also with
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Laker now, my son, i am every day faced with now that you have
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The promise.
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Can you surrender them back to me?
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She didn't surrender nothing, and i often think i'm really
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Good at surrendering to god when i don't have anything in my
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Hands, but maybe that's just begging.
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But when i have the promise, even if what i have in my hands
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Is the idea of what i think it should look like, what i think
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Should be the outcome for it, and then god does it a whole
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Different way, like not giving me a child that i birthed first,
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Being a stepmom to these beautiful girls, i've had to
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Surrender so many ways, not just before i got them, but now once
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I have them, god, i release control as if i had it anyway.
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But i'm finding it so difficult, especially with what i thought
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It would look like, and i know there are so many women, people
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That are watching this right now whose journey in motherhood has
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Not looked like what they thought it would look like.
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Whether they've been praying for years and have yet to be able to
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Conceive, or they are on an adoption journey with kids that
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They didn't birth or are a foster mum, or they're a
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Spiritual mum.
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Holly's been a spiritual mum to me.
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They have these children that they didn't raise or they didn't
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Birth or they're unable to conceive, or if they are mothers
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Who are having to let go of control of their child's path,
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Because their kid has gone on a siri rerouting direction that
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They never saw coming.
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What do we do in those moments where we know the only option is
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Just to hand over control?
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Deedee: surrendering is so liberating.
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You do not have to be in control.
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When you can say, god, i surrender it all unto you, and
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You don't have to figure it out, you don't have to be the one
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That comes up with the answer, listen, that is so much liberty.
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So just surrender to god today and allow him to lead and direct
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You into all truth.
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Elyse: i would love to hear from you women, for me personally
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Even, the wisdom that you have experienced through life
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Experience on those moments where you just had to surrender
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Control 'cause it wasn't what you thought it would look like
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And where god met you in that.
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Deedee: that was good.
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I know for sure i had to surrender control, because i
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Like taking control.
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I like, you know, turning situations out into my favor,
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But that was powerful what you said when you were just telling
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The story about hannah, how, you know, she offered her son back
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To the priest.
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You know, we make those promises to god.
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God, i'm gonna dedicate this baby unto you, but at the same
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Time we walk away, and we don't even acknowledge god.
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It's like let me just raise them the way that i wanna raise them,
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But that was one of the things that i had to surrender, and i
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Learned as my children started to grow up that influence was
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Greater than control.
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Control only lasts as long as they can see you, right?
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But influence will go with them when they're not in your
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Presence, and so i started to develop a relationship with
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My children.
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I understand about being a mom, being a parent, and knowing how
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To have those boundaries, but i also wanted a relationship with
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Them so i could talk to them about anything.
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Because, you know, we have these children.
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It's so funny.
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I just had this thought.
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It's like you don't know them.
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I mean, you have to develop a relationship with them.
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Debra fileta: they're strangers.
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Deedee: they're strangers, like who are you?
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Elyse: when you think you know them, then they move into a
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Space, and you have to relearn them.
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Deedee: right, and just like debra said, we're growing too.
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It's like who we were yesterday is not who i was when i had you,
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And so we're always changing and evolving, and so we're always
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Learning, you know, one another, and that's one of the things
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That i wanted to do is to have a relationship with my children so
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We could evolve together, so we could grow together.
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I didn't wanna grow out of a relationship, you know, with my
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Children, and that's one of the things that i'm honored, really,
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That i have today, that, i mean, my husband would tell me, oh,
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They'll talk to you.
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I'm like they'll talk to you, too, you just gotta listen,
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Because, you know, when you learn 'em, and you know, you can
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Almost get whatever you want out of them, you know?
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Laurie: you know, i looked up the word surrender, and when
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It's used as a verb it's defined as to give oneself up as into
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The power of another.
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So we think surrender is something being taken from us,
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And we gotta surrender, that something's taken.
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It's not, it's actually inviting the power of another to help us.
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You know, and so i think if we can change, wouldn't we
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Surrender up everything?
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Holly: right?
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Laurie: wouldn't we just give it all to god in his power and in
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His control.
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Holly: he's far more capable.
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Laurie: when jesus says take up your cross and follow me, it's
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Surrendering my life.
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I get to experience god now and surrender into his power, so i
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Think if we just change our minds about surrender and
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Surrendering up our will for his, we get his power instead of
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Our menial do nothing, can do nothing in our own selves, we
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Get his power when we surrender everything.
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So i think just that mind, that perspective, reframe of i want
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To surrender now everything in my life to another power, which
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Is jesus christ, holy spirit.
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Debra: i'm making it better.
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Laurie: i'm making it better.
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Isn't that beautiful?
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Debra: so beautiful.
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Laurie: yeah, now the word surrender is easy, right?
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God, i just cast all my care.
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I wanna surrender it all to you, all the things that trouble me,
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All the things that feel wrong in my life, i just wanna give it
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To you now.
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It changes everything about the way we think.
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Holly: you know, sometimes when we think of the word
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Surrender, right?
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We think of, oh, hands up, surrender, like we're giving up
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Something that we don't want to give up.
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And i think surrender is such a beautiful word.
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It's actually yielding something to someone.
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And in our case, surrendering to god whatever it is, whether it's
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A career, a child, you know, that surrendering means we're
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Giving it to him, and his hands are bigger, he's more powerful,
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He knows what to do.
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And so i think the more we're in the posture of surrender, then
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When we become a parent, then that's an easy thing to do.
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It's much easier.
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I don't think i was there in the beginning of when i first, you
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Know, had my son.
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I think i was kind of holding on to control, but i think the more
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I learned to surrender the hard things, just surrender his life
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To god, it made it much simpler and smoother.
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So, i just want to encourage you to practice that now.
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And it's not like this terrified surrender, it's a yield, it's an
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Open-handed you know better, god.
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So, here's my son, here's my daughter, here's my career,
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Here's my marriage, surrender it.
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It just--it'll make it so much easier.
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[music]
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Elyse: if you're anything like me in a blended family, you
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Might be trying to look for resources, trying to look for a
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Spiritual wisdom or encouragement, and it kind of
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Seems right, like there's not a lot to be found, and i think
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That's because we might be writing it right now.
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We actually might be in the world that god is helping us
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Live this out first, so i think the first piece of encouragement
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That i would give is it's okay.
00:13:46.404 --> 00:13:49.073
It's okay that you don't know the answer, that there isn't a
00:13:49.073 --> 00:13:52.677
Good answer when they ask you questions, when you don't know
00:13:52.677 --> 00:13:55.947
How to handle something, or when that voice in your head says you
00:13:55.947 --> 00:13:59.717
Can't possibly be the right one for the task.
00:13:59.717 --> 00:14:02.687
That's a lie, that's shame.
00:14:02.687 --> 00:14:04.956
I think the biggest piece, though, of advice is not to try
00:14:04.956 --> 00:14:09.027
To change their past, but also take authority over the family
00:14:09.027 --> 00:14:13.665
That you're forming in the future.
00:14:13.665 --> 00:14:15.433
You can't change the past, so don't try to rewrite that
00:14:15.433 --> 00:14:17.735
Narrative, don't try to manipulate the story of the
00:14:17.735 --> 00:14:20.405
Blended family and how we got here.
00:14:20.405 --> 00:14:22.941
Tell the truth in an age-appropriate way that you
00:14:22.941 --> 00:14:26.110
Would be able to look back on without sometimes the negative
00:14:26.110 --> 00:14:29.747
Emotions we have in the moment, and you'd be proud of the answer
00:14:29.747 --> 00:14:32.016
You gave, but don't just also give up creating your family in
00:14:32.016 --> 00:14:36.554
The future, create new traditions.
00:14:36.554 --> 00:14:38.823
Decide to make memories together.
00:14:38.823 --> 00:14:40.658
You might not have been there for the early years, but guess
00:14:40.658 --> 00:14:43.027
What, god has chosen you to be there now, and he's chosen you
00:14:43.027 --> 00:14:46.831
To build the family that you're in right now.
00:14:46.831 --> 00:14:50.268
So some days i look on the history of our blended family,
00:14:50.268 --> 00:14:53.805
And i feel hopeless.
00:14:53.805 --> 00:14:55.540
I feel like, god, i don't know how you could ever do something
00:14:55.540 --> 00:14:58.076
With this, but then i remember that there was a moment where
00:14:58.076 --> 00:15:02.380
God said, "i'm gonna put them together," and i know he didn't
00:15:02.380 --> 00:15:04.649
Do that for no reason, and so if you find yourself today feeling
00:15:04.649 --> 00:15:07.385
Discouraged with your own blended family journey, i guess
00:15:07.385 --> 00:15:10.621
I just wanna remind you that i know you can't change the past,
00:15:10.621 --> 00:15:14.826
But you can make decisions moving forward that build your
00:15:14.826 --> 00:15:18.896
Own spiritual legacy for the little ones that you're
00:15:18.896 --> 00:15:21.666
Raising too.
00:15:21.666 --> 00:15:24.035
Holly: we are better together because of you.
00:15:24.102 --> 00:15:26.270
Elyse: connect with us on social media to ask a question, share a
00:15:26.270 --> 00:15:29.907
Prayer requests, and make friends with women from all
00:15:29.907 --> 00:15:33.277
Around the world.
00:15:33.277 --> 00:15:34.645
Holly: let's keep the conversation going.
00:15:34.645 --> 00:15:37.849
Female announcer: be the first to know all the latest "better
00:15:37.849 --> 00:15:40.118
Together" updates.
00:15:40.118 --> 00:15:42.353
Visit bettertogether.tv to sign up for our weekly emails and
00:15:42.353 --> 00:15:45.823
Never miss the latest news.
00:15:45.823 --> 00:15:48.993
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00:15:48.993 --> 00:15:49.661
[music]
00:15:49.995 --> 00:15:52.464
Elyse: i think that's why surrender can be so difficult is
00:15:52.464 --> 00:15:55.134
Because our definition of it is--
00:15:55.134 --> 00:15:58.404
Laurie: loss of control.
00:15:58.404 --> 00:16:00.005
Elyse: i'm throwing it out.
00:16:00.005 --> 00:16:01.507
If i give it up, then i'll never get it back, and you may never
00:16:01.507 --> 00:16:04.910
Get it back in the way that you wanted it back or the way that
00:16:04.910 --> 00:16:08.680
You thought you would get it, but every single time i look
00:16:08.680 --> 00:16:11.150
Back, and i've given something to god, i have never
00:16:11.150 --> 00:16:14.853
Been disappointed.
00:16:14.853 --> 00:16:16.188
I've actually never been disappointed, but when i--
00:16:16.188 --> 00:16:18.657
Holly: so, why do we resist it? as if our way is better.
00:16:18.657 --> 00:16:21.460
Elyse: as if we know better what we need, and yet every time i
00:16:21.460 --> 00:16:24.263
Have white knuckled control, not only have i been more anxious
00:16:24.263 --> 00:16:27.433
And had terrible sleep.
00:16:27.433 --> 00:16:28.834
Deedee: right.
00:16:28.834 --> 00:16:30.202
Elyse: but i've usually suffocated the thing anyway
00:16:30.202 --> 00:16:32.871
Because of the closed group.
00:16:32.871 --> 00:16:34.206
Holly: philip and i've been having this conversation lately
00:16:34.206 --> 00:16:35.641
Because my kids talk to me, so they have
00:16:35.641 --> 00:16:38.410
A very different relationship with me,
00:16:38.410 --> 00:16:40.779
And so it makes me think about when you get married, you
00:16:40.779 --> 00:16:45.417
Each come with your box of broken pieces and parts, right?
00:16:45.417 --> 00:16:48.854
And you're going to build this marriage with all the stuff that
00:16:48.854 --> 00:16:52.157
You bring.
00:16:52.157 --> 00:16:53.492
Well, it's the same parenting, like you're each bringing what
00:16:53.492 --> 00:16:56.028
You know to--
00:16:56.028 --> 00:16:57.763
Debra: or don't know.
00:16:57.763 --> 00:16:59.098
Holly: yeah, you're bringing your empty boxes, right?
00:16:59.098 --> 00:17:01.266
To build this parenting, and so you do it differently.
00:17:01.266 --> 00:17:04.002
So i think even navigating that as a couple has kind of been
00:17:04.002 --> 00:17:08.073
A dance.
00:17:08.073 --> 00:17:09.408
So it's not only navigating a marriage, but you're navigating
00:17:09.408 --> 00:17:11.844
The parenting, and so it's just been interesting.
00:17:11.844 --> 00:17:14.880
So, for me, now, my--you know, i have adult children, and we've
00:17:14.880 --> 00:17:18.016
Vacationed together.
00:17:18.016 --> 00:17:19.384
I love being with them, right?
00:17:19.384 --> 00:17:21.987
And that's the goal, right?
00:17:21.987 --> 00:17:23.956
Is that your adult children are your friends.
00:17:23.956 --> 00:17:27.593
I mean, my daughter's been calling me twice.
00:17:27.593 --> 00:17:29.561
I had to remind her i'm doing "better together" today.
00:17:29.561 --> 00:17:31.530
I'm not hearing a buzz.
00:17:31.530 --> 00:17:32.865
So, just, that's the goal.
00:17:32.865 --> 00:17:35.367
And so i think to, you know, your point, your point, it's
00:17:35.367 --> 00:17:38.770
Like letting go of the need to control every moment of their
00:17:38.770 --> 00:17:43.942
Life and work harder at just staying connected.
00:17:43.942 --> 00:17:49.114
So, one thing, and then you can throw all the wisdom in.
00:17:49.114 --> 00:17:51.583
But i just feel like so many times i had to have an answer
00:17:51.583 --> 00:17:53.752
For a situation right then.
00:17:53.752 --> 00:17:56.021
Deedee: yeah, me too.
00:17:56.021 --> 00:17:57.389
Holly: like, i need to have the answer right then.
00:17:57.389 --> 00:17:58.724
And i feel like now i do what i learned is i started pondering
00:17:58.724 --> 00:18:02.761
In my heart way more, like being slower to try to solve that
00:18:02.761 --> 00:18:07.699
Or answer that or come up with that,
00:18:07.699 --> 00:18:09.568
And i think that's helped the relationship.
00:18:09.568 --> 00:18:12.471
Deedee: it's freeing to you.
00:18:12.471 --> 00:18:13.939
Holly: it's freeing to me and to them.
00:18:13.939 --> 00:18:15.340
Deedee: yeah, of course, to them.
00:18:15.340 --> 00:18:16.875
You know, but it takes the the tension off to make you feel
00:18:16.875 --> 00:18:19.945
Like you have to know everything and you don't.
00:18:19.945 --> 00:18:22.881
I think the most freeing thing is to be able to say
00:18:22.881 --> 00:18:26.218
I just don't know.
00:18:26.218 --> 00:18:27.586
Holly: i don't know.
00:18:27.586 --> 00:18:28.921
Holly: we all want to control stuff.
00:18:28.921 --> 00:18:31.657
We just do, and i think acknowledging that is step one.
00:18:31.657 --> 00:18:35.594
But the reality is we can't control anything, not as far as
00:18:35.594 --> 00:18:40.365
People's lives.
00:18:40.365 --> 00:18:41.733
I can control perhaps the temperature i turn the oven
00:18:41.733 --> 00:18:43.769
On, right?
00:18:43.769 --> 00:18:45.137
But i can't control the outcome of someone's life.
00:18:45.137 --> 00:18:47.105
And so i think our job is to, to the best that we can, let go
00:18:47.105 --> 00:18:53.345
Of that.
00:18:53.345 --> 00:18:54.680
Do what i know to do, speak life over my kids, set the
00:18:54.680 --> 00:18:56.982
Appropriate boundaries, but then i have to let go of the control
00:18:56.982 --> 00:18:59.985
And trust god with the outcome, and that's the work.
00:18:59.985 --> 00:19:02.621
It's like trusting god.
00:19:02.621 --> 00:19:03.956
Honestly, he'll do it far better than i would anyway.
00:19:03.956 --> 00:19:06.625
So it's like trusting him with the outcome.
00:19:06.625 --> 00:19:09.728
Debra: the words that you said about surrender just really
00:19:09.728 --> 00:19:12.664
Speak to me in this season of life.
00:19:12.664 --> 00:19:15.000
I think the thing that i had to surrender as a mom, and still
00:19:15.000 --> 00:19:19.104
Am, is having a child with special needs.
00:19:19.104 --> 00:19:23.175
One of my boys was born with special needs, and it's been a
00:19:23.175 --> 00:19:28.213
Challenge in so many ways, because even when you think you
00:19:28.213 --> 00:19:33.785
Know what you're doing with the first, the second's a whole
00:19:33.785 --> 00:19:36.388
Different story, and then, you know, the third and the fourth,
00:19:36.388 --> 00:19:39.224
And then you throw in special needs into the mix, and it's
00:19:39.224 --> 00:19:42.227
Like this is not what i expected.
00:19:42.227 --> 00:19:45.664
And it's funny, because i'm a counselor, i'm a therapist.
00:19:45.664 --> 00:19:49.134
I work with families who have kids with special needs, but it
00:19:49.134 --> 00:19:54.206
Is a whole different ball game when it's your own.
00:19:54.206 --> 00:19:57.576
And i don't think people realize--people with typical
00:19:57.576 --> 00:20:01.246
Kids don't realize the toil, the labor behind the scenes when you
00:20:01.246 --> 00:20:08.353
Have a child with special needs, for them to be able to function
00:20:08.353 --> 00:20:11.857
At capacity outside your home.
00:20:11.857 --> 00:20:14.426
It's like, you know, if you would meet him, he would be
00:20:14.426 --> 00:20:17.696
Like, oh, he's such an amazing kid, but it's because of the
00:20:17.696 --> 00:20:22.034
Work and the labor nonstop behind the scenes.
00:20:22.034 --> 00:20:26.605
And that has been a learning curve and something of even just
00:20:26.605 --> 00:20:31.543
Thinking about the future, you know, and your hopes and dreams
00:20:31.543 --> 00:20:35.614
And the challenges that you're dealing with day in and day out.
00:20:35.614 --> 00:20:39.284
It's like, lord, where is this going to go?
00:20:39.284 --> 00:20:41.853
And i just--i love the word of like i'm surrendering it to a
00:20:41.853 --> 00:20:48.026
Higher power, a stronger power, a greater power, bigger hands to
00:20:48.026 --> 00:20:54.299
Sustain his future in ways that i can't control.
00:20:54.299 --> 00:20:59.338
And i think realizing that god has trusted us to parent these
00:20:59.338 --> 00:21:03.975
Children, but he hasn't asked us to make them succeed, to make
00:21:03.975 --> 00:21:11.550
Them follow him, to ma--that's his job.
00:21:11.550 --> 00:21:15.187
I have a limited capacity and a limited role as a mom, and i
00:21:15.187 --> 00:21:19.391
Have to remember that a huge part of this parenting journey
00:21:19.391 --> 00:21:24.129
Is his responsibility, god's responsibility.
00:21:24.129 --> 00:21:27.566
And that is such a better responsibility than to put it on
00:21:27.566 --> 00:21:32.337
My shoulders.
00:21:32.337 --> 00:21:34.573
Deedee: as a mom, surrendering daily is necessary.
00:21:34.573 --> 00:21:39.144
The bible says that we die daily, that we have to give our
00:21:39.144 --> 00:21:43.148
Body as a living sacrifice every day, not every other day, and i
00:21:43.148 --> 00:21:49.020
Promise you, the more you give it to god, the more you
00:21:49.020 --> 00:21:52.724
Relinquish ownership of that position.
00:21:52.724 --> 00:21:56.395
Your job is just to carry out what god has given you to
00:21:56.395 --> 00:22:00.098
Carry out.
00:22:00.098 --> 00:22:01.433
You don't have to make it happen for anyone, not for your
00:22:01.433 --> 00:22:04.336
Children, not for your family, not for anyone.
00:22:04.336 --> 00:22:07.572
All you have to do is be faithful to what god has called
00:22:07.572 --> 00:22:11.643
You to be faithful to.
00:22:11.643 --> 00:22:13.178
So, every day when you wake up, say, father, i thank you that i
00:22:13.178 --> 00:22:16.848
Can acknowledge you.
00:22:16.848 --> 00:22:18.183
I surrender to you, because i do not know the answers, but god,
00:22:18.183 --> 00:22:22.888
You do.
00:22:22.888 --> 00:22:24.256
Just give it to god.
00:22:24.256 --> 00:22:25.590
I promise you he will lead you.
00:22:25.590 --> 00:22:27.826
Holly: my sister also has a special needs daughter, and
00:22:27.826 --> 00:22:31.463
So--and she has six kids.
00:22:31.463 --> 00:22:32.798
So, and so how do you balance, then, one that needs a lot
00:22:32.798 --> 00:22:37.135
Of attention.
00:22:37.135 --> 00:22:38.503
Debra: so much attention.
00:22:38.503 --> 00:22:39.838
Holly: and direction, and then there's the gap because they're
00:22:39.838 --> 00:22:41.206
Not getting the attention because it has to go here.
00:22:41.206 --> 00:22:43.975
I mean, how do you manage that?
00:22:43.975 --> 00:22:46.178
Debra: honestly, we acknowledge it.
00:22:46.178 --> 00:22:48.346
We talk about it as a family, and we even talk about it with
00:22:48.346 --> 00:22:52.117
Him so that he understands.
00:22:52.117 --> 00:22:54.753
And he's very aware of his strengths and weaknesses.
00:22:54.753 --> 00:22:59.858
So we talk through it so that he's not feeling like the
00:22:59.858 --> 00:23:03.829
Oddball, because with special needs come special abilities.
00:23:03.829 --> 00:23:09.034
And so always maximizing and capitalizing that, but also
00:23:09.034 --> 00:23:12.270
Helping the other kids understand.
00:23:12.270 --> 00:23:14.406
And there has to be an extra level of intentionality with the
00:23:14.406 --> 00:23:18.944
Other kids who may not have special needs in that way, but
00:23:18.944 --> 00:23:23.215
They have their own special needs.
00:23:23.215 --> 00:23:25.550
Every child has special specific needs.
00:23:25.550 --> 00:23:30.055
And so just trying to be aware of that, of, okay, he might need
00:23:30.055 --> 00:23:33.492
X, y, and z, but what does she need?
00:23:33.492 --> 00:23:35.961
And one of our kids, of course, when you have that dynamic,
00:23:35.961 --> 00:23:39.130
There's always one kid in the mix who has less needs because
00:23:39.130 --> 00:23:42.968
Someone else has more needs and just reminding them that all of
00:23:42.968 --> 00:23:47.005
Their needs matter.
00:23:47.005 --> 00:23:49.040
But i mean, talk about surrender.
00:23:49.040 --> 00:23:51.076
It's like, lord, help us--
00:23:51.076 --> 00:23:53.778
Holly: fill the gap, or just--and fill the gap.
00:23:53.778 --> 00:23:55.413
It's like i can do this, and the need's here, you gotta--can you
00:23:55.413 --> 00:23:59.451
Fill the gap, right?
00:23:59.451 --> 00:24:00.785
Debra: exactly, here's what i can do,
00:24:00.785 --> 00:24:02.153
Here's what i can't do.
00:24:02.153 --> 00:24:03.488
Holly: right, so trusting him with he's the gap-filler.
00:24:03.488 --> 00:24:05.056
Deedee: i mean, do you ever have to deal with guilt in that
00:24:05.056 --> 00:24:08.093
Situation or in any situation?
00:24:08.093 --> 00:24:09.528
I mean, to have multiple kids, it's like, do you ever feel
00:24:09.528 --> 00:24:12.597
Guilty to give one more attention than, you know,
00:24:12.597 --> 00:24:15.967
The other?
00:24:15.967 --> 00:24:17.302
How do you deal with it?
00:24:17.302 --> 00:24:18.670
Debra: mom guilt is real, isn't it?
00:24:18.670 --> 00:24:20.005
But i have stopped listening to mom guilt.
00:24:20.005 --> 00:24:23.174
I think so much of it starts with what's going on inside my
00:24:23.174 --> 00:24:27.445
Mind, my personal health, my personal walk with the lord, my
00:24:27.445 --> 00:24:32.684
Personal journey of finding my identity in him.
00:24:32.684 --> 00:24:37.689
And also for me, it's remembering that guilt is never
00:24:37.689 --> 00:24:41.893
The voice of god.
00:24:41.893 --> 00:24:43.828
Never, never has been, never will be.
00:24:43.828 --> 00:24:47.098
It's the voice of the enemy.
00:24:47.098 --> 00:24:48.800
So i may hear guilt, and then i'm like, oh, now i recognize
00:24:48.800 --> 00:24:51.937
Guilt is never from god.
00:24:51.937 --> 00:24:53.738
Conviction might be, conviction is calling you to go higher.
00:24:53.738 --> 00:24:58.043
Guilt just takes you lower, you know?
00:24:58.043 --> 00:25:00.178
So i've kind of learned to recognize it fast.
00:25:00.178 --> 00:25:03.715
Laurie: i'm telling you i am a witness of the goodness of god
00:25:03.715 --> 00:25:07.185
In filling all the gaps in my life when i felt like a failure,
00:25:07.185 --> 00:25:11.656
When i felt like i wasn't stepping up to the plate.
00:25:11.656 --> 00:25:15.160
I'm telling you i was the worst homeschool mother on the planet.
00:25:15.160 --> 00:25:19.064
I actually forgot to do school so many times, because we were
00:25:19.064 --> 00:25:23.835
Busy doing other things, and i just--sometimes it just
00:25:23.835 --> 00:25:29.874
Tormented me.
00:25:29.874 --> 00:25:31.209
Sometimes during the middle of the night i was like going, oh,
00:25:31.209 --> 00:25:33.445
God, you've got to help me.
00:25:33.445 --> 00:25:35.447
I am a disaster here.
00:25:35.447 --> 00:25:37.115
You've got to fill in the gaps and help me raise my kids and
00:25:37.115 --> 00:25:42.187
Tutor my kids somehow, and you know what?
00:25:42.187 --> 00:25:46.891
I don't think i had to worry a minute, because god was right
00:25:46.891 --> 00:25:50.195
There with me.
00:25:50.195 --> 00:25:51.830
Elyse: the areas that i've had mum guilt, what i've had to
00:25:51.830 --> 00:25:55.100
Realize are gonna be different to the people around me.
00:25:55.100 --> 00:25:58.837
My mum guilt comes from things that are already rooted in
00:25:58.837 --> 00:26:01.172
Insecurity or already rooted in shame.
00:26:01.172 --> 00:26:03.341
Again, it goes back to the healthier that i am in my
00:26:03.341 --> 00:26:06.244
Identity and knowing who i am, the more that i can like not
00:26:06.244 --> 00:26:11.182
Have some of the mum guilt.
00:26:11.182 --> 00:26:13.151
So, for me, when laker was born, i didn't feel guilty about
00:26:13.151 --> 00:26:17.255
Needing to mix breast milk with formula, because that was what i
00:26:17.255 --> 00:26:22.861
Needed to do.
00:26:22.861 --> 00:26:24.229
I didn't grow up ever hearing other narratives about that, but
00:26:24.229 --> 00:26:27.132
Some of my friends have had a huge journey of feeling guilty
00:26:27.132 --> 00:26:30.035
For having to switch to formula or not being able to feed
00:26:30.035 --> 00:26:32.704
Their baby.
00:26:32.704 --> 00:26:34.039
But for me, it comes in the blended family of being
00:26:34.039 --> 00:26:35.807
A stepmum.
00:26:35.807 --> 00:26:37.175
That's where i came--because i've always struggled with
00:26:37.175 --> 00:26:39.678
Comparison, with comparing myself to somebody else, and so
00:26:39.678 --> 00:26:43.314
There is literally another mum.
00:26:43.314 --> 00:26:45.784
And so what i've had to journey in the mum guilt is that
00:26:45.784 --> 00:26:50.455
Self-talk of somebody else wouldn't do it like that, or you
00:26:50.455 --> 00:26:54.392
Messed up.
00:26:54.392 --> 00:26:55.760
See, you should--you're not--you shouldn't be here.
00:26:55.760 --> 00:26:57.095
This is not the role for you.
00:26:57.095 --> 00:26:58.463
And so i've had to actually continuously, and it is, i
00:26:58.463 --> 00:27:02.233
Think, a lifelong journey, at least it will be for me, maybe
00:27:02.233 --> 00:27:05.203
Other people not.
00:27:05.203 --> 00:27:06.571
For me, i'm gonna be for the rest of my life still getting
00:27:06.571 --> 00:27:09.274
Healthy in areas where i just feel vulnerable, and so it's
00:27:09.274 --> 00:27:16.181
That no, god has called me to do this.
00:27:16.181 --> 00:27:18.049
God has called, and the healthier i can get as a woman,
00:27:18.049 --> 00:27:21.419
As a daughter of god.
00:27:21.419 --> 00:27:23.221
I think that has helped me in the mum guilt-specific things.
00:27:23.221 --> 00:27:28.493
Debra: i think part of my mom guilt in the early years was
00:27:28.493 --> 00:27:33.465
Feeling like i needed to be filled but not feeling like i
00:27:33.465 --> 00:27:38.436
Should not focus on them, because they have so many needs,
00:27:38.436 --> 00:27:42.407
But i have needs too.
00:27:42.407 --> 00:27:44.275
And i think why i said my child number three is i think because
00:27:44.275 --> 00:27:48.179
At that point it's like, okay, i can't keep doing this, this is
00:27:48.179 --> 00:27:52.217
Not working, there's too many of them, and--
00:27:52.217 --> 00:27:55.053
Elyse: they're everywhere. debra: they're everywhere.
00:27:55.053 --> 00:27:57.055
And so learning to recognize my needs and allow the lord to fill
00:27:57.055 --> 00:28:02.594
Me up and not feel guilty, whether that means i do need
00:28:02.594 --> 00:28:05.897
Time to get away and be with the lord, i do need a
00:28:05.897 --> 00:28:09.234
Five-minute break.
00:28:09.234 --> 00:28:10.668
I do need to go get a drink of water.
00:28:10.668 --> 00:28:12.737
I do need to put on some headphones and worship music for
00:28:12.737 --> 00:28:15.874
A minute.
00:28:15.874 --> 00:28:17.242
I do need to schedule a lunch date with my friends and have my
00:28:17.242 --> 00:28:20.178
Husband watch the kids or a babysitter, and it's--not only
00:28:20.178 --> 00:28:23.948
Is it okay, it is necessary for me to be filled so that i can be
00:28:23.948 --> 00:28:29.354
A better mom.
00:28:29.354 --> 00:28:30.722
So maybe the guilt is almost a signal of, okay, don't ignore
00:28:30.722 --> 00:28:34.592
Your needs and do it in a healthy way.
00:28:34.592 --> 00:28:39.030
Laurie: the bible says, "come to me, all you who are weary and
00:28:39.030 --> 00:28:42.834
Heavy laden, and i will give you rest."
00:28:42.834 --> 00:28:47.572
I'm encouraging you today.
00:28:47.572 --> 00:28:49.474
If you feel weary, if you feel like, man, i'm just striving
00:28:49.474 --> 00:28:53.444
So hard.
00:28:53.444 --> 00:28:54.779
I'm trying to be the perfect mom.
00:28:54.779 --> 00:28:56.114
I'm trying to supply everything for my kids.
00:28:56.114 --> 00:28:58.316
I'm at the end of my rope.
00:28:58.316 --> 00:28:59.651
I'm going stir crazy.
00:28:59.651 --> 00:29:01.119
God is at the end of your rope.
00:29:01.119 --> 00:29:03.988
He's got sufficient supply for grace and strength for you.
00:29:03.988 --> 00:29:08.293
Motherhood is a partnership with god, and he will help you, and
00:29:08.293 --> 00:29:13.431
He will come alongside and strengthen you and give you an
00:29:13.431 --> 00:29:17.969
Anointing to raise your family, to raise those children.
00:29:17.969 --> 00:29:22.207
You are the perfect mom for your kid.
00:29:22.207 --> 00:29:25.410
Laurie: i think about jochebed, and that was moses's mother.
00:29:25.410 --> 00:29:30.448
And i think sometimes we find, i mean, i'm sure your mind is
00:29:30.448 --> 00:29:34.919
Concerned about the future, right?
00:29:34.919 --> 00:29:37.355
And so many people deal with with this and taking care of
00:29:37.355 --> 00:29:42.627
Children and then saying i'll probably have them all their
00:29:42.627 --> 00:29:46.531
Life, and then what happens when i'm gone?
00:29:46.531 --> 00:29:49.334
How are they, you know?
00:29:49.334 --> 00:29:50.668
I've got a precious friend that has two autistic daughters, and
00:29:50.668 --> 00:29:57.075
She lives with that.
00:29:57.075 --> 00:29:58.576
You know, they both need to be taken care of, and what about
00:29:58.576 --> 00:30:01.412
Their future?
00:30:01.412 --> 00:30:02.780
And i think worrying about that keeps us a lot of times from
00:30:02.780 --> 00:30:06.384
Living in the present.
00:30:06.384 --> 00:30:08.386
And i read from this lady that she said when jochebed--she
00:30:08.386 --> 00:30:14.759
Could not help her child.
00:30:14.759 --> 00:30:16.094
They were killing all the babies, and so put yourself in
00:30:16.094 --> 00:30:20.164
Her shoes.
00:30:20.164 --> 00:30:21.499
They're gonna come kill my baby, moses, and it was moses.
00:30:21.499 --> 00:30:25.570
And so i'm gonna put him in a basket, and i'm gonna cuddle him
00:30:25.570 --> 00:30:30.575
All up, and then i'm gonna send him down the river.
00:30:30.575 --> 00:30:33.578
And she said i have to daily say i'm putting my baby in
00:30:33.578 --> 00:30:38.883
The basket.
00:30:38.883 --> 00:30:40.218
God controls the river.
00:30:40.218 --> 00:30:43.054
God has a way of taking care of things.
00:30:43.054 --> 00:30:45.823
God has a way.
00:30:45.823 --> 00:30:47.191
That's our kind of our saying around here at "better
00:30:47.191 --> 00:30:48.526
Together," god has a way.
00:30:48.526 --> 00:30:49.894
And i think not being able to live in the present is a big
00:30:49.894 --> 00:30:54.265
Deal because of all the stress of it, the stress and the
00:30:54.265 --> 00:30:58.002
Anxiety of that.
00:30:58.002 --> 00:30:59.337
What do people do with that?
00:30:59.337 --> 00:31:01.105
Debra: they internalize it or externalize it.
00:31:01.105 --> 00:31:03.975
You know, it either starts to implode and cause everything
00:31:03.975 --> 00:31:08.746
From mental health issues to actual physical health issues,
00:31:08.746 --> 00:31:12.684
Or you explode, and it comes out in your marriage.
00:31:12.684 --> 00:31:17.755
It comes out towards your children, it comes out in
00:31:17.755 --> 00:31:20.558
Other ways.
00:31:20.558 --> 00:31:22.293
Debra: it's inevitable for us to feel stress as moms.
00:31:22.293 --> 00:31:25.296
It's part of being a mom.
00:31:25.296 --> 00:31:27.031
I think the problem, though, is when we let our stress go and
00:31:27.031 --> 00:31:30.702
Build and build and build until it gets to a ten out of ten, and
00:31:30.702 --> 00:31:35.340
Then we explode.
00:31:35.340 --> 00:31:37.008
But the important part is for us to take inventory
00:31:37.008 --> 00:31:40.345
Throughout the day.
00:31:40.345 --> 00:31:42.080
How do i feel? what do i need?
00:31:42.080 --> 00:31:44.482
Pause and take a moment.
00:31:44.482 --> 00:31:46.484
On a scale of zero to ten, where am i at?
00:31:46.484 --> 00:31:49.354
If you're a seven, eight, nine, it's time to respond to that.
00:31:49.354 --> 00:31:53.658
Maybe that means you need to take a walk, take a water break,
00:31:53.658 --> 00:31:57.929
Phone a friend, turn on some worship music, respond to your
00:31:57.929 --> 00:32:02.400
Stress levels throughout the day before they begin to take
00:32:02.400 --> 00:32:06.104
Control and take you to places that you didn't want to go.
00:32:06.104 --> 00:32:11.442
Holly: yeah, so, like, even using jochebed, that you just
00:32:11.442 --> 00:32:13.344
Said, so she put--i mean, like, we can't even picture
00:32:13.344 --> 00:32:16.714
That, right?
00:32:16.714 --> 00:32:18.049
Just like the visual picture of putting--
00:32:18.049 --> 00:32:20.918
Debra: and the emotions.
00:32:20.918 --> 00:32:22.286
Holly: no, just like all those emotions that come up and to do
00:32:22.286 --> 00:32:24.756
It, but what we didn't know was that god was
00:32:24.756 --> 00:32:28.092
Already at the other end.
00:32:28.092 --> 00:32:29.761
Laurie: on the other side.
00:32:29.761 --> 00:32:31.095
Holly: he's already there.
00:32:31.095 --> 00:32:32.430
And so he already has a way for jochebed to actually nurse her
00:32:32.430 --> 00:32:35.400
Baby, right?
00:32:35.400 --> 00:32:37.035
So she actually gets to be the one that takes care of her
00:32:37.035 --> 00:32:39.404
Own child.
00:32:39.404 --> 00:32:40.738
And so i feel like sometimes the reason we panic is because, and
00:32:40.738 --> 00:32:46.010
I'm speaking to my own self, is because we forget that god is in
00:32:46.010 --> 00:32:50.915
Our tomorrow.
00:32:50.915 --> 00:32:52.350
Like he's already present when laker is 13.
00:32:52.350 --> 00:32:55.753
Like he's already present in 5 years from now when brelyn has
00:32:55.753 --> 00:32:58.723
Teenagers, right?
00:32:58.723 --> 00:33:00.058
He's present there, he's present--
00:33:00.058 --> 00:33:01.759
Laurie: therefore.
00:33:01.759 --> 00:33:03.094
Holly: he's present with your son years in the future,
00:33:03.094 --> 00:33:05.830
He's present.
00:33:05.830 --> 00:33:07.198
And so we forget that, that he already is pulling that basket
00:33:07.198 --> 00:33:10.535
Out of the river.
00:33:10.535 --> 00:33:11.903
He's there, right?
00:33:11.903 --> 00:33:13.237
And so for me, i feel like that's--i've forgotten that
00:33:13.237 --> 00:33:15.973
Sometimes, because i can get so in the moment, which we need to
00:33:15.973 --> 00:33:19.444
Be to your point, present in the moment and at the same time
00:33:19.444 --> 00:33:23.381
Present, realizing that god is present in our tomorrow and in
00:33:23.381 --> 00:33:26.984
Our next year.
00:33:26.984 --> 00:33:28.319
And so i don't have to carry the weight of next year or how the
00:33:28.319 --> 00:33:30.888
Problem's going to get solved because i don't know how to
00:33:30.888 --> 00:33:33.057
Solve it.
00:33:33.057 --> 00:33:34.425
If i did, i'd have done it, but that's--
00:33:34.425 --> 00:33:35.760
Elyse: i mean, that scripture, take no thought about tomorrow,
00:33:35.760 --> 00:33:38.596
You know?
00:33:38.596 --> 00:33:39.931
And it's like we really have to be so present in the moment, but
00:33:39.931 --> 00:33:43.034
Raising our children in faith, it is impossible to do life and
00:33:43.034 --> 00:33:49.073
Be at peace and not be in faith.
00:33:49.073 --> 00:33:52.143
It really is impossible, because we're always gonna try to figure
00:33:52.143 --> 00:33:55.746
It out.
00:33:55.746 --> 00:33:57.115
Faith says it's already worked out, so if i enjoy this moment.
00:33:57.115 --> 00:33:59.951
I remember when my children were little, i always used to say,
00:33:59.951 --> 00:34:03.654
Mm, i cannot wait till they grow up, i cannot wait till they can
00:34:03.654 --> 00:34:07.625
Go in the kitchen, i cannot wait, until i had the last one,
00:34:07.625 --> 00:34:11.162
Then i knew it was my last one, i said, oh, i'm gonna enjoy
00:34:11.162 --> 00:34:15.133
Every phase of this.
00:34:15.133 --> 00:34:17.602
But that's what paul said.
00:34:17.602 --> 00:34:18.936
Paul says i've learned how to be content in whatever state
00:34:18.936 --> 00:34:22.440
I'm in.
00:34:22.440 --> 00:34:23.774
Contentment isn't that it's over, and i'm gonna settle
00:34:23.774 --> 00:34:26.477
For this.
00:34:26.477 --> 00:34:27.812
To me, contentment is i'm gonna enjoy this moment until i can
00:34:27.812 --> 00:34:31.816
See the next moment, you know?
00:34:31.816 --> 00:34:33.851
And we get so concerned about, you know, oh, what's gonna
00:34:33.851 --> 00:34:37.688
Happen tomorrow?
00:34:37.688 --> 00:34:39.023
I gotta do this, but that's how culture is, that's how
00:34:39.023 --> 00:34:41.959
Society is.
00:34:41.959 --> 00:34:43.327
It's like, you know, you better save something for a rainy day,
00:34:43.327 --> 00:34:46.197
And so we're taught that even as a young person, it's like put
00:34:46.197 --> 00:34:50.301
Your money away.
00:34:50.301 --> 00:34:51.636
So we equate that to everything else and like, ooh, i gotta
00:34:51.636 --> 00:34:55.206
Prepare for this day.
00:34:55.206 --> 00:34:56.574
I understand being prepared, don't get me wrong, i understand
00:34:56.574 --> 00:34:59.310
All of that, but we put so much attention on trying to control
00:34:59.310 --> 00:35:03.781
And dictate every moment that we can't be present, and we can't
00:35:03.781 --> 00:35:08.085
Enjoy those moments.
00:35:08.085 --> 00:35:09.453
It's like you miss so much time trying to figure it out when god
00:35:09.453 --> 00:35:13.791
Has already worked it out.
00:35:13.791 --> 00:35:15.793
[music]
00:35:15.793 --> 00:35:22.433
Holly: teenagers, that teenage years and the adults--
00:35:22.433 --> 00:35:26.871
Children years are are kind of no joke, and i think sometimes
00:35:26.871 --> 00:35:31.509
Because we notice or we know that the decisions that they
00:35:31.509 --> 00:35:36.280
Would make have such serious consequences, and so it can be
00:35:36.280 --> 00:35:40.117
Really challenging.
00:35:40.117 --> 00:35:41.786
So i just wanna encourage you, you know, some of you that are
00:35:41.786 --> 00:35:44.555
In that position right now and you're dealing with adult kids
00:35:44.555 --> 00:35:47.592
And teenage kids, and i just wanna encourage you that god is
00:35:47.592 --> 00:35:51.996
Actually in their tomorrow.
00:35:51.996 --> 00:35:53.898
He's got them in his hands.
00:35:53.898 --> 00:35:55.666
He loves them more than you do.
00:35:55.666 --> 00:35:57.702
And so do the work.
00:35:57.702 --> 00:36:00.104
I had to do the hard work of letting go of control as if i
00:36:00.104 --> 00:36:03.507
Had control anyway.
00:36:03.507 --> 00:36:05.276
That's just an illusion.
00:36:05.276 --> 00:36:06.611
Just like let go and actually you can trust god with them.
00:36:06.611 --> 00:36:10.348
Our job is to live a life that models what it is to be a woman
00:36:10.348 --> 00:36:14.919
Of faith, and so what it is to have faith in hard times, what
00:36:14.919 --> 00:36:18.189
It is to trust god.
00:36:18.189 --> 00:36:19.557
And so when we do that, that actually has more of an impact
00:36:19.557 --> 00:36:21.859
On them.
00:36:21.859 --> 00:36:23.194
And then for me, i think i had to do the work of just trying
00:36:23.194 --> 00:36:25.296
To keep a relationship.
00:36:25.296 --> 00:36:27.398
Just listen, try to understand them more than try to get my
00:36:27.398 --> 00:36:31.235
Point across, and that's hard, right?
00:36:31.235 --> 00:36:33.504
Especially if they're saying something ridiculous, but i
00:36:33.504 --> 00:36:36.007
Would just try to do the hard work of just listening, going,
00:36:36.007 --> 00:36:38.442
Hmm, tell me more about that, and inside i'm going that's the
00:36:38.442 --> 00:36:41.879
Craziest thing ever, but i don't say that, so i just try to
00:36:41.879 --> 00:36:45.549
Understand where they're coming from, because it keeps
00:36:45.549 --> 00:36:47.184
That relationship.
00:36:47.184 --> 00:36:50.121
Announcer: let's keep the conversation going.
00:36:50.121 --> 00:36:52.323
You can find the "better together" podcast on your
00:36:52.323 --> 00:36:54.692
Favorite listening platform.
00:36:54.692 --> 00:36:56.494
Subscribe today.
00:36:56.494 --> 00:37:00.992
Subscribe today.
00:37:00.992 --> 00:37:01.565
[music]
00:37:01.899 --> 00:37:04.268
Elyse: surrendering, when we're looking at that, it's not in the
00:37:04.268 --> 00:37:07.238
Areas we feel strong, 'cause that's easy.
00:37:07.238 --> 00:37:09.473
Like, i know god has been faithful in the past, and it's
00:37:09.473 --> 00:37:14.145
Easy for me to surrender areas of my life.
00:37:14.145 --> 00:37:17.515
The area that he's always asking us to surrender is the area
00:37:17.515 --> 00:37:20.451
Where we're like, but i don't know about this one.
00:37:20.451 --> 00:37:22.486
And i think we're talking about mothers, but i think
00:37:22.486 --> 00:37:25.656
About joshua.
00:37:25.656 --> 00:37:27.091
Joshua 1 when moses had died and god speaks to joshua and says
00:37:27.091 --> 00:37:31.696
Now it's your turn.
00:37:31.696 --> 00:37:33.030
You're the one that's leading the way, go and cross the
00:37:33.030 --> 00:37:35.132
Jordan, and he says so many times in like 11 verses, he says
00:37:35.132 --> 00:37:38.969
Be strong and very courageous, and it wasn't until recently
00:37:38.969 --> 00:37:42.006
That i realized, wait, why is he telling the war guy, the guy
00:37:42.006 --> 00:37:47.378
That fought all the battles, the one that moses was standing over
00:37:47.378 --> 00:37:50.214
Here telling him what to do, but joshua was the one with the
00:37:50.214 --> 00:37:52.283
Sword in his hand, why is he telling him to be strong
00:37:52.283 --> 00:37:55.019
And courageous?
00:37:55.019 --> 00:37:56.420
And then i realized it's because god's not asking him to fight,
00:37:56.420 --> 00:37:59.657
God's asking him to cross.
00:37:59.657 --> 00:38:01.392
And so maybe the areas we need to be strongest and most
00:38:01.392 --> 00:38:04.295
Courageous in are the areas of surrender.
00:38:04.295 --> 00:38:07.331
Maybe god wasn't telling him to be strong and courageous because
00:38:07.331 --> 00:38:09.567
He was gonna have to fight some battles because he knew how to
00:38:09.567 --> 00:38:11.602
Do that.
00:38:11.602 --> 00:38:12.937
Maybe he was telling him to be strong and courageous because
00:38:12.937 --> 00:38:14.438
I'm gonna ask you to do something that you have no idea
00:38:14.438 --> 00:38:16.874
How to do it, and i'm gonna need you to surrender the sword,
00:38:16.874 --> 00:38:20.077
Because that's not how we're doing it this time.
00:38:20.077 --> 00:38:22.012
And you don't have a staff, which is what moses had to part
00:38:22.012 --> 00:38:24.915
The red sea.
00:38:24.915 --> 00:38:26.283
You've got a jordan river, i know it looks the same, but what
00:38:26.283 --> 00:38:28.319
I'm asking you to do is going to be completely different.
00:38:28.319 --> 00:38:30.488
And i think about these areas where i have to surrender, it's
00:38:30.488 --> 00:38:33.824
Not the areas i know how to fight.
00:38:33.824 --> 00:38:36.127
It's the areas that i already feel a little bit of but i
00:38:36.127 --> 00:38:40.197
Don't know.
00:38:40.197 --> 00:38:41.565
I don't know how to do this.
00:38:41.565 --> 00:38:42.900
And i think those are the areas.
00:38:42.900 --> 00:38:45.336
Deedee: because that's typically what most people do.
00:38:45.336 --> 00:38:47.538
Oh, god, i'll give you, you know, this over here, because
00:38:47.538 --> 00:38:51.575
I've already worked this out.
00:38:51.575 --> 00:38:53.244
I know how to do that.
00:38:53.244 --> 00:38:55.246
Holly: i know how that's gonna end.
00:38:55.246 --> 00:38:56.614
Deedee: i know how that's gonna end, but i'm gonna hold on
00:38:56.614 --> 00:38:58.249
To this because i gotta figure this out.
00:38:58.249 --> 00:38:59.617
Once i work this out--it's like when people stop coming to
00:38:59.617 --> 00:39:02.420
Church, because typically when they're going through things,
00:39:02.420 --> 00:39:05.189
They don't wanna come to church, but when things are perfect, and
00:39:05.189 --> 00:39:08.492
They're on top, now i wanna come around people.
00:39:08.492 --> 00:39:11.028
I gotta work this out by myself right here, and then i'll
00:39:11.028 --> 00:39:13.631
Be back.
00:39:13.631 --> 00:39:14.965
Elyse: then once i have the testimony, let me come
00:39:14.965 --> 00:39:16.333
To church and tell it.
00:39:16.333 --> 00:39:17.668
Holly: don't you think that's just like so crazy?
00:39:17.668 --> 00:39:19.036
It's so opposite.
00:39:19.036 --> 00:39:20.671
Laurie: well, i think the big misconception and the big lie is
00:39:20.671 --> 00:39:23.441
That i can do it better than god, right?
00:39:23.441 --> 00:39:27.311
And so--
00:39:27.311 --> 00:39:28.679
Holly: it started way back in the garden.
00:39:28.679 --> 00:39:30.014
Laurie: i wanna keep--yeah, i wanna keep in control of this,
00:39:30.014 --> 00:39:31.949
Because god's keeping me away from something or he's holding
00:39:31.949 --> 00:39:36.253
Back on something, and i can just do this better, that's the
00:39:36.253 --> 00:39:39.723
Big lie.
00:39:39.723 --> 00:39:41.091
And think about god just saying, "i want you to be still and know
00:39:41.091 --> 00:39:44.595
That i'm god."
00:39:44.595 --> 00:39:45.930
That was the hardest thing for those--
00:39:45.930 --> 00:39:47.898
You think that the--the army's coming against us, they're
00:39:47.898 --> 00:39:52.269
Pursuing us.
00:39:52.269 --> 00:39:53.604
Deedee: you want me to be still?
00:39:53.604 --> 00:39:54.972
Laurie: and you want me to be still?
00:39:54.972 --> 00:39:56.307
That didn't look like the right time to be still.
00:39:56.307 --> 00:39:58.943
And god said, "stand still, i'm gonna show up, and i'm gonna
00:39:58.943 --> 00:40:02.847
Show out, because my way is better."
00:40:02.847 --> 00:40:05.449
So they had to surrender that and not run and flee, and god
00:40:05.449 --> 00:40:11.388
Fights those battles for you.
00:40:11.388 --> 00:40:13.123
God takes care of it so that-- so the whole thing i love what
00:40:13.123 --> 00:40:16.727
You've said about us being carefree, casting all of our
00:40:16.727 --> 00:40:20.731
Care, so if we could just stop worrying about things, take the
00:40:20.731 --> 00:40:26.904
Worries and the care and cast them to the lord, my children,
00:40:26.904 --> 00:40:30.875
My children's future and all that, surrender that up knowing
00:40:30.875 --> 00:40:34.712
That god is in their tomorrow.
00:40:34.712 --> 00:40:37.114
God is there tomorrow taking care--
00:40:37.114 --> 00:40:41.051
Holly: and his plan for them is better than mine.
00:40:41.051 --> 00:40:42.419
Laurie: and his plan is better than my plan.
00:40:42.419 --> 00:40:44.522
Elyse: i wish i could tell you that there was this one moment
00:40:44.522 --> 00:40:47.491
Where i was like, okay, god, you have control, i'm surrendering
00:40:47.491 --> 00:40:51.529
Everything when it comes to motherhood and how it's meant to
00:40:51.529 --> 00:40:53.464
Look, but maybe someone else is just better at this than i am,
00:40:53.464 --> 00:40:58.068
That's not my story.
00:40:58.068 --> 00:40:59.803
My story is that i had to keep surrendering it every single
00:40:59.803 --> 00:41:03.107
Day, and i still have to surrender what i think
00:41:03.107 --> 00:41:05.910
Motherhood is gonna look like every single day.
00:41:05.910 --> 00:41:09.547
But maybe that is what i've learned, is that surrender is
00:41:09.547 --> 00:41:12.883
Not a one-time process.
00:41:12.883 --> 00:41:14.952
It's that every single day, god, would you help me take the
00:41:14.952 --> 00:41:17.621
Weight that somehow in the last 24 hours i have seemed to put
00:41:17.621 --> 00:41:21.025
Back on my own shoulders?
00:41:21.025 --> 00:41:22.860
Or would you help me release control that i have been white
00:41:22.860 --> 00:41:25.262
Knuckling even after yesterday when i told you that i wasn't
00:41:25.262 --> 00:41:27.665
Gonna do that anymore.
00:41:27.665 --> 00:41:29.733
God, would you take that again?
00:41:29.733 --> 00:41:32.670
Reminding myself that i didn't create these children, that i am
00:41:32.670 --> 00:41:37.708
Stewarding them for him.
00:41:37.708 --> 00:41:40.811
Surrendering every day has helped me realize that i need
00:41:40.811 --> 00:41:43.914
Him every single day.
00:41:43.914 --> 00:41:46.684
So i think even the moments where the outcome didn't change
00:41:46.684 --> 00:41:50.287
Or the prayers that i'm still waiting to be answered, the act
00:41:50.287 --> 00:41:52.723
Of surrendering every single day, that actually has been the
00:41:52.723 --> 00:41:57.194
Biggest perspective changer for me.
00:41:57.194 --> 00:41:59.530
Because even when the outcome isn't what i want, even when
00:41:59.530 --> 00:42:02.800
Mothering looks different still to this day than i thought,
00:42:02.800 --> 00:42:07.071
Surrendering to him every day reminds myself that i'm not the
00:42:07.071 --> 00:42:11.976
One in control, and hold on, that's actually really
00:42:11.976 --> 00:42:16.013
Good news.
00:42:16.013 --> 00:42:17.615
Holly: because, like, also let me just throw out for free that
00:42:17.615 --> 00:42:20.451
Parenting adult children is no joke.
00:42:20.451 --> 00:42:23.287
Deedee: oh, no joke.
00:42:23.287 --> 00:42:24.655
Holly: it's no joke, because the consequences of behavior and
00:42:24.655 --> 00:42:27.958
Choices are so much bigger and decisions have a much far--more
00:42:27.958 --> 00:42:33.330
Reaching impact, and so--
00:42:33.330 --> 00:42:35.633
Laurie: you really don't have control.
00:42:35.633 --> 00:42:37.001
Holly: and you have no control, and basically you're just
00:42:37.001 --> 00:42:40.571
Available, you know?
00:42:40.571 --> 00:42:42.006
So i had to learn that i'm just available.
00:42:42.006 --> 00:42:45.376
Deedee: ear, you become an ear.
00:42:45.376 --> 00:42:48.379
Holly: you become the ear and doing the work of keeping the
00:42:48.379 --> 00:42:51.815
Relationship, right?
00:42:51.815 --> 00:42:53.150
Keeping the relationship, because it is no joke.
00:42:53.150 --> 00:42:55.285
So i've had to many times to practice what i'm just saying.
00:42:55.285 --> 00:42:58.022
It's like put that thing in the river and go, god, you know, you
00:42:58.022 --> 00:43:02.192
Got this.
00:43:02.192 --> 00:43:03.527
Elyse: and the discernment to know when to speak, because i
00:43:03.527 --> 00:43:06.296
Bet there are so many moments where you're like, oh, this is
00:43:06.296 --> 00:43:08.432
Bad, this is bad, this is bad, i should just tell them this is
00:43:08.432 --> 00:43:10.868
Bad so that they know, but if you were to do that in
00:43:10.868 --> 00:43:13.270
That moment--
00:43:13.270 --> 00:43:14.605
Deedee: it's not gonna be good.
00:43:14.605 --> 00:43:15.973
Elyse: it wouldn't be good.
00:43:15.973 --> 00:43:17.307
I even as we're looking at this idea of surrendering what
00:43:17.307 --> 00:43:19.309
Motherhood looks like, i can't help but think about before i
00:43:19.309 --> 00:43:22.346
Was a mum and was in the middle season of i'm not married
00:43:22.346 --> 00:43:28.218
Anymore but i used to be.
00:43:28.218 --> 00:43:30.054
I'm single again, but i don't wanna do apps, like i don't
00:43:30.054 --> 00:43:33.757
Wanna date again, because that feels so weird.
00:43:33.757 --> 00:43:36.894
And also this dream of building a family felt like it had never
00:43:36.894 --> 00:43:41.598
Been further away for me.
00:43:41.598 --> 00:43:43.634
And every year that i wasn't married, again, in that seven
00:43:43.634 --> 00:43:47.104
Years, it wasn't just i didn't have a husband, it was like for
00:43:47.104 --> 00:43:50.441
Me, a female, another year has gone by that i haven't
00:43:50.441 --> 00:43:54.878
Given birth.
00:43:54.878 --> 00:43:56.246
God, what if--and this thought, what if this never happens?
00:43:56.246 --> 00:44:01.018
What if this never happens for me?
00:44:01.018 --> 00:44:02.753
And so when we talk about, like, surrender, i think these are
00:44:02.753 --> 00:44:05.923
Very real thoughts, and it makes sense why we want to do it
00:44:05.923 --> 00:44:09.226
Ourselves, why we want to white knuckle control, why we want to
00:44:09.226 --> 00:44:11.862
Just--and we'll call it faith without works isn't dead,
00:44:11.862 --> 00:44:14.498
Because we all know how to spiritualize things that are--
00:44:14.498 --> 00:44:16.667
We're trying to control ourselves.
00:44:16.667 --> 00:44:19.103
But all my attempts were completely useless.
00:44:19.103 --> 00:44:22.539
And i just remember year after year i would tell god i could
00:44:22.539 --> 00:44:25.442
Have a 3 year old by now.
00:44:25.442 --> 00:44:27.544
God, i would see mums in los angeles with their babies and be
00:44:27.544 --> 00:44:31.215
Like, oh, wow, they got pregnant at the same time that i
00:44:31.215 --> 00:44:34.685
Was married.
00:44:34.685 --> 00:44:36.019
I would have a little girl that was 5 years old by now, man.
00:44:36.019 --> 00:44:41.191
God, when will it be my turn?
00:44:41.191 --> 00:44:44.628
Do you even have a plan for me?
00:44:44.628 --> 00:44:47.164
And it was this constant surrender, so surrender is not a
00:44:47.164 --> 00:44:50.868
One-time thing, it was a constant thing.
00:44:50.868 --> 00:44:54.037
But then when i met tim, who was a single dad with two girls, we
00:44:54.037 --> 00:44:59.977
Realized the timelines, zara was born in california, 30 minutes
00:44:59.977 --> 00:45:04.782
From where i lived during my divorce, the same time.
00:45:04.782 --> 00:45:08.786
And so every time i was upset at god because i didn't have what i
00:45:08.786 --> 00:45:13.724
Thought i had, every time i was like i could have a 3 year old
00:45:13.724 --> 00:45:16.827
Girl by now, i did.
00:45:16.827 --> 00:45:18.695
I just hadn't met her yet.
00:45:18.695 --> 00:45:20.063
Laurie: he was in your future taking care of business.
00:45:20.063 --> 00:45:21.398
Elyse: he's outside of time.
00:45:21.398 --> 00:45:22.766
Holly: he's going, elyse.
00:45:22.766 --> 00:45:24.101
Elyse: he's like, would you just wait, girl?
00:45:24.101 --> 00:45:25.469
Debra: if you only knew.
00:45:25.469 --> 00:45:26.804
Elyse: and it's that reality.
00:45:26.804 --> 00:45:28.172
Laurie: you know, that waiting is not--that's not wasted, your
00:45:28.172 --> 00:45:32.309
Waiting, your feelings, your emotions, it's never wasted.
00:45:32.309 --> 00:45:37.114
Debra: i really believe that god gives us the desires of our
00:45:37.114 --> 00:45:41.218
Heart, and i don't necessarily believe that means he gives us
00:45:41.218 --> 00:45:45.656
Everything we want.
00:45:45.656 --> 00:45:47.024
What i think it means is that the desires inside of us were
00:45:47.024 --> 00:45:49.793
Placed inside of us by god.
00:45:49.793 --> 00:45:51.695
When we are walking in alignment with him, he gives us desires
00:45:51.695 --> 00:45:57.100
That point us in the direction of where he wants us to go.
00:45:57.100 --> 00:45:59.937
So if you have a desire for marriage, hold on to
00:45:59.937 --> 00:46:03.674
That desire.
00:46:03.674 --> 00:46:05.142
If you have a desire to be a mom, hold on to that desire
00:46:05.142 --> 00:46:09.980
Until god tells you to let it go, but in the meantime, hold on
00:46:09.980 --> 00:46:14.585
With hope, hold on to him, and believe that the desires he has
00:46:14.585 --> 00:46:19.857
Put in your heart are there for a reason.
00:46:19.857 --> 00:46:22.659
They're guiding you and leading you and directing you towards
00:46:22.659 --> 00:46:26.129
The path he has for your life, so keep holding on to
00:46:26.129 --> 00:46:30.133
That desire.
00:46:30.133 --> 00:46:32.135
Laurie: i love that god never wastes the wait.
00:46:32.135 --> 00:46:35.105
The yearning for something is never wasted.
00:46:35.105 --> 00:46:38.642
Could sarah have let abraham take isaac to offer him up as a
00:46:38.642 --> 00:46:43.714
Sacrifice had she not waited for the promise of god?
00:46:43.714 --> 00:46:48.051
So inside that wait stirs and grows that whatever god does.
00:46:48.051 --> 00:46:53.824
Holly: what's holy, it grows what's holy.
00:46:53.824 --> 00:46:55.692
Laurie: holy, to give back to him.
00:46:55.692 --> 00:46:59.029
So, the wasted time, the things that seem like they don't fit
00:46:59.029 --> 00:47:03.367
Our schedule.
00:47:03.367 --> 00:47:04.768
We wanted to plan, i wanted a child.
00:47:04.768 --> 00:47:08.005
I lost two between mine.
00:47:08.005 --> 00:47:09.606
I could have four by now.
00:47:09.606 --> 00:47:11.608
Should i live there?
00:47:11.608 --> 00:47:13.644
No, god has a plan, he has a purpose.
00:47:13.644 --> 00:47:17.347
God knows what he's doing.
00:47:17.347 --> 00:47:20.083
And so in those weights, in those dreams that feel like they
00:47:20.083 --> 00:47:23.820
Haven't worked out, god is doing something on the inside of us.
00:47:23.820 --> 00:47:28.558
He knows what he's doing, and we can trust him fully with all
00:47:28.558 --> 00:47:33.864
Of it.
00:47:33.864 --> 00:47:35.198
You put your baby whether you had it or not, put your baby in
00:47:35.198 --> 00:47:38.001
The basket knowing that he controls the river.
00:47:38.001 --> 00:47:40.370
I love that.
00:47:40.370 --> 00:47:41.705
Holly: or just like put your dream in that basket, put your
00:47:41.705 --> 00:47:43.340
Marriage in that basket, just like let go.
00:47:43.340 --> 00:47:46.443
Laurie: let go, let go, surrender.
00:47:46.443 --> 00:47:49.212
Elyse: i love that the waiting is growing something in us that
00:47:49.212 --> 00:47:52.115
We can remember, and then when you get to that place you can
00:47:52.115 --> 00:47:55.319
Look back on the faithfulness.
00:47:55.319 --> 00:47:56.653
God was faithful yesterday, he won't be unfaithful today.
00:47:56.653 --> 00:47:58.121
Laurie: he never changes.
00:47:58.121 --> 00:47:59.456
Elyse: and so i'd love to just finish by praying, because i
00:47:59.456 --> 00:48:02.059
Just know.
00:48:02.059 --> 00:48:03.427
I know there are women watching this saying, yeah, but you don't
00:48:03.427 --> 00:48:05.862
Know my story, and they're right, we don't, but we do know
00:48:05.862 --> 00:48:08.598
Who god is, and we can trust his character.
00:48:08.598 --> 00:48:10.600
We don't always understand what he's doing or why he's doing it.
00:48:10.600 --> 00:48:15.005
Holly: i think we rarely understand it.
00:48:15.005 --> 00:48:17.841
Elyse: that part.
00:48:17.841 --> 00:48:19.776
Let's pray.
00:48:19.776 --> 00:48:21.111
God, i thank you for your faithfulness.
00:48:21.111 --> 00:48:23.981
Father, i thank you that at the end of the day, we're your
00:48:23.981 --> 00:48:26.283
Girls, we're your daughters, and you love giving gifts to us, and
00:48:26.283 --> 00:48:31.922
Would you forgive us when we have tried to hold things so
00:48:31.922 --> 00:48:34.524
Tightly in our hands because they're so tied so closely to
00:48:34.524 --> 00:48:38.862
Our heart and our dreams?
00:48:38.862 --> 00:48:41.598
God, would you remind us today in millions of individual
00:48:41.598 --> 00:48:46.103
Specific ways what that looks like in our life to open our
00:48:46.103 --> 00:48:50.374
Hands and surrender it to you?
00:48:50.374 --> 00:48:51.975
Because the material in your hand can create the miracle, but
00:48:51.975 --> 00:48:57.014
Lord, it's often created a mess when we've kept it in our hands,
00:48:57.014 --> 00:48:59.783
So today we release it into your control, knowing that you have
00:48:59.783 --> 00:49:05.489
Been faithful yesterday, and you will not be unfaithful today, so
00:49:05.489 --> 00:49:09.726
We commit it to you in jesus's name, amen, amen.
00:49:09.726 --> 00:49:12.763
Holly: amen.
00:49:12.763 --> 00:49:15.165
Announcer: connect with us on social media and let us know how
00:49:15.165 --> 00:49:17.601
Our team can pray for you.
00:49:17.601 --> 00:49:19.603
[music]
00:49:19.603 --> 00:49:24.741
Elyse: i don't know that i ever had long periods of doubt that
00:49:24.741 --> 00:49:27.277
Motherhood would happen.
00:49:27.277 --> 00:49:28.645
I just think i didn't expect it to happen the way that
00:49:28.645 --> 00:49:31.114
It happened.
00:49:31.114 --> 00:49:32.482
I got introduced to being a mother through blended family,
00:49:32.482 --> 00:49:35.752
Through an instant family overnight becoming a stepmum to
00:49:35.752 --> 00:49:39.256
These two beautiful girls, and so i think rather than the doubt
00:49:39.256 --> 00:49:42.592
That motherhood would happen for me was the doubt that i'd be
00:49:42.592 --> 00:49:46.329
Able to be a good mum.
00:49:46.329 --> 00:49:48.432
I don't know where it came from.
00:49:48.432 --> 00:49:50.667
It's just this feeling in me that i don't know what i'm doing
00:49:50.667 --> 00:49:53.270
And other women do, surely other women do.
00:49:53.270 --> 00:49:56.440
Overnight i got married and then had these two girls with me all
00:49:56.440 --> 00:49:59.576
The time, and i didn't feel any different than the day before.
00:49:59.576 --> 00:50:04.247
Surely i should feel different than the day before i got two
00:50:04.247 --> 00:50:07.184
Kids, and so i think that sometimes that doubt crept in
00:50:07.184 --> 00:50:10.554
And ate away at me, and that's when i had to realize that god
00:50:10.554 --> 00:50:14.224
Chose me.
00:50:14.224 --> 00:50:15.792
He would have chosen someone else.
00:50:15.792 --> 00:50:17.160
He chose me to be these girls' mum in this season, and so if he
00:50:17.160 --> 00:50:22.299
Chose me, then i need to trust his choice in me and go to him
00:50:22.299 --> 00:50:28.105
For what i do and surround myself with people that can help
00:50:28.105 --> 00:50:31.975
Me along the journey.
00:50:31.975 --> 00:50:33.343
But in the moments of doubt, i think the biggest reminder has
00:50:33.343 --> 00:50:38.748
Been that, "i chose you, so come to me and surround yourself with
00:50:38.748 --> 00:50:43.487
People that can remind you of that in the moments where
00:50:43.487 --> 00:50:46.423
You forget."
00:50:46.423 --> 00:50:48.558
Announcer: watch better together on the go.
00:50:48.558 --> 00:50:50.527
Download the free tbn+ app to stream all of your
00:50:50.527 --> 00:50:53.897
Favorite conversations.
00:50:53.897 --> 00:50:55.899
[music]
00:50:55.899 --> 00:50:55.899

The Dream of Motherhood | Better Together Episode 1162

May 5, 2026 | S8 E1162 | 50:59

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