Better Together

Honest Answers About Marriage | Better Together Episode 1145

February 13, 2026 | S8 E1145 | 50:59

What if my spouse isn’t a Christian? How do I handle criticism from my spouse? What if they want a divorce? Today, we answer these questions about marriage and much more! | TBN Prayer Line: 714-731-1000

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Better Together | Honest Answers About Marriage | Better Together Episode 1145 | February 13, 2026

Laurie crouch: from differences in faith to communication
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Challenges, you sent us your questions about love and
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Marriage, so come on, let's talk about it.
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[music]
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Laurie: you know, we get so many questions through the social
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Media and all the things that y'all do.
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Questions come in all the time.
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By the way, we have three doctors here and sheila, so.
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[laughing]
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Deedee freeman: we're gonna give sheila all of the questions.
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Laurie: so, hopefully you'll get some good answers here today.
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All right, we're gonna talk about spouses who are
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Not christians.
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So betty, hi betty, asks, "i became a christian after i was
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Married, and we are unequally yoked.
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What am i supposed to do?"
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Sheila walsh: what does it mean to be equally yoked?
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Deedee: yes, that's what we need to answer.
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Laurie: oh, you went there, see that's--
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Deedee: yeah, you went straight there.
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Irini fambro: dr. deedee, earlier this week you said about
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How we're yoked to christ, you know, and how his burden is easy
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And his yoke is light, so we know that, and then you hold
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This, and i kept thinking about when we talk about being
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Unequally yoked, are we actually both on each side of each other,
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Or are we talking about the two of us being yoked to christ?
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Like there were just so many different ways that i wanted to
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Explore it, because i thought, lord, first and foremost, i'm
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Yoked to you, and it's light, and what does that look like?
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And clearly there's not an equality in that picture.
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He carries the load.
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I've got my little head in there acting like i'm--i got it, and
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He's like, yeah you do, look at you, you know?
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And i just see him carrying the whole load, you know, himself,
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But i think that there's some principles around when i think
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About this when i think about my own daughter and, you know, and
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My son who i'm praying for who they would find.
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I just talk about love loving jesus, not just they go to
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Church, not just they--like, do they have a personal
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Relationship with him?
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And i think there are tools in this, because you're never gonna
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Find a perfect person, so that's not what the picture of
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Equally yoked.
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And for kenneth and i, we met-- he grew up catholic, and my
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Parents are coptic orthodox.
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I grew up in the wesleyan church, and so we just brought
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Two different type of perspectives of the lord to the
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Table, and we've grown each other in that massively, so i
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Wouldn't even say we were at the same faith maturity level when
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We got married, but we both loved the lord deeply, and that
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To me has to be an aspect of that, and i do love that the
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Scriptures--and i'm sure we'll step into what we get to do and
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How paul even talks about what you can do when you're in that
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Situation for being unequally yoked, what does that look like?
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That question that you're asking, sheila, of what does
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That look like, at its heart is do we love the lord?
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Deedee: yeah, i would say that as well, because if we're gonna
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Talk about being equally yoked how most christians would define
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That, mike and i probably wouldn't be equal at this point.
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I mean, just his level of maturity, his understanding
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About certain things as it relates to the word, it pales in
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Comparison, so it's like i wouldn't even compare that, but
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Then there are certain aspects of things that i'm probably
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Stronger in, you know, than him when it comes to my believing,
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So i would definitely go and just submit to that, like, it
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Has to be how is your heart towards god?
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To be yoked, because when you think about, you know, a yoke
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And how it was put on the ox, right?
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They had to be going in the same direction.
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You can't be going in opposite directions and expect to get to
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The same resolve.
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You have to be yoked together.
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Somebody is gonna have to be able to take the lead.
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Angie richey: i look at unequally yoked is you can be
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Connected but misaligned, so you can still have great chemistry,
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Attraction, you might even have the same interests, but where
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You're out of alignment is in the areas that matter most,
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According to scripture, which is, i think, mission
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Vision values.
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What's your mission in terms of you heading in the right
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Direction in terms of your mission with god together and
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For god, your vision for your future?
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You might be not yoked in faith, but you might have a vision for
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A business, so you got to be really careful that you're
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Aligned in the areas that matter and the values of by which
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You live.
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For betty, you know, i guess i'd be curious to know even more,
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What is life, how is her spouse behaving?
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In the scriptures, it's very clear of how we're called to
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Really love the unbeliever.
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Irini: and that actually through your actions that your spouse
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Even could become saved because of that.
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Sheila: peter writes, 1 peter 3, where it says, in the same way,
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"you wives must accept the authority of your husbands.
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Then, even if some refuse to obey the good news, your godly
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Lives will speak to them without any words.
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They will be won over by observing your pure and
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Reverent lives."
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Angie: so if you find yourself now in a relationship where your
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Spouse is not a believer, and you've come to christ, your job
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Is to represent christ to him.
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It is so easy to become judgmental, to want him to be
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Saved, to want him to come to christ and align with
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Your values.
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Your job is to work on your relationship with christ and be
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Christ to him, and that means love, it means forgiveness, it
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Means honor and respect.
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And while you may feel that that's not gonna make a
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Difference, the word says that that behavior will bring your
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Spouse to christ.
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So, pray for it, believe in it, and understand that god is with
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You through all of it, and he has a plan for your marriage.
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Sheila: when i was a little girl, i never missed our prayer
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Meeting on a tuesday night.
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We're a small church, so it was probably, i don't know, 20 of
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Us, 25 of us maybe, but i loved it because there was this man
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Called angus from way up in the highlands, and every single
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Tuesday night, angus prayed for his wife to be saved.
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He had become a christian after they got married, and she was a
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Lovely woman, but she just didn't see any need for personal
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Faith, it didn't make sense to her.
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And i can remember asking him one night, "angus, why do you
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Think god hasn't answered your prayers for your wife?"
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And he was very quiet for a minute, and then he said, "well,
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He's never failed me yet, lass, i don't think he'll start now."
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And i went off to seminary and came back for a vacation, and it
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Was his funeral, and it was at his memorial service that his
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Wife gave her life to christ.
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And the lesson that taught me is a lifetime is not too long to
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Pray, you know?
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He wouldn't know that till 3 years later when she went home,
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Yeah, joined him, but he faithfully believed and--
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Now, obviously there's circumstances where if the
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Person's antagonistic towards your faith, i think that would
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Be very challenging as opposed to just someone who doesn't
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Understand yet.
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Laurie: well, let's take it a little deeper.
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Amy asks, "how do i handle being married to an unbeliever?
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How can i submit to him, and how should we reconcile parenting
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Differences when he doesn't see the spiritual side of things?"
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Deedee: this is good, this is very good.
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Like, what do you do after you already say i do?
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I mean, all of those things you were giving was like amazing
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About the alignment, but you've said i do, so now what do you
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Do, like what amy is asking.
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I will take it in my case.
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I look at an unbeliever like in this scripture, not just someone
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Who has not received jesus as lord, but you don't believe in
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This moment for certain things, and now i gotta live a life so
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You can see something different.
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I think about me and in my marriage how i had to learn to
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Close my mouth and stop trying to fix things myself, and this
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Is what i came up with, god gave me this.
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I started acting like mike was acting like he was supposed to
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Act, and it changed the way i act, so i started treating him
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Like he was the best thing since sliced bread.
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I started serving, i started, you know, affirming, i started
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Being everything that he would need for me to be, and then
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That's when i started to see the change in him, but i was
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Committed for life.
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I didn't care.
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I didn't care how long it was gonna take me.
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I had to get my mind out of setting dates for stuff,
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You know?
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Because some people say, well, i'm gonna give them to the end
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Of the month, so it's like faith doesn't have an expiration date,
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So i was determined to just live like christ had called me to
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Live, and i started to implement things in my home.
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Let me serve you and show you how god would be in this house.
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So, you got a mission, what is it?
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Let me get up under this and push you.
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I mean, there's so many practical things that people
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Could do, but they don't, they just get mad, but if you would
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Just be who god has called you to be in at home and pray that
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His heart will change.
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And negotiate the terms, actually sit down and talk
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About it.
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I know you don't care if our children go to service on
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Sunday, but that's something i care about, so do you mind if i
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Implement this?
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It's like giving him that power, because most of them just want
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The authority, want to be able to be recognized as the head,
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The lead person in this home.
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Deedee: i know you wanna change your husband, but you cannot.
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The only thing you can do is change you.
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If you want your husband to take the authority in which he should
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Take in the relationship, maybe in a spiritual way or maybe even
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In the natural, i don't know, all you have to do is pray about
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That and be who god has called you to be.
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Take your attention off of everyone on social media or
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That's in your environment and put your focus on what you are
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Dealing with right there in your home, and you have the
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Responsibility to only fix you so change your responses today
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And how you deal with your husband and you watch how god
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Will minister to his heart, and you will see change as well
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In him.
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Laurie: i think sometimes we need to step away a little bit
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And say, god, let me see my husband the way you see him,
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That's good, you know?
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And so if i start treating him as a child of god that god loves
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Him just as much as--and he's the lost one, so god's after
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Him, too, so let me treat him in that manner that god is for you,
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God is after you.
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Let me show that side of god as being for you and after you in
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Love and in grace.
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Irini: i do think what's beautiful about submission is,
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You know, is it talks about submit one to another, and it's
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A strategic term.
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It's actually a military term.
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And if you can think of like, you know, soldiers in a line
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That are on like a front line, and the submission is to
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My space.
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This is what god's given me to stand in, and i'm gonna stand in
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This space, because this is the one you gave me.
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There's no point for me to be standing and trying to take my
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Husband's space, because that's his, and that's not--then i'm
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Leaving a gap and a hole in the line that god's asked me to.
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So it's like, hey, this is where you stand, and this is where i
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Stand, and this is--that's what i'm submitting to is a bigger
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Overall strategy of the lord, god, what do you wanna do, and
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How can i do that?
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What's interesting is that when it feels like you can tell the
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Differences like this, you're saying, hey, i'm married to an
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Unbeliever, being able to delineate what are the things
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That are actually differences between us and what are just
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Common things that most people navigate through in conflict,
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Like the differences in parenting.
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Sometimes you'll see some of those things.
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Like the part that, amy, you were asking about, well, he's
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Not seeing the spiritual side of things.
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What's beautiful is you are, so you get to pray into those
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Things, you get to believe for those things, you get to stand
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In the gap for those things and be strategic in that.
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So in submitting to him, it's clearly gonna be within the
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Boundaries like, is it biblical?
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Does it sign up to the word of god, you know, if your
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Unbelieving husband wants to try to bring another person into the
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Bedroom, and just being real, i'm saying no, we've got
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A problem.
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But you're like that's his mission.
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I was like that's not mine, you know?
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Like, when we have clearly-- you know, and just some honest
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Places of going, hey, if there are things that go against the
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Very plumb line of my life, i'm clearly not gonna, you know, i
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Want to go into worship in this temple.
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I want to go, you know, you're like, no, you know, that's not
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Where i'm at.
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And so i just think, you know, there are going to be some clear
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Boundaries that you put in, but i do think that they're an image
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Bearer, and how can i treat you as such and honor you.
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Laurie, you mentioned this earlier this week of just serve
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You unto the lord.
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Irini: all right, so big question that a lot of us have
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Is this one about being unequally yoked, and i think
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It's important to know that primarily there is that aspect
00:13:49.251 --> 00:13:52.688
Of saying, hey, do we both love jesus?
00:13:52.688 --> 00:13:55.057
Because here's the reality.
00:13:55.057 --> 00:13:56.825
Think about a yoke, you'll actually see there's a bar, and
00:13:56.825 --> 00:13:59.695
Then there's two little places that you can actually put your
00:13:59.695 --> 00:14:02.498
Head in, okay?
00:14:02.498 --> 00:14:03.866
And this idea are we going in the same direction?
00:14:03.866 --> 00:14:06.735
You cannot be going in two different directions.
00:14:06.735 --> 00:14:09.805
So if i'm going towards jesus, and you're not, we're not--this
00:14:09.805 --> 00:14:13.175
Isn't working out, because there's a fight, and we can't
00:14:13.175 --> 00:14:16.145
Actually move in the same direction together.
00:14:16.145 --> 00:14:18.981
So there's a huge aspect of that when we talk about our faith.
00:14:18.981 --> 00:14:22.084
Are both of you loving jesus and pursuing him?
00:14:22.084 --> 00:14:25.187
But there are a lot of other things that happen in that that,
00:14:25.187 --> 00:14:28.791
You know, that you can be unequally yoked in, and it
00:14:28.791 --> 00:14:31.593
Doesn't mean that you're equally the same.
00:14:31.593 --> 00:14:34.196
Like there's seasons in in different places.
00:14:34.196 --> 00:14:36.532
Like, when my husband and i first met, you know, i could
00:14:36.532 --> 00:14:39.134
Have said, you know, well, i know way more about the bible
00:14:39.134 --> 00:14:41.337
Than you do, so we're unequally yoked, and that's not what it's
00:14:41.337 --> 00:14:43.806
Talking about there're gonna be places that one person is
00:14:43.806 --> 00:14:47.076
Stronger than in the other, and then you'll find it flop in
00:14:47.076 --> 00:14:49.478
Other seasons, because there's a give and take to that, but in
00:14:49.478 --> 00:14:53.115
That yoke, we're heading in the same direction, and i think
00:14:53.115 --> 00:14:56.085
That's really key and important, but it really does matter if
00:14:56.085 --> 00:14:59.321
They love jesus, if they're going in that direction.
00:14:59.321 --> 00:15:02.291
And i know that you believe there's someone out there that's
00:15:02.291 --> 00:15:04.526
Like, yeah, but i can change them.
00:15:04.526 --> 00:15:06.528
That's not how you wanna start.
00:15:06.528 --> 00:15:08.564
You wanna start going towards jesus together.
00:15:08.564 --> 00:15:13.602
Deedee: let's keep the conversation going.
00:15:13.602 --> 00:15:15.838
Sheila: connect with us on social media and share your
00:15:15.838 --> 00:15:18.173
Favorite moments from today.
00:15:18.173 --> 00:15:19.508
Laurie: we are better because of you.
00:15:19.508 --> 00:15:23.278
Female announcer: be the first to know all the latest "better
00:15:23.278 --> 00:15:25.547
Together" updates.
00:15:25.547 --> 00:15:27.783
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00:15:27.783 --> 00:15:31.253
Never miss the latest news.
00:15:31.253 --> 00:15:34.007
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00:15:34.007 --> 00:15:35.091
[music]
00:15:35.425 --> 00:15:37.727
Laurie: i remember, two believers getting married,
00:15:37.727 --> 00:15:39.929
Me and my husband.
00:15:39.929 --> 00:15:41.598
We were both believers, but i, at the time very arrogantly, i
00:15:41.598 --> 00:15:44.267
Thought i'll probably wear the spiritual pants of the family.
00:15:44.267 --> 00:15:47.303
I remember waking up years later, waking up thinking, oh my
00:15:47.303 --> 00:15:52.042
Goodness, all those prayers that i have prayed for matt, i'm
00:15:52.042 --> 00:15:56.312
Gonna have to start running to keep up with him, so i know that
00:15:56.312 --> 00:16:00.350
Prayer works and prayer changes things.
00:16:00.350 --> 00:16:03.620
Prayer changes people, and god is faithful in--effectual,
00:16:03.620 --> 00:16:09.426
Fervent prayer of a righteous woman, a righteous man
00:16:09.426 --> 00:16:12.328
Avails much.
00:16:12.328 --> 00:16:14.097
Deedee: what was it, even smith wigglesworth was not a christian
00:16:14.097 --> 00:16:18.435
And his wife was, and she prayed--
00:16:18.435 --> 00:16:21.771
Laurie: prayed over his pillow.
00:16:21.771 --> 00:16:23.106
Deedee: yeah, i used to pray all the time.
00:16:23.106 --> 00:16:24.474
I remember one time they said she had went to church, to get
00:16:24.474 --> 00:16:27.877
Up and go, and the door was locked when she came back, and
00:16:27.877 --> 00:16:31.581
She slept right outside the door and just believed god that
00:16:31.581 --> 00:16:35.819
Everything was gonna be fine.
00:16:35.819 --> 00:16:37.153
He got up in the morning, she was sleeping at the door, he
00:16:37.153 --> 00:16:39.556
Opened up the door, she came in and kept serving.
00:16:39.556 --> 00:16:42.659
It's like how bad do you want it?
00:16:42.659 --> 00:16:44.661
And how bad do you really truly believe god.
00:16:44.661 --> 00:16:48.598
Irini: prayer is powerful, and i think, you know, we all would
00:16:48.598 --> 00:16:54.404
Recognize it if it was on a multiple choice test and you
00:16:54.404 --> 00:16:56.506
Were like which one of these things should be a part of
00:16:56.506 --> 00:16:58.775
Your practice.
00:16:58.775 --> 00:17:00.110
You're like, yes, prayer, you know, bible reading, you would
00:17:00.110 --> 00:17:01.911
Circle it, prayer would be up there.
00:17:01.911 --> 00:17:04.414
Now, the question becomes do we do it?
00:17:04.414 --> 00:17:06.683
And how do we make it a part of our practice so that it's daily
00:17:06.683 --> 00:17:09.586
So that it's something that is a rhythm that we have?
00:17:09.586 --> 00:17:13.056
Because it is powerful, it is what transforms marriages in--
00:17:13.056 --> 00:17:17.293
While you walk through seasons of change and transition.
00:17:17.293 --> 00:17:20.196
Whatever it is you're facing, prayer literally hands it back
00:17:20.196 --> 00:17:23.666
To to god and says you know what to do with this, because you can
00:17:23.666 --> 00:17:27.704
See the entire timeline, because you you don't work from where
00:17:27.704 --> 00:17:31.908
I'm at to the end, you work from the end to the beginning, so you
00:17:31.908 --> 00:17:34.711
Literally can put some bread crumbs down for me to follow.
00:17:34.711 --> 00:17:38.281
And prayer says, god, i want you to lead and guide in this.
00:17:38.281 --> 00:17:41.751
And so honestly finding practical ways that work.
00:17:41.751 --> 00:17:45.588
If sitting in a room and praying puts you to sleep, then get out
00:17:45.588 --> 00:17:48.258
There and walk and pray.
00:17:48.258 --> 00:17:50.160
Maybe use your time if you're in the car to sit--to pray, like,
00:17:50.160 --> 00:17:54.597
Hey, i've got 5 minutes, i've got 10 minutes, i've got 15, i'm
00:17:54.597 --> 00:17:57.567
Gonna use each of the times i have in the car, those are gonna
00:17:57.567 --> 00:18:00.036
Be my prayer times so that you can be consistent with it so
00:18:00.036 --> 00:18:03.439
That you can begin to see the transformation.
00:18:03.439 --> 00:18:06.442
Sheila: there's something about what you said, deedee, i think
00:18:06.442 --> 00:18:08.444
That's huge, because sometimes in a situation where the woman
00:18:08.444 --> 00:18:11.181
Has become a believer and the husband is not, it's almost like
00:18:11.181 --> 00:18:13.783
They think it's their mission to save him.
00:18:13.783 --> 00:18:16.619
Whereas the way you described you wanting to take your
00:18:16.619 --> 00:18:19.122
Children to church, and i'm not saying--including them in that,
00:18:19.122 --> 00:18:22.258
You know?
00:18:22.258 --> 00:18:23.626
This is something that really means a lot to me, and i'd love
00:18:23.626 --> 00:18:25.361
To--you know, are you good with that?
00:18:25.361 --> 00:18:26.829
I think that's respect, you know?
00:18:26.829 --> 00:18:28.831
And it gives them an opportunity to speak into it as well.
00:18:28.831 --> 00:18:31.467
Laurie: serving your husband in a godly way and without words,
00:18:31.467 --> 00:18:36.673
Your actions.
00:18:36.673 --> 00:18:38.041
Deedee: that's good.
00:18:38.041 --> 00:18:39.409
Laurie: so, we're praying for you.
00:18:39.409 --> 00:18:40.743
You have a community here at "better together."
00:18:40.743 --> 00:18:42.946
We're praying for you in your marriage.
00:18:42.946 --> 00:18:44.314
God does miracles, and nothing is impossible.
00:18:44.314 --> 00:18:47.584
Okay, tiffany asks, "how can i intercede for my husband if we
00:18:47.584 --> 00:18:52.889
Are separated, and he wants a divorce?
00:18:52.889 --> 00:18:55.525
I believe god's hand is still on our marriage, and we are still
00:18:55.525 --> 00:18:59.028
Legally married."
00:18:59.028 --> 00:19:00.597
Irini: i will say that there's an authority that you get to
00:19:00.597 --> 00:19:03.399
Still carry by being married.
00:19:03.399 --> 00:19:05.568
Deedee: me too, i'll say it.
00:19:05.568 --> 00:19:07.370
Irini: man, i'm getting some anointing while we're going
00:19:07.370 --> 00:19:09.105
Around this house while, you know, you're at work, and this
00:19:09.105 --> 00:19:12.075
Whole place gonna be dripping when you get back, because it's
00:19:12.075 --> 00:19:14.244
An outward manifestation of an inward reality of what i'm
00:19:14.244 --> 00:19:16.813
Declaring, what i'm seeing, and so i think that you're
00:19:16.813 --> 00:19:19.649
Contractually still married.
00:19:19.649 --> 00:19:21.184
There is a beautiful opportunity and a window here of being able
00:19:21.184 --> 00:19:25.455
To declare and call those things out in your marriage.
00:19:25.455 --> 00:19:29.125
Like, this is spiritual warfare.
00:19:29.125 --> 00:19:30.760
Angie: so, then, yeah, and she has authority here, and so
00:19:30.760 --> 00:19:34.731
Claiming your marriage, claiming that wholeness back and calling
00:19:34.731 --> 00:19:39.302
Him back.
00:19:39.302 --> 00:19:40.670
You know, we pray for our prodigals, right?
00:19:40.670 --> 00:19:42.005
I have friends that have prodigals, and we stand in the
00:19:42.005 --> 00:19:44.474
Gap, and i've seen so many come home because of praying
00:19:44.474 --> 00:19:50.213
Moms, grandparents.
00:19:50.213 --> 00:19:52.415
So i would say you storm heaven, don't give up.
00:19:52.415 --> 00:19:55.985
Irini: but it comes back to when we were talking about the way
00:19:55.985 --> 00:19:59.489
The lord treats us, it's his kindness that leads us
00:19:59.489 --> 00:20:02.025
To repentance.
00:20:02.025 --> 00:20:03.693
If you come at your husband, and it's like, well, i want this,
00:20:03.693 --> 00:20:07.563
And you don't want this, you know, all the negatives that
00:20:07.563 --> 00:20:10.033
Come out, the attack that comes in it, i would wall up, i would
00:20:10.033 --> 00:20:13.369
Be defensive, i wouldn't want to listen into this, but what would
00:20:13.369 --> 00:20:16.205
Kindness look like?
00:20:16.205 --> 00:20:17.540
I've also seen--and i'm not saying, nor do i believe this
00:20:17.540 --> 00:20:21.644
For your marriage, tiffany--but i've also seen people split and
00:20:21.644 --> 00:20:25.048
Come back together.
00:20:25.048 --> 00:20:27.884
The realities of what happen out there wake up the other side of
00:20:27.884 --> 00:20:31.954
The individual that it's like, oh, that's not what i want, and
00:20:31.954 --> 00:20:35.825
I realize what i had.
00:20:35.825 --> 00:20:37.327
Knowing that god holds the whole timeline and that, you know,
00:20:37.327 --> 00:20:41.764
It's like i can do everything.
00:20:41.764 --> 00:20:43.433
What can i do in my attitude, in my actions, in my--because you
00:20:43.433 --> 00:20:47.670
Can't control your husband.
00:20:47.670 --> 00:20:49.005
Angie: he has free will.
00:20:49.005 --> 00:20:50.740
Irini: you could see why god's frustrated with us.
00:20:50.740 --> 00:20:52.508
You can--you literally are in the moment of watching how it
00:20:52.508 --> 00:20:55.178
Works for the lord of going, "don't you see this?
00:20:55.178 --> 00:20:57.613
Don't you want it as much as i want?"
00:20:57.613 --> 00:20:59.048
And you know, and so you can control your actions.
00:20:59.048 --> 00:21:01.584
We do diminish how powerful prayer is.
00:21:01.584 --> 00:21:04.987
Prayer puts you in places that your body can't be.
00:21:04.987 --> 00:21:08.491
Like, you can show up at work with him, you get to show up--
00:21:08.491 --> 00:21:12.261
You know, you get to intercede in a way and stand in the gap
00:21:12.261 --> 00:21:15.665
Through prayer and what that can do in guarding your words over
00:21:15.665 --> 00:21:19.402
Your marriage and life and not death.
00:21:19.402 --> 00:21:22.338
What can you do?
00:21:22.338 --> 00:21:24.874
And leaving the rest of the lord, like i've done everything
00:21:24.874 --> 00:21:26.976
That i know, lord, and i'm trusting in you, and i--that
00:21:26.976 --> 00:21:31.848
Doesn't guarantee like it's a mathematical formula.
00:21:31.848 --> 00:21:34.751
If you'll just do this, this, and this, then i promise you
00:21:34.751 --> 00:21:36.953
This will happen.
00:21:36.953 --> 00:21:38.287
There's a variable we can't put in there, and that's the human
00:21:38.287 --> 00:21:40.223
Variable of another person.
00:21:40.223 --> 00:21:42.458
Sheila: i would also encourage to find what i call a safe
00:21:42.458 --> 00:21:45.661
Sister, someone, you know, who loves the lord that you can
00:21:45.661 --> 00:21:48.398
Trust, not someone who wants to gossip, but somebody who really
00:21:48.398 --> 00:21:51.033
Is a prayer partner, because sometimes it's gonna be moments
00:21:51.033 --> 00:21:53.836
Where you're just like, you know, i was having hope, and i'm
00:21:53.836 --> 00:21:56.806
Losing hope to have somebody who can lift you up and pray with
00:21:56.806 --> 00:22:00.443
You and stand with you.
00:22:00.443 --> 00:22:02.712
Deedee: i had to learn me.
00:22:02.712 --> 00:22:05.281
I had to find out who was deedee?
00:22:05.281 --> 00:22:09.352
Whose image was she really created in?
00:22:09.352 --> 00:22:12.822
Because i looked at my life as if i was created in the image of
00:22:12.822 --> 00:22:18.194
My mom, not in the image of god, and when i learned that i was
00:22:18.194 --> 00:22:23.332
Created in the image of god, i learned the authority and the
00:22:23.332 --> 00:22:28.471
Power that he walked in that i was given that same authority
00:22:28.471 --> 00:22:32.942
And that same power, so i stopped allowing things to just
00:22:32.942 --> 00:22:37.447
Go however it would go in my home, and i would stand up and
00:22:37.447 --> 00:22:41.551
Take that authority in my rightful place in prayer, not in
00:22:41.551 --> 00:22:45.288
My relationship like i was trying to usurp authority, no,
00:22:45.288 --> 00:22:49.759
Not at all.
00:22:49.759 --> 00:22:51.127
I simply mean that i would take my authority in prayer and bind
00:22:51.127 --> 00:22:55.364
Whatever it is that i did not like in my relationship, and
00:22:55.364 --> 00:22:58.968
Then i would loose things in my relationship that i wanted
00:22:58.968 --> 00:23:02.505
To see.
00:23:02.505 --> 00:23:03.873
The bible says that whatsoever we bind here on earth shall be
00:23:03.873 --> 00:23:06.709
Bound in heaven.
00:23:06.709 --> 00:23:08.144
Whatsoever we loose in earth shall be loosed in heaven.
00:23:08.144 --> 00:23:12.315
So i realized that the power and the authority started here in
00:23:12.315 --> 00:23:17.353
The earth.
00:23:17.353 --> 00:23:18.721
When i took my authority in the earth, then god could back
00:23:18.721 --> 00:23:21.958
Whatever it is that i was saying.
00:23:21.958 --> 00:23:23.759
So take your power back today.
00:23:23.759 --> 00:23:26.696
I could see it in two different ways, when you think about
00:23:26.696 --> 00:23:29.098
Scripture, how one talks about how the husband doesn't have
00:23:29.098 --> 00:23:33.035
Power over his own body but the wife does, and the wife doesn't
00:23:33.035 --> 00:23:36.138
Have control or authority over her body, but the husband does.
00:23:36.138 --> 00:23:40.009
Always say when you connected to me, you made a covenant to
00:23:40.009 --> 00:23:44.647
Become one with me.
00:23:44.647 --> 00:23:46.115
You're connected to me.
00:23:46.115 --> 00:23:47.450
I mean, it's just how i reframe it, you know, for me, so i can
00:23:47.450 --> 00:23:50.786
Really stay in faith for it.
00:23:50.786 --> 00:23:52.822
But then you have to go on-- it's like 'cause the scripture
00:23:52.822 --> 00:23:55.691
Also talks about how if an unbelieving spouse wanna leave,
00:23:55.691 --> 00:23:59.695
Let them go, because you praying and believing god for them to
00:23:59.695 --> 00:24:03.699
Come back.
00:24:03.699 --> 00:24:05.434
What are you gonna get when they come back?
00:24:05.434 --> 00:24:07.904
Is it gonna be better or worse than it was?
00:24:07.904 --> 00:24:11.007
You know, i'm not saying that they can't change, but why
00:24:11.007 --> 00:24:14.143
Would--the scripture tells you if you want, if he wants to go,
00:24:14.143 --> 00:24:17.480
Let him go.
00:24:17.480 --> 00:24:18.814
Now we pray to get them back, and they're worse, and you're
00:24:18.814 --> 00:24:20.750
Like, oh, god, fix them.
00:24:20.750 --> 00:24:22.752
God gonna say, "no, you, you let them back in here, he was out
00:24:22.752 --> 00:24:26.956
The door," you know?
00:24:26.956 --> 00:24:28.324
But we want 'em back, so i don't know.
00:24:28.324 --> 00:24:30.760
I kind of see it both ways.
00:24:30.760 --> 00:24:32.094
You can pray and believe god, because i've seen it happen
00:24:32.094 --> 00:24:35.331
Both ways.
00:24:35.331 --> 00:24:36.666
Been in ministry for 32 years.
00:24:36.666 --> 00:24:38.367
I have a sister-in-law who was married to the same guy, she's
00:24:38.367 --> 00:24:41.037
Married him three times, this is her third time.
00:24:41.037 --> 00:24:43.439
When i tell you they have the best marriage and relationship,
00:24:43.439 --> 00:24:47.243
It's amazing, but those first two times, they just couldn't
00:24:47.243 --> 00:24:51.714
Figure it out.
00:24:51.714 --> 00:24:53.082
But now this third time they've been married for like ten years,
00:24:53.082 --> 00:24:55.985
And i mean, it's just amazing and beautiful to see, so i know
00:24:55.985 --> 00:25:01.290
You can pray, you know, that the purpose of god will be
00:25:01.290 --> 00:25:04.694
Manifested in a marriage.
00:25:04.694 --> 00:25:06.462
If you believe it's god, you have to be willing to stand and
00:25:06.462 --> 00:25:11.033
Stay in it regardless.
00:25:11.033 --> 00:25:12.935
I mean, you can't be talking about, okay, if he does this,
00:25:12.935 --> 00:25:16.539
Then you know, i'll let him back.
00:25:16.539 --> 00:25:18.274
No, you're gonna have to be willing to let him back, and
00:25:18.274 --> 00:25:21.210
Let's see the change happen once he get in there if he
00:25:21.210 --> 00:25:23.713
Comes back.
00:25:23.713 --> 00:25:25.081
It's really thought provoking, because i have seen it.
00:25:25.081 --> 00:25:27.550
I have walked people through believing god for their spouse
00:25:27.550 --> 00:25:30.586
To be back, and they have come back.
00:25:30.586 --> 00:25:33.356
Angie: so, when is enough enough?
00:25:33.356 --> 00:25:35.257
Number one, if there's any abuse in the home that is affecting
00:25:35.257 --> 00:25:38.894
You and your child, if you have children.
00:25:38.894 --> 00:25:42.598
This is a serious situation physically, emotionally,
00:25:42.598 --> 00:25:46.636
Spiritually, financially.
00:25:46.636 --> 00:25:48.004
If you are experiencing abuse of any kind, you need to seek help
00:25:48.004 --> 00:25:51.440
Immediately and a support system.
00:25:51.440 --> 00:25:53.743
And number two, if there's addiction, addiction has a mind
00:25:53.743 --> 00:25:56.779
Of its own.
00:25:56.779 --> 00:25:58.114
Addiction, if you are married to someone who is an addict,
00:25:58.114 --> 00:26:00.783
There's a third person in your marriage, it's called the
00:26:00.783 --> 00:26:02.985
Addiction itself.
00:26:02.985 --> 00:26:04.754
Addiction is selfish, it does not care about you, it does not
00:26:04.754 --> 00:26:07.723
Care about your family, and so you have to decide if how this
00:26:07.723 --> 00:26:11.694
Addiction is running your life, and i wanna tell you this, you
00:26:11.694 --> 00:26:15.531
Can't fix it.
00:26:15.531 --> 00:26:16.966
You can't fix it.
00:26:16.966 --> 00:26:18.334
Addiction isn't--the only person that can fix the
00:26:18.334 --> 00:26:20.403
Addiction is the person who is addicted.
00:26:20.403 --> 00:26:22.905
Yes, you can pray, but you need to decide when this has gone
00:26:22.905 --> 00:26:26.742
Too far.
00:26:26.742 --> 00:26:28.077
So, seek help, seek counsel, and seek the lord.
00:26:28.077 --> 00:26:32.048
Laurie: there's also those that have gotten out of marriages by
00:26:32.048 --> 00:26:35.351
Abuse or whatever it is, and the restoration that god brings
00:26:35.351 --> 00:26:40.056
Through someone else is amazing, and god can restore, god can
00:26:40.056 --> 00:26:46.328
Redeem, there is hope.
00:26:46.328 --> 00:26:48.164
There's hope for every situation we're looking at, you know, but
00:26:48.164 --> 00:26:52.635
Standing for an unbelieving husband and the vows that we
00:26:52.635 --> 00:26:56.405
Make, stand firm, show your kids how to do it, you know?
00:26:56.405 --> 00:27:01.444
Stand firm in your belief knowing that god can restore
00:27:01.444 --> 00:27:05.147
My marriage.
00:27:05.147 --> 00:27:06.549
Angie: i've seen a lot of this just in my practice, and i've
00:27:06.549 --> 00:27:10.119
Seen marriages restored.
00:27:10.119 --> 00:27:11.454
One of the things that i work with, with a lot of, especially
00:27:11.454 --> 00:27:14.423
Women, they want their spouse to come back, but they have been
00:27:14.423 --> 00:27:18.327
So angry.
00:27:18.327 --> 00:27:19.695
They've talked to everybody about their spouse, what the
00:27:19.695 --> 00:27:21.330
Spouse has done, all the things, all valid, right?
00:27:21.330 --> 00:27:24.467
All valid.
00:27:24.467 --> 00:27:25.801
We don't want anything to block our prayers.
00:27:25.801 --> 00:27:27.169
So walking them through the willingness to say, lord,
00:27:27.169 --> 00:27:30.806
Forgive me for how i've cursed my spouse.
00:27:30.806 --> 00:27:34.677
Forgive me for not believing the best in him and really cleansing
00:27:34.677 --> 00:27:39.281
Your heart so that when you go before the lord, you can say,
00:27:39.281 --> 00:27:42.718
Lord, i pray for him to bring him home, but your conscience is
00:27:42.718 --> 00:27:45.821
Cleared, and no curses are still attached.
00:27:45.821 --> 00:27:48.491
Does that make sense?
00:27:48.491 --> 00:27:50.159
You wouldn't believe it.
00:27:50.159 --> 00:27:51.527
You would not believe the miracles.
00:27:51.527 --> 00:27:53.763
And it's not just by their behavior, it is a work of
00:27:53.763 --> 00:27:57.366
The spirit.
00:27:57.366 --> 00:27:58.734
And so i would just say if you have a child, if you have a
00:27:58.734 --> 00:28:00.736
Spouse, if you have an ex, that you are just, you're praying for
00:28:00.736 --> 00:28:03.773
Them, but you've also cursed them, repent, repent.
00:28:03.773 --> 00:28:08.110
Renounce them in the name of the lord and ask the lord to forgive
00:28:08.110 --> 00:28:11.647
You and then bless.
00:28:11.647 --> 00:28:13.449
Bless with your words, powerful.
00:28:13.449 --> 00:28:16.051
Let the lord do the work, yeah.
00:28:16.051 --> 00:28:18.187
Laurie: yeah, beautiful.
00:28:18.187 --> 00:28:20.256
Sheila: it's a very, very hard thing when a marriage comes to
00:28:20.256 --> 00:28:23.159
An end.
00:28:23.159 --> 00:28:24.493
You just feel devastated.
00:28:24.493 --> 00:28:25.861
I mean, it's one of the most traumatic things that can happen
00:28:25.861 --> 00:28:28.697
In anybody's life.
00:28:28.697 --> 00:28:30.266
And if that's the situation you find yourself in, i just want
00:28:30.266 --> 00:28:33.202
You to know that we at your "better together" community are
00:28:33.202 --> 00:28:36.272
Praying for you.
00:28:36.272 --> 00:28:37.606
I know how hard that can be, but let me reassure you, god is not
00:28:37.606 --> 00:28:41.744
Finished with you yet.
00:28:41.744 --> 00:28:43.412
Sometimes we think if something falls apart, then we're just
00:28:43.412 --> 00:28:45.781
Gonna live with plan b, but god is a god who always has a path
00:28:45.781 --> 00:28:49.885
For his children, and my prayer for you right now is that you
00:28:49.885 --> 00:28:54.323
Would find some time to heal, that the temptation is to
00:28:54.323 --> 00:28:57.626
Immediately find somebody else to fill that gap.
00:28:57.626 --> 00:29:00.162
Let the lord fill the gap for a while.
00:29:00.162 --> 00:29:02.231
Let the lord help you to become whole again, so that when the
00:29:02.231 --> 00:29:05.067
Lord does move you on, you're in a good place.
00:29:05.067 --> 00:29:08.003
And remember, the lord loves you.
00:29:08.003 --> 00:29:11.273
Laurie: okay, communication differences.
00:29:11.273 --> 00:29:14.310
Carolyn writes, "i would love to hear how each of you handles
00:29:14.310 --> 00:29:17.913
Constructive criticism from your spouse."
00:29:17.913 --> 00:29:20.950
And i'd like to start with you, sheila.
00:29:20.950 --> 00:29:22.284
[laughing]
00:29:22.284 --> 00:29:25.254
Sheila: for me, one of the greatest lessons is learning how
00:29:25.254 --> 00:29:27.723
To hear each other.
00:29:27.723 --> 00:29:29.191
How to hear what somebody's actually saying as opposed to
00:29:29.191 --> 00:29:31.560
Just the words that are coming out of their mouth, because so
00:29:31.560 --> 00:29:34.296
Often we just have different communication styles.
00:29:34.296 --> 00:29:36.265
Like, i talked about the fact that i gave barry a book that
00:29:36.265 --> 00:29:38.968
I'd finished, manuscript to read, and he was like, "this
00:29:38.968 --> 00:29:41.871
Is unpublishable."
00:29:41.871 --> 00:29:43.505
What he actually meant was this could be so much better, we need
00:29:43.505 --> 00:29:46.242
To do a little bit of work, but all i heard was this is
00:29:46.242 --> 00:29:48.844
Unpublishable, and i was devastated.
00:29:48.844 --> 00:29:52.281
Deedee: and did you hear that, or did you hear you're not a
00:29:52.281 --> 00:29:55.885
Good writer, that you did a bad job?
00:29:55.885 --> 00:29:58.120
Sheila: no, i think i heard that too.
00:29:58.120 --> 00:29:59.788
I think i heard all of that.
00:29:59.788 --> 00:30:02.024
And the interesting thing is over the years, i mean, it went
00:30:02.024 --> 00:30:06.729
For quite a while.
00:30:06.729 --> 00:30:08.097
I would say 99.9% of the things that barry said were absolutely
00:30:08.097 --> 00:30:12.167
100% right, but because of the way they were being said, i
00:30:12.167 --> 00:30:17.006
Couldn't hear them, because i just heard this is not good
00:30:17.006 --> 00:30:19.108
Enough, you're not good enough.
00:30:19.108 --> 00:30:20.743
We have learned a lot in how to be able to talk to one another.
00:30:20.743 --> 00:30:25.047
Laurie: speak the dialect, the love language.
00:30:25.047 --> 00:30:27.149
Sheila: yeah, speak their dialect, get it in a way that
00:30:27.149 --> 00:30:29.351
They understand.
00:30:29.351 --> 00:30:30.719
And i've had to do the same with him, too, understanding how i
00:30:30.719 --> 00:30:33.756
Can communicate something in a way that doesn't make him feel
00:30:33.756 --> 00:30:36.191
Diminished but he hears me.
00:30:36.191 --> 00:30:38.360
Irini: typically when the first criticism comes out, there is an
00:30:38.360 --> 00:30:42.431
Instinctual kind of seizing like, like what's going on.
00:30:42.431 --> 00:30:45.701
Right now there's an internal dialogue that'll happen.
00:30:45.701 --> 00:30:48.671
It's like, hey, hang on to yourself, like, you're okay.
00:30:48.671 --> 00:30:51.941
And, you know, it's just kind of like checking the points, like,
00:30:51.941 --> 00:30:54.443
You know where the exits are.
00:30:54.443 --> 00:30:55.811
You know, but internally, just this moment like, hey, he loves
00:30:55.811 --> 00:30:59.515
You, he's for you and not against you, like, you're okay,
00:30:59.515 --> 00:31:04.553
Now just listen to what he--
00:31:04.553 --> 00:31:06.422
You might have to ask some more questions and unpack, help me
00:31:06.422 --> 00:31:09.858
Understand what that means, because for me, this is really
00:31:09.858 --> 00:31:12.962
Hard, because i love words.
00:31:12.962 --> 00:31:16.131
Like, we can have a whole disagreement over like, well,
00:31:16.131 --> 00:31:19.101
But you said this word.
00:31:19.101 --> 00:31:20.469
Like, do you know what that word actually means?
00:31:20.469 --> 00:31:22.571
Like, do you want me to go to the--you know, and he's
00:31:22.571 --> 00:31:24.340
Like, no.
00:31:24.340 --> 00:31:25.674
And because i'm a verbal processor, i'm like, okay, i'm
00:31:25.674 --> 00:31:28.077
Gonna--i'm working through this one, i know i can feel real
00:31:28.077 --> 00:31:30.779
Defensive about this, because it's making me feel this and
00:31:30.779 --> 00:31:33.349
This, but tell me more about what you're seeing.
00:31:33.349 --> 00:31:36.352
What does that look like?
00:31:36.352 --> 00:31:37.686
What is that?
00:31:37.686 --> 00:31:39.054
That's me in my healthy space, okay?
00:31:39.054 --> 00:31:42.925
Laurie: and unhealthy is?
00:31:42.925 --> 00:31:44.893
Sheila: pop in every now and again.
00:31:44.893 --> 00:31:46.261
Irini: and then there's the other time, you know, where it's
00:31:46.261 --> 00:31:48.030
Like--i think you called it the flip, or, you know, it's like,
00:31:48.030 --> 00:31:50.666
Oh, we're talking about things we don't like today, fantastic.
00:31:50.666 --> 00:31:54.203
Let me pull my list out so that i can feel better, you know, so
00:31:54.203 --> 00:31:57.639
That it feels like we're both feeling bad equally together.
00:31:57.639 --> 00:32:00.676
One of the things that i've been careful about with criticism is
00:32:00.676 --> 00:32:03.746
When there's--when they're detached from a relationship.
00:32:03.746 --> 00:32:06.882
So like i've had people that'll say like, hey, i would love for
00:32:06.882 --> 00:32:09.284
You to tell me what you think about my preaching or my, you
00:32:09.284 --> 00:32:11.553
Know, and it's like, yeah, i don't have any relationship with
00:32:11.553 --> 00:32:15.057
You, and that makes it really, really hard, because that's why
00:32:15.057 --> 00:32:19.595
I'm saying i'm grounding myself really in our relationship
00:32:19.595 --> 00:32:22.398
Going, hey, he's for you, he's not against you.
00:32:22.398 --> 00:32:25.534
Like, it took a lot for him to come and say this to you,
00:32:25.534 --> 00:32:28.070
Because you are a force to be reckoned with, and you know,
00:32:28.070 --> 00:32:30.172
Like, so let's start a conversation with irini
00:32:30.172 --> 00:32:32.975
About x-y-z.
00:32:32.975 --> 00:32:34.476
So, you know, what it took to get to that moment, what it, you
00:32:34.476 --> 00:32:37.913
Know, that he's actually thought through that and giving yourself
00:32:37.913 --> 00:32:41.216
The space afterwards to say even if you're--some people think on
00:32:41.216 --> 00:32:45.454
The spot, and some people need some time to process, to be able
00:32:45.454 --> 00:32:48.924
To say, okay, i hear you, and i think this is what you're
00:32:48.924 --> 00:32:52.027
Saying, and i just need to process that.
00:32:52.027 --> 00:32:54.496
And i'd love to be able to come back and talk about it, because
00:32:54.496 --> 00:32:56.565
Not everybody can do it right there.
00:32:56.565 --> 00:32:59.068
I would do it on the spot, but like if i'm even saying
00:32:59.068 --> 00:33:01.770
Something to kenneth, you know, then i want him to dialogue it
00:33:01.770 --> 00:33:05.507
Out, and he's like that was a lot, and i'm gonna go work that
00:33:05.507 --> 00:33:09.778
One out, and i might come back to you.
00:33:09.778 --> 00:33:13.015
And i'm like please do, i have so much more i could unpack,
00:33:13.015 --> 00:33:16.051
You know?
00:33:16.051 --> 00:33:17.386
And that, again, comes back to getting to know yourself and how
00:33:17.386 --> 00:33:20.322
You handle that.
00:33:20.322 --> 00:33:21.657
Actually, a lot of my criticism happened by leaders in the
00:33:21.657 --> 00:33:23.926
Church, and they didn't do it well.
00:33:23.926 --> 00:33:27.329
I realized that there's so many lies that come in as soon as i
00:33:27.329 --> 00:33:30.566
Hear a criticism, you know, about myself, you know, you're
00:33:30.566 --> 00:33:35.104
Not enough, you're too much.
00:33:35.104 --> 00:33:36.672
It's probably normally the second one, it feels like, you
00:33:36.672 --> 00:33:39.741
Know, and it's just like you're different, you're different than
00:33:39.741 --> 00:33:42.010
Everybody else in this room, you know, so you just start
00:33:42.010 --> 00:33:43.812
Rehearsing these lies.
00:33:43.812 --> 00:33:45.180
It's what typically happens, and so for me, i think those are
00:33:45.180 --> 00:33:48.417
Just tips that i am trying to, you know, continue to work
00:33:48.417 --> 00:33:53.188
Through, and it takes work.
00:33:53.188 --> 00:33:56.125
Sheila: how do we handle criticism?
00:33:56.125 --> 00:33:57.693
Well, to me, criticism has to be linked to relationship.
00:33:57.693 --> 00:34:01.363
If there's no relationship, like if somebody just comes up to me
00:34:01.363 --> 00:34:03.832
Out of the blue and says something about, you know, i
00:34:03.832 --> 00:34:06.168
Don't like the way you wear your hair, i don't like this or that,
00:34:06.168 --> 00:34:09.304
I usually i would just say, you know, acknowledge that, thank
00:34:09.304 --> 00:34:11.607
Them, but i don't pay any attention if i'm not connected.
00:34:11.607 --> 00:34:14.710
But if it's somebody that i'm in a relationship with, you know,
00:34:14.710 --> 00:34:17.246
Say it's barry, say it's my husband or my son, and they have
00:34:17.246 --> 00:34:20.449
Something to say to me that's hard to hear at first, i've
00:34:20.449 --> 00:34:23.886
Learned the difference between reacting and responding.
00:34:23.886 --> 00:34:27.289
Reacting happens immediately.
00:34:27.289 --> 00:34:28.924
It's like when somebody says something you don't like, you
00:34:28.924 --> 00:34:31.026
Immediately want to defend yourself, but i've learned to
00:34:31.026 --> 00:34:34.563
Pause and think about what they're saying.
00:34:34.563 --> 00:34:37.466
And particularly when--that's why i think relationship
00:34:37.466 --> 00:34:39.668
Matters, because when it's somebody who loves you, you can
00:34:39.668 --> 00:34:42.471
Think even though that's hard to hear, they love me, they're for
00:34:42.471 --> 00:34:45.607
Me, they want the best for me, and it's a great thing now.
00:34:45.607 --> 00:34:49.912
Barry is in some ways my greatest critic and yet in some
00:34:49.912 --> 00:34:53.482
Ways my greatest cheerleader, and i've learned so much from
00:34:53.482 --> 00:34:55.984
Him, because i know where his heart is.
00:34:55.984 --> 00:34:59.655
Announcer: let's keep the conversation going.
00:34:59.655 --> 00:35:01.890
You can find the "better together" podcast on your
00:35:01.890 --> 00:35:04.226
Favorite listening platform.
00:35:04.226 --> 00:35:06.061
Subscribe today.
00:35:06.061 --> 00:35:10.008
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00:35:10.008 --> 00:35:11.200
[music]
00:35:11.533 --> 00:35:13.969
Laurie: i think guys can be so direct, because they talk--my
00:35:13.969 --> 00:35:17.339
Husband is a communicator.
00:35:17.339 --> 00:35:19.208
He knows how to talk about things, and he instantly can
00:35:19.208 --> 00:35:21.977
Do it.
00:35:21.977 --> 00:35:23.312
And i said earlier this week that we broke up for a year, and
00:35:23.312 --> 00:35:28.083
It was because we did not communicate well, because he
00:35:28.083 --> 00:35:31.420
Could chew me up and spit me out before i even got a word out if
00:35:31.420 --> 00:35:35.023
He wanted to, and so i would clam up because i was like,
00:35:35.023 --> 00:35:38.927
Okay, what do i say?
00:35:38.927 --> 00:35:40.295
I've never really fought with my words before.
00:35:40.295 --> 00:35:43.565
You know, it didn't seem right, it didn't seem good, nothing
00:35:43.565 --> 00:35:46.969
Good is gonna come out of this, you know?
00:35:46.969 --> 00:35:48.904
Because i'm gonna say the wrong thing, and then he's so black
00:35:48.904 --> 00:35:51.707
And white that if i said something, then i meant that,
00:35:51.707 --> 00:35:54.743
And it's like no, no, no, no, no, and it was a runaway train.
00:35:54.743 --> 00:35:58.380
And so from the get-go, we did not communicate well, you know?
00:35:58.380 --> 00:36:03.285
And i learned that--because he'll now say you know how i
00:36:03.285 --> 00:36:08.257
Would say that?
00:36:08.257 --> 00:36:10.058
And that really helps me.
00:36:10.058 --> 00:36:11.393
Okay, how would you say that?
00:36:11.393 --> 00:36:12.761
I ask him now, how would you say that?
00:36:12.761 --> 00:36:15.097
You know how i feel, this is what i'm feeling, how would you
00:36:15.097 --> 00:36:19.568
Say that?
00:36:19.568 --> 00:36:20.902
You know, so i rely on him now to tell me how to communicate,
00:36:20.902 --> 00:36:26.575
But that's years in the making, baby.
00:36:26.575 --> 00:36:29.911
Deedee: that's so good, because i'm sitting here thinking like
00:36:29.911 --> 00:36:34.783
That is so mike.
00:36:34.783 --> 00:36:36.118
He will say you should have said, and i still--i don't like
00:36:36.118 --> 00:36:40.188
For him to say that.
00:36:40.188 --> 00:36:41.757
I'm like i said it the way that i wanted to say it.
00:36:41.757 --> 00:36:46.061
The beauty in, like, our relationship, we tell so much
00:36:46.061 --> 00:36:49.331
Stuff so it's never any pressure of not saying certain things,
00:36:49.331 --> 00:36:54.703
Because we always wanna give clues or information to help,
00:36:54.703 --> 00:37:00.342
You know, others not go through the stuff that we have gone
00:37:00.342 --> 00:37:03.845
Through, but our communication has changed over the years.
00:37:03.845 --> 00:37:08.216
I love that for you to say, hey, i stopped--because i do that, i
00:37:08.216 --> 00:37:12.287
Have to say, okay, he loves me, he's on my side, he really is
00:37:12.287 --> 00:37:16.692
For me.
00:37:16.692 --> 00:37:18.060
You know, when he's communicating with me, i have to
00:37:18.060 --> 00:37:20.262
Hear it through that lens, because if not, i'll see him how
00:37:20.262 --> 00:37:24.232
He was, you know, years ago, and i'll never get the results that
00:37:24.232 --> 00:37:29.671
He's trying to, you know, get me to have right then, so i think
00:37:29.671 --> 00:37:33.375
That is so good.
00:37:33.375 --> 00:37:34.710
Irini: because you'll make your spouse whatever person that hurt
00:37:34.710 --> 00:37:38.280
You, so that leader, that--you know, maybe it's a person in
00:37:38.280 --> 00:37:42.684
Your family, maybe it was your mom, maybe it was your father,
00:37:42.684 --> 00:37:45.087
Maybe it was him, maybe it was that earlier version.
00:37:45.087 --> 00:37:47.656
I mean, all of those things, you'll--that's what you see in
00:37:47.656 --> 00:37:51.026
That moment.
00:37:51.026 --> 00:37:52.461
Like dr. richey was saying, you're never--it's not really
00:37:52.461 --> 00:37:54.663
About the moment that you're in it's, you know, it's taking you
00:37:54.663 --> 00:37:57.733
Back, you know, to something else.
00:37:57.733 --> 00:38:00.802
Irini: i'm just--i'm a real honest person, and that means if
00:38:00.802 --> 00:38:04.639
You're gonna be a real honest person, you know, like i'm just
00:38:04.639 --> 00:38:06.808
Gonna call it like it is, i'm gonna say it, but it matters how
00:38:06.808 --> 00:38:10.178
I say it, when i say it.
00:38:10.178 --> 00:38:12.614
You know, like dumping everything at the end of the
00:38:12.614 --> 00:38:14.983
Day, yeah, well, i'd like to tell you this, you know?
00:38:14.983 --> 00:38:16.918
But being able to be honest about the little things, because
00:38:16.918 --> 00:38:19.388
I think it's the little things that start--song of solomon
00:38:19.388 --> 00:38:22.491
Talks about catch the little foxes, and i just think it's
00:38:22.491 --> 00:38:25.127
Like those little foxes that start eating away at the vine
00:38:25.127 --> 00:38:27.529
That you're not paying attention to because you're looking for,
00:38:27.529 --> 00:38:30.565
You know, it to amount to something bigger, and so that to
00:38:30.565 --> 00:38:33.835
Me, being honest, but picking and choosing how am i--you
00:38:33.835 --> 00:38:38.273
Know, what am i gonna say?
00:38:38.273 --> 00:38:40.409
And can i receive it back?
00:38:40.409 --> 00:38:43.111
Because once you open that honesty flow, like it's
00:38:43.111 --> 00:38:45.447
Happening both ways, yeah, well, you know, can i receive it back
00:38:45.447 --> 00:38:48.884
From my husband to be honest with me about some places that i
00:38:48.884 --> 00:38:51.720
Can work on as well.
00:38:51.720 --> 00:38:54.189
Irini: kenneth and i were--it doesn't often happen, because we
00:38:54.189 --> 00:38:58.293
Work in two totally different fields of work, but we were in a
00:38:58.293 --> 00:39:02.397
Church meeting together, which was just hilarious, and so the--
00:39:02.397 --> 00:39:06.435
But he and i sparse really well, and what i love about him is
00:39:06.435 --> 00:39:09.771
That he allows me to be strong, like that he doesn't--like he
00:39:09.771 --> 00:39:14.409
Has room for my strength.
00:39:14.409 --> 00:39:15.744
Deedee: he's not trying to break you.
00:39:15.744 --> 00:39:17.112
Irini: right, and there's just a beauty in that, we really do
00:39:17.112 --> 00:39:19.080
Sharpen each other.
00:39:19.080 --> 00:39:20.449
It is highly uncomfortable for other people, because they're
00:39:20.449 --> 00:39:23.318
Not used to being able like that means something's wrong in your
00:39:23.318 --> 00:39:27.422
Marriage as opposed to saying that it actually can mean that
00:39:27.422 --> 00:39:31.259
There's health.
00:39:31.259 --> 00:39:32.627
If your spouse can actually say something to you and that you
00:39:32.627 --> 00:39:36.898
Guys can, you know, like the very fact that your spouse cares
00:39:36.898 --> 00:39:41.803
To tell you something to work on means that they thought about
00:39:41.803 --> 00:39:45.340
You, that they carved out time to say something to you,
00:39:45.340 --> 00:39:48.643
I mean--
00:39:48.643 --> 00:39:50.011
Angie: you know i don't normally.
00:39:50.011 --> 00:39:51.346
Irini: yeah, that, and then they're not gonna work on
00:39:51.346 --> 00:39:52.948
Something that they don't think is a valuable investment.
00:39:52.948 --> 00:39:55.851
Angie: no, i guess i would say bring it.
00:39:55.851 --> 00:39:58.954
Like, how do we handle constructive criticism?
00:39:58.954 --> 00:40:01.189
If you have a growth mindset, you welcome it.
00:40:01.189 --> 00:40:04.893
But if there isn't trust, and if there is some like root of like
00:40:04.893 --> 00:40:10.131
Some wound, you're not going to receive it.
00:40:10.131 --> 00:40:11.600
But i've only improved by listening to constructive
00:40:11.600 --> 00:40:15.237
Criticism, whether it's my spouse or with an employee.
00:40:15.237 --> 00:40:19.040
And dr. irini, i mean, that's why you--i mean, you're where
00:40:19.040 --> 00:40:22.511
You're at is because you're willing to be coached by your
00:40:22.511 --> 00:40:26.948
Spouse as you coach him.
00:40:26.948 --> 00:40:28.383
My husband said something to me a couple weeks--three weeks ago
00:40:28.383 --> 00:40:32.153
That was--he was giving me some advice, and some of the advice
00:40:32.153 --> 00:40:36.324
He was giving me, i thought, well, why don't you apply that
00:40:36.324 --> 00:40:38.727
To you?
00:40:38.727 --> 00:40:40.061
[laughing]
00:40:40.061 --> 00:40:41.429
Laurie: well, if the shoe fits, buy it.
00:40:41.429 --> 00:40:43.732
Angie: and i understood his heart, but he was looking at me
00:40:43.732 --> 00:40:47.235
As like, where--what i'm doing, what my life looks like, and as
00:40:47.235 --> 00:40:51.039
I kind of process it, i went into psychological self-soothing
00:40:51.039 --> 00:40:54.309
And began to get into why his mind and like, okay, how am i
00:40:54.309 --> 00:40:57.779
Going to receive this?
00:40:57.779 --> 00:40:59.114
Do i want to say something?
00:40:59.114 --> 00:41:00.482
And i let it simmer for about a week, and i was like you
00:41:00.482 --> 00:41:03.118
Know what?
00:41:03.118 --> 00:41:04.653
As my coach, let's distance it.
00:41:04.653 --> 00:41:06.955
If he wasn't my spouse, he's just a coach, he's 100% right.
00:41:06.955 --> 00:41:10.992
He's 100% right.
00:41:10.992 --> 00:41:12.360
And i would just say, i think that--i think, carolyn, if you
00:41:12.360 --> 00:41:15.730
Can receive it and learn from it and embrace it, i think you're
00:41:15.730 --> 00:41:21.403
Going to expand.
00:41:21.403 --> 00:41:23.071
You're going to expand.
00:41:23.071 --> 00:41:24.406
Laurie: okay, one more quick question.
00:41:24.406 --> 00:41:26.074
How do you confront the bitterness and resentment that
00:41:26.074 --> 00:41:29.010
Can build up over time over little things in marriage?
00:41:29.010 --> 00:41:31.813
What does it really take to stop that cycle and start falling
00:41:31.813 --> 00:41:35.250
Back in love when it feels almost impossible?
00:41:35.250 --> 00:41:39.721
Deedee: i think your focus, though.
00:41:39.721 --> 00:41:41.623
It's like start focusing on the positive, because every moment
00:41:41.623 --> 00:41:47.462
Is not bad, every moment is not bitter, every moment is
00:41:47.462 --> 00:41:52.534
Not challenging.
00:41:52.534 --> 00:41:53.868
If it was, most of the time they're not gonna be there
00:41:53.868 --> 00:41:56.571
Anyway, so if they can just redirect their focus to focus on
00:41:56.571 --> 00:42:02.043
What is positive and stop magnifying all of the
00:42:02.043 --> 00:42:05.580
Little stuff.
00:42:05.580 --> 00:42:06.915
I think that's one of the things that i had to do.
00:42:06.915 --> 00:42:08.850
It was like i was so focused on everything that was going bad,
00:42:08.850 --> 00:42:12.354
And it wasn't even as bad--
00:42:12.354 --> 00:42:14.022
When you take your focus off of it, and you look back, you're
00:42:14.022 --> 00:42:16.992
Like, oh, that wasn't even that major but you gave us so
00:42:16.992 --> 00:42:20.996
Much time.
00:42:20.996 --> 00:42:22.330
I think in one of the shows we talked about--you talked about,
00:42:22.330 --> 00:42:24.265
Laurie, it's like the time we have wasted.
00:42:24.265 --> 00:42:27.902
It's like the moments that we have been robbed of, and i think
00:42:27.902 --> 00:42:33.308
As the older i get, i realize that i have less time ahead of
00:42:33.308 --> 00:42:39.047
Me than i, you know, had behind me, so it's like now i don't
00:42:39.047 --> 00:42:44.386
Wanna focus on all of this stuff that doesn't really
00:42:44.386 --> 00:42:48.590
Matter, right?
00:42:48.590 --> 00:42:49.924
So, whatever you focus on will grow, it will expand.
00:42:49.924 --> 00:42:53.728
That's why the scripture talks about when god says, "o magnify
00:42:53.728 --> 00:42:57.732
The lord with me."
00:42:57.732 --> 00:42:59.234
Why are we magnifying him?
00:42:59.234 --> 00:43:00.769
We magnify him, and then the smaller everything else, you
00:43:00.769 --> 00:43:05.407
Know, outside of him will become.
00:43:05.407 --> 00:43:07.742
Sheila: and embrace the gift of forgiveness too.
00:43:07.742 --> 00:43:10.111
We want life to be fair, but as i said to my son when he was
00:43:10.111 --> 00:43:13.181
Growing up, fair doesn't live here, but jesus does and
00:43:13.181 --> 00:43:17.018
Forgiveness is god's gift to us to live in a world that's
00:43:17.018 --> 00:43:19.688
Not fair.
00:43:19.688 --> 00:43:21.923
Laurie: i think we wake up every day with a choice.
00:43:21.923 --> 00:43:24.426
We can love our spouse, or we don't.
00:43:24.426 --> 00:43:27.462
That's kind of a choice that we get to make every day.
00:43:27.462 --> 00:43:30.398
I had someone very close to me say one day, talking about his
00:43:30.398 --> 00:43:34.602
Wife, he said, "i know how to push her buttons."
00:43:34.602 --> 00:43:38.139
And it caught me off guard and i thought, push her buttons?
00:43:38.139 --> 00:43:40.909
Why would you want to push her buttons?
00:43:40.909 --> 00:43:43.611
Why would you want to do that?
00:43:43.611 --> 00:43:44.946
But i think a lot of times we get in this fussy thing, we're
00:43:44.946 --> 00:43:49.718
Seeing the negative, we're always looking for something to
00:43:49.718 --> 00:43:52.087
Fight about, and i think that's a real thing, and we are--we
00:43:52.087 --> 00:43:56.491
Get ungrateful, we get unthankful for what god has
00:43:56.491 --> 00:44:00.829
Given to us of what we have in a beautiful wife or a wonderful
00:44:00.829 --> 00:44:05.366
Husband, and we start getting nitpicky at little things.
00:44:05.366 --> 00:44:08.937
You need to stop doing that.
00:44:08.937 --> 00:44:10.538
As a mom, i'm going to tell you, you need to stop doing that.
00:44:10.538 --> 00:44:14.609
Start looking for the good, start pointing out the good.
00:44:14.609 --> 00:44:17.812
Ask god to help you do that.
00:44:17.812 --> 00:44:20.014
He will help you do that.
00:44:20.014 --> 00:44:21.649
He will help you see the good instead of the negative.
00:44:21.649 --> 00:44:25.086
You're not alone.
00:44:25.086 --> 00:44:26.654
He will help you do that.
00:44:26.654 --> 00:44:29.224
He will help you love well.
00:44:29.224 --> 00:44:31.493
All you have to do is ask him, say, god, instead of just all
00:44:31.493 --> 00:44:35.663
The negativity and all that i see is all the bad, let me start
00:44:35.663 --> 00:44:39.968
Becoming thankful and grateful.
00:44:39.968 --> 00:44:42.370
Change your attitude, start being grateful.
00:44:42.370 --> 00:44:44.873
God, i thank you for my--
00:44:44.873 --> 00:44:46.241
When they leave for work, god, i just bless him today in his
00:44:46.241 --> 00:44:50.111
Work situation.
00:44:50.111 --> 00:44:51.713
I pray that the desires of his heart is fulfilled today.
00:44:51.713 --> 00:44:55.183
God, i bless him with my mouth.
00:44:55.183 --> 00:44:57.352
I pray a blessing over my family, over my household.
00:44:57.352 --> 00:45:00.655
Let this be a temple of peace, of joy, of love when he
00:45:00.655 --> 00:45:07.262
Comes in.
00:45:07.262 --> 00:45:08.630
When he steps back into this house, god, it is just filled
00:45:08.630 --> 00:45:11.599
With your love and your grace.
00:45:11.599 --> 00:45:13.535
You start praying like that, it's gonna happen for you.
00:45:13.535 --> 00:45:16.271
God is not setting you up to fail.
00:45:16.271 --> 00:45:18.740
God is for you, he's for your marriage.
00:45:18.740 --> 00:45:22.644
Be committed to what you've committed yourself to.
00:45:22.644 --> 00:45:27.182
Irini: and i was just thinking, a lot of the things that have
00:45:27.182 --> 00:45:29.150
Made me bitter and resentful, whether it's been in marriage or
00:45:29.150 --> 00:45:33.555
In church or in people, are things that i've judged, and
00:45:33.555 --> 00:45:38.760
When you judge, you've now made a personal attachment.
00:45:38.760 --> 00:45:42.730
You've literally--and what i saw was almost like a soul tie
00:45:42.730 --> 00:45:45.333
To that, and so what i recognized, i can't get over it
00:45:45.333 --> 00:45:49.537
Because i'm all tied up in knots from all these things that i've
00:45:49.537 --> 00:45:51.773
Judged in our marriage, you didn't do this right, this isn't
00:45:51.773 --> 00:45:53.608
Right, this didn't meet this expectation, and so i'm
00:45:53.608 --> 00:45:56.778
Literally trying to function if you can imagine like strings
00:45:56.778 --> 00:45:59.781
Coming out and attached to all these moments, and it's like,
00:45:59.781 --> 00:46:02.851
You know, god, forgive me for this--what i've spoken over
00:46:02.851 --> 00:46:07.188
That, forgive me for my judgment for this, forgive me for--you
00:46:07.188 --> 00:46:09.691
Know, i just literally i'm trying to cut the ties into this
00:46:09.691 --> 00:46:13.695
And then bless, you know?
00:46:13.695 --> 00:46:15.463
It's like and i bless my marriage, i bless the--you
00:46:15.463 --> 00:46:18.933
Know, because those things-- each of those moments that you
00:46:18.933 --> 00:46:21.903
Have i think are--that you're triggered is an opportunity that
00:46:21.903 --> 00:46:25.974
God wants you to deal with it, and so--and heal it.
00:46:25.974 --> 00:46:28.643
Laurie: i think we all just need to do this, just let it go.
00:46:28.643 --> 00:46:33.181
Father, today i just thank you for this beautiful week that
00:46:33.181 --> 00:46:35.984
We've had, god, that it's been some hard talk and some good
00:46:35.984 --> 00:46:40.922
Talk about how we should respond, how we should act, how
00:46:40.922 --> 00:46:45.226
We should care, how we should love, but god, it all starts
00:46:45.226 --> 00:46:48.930
With giving you everything of our lives.
00:46:48.930 --> 00:46:51.432
So, god, we just release to you our lives, we ask for
00:46:51.432 --> 00:46:56.604
Forgiveness, we ask that you create in us a clean heart,
00:46:56.604 --> 00:47:01.376
Renew a right spirit, renew inside of us, god, exactly the
00:47:01.376 --> 00:47:06.781
Spirit that we should have.
00:47:06.781 --> 00:47:08.149
God, you've got our lives in your hands.
00:47:08.149 --> 00:47:10.885
We trust in you.
00:47:10.885 --> 00:47:12.220
You are a faithful god, so god, i pray that you open our eyes
00:47:12.220 --> 00:47:16.124
And let us see and be thankful and be grateful for everything
00:47:16.124 --> 00:47:20.595
That you've done for us.
00:47:20.595 --> 00:47:22.263
Thank you for the men in our lives.
00:47:22.263 --> 00:47:24.332
God, we bless them.
00:47:24.332 --> 00:47:26.067
Let us see them the way that you've created them to be.
00:47:26.067 --> 00:47:29.404
God, i thank you that your word is a lamp into our feet and a
00:47:29.404 --> 00:47:32.941
Light into our path.
00:47:32.941 --> 00:47:34.275
We do have a guidebook, god, to do what you've said and what
00:47:34.275 --> 00:47:37.779
You've called us to do, god, and i thank you for the sanctity
00:47:37.779 --> 00:47:41.015
Of marriage.
00:47:41.015 --> 00:47:42.350
I bless every marriage.
00:47:42.350 --> 00:47:44.485
Every person that is in marriage, right now, god, i
00:47:44.485 --> 00:47:48.222
Bless their lives.
00:47:48.222 --> 00:47:49.991
God, we believe with them, we stand with them, god, for
00:47:49.991 --> 00:47:55.029
Absolute restoration, for forgiveness, god, that the
00:47:55.029 --> 00:48:00.468
Bitterness is gone, the resentment is gone, god, and we
00:48:00.468 --> 00:48:04.272
Just give you our hearts today in full, god, and we believe
00:48:04.272 --> 00:48:07.909
For miracles.
00:48:07.909 --> 00:48:09.243
God, you are the god of the impossible.
00:48:09.243 --> 00:48:12.313
You do things that we cannot do by ourselves.
00:48:12.313 --> 00:48:15.984
We need you, holy spirit, so we trust in you to lead us and to
00:48:15.984 --> 00:48:20.455
Guide us.
00:48:20.455 --> 00:48:21.823
Let us be slow to speak and quick to hear, god, full of
00:48:21.823 --> 00:48:25.827
Grace and full of mercy, lord, and i thank you for this
00:48:25.827 --> 00:48:29.697
Beautiful team, this beautiful community, god, that we get to
00:48:29.697 --> 00:48:34.502
Believe well together, we get to trust god together, we get to
00:48:34.502 --> 00:48:39.107
Hold each other's hands up, god, and believe well for our sisters
00:48:39.107 --> 00:48:42.877
And our brothers out there that are standing in faith, believing
00:48:42.877 --> 00:48:46.314
For you to do something mighty through them, mighty in them,
00:48:46.314 --> 00:48:51.085
Mighty in their families, god, children restored, marriages
00:48:51.085 --> 00:48:55.723
Being restored, family returning.
00:48:55.723 --> 00:48:57.692
God, we just believe you.
00:48:57.692 --> 00:48:59.460
I bless them in your precious and holy name, amen.
00:48:59.460 --> 00:49:03.031
Deedee: amen.
00:49:03.031 --> 00:49:05.900
Announcer: connect with us on social media and let us know how
00:49:05.900 --> 00:49:08.336
Our team can pray for you.
00:49:08.336 --> 00:49:11.973
Irini: colossians 3:14, "and above all these put on love,
00:49:11.973 --> 00:49:16.611
Which binds everything together in perfect harmony."
00:49:16.611 --> 00:49:20.681
You know, when you're reading scriptures, and you can look at
00:49:20.681 --> 00:49:23.551
This, and you're like, yes, put on love, but the realities are
00:49:23.551 --> 00:49:27.088
That there are just times when you don't feel like putting
00:49:27.088 --> 00:49:31.025
On love.
00:49:31.025 --> 00:49:32.360
But i think that's when it's important to remember that it's
00:49:32.360 --> 00:49:34.529
Not about how i'm feeling, that's what--
00:49:34.529 --> 00:49:36.497
God's truth in his word is a plumb line.
00:49:36.497 --> 00:49:39.067
It says.
00:49:39.067 --> 00:49:40.468
Above all these, that means even my feelings, all these, all the
00:49:40.468 --> 00:49:44.105
These, all the feels, all the buts, and have you thought
00:49:44.105 --> 00:49:49.010
About this?
00:49:49.010 --> 00:49:50.378
The lord's saying, hey, above all these, put on love, when you
00:49:50.378 --> 00:49:53.548
Don't feel like it, when it's hard, because love isn't an
00:49:53.548 --> 00:49:56.984
Emotion, it's a choice.
00:49:56.984 --> 00:49:59.053
And when i choose to say i'm gonna love you even though this
00:49:59.053 --> 00:50:01.756
Is hard, i'm gonna love you even when i don't feel like it, i'm
00:50:01.756 --> 00:50:05.293
Gonna love you, i'm gonna keep loving you, and i think there's
00:50:05.293 --> 00:50:08.629
A big connection between being able to give that to others
00:50:08.629 --> 00:50:12.467
Because i've actually received that kind of love from the lord,
00:50:12.467 --> 00:50:15.503
And if i haven't received that kind of love from the lord, it
00:50:15.503 --> 00:50:17.839
Is really hard for me to give it out to others, and so it's
00:50:17.839 --> 00:50:22.043
Critical, because you need something that's above all
00:50:22.043 --> 00:50:25.079
These, because life and marriage is gonna give you all these
00:50:25.079 --> 00:50:28.449
Things, and god's saying, "hey, i've given you the key to it,
00:50:28.449 --> 00:50:31.519
And it's love."
00:50:31.519 --> 00:50:34.122
Announcer: stream full episodes of "better together" on demand.
00:50:34.122 --> 00:50:37.925
Go to bettertogether.tv to stream all
00:50:37.925 --> 00:50:40.361
Of our latest conversations.
00:50:40.361 --> 00:50:42.396
[music]
00:50:43.598 --> 00:50:43.598

Honest Answers About Marriage | Better Together Episode 1145

February 13, 2026 | S8 E1145 | 50:59

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