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Better Together

Marriage by God's Design | Better Together Episode 1141

February 9, 2026 | S8 E1141 | 50:59

Marriage by God's Design | Better Together Episode 1141
Marriage is meant to reflect Jesus’ selfless, unconditional love. While two are better than one, marriage was never meant to replace God as our source of fulfillment. Feelings shift and beauty fades, but hearts anchored in Christ remain secure. | TBN Prayer Line: 714-731-1000
#Marriage #Love #Single #Relationships #Unity #Jesus #Faith #Forgiveness #PersonalStory #Grace #LaurieCrouch #SheilaWalsh #DeeDeeFreeman

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Better Together | Marriage by God's Design | Better Together Episode 1141 | February 9, 2026
  • - marriage is a gift from god.
  • 00:00:01.580 --> 00:00:03.549
  • The holy union of a man and a woman is designed to be a
  • 00:00:03.549 --> 00:00:06.585
  • Reflection of god's grace and love.
  • 00:00:06.585 --> 00:00:09.288
  • Together we're called to fulfill his purpose on this earth, so
  • 00:00:09.288 --> 00:00:12.624
  • Come on, let's talk about it.
  • 00:00:12.624 --> 00:00:13.826
  • ♪ (music playing) ♪
  • 00:00:13.826 --> 00:00:41.487
  • - so let me go back to the first year.
  • 00:00:42.387 --> 00:00:44.423
  • We were married in december, the 13th of december.
  • 00:00:44.423 --> 00:00:46.058
  • We were married in charleston, south carolina.
  • 00:00:46.058 --> 00:00:48.994
  • And it was beautiful.
  • 00:00:48.994 --> 00:00:50.429
  • It snowed when we were taking the carriage ride to the
  • 00:00:50.429 --> 00:00:53.732
  • Reception hall.
  • 00:00:53.732 --> 00:00:54.500
  • It was so, so pretty.
  • 00:00:54.500 --> 00:00:56.435
  • And at that point, barry and i were living in california.
  • 00:00:56.435 --> 00:00:58.604
  • And i thought, this is amazing.
  • 00:00:58.604 --> 00:01:00.239
  • Our first christmas together.
  • 00:01:00.239 --> 00:01:01.874
  • I mean, i was so excited.
  • 00:01:01.874 --> 00:01:03.275
  • And i said to him, i really want a real tree.
  • 00:01:03.275 --> 00:01:05.611
  • And he's like, well, we don't know, real trees are not good
  • 00:01:05.611 --> 00:01:07.846
  • Because they'll all the needles, and i'll be like, i know, but
  • 00:01:07.846 --> 00:01:10.616
  • They smell better.
  • 00:01:10.616 --> 00:01:11.517
  • He said, well, i'll buy you a smell.
  • 00:01:11.517 --> 00:01:12.885
  • Buy me a smell.
  • 00:01:12.885 --> 00:01:14.620
  • So we end up it was an artificial tree.
  • 00:01:14.620 --> 00:01:17.389
  • And the night i'm coming to decorate everything, i was just
  • 00:01:17.389 --> 00:01:20.926
  • Hanging ornaments wherever i thought they look good.
  • 00:01:20.926 --> 00:01:23.662
  • And barry said to me, and i quote, "these are not
  • 00:01:23.662 --> 00:01:27.065
  • Equidistant." - equidistant.
  • 00:01:27.065 --> 00:01:29.868
  • - so what do you mean?
  • 00:01:29.868 --> 00:01:30.903
  • He said, that one's like two inches apart.
  • 00:01:30.903 --> 00:01:34.406
  • That was probably four and a half.
  • 00:01:34.406 --> 00:01:36.141
  • He went and got a tape measure.
  • 00:01:36.141 --> 00:01:37.943
  • Oh, no.
  • 00:01:37.943 --> 00:01:39.411
  • And i went to the bathroom and i was like, lord, what did i get
  • 00:01:39.411 --> 00:01:42.948
  • Into? what did i do?
  • 00:01:42.948 --> 00:01:44.449
  • It was just like crazy, absolutely crazy, because i
  • 00:01:44.449 --> 00:01:47.986
  • Thought, this is awful.
  • 00:01:47.986 --> 00:01:49.621
  • So fast forward to last night, 31 years down the line, a few
  • 00:01:49.621 --> 00:01:58.063
  • Weeks ago, barry is like, don't you think it'd be great if we
  • 00:01:58.063 --> 00:02:00.265
  • Had a nativity scene in our yard?
  • 00:02:00.265 --> 00:02:02.234
  • And i said, well, remember, we don't have a very big yard.
  • 00:02:02.234 --> 00:02:05.270
  • We're in a lovely town home, but it's a fairly small yard.
  • 00:02:05.270 --> 00:02:08.307
  • And he was like, well, you can get ones that aren't huge.
  • 00:02:08.307 --> 00:02:11.510
  • And he said, because last year we put nutcrackers out, and that
  • 00:02:11.510 --> 00:02:14.112
  • Really doesn't say anything about the real meaning
  • 00:02:14.112 --> 00:02:16.048
  • Of christmas.
  • 00:02:16.048 --> 00:02:17.249
  • And i was like, well, okay, just don't get a big one.
  • 00:02:17.249 --> 00:02:19.117
  • And so he was looking through them all.
  • 00:02:19.117 --> 00:02:21.053
  • And then he said, oh, and they also have the wise men.
  • 00:02:21.053 --> 00:02:24.122
  • And i'm like, okay, no wise man.
  • 00:02:24.122 --> 00:02:26.024
  • - right, you got to put them down the road.
  • 00:02:26.024 --> 00:02:27.392
  • - yeah, they're not coming for two years anyway.
  • 00:02:27.392 --> 00:02:29.494
  • So, i was gone for the day and i came back.
  • 00:02:29.494 --> 00:02:32.364
  • And there's the mary, joseph, and the baby.
  • 00:02:32.364 --> 00:02:35.267
  • And i mean, they're nice.
  • 00:02:35.267 --> 00:02:36.602
  • They're a little bigger than i would have liked, but they're
  • 00:02:36.602 --> 00:02:38.971
  • Okay, kind of back.
  • 00:02:38.971 --> 00:02:41.707
  • But then there's the three wise men.
  • 00:02:41.707 --> 00:02:43.775
  • He must have got them from a different company because they
  • 00:02:43.775 --> 00:02:46.645
  • Are not in proportion to mary.
  • 00:02:46.645 --> 00:02:48.714
  • I mean, it's like they're huge.
  • 00:02:48.714 --> 00:02:51.116
  • And i remember standing outside looking and thinking, our
  • 00:02:51.116 --> 00:02:54.353
  • Neighbors are just going to think we've completely
  • 00:02:54.353 --> 00:02:56.888
  • Lost the plot.
  • 00:02:56.888 --> 00:02:58.190
  • And i remember this thought crossed my mind, thinking back
  • 00:02:58.190 --> 00:03:01.059
  • To that first christmas, and i thought, you know what, nothing
  • 00:03:01.059 --> 00:03:04.263
  • Has changed.
  • 00:03:04.263 --> 00:03:06.131
  • And then i thought, you know what, that's not true.
  • 00:03:06.131 --> 00:03:07.966
  • Everything has changed.
  • 00:03:07.966 --> 00:03:12.437
  • Because back then, anything that was unusual or that i didn't
  • 00:03:10.202 --> 00:03:17.576
  • Understand, i brought so much baggage from my past into our
  • 00:03:17.576 --> 00:03:21.680
  • Marriage.
  • 00:03:21.680 --> 00:03:22.981
  • You know, my father was violent before he died by suicide.
  • 00:03:22.981 --> 00:03:25.484
  • And so i had so much baggage i'd never dealt with.
  • 00:03:25.484 --> 00:03:29.321
  • And so if barry did something that seemed even vaguely
  • 00:03:29.321 --> 00:03:32.257
  • Threatening to me, i loaded all that baggage onto it.
  • 00:03:32.257 --> 00:03:35.460
  • I remember somebody asking me why in the first year of
  • 00:03:35.460 --> 00:03:38.964
  • Marriage, that if i'm driving with anybody else driving in the
  • 00:03:38.964 --> 00:03:42.434
  • Car and find barry's driving, i think i'm going to crash.
  • 00:03:42.434 --> 00:03:45.937
  • Because i had this thing from when i was a kid, that the
  • 00:03:45.937 --> 00:03:49.274
  • Person who's closest to you is the one who is most likely to
  • 00:03:49.274 --> 00:03:51.810
  • Take your life.
  • 00:03:51.810 --> 00:03:53.078
  • And so last night, sitting by the edge of our lake, just
  • 00:03:53.078 --> 00:03:57.449
  • Reflecting on the goodness of god in terms of what it means to
  • 00:03:57.449 --> 00:04:02.220
  • Build a strong marriage.
  • 00:04:02.220 --> 00:04:03.555
  • And i know this is the most predictable passage, but i love
  • 00:04:03.555 --> 00:04:07.559
  • It so much.
  • 00:04:07.559 --> 00:04:08.894
  • When paul wrote to the church in corinth, he gets, you know,
  • 00:04:08.894 --> 00:04:13.865
  • Corinthians 13, love is patient and kind, love is not jealous or
  • 00:04:13.865 --> 00:04:19.137
  • Boastful or proud or rude.
  • 00:04:19.137 --> 00:04:21.006
  • It does not demand its own way, it is not irritable.
  • 00:04:21.006 --> 00:04:25.444
  • But here's the thing that really, and it keeps no records
  • 00:04:25.444 --> 00:04:29.981
  • Of being wronged.
  • 00:04:29.981 --> 00:04:31.249
  • I had to sit with that for a while because i thought, you
  • 00:04:31.249 --> 00:04:34.453
  • Know what?
  • 00:04:34.453 --> 00:04:35.787
  • One of the keys to me of a good marriage, because i have to say,
  • 00:04:35.787 --> 00:04:38.890
  • I love barry more today than i did when we were first married.
  • 00:04:38.890 --> 00:04:41.693
  • And it's a deeper thing, but a lot of it came through letting
  • 00:04:41.693 --> 00:04:47.232
  • Go and forgiveness and asking for forgiveness.
  • 00:04:47.232 --> 00:04:51.036
  • But it made me think i was so glad we were doing it this week,
  • 00:04:51.036 --> 00:04:54.039
  • I thought gosh lord you brought us such a long way cause when i
  • 00:04:54.039 --> 00:04:57.342
  • Thought back to the first couple of years, there were so many
  • 00:04:57.342 --> 00:05:00.312
  • Times where i felt lord what have i done, what have i done?
  • 00:05:00.312 --> 00:05:02.114
  • This is not going to work, this is not going to work.
  • 00:05:02.114 --> 00:05:05.550
  • And then realizing when you have two people who both bring their
  • 00:05:05.550 --> 00:05:08.854
  • Baggage, who both bring their stuff, but are able to bring in
  • 00:05:08.854 --> 00:05:12.657
  • The presence of the lord, because that's what i've
  • 00:05:12.657 --> 00:05:14.893
  • Discovered in my life.
  • 00:05:14.893 --> 00:05:16.428
  • Sometimes when i think i want answers, what i really want is
  • 00:05:16.428 --> 00:05:19.598
  • The presence of the lord.
  • 00:05:19.598 --> 00:05:21.266
  • Because in the presence of the lord, things are clearer and
  • 00:05:21.266 --> 00:05:24.936
  • What matters matters and what doesn't matter.
  • 00:05:24.936 --> 00:05:28.707
  • Got to let go.
  • 00:05:28.707 --> 00:05:30.942
  • One of the most challenging passages on love is found in 1st
  • 00:05:30.942 --> 00:05:34.146
  • Corinthians chapter 13.
  • 00:05:34.146 --> 00:05:36.014
  • And it talks about all the different things that love is.
  • 00:05:36.014 --> 00:05:38.984
  • But one of the things that it says that it's not is, he says
  • 00:05:38.984 --> 00:05:41.653
  • Love keeps no record of wrongs.
  • 00:05:41.653 --> 00:05:43.955
  • I had to underline that in my bible because i was very good at
  • 00:05:43.955 --> 00:05:47.426
  • Keeping record of wrongs.
  • 00:05:47.426 --> 00:05:48.927
  • You know, if barry did something and then said he would never do
  • 00:05:48.927 --> 00:05:51.663
  • It again and then did it again, i was like, well, you know, do
  • 00:05:51.663 --> 00:05:54.032
  • You remember what you did?
  • 00:05:54.032 --> 00:05:55.367
  • And then i realized, you know what, that's not what god does
  • 00:05:55.367 --> 00:05:57.202
  • With us.
  • 00:05:57.202 --> 00:05:58.470
  • When we come to god and we confess our sin, scripture tells
  • 00:05:58.470 --> 00:06:01.306
  • Us, he removes it as far as the east is from the west, and he
  • 00:06:01.306 --> 00:06:04.709
  • Remembers it no more.
  • 00:06:04.709 --> 00:06:06.344
  • So if you're having a hard time with it, write god a letter,
  • 00:06:06.344 --> 00:06:10.215
  • Pour it all out, take it all out in the presence of the lord, and
  • 00:06:10.215 --> 00:06:13.652
  • Then let it go.
  • 00:06:13.652 --> 00:06:15.454
  • What was it like for all of you in the first years of marriage,
  • 00:06:15.454 --> 00:06:18.457
  • And how has that evolved over the years?
  • 00:06:18.457 --> 00:06:22.027
  • - it's always funny how different couples are, you know,
  • 00:06:22.027 --> 00:06:25.197
  • And there's differences and couples, but typically within a
  • 00:06:25.197 --> 00:06:28.667
  • Couple, they're normally not the same.
  • 00:06:28.667 --> 00:06:31.436
  • You didn't marry yourself, but somehow you're trying to convert
  • 00:06:31.436 --> 00:06:34.973
  • Them into yourself.
  • 00:06:34.973 --> 00:06:35.941
  • Like, there's something.
  • 00:06:35.941 --> 00:06:37.642
  • And so i am verbal, i love to think out loud.
  • 00:06:37.642 --> 00:06:40.011
  • My husband does not think out loud.
  • 00:06:40.011 --> 00:06:43.582
  • So, like, literally, if you ask a question, he'll just sit there
  • 00:06:43.582 --> 00:06:48.086
  • And he's thinking about it, and i'm like, well, i mean, at least
  • 00:06:48.086 --> 00:06:51.289
  • Give me a segue.
  • 00:06:51.289 --> 00:06:52.290
  • Like, are you thinking of something?
  • 00:06:52.290 --> 00:06:53.825
  • Did you hear me?
  • 00:06:53.825 --> 00:06:55.193
  • You know, did you just like tap your head, tell me you got the
  • 00:06:55.193 --> 00:06:57.229
  • Call or something, you know?
  • 00:06:57.229 --> 00:06:58.930
  • And he's like, oh, okay, you know.
  • 00:06:58.930 --> 00:07:00.765
  • And we grew up in different households, too.
  • 00:07:00.765 --> 00:07:03.435
  • And so, like, my, i'm egyptian.
  • 00:07:03.435 --> 00:07:05.270
  • And so we are loud.
  • 00:07:05.270 --> 00:07:07.405
  • My dad says we're passionate.
  • 00:07:07.405 --> 00:07:09.508
  • We're just a passionate people.
  • 00:07:09.508 --> 00:07:11.676
  • But everything's on the outside.
  • 00:07:11.676 --> 00:07:13.245
  • And so i knew that.
  • 00:07:13.245 --> 00:07:14.646
  • Like, everything was vocal, you know if someone in my family is
  • 00:07:14.646 --> 00:07:20.519
  • Mad at you, if they're not mad at you.
  • 00:07:20.519 --> 00:07:23.255
  • I didn't know the passive parts.
  • 00:07:23.255 --> 00:07:25.056
  • And so in my family, my husband's family is quiet.
  • 00:07:25.056 --> 00:07:28.193
  • You know, you'd figure it out through a learning curve.
  • 00:07:28.193 --> 00:07:30.328
  • Through the silence, so you're like, i think someone in your
  • 00:07:30.328 --> 00:07:33.632
  • Family's mad at me, but i can't tell.
  • 00:07:33.632 --> 00:07:36.001
  • Like, do you know, are there clues?
  • 00:07:36.001 --> 00:07:37.969
  • Do they leave breadcrumbs?
  • 00:07:37.969 --> 00:07:39.271
  • Like, you will never wonder if someone in my family's mad at
  • 00:07:39.271 --> 00:07:42.407
  • You, like, never.
  • 00:07:42.407 --> 00:07:43.508
  • You know, it's too much.
  • 00:07:43.508 --> 00:07:45.343
  • It's like, wow, that was a lot of share.
  • 00:07:45.343 --> 00:07:46.945
  • Thank you.
  • 00:07:46.945 --> 00:07:48.046
  • And so it was interesting in these differences.
  • 00:07:48.046 --> 00:07:50.615
  • You know, it's funny.
  • 00:07:50.615 --> 00:07:52.484
  • It's the thing that you're attracted to.
  • 00:07:52.484 --> 00:07:53.952
  • It's so different.
  • 00:07:53.952 --> 00:07:55.053
  • And then you want them to shift and not be that.
  • 00:07:55.053 --> 00:07:57.756
  • And i remember there were certain things when you talk
  • 00:07:57.756 --> 00:08:01.092
  • About, sheila, like the broken places that you bring.
  • 00:08:01.092 --> 00:08:04.195
  • I remember kenneth saying this.
  • 00:08:04.195 --> 00:08:06.498
  • And it was just, it was really wise, but really painful.
  • 00:08:06.498 --> 00:08:10.435
  • And i was asking for something and he was like, irene, i think
  • 00:08:10.435 --> 00:08:13.572
  • You're asking for something only god can give.
  • 00:08:13.572 --> 00:08:15.373
  • Like, there's things that i've needed or i've wanted and they
  • 00:08:15.373 --> 00:08:20.312
  • Were holes that really god needed to fill.
  • 00:08:20.312 --> 00:08:22.747
  • Now, people can affirm it and add to.
  • 00:08:22.747 --> 00:08:25.016
  • But i just kept looking to him to be something like, can you
  • 00:08:25.016 --> 00:08:30.722
  • This and it's like, and it's, i'm sure it felt
  • 00:08:30.722 --> 00:08:34.125
  • Overwhelming, like, that's a lot.
  • 00:08:34.125 --> 00:08:36.194
  • I think that's god-sized pretty much what you need, but it
  • 00:08:36.194 --> 00:08:40.098
  • Really struck me.
  • 00:08:40.098 --> 00:08:41.466
  • Like, i remember just thinking, like, i got to go do some work
  • 00:08:41.466 --> 00:08:44.235
  • Between you and i, lord, like, because i can't keep putting
  • 00:08:44.235 --> 00:08:48.039
  • God-sized expectations on my husband.
  • 00:08:48.039 --> 00:08:50.308
  • - right. that's good.
  • 00:08:50.308 --> 00:08:51.810
  • - that's too weighty.
  • 00:08:51.810 --> 00:08:52.544
  • No, that's good.
  • 00:08:52.544 --> 00:08:55.013
  • You know, when you're single and it's just you, you being patient
  • 00:08:55.013 --> 00:08:58.883
  • With you seems a little strange.
  • 00:08:58.883 --> 00:09:00.218
  • You know, it's like, you know, have patience with yourself.
  • 00:09:00.218 --> 00:09:02.654
  • I mean, you're like, okay, that's one thing.
  • 00:09:02.654 --> 00:09:05.924
  • But all it takes is one other person in the picture.
  • 00:09:05.924 --> 00:09:09.127
  • And that level of patience, that letting, giving someone else
  • 00:09:09.127 --> 00:09:14.366
  • Room to work something out, giving someone else room to try
  • 00:09:14.366 --> 00:09:18.503
  • To communicate it or describe it or to be on the same page with
  • 00:09:18.503 --> 00:09:23.308
  • You, all of those, that pace and the patience of that pace, i
  • 00:09:23.308 --> 00:09:28.413
  • Realize that as frustrated as i can be with just me and one
  • 00:09:28.413 --> 00:09:32.517
  • Other person, how the lord has to do this across the entire
  • 00:09:32.517 --> 00:09:36.321
  • Universe and how grateful i am for his patience with me and
  • 00:09:36.321 --> 00:09:43.294
  • That he gives me, you know, another chance and another
  • 00:09:43.294 --> 00:09:46.398
  • Chance to get it right and that there's that beautiful aspect
  • 00:09:46.398 --> 00:09:50.735
  • That he's not just looking at me to see what he needs to fix in
  • 00:09:50.735 --> 00:09:54.139
  • Me, but that he absolutely just loves me right where i am and
  • 00:09:54.139 --> 00:09:58.743
  • That is just a patient love and i've experienced that
  • 00:09:58.743 --> 00:10:02.647
  • About the lord.
  • 00:10:02.647 --> 00:10:03.982
  • And that's really come a lot in all the different things you
  • 00:10:03.982 --> 00:10:07.185
  • Walk through in marriage.
  • 00:10:07.185 --> 00:10:09.320
  • - that's good, that's how i was.
  • 00:10:09.320 --> 00:10:11.456
  • I put all of the weight and expectation on mike.
  • 00:10:11.456 --> 00:10:15.260
  • Our story is quite interesting, he came up in a
  • 00:10:15.260 --> 00:10:20.965
  • Christian environment.
  • 00:10:20.965 --> 00:10:22.167
  • Father was a pastor, never saw his parents disagree,
  • 00:10:22.167 --> 00:10:27.439
  • Argue or anything.
  • 00:10:27.439 --> 00:10:28.640
  • None, on the other hand, i came up in a non-christian
  • 00:10:28.640 --> 00:10:34.045
  • Environment and that's all i saw most of the time.
  • 00:10:34.045 --> 00:10:39.584
  • They just, you know, everything was the argument.
  • 00:10:39.584 --> 00:10:42.587
  • I mean, it could be something nice, like, you look nice today,
  • 00:10:42.587 --> 00:10:45.724
  • You know?
  • 00:10:45.724 --> 00:10:46.491
  • Just nice, that's it.
  • 00:10:46.491 --> 00:10:48.393
  • You know, it would come out to be something else.
  • 00:10:48.393 --> 00:10:51.262
  • And so when we got married, we both came in with expectations
  • 00:10:51.262 --> 00:10:57.135
  • That, you know, it was going to be like what we've come out of.
  • 00:10:57.135 --> 00:11:00.739
  • Like, he wanted to just talk about certain situations.
  • 00:11:00.739 --> 00:11:04.542
  • I wanted to argue about situations.
  • 00:11:04.542 --> 00:11:07.412
  • It's like, no, this is how you handle this.
  • 00:11:07.412 --> 00:11:09.514
  • And so i remember how he would start ignoring me.
  • 00:11:09.514 --> 00:11:14.052
  • Well, coming out of the environment that i came out of,
  • 00:11:14.052 --> 00:11:17.155
  • You don't ignore me because that is dangerous for you.
  • 00:11:17.155 --> 00:11:20.792
  • You know?
  • 00:11:20.792 --> 00:11:22.260
  • Like, i saw how my mom would handle situations.
  • 00:11:22.260 --> 00:11:26.030
  • And so i remember just throwing stuff, like, oh, i know
  • 00:11:26.030 --> 00:11:31.035
  • You hear me.
  • 00:11:31.035 --> 00:11:32.270
  • And one day, i had to stop and say, okay, god, i
  • 00:11:32.270 --> 00:11:37.108
  • Don't like this.
  • 00:11:37.108 --> 00:11:38.076
  • Yes, and i was a christian at this time.
  • 00:11:38.076 --> 00:11:40.478
  • And, you know, people think just because you receive jesus, you
  • 00:11:40.478 --> 00:11:44.315
  • Automatically change.
  • 00:11:44.315 --> 00:11:45.617
  • And i didn't.
  • 00:11:45.617 --> 00:11:47.085
  • We got married like three months after, you know, we
  • 00:11:47.085 --> 00:11:50.588
  • Got together.
  • 00:11:50.588 --> 00:11:51.623
  • But i've been knowing him since i was 14.
  • 00:11:51.623 --> 00:11:53.158
  • He was my friend, so i didn't think, you know, anything of it.
  • 00:11:53.158 --> 00:11:56.494
  • So i became a christian, and, like, three months later, we
  • 00:11:56.494 --> 00:12:00.598
  • Were married.
  • 00:12:00.598 --> 00:12:02.600
  • I had no idea what a christian marriage was supposed to look
  • 00:12:02.600 --> 00:12:06.237
  • Like, but i knew it wasn't this.
  • 00:12:06.237 --> 00:12:08.706
  • And so i started to pray and develop my walk with god and
  • 00:12:08.706 --> 00:12:11.776
  • Said, okay, god, if, you know, i'm supposed to be in this and
  • 00:12:11.776 --> 00:12:15.313
  • I'm going to stay in it, then it has to be better because we had
  • 00:12:15.313 --> 00:12:19.083
  • Commitment my parents have been married for a long time like my
  • 00:12:19.083 --> 00:12:23.454
  • Dad just passed this year and my parents would have been married
  • 00:12:23.454 --> 00:12:27.425
  • For 75 years so they had the commitment you know i mean
  • 00:12:27.425 --> 00:12:32.397
  • Finally they both became christians and you would never
  • 00:12:32.397 --> 00:12:35.767
  • Know you know it was like night day what they had become but i
  • 00:12:35.767 --> 00:12:40.738
  • Started to see that i put a lot of weight and responsibility on
  • 00:12:40.738 --> 00:12:46.711
  • Mike to make me happy.
  • 00:12:46.711 --> 00:12:48.313
  • To fill in those gaps to fill in those holes, it's like i need
  • 00:12:48.313 --> 00:12:52.250
  • You to make me happy and i had to tell myself that i was
  • 00:12:52.250 --> 00:12:55.920
  • Putting responsibility and weight on him that he
  • 00:12:55.920 --> 00:12:59.123
  • Couldn't fulfill.
  • 00:12:59.123 --> 00:13:00.491
  • So i had to take my attention off of him and put my attention
  • 00:13:00.491 --> 00:13:03.962
  • On my relationship with god.
  • 00:13:03.962 --> 00:13:05.630
  • And i had to let him experience the overflow of my relationship.
  • 00:13:05.630 --> 00:13:10.902
  • That's good.
  • 00:13:10.902 --> 00:13:11.569
  • It was rough.
  • 00:13:11.569 --> 00:13:13.004
  • - i think it's so fascinating.
  • 00:13:13.004 --> 00:13:14.372
  • When you think of genesis, it says that is why a man leaves
  • 00:13:14.372 --> 00:13:17.108
  • His father and mother and is united to his wife and they
  • 00:13:17.108 --> 00:13:20.178
  • Become one flesh.
  • 00:13:20.178 --> 00:13:21.579
  • And you look at that first.
  • 00:13:21.579 --> 00:13:23.181
  • You're like, this is going to be amazing.
  • 00:13:23.181 --> 00:13:24.983
  • We're going to be one flesh.
  • 00:13:24.983 --> 00:13:26.117
  • We're going to be united.
  • 00:13:26.117 --> 00:13:26.951
  • It's us against the world.
  • 00:13:26.951 --> 00:13:28.119
  • And then you're like, are you serious?
  • 00:13:28.119 --> 00:13:30.321
  • This is not easy.
  • 00:13:30.321 --> 00:13:31.990
  • This is not forming well.
  • 00:13:31.990 --> 00:13:33.558
  • In fact, you know, later in song of songs, it says, i found him.
  • 00:13:33.558 --> 00:13:37.028
  • I found my soul's true love.
  • 00:13:37.028 --> 00:13:38.229
  • I pulled him to me and would not let him go.
  • 00:13:38.229 --> 00:13:40.465
  • And then there's these moments, will you get away from me?
  • 00:13:40.465 --> 00:13:42.834
  • I can't even stand you.
  • 00:13:42.834 --> 00:13:44.435
  • And you know what?
  • 00:13:44.435 --> 00:13:45.370
  • You don't want to be around me either.
  • 00:13:45.370 --> 00:13:46.704
  • But i think it's so fascinating how god's perfect design for
  • 00:13:46.704 --> 00:13:49.340
  • Marriage, this first institution established by god for the
  • 00:13:49.340 --> 00:13:53.912
  • Reflection of christ in the church can be so challenging,
  • 00:13:53.912 --> 00:13:57.615
  • But yet so many years and so beautiful, sheila, and both of
  • 00:13:57.615 --> 00:14:00.885
  • You, i relate to all of you when i say, wow, my marriage is how
  • 00:14:00.885 --> 00:14:05.056
  • Far we've come and how more of myself i truly am, but also how
  • 00:14:05.056 --> 00:14:10.295
  • Good we are together.
  • 00:14:10.295 --> 00:14:11.896
  • - in the early stages of my marriage, when emotions would
  • 00:14:11.896 --> 00:14:16.868
  • Get really high, i honestly struggled because i think i had
  • 00:14:16.868 --> 00:14:20.438
  • This idea that you know if you find the right person and you
  • 00:14:20.438 --> 00:14:23.174
  • Believe this is what god wants for your life then it'll all go
  • 00:14:23.174 --> 00:14:26.244
  • Smoothly and and i discovered that is not true.
  • 00:14:26.244 --> 00:14:29.147
  • You know because you're just two completely different people and
  • 00:14:29.147 --> 00:14:33.151
  • I brought my baggage from my past and barry brought his
  • 00:14:33.151 --> 00:14:36.554
  • Baggage from his past and honestly the one thing that kept
  • 00:14:36.554 --> 00:14:40.124
  • Us kind of anchored though, was understanding the power of the
  • 00:14:40.124 --> 00:14:44.295
  • Word of god.
  • 00:14:44.295 --> 00:14:45.363
  • And so literally taking god as word.
  • 00:14:45.363 --> 00:14:47.398
  • If he said, my grace is enough for you, because my strength is
  • 00:14:47.398 --> 00:14:51.769
  • Made perfect in your weakness, i staked my life on that.
  • 00:14:51.769 --> 00:14:55.573
  • God's word will never fail.
  • 00:14:55.573 --> 00:14:59.344
  • - i understand that every relationship goes through
  • 00:14:59.344 --> 00:15:01.913
  • Challenges, but you have to have the resolve that god intends for
  • 00:15:01.913 --> 00:15:06.818
  • You to have a blessed, prosperous, and
  • 00:15:06.818 --> 00:15:11.556
  • Productive relationship.
  • 00:15:11.556 --> 00:15:12.991
  • Your marriage is a ministry.
  • 00:15:12.991 --> 00:15:15.727
  • Regardless of what you are going through right now, if you would
  • 00:15:15.727 --> 00:15:19.430
  • Just focus on the purpose of your relationship, the
  • 00:15:19.430 --> 00:15:23.668
  • Principles in your relationship, and take your eyes off of the
  • 00:15:23.668 --> 00:15:28.139
  • Problems that are in your relationship, i guarantee you,
  • 00:15:28.139 --> 00:15:31.876
  • You will be able to redirect and refocus yourself on knowing that
  • 00:15:31.876 --> 00:15:36.814
  • God has a plan for your marriage.
  • 00:15:36.814 --> 00:15:39.884
  • ♪ (music playing) ♪
  • 00:15:39.884 --> 00:15:42.253
  • - let's keep the conversation going.
  • 00:15:42.253 --> 00:15:44.288
  • - connect with us on social media and share your favorite
  • 00:15:44.288 --> 00:15:47.125
  • Moments from today.
  • 00:15:47.125 --> 00:15:48.026
  • - we are better because of you.
  • 00:15:48.026 --> 00:15:50.862
  • - therapists say that we are actually drawn to the person
  • 00:15:50.862 --> 00:15:50.994
  • - therapists say that we are actually drawn to the person
  • 00:15:50.994 --> 00:15:57.836
  • Who's least likely to be able to meet our needs.
  • 00:15:57.836 --> 00:16:00.606
  • - really? - interesting.
  • 00:16:00.606 --> 00:16:02.041
  • - yeah, that we're drawn.
  • 00:16:02.041 --> 00:16:03.175
  • But i would say that, what does gary thomas say?
  • 00:16:03.175 --> 00:16:06.245
  • That marriage is to make us, not to make us happy, but to make us
  • 00:16:06.245 --> 00:16:09.148
  • Holy, how i have evolved and grown instead of, yes, my
  • 00:16:09.148 --> 00:16:13.385
  • Husband has met my needs, but i've also had to turn to christ
  • 00:16:13.385 --> 00:16:16.722
  • And say, lord, help me take the childhood gaps, the wounds, the
  • 00:16:16.722 --> 00:16:21.393
  • Early loss, the trials, and that we bring into our marriage, and
  • 00:16:21.393 --> 00:16:26.231
  • Lord, make me whole, heal me.
  • 00:16:26.231 --> 00:16:28.967
  • And if my husband can contain that space that i'm in, and
  • 00:16:28.967 --> 00:16:32.004
  • Process that, that's when you know you've got someone.
  • 00:16:32.004 --> 00:16:35.874
  • And you stick with them and vice versa.
  • 00:16:35.874 --> 00:16:38.377
  • But we come in as children, really.
  • 00:16:38.377 --> 00:16:40.345
  • Have you ever gotten into an argument with your spouse?
  • 00:16:40.345 --> 00:16:43.549
  • And you're like, i feel like i'm talking to a child.
  • 00:16:43.549 --> 00:16:47.052
  • You are.
  • 00:16:47.052 --> 00:16:48.187
  • Developmentally speaking, there's many parts of us.
  • 00:16:48.187 --> 00:16:49.922
  • And you are, they are exhibiting their child moment, whether it's
  • 00:16:49.922 --> 00:16:53.959
  • A wound or they digressed in a way.
  • 00:16:53.959 --> 00:16:56.428
  • I mean, sometimes i'm like, who, what, what?
  • 00:16:56.428 --> 00:16:59.164
  • - so those tantrums are childhood traits.
  • 00:16:59.164 --> 00:17:01.934
  • - they are real. they're real.
  • 00:17:01.934 --> 00:17:03.268
  • In fact, i'm like, i don't like how i just behaved.
  • 00:17:03.268 --> 00:17:05.137
  • Who was that?
  • 00:17:05.137 --> 00:17:06.071
  • That was 14 angie, 14-year-old angie.
  • 00:17:06.071 --> 00:17:07.739
  • Because that is an area of my life that wasn't healed.
  • 00:17:07.739 --> 00:17:10.676
  • And so if you think they're acting like a child, they are,
  • 00:17:10.676 --> 00:17:14.179
  • But- - can we say that?
  • 00:17:14.179 --> 00:17:16.215
  • - but you know what?
  • 00:17:16.215 --> 00:17:17.683
  • - you don't want to say that.
  • 00:17:17.683 --> 00:17:19.418
  • I don't know if it'll help in the moment.
  • 00:17:19.418 --> 00:17:22.054
  • Everybody's not.
  • 00:17:22.054 --> 00:17:23.355
  • But you might want to be curious to say, what's going on for
  • 00:17:23.355 --> 00:17:26.725
  • You here?
  • 00:17:26.725 --> 00:17:27.926
  • And what is this moment reminding you of back when?
  • 00:17:27.926 --> 00:17:29.928
  • Because it's never about the moment.
  • 00:17:29.928 --> 00:17:32.531
  • - no. it's never about the thing.
  • 00:17:32.531 --> 00:17:33.699
  • - there's always history attached when you overreact.
  • 00:17:33.699 --> 00:17:35.834
  • I remember once we were only married three or four years, and
  • 00:17:35.834 --> 00:17:38.770
  • I don't even remember what barry did.
  • 00:17:38.770 --> 00:17:40.572
  • But it was something that...
  • 00:17:40.572 --> 00:17:41.840
  • - it was something.
  • 00:17:41.840 --> 00:17:43.242
  • It was something.
  • 00:17:42.574 --> 00:17:44.343
  • - we know it was.
  • 00:17:44.343 --> 00:17:45.511
  • - but it was something that really kind of triggered
  • 00:17:45.511 --> 00:17:47.946
  • Something in me.
  • 00:17:47.946 --> 00:17:49.248
  • And i'm in the bathroom, and i'm curled down in the corner.
  • 00:17:49.248 --> 00:17:52.151
  • And i'm like, what on earth am i doing?
  • 00:17:52.151 --> 00:17:54.353
  • I'm sitting here like i'm five years old.
  • 00:17:54.353 --> 00:17:56.388
  • But that's how old i was when my dad tried to kill me.
  • 00:17:56.388 --> 00:17:59.191
  • But it was finding...
  • 00:17:59.191 --> 00:18:00.592
  • That's my marriage to me.
  • 00:18:00.592 --> 00:18:02.361
  • It's like it's hard work.
  • 00:18:02.361 --> 00:18:04.129
  • You know, it's not just...
  • 00:18:04.129 --> 00:18:05.497
  • You used to think it's something you just find somebody and it's
  • 00:18:05.497 --> 00:18:08.367
  • Lovely, but it's like commitment and intentionality and hard work
  • 00:18:08.367 --> 00:18:13.572
  • And staying in there.
  • 00:18:13.572 --> 00:18:14.907
  • And but when the other person is that way too, i mean, that's the
  • 00:18:14.907 --> 00:18:18.844
  • Thing i've grown to learn, even though the way he resolves
  • 00:18:18.844 --> 00:18:21.380
  • Things are different than the way i resolve things, the fact
  • 00:18:21.380 --> 00:18:24.616
  • He wants to resolve things.
  • 00:18:24.616 --> 00:18:25.984
  • And the fact that he'll come and say, look, what's happening with
  • 00:18:25.984 --> 00:18:28.954
  • You now?
  • 00:18:28.954 --> 00:18:29.721
  • You know, i would never do that.
  • 00:18:29.721 --> 00:18:32.457
  • It's just, i'm so aware of the goodness of god in a marriage
  • 00:18:32.457 --> 00:18:36.795
  • Because if it was up to us, we would just throw the towel in.
  • 00:18:36.795 --> 00:18:41.567
  • - being able to see the good and the design that's in your
  • 00:18:41.567 --> 00:18:46.305
  • Spouse, in your marriage is honestly being able to see god
  • 00:18:46.305 --> 00:18:49.608
  • In your marriage.
  • 00:18:49.608 --> 00:18:50.309
  • God, what are you up to?
  • 00:18:50.309 --> 00:18:52.511
  • I think it's important that that can be a conversation that you
  • 00:18:52.511 --> 00:18:55.280
  • Ask the lord, that you can become inquisitive with the lord
  • 00:18:55.280 --> 00:18:58.717
  • About what that looks like.
  • 00:18:58.717 --> 00:18:59.952
  • And sometimes it's really hard to see, okay?
  • 00:18:59.952 --> 00:19:02.487
  • Because let's be honest, i don't always show up, you don't always
  • 00:19:02.487 --> 00:19:05.857
  • Show up with the good showing up.
  • 00:19:05.857 --> 00:19:09.328
  • And so it's like, god, help me to see the good.
  • 00:19:09.328 --> 00:19:13.665
  • Help me to see that you have your image in them.
  • 00:19:13.665 --> 00:19:15.968
  • Help me to see and call that out.
  • 00:19:15.968 --> 00:19:17.803
  • Because the reality is that it's in there.
  • 00:19:17.803 --> 00:19:21.473
  • It would be one thing if we were lying to you, like, hey, just
  • 00:19:21.473 --> 00:19:24.042
  • Fake it, just find something good and just act like it's
  • 00:19:24.042 --> 00:19:26.912
  • There. but that's not true.
  • 00:19:26.912 --> 00:19:28.213
  • Because we are image bearers, there's something that your
  • 00:19:28.213 --> 00:19:30.482
  • Spouse bears that is the image of god.
  • 00:19:30.482 --> 00:19:33.285
  • And being able to fight for that, even for your spouse,
  • 00:19:33.285 --> 00:19:37.556
  • Maybe they don't even see it or believe it about themselves, but
  • 00:19:37.556 --> 00:19:40.259
  • You're gonna be able to call that out and call them up into
  • 00:19:40.259 --> 00:19:43.128
  • Something really beautiful, of their own design of how
  • 00:19:43.128 --> 00:19:46.265
  • God made them.
  • 00:19:46.265 --> 00:19:47.499
  • - when you think about it, marriage is god's design.
  • 00:19:47.499 --> 00:19:50.235
  • And it doesn't mean everybody has to be married.
  • 00:19:50.235 --> 00:19:53.171
  • But if you get married, it's god's design, and god's plan and
  • 00:19:53.171 --> 00:19:58.343
  • When adam and eve, god took eve out of adam.
  • 00:19:58.343 --> 00:20:02.914
  • They are not us.
  • 00:20:02.914 --> 00:20:05.117
  • They are not a woman, they are a man.
  • 00:20:05.117 --> 00:20:07.085
  • And so two totally different people and i love what you just
  • 00:20:07.085 --> 00:20:11.556
  • Said because we're all looking for the one least likely to meet
  • 00:20:11.556 --> 00:20:16.528
  • What we need, probably because god wants to be that to us.
  • 00:20:16.528 --> 00:20:21.033
  • And i think people that are looking for a spouse, you have
  • 00:20:21.033 --> 00:20:24.936
  • To be whole before you get married because that person is
  • 00:20:24.936 --> 00:20:28.907
  • Not going to satisfy.
  • 00:20:28.907 --> 00:20:30.309
  • - two halves don't make a whole.
  • 00:20:30.309 --> 00:20:31.843
  • - they're not going to satisfy what i need because it's exactly
  • 00:20:31.843 --> 00:20:36.148
  • What you were saying, they weren't designed to do that.
  • 00:20:36.148 --> 00:20:39.685
  • They weren't designed to meet all my needs, jesus is my joy,
  • 00:20:39.685 --> 00:20:43.322
  • My happiness, my love, he's faithful, he's everything that i
  • 00:20:43.322 --> 00:20:49.428
  • Need as a person.
  • 00:20:49.428 --> 00:20:51.396
  • God is all of that.
  • 00:20:51.396 --> 00:20:53.231
  • And so we can't look for someone to fill all the emptiness
  • 00:20:53.231 --> 00:20:57.369
  • Inside.
  • 00:20:57.369 --> 00:20:58.437
  • Or i do believe that god wants to use us to heal.
  • 00:20:58.437 --> 00:21:02.507
  • - that's right.
  • 00:21:02.507 --> 00:21:03.475
  • - to heal.
  • 00:21:03.475 --> 00:21:04.810
  • And so a lot of times i think we find ourselves when you get into
  • 00:21:04.810 --> 00:21:08.013
  • A situation, all of a sudden you're fighting from two
  • 00:21:08.013 --> 00:21:10.849
  • Different points.
  • 00:21:10.849 --> 00:21:12.117
  • And what we should be is we should be on the same team.
  • 00:21:12.117 --> 00:21:17.155
  • Saying, okay, there's a problem, but we're on the same team.
  • 00:21:17.155 --> 00:21:20.826
  • So we need to solve this problem together because there is
  • 00:21:20.826 --> 00:21:24.730
  • Nothing like old love there is nothing like being married for
  • 00:21:24.730 --> 00:21:29.067
  • All these years and what it grows into you know i don't want
  • 00:21:29.067 --> 00:21:32.270
  • To be old and and not wake up and be able to have coffee with
  • 00:21:32.270 --> 00:21:36.675
  • My husband yes because of stupid decisions that i've made or that
  • 00:21:36.675 --> 00:21:42.547
  • Has happened in our marriage so god's design, includes our
  • 00:21:42.547 --> 00:21:47.319
  • Marriage and he looks long-term, right?
  • 00:21:47.319 --> 00:21:50.422
  • It's building the kingdom of god together.
  • 00:21:50.422 --> 00:21:54.960
  • And so focusing on that, i think this week has a lot of
  • 00:21:54.960 --> 00:21:59.364
  • Intricacies to it.
  • 00:21:59.364 --> 00:22:00.866
  • That's really going to help people focus on the right things
  • 00:22:00.866 --> 00:22:04.836
  • And know that you're not there to just please me all the time,
  • 00:22:04.836 --> 00:22:08.907
  • To make me happy all the time and to do what i say and to
  • 00:22:08.907 --> 00:22:12.344
  • Agree with me all the time.
  • 00:22:12.344 --> 00:22:13.445
  • My goodness, he doesn't think like i do.
  • 00:22:13.445 --> 00:22:16.281
  • But stuff that are so important to me or that maybe i came in
  • 00:22:16.281 --> 00:22:22.954
  • That were really important, it would be like, do you
  • 00:22:22.954 --> 00:22:25.490
  • Not get that?
  • 00:22:25.490 --> 00:22:26.825
  • And so 40 years later, i look back and go, thank god he didn't
  • 00:22:26.825 --> 00:22:28.760
  • Have that.
  • 00:22:28.760 --> 00:22:31.496
  • We'd be in a ditch somewhere together, you know, and he has
  • 00:22:31.496 --> 00:22:34.533
  • Brought me such a long way, right?
  • 00:22:34.533 --> 00:22:38.003
  • Such a long ways because god has used him to bring me from my
  • 00:22:38.003 --> 00:22:42.874
  • Stupidness, right, in so many areas.
  • 00:22:42.874 --> 00:22:45.811
  • And now things seem so small.
  • 00:22:45.811 --> 00:22:49.281
  • There is such hope.
  • 00:22:49.281 --> 00:22:52.451
  • There's such hope for your marriage because the longer, i
  • 00:22:52.451 --> 00:22:56.988
  • Believe, you're married, the more you become one.
  • 00:22:56.988 --> 00:23:01.726
  • You become one.
  • 00:23:01.726 --> 00:23:04.329
  • It's not that you get married and you're just one and
  • 00:23:04.329 --> 00:23:08.266
  • You work as one.
  • 00:23:08.266 --> 00:23:09.734
  • It's becoming one. - absolutely.
  • 00:23:09.734 --> 00:23:12.571
  • - and that is priceless.
  • 00:23:12.571 --> 00:23:13.939
  • - to work on wholeness before marriage, it requires you to do
  • 00:23:13.939 --> 00:23:17.609
  • Some deep work.
  • 00:23:17.609 --> 00:23:21.513
  • In fact, it requires you to be an investigator of your
  • 00:23:21.513 --> 00:23:23.315
  • Own life.
  • 00:23:23.315 --> 00:23:24.683
  • Perhaps it's, if i said it more simply, it's going back in order
  • 00:23:24.683 --> 00:23:27.519
  • To go forward.
  • 00:23:27.519 --> 00:23:29.154
  • You know, we think we're normal until you get into a
  • 00:23:29.154 --> 00:23:32.224
  • Relationship or even marriage.
  • 00:23:32.224 --> 00:23:34.526
  • And your partner begins to say things like, why do you do that?
  • 00:23:34.526 --> 00:23:38.330
  • Or that's weird.
  • 00:23:38.330 --> 00:23:39.931
  • And then you're like, no, i'm not weird.
  • 00:23:39.931 --> 00:23:42.267
  • You're weird.
  • 00:23:42.267 --> 00:23:44.469
  • Well, i'm here to tell you, you're weird.
  • 00:23:44.469 --> 00:23:46.505
  • And part of the work before you get married is to figure out
  • 00:23:46.505 --> 00:23:49.407
  • What makes you who you are.
  • 00:23:49.407 --> 00:23:51.276
  • Why do you say the things you say?
  • 00:23:51.276 --> 00:23:52.811
  • Why do you do the things that you do?
  • 00:23:52.811 --> 00:23:55.080
  • And part of that is also exploring some of the wounds in
  • 00:23:55.080 --> 00:23:59.351
  • Your life.
  • 00:23:59.351 --> 00:24:00.452
  • I'm going to tell you the truth, you cannot outrun
  • 00:24:00.452 --> 00:24:02.621
  • Your childhood.
  • 00:24:02.621 --> 00:24:04.656
  • All roads lead back to childhood.
  • 00:24:04.656 --> 00:24:06.124
  • So why don't you go there before you get married?
  • 00:24:06.124 --> 00:24:08.793
  • Because guess what?
  • 00:24:08.793 --> 00:24:10.061
  • Your partner will probably trigger all of your childhood
  • 00:24:10.061 --> 00:24:12.130
  • Wounds and you're going to have to go back anyways.
  • 00:24:12.130 --> 00:24:14.366
  • And you will have to again, even if you do your deep work.
  • 00:24:14.366 --> 00:24:17.269
  • But listen, if you embrace deep healing, wholeness now, you're
  • 00:24:17.269 --> 00:24:22.440
  • Going to be more set for your marriage.
  • 00:24:22.440 --> 00:24:26.244
  • - it's so powerful because i do believe, as well, a lot of
  • 00:24:26.244 --> 00:24:30.949
  • People quit before they can see the fulfillment of what true
  • 00:24:30.949 --> 00:24:35.420
  • Marriage is all about.
  • 00:24:35.420 --> 00:24:38.123
  • Sheila, you said something earlier about how marriage is
  • 00:24:38.123 --> 00:24:40.959
  • Hard, marriage is hard.
  • 00:24:40.959 --> 00:24:43.495
  • And i agree that marriage is a lot of work. i do.
  • 00:24:43.495 --> 00:24:48.066
  • God knows i got a lot of stories about it being hard.
  • 00:24:48.066 --> 00:24:52.203
  • But i always like to look at it, like to reframe it for my own
  • 00:24:52.203 --> 00:24:56.308
  • Mind, just to say, okay, it is a lot of work, but the way of the
  • 00:24:56.308 --> 00:25:01.580
  • Transgressor is hard.
  • 00:25:01.580 --> 00:25:03.615
  • So if i do it, my way is going to be hard.
  • 00:25:03.615 --> 00:25:07.652
  • But if i yoke up with christ's way, which is the way it's
  • 00:25:07.652 --> 00:25:11.656
  • Supposed to be easy, you know what i mean?
  • 00:25:11.656 --> 00:25:14.025
  • And let me do it his way and not try to make it happen the way i
  • 00:25:14.025 --> 00:25:19.831
  • Want to and i can have an easier path to get to it because we
  • 00:25:19.831 --> 00:25:24.669
  • Really, when you first get in a marriage you don't be thinking
  • 00:25:24.669 --> 00:25:29.174
  • About let me get all these scriptures to know how to just
  • 00:25:29.174 --> 00:25:32.544
  • Walk this thing out, you walk it out through what you
  • 00:25:32.544 --> 00:25:36.381
  • Were shaped by.
  • 00:25:36.381 --> 00:25:37.716
  • The environment you were in, before it's like what you saw
  • 00:25:37.716 --> 00:25:41.886
  • You try to make it happen, and you know that mike and i we both
  • 00:25:41.886 --> 00:25:45.757
  • Tried to make each other fit into a mould that we
  • 00:25:45.757 --> 00:25:50.962
  • Had created.
  • 00:25:50.962 --> 00:25:52.631
  • Like his mom did all of the cooking in his family and she
  • 00:25:52.631 --> 00:25:55.834
  • Served his dad, like he would come home his dad would come
  • 00:25:55.834 --> 00:25:59.904
  • Home and his mom would, you know, make a cup of ice tea and
  • 00:25:59.904 --> 00:26:04.643
  • Have one of the kids to take it back in the room and call them
  • 00:26:04.643 --> 00:26:08.046
  • Out when it was time to eat, you know, like the dream family
  • 00:26:08.046 --> 00:26:11.583
  • Idea, i guess, of what marriage and family should be.
  • 00:26:11.583 --> 00:26:15.920
  • But so i came out from a different environment.
  • 00:26:15.920 --> 00:26:18.256
  • My dad did all the cooking.
  • 00:26:18.256 --> 00:26:19.724
  • My dad served us.
  • 00:26:19.724 --> 00:26:21.893
  • My dad would take my mom food.
  • 00:26:21.893 --> 00:26:24.029
  • So here it is we come in with these different ideas of who's
  • 00:26:24.029 --> 00:26:28.166
  • Supposed to be doing what.
  • 00:26:28.166 --> 00:26:29.601
  • And he's thinking something is wrong with me.
  • 00:26:29.601 --> 00:26:31.870
  • He's like, where's my tea?
  • 00:26:31.870 --> 00:26:34.072
  • Where's my dinner?
  • 00:26:34.072 --> 00:26:35.140
  • I'm like, no, i'm waiting for you to serve me.
  • 00:26:35.140 --> 00:26:37.575
  • - you're sitting down waiting.
  • 00:26:37.575 --> 00:26:39.177
  • - both of us sitting here, nothing is getting done.
  • 00:26:39.177 --> 00:26:42.013
  • Who's cooking?
  • 00:26:42.013 --> 00:26:42.681
  • Who's cooking, right?
  • 00:26:42.681 --> 00:26:44.315
  • And so we both tried to break each other, you know, in the
  • 00:26:44.315 --> 00:26:47.986
  • Beginning and almost to the point where it was, it was
  • 00:26:47.986 --> 00:26:51.589
  • Horrible for me because him being a stronger communicator
  • 00:26:51.589 --> 00:26:55.293
  • And all, like he said some things that just really
  • 00:26:55.293 --> 00:26:59.097
  • Destroyed my self-esteem, i mean, how i felt about myself,
  • 00:26:59.097 --> 00:27:05.003
  • My worth, my body, all of that was just crushed.
  • 00:27:05.003 --> 00:27:09.374
  • And it was like i had to get a hold of that going back to like
  • 00:27:09.374 --> 00:27:14.979
  • Getting into this word and stop trying to make him the source of
  • 00:27:14.979 --> 00:27:19.184
  • My satisfaction.
  • 00:27:19.184 --> 00:27:21.052
  • You know, we get married thinking this idea of marriage
  • 00:27:21.052 --> 00:27:24.389
  • Is going to be some fairy tale that we grew up watching, and
  • 00:27:24.389 --> 00:27:28.193
  • It's just not that.
  • 00:27:28.193 --> 00:27:30.161
  • You know, on set, i was talking about the way of the
  • 00:27:30.161 --> 00:27:33.832
  • Transgressor is hard.
  • 00:27:33.832 --> 00:27:36.267
  • The bible talks about how god's yoke is easy and his burdens are
  • 00:27:36.267 --> 00:27:41.673
  • Light.
  • 00:27:41.673 --> 00:27:43.007
  • And a lot of times we want to do things our own way and we will
  • 00:27:43.007 --> 00:27:46.778
  • Never get the results that god wants us to have in our
  • 00:27:46.778 --> 00:27:49.981
  • Relationship.
  • 00:27:49.981 --> 00:27:51.116
  • So if you want a blessed relationship, if you want an
  • 00:27:51.116 --> 00:27:53.718
  • Amazing relationship, why don't you partner with god first?
  • 00:27:53.718 --> 00:27:58.523
  • Partnering with god looks like acknowledging him in all of your
  • 00:27:58.523 --> 00:28:02.761
  • Ways and allowing him to direct your path.
  • 00:28:02.761 --> 00:28:05.964
  • You just need the wisdom of god in order to get to where you
  • 00:28:05.964 --> 00:28:09.434
  • Want to go.
  • 00:28:09.434 --> 00:28:10.835
  • I promise you if you relinquish your way of doing things and do
  • 00:28:10.835 --> 00:28:15.940
  • It god's way, your yoke too will be easy.
  • 00:28:15.940 --> 00:28:20.411
  • - i remember my mom told me one day before i got married, she
  • 00:28:20.411 --> 00:28:22.781
  • Goes you know that when you get married you're not always going
  • 00:28:22.781 --> 00:28:27.519
  • To have this feeling of just this marital bliss and this love
  • 00:28:27.519 --> 00:28:33.158
  • And the- and i looked at her like what are you talking about
  • 00:28:33.158 --> 00:28:37.662
  • You know i just didn't get that some of that would wear off or
  • 00:28:37.662 --> 00:28:41.132
  • Some of that would whatever it does, i'm not saying it's not
  • 00:28:41.132 --> 00:28:44.936
  • There anymore but it changes.
  • 00:28:44.936 --> 00:28:46.738
  • It changes but it's powerful to to normalize it that every day
  • 00:28:46.738 --> 00:28:51.776
  • You know you can have you'll have ups and downs and it
  • 00:28:51.776 --> 00:28:55.780
  • Doesn't, if as soon as you gauge it on how you're feeling, then,
  • 00:28:55.780 --> 00:29:00.552
  • You know, then you're in and you're out.
  • 00:29:00.552 --> 00:29:01.953
  • Like, it can't, you know, not that your feelings don't matter.
  • 00:29:01.953 --> 00:29:05.023
  • Like, they need to, you need to be able to work those out.
  • 00:29:05.023 --> 00:29:07.926
  • And that's the other thing is not negating those and saying
  • 00:29:07.926 --> 00:29:11.196
  • That they're not there, but you grew up in different places and
  • 00:29:11.196 --> 00:29:14.465
  • How does it look?
  • 00:29:14.465 --> 00:29:15.733
  • And i thought it was interesting because on the drive here,
  • 00:29:15.733 --> 00:29:19.037
  • Sheila, you brought up 1st corinthians 13.
  • 00:29:19.037 --> 00:29:22.207
  • The chapter before it is about the many parts in the body and
  • 00:29:22.207 --> 00:29:26.144
  • How different you are.
  • 00:29:26.144 --> 00:29:27.378
  • And he's like, and what should come right after that?
  • 00:29:27.378 --> 00:29:30.448
  • Hey, let's talk about love.
  • 00:29:30.448 --> 00:29:31.549
  • Because you're so different.
  • 00:29:31.549 --> 00:29:33.384
  • You're so different.
  • 00:29:33.384 --> 00:29:36.287
  • And the many parts, all the different ways.
  • 00:29:36.287 --> 00:29:38.089
  • And, you know, that beginning part where you're starting to
  • 00:29:38.089 --> 00:29:40.491
  • Realize, like, we are so different.
  • 00:29:40.491 --> 00:29:42.861
  • Like, there are so many different ways.
  • 00:29:42.861 --> 00:29:44.796
  • And being able to say, well, how can i do this?
  • 00:29:44.796 --> 00:29:48.066
  • How, you know, and so if i'm with you and we're doing these
  • 00:29:48.066 --> 00:29:52.003
  • Together, but i'm not doing it in love, then i'm not doing it.
  • 00:29:52.003 --> 00:29:55.406
  • It's like i never did it.
  • 00:29:55.406 --> 00:29:57.141
  • And i'm sure i've been a clanging symbol many, many times
  • 00:29:57.141 --> 00:30:00.011
  • In the house.
  • 00:30:00.011 --> 00:30:01.546
  • Like, do you see what i'm doing?
  • 00:30:01.546 --> 00:30:02.914
  • Do you see this?
  • 00:30:02.914 --> 00:30:04.048
  • Do you see?
  • 00:30:04.048 --> 00:30:05.450
  • Like, somebody see it. anybody?
  • 00:30:05.450 --> 00:30:08.586
  • Anybody, like, i am serving you in love.
  • 00:30:08.586 --> 00:30:11.556
  • But jesus sees it.
  • 00:30:11.556 --> 00:30:12.757
  • And he does.
  • 00:30:12.757 --> 00:30:14.092
  • But in those, that space where the same struggle that we have
  • 00:30:14.092 --> 00:30:18.930
  • In the many members of the church body, you know, the parts
  • 00:30:18.930 --> 00:30:22.066
  • Coming together.
  • 00:30:22.066 --> 00:30:23.268
  • The lord's like, no, you can't do this apart from love.
  • 00:30:23.268 --> 00:30:26.437
  • Like if you've got a record book, then you're gonna
  • 00:30:26.437 --> 00:30:28.106
  • Get nowhere.
  • 00:30:28.106 --> 00:30:30.742
  • Like if you, i got this one, you got that one, you know,
  • 00:30:30.742 --> 00:30:34.312
  • I'm right.
  • 00:30:34.312 --> 00:30:35.647
  • If you care more about being right than you care about their
  • 00:30:35.647 --> 00:30:36.915
  • Heart, then you just keep, you know, missing each other.
  • 00:30:36.915 --> 00:30:40.718
  • And the truth of the two coming together is, it's only by a
  • 00:30:40.718 --> 00:30:46.157
  • Miracle of god. - yeah.
  • 00:30:46.157 --> 00:30:48.826
  • - and that's the only way that the church is going to
  • 00:30:48.826 --> 00:30:51.696
  • Come together.
  • 00:30:51.696 --> 00:30:53.031
  • It's the only, you know, because it really did start whole in one
  • 00:30:53.031 --> 00:30:54.365
  • Person in adam.
  • 00:30:54.365 --> 00:30:56.234
  • And no matter how many jokes they try to make like you know
  • 00:30:56.234 --> 00:31:00.605
  • Got it wrong and then he made woman it's like no god doesn't
  • 00:31:00.605 --> 00:31:03.675
  • Get it wrong, and he was whole and he drew an aspect out and
  • 00:31:03.675 --> 00:31:09.547
  • Now what we used to all exist in one person now has to figure it
  • 00:31:09.547 --> 00:31:12.917
  • Out, but he gives us the the prescription for it and it's
  • 00:31:12.917 --> 00:31:18.222
  • Like how can i how can i love and how and the more that which
  • 00:31:18.222 --> 00:31:23.628
  • Goes back to this you know, place of where am i at with the
  • 00:31:23.628 --> 00:31:26.531
  • Lord, if i haven't received his love, and i haven't learned to
  • 00:31:26.531 --> 00:31:30.134
  • Be loved, then that's bottlenecking how i get
  • 00:31:30.134 --> 00:31:33.871
  • That out.
  • 00:31:33.871 --> 00:31:35.173
  • - i don't think there's anything on this earth that helps us
  • 00:31:35.173 --> 00:31:38.609
  • Become more like jesus than marriage.
  • 00:31:38.609 --> 00:31:41.446
  • Because, you know, you can be with friends and be a certain
  • 00:31:41.446 --> 00:31:43.648
  • Way for a little amount of time.
  • 00:31:43.648 --> 00:31:45.049
  • But once you're married and you're committed to someone and
  • 00:31:45.049 --> 00:31:47.285
  • You're on that journey together, everything that you don't like
  • 00:31:47.285 --> 00:31:50.555
  • About yourself decides to come to the surface.
  • 00:31:50.555 --> 00:31:53.291
  • Everything you maybe don't like about your partner decides to
  • 00:31:53.291 --> 00:31:55.660
  • Come to the surface.
  • 00:31:55.660 --> 00:31:56.995
  • And it's the absolute, perfect place where we need the lord's
  • 00:31:56.995 --> 00:32:01.332
  • Grace, but his grace is available, and we get to become
  • 00:32:01.332 --> 00:32:04.402
  • More like him.
  • 00:32:04.402 --> 00:32:06.304
  • - so many people are so unhappy in their marriages because
  • 00:32:06.304 --> 00:32:09.907
  • They're so unhappy with themselves.
  • 00:32:09.907 --> 00:32:12.076
  • And they bring in all of their wounds from childhood.
  • 00:32:12.076 --> 00:32:15.480
  • And they go in this one flesh, you're here to then serve me.
  • 00:32:15.480 --> 00:32:18.883
  • You know, there's a saying that, you know, there's give and take
  • 00:32:18.883 --> 00:32:21.719
  • In marriage.
  • 00:32:21.719 --> 00:32:22.787
  • Well, there's a lot more give than there is take.
  • 00:32:22.787 --> 00:32:24.188
  • And if we think about what we can give, i'm going to tell you
  • 00:32:24.188 --> 00:32:27.925
  • That produces fruit in your life.
  • 00:32:27.925 --> 00:32:30.094
  • Because the more you give, really, the more you receive.
  • 00:32:30.094 --> 00:32:33.431
  • You know, this whole concept of one flesh, you know, we're
  • 00:32:33.431 --> 00:32:36.334
  • A team.
  • 00:32:36.334 --> 00:32:37.735
  • And i'm so glad that my husband and i, 32 years, it hasn't been
  • 00:32:37.735 --> 00:32:40.772
  • Easy, right?
  • 00:32:40.772 --> 00:32:41.773
  • Because of our stuff.
  • 00:32:41.773 --> 00:32:43.474
  • But actually, he has been my healer.
  • 00:32:43.474 --> 00:32:45.643
  • While he may not have known, okay, what do i do with this
  • 00:32:45.643 --> 00:32:49.247
  • Force field of nature that is so big emotionally?
  • 00:32:49.247 --> 00:32:53.251
  • Like, he's way bigger than me physically, but i'm a lot.
  • 00:32:53.251 --> 00:32:56.421
  • But as i began to heal and come under the safety of his
  • 00:32:56.421 --> 00:33:01.192
  • Stability, his consistency, all the things that maybe i didn't
  • 00:33:01.192 --> 00:33:04.862
  • Bring into the marriage.
  • 00:33:04.862 --> 00:33:05.997
  • It's what it drove me crazy, but it's also what i
  • 00:33:05.997 --> 00:33:10.101
  • Actually needed.
  • 00:33:10.101 --> 00:33:11.469
  • So this team, you think about a company, companies that merge,
  • 00:33:11.469 --> 00:33:14.405
  • Mergers and acquisitions, that's what a marriage is.
  • 00:33:14.405 --> 00:33:17.308
  • I mean, we're taking two unique systems, two value systems, two
  • 00:33:17.308 --> 00:33:21.479
  • Ways of doing things, different mission statements, different
  • 00:33:21.479 --> 00:33:24.882
  • Ways we run employees, and we come together and we're trying
  • 00:33:24.882 --> 00:33:27.952
  • To, like, be one team.
  • 00:33:27.952 --> 00:33:29.454
  • So i just want to encourage any marriage out there and if it's
  • 00:33:29.454 --> 00:33:34.325
  • Hard, work through the hard, get through it, be a team, become
  • 00:33:34.325 --> 00:33:38.429
  • One, two are better than one because they have more return
  • 00:33:38.429 --> 00:33:42.733
  • For their work.
  • 00:33:42.733 --> 00:33:43.835
  • When one falls down, the other can pick them up.
  • 00:33:43.835 --> 00:33:45.036
  • Better together.
  • 00:33:45.036 --> 00:33:46.804
  • It's the theme of this entire show.
  • 00:33:46.804 --> 00:33:48.673
  • I am so glad i have been with my husband 32 years, the good, bad,
  • 00:33:48.673 --> 00:33:54.278
  • And everything in between, because i'm the most whole i've
  • 00:33:54.278 --> 00:33:59.283
  • Ever been.
  • 00:33:59.283 --> 00:33:59.951
  • - yeah, that's great.
  • 00:33:59.951 --> 00:34:01.319
  • - yeah, and jesus is the super glue of it all.
  • 00:34:01.319 --> 00:34:07.158
  • I think a lot of times before we're married, we tend to just
  • 00:34:07.158 --> 00:34:10.094
  • Give all.
  • 00:34:10.094 --> 00:34:11.996
  • We're just giving, we're serving, we're doing everything
  • 00:34:11.996 --> 00:34:14.966
  • We possibly can for that man we love, for that woman we love.
  • 00:34:14.966 --> 00:34:18.703
  • And a lot of times after the wedding bells ring, maybe we
  • 00:34:18.703 --> 00:34:23.074
  • Stopped doing that because all of a sudden, man, i caught him,
  • 00:34:23.074 --> 00:34:27.178
  • That's good, this is good.
  • 00:34:27.178 --> 00:34:28.646
  • And then we slack on that.
  • 00:34:28.646 --> 00:34:31.149
  • But, you know, marriage is giving 100% all the time.
  • 00:34:31.149 --> 00:34:35.386
  • And sometimes our capacity to do that can slip and fail
  • 00:34:35.386 --> 00:34:41.359
  • At some times.
  • 00:34:41.359 --> 00:34:42.727
  • But that grace that god shows us when we do that to him, that
  • 00:34:42.727 --> 00:34:48.766
  • Grace that god gives us.
  • 00:34:48.766 --> 00:34:50.635
  • We need to learn to give that grace to our spouse.
  • 00:34:50.635 --> 00:34:53.271
  • We need to continue to serve.
  • 00:34:53.271 --> 00:34:55.339
  • Do it as unto the lord.
  • 00:34:55.339 --> 00:34:57.208
  • Serve when you don't feel like serving.
  • 00:34:57.208 --> 00:35:00.811
  • You have to make a choice, and that choice is to do what
  • 00:35:00.811 --> 00:35:06.083
  • You can do.
  • 00:35:06.083 --> 00:35:07.218
  • It's not what someone does for you.
  • 00:35:07.218 --> 00:35:08.886
  • It's what you can do for somebody else.
  • 00:35:08.886 --> 00:35:10.454
  • And so i just encourage you to not stop giving, to not stop
  • 00:35:10.454 --> 00:35:16.360
  • Serving, not stop giving your all to the one that god maybe
  • 00:35:16.360 --> 00:35:20.298
  • Has called you alongside to help.
  • 00:35:20.298 --> 00:35:24.735
  • - be the first to know all the latest better together updates.
  • 00:35:26.037 --> 00:35:31.309
  • Visit bettertogether.tv to sign up for our weekly emails and
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  • Never miss the latest news.
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  • ♪ (music playing) ♪
  • 00:35:36.180 --> 00:35:36.998
  • ♪ (music playing) ♪
  • 00:35:36.998 --> 00:35:44.423
  • - knowing that marriage is a part of god's bigger story and
  • 00:35:44.423 --> 00:35:46.892
  • His purpose is so exciting for me.
  • 00:35:46.892 --> 00:35:50.495
  • I absolutely love being a part of something bigger than myself.
  • 00:35:50.495 --> 00:35:54.933
  • You know, when i think of marriage, i think about, it's an
  • 00:35:54.933 --> 00:35:57.869
  • Example of god's relationship with his church.
  • 00:35:57.869 --> 00:36:01.573
  • And i love that my husband and i get to experience that and to
  • 00:36:01.573 --> 00:36:04.676
  • Show the love of christ through our marriage.
  • 00:36:04.676 --> 00:36:06.545
  • Number two, i absolutely love that it's about growing and
  • 00:36:06.545 --> 00:36:10.148
  • Maturing to be all that god made us to be.
  • 00:36:10.148 --> 00:36:12.718
  • So being a part of god's bigger story makes me realize that he
  • 00:36:12.718 --> 00:36:16.321
  • Wants to refine me and bring out the best in me through the
  • 00:36:16.321 --> 00:36:20.259
  • Challenges, the wins that me and my partner experience.
  • 00:36:20.259 --> 00:36:23.962
  • And also, this is not just about me.
  • 00:36:23.962 --> 00:36:25.664
  • Being a part of god's kingdom purpose in marriage is about the
  • 00:36:25.664 --> 00:36:29.434
  • Next generation.
  • 00:36:29.434 --> 00:36:30.702
  • It's not only raising kids or spiritual kids, it's about
  • 00:36:30.702 --> 00:36:33.839
  • Passing the baton of faith to the next generation.
  • 00:36:33.839 --> 00:36:36.174
  • And i can't help myself.
  • 00:36:36.174 --> 00:36:38.210
  • I love it, i'm excited about it.
  • 00:36:38.210 --> 00:36:39.611
  • And i hope you are too, because your marriage, your life matters
  • 00:36:39.611 --> 00:36:43.548
  • Big in god's kingdom.
  • 00:36:43.548 --> 00:36:47.953
  • - i remember my mother-in-law would tell me papa, her
  • 00:36:49.121 --> 00:36:53.592
  • Husband, paul.
  • 00:36:53.592 --> 00:36:55.227
  • She said he's got so many gifts of running, he
  • 00:36:55.227 --> 00:37:01.500
  • Was a businessman.
  • 00:37:01.500 --> 00:37:02.200
  • Matt has many gifts.
  • 00:37:02.200 --> 00:37:05.003
  • You bring that out of what he does for a living.
  • 00:37:05.003 --> 00:37:08.473
  • You bring that into our home.
  • 00:37:08.473 --> 00:37:10.942
  • Those gifts can be like, i can't believe you or you can so the
  • 00:37:10.942 --> 00:37:13.545
  • Gifts that god gives each other i've had to look at his gift
  • 00:37:13.545 --> 00:37:17.115
  • That when you come in you want to design everything and you
  • 00:37:17.115 --> 00:37:23.221
  • Know i would want to for instance i remember coming home
  • 00:37:23.221 --> 00:37:26.725
  • As little girl my mom would have just redid all the furniture in
  • 00:37:26.725 --> 00:37:32.464
  • The house rearranged it you know and i remember that feeling i
  • 00:37:32.464 --> 00:37:36.668
  • Love that feeling of coming home from school and everything was
  • 00:37:36.668 --> 00:37:39.938
  • Moved around and it looked so cute and she did such a good job
  • 00:37:39.938 --> 00:37:43.508
  • At that.
  • 00:37:43.508 --> 00:37:44.276
  • And so i tried to do that.
  • 00:37:44.276 --> 00:37:45.944
  • Well, my husband can walk into an empty space and see it
  • 00:37:45.944 --> 00:37:50.215
  • Completely finished and i can't do that.
  • 00:37:50.215 --> 00:37:53.118
  • So a couple times i tried to rearrange the furniture while
  • 00:37:53.118 --> 00:37:56.855
  • Matt was at work, you know, and do my little thing the way my
  • 00:37:56.855 --> 00:38:00.592
  • Mom did it and he'd walk in and go, what'd you do?
  • 00:38:00.592 --> 00:38:05.130
  • What are you doing?
  • 00:38:05.130 --> 00:38:06.665
  • And it's like, well, i thought i would just put this over here.
  • 00:38:06.665 --> 00:38:10.635
  • You can't do that.
  • 00:38:10.635 --> 00:38:12.037
  • There has to be three over here and this.
  • 00:38:12.037 --> 00:38:14.239
  • This doesn't work.
  • 00:38:14.239 --> 00:38:15.741
  • And at first, it was like, don't tell me to not, this is my
  • 00:38:15.741 --> 00:38:22.381
  • Home too.
  • 00:38:22.381 --> 00:38:23.248
  • And, you know, he was always right.
  • 00:38:23.248 --> 00:38:26.618
  • He was always.
  • 00:38:26.618 --> 00:38:28.019
  • Don't tell him that i said that.
  • 00:38:28.019 --> 00:38:30.455
  • Nobody's listening.
  • 00:38:30.455 --> 00:38:31.289
  • - oh, thanks.
  • 00:38:31.289 --> 00:38:32.023
  • - thanks for the confidence.
  • 00:38:32.023 --> 00:38:33.592
  • But he was always right about all of that, because that's what
  • 00:38:33.592 --> 00:38:41.633
  • His gift was.
  • 00:38:41.633 --> 00:38:43.602
  • It wasn't mine.
  • 00:38:43.602 --> 00:38:44.970
  • I just screwed things up, you know, and it didn't look right.
  • 00:38:44.970 --> 00:38:47.139
  • And i finally got to where i could see that, yeah, that
  • 00:38:47.139 --> 00:38:51.343
  • Really doesn't look good.
  • 00:38:51.343 --> 00:38:52.144
  • Oh, it looks so much better.
  • 00:38:52.144 --> 00:38:53.678
  • - i want to share something, though, because i know that when
  • 00:38:53.678 --> 00:38:55.947
  • Barry and i don't know how many...
  • 00:38:55.947 --> 00:38:57.282
  • And barry's so much the same way.
  • 00:38:57.282 --> 00:38:58.617
  • Yeah, he is so much the same way.
  • 00:38:58.617 --> 00:38:59.951
  • But when i began to write books and i finished one manuscript
  • 00:38:59.951 --> 00:39:03.622
  • That i really loved.
  • 00:39:03.622 --> 00:39:04.790
  • I thought it was great, and i asked barry to read it.
  • 00:39:04.790 --> 00:39:08.326
  • And i was sitting waiting, you know, for this, you know, this
  • 00:39:08.326 --> 00:39:11.496
  • Will move the nations.
  • 00:39:11.496 --> 00:39:12.964
  • You know, god has fallen upon this.
  • 00:39:12.964 --> 00:39:15.233
  • - the tear came... - yes.
  • 00:39:15.233 --> 00:39:17.102
  • But what he actually said was, this is unpublishable.
  • 00:39:17.102 --> 00:39:20.305
  • And i'm like, what do you mean unpublishable?
  • 00:39:20.305 --> 00:39:22.574
  • He said, it's just unpublishable.
  • 00:39:22.574 --> 00:39:23.909
  • And i was devastated.
  • 00:39:23.909 --> 00:39:26.077
  • What i've learned through the years is, he was absolutely
  • 00:39:26.077 --> 00:39:29.915
  • Right, what he was trying to say was, you've gone so stream of
  • 00:39:29.915 --> 00:39:32.284
  • Consciousness here, but he's learned how to say things in a
  • 00:39:32.284 --> 00:39:34.953
  • Way that i can hear him.
  • 00:39:34.953 --> 00:39:36.154
  • You say to me something's unpublishable, and i want to
  • 00:39:36.154 --> 00:39:38.423
  • Punch you in the face, but saying, hey, you know what, it
  • 00:39:38.423 --> 00:39:41.693
  • Might be great if you could fill this out a little bit or carry
  • 00:39:41.693 --> 00:39:44.129
  • That all the way through.
  • 00:39:44.129 --> 00:39:45.397
  • So that's one of the things we've had to learn is how to
  • 00:39:45.397 --> 00:39:49.568
  • Share something to whether the other person can hear it and not
  • 00:39:49.568 --> 00:39:52.904
  • Be, you know.
  • 00:39:52.904 --> 00:39:53.839
  • - mike is still working on that.
  • 00:39:53.839 --> 00:39:56.708
  • - matt would always say, don't you want to be better?
  • 00:39:56.708 --> 00:39:58.977
  • - that's mike.
  • 00:39:58.977 --> 00:40:00.178
  • No, really.
  • 00:40:00.178 --> 00:40:00.846
  • He's the same way.
  • 00:40:00.846 --> 00:40:01.746
  • No, i don't.
  • 00:40:01.746 --> 00:40:02.547
  • It's like, no, leave me alone.
  • 00:40:02.547 --> 00:40:04.349
  • - yes, but not you.
  • 00:40:04.349 --> 00:40:05.817
  • - accept me the way that i am.
  • 00:40:05.817 --> 00:40:08.620
  • I mean, this is so, mike, but i do know that i am where i am in
  • 00:40:08.620 --> 00:40:15.393
  • Life because of him.
  • 00:40:15.393 --> 00:40:16.294
  • Seriously, absolutely.
  • 00:40:16.294 --> 00:40:17.629
  • Totally hands down.
  • 00:40:17.629 --> 00:40:18.864
  • I mean, he would have to take credit.
  • 00:40:18.864 --> 00:40:20.665
  • Of course, you know, we give glory and honor to god, but god
  • 00:40:20.665 --> 00:40:23.768
  • Uses man. absolutely.
  • 00:40:23.768 --> 00:40:25.737
  • And he has really helped to develop me.
  • 00:40:25.737 --> 00:40:29.508
  • The same guy who i said in the beginning was the one who really
  • 00:40:29.508 --> 00:40:33.545
  • Stripped my confidence- i allowed to strip my confidence
  • 00:40:33.545 --> 00:40:37.015
  • Is the same man who i've had to listen to to build me up to
  • 00:40:37.015 --> 00:40:40.585
  • Where i am today.
  • 00:40:40.585 --> 00:40:41.920
  • Which is amazing but he's the same way, i'll teach something
  • 00:40:41.920 --> 00:40:46.491
  • And he'll say why didn't you teach that?
  • 00:40:46.491 --> 00:40:49.194
  • Why didn't you say this?
  • 00:40:49.194 --> 00:40:50.362
  • Did you think about this?
  • 00:40:50.362 --> 00:40:51.663
  • So my mom even when she was feisty in the home, she wasn't
  • 00:40:51.663 --> 00:40:57.402
  • Feisty outside of the home, she was raised in an environment
  • 00:40:57.402 --> 00:41:01.640
  • Where you don't look people in the eye, especially adults.
  • 00:41:01.640 --> 00:41:04.809
  • The confidence levels, you could put a camera on her today and
  • 00:41:04.809 --> 00:41:09.214
  • She'd be like, put her hand down and get real shy and bashful.
  • 00:41:09.214 --> 00:41:13.685
  • And so i have six siblings, 5 girls and 2 boys, all of us were
  • 00:41:13.685 --> 00:41:20.191
  • Raised the same way.
  • 00:41:20.191 --> 00:41:21.526
  • We didn't speak up, we would never look you in the eye, when
  • 00:41:21.526 --> 00:41:24.596
  • We would speak to you, you know, would never handle
  • 00:41:24.596 --> 00:41:28.199
  • Certain things.
  • 00:41:28.199 --> 00:41:29.568
  • And so i remember even when we were pastor, he was pastor, and
  • 00:41:29.568 --> 00:41:33.071
  • I'm on the stage with him, and he would ask me a question, and
  • 00:41:33.071 --> 00:41:36.508
  • He was right here, and i'm saying, well, you know,
  • 00:41:36.508 --> 00:41:40.011
  • I don't know.
  • 00:41:40.011 --> 00:41:41.112
  • Like talking up here, he would stop me and look.
  • 00:41:41.112 --> 00:41:43.448
  • He said, deedee, who are you talking to?
  • 00:41:43.448 --> 00:41:45.684
  • I'm like, not in front of all these people, you know, because
  • 00:41:45.684 --> 00:41:49.087
  • That's how i would feel.
  • 00:41:49.087 --> 00:41:50.088
  • But it really put a demand on me to grow up.
  • 00:41:50.088 --> 00:41:53.425
  • That's right.
  • 00:41:53.425 --> 00:41:54.759
  • And now i never would thought that i would be doing what i'm
  • 00:41:54.759 --> 00:41:58.964
  • Doing today.
  • 00:41:58.964 --> 00:42:00.298
  • And then when they call, i'm like, god, you're playing jokes
  • 00:42:00.298 --> 00:42:03.735
  • On me.
  • 00:42:03.735 --> 00:42:04.970
  • But god had in him to prepare me for something that i'm
  • 00:42:04.970 --> 00:42:09.941
  • Doing today.
  • 00:42:09.941 --> 00:42:11.242
  • And we discount all of those instructions or corrections or
  • 00:42:11.242 --> 00:42:15.947
  • Maturing opportunities and think it's just, oh, they just against
  • 00:42:15.947 --> 00:42:21.119
  • Me. they want to put me down.
  • 00:42:21.119 --> 00:42:21.820
  • They don't believe in me.
  • 00:42:21.820 --> 00:42:23.121
  • But it's like, no, you're my partner.
  • 00:42:23.121 --> 00:42:25.690
  • I want to make you better.
  • 00:42:25.690 --> 00:42:26.758
  • - i love that.
  • 00:42:26.758 --> 00:42:28.093
  • - and so now we have used all of those things to improve who i am
  • 00:42:28.093 --> 00:42:31.663
  • And the same with him.
  • 00:42:31.663 --> 00:42:32.897
  • Now he's able to receive from me to improve who he is.
  • 00:42:32.897 --> 00:42:37.769
  • Receiving feedback from my husband was very difficult in
  • 00:42:37.769 --> 00:42:42.307
  • The beginning because i always felt like it was a put down.
  • 00:42:42.307 --> 00:42:45.844
  • It was something to degrade me or make me feel less than.
  • 00:42:45.844 --> 00:42:50.148
  • And when i realized that he was on my team, that he was my
  • 00:42:50.148 --> 00:42:55.053
  • Partner, that he cared more about me than about how i was
  • 00:42:55.053 --> 00:43:00.992
  • Even feeling at the time, i started to embrace the
  • 00:43:00.992 --> 00:43:05.330
  • Instructions and embrace the corrective, if you will,
  • 00:43:05.330 --> 00:43:10.135
  • Criticisms or the, you know, with more compassion.
  • 00:43:10.135 --> 00:43:13.872
  • I stopped making it about me and how i felt.
  • 00:43:13.872 --> 00:43:19.244
  • And so i would suggest to you, if you want to grow in your
  • 00:43:19.244 --> 00:43:22.514
  • Relationship, if you want to have better, start seeing your
  • 00:43:22.514 --> 00:43:26.217
  • Spouse as someone supportive and not as someone that is here to
  • 00:43:26.217 --> 00:43:31.056
  • Tear you down.
  • 00:43:31.056 --> 00:43:32.691
  • - if we could all get this when we get married, if we can all
  • 00:43:32.691 --> 00:43:38.296
  • Just understand and not fight against every little thing, i
  • 00:43:38.296 --> 00:43:43.601
  • Mean how many moments have we wasted, i'll take that
  • 00:43:43.601 --> 00:43:47.072
  • Personally, how many moments have i wasted in fighting
  • 00:43:47.072 --> 00:43:51.409
  • Against something that god has sent to me as a gift?
  • 00:43:51.409 --> 00:43:55.980
  • I mean, my husband is a gift to me.
  • 00:43:55.980 --> 00:43:58.216
  • And together, you're called to do something great in the
  • 00:43:58.216 --> 00:44:02.053
  • Kingdom of god.
  • 00:44:02.053 --> 00:44:03.488
  • I believe that with all my heart.
  • 00:44:03.488 --> 00:44:05.256
  • And so if we can learn early in our marriage, and i understand
  • 00:44:05.256 --> 00:44:10.328
  • The knee-jerk reaction, you know, of the early marriage and
  • 00:44:10.328 --> 00:44:14.766
  • The, whoa, you just said that to me.
  • 00:44:14.766 --> 00:44:17.135
  • And, you know, and now i'm supposed to accept that.
  • 00:44:17.135 --> 00:44:20.105
  • But i think we don't go to the lord enough.
  • 00:44:20.105 --> 00:44:24.309
  • - that's right. - i know.
  • 00:44:24.309 --> 00:44:25.376
  • - on it.
  • 00:44:25.376 --> 00:44:26.711
  • And those things that we can get offended by, take it to the
  • 00:44:26.711 --> 00:44:29.814
  • Lord... you know?
  • 00:44:29.814 --> 00:44:31.549
  • And say, god, you need to create in me and let me be
  • 00:44:31.549 --> 00:44:36.321
  • Able to love the way you loved. - yeah.
  • 00:44:36.321 --> 00:44:38.623
  • - and if you don't feel like doing something for your
  • 00:44:38.623 --> 00:44:42.694
  • Husband, if you don't do it unto the lord yes amen do it unto the
  • 00:44:42.694 --> 00:44:47.198
  • Lord that's good serve him as unto the lord you keep your life
  • 00:44:47.198 --> 00:44:51.569
  • Right with christ.
  • 00:44:51.569 --> 00:44:53.037
  • You keep that doorway open and and if you i've always said
  • 00:44:53.037 --> 00:44:57.976
  • This if you think that you've received anything from god, your
  • 00:44:57.976 --> 00:45:02.046
  • Family, your husband and your family are going to be the first
  • 00:45:02.046 --> 00:45:06.484
  • Reciprocators because i do believe your ministry is your
  • 00:45:06.484 --> 00:45:09.788
  • Family in miniature.
  • 00:45:09.788 --> 00:45:11.122
  • You know, and that if i have anything that i think i'm going
  • 00:45:11.122 --> 00:45:14.459
  • To sit here and give out, my husband's going to be the first
  • 00:45:14.459 --> 00:45:18.763
  • One to overflow to.
  • 00:45:18.763 --> 00:45:20.198
  • My children are going to be the second to overflow to anything
  • 00:45:20.198 --> 00:45:23.902
  • That i've received from god.
  • 00:45:23.902 --> 00:45:25.403
  • And my life in christ and then together with my husband
  • 00:45:25.403 --> 00:45:30.708
  • Is everything.
  • 00:45:30.708 --> 00:45:31.476
  • But i have to be whole first.
  • 00:45:31.476 --> 00:45:34.646
  • I have to seek god's kingdom for my life.
  • 00:45:34.646 --> 00:45:37.448
  • And that includes your marriage.
  • 00:45:37.448 --> 00:45:39.384
  • So we say marriage is hard.
  • 00:45:39.384 --> 00:45:41.186
  • Well, divorce is hard to too.
  • 00:45:41.186 --> 00:45:43.121
  • So pick your hard.
  • 00:45:43.121 --> 00:45:44.823
  • - pick your hard.
  • 00:45:44.823 --> 00:45:46.758
  • I think a lot of times people have prayed so hard to
  • 00:45:46.758 --> 00:45:49.494
  • Be married.
  • 00:45:49.494 --> 00:45:50.428
  • And then god gives you what you want.
  • 00:45:50.428 --> 00:45:52.931
  • God gives you that spouse that you want.
  • 00:45:52.931 --> 00:45:54.332
  • And sometimes it just takes faith because in our household,
  • 00:45:54.332 --> 00:45:58.803
  • We were never able to say the d word.
  • 00:45:58.803 --> 00:46:02.407
  • And that was not a choice.
  • 00:46:02.407 --> 00:46:05.243
  • That was not on the table.
  • 00:46:05.243 --> 00:46:07.045
  • That's not something we ever spoke about.
  • 00:46:07.045 --> 00:46:10.381
  • And because we had made the decision already that we were
  • 00:46:10.381 --> 00:46:13.885
  • Going to be married and we're going to be married for life.
  • 00:46:13.885 --> 00:46:16.087
  • And a lot of times you have to believe god in times when you
  • 00:46:16.087 --> 00:46:22.961
  • Think you can't make it.
  • 00:46:22.961 --> 00:46:24.262
  • When you think, i can't take another day of this or things
  • 00:46:24.262 --> 00:46:26.030
  • Have gone so wrong, god wants to give you the faith to carry on,
  • 00:46:26.030 --> 00:46:32.570
  • To keep going.
  • 00:46:32.570 --> 00:46:34.005
  • And i'm talking in a healthy, beautiful relationship that god
  • 00:46:34.005 --> 00:46:38.309
  • Has created you to be in.
  • 00:46:38.309 --> 00:46:39.677
  • And so growing our faith, you know, we ask god, you know, let
  • 00:46:39.677 --> 00:46:44.616
  • Us be a tool for you.
  • 00:46:44.616 --> 00:46:46.517
  • Let us love others.
  • 00:46:46.517 --> 00:46:48.086
  • Let us, you know, well, he's going to give you the
  • 00:46:48.086 --> 00:46:50.321
  • Opportunity to do all that.
  • 00:46:50.321 --> 00:46:51.956
  • And so if you want to be god's hand and feet extended, god's
  • 00:46:51.956 --> 00:46:57.896
  • Going to give you the opportunity.
  • 00:46:57.896 --> 00:47:00.899
  • Normally it's through that one that you've asked for that god's
  • 00:47:00.899 --> 00:47:04.302
  • Given you.
  • 00:47:04.302 --> 00:47:05.436
  • It's that spouse.
  • 00:47:05.436 --> 00:47:06.638
  • And so i encourage you today.
  • 00:47:06.638 --> 00:47:08.873
  • Just keep going, keep moving, keep believing well, keep doing
  • 00:47:08.873 --> 00:47:13.444
  • What you know to do, asking god to help you seeking god for his
  • 00:47:13.444 --> 00:47:19.350
  • Answers, for what to say, just all those things.
  • 00:47:19.350 --> 00:47:25.890
  • God will help you.
  • 00:47:25.890 --> 00:47:27.091
  • God, the holy spirit comes alongside to help you and to
  • 00:47:27.091 --> 00:47:29.627
  • Help you overcome.
  • 00:47:29.627 --> 00:47:33.197
  • - how long does it have to take for someone, you know, to
  • 00:47:33.197 --> 00:47:37.635
  • Get there?
  • 00:47:37.635 --> 00:47:38.970
  • It's like, because they could be looking at us thinking, oh, they
  • 00:47:38.970 --> 00:47:41.706
  • All of them, 26, round it all, 30.
  • 00:47:41.706 --> 00:47:44.909
  • You know, all of us have a good 30 years of marriage here.
  • 00:47:44.909 --> 00:47:49.881
  • And so they could be at home thinking, yeah, well, i've only
  • 00:47:49.881 --> 00:47:53.851
  • Been married for a year or two years.
  • 00:47:53.851 --> 00:47:56.321
  • Hang in there, baby.
  • 00:47:56.321 --> 00:47:57.622
  • Hang in there.
  • 00:47:57.622 --> 00:47:58.790
  • You know, hang in there and focus on what's right.
  • 00:47:58.790 --> 00:48:01.859
  • Focus on what's working and celebrate that.
  • 00:48:01.859 --> 00:48:04.162
  • Amplify the wins, and even if you have to do an inventory
  • 00:48:04.162 --> 00:48:08.099
  • Every month or, you know, every week, date night, or even once a
  • 00:48:08.099 --> 00:48:11.069
  • Year, amplify the progress.
  • 00:48:11.069 --> 00:48:13.571
  • Because that's the journey.
  • 00:48:13.571 --> 00:48:14.906
  • Like, where i am today, i just am excited for next year because
  • 00:48:14.906 --> 00:48:18.076
  • I'll be farther.
  • 00:48:18.076 --> 00:48:19.310
  • We'll be farther together because we said yes, and we're
  • 00:48:19.310 --> 00:48:22.580
  • Like, we're in it to win it.
  • 00:48:22.580 --> 00:48:24.015
  • - okay, i'm going to love this week.
  • 00:48:24.015 --> 00:48:26.084
  • Let's thank the lord.
  • 00:48:26.084 --> 00:48:27.185
  • Father, i'm so grateful for your kindness to us.
  • 00:48:27.185 --> 00:48:31.689
  • Lord, when i think of all the different stories, just here in
  • 00:48:31.689 --> 00:48:34.726
  • This one room and then in all the rooms of our friends.
  • 00:48:34.726 --> 00:48:38.896
  • And yet, lord, we see this red thread, this scarlet thread of
  • 00:48:38.896 --> 00:48:43.267
  • Your faithfulness and your love and the way that you have taken
  • 00:48:43.267 --> 00:48:48.206
  • Us to places that we could never have gone by ourself.
  • 00:48:48.206 --> 00:48:51.776
  • And lord, i'm just, i'm so grateful for the healing that
  • 00:48:51.776 --> 00:48:54.612
  • You've brought to our lives.
  • 00:48:54.612 --> 00:48:56.547
  • But i specifically want to pray it, lord, right now, for those
  • 00:48:56.547 --> 00:48:59.751
  • Who find themselves in a challenging place.
  • 00:48:59.751 --> 00:49:02.420
  • Lord, i know what that feels like.
  • 00:49:02.420 --> 00:49:04.789
  • I remember what that feels like when you think, what did i do or
  • 00:49:04.789 --> 00:49:07.925
  • We're never going to make it?
  • 00:49:07.925 --> 00:49:09.827
  • Holy spirit, i ask that you would do what only you can do.
  • 00:49:09.827 --> 00:49:14.165
  • That you would fall upon your people and help us to listen to
  • 00:49:14.165 --> 00:49:18.903
  • You, to block out the lies of the enemy, and to focus and
  • 00:49:18.903 --> 00:49:23.908
  • Build our lives on the truth of who you are and who you
  • 00:49:23.908 --> 00:49:28.112
  • Say we are.
  • 00:49:28.112 --> 00:49:29.113
  • Lord, be with us this week.
  • 00:49:29.113 --> 00:49:30.982
  • We ask for your anointing, and we ask in jesus' name. amen.
  • 00:49:30.982 --> 00:49:36.521
  • - connect with us on social media and let us know how our
  • 00:49:36.521 --> 00:49:39.090
  • Team can pray for you.
  • 00:49:39.090 --> 00:49:40.224
  • ♪ (music playing) ♪
  • 00:49:40.224 --> 00:49:48.166
  • - we are behind the scenes at better together.
  • 00:49:48.166 --> 00:49:50.635
  • Let's talk about looking for love.
  • 00:49:50.635 --> 00:49:52.937
  • All right, dr. angie, here we go.
  • 00:49:52.937 --> 00:49:55.473
  • What advice would you give our single viewers on what qualities
  • 00:49:55.473 --> 00:49:59.343
  • To look for in a god-ordained relationship?
  • 00:49:59.343 --> 00:50:01.913
  • - oh, my goodness.
  • 00:50:01.913 --> 00:50:02.914
  • Number one, loves god.
  • 00:50:02.914 --> 00:50:05.283
  • Committed to christ.
  • 00:50:05.283 --> 00:50:07.085
  • Not just loves god, but is just demonstrating behaviors that
  • 00:50:07.085 --> 00:50:11.122
  • Align with god.
  • 00:50:11.122 --> 00:50:12.156
  • - means they don't just go to church.
  • 00:50:12.156 --> 00:50:13.491
  • - thank you.
  • 00:50:13.491 --> 00:50:14.592
  • They walk the talk, so what's their life like?
  • 00:50:14.592 --> 00:50:17.061
  • Quality is also kindness.
  • 00:50:17.061 --> 00:50:19.163
  • Kindness is important.
  • 00:50:19.163 --> 00:50:20.498
  • You don't want someone that's harsh, but someone who's kind,
  • 00:50:20.498 --> 00:50:23.234
  • But also strong and has a protector quality.
  • 00:50:23.234 --> 00:50:25.603
  • I think that's huge, because you want a leader.
  • 00:50:25.603 --> 00:50:29.240
  • You want a servant leader.
  • 00:50:29.240 --> 00:50:30.441
  • So i would definitely christ-centered, demonstrating
  • 00:50:30.441 --> 00:50:32.510
  • Christ-like qualities, kind and someone who's a leader.
  • 00:50:32.510 --> 00:50:37.515
  • - stream full episodes of better together on demand.
  • 00:50:37.515 --> 00:50:42.253
  • Go to bettertogether.tv to stream all of our
  • 00:50:42.253 --> 00:50:45.857
  • Latest conversations.
  • 00:50:45.857 --> 00:50:47.024
  • ♪ (music playing) ♪
  • 00:50:47.024 --> 00:50:47.024