Better Together

Navigating Family Conflict - Episode 1077

July 15, 2025 | S7 E1077 | 52:34

Sheila Walsh, Naomi Raine, Nicole Binion, Kirsten Watson, and Elyse Mahan explore how family conflict can be surrendered to God, met with grace, and lead to deeper unity and growth.

Closed captions

Show Timecode

Better Together | Navigating Family Conflict - Episode 1077 | July 15, 2025

- drama, strife, arguments, wounds from family can cut deep.
00:00:00.423 --> 00:00:05.628
And today we're talking about how to navigate family and
00:00:05.628 --> 00:00:07.430
Conflict and find forgiveness.
00:00:07.430 --> 00:00:10.333
Come on, we need to talk about this.
00:00:10.333 --> 00:00:11.768
[music]
00:00:11.768 --> 00:00:39.462
- family conflict,it's so heavy sometimes.
00:00:40.430 --> 00:00:44.868
I remember growing up in my family, like i said,
00:00:44.868 --> 00:00:47.737
As the youngest of three.
00:00:47.737 --> 00:00:49.072
And my sister, the oldest child, was just very passionate in her
00:00:49.072 --> 00:00:54.911
Fighting and conflict.
00:00:54.911 --> 00:00:56.146
Like, she was the loudest.
00:00:56.146 --> 00:00:57.514
I think that was her, like, if i just shout, you get it?
00:00:57.514 --> 00:01:00.483
And she was always right without doing the research.
00:01:00.483 --> 00:01:03.820
So she'd be like, this is fact.
00:01:03.820 --> 00:01:05.755
And my brother, who is now a lawyer, was the diligent one.
00:01:05.755 --> 00:01:09.359
So he would bring pages of evidence.
00:01:09.359 --> 00:01:11.227
Like actually, except 6, 7 from last september,
00:01:11.227 --> 00:01:14.564
When you did this, you said, and he'd get you on a technicality.
00:01:14.564 --> 00:01:17.634
And so by the time i came along, there was no more room for a
00:01:17.634 --> 00:01:19.068
Conflict style other than just happy to be here,
00:01:19.068 --> 00:01:22.572
Like just lowering the tension, you know,
00:01:22.572 --> 00:01:26.976
But there was something in my little kid heart that was able
00:01:26.976 --> 00:01:31.447
To dispel tension in a room.
00:01:31.447 --> 00:01:33.449
And that's a really cool ability to have except when you get
00:01:33.449 --> 00:01:39.355
Older and that stays the conflict style as opposed to
00:01:39.355 --> 00:01:44.460
Intentionally leaning into conflict and i thought if a
00:01:44.460 --> 00:01:47.263
Relationship was void of conflict it was a good one
00:01:47.263 --> 00:01:49.499
Rather than realizing that a conflict free relationship is
00:01:49.499 --> 00:01:52.869
Actually just a really shallow relationship.
00:01:52.869 --> 00:01:55.338
Because how do we make contact with people without having
00:01:55.338 --> 00:01:58.508
Conflict?
00:01:58.508 --> 00:01:59.842
And growing up then, moving to los angeles, not knowing anyone,
00:01:59.842 --> 00:02:01.978
Being away from my family, everyone that had known me my
00:02:01.978 --> 00:02:05.448
Whole life, now it was dispelling tension and shape
00:02:05.448 --> 00:02:09.919
Shifting.
00:02:09.919 --> 00:02:11.387
So just let me be who you need me to be in a room so that you
00:02:11.387 --> 00:02:13.790
Like me.
00:02:13.790 --> 00:02:15.091
And i didn't realize that people pleasing is maybe the opposite
00:02:15.091 --> 00:02:21.264
Of healthy conflict.
00:02:21.264 --> 00:02:22.665
I don't know if it's the actual answer to them in the
00:02:22.665 --> 00:02:24.367
Dictionary, but it's got to be close,
00:02:24.367 --> 00:02:26.236
Because i found myself just being who you need me to be,
00:02:26.236 --> 00:02:29.572
Just so that we can avoid conflict.
00:02:29.572 --> 00:02:31.908
And if there was conflict, let me just run away and find a new
00:02:31.908 --> 00:02:34.210
Relationship, because in a big city,
00:02:34.210 --> 00:02:35.278
That was actually able to be possible.
00:02:35.278 --> 00:02:37.647
I get married, and then learn that you're so close to someone
00:02:37.647 --> 00:02:41.384
That conflict is going to arise, but then through situation after
00:02:41.384 --> 00:02:45.288
Situation in this new family, which i knew the bible,
00:02:45.288 --> 00:02:47.223
So i knew that i meant to leave and cleave, you know?
00:02:47.223 --> 00:02:51.661
I found that if i wasn't silent about conflict,
00:02:51.661 --> 00:02:54.831
I would be stonewalled for days at a time so if i were to bring
00:02:54.831 --> 00:02:58.601
Up something, or get emotional, or have a meltdown,
00:02:58.601 --> 00:03:01.037
Or talk about some real conflict,
00:03:01.037 --> 00:03:03.473
Then he would leave for days at a time.
00:03:03.473 --> 00:03:07.243
So i'm a little girl growing up really
00:03:07.243 --> 00:03:09.345
Truly believing that i'm easy to love because of the family i was
00:03:09.345 --> 00:03:12.382
In, but then i have a man leave me and tack on this lie that
00:03:12.382 --> 00:03:17.220
Affects all of my conflict.
00:03:17.220 --> 00:03:18.821
That yeah, i'm easy to love, but i'm also really easy to leave.
00:03:18.821 --> 00:03:22.258
And if you bring anything up, they'll leave.
00:03:22.258 --> 00:03:25.161
And so much of my healing journey was god,
00:03:25.161 --> 00:03:29.399
I am shaking to find my voice.
00:03:29.399 --> 00:03:33.303
Thank god, built family around me that forced that voice to
00:03:33.303 --> 00:03:40.443
Come out.
00:03:40.443 --> 00:03:41.744
And for a while, as we do, the pendulum swings in conflict
00:03:41.744 --> 00:03:44.614
Styles, so then she just got real aggressive and was like,
00:03:44.614 --> 00:03:47.150
I'm going to tell you everything,
00:03:47.150 --> 00:03:48.484
Because i think there was this pent up thing inside me.
00:03:48.484 --> 00:03:50.920
- right, right.
00:03:50.920 --> 00:03:52.221
- and maybe that's not a super healthy idea either,
00:03:52.221 --> 00:03:53.623
But there were so many years of-- so i'm sure people can
00:03:53.623 --> 00:03:56.259
Relate to that if you've had your voice stolen,
00:03:56.259 --> 00:03:58.361
There is a season where you just got to be heard-- - you got to
00:03:58.361 --> 00:04:01.030
Work that muscle.
00:04:01.030 --> 00:04:02.565
And that's you got to work that muscle and sometimes you overdo
00:04:02.565 --> 00:04:05.001
It like my that that's on me.
00:04:05.001 --> 00:04:08.104
And i try to find a balance in it and even
00:04:08.104 --> 00:04:10.006
Just recently getting married and my husband
00:04:10.006 --> 00:04:12.575
Is the steadiest human praise god he knew i needed him in the
00:04:12.575 --> 00:04:17.113
World and is calm and in our conflict style,
00:04:17.113 --> 00:04:20.216
It's funny because i'll melt down or break down and he'll
00:04:20.216 --> 00:04:23.786
Shut down, but it's a healthier version than what i had.
00:04:23.786 --> 00:04:28.558
And so it's easy to be triggered in that sense because i see a
00:04:28.558 --> 00:04:30.827
Shutdown when he just needs time because he's just an introvert.
00:04:30.827 --> 00:04:33.896
And he's like, "no, i just need to play some video games for a
00:04:33.896 --> 00:04:35.765
Sec and then i'll be good."
00:04:35.765 --> 00:04:37.200
But god in different situations has
00:04:37.200 --> 00:04:39.469
Had to teach me, elise, he is not against you.
00:04:39.469 --> 00:04:41.671
You just have different conflict styles.
00:04:41.671 --> 00:04:44.507
But when you've been hurt by unhealthy or toxic conflict
00:04:44.507 --> 00:04:47.276
Styles, a different conflict style can look like an enemy.
00:04:47.276 --> 00:04:51.748
And i think that that has been the journey i've been on,
00:04:51.748 --> 00:04:54.484
And we've been on, and i'm so grateful for a man that if we do
00:04:54.484 --> 00:04:59.322
Not agree, we'll go to god.
00:04:59.322 --> 00:05:01.657
- you know what?
00:05:02.091 --> 00:05:03.593
One thing i love about scripture is that everything that we will
00:05:03.593 --> 00:05:06.262
Face and deal with in life, we can find examples in
00:05:06.262 --> 00:05:11.300
The scripture and we can find, like,
00:05:11.300 --> 00:05:12.635
A template of how to deal with it.
00:05:12.635 --> 00:05:15.171
And so there is a scripture that says,
00:05:15.171 --> 00:05:16.572
If we bring an offering to the lord,
00:05:16.572 --> 00:05:19.809
And there is an offense in our heart towards someone else,
00:05:19.809 --> 00:05:26.649
That we would press pause on bringing that gift to the lord,
00:05:26.649 --> 00:05:31.687
And that we would go find that brother or sister in the lord,
00:05:31.687 --> 00:05:37.093
And ask for forgiveness or deal with the issue before we bring
00:05:38.394 --> 00:05:44.867
Our gift to god.
00:05:44.867 --> 00:05:46.202
There's another example in scripture where if we confront
00:05:46.302 --> 00:05:54.210
An issue or have a tough conversation with someone
00:05:54.210 --> 00:05:59.182
In that we have conflict with, if we
00:05:59.182 --> 00:06:01.951
Can't resolve it between the two of
00:06:01.951 --> 00:06:03.753
Us, that we would bring other wise people in our lives to a
00:06:03.753 --> 00:06:08.825
Conversation and deal with the conflict together.
00:06:08.825 --> 00:06:12.929
So there is a way, a godly way, to find resolution when conflict
00:06:12.929 --> 00:06:18.000
Arises.
00:06:18.000 --> 00:06:19.435
And i think, you know, when i look at times in my life and
00:06:19.435 --> 00:06:21.904
I've had to deal with certain things,
00:06:21.904 --> 00:06:23.973
I've been so glad to have other people in my life who maybe
00:06:23.973 --> 00:06:28.611
They're a little bit older than me,
00:06:28.611 --> 00:06:30.613
Or maybe they've been walking with the lord longer than me,
00:06:30.613 --> 00:06:33.416
But i always seek wise counsel, and so we look to the
00:06:33.416 --> 00:06:38.254
Scriptures, we have the tough conversations and deal with
00:06:38.254 --> 00:06:43.059
Conflict, and if we need to seek counsel and maybe bring some
00:06:43.059 --> 00:06:46.662
Other godly wise people into the conversation, we can do that.
00:06:46.662 --> 00:06:50.733
But we can find resolve, especially for those of us who
00:06:50.733 --> 00:06:55.238
Are brothers and sisters in christ.
00:06:55.238 --> 00:06:57.773
We're in the family of god.
00:06:57.773 --> 00:06:58.941
Come on, we can humble ourselves and we can resolve our
00:06:58.941 --> 00:07:02.812
Conflicts.
00:07:02.812 --> 00:07:03.679
- and then i look in genesis 3 and because i'm like,
00:07:04.814 --> 00:07:07.950
I don't know if you guys ever think this, but i'm like,
00:07:07.950 --> 00:07:09.952
Is it normal to have like this much conflict in my life?
00:07:09.952 --> 00:07:12.255
Am i always fighting with people or is it just me?
00:07:12.255 --> 00:07:14.056
What's happening?
00:07:14.056 --> 00:07:15.525
Like, but i look at the fall, and the result of adam and eve
00:07:15.525 --> 00:07:18.561
When sin entered the world was not just conflict entering,
00:07:18.561 --> 00:07:22.031
But conflict with each other.
00:07:22.031 --> 00:07:23.699
Because when god calls to adam and says, "where are you?"
00:07:23.699 --> 00:07:26.936
Genesis 3:10, adam says, "i heard the sound of you.
00:07:26.936 --> 00:07:30.206
I was afraid 'cause i was naked, so i hid myself."
00:07:30.206 --> 00:07:32.375
And god said, "who told you you were naked?"
00:07:32.375 --> 00:07:34.043
Verse 12, the man said, "the woman whom you gave to be with
00:07:34.043 --> 00:07:38.447
Me, she gave me the fruit from the tree.
00:07:38.447 --> 00:07:40.816
Very triggering.
00:07:40.816 --> 00:07:42.184
But i think from the very beginning the enemy's tactic
00:07:42.184 --> 00:07:45.054
When it comes to our closest relationships that god was meant
00:07:45.054 --> 00:07:47.123
To bring unity and show us who he is through them was to bring
00:07:47.123 --> 00:07:51.694
Conflict and not just conflict, but conflict with each other.
00:07:51.694 --> 00:07:55.831
You're now my enemy.
00:07:55.831 --> 00:07:56.999
I'm against you.
00:07:56.999 --> 00:07:58.434
And so i'm just, i'm on this journey right now realizing i'll
00:07:58.434 --> 00:08:01.037
Never be a result of conflict and conflict isn't the enemy,
00:08:01.037 --> 00:08:04.840
It's what i do with it.
00:08:04.840 --> 00:08:06.375
So i don't know if you guys have had,
00:08:06.375 --> 00:08:07.610
Obviously we've had conflict in family,
00:08:07.610 --> 00:08:10.246
But how even growing up or different conflict styles,
00:08:10.246 --> 00:08:13.149
How god's had to teach you through that,
00:08:13.149 --> 00:08:14.684
Maybe through pain.
00:08:14.684 --> 00:08:15.818
When it comes to conflict in family, it's layered,
00:08:15.818 --> 00:08:19.088
It's complicated, but we do have to talk about it.
00:08:19.088 --> 00:08:22.325
- one of the things that was really hard for me growing up
00:08:22.325 --> 00:08:25.127
Was we did not talk about anything.
00:08:25.127 --> 00:08:27.630
And i don't honestly know because we were scottish and,
00:08:27.630 --> 00:08:31.434
You know, a little more reticent about sharing what we were
00:08:31.434 --> 00:08:33.836
Feeling or just the trauma of my father's suicide.
00:08:33.836 --> 00:08:38.307
I don't remember my mother ever raising her voice.
00:08:38.307 --> 00:08:41.644
I don't remember ever having an argument in our house.
00:08:41.644 --> 00:08:45.848
I don't remember any of that because we just didn't,
00:08:45.848 --> 00:08:48.818
We all-- i think sometimes when there's a deep wound in
00:08:48.818 --> 00:08:51.921
Childhood, we just have different survival styles.
00:08:51.921 --> 00:08:53.656
And so my sister pulled into herself.
00:08:53.656 --> 00:08:57.860
My kind of ongoing picture of my sister was that she kind of
00:08:57.860 --> 00:09:01.030
Pulled into herself and she would sit in a corner and read
00:09:01.030 --> 00:09:03.466
Books.
00:09:03.466 --> 00:09:04.667
But she was in-- it was almost like there was a kind of
00:09:04.667 --> 00:09:06.068
Plexiglass thing around her.
00:09:06.068 --> 00:09:08.070
My brother was little, so he wasn't as impacted.
00:09:08.070 --> 00:09:10.606
And i became the one that was like, ok, are you ok?
00:09:10.606 --> 00:09:13.509
What can i do?
00:09:13.509 --> 00:09:13.943
Are you ok?
00:09:13.943 --> 00:09:15.511
Barry asked me-- my husband barry asked me the other day.
00:09:15.511 --> 00:09:16.979
I have this habit of giving things that i really love away.
00:09:16.979 --> 00:09:20.149
And i mean that can be a good thing.
00:09:20.149 --> 00:09:22.051
It can be just-- but there was something that i did that he was
00:09:22.051 --> 00:09:25.087
Cheryl like why do you do that.
00:09:25.087 --> 00:09:27.456
And he asked in such a way that it made me pause and think.
00:09:27.556 --> 00:09:32.862
And i thought you know what i'm still trying to pay a bill that
00:09:32.862 --> 00:09:36.132
I can't pay.
00:09:36.132 --> 00:09:38.467
Like when i was 12 i remember taking everything that i loved
00:09:38.467 --> 00:09:41.937
Which at that point is dolls and little pieces of jewelry and
00:09:41.937 --> 00:09:45.808
Anything to school.
00:09:45.808 --> 00:09:47.243
And i sold it all at lunchtime so that i could buy my mom a
00:09:47.243 --> 00:09:50.112
Better birthday gift.
00:09:50.112 --> 00:09:51.547
And always spent my lunch on my brother,
00:09:51.547 --> 00:09:54.483
And i thought it has been a patter through the years,
00:09:54.483 --> 00:09:56.986
And you know we just come out of the eastern not that long ago,
00:09:56.986 --> 00:10:00.656
And somehow this eastern is whole understanding of it is
00:10:00.656 --> 00:10:05.561
Finished, it was like huge, because i thought how many years
00:10:05.561 --> 00:10:13.369
Do i have to spend trying to pay and trying to make it ok and
00:10:13.369 --> 00:10:17.373
Suddenly understanding now it's bill paid in full.
00:10:17.373 --> 00:10:21.744
- yeah.
00:10:21.744 --> 00:10:23.012
- and that's why i think family conflict is multi layered.
00:10:23.012 --> 00:10:26.348
- it is.
00:10:26.348 --> 00:10:28.350
- because we all experience something differently.
00:10:28.350 --> 00:10:31.353
We all have different comfort levels and what we say about it
00:10:31.353 --> 00:10:34.790
And the conclusions that we come to-- and i think as children,
00:10:34.790 --> 00:10:38.094
We're the best recorders of information,
00:10:38.094 --> 00:10:39.895
But the poorest interpreters of that information.
00:10:39.895 --> 00:10:44.500
Children always think it's something they did or something
00:10:44.600 --> 00:10:47.570
They could have done differently.
00:10:47.570 --> 00:10:49.038
And so in terms of conflict, that's one of the things i'm in
00:10:49.038 --> 00:10:53.042
This whole learning phase that i actually get to quite like being
00:10:53.042 --> 00:10:57.079
Me.
00:10:57.079 --> 00:10:59.148
I don't feel i have to keep pain for being me.
00:10:59.148 --> 00:11:01.484
And that sounds ridiculous at my age,
00:11:01.484 --> 00:11:04.220
But that's the goodness of god.
00:11:04.220 --> 00:11:08.791
That is the goodness of god.
00:11:08.791 --> 00:11:11.293
Then no matter how long we've carried this burden or carried
00:11:11.293 --> 00:11:15.131
This baggage that jesus says, come on,
00:11:15.131 --> 00:11:18.934
Come to me when you're weary and you're heavy laden and i will
00:11:18.934 --> 00:11:23.205
Give you rest.
00:11:23.205 --> 00:11:24.640
I think that's my prayer for our community this week that we
00:11:24.640 --> 00:11:27.943
Would allow the holy spirit to cut away the baggage.
00:11:27.943 --> 00:11:31.113
Let it roll down the hill and see that stamped on it says bill
00:11:31.113 --> 00:11:34.250
Paid in full.
00:11:34.250 --> 00:11:36.552
- on the other side of going to god and honest and true in your
00:11:37.887 --> 00:11:40.856
Honest and true self of how you're feeling i believe there's
00:11:40.856 --> 00:11:43.559
Freedom on the other side and freedom comes with joy.
00:11:43.559 --> 00:11:46.028
Freedom comes with living a life that says god i believe and
00:11:46.028 --> 00:11:50.566
Trust that you don't waste anything.
00:11:50.566 --> 00:11:52.067
And i believe that he will use those things that have happened
00:11:52.067 --> 00:11:55.037
To you for his glory.
00:11:55.037 --> 00:11:56.839
- the places we haven't healed from or the places where that
00:11:58.107 --> 00:12:00.910
Our trauma comes in as a child, where conflict that you observe
00:12:00.910 --> 00:12:04.280
But don't know how to interpret, it's so crazy
00:12:04.280 --> 00:12:07.016
I have moments where i go back to being a seven year -old and
00:12:07.016 --> 00:12:11.687
I know i'm 35.
00:12:11.687 --> 00:12:12.388
I know i'm a grown up.
00:12:12.388 --> 00:12:14.757
I know i of kids of my own now, but there are these moments that
00:12:14.757 --> 00:12:16.559
Happen when you're a little girl.
00:12:16.559 --> 00:12:18.794
I remember being in youth ministry and the youth pastor at
00:12:18.794 --> 00:12:22.598
The time, like pointing me and my brother and sister out and
00:12:22.598 --> 00:12:24.633
Being like, don't tell them anything, they're spies,
00:12:24.633 --> 00:12:27.203
Like they'll tell their parents.
00:12:27.203 --> 00:12:28.671
And at the time, everyone, like in it being, i guess,
00:12:28.671 --> 00:12:32.074
Light heart and a joke, but me internalizing that as a child,
00:12:32.074 --> 00:12:35.511
Thinking i now have to play a part so that people will trust
00:12:35.511 --> 00:12:39.014
Me extra and i think that's what some of my conflict style came
00:12:39.014 --> 00:12:43.552
From of like i have to keep everyone's secrets so they know
00:12:43.552 --> 00:12:45.187
I'm safe.
00:12:45.187 --> 00:12:47.523
And that just is too heavy for a baby and i look at my
00:12:47.523 --> 00:12:50.726
Girls and some of the things that they've already been
00:12:50.726 --> 00:12:52.895
Through in their very young life.
00:12:52.895 --> 00:12:55.731
My husband was a single dad for a few years when i had met him
00:12:55.731 --> 00:12:58.767
And you see some of their attachments even with their
00:12:58.767 --> 00:13:02.304
Stuff toys and the way they it's so emotional when someone leaves
00:13:02.304 --> 00:13:07.076
And it's just heartbreaking to go,
00:13:07.076 --> 00:13:09.311
You don't even understand the conflict yet,
00:13:09.311 --> 00:13:12.047
But my goal is that we will be able to walk through it with you
00:13:12.047 --> 00:13:16.118
So that you don't have to walk through that alone.
00:13:16.118 --> 00:13:20.055
'cause we can't avoid the conflict,
00:13:20.055 --> 00:13:21.490
Especially when you're young, right?
00:13:21.490 --> 00:13:22.791
You're not responsible, but you feel responsible.
00:13:22.791 --> 00:13:26.729
But then later in life, though you didn't cause it,
00:13:26.729 --> 00:13:29.765
There is a responsibility to walk through it and heal it.
00:13:29.765 --> 00:13:33.535
After my divorce, and in just different seasons of my life,
00:13:34.803 --> 00:13:38.040
I've definitely been a peacekeeper.
00:13:38.040 --> 00:13:40.809
Somebody that was a people pleaser that just didn't want to
00:13:40.809 --> 00:13:43.345
Rock the boat, didn't want to create any waves.
00:13:43.345 --> 00:13:46.315
But for me specifically, i remember the day i had the
00:13:46.315 --> 00:13:48.617
Revelation that jesus didn't die to keep peace.
00:13:48.617 --> 00:13:52.021
He died to make peace.
00:13:52.021 --> 00:13:53.656
So why was i so scared to have a voice when maybe i was the one
00:13:53.656 --> 00:13:59.762
That could bring peace in this situation?
00:13:59.762 --> 00:14:03.399
The difference is that i can trust that the prince of peace
00:14:03.499 --> 00:14:05.935
Doesn't just need me to stay quiet when maybe he's given me
00:14:05.935 --> 00:14:10.306
The thing that needs to be said that no one else will say in
00:14:10.306 --> 00:14:12.608
Order to create the peace that's needed.
00:14:12.608 --> 00:14:16.645
[music]
00:14:16.979 --> 00:14:18.314
- god created us to be in community and we want you to
00:14:18.314 --> 00:14:20.082
Join ours.
00:14:20.082 --> 00:14:22.318
- follow us on social media and join our conversation.
00:14:22.318 --> 00:14:26.055
- let's keep the conversation going.
00:14:26.922 --> 00:14:28.557
You can find the better together podcast on your favorite
00:14:28.557 --> 00:14:31.627
Listening platform.
00:14:31.627 --> 00:14:32.161
Subscribe today.
00:14:32.161 --> 00:14:34.463
[music]
00:14:34.463 --> 00:14:37.009
[music]
00:14:37.099 --> 00:14:41.003
- i love health, i love the body.
00:14:41.003 --> 00:14:43.205
It's a tool for me to learn about god,
00:14:43.205 --> 00:14:44.506
Because i think the way he designed our bodies is an
00:14:44.506 --> 00:14:48.077
Indication of how he deals with us in general.
00:14:48.077 --> 00:14:51.480
I've been thinking about inflammation,
00:14:51.580 --> 00:14:52.881
And i saw this article-- well, let me be honest.
00:14:52.881 --> 00:14:56.385
I saw something on instagram, and then i went to look up the
00:14:56.385 --> 00:14:58.487
Article.
00:14:58.487 --> 00:14:59.121
- yes, yes.
00:14:59.121 --> 00:15:00.522
-i went to look it up, and there was a study that was basically
00:15:00.522 --> 00:15:02.124
Saying that when somebody injures themselves,
00:15:02.124 --> 00:15:04.426
They really-- like, anti inflammatory medications are
00:15:04.426 --> 00:15:07.763
Not good for the situation because it prolongs healing and
00:15:07.763 --> 00:15:13.369
You don't actually heal from the pain so you can
00:15:13.369 --> 00:15:15.871
Still experience like phantom pain would not fans
00:15:15.871 --> 00:15:18.507
Of him, but like pain longer,
00:15:18.507 --> 00:15:20.009
Even if the thing is healed and so it was saying because i
00:15:20.009 --> 00:15:24.680
Think we do know this right the inflammation is actually your
00:15:24.680 --> 00:15:27.016
Body's response to something that's wrong to fix it and heal
00:15:27.016 --> 00:15:32.221
It yet, but it's uncomfortable.
00:15:32.221 --> 00:15:34.690
It's discomfort and it's swollen and it's-- you know you
00:15:34.690 --> 00:15:38.394
Can't fit in the shoe the same way.
00:15:38.394 --> 00:15:39.895
[indiscernible]
00:15:39.895 --> 00:15:41.330
- it's visible all of those things and i'm like, oh god do
00:15:41.330 --> 00:15:45.167
You use the inflammation the things in our lives the
00:15:45.167 --> 00:15:50.172
Tough stuff as an opportunity to actually
00:15:50.172 --> 00:15:53.275
Heal us to help us see and come
00:15:53.275 --> 00:15:55.844
Back to the point of oh man jesus paid this bill.
00:15:55.844 --> 00:15:57.646
So whether it's your fault or it's not,
00:15:57.646 --> 00:16:00.382
'cause we can argue that all day and night.
00:16:00.382 --> 00:16:02.017
If it's your fault, jesus paid the bill.
00:16:02.017 --> 00:16:04.053
If it's not your fault, jesus paid the bill.
00:16:04.053 --> 00:16:06.555
It's done.
00:16:06.555 --> 00:16:07.756
And this inflammatory situation, this thing that was so
00:16:07.756 --> 00:16:10.092
Uncomfortable to me is actually an indication of what the lord
00:16:10.092 --> 00:16:15.130
Wants to heal in my life.
00:16:15.130 --> 00:16:16.698
I know, right, what my body is working on when it gets
00:16:16.698 --> 00:16:19.802
Inflamed.
00:16:19.802 --> 00:16:21.303
I know, okay, my ankle-- i trip a little bit, my get swollen.
00:16:21.303 --> 00:16:24.473
There's inflammation that i know i need to maybe i
00:16:24.473 --> 00:16:26.008
Don't walk on it the same exact way but i know what my body is
00:16:26.008 --> 00:16:30.045
Working on i think sometimes the pain is an indication of what
00:16:30.045 --> 00:16:34.550
The lord is actually dealing with what he's working on us in
00:16:34.550 --> 00:16:38.153
And sometimes it's not i think sometimes we think well
00:16:38.153 --> 00:16:40.022
I didn't do the wrong thing and so i'm not the one that was
00:16:40.022 --> 00:16:43.659
Wrong but maybe the lord is working on forgiveness.
00:16:43.659 --> 00:16:46.128
Maybe the lord is working on patience.
00:16:46.128 --> 00:16:47.796
Maybe the lord is is working on long suffering.
00:16:47.796 --> 00:16:50.732
We love that one, don't we?
00:16:50.732 --> 00:16:52.101
- right.
00:16:52.101 --> 00:16:53.535
-but i'm starting to look at it differently all from an
00:16:53.535 --> 00:16:55.504
Instagram post of like, oh man, this is how our bodies were
00:16:55.504 --> 00:16:57.773
Actually meant to function.
00:16:57.773 --> 00:16:59.475
And god had this in mind, that there would be a temporary
00:16:59.475 --> 00:17:02.611
Moment of discomfort in order for me to heal.
00:17:02.611 --> 00:17:05.547
- yes.
00:17:05.547 --> 00:17:06.148
- this is the healing.
00:17:06.148 --> 00:17:07.216
It is uncomfortable.
00:17:07.216 --> 00:17:08.650
And i'm like, oh, i need to lean into that.
00:17:08.650 --> 00:17:11.220
So the moments i feel uncomfortable and i want to run
00:17:11.220 --> 00:17:12.554
Away and avoid and like, get me out of here.
00:17:12.554 --> 00:17:13.755
No, i actually need to lean in, stay here,
00:17:13.755 --> 00:17:16.725
So that we could heal and be made whole.
00:17:16.725 --> 00:17:18.861
And we do know that when we're in conflict with people,
00:17:18.861 --> 00:17:21.363
That actually, when you make it through,
00:17:21.363 --> 00:17:22.965
You're actually closer many times than you were before.
00:17:22.965 --> 00:17:26.068
- yes.
00:17:26.068 --> 00:17:27.603
- conflict is actually a gift.
00:17:28.303 --> 00:17:30.839
And i know that many of us want to back away and avoid it at all
00:17:30.839 --> 00:17:34.343
Costs.
00:17:34.343 --> 00:17:35.711
But it's actually something that if we lean into it and allow it
00:17:35.711 --> 00:17:40.282
To do its work, it actually brings us closer.
00:17:40.282 --> 00:17:43.552
It actually, if we do it right, it teaches us a lot,
00:17:43.552 --> 00:17:47.823
Not just about the other person, but about ourselves and about
00:17:47.823 --> 00:17:51.226
The lord and what he's called us to be here.
00:17:51.226 --> 00:17:53.562
I think when we get into a conflict,
00:17:53.562 --> 00:17:56.064
We realize what we want, what the other person wants and how,
00:17:56.064 --> 00:18:01.003
If we're doing it the right way, right?
00:18:01.003 --> 00:18:03.238
How to make that stuff work, make how to make life work
00:18:03.238 --> 00:18:07.075
Together.
00:18:07.075 --> 00:18:08.877
I used to be a big like, a big proponent of like just saying
00:18:08.877 --> 00:18:14.616
Compromise, compromise, compromise,
00:18:14.616 --> 00:18:16.251
But i think it's before i understood the fullness of the
00:18:16.251 --> 00:18:18.654
Word and so while i still support it,
00:18:18.654 --> 00:18:20.656
I think i support it with a little tweak.
00:18:20.656 --> 00:18:24.326
I go, hey, the conflict should always lead to compromise.
00:18:24.326 --> 00:18:27.529
We don't compromise before conflict or to avoid conflict.
00:18:27.529 --> 00:18:30.399
We compromise after conflict once we know what the desire is
00:18:30.399 --> 00:18:35.437
On both sides.
00:18:35.437 --> 00:18:37.339
And the conflict really helps me to understand.
00:18:37.339 --> 00:18:39.408
And so to me, i'm like, no, i have to lean in.
00:18:39.408 --> 00:18:42.377
I have to press into this.
00:18:42.377 --> 00:18:43.879
I have to go after it because it's actually going to help me
00:18:43.879 --> 00:18:45.514
Understand what we both want and help us to get to the place of
00:18:45.514 --> 00:18:49.318
Peace.
00:18:49.318 --> 00:18:50.619
- i have a friend who's a doctor.
00:18:51.420 --> 00:18:52.654
Her basic work is working in leper colonies.
00:18:52.654 --> 00:18:54.289
And i remember having dinner one night and it's kind of leprosy
00:18:54.289 --> 00:18:58.760
Where they'll lose limbs.
00:18:58.760 --> 00:19:00.062
And i said, what's the greatest challenge for this community
00:19:00.062 --> 00:19:04.032
That you work with?
00:19:04.032 --> 00:19:05.434
And she said, the greatest hardship in their life is that
00:19:05.434 --> 00:19:07.336
They can't feel pain.
00:19:07.336 --> 00:19:10.005
And i said, what do you mean by that?
00:19:10.005 --> 00:19:11.139
And she said, it's a very poor community.
00:19:11.139 --> 00:19:14.243
And sometimes like if they're in a little shack and a rat or
00:19:14.243 --> 00:19:17.913
Something comes in, if we saw that, if we felt that first nip,
00:19:17.913 --> 00:19:21.383
We would immediately know and we would run.
00:19:21.383 --> 00:19:22.651
She said they can't feel it.
00:19:22.651 --> 00:19:24.853
And so great damage is done.
00:19:24.853 --> 00:19:26.321
And she said, don't ever wish away the gift of pain because
00:19:26.321 --> 00:19:32.327
It's trying to get our attention.
00:19:32.327 --> 00:19:33.662
And i think that's what's so huge, i think,
00:19:33.662 --> 00:19:37.132
That it's all part of god's goodness and his mercy.
00:19:37.132 --> 00:19:40.135
It doesn't feel good at the time,
00:19:40.135 --> 00:19:42.237
But it is part of that god working everything together for
00:19:42.237 --> 00:19:45.741
Good.
00:19:45.741 --> 00:19:46.341
Because here's my issue.
00:19:46.341 --> 00:19:48.110
My thing was wanting to numb things.
00:19:48.110 --> 00:19:50.812
It's like just to kind of keep things noisy and busy and numb
00:19:50.812 --> 00:19:54.883
It and not have to think about it.
00:19:54.883 --> 00:19:56.318
But when you anesthetize pain, you anesthetize joy as well.
00:19:56.318 --> 00:20:00.856
- yes.
00:20:00.856 --> 00:20:01.957
- you can't just knock one of them out.
00:20:01.957 --> 00:20:04.259
So i think part of god's invitation to life is to be
00:20:04.259 --> 00:20:07.763
Willing to feel the pain to sit in the conflict,
00:20:07.763 --> 00:20:10.899
To wait for healing, as opposed to just let's put a band aid
00:20:10.899 --> 00:20:14.970
Over that and walk on.
00:20:14.970 --> 00:20:15.504
- yeah.
00:20:15.504 --> 00:20:16.938
- so for the person who is trying to numb, numb their pain,
00:20:17.039 --> 00:20:21.610
I'm gonna ask you something really hard.
00:20:21.610 --> 00:20:24.313
The encouragement is, instead of numbing,
00:20:25.180 --> 00:20:26.982
Is to actually go to the place where you're hurt and invite god
00:20:27.082 --> 00:20:31.219
Into that place.
00:20:31.219 --> 00:20:32.621
Because i believe that god will meet you where you are,
00:20:32.621 --> 00:20:38.026
Maybe not in the way that you expect.
00:20:38.026 --> 00:20:39.594
But i would guarantee that he already knows.
00:20:39.594 --> 00:20:43.265
But he's going to ask you, like, why are you hiding?
00:20:43.265 --> 00:20:46.134
Numbing?
00:20:46.435 --> 00:20:47.002
Why are you hiding?
00:20:47.002 --> 00:20:47.836
Just like you did, adam.
00:20:47.836 --> 00:20:49.037
And he's going to say, who told you that?
00:20:49.037 --> 00:20:50.839
He already knows the pain that you're experiencing.
00:20:50.839 --> 00:20:53.375
He knows the people that are involved.
00:20:53.375 --> 00:20:55.377
But he's asking you to tell it because once you say it to him,
00:20:55.377 --> 00:20:58.046
It loses power, and it gives him an opportunity to speak the
00:20:58.046 --> 00:21:00.816
Actual truth to the pain that you experienced.
00:21:00.816 --> 00:21:05.754
- you know, it's so interesting, just family conflict,
00:21:05.854 --> 00:21:09.391
How we were raised, our birth order.
00:21:09.391 --> 00:21:11.693
You talked about being the youngest and being the fun one.
00:21:11.693 --> 00:21:14.296
I shared yesterday i have one sibling,
00:21:14.296 --> 00:21:16.198
I have one brother who's five years older than me.
00:21:16.198 --> 00:21:18.400
So i was kind of-- i spent a lot of time alone.
00:21:18.400 --> 00:21:21.002
I had friends.
00:21:21.002 --> 00:21:22.471
We were close, but we never were in the same school together we
00:21:22.471 --> 00:21:24.539
Never had the same group of friends.
00:21:24.539 --> 00:21:26.007
All of that so i didn't have a lot of like i didn't hear my mom
00:21:26.007 --> 00:21:30.979
And dad really deal with conflict a lot you know in front
00:21:30.979 --> 00:21:36.551
Of us, but probably like a lot of people can connect with
00:21:36.551 --> 00:21:39.654
That, maybe had the same experience.
00:21:39.654 --> 00:21:41.523
I was you know kind of a shy child,
00:21:41.523 --> 00:21:44.760
I mean i love the music did the things i was
00:21:44.760 --> 00:21:46.795
Kind of like my mom would describe me like nicole,
00:21:46.795 --> 00:21:50.098
You were just you were the perfect child.
00:21:50.098 --> 00:21:53.301
You know you're-- she's got my 50th birthday and
00:21:53.301 --> 00:21:56.671
Still even at 50 when you hear your mom kind of like a parent
00:21:56.671 --> 00:22:00.108
Go on about you it's like it's precious,
00:22:00.108 --> 00:22:01.410
It's also embarrassing, but that's my mom, you know.
00:22:01.410 --> 00:22:04.179
But she's like you're just the perfect you know and my
00:22:04.179 --> 00:22:06.782
Brother who is 5 years older, he was the one pushing all the
00:22:06.782 --> 00:22:09.651
Limits doing all the things you know so you find yourself like
00:22:09.651 --> 00:22:13.321
In the position in the family then i married my husband who
00:22:13.321 --> 00:22:17.826
We've been married for over 30 years now he had 5 siblings so
00:22:17.826 --> 00:22:22.330
There were 6 of them and they were stair steps i
00:22:22.330 --> 00:22:26.034
Mean like a year and a half part.
00:22:26.034 --> 00:22:27.803
And he was the baby boy so there are 5 boys and then he has a
00:22:27.803 --> 00:22:31.907
Sister.
00:22:31.907 --> 00:22:33.375
But he's the baby boy he's the prodigy you know musician kid
00:22:33.375 --> 00:22:37.913
You know he's the peacemaker, but he's also brings the fun.
00:22:37.913 --> 00:22:41.883
If there's stress in the room, if there's conflict in the room,
00:22:41.883 --> 00:22:44.519
He's gonna bring the joke, he's gonna bring the fun.
00:22:44.519 --> 00:22:46.321
And so it's interesting just in life and marriage and then
00:22:46.321 --> 00:22:49.391
Raising children of your own, just the personalities,
00:22:49.391 --> 00:22:51.660
The differences, how we handle things,
00:22:51.660 --> 00:22:55.197
How we all have to come to terms with like, who are we,
00:22:55.197 --> 00:22:58.967
Why are we this way and how are we going to respond,
00:22:58.967 --> 00:23:02.737
Move past it, heal and start, you know, facing the conflict,
00:23:02.737 --> 00:23:07.742
Facing the things, having the hard conversations.
00:23:07.742 --> 00:23:10.512
Yeah, so my husband is just, he's been,
00:23:10.512 --> 00:23:11.580
He doesn't like the hard conversations.
00:23:11.580 --> 00:23:14.216
So it's not natural for him to like,
00:23:14.216 --> 00:23:16.852
Let's deal with this conflict.
00:23:16.852 --> 00:23:18.086
I mean, eventually he's gonna deal with it,
00:23:18.086 --> 00:23:19.888
But he's gonna wait until the very last moment, you know?
00:23:19.888 --> 00:23:21.857
And i'm like, let's have the hard conversation.
00:23:21.857 --> 00:23:26.127
- when we talk about family conflict,
00:23:26.995 --> 00:23:28.897
Sometimes it can feel like, "okay,
00:23:28.897 --> 00:23:30.966
So the first step is this.
00:23:30.966 --> 00:23:32.434
Second step is we'll set a conversation.
00:23:32.434 --> 00:23:34.236
Third step is we figure it all out.
00:23:34.236 --> 00:23:36.371
And i wish that it was as simple as that, but you know it's not.
00:23:36.371 --> 00:23:42.477
You and i both know that you can pray all the prayers.
00:23:42.477 --> 00:23:46.781
You can have all the conversations.
00:23:47.616 --> 00:23:49.184
You can send all the text messages.
00:23:49.184 --> 00:23:51.386
You can try to get every are possible and there's still be
00:23:51.386 --> 00:23:56.057
Conflict and there's still be the same conflict that just
00:23:56.057 --> 00:24:00.262
Hasn't been resolved.
00:24:00.262 --> 00:24:02.797
My heart especially breaks for parents that maybe you're
00:24:02.797 --> 00:24:06.301
Watching this and you've tried everything and i would just
00:24:06.301 --> 00:24:10.805
Remind you and reminding myself at the same time that though we
00:24:10.805 --> 00:24:16.578
Are a partner with god in reconciliation,
00:24:16.578 --> 00:24:19.447
In healthy conflict we are not the savior and we are not always
00:24:19.447 --> 00:24:23.985
In control there are some moments especially when it comes
00:24:23.985 --> 00:24:29.457
To heartbreaking conflict where we just have to remind our soul
00:24:29.457 --> 00:24:34.529
That god is sovereign and that when i can release control to
00:24:34.529 --> 00:24:40.402
Him though it doesn't feel like it in the moment i'm actually
00:24:40.402 --> 00:24:46.441
Releasing him to do what he does best,
00:24:46.441 --> 00:24:49.611
Which is to move the pieces around in his timing without my
00:24:49.711 --> 00:24:52.914
Hands manipulating what is meant to be a holy and divine
00:24:52.914 --> 00:24:57.419
Orchestrating, so i can step back and trust that he is in
00:24:57.419 --> 00:25:03.525
Control, and his will is the best,
00:25:03.525 --> 00:25:10.532
Even if it looks different to mine.
00:25:10.632 --> 00:25:13.768
- i heard this psychologist say recently on instagram.
00:25:14.936 --> 00:25:17.105
- okay.
00:25:17.105 --> 00:25:19.040
- that no siblings have the same parents.
00:25:19.040 --> 00:25:22.444
And here, yeah, did you see that?
00:25:22.444 --> 00:25:23.979
- yes, i saw it.
00:25:23.979 --> 00:25:25.447
- because, i mean, you may have the same mother and father,
00:25:25.447 --> 00:25:27.482
But you experience, so you're a different birth order.
00:25:27.482 --> 00:25:30.852
Your parents are in a different stage of life,
00:25:30.852 --> 00:25:32.921
Maybe if you were much younger or older.
00:25:32.921 --> 00:25:36.458
And your own makeup, how you're designed.
00:25:36.458 --> 00:25:39.961
I was such a sensitive child.
00:25:39.961 --> 00:25:42.430
So all my dad had to do was give me that stern look and i'm just
00:25:42.430 --> 00:25:46.868
Like, okay.
00:25:46.868 --> 00:25:48.103
So we all experience our parents differently.
00:25:48.103 --> 00:25:50.639
So therefore, his point was we all have different parents.
00:25:50.639 --> 00:25:54.376
The growth that it takes in the lord, yes, growing in the lord,
00:25:54.376 --> 00:25:58.380
But growing practically and just dealing with stuff and
00:25:58.380 --> 00:26:03.418
Facing the hard conversations and in love,
00:26:03.418 --> 00:26:07.589
But i feel like it's always for the good.
00:26:07.589 --> 00:26:10.692
It's always for the good, anyway marrying into a family,
00:26:10.692 --> 00:26:13.828
You know, suddenly i had all these in laws and there was
00:26:13.828 --> 00:26:17.399
Family drama that i never had growing up, you know,
00:26:17.399 --> 00:26:21.736
And you're like ok, this is fun.
00:26:21.736 --> 00:26:24.773
And we came through some stuff.
00:26:25.507 --> 00:26:27.242
I mean, my sister -in -law, she's an incredible testimony.
00:26:27.242 --> 00:26:30.412
But she sang-- she and my husband sang together for years
00:26:30.412 --> 00:26:33.114
Before he and i got married.
00:26:33.114 --> 00:26:34.683
She had been experienced sexual abuse as a child,
00:26:34.683 --> 00:26:39.020
Ends up turning to drugs as a young adult.
00:26:39.020 --> 00:26:41.656
Anyway, all this kind of coming out after dave and i got married
00:26:41.656 --> 00:26:43.925
And dealing with stuff and having to do the tough love
00:26:43.925 --> 00:26:47.295
Thing where you're like, you're financially supporting this
00:26:47.295 --> 00:26:50.231
Person 'cause she was a part of our ministry at the time.
00:26:50.231 --> 00:26:52.701
And then all this comes out and we're like, okay.
00:26:52.701 --> 00:26:54.035
Anyway, conflict, drama, stuff.
00:26:54.769 --> 00:26:58.373
And, but i feel like, yeah, we're always,
00:26:58.373 --> 00:27:01.843
Just to encourage those who are watching to go like,
00:27:01.843 --> 00:27:05.080
Have the challenging conversation.
00:27:05.080 --> 00:27:07.015
Like, it comes to a point where you're like,
00:27:07.015 --> 00:27:10.552
If i don't have this difficult conversation and face this
00:27:10.552 --> 00:27:14.589
Conflict like, i'm gonna have a heart attack if i don't--
00:27:14.589 --> 00:27:18.426
You know?
00:27:18.426 --> 00:27:19.694
But it's a beautiful thing to work through conflict,
00:27:19.694 --> 00:27:22.964
To have the challenging conversations.
00:27:22.964 --> 00:27:25.133
- so years ago, my sister in law,
00:27:25.934 --> 00:27:28.770
Whom i love dearly and we have great relationship,
00:27:28.770 --> 00:27:31.473
She was on a very dark path.
00:27:31.473 --> 00:27:36.111
She found herself in a situation as an addict and my husband and
00:27:36.111 --> 00:27:45.320
I had been very involved in her life.
00:27:45.320 --> 00:27:48.490
She's an incredible songwriter and singer and so even just she
00:27:49.791 --> 00:27:52.961
Was involved with us musically in what we would do with
00:27:52.961 --> 00:27:57.031
Songwriting and singing together and when this situation and this
00:27:57.031 --> 00:28:02.804
Addiction became so big that she could no longer hide it.
00:28:02.804 --> 00:28:07.308
You know, it really impacted our lives.
00:28:08.176 --> 00:28:11.479
We, you know, we had some things stolen even in our own house.
00:28:11.479 --> 00:28:16.985
I remember feeling violated at times, right?
00:28:16.985 --> 00:28:22.824
And we had to come to the decision that we had to draw
00:28:22.824 --> 00:28:26.661
Some tough love boundaries and have the conversation of
00:28:26.661 --> 00:28:34.302
Like we love you but we cannot be a part of your life
00:28:34.302 --> 00:28:40.508
Right now i mean in an active involved way we you know
00:28:40.508 --> 00:28:44.846
We had a toddler at the time and so we just we had to have that
00:28:44.846 --> 00:28:49.450
Tough love conversation and you know what it was a period of
00:28:49.450 --> 00:28:53.321
Probably about a year or so that we were really disconnected from
00:28:53.321 --> 00:28:56.825
Her.
00:28:56.825 --> 00:28:57.959
But i'm telling you, the lord found her.
00:28:57.959 --> 00:28:59.961
She was, you know, she was delivered.
00:28:59.961 --> 00:29:05.533
Honestly, she had a real deliverance situation where god
00:29:05.533 --> 00:29:10.538
Just rescued her.
00:29:10.538 --> 00:29:12.340
And then she walked that out.
00:29:13.041 --> 00:29:14.843
I mean, she went to a christian rehabilitation place and has
00:29:14.843 --> 00:29:20.648
Been walking with the lord.
00:29:20.648 --> 00:29:21.616
I mean, this is, you know, 25 years ago.
00:29:21.616 --> 00:29:25.553
So praise god, she has an incredible story,
00:29:25.553 --> 00:29:28.556
But of redemption.
00:29:28.556 --> 00:29:30.992
But it was really difficult in those times,
00:29:30.992 --> 00:29:33.661
But when you are in a situation where you're like,
00:29:33.661 --> 00:29:35.964
I think i'm actually enabling this addiction in my family
00:29:35.964 --> 00:29:40.835
Member's life, i think i need to,
00:29:40.835 --> 00:29:44.505
You know cut these ties and i think you know there's a
00:29:44.606 --> 00:29:48.243
Time in season like there's a time when you continue to
00:29:48.243 --> 00:29:51.813
You know you might feel like i need to stay connected right
00:29:51.813 --> 00:29:55.083
Now, but then there's a time when you know,
00:29:55.083 --> 00:29:57.652
We've got to draw the boundary line,
00:29:57.652 --> 00:30:00.588
You know depending on how difficult the situation gets.
00:30:00.588 --> 00:30:06.661
Anyway, we found ourselves in that situation and god was
00:30:06.661 --> 00:30:09.898
Faithful and but you know praying for our loved ones who
00:30:09.898 --> 00:30:17.005
Find themselves in destructive addictions that's really the
00:30:17.005 --> 00:30:23.244
Greatest thing that we can do continue to love them.
00:30:23.244 --> 00:30:26.180
But sometimes it has to be from a distance.
00:30:26.180 --> 00:30:29.417
- it's so funny you said that because we have 7 kids.
00:30:30.585 --> 00:30:33.688
So they have-- - we are no worse to be in your presence
00:30:33.688 --> 00:30:36.991
Right now.
00:30:36.991 --> 00:30:38.059
- i mean, this was very real to me,
00:30:38.059 --> 00:30:39.694
Because i'm the oldest of two siblings.
00:30:39.694 --> 00:30:43.631
My husband's the oldest of six siblings.
00:30:43.631 --> 00:30:45.433
So when we got together, we had a lot.
00:30:45.433 --> 00:30:46.901
We had conflict in college when we were dating.
00:30:46.901 --> 00:30:48.937
People were like, "y 'all are gonna get married?"
00:30:48.937 --> 00:30:51.673
Because it was like, we were always-- - that's great.
00:30:51.673 --> 00:30:54.142
- this is purple, this is blue.
00:30:54.142 --> 00:30:55.143
This is, you know, whatever.
00:30:55.143 --> 00:30:56.110
But we were on the same team.
00:30:56.110 --> 00:30:58.379
It was like, "y 'all better watch out, 'cause together,
00:30:58.379 --> 00:31:01.015
" you know?-- - yeah.
00:31:01.015 --> 00:31:02.183
- so when we get married, our first three
00:31:02.183 --> 00:31:03.785
Years of marriage we were like, what have we done?
00:31:03.785 --> 00:31:06.421
Like i know this was before the lord and-- but it was
00:31:06.421 --> 00:31:07.956
Kind of like, this is hard, how do i deal with conflic?
00:31:07.956 --> 00:31:13.695
And how do you deal with conflict because it
00:31:13.695 --> 00:31:14.562
Is very different.
00:31:14.562 --> 00:31:16.531
So we were working through that, we had kids, and i remember
00:31:16.531 --> 00:31:18.866
Just recently, last 2 years, we were having a conversation
00:31:18.866 --> 00:31:23.071
And we don't hide conflict from our kids.
00:31:23.071 --> 00:31:25.940
Like, if i'm passionate about something and i feel like it's
00:31:25.940 --> 00:31:28.776
Happening and everyone's watching, we will have it.
00:31:28.776 --> 00:31:30.278
Now, there are definitely guardrails and rules around
00:31:30.278 --> 00:31:32.914
That, but it's like, this is how i feel about here.
00:31:32.914 --> 00:31:34.916
This is, you were wrong, whatever,
00:31:34.916 --> 00:31:35.817
We're having the conversation.
00:31:35.817 --> 00:31:37.618
And all of our kids were in the kitchen.
00:31:37.618 --> 00:31:39.988
And there was a moment that we're having this interaction.
00:31:40.088 --> 00:31:43.391
I'm standing and he's sitting, maybe we're just having,
00:31:43.391 --> 00:31:45.760
Going back and forth, but i kind of zoom out of my life and i
00:31:45.760 --> 00:31:50.331
Look around the kitchen.
00:31:50.331 --> 00:31:52.133
- yeah.
00:31:52.133 --> 00:31:53.568
- and i'm looking at each person watching this interaction.
00:31:53.568 --> 00:31:58.473
- yeah.
00:31:58.473 --> 00:31:59.240
- and i was like, hold on.
00:31:59.240 --> 00:32:02.477
And we literally in that moment, got our kids together and we
00:32:02.577 --> 00:32:05.380
Said, what does it feel like when you hear mommy and daddy
00:32:05.380 --> 00:32:07.682
Fussing?
00:32:07.682 --> 00:32:08.383
- oh, good, good, well done.
00:32:08.383 --> 00:32:09.851
- so to your point of how to have the tough conversation,
00:32:09.851 --> 00:32:11.652
It was just in that moment, like we know we're good.
00:32:11.652 --> 00:32:13.354
We know we'll be fine.
00:32:13.354 --> 00:32:15.023
- right.
00:32:15.023 --> 00:32:17.358
We know, well, we have one-- - but what are they perceiving?
00:32:17.358 --> 00:32:18.760
What are they perceiving?
00:32:18.760 --> 00:32:19.660
- yeah.
00:32:19.660 --> 00:32:20.395
- yeah, we sit around the table.
00:32:20.395 --> 00:32:21.796
One kid is like, well, i'm worried that you're going to get
00:32:21.796 --> 00:32:23.698
A divorce.
00:32:23.698 --> 00:32:24.532
- wow.
00:32:24.532 --> 00:32:25.466
- because she has a person at school.
00:32:25.466 --> 00:32:27.135
His parents just got divorced.
00:32:27.135 --> 00:32:28.002
So she's thinking one thing.
00:32:28.002 --> 00:32:30.138
Then i have another kid who's like, we don't ever
00:32:30.138 --> 00:32:32.473
See you make up.
00:32:32.473 --> 00:32:33.775
Like, we know you get better.
00:32:33.775 --> 00:32:35.510
We don't ever see like, do you do what you make us do?
00:32:35.510 --> 00:32:37.845
Say, i'm sorry for this, would you forgive me?
00:32:37.845 --> 00:32:40.048
We all do the same thing you know all
00:32:40.048 --> 00:32:41.516
These different perspectives on this one argument and so
00:32:41.516 --> 00:32:45.319
We got an opportunity to set the stage for our kids to say here's
00:32:45.319 --> 00:32:51.459
What we feel-- - that's incredible.
00:32:51.459 --> 00:32:53.394
- when we see this. -- that is so good that you did that.
00:32:53.394 --> 00:32:55.463
- it was just a beautiful-- it was very honest.
00:32:55.463 --> 00:32:58.166
- yeah.
00:32:58.166 --> 00:32:59.567
- and but it was just the reminder to them like here's how
00:32:59.567 --> 00:33:01.402
We have to apologize because this is not going to stop me,
00:33:01.402 --> 00:33:03.137
I mean us arguing over whatever is not gonna completely-- we're
00:33:03.137 --> 00:33:06.808
Not gonna take this away because we want you to know that this is
00:33:06.808 --> 00:33:09.277
A real thing and i have conflict with each other we have to be
00:33:09.277 --> 00:33:12.080
Here for your conflict [indiscernible chat]
00:33:12.080 --> 00:33:15.016
For that conflict, okay?
00:33:15.016 --> 00:33:16.284
But it is how we deal with that
00:33:16.284 --> 00:33:18.519
Is important as a family as human being as believers so we
00:33:18.519 --> 00:33:22.090
Have some kids who are believers so how you interact with that
00:33:22.090 --> 00:33:26.360
And why we forgive and why we forgive immediately it's
00:33:26.360 --> 00:33:29.497
Different because how when you ask for frigate,
00:33:29.497 --> 00:33:30.865
You know so all of these conversations get to be had
00:33:30.865 --> 00:33:33.734
Within a family of nine people but it's not easy but it gets
00:33:33.734 --> 00:33:40.341
Easier the more you have it because like this is what we're
00:33:40.341 --> 00:33:43.010
Gonna do we're gonna have a conversation about it and it
00:33:43.010 --> 00:33:45.713
Became easier for benjamin and i to be honest with is this even
00:33:45.713 --> 00:33:48.950
Something we need to-- like where is this coming from?
00:33:48.950 --> 00:33:51.853
What is this about?
00:33:51.853 --> 00:33:52.753
- yeah.
00:33:52.753 --> 00:33:53.421
- is it really about this?
00:33:53.421 --> 00:33:54.388
No, i'm actually really tired.
00:33:54.388 --> 00:33:55.389
No, i'm actually really stressed,
00:33:55.389 --> 00:33:56.491
And i should not have said it that way.
00:33:56.491 --> 00:33:58.192
And so we create a space where conflict is normal,
00:33:58.192 --> 00:34:01.696
But also resolution and restoration is also normal.
00:34:01.696 --> 00:34:06.400
And i think we have an ability to do that as adults,
00:34:06.400 --> 00:34:08.302
Even though we bring in so much baggage with how we've dealt
00:34:08.302 --> 00:34:12.106
With conflict as a child and what we've seen.
00:34:12.106 --> 00:34:14.742
- join the conversation on our better togetther
00:34:15.743 --> 00:34:17.645
Youtube channel.
00:34:17.645 --> 00:34:19.046
Subscribe today and never miss a new upload.
00:34:19.046 --> 00:34:23.751
[music]
00:34:23.751 --> 00:34:26.673
- we just have one son, and i wonder sometimes if it's more
00:34:26.673 --> 00:34:29.676
Difficult for an only child because the spotlight's just on
00:34:29.676 --> 00:34:32.879
Them.
00:34:32.879 --> 00:34:34.180
And i realized, when barry and i first got married,
00:34:34.180 --> 00:34:36.116
We were great, and then we have christian,
00:34:36.116 --> 00:34:38.218
And i realized i had zero conflict resolution skills.
00:34:38.218 --> 00:34:41.288
- wow, wow.
00:34:41.288 --> 00:34:42.622
- because i felt like if ever barry raised his voice or things
00:34:42.622 --> 00:34:44.658
Got, i became five years old again.
00:34:44.658 --> 00:34:45.892
- wow.
00:34:45.892 --> 00:34:47.761
- you know, something came up in me.
00:34:47.761 --> 00:34:49.162
And so as christian got a little bit older and you know,
00:34:49.162 --> 00:34:52.432
It'd be little things like he forgot to bring his book home
00:34:52.432 --> 00:34:54.935
From school that he needed to do his homework in it.
00:34:54.935 --> 00:34:57.304
And so we had to go back to school and pick up things that
00:34:57.304 --> 00:34:59.272
To me i learned throughout my early life.
00:34:59.272 --> 00:35:01.374
It doesn't matter.
00:35:01.374 --> 00:35:03.243
It's all fine.
00:35:02.509 --> 00:35:03.843
Let's just go on.
00:35:03.843 --> 00:35:04.511
Let's move on.
00:35:04.511 --> 00:35:06.112
- but barry's place that he was coming from was different.
00:35:06.112 --> 00:35:07.814
It was like, you know what dude, we talked about this twice last
00:35:07.814 --> 00:35:11.217
Week and you've done it again.
00:35:11.217 --> 00:35:13.086
And i would get something, i would get scared.
00:35:13.086 --> 00:35:16.656
You know, somebody would rise up in me where i'm like,
00:35:16.656 --> 00:35:18.992
I didn't feel like my normal self.
00:35:18.992 --> 00:35:21.895
I felt like threatened.
00:35:21.895 --> 00:35:23.363
And so i would try, i would get in the middle and i'd try to
00:35:23.363 --> 00:35:26.900
Make it better.
00:35:26.900 --> 00:35:27.968
And christian got to like 15 or 16.
00:35:27.968 --> 00:35:29.803
I remember saying to him, would ever be help for you if you got
00:35:29.803 --> 00:35:34.107
To go to counseling.
00:35:34.107 --> 00:35:35.775
- yeah.
00:35:35.775 --> 00:35:37.010
- and he said, actually, i would really love that.
00:35:37.010 --> 00:35:38.044
I was like, oh, worse than i thought.
00:35:38.044 --> 00:35:40.380
- my bad.
00:35:40.380 --> 00:35:41.047
- worse than i thought.
00:35:41.047 --> 00:35:41.548
[laughs]
00:35:41.548 --> 00:35:42.215
- want to go?
00:35:42.215 --> 00:35:43.683
- the first session, i asked if i could come in for the
00:35:43.783 --> 00:35:46.686
First two minutes.
00:35:46.686 --> 00:35:47.921
And i said to christian in front of his therapist,
00:35:47.921 --> 00:35:51.725
This is your safe space.
00:35:51.725 --> 00:35:53.860
You get to tell the whole truth.
00:35:53.860 --> 00:35:54.728
You don't have to defend me.
00:35:54.728 --> 00:35:56.629
You don't have to defend your dad.
00:35:56.629 --> 00:35:58.098
Whatever's going on, this is where you get to tell the whole
00:35:58.098 --> 00:36:00.700
Truth.
00:36:00.700 --> 00:36:02.168
And he went for maybe four or five times and said it really,
00:36:02.168 --> 00:36:04.070
Really helped, and then the last time he said, "mom and dad,
00:36:04.070 --> 00:36:06.773
Could you come in for the last session?"
00:36:06.773 --> 00:36:08.408
And in my mind, this is just, sometimes i'm so out of touch
00:36:08.408 --> 00:36:13.179
With reality.
00:36:13.179 --> 00:36:14.681
In my mind, i'm thinking, you know, christian's going to say,
00:36:14.781 --> 00:36:16.850
Well, dad, you've really hard on me sometimes and it's really
00:36:16.850 --> 00:36:19.652
Difficult and it makes life much more difficult and i'll just be
00:36:19.652 --> 00:36:22.655
There, you know, quietly praying in the background-- - supporting
00:36:22.655 --> 00:36:23.857
The family-- in a prayerful role.
00:36:23.857 --> 00:36:28.094
But i kick off by saying, christian,
00:36:28.928 --> 00:36:31.664
What do i need to learn out of this thing that you've been
00:36:31.664 --> 00:36:32.866
Through?
00:36:32.866 --> 00:36:35.168
And he kind of was pause, he paused for a minute and looked
00:36:35.168 --> 00:36:37.170
At his therapist and therapist nodding.
00:36:37.170 --> 00:36:37.871
- oh no!
00:36:37.871 --> 00:36:39.906
And he said, mom, i actually don't want to hurt your
00:36:39.906 --> 00:36:44.310
Feelings.
00:36:44.310 --> 00:36:45.145
And i said, you know what, darling,
00:36:45.145 --> 00:36:46.413
You have complete permission to hurt my feelings.
00:36:46.413 --> 00:36:50.016
And he said, "mom, you're the one that makes it more difficult
00:36:50.116 --> 00:36:52.986
Because i know that dad loves me.
00:36:52.986 --> 00:36:55.422
I know that you love me.
00:36:55.422 --> 00:36:56.790
And dad and i can work through things.
00:36:56.790 --> 00:36:58.758
But when you get in the middle, it's like it turns up the
00:36:58.758 --> 00:37:01.795
Temperature."
00:37:01.795 --> 00:37:03.263
And he said, "if you would be able to back out more." and i
00:37:03.263 --> 00:37:05.865
Was like, i totally get that.
00:37:05.865 --> 00:37:08.535
I mean, it was like somebody turned a light on inside.
00:37:08.535 --> 00:37:10.737
And i realized i still felt it was my job to make sure no no we
00:37:10.737 --> 00:37:13.640
Don't talk like that to each other we're all fine and nothing
00:37:13.640 --> 00:37:16.309
Happened right and i learned from-- and i'm continue to learn
00:37:16.309 --> 00:37:20.413
He's a clinical psychologist and he's brilliant from my son what
00:37:20.413 --> 00:37:23.783
It looks like to be able to handle conflict and it doesn't
00:37:23.783 --> 00:37:27.120
Mean the world's falling apart if there's an argument,
00:37:27.120 --> 00:37:30.423
Because i remember the first argument that barry and i had
00:37:30.423 --> 00:37:32.025
When we were married he came and looked for me and i'm in the
00:37:32.025 --> 00:37:35.428
Bathroom and i'm in the corner like i'm
00:37:35.428 --> 00:37:37.897
Bent down in the corner and he was like,
00:37:37.897 --> 00:37:40.667
Do you not feel well?
00:37:40.667 --> 00:37:42.335
And it was like, i went back in this position of i'm not going
00:37:42.335 --> 00:37:45.638
To survive this.
00:37:45.638 --> 00:37:46.773
I'm not going to survive this.
00:37:46.773 --> 00:37:47.540
So i've had to learn.
00:37:47.540 --> 00:37:49.976
And again, that's the graciousness and goodness of
00:37:49.976 --> 00:37:52.779
God.
00:37:52.779 --> 00:37:54.147
That when we're able to tell the truth to one another,
00:37:54.147 --> 00:37:56.116
I'm so grateful that when i grew up where we don't talk about
00:37:56.116 --> 00:38:00.120
Anything that my son is able to say, actually, mom,
00:38:00.120 --> 00:38:01.020
You're the problem.
00:38:01.020 --> 00:38:03.289
But to say in such a loving kind, you're a healing way.
00:38:03.289 --> 00:38:08.027
- so for me, it's super important to make sure that i am
00:38:08.128 --> 00:38:13.266
Honest about negative patterns in my life,
00:38:13.266 --> 00:38:15.768
So that i don't pass them down to my children.
00:38:15.768 --> 00:38:18.238
And i think not just passing down,
00:38:18.238 --> 00:38:19.839
I think we can pass it along, you know,
00:38:19.839 --> 00:38:20.707
From one person to the next.
00:38:20.707 --> 00:38:22.041
I want to be the type of person that is self aware,
00:38:22.041 --> 00:38:27.046
But also very vulnerable and transparent so that my lesson
00:38:27.046 --> 00:38:32.819
Doesn't just have to be my lesson.
00:38:32.819 --> 00:38:34.053
It can be your lesson as well.
00:38:34.053 --> 00:38:35.722
And i'm trying to learn from other people,
00:38:35.722 --> 00:38:38.291
Like the lessons of their lives to help me be a better person.
00:38:38.291 --> 00:38:42.495
I think that really comes with transparency, vulnerability,
00:38:42.495 --> 00:38:45.398
Which we had a lot of today, and honesty.
00:38:45.398 --> 00:38:50.136
And i can only do that when i'm self aware and self
00:38:50.136 --> 00:38:53.540
Reflective, and not in a way that's like nitpicky, right?
00:38:53.540 --> 00:38:56.676
But is able to go, man, this is who i am, and this is...
00:38:56.676 --> 00:38:59.812
And remembering what i'm offering the lord every
00:38:59.812 --> 00:39:03.016
Time that i come to his feet, right?
00:39:03.016 --> 00:39:05.818
This is me, lord.
00:39:05.818 --> 00:39:07.287
This is the mess.
00:39:07.287 --> 00:39:09.222
This is the beautiful mess that you've created that i get to
00:39:09.222 --> 00:39:13.459
Give back to you.
00:39:13.459 --> 00:39:14.627
My father was very angry when we were growing up very and i
00:39:14.727 --> 00:39:19.999
Remember like my memories are i would come home with my mom,
00:39:19.999 --> 00:39:24.470
Mom was like you know fun we're singing in the car all the
00:39:24.470 --> 00:39:28.007
Things, come home okay make sure you get your homework done
00:39:28.007 --> 00:39:32.111
So my brother and i doing our homework but over time because
00:39:32.111 --> 00:39:35.682
My dad will come home and be upset there began this thing of
00:39:35.682 --> 00:39:38.851
Race the clock to make sure you have all the fun before daddy
00:39:38.851 --> 00:39:43.256
Gets home, because when daddy gets home,
00:39:43.256 --> 00:39:45.024
There better not be a feather on the floor,
00:39:45.024 --> 00:39:48.695
Or you're going to get it.
00:39:48.695 --> 00:39:50.129
And so i remember hearing the car pull into the driveway,
00:39:50.129 --> 00:39:53.633
And it's like, you know, like, you got everything.
00:39:53.633 --> 00:39:57.136
You pick up your book bag, you know, it was wild.
00:39:57.136 --> 00:39:59.672
And if i'm honest, my mom didn't make it
00:39:59.672 --> 00:40:03.543
Like, she never made it hot.
00:40:03.543 --> 00:40:05.345
You know, like, it wasn't like she was against him.
00:40:05.345 --> 00:40:08.014
It was just my brother and i went into make sure we do it
00:40:08.014 --> 00:40:12.418
Because when he comes in, it's about to be a wrap.
00:40:12.418 --> 00:40:14.454
And then when he goes, he's going to yell at you or you get
00:40:14.454 --> 00:40:16.623
In trouble and then he'll go upstairs and then everybody's
00:40:16.623 --> 00:40:18.858
Like, you know, after the dust settles.
00:40:18.858 --> 00:40:21.160
And it's like, all right, no, wash the dishes.
00:40:21.160 --> 00:40:24.130
Make sure you let's let's put the plates out for dinner.
00:40:24.130 --> 00:40:25.965
I hated that.
00:40:25.965 --> 00:40:27.834
And so with my boys, when their dad would starts-- first of all
00:40:27.834 --> 00:40:31.838
He's very is just a very loud man in general.
00:40:31.838 --> 00:40:35.208
So even if it's fun, it would always be like,
00:40:35.208 --> 00:40:39.112
It would set me off, it would be alarming.
00:40:39.112 --> 00:40:40.747
But because i knew, there was something i knew about,
00:40:40.747 --> 00:40:44.017
Men need men, like in order for these men to grow,
00:40:44.017 --> 00:40:46.119
They need a man and i need to stay out of it because also i'm
00:40:46.119 --> 00:40:49.489
Afraid that when you speak to them loud,
00:40:49.489 --> 00:40:53.526
That's giving daddy vibes and i need to get away.
00:40:53.526 --> 00:40:56.095
I would stay out of it.
00:40:56.095 --> 00:40:57.864
But i think it actually created a wedge between my husband and
00:40:57.864 --> 00:41:03.002
I, and so i you know it created another layer and level of
00:41:03.002 --> 00:41:08.074
Conflict that really didn't involve the kids.
00:41:08.074 --> 00:41:11.711
Right?
00:41:11.711 --> 00:41:13.146
And i was i felt like i was trying to protect them from an
00:41:13.146 --> 00:41:14.981
Angry father.
00:41:14.981 --> 00:41:16.215
But i knew that they needed their father.
00:41:16.215 --> 00:41:17.850
I think like over time like i've seen how leaving them alone was
00:41:17.850 --> 00:41:23.222
Good for them, but still created a level of awkwardness and like
00:41:23.222 --> 00:41:27.393
The anti -conflict, which is kind of,
00:41:27.393 --> 00:41:29.796
It's partners and cousins with people pleasing.
00:41:29.796 --> 00:41:33.099
- yes.
00:41:33.099 --> 00:41:34.434
- that has just not been a great environment because it's like
00:41:34.434 --> 00:41:38.037
Now we're walking on eggshells with each other because it's
00:41:38.037 --> 00:41:41.307
Like, i don't like that you did that,
00:41:41.307 --> 00:41:42.608
But also i know they need a man to, you know,
00:41:42.608 --> 00:41:44.310
Tell him and even rough them up.
00:41:44.310 --> 00:41:46.679
And so like, well, where do i sit?
00:41:46.679 --> 00:41:48.448
Where do i stand?
00:41:48.448 --> 00:41:49.782
And then it makes me go back to this whole thing of, like, oh,
00:41:49.782 --> 00:41:51.684
This is your stuff, naomi.
00:41:51.684 --> 00:41:53.886
This is little girl naomi stuff that you've never dealt with.
00:41:53.886 --> 00:41:56.823
And what i did want to say is, my family have-- we've lived
00:41:56.823 --> 00:42:01.361
Together, so the fatherless have lived with my mother and
00:42:01.361 --> 00:42:04.430
Father in, like, a mother daughter household.
00:42:04.430 --> 00:42:06.332
And so it's giving, you know, blended in a different way.
00:42:06.332 --> 00:42:09.369
It's giving, like, nutribullet blend.
00:42:09.369 --> 00:42:11.771
Yes-- - you know what i mean?
00:42:11.771 --> 00:42:12.839
Not nutribullet.
00:42:12.839 --> 00:42:13.940
- blended two point up.
00:42:13.940 --> 00:42:14.874
- you know what i mean?
00:42:14.874 --> 00:42:15.675
- blended two point up.
00:42:15.675 --> 00:42:16.242
Yeah.
00:42:16.242 --> 00:42:17.443
- which has been nice but also it was difficult as well
00:42:17.443 --> 00:42:22.415
And so there is a prooving that we are good parents
00:42:22.415 --> 00:42:25.518
Because my parents are there in watching, you know.
00:42:25.518 --> 00:42:27.587
And also trying to proove that we are not living by
00:42:27.587 --> 00:42:30.056
The old stuff that they used to do.
00:42:30.056 --> 00:42:32.091
And my dad has come along way in watching us raise the kids
00:42:32.091 --> 00:42:35.595
And my girl is out now, so now it's just the boys
00:42:35.595 --> 00:42:38.030
Watching that whole thing happen
00:42:38.030 --> 00:42:40.099
And my dad has changed and my dad has repented, and my dad
00:42:40.099 --> 00:42:45.471
Has like-- beautiful.
00:42:45.471 --> 00:42:47.106
- and now i'm starting realize after
00:42:47.106 --> 00:42:49.575
Therapy i'm like maybe i was a little annoyed with my mom that
00:42:49.575 --> 00:42:53.112
She didn't say anything and there's all of this
00:42:53.112 --> 00:42:54.547
Stuff that just starts to like-- - so complicated.
00:42:54.547 --> 00:42:57.049
[indiscernible chat]
00:42:57.049 --> 00:42:58.785
- and now me and daddy when my mom when my mom starts acting,
00:42:58.785 --> 00:43:01.454
Im like, here she goes again.
00:43:01.454 --> 00:43:02.822
And yeah [laughing]
00:43:02.822 --> 00:43:04.023
- and she like what are y 'all talking about?
00:43:04.023 --> 00:43:05.525
You know, but it's what used to be like, we could never talk,
00:43:05.525 --> 00:43:08.361
Is now, now we're teaming up on her.
00:43:08.361 --> 00:43:09.429
But there's, like, growth and feeling.
00:43:09.429 --> 00:43:14.133
I think my thing is, like, i'm grateful for the honesty and the
00:43:14.133 --> 00:43:17.336
Fact that my dad was able to apologize to my brother and i.
00:43:17.336 --> 00:43:20.807
And it's like, i literally, i feel like every six months,
00:43:20.807 --> 00:43:23.276
I get an apology message, like, naomi, i'm sorry.
00:43:23.276 --> 00:43:26.179
I say daddy, let it go already.
00:43:26.179 --> 00:43:28.247
Now you let it go, but i'm realizing he's still dealing
00:43:28.247 --> 00:43:29.982
With a lot of grief and shame and remorse and the things
00:43:29.982 --> 00:43:33.820
And it's like, oh my goodness, my parents were just kids when
00:43:33.820 --> 00:43:37.890
They were parenting me.
00:43:37.890 --> 00:43:39.258
They didn't know anything or know any better and so i'm
00:43:39.258 --> 00:43:41.928
Grateful for where i am now because i have another
00:43:41.928 --> 00:43:44.063
Perspective and i'm also grateful for the moments where i
00:43:44.063 --> 00:43:46.399
Could be like, yeah, daddy, that hurt me.
00:43:46.399 --> 00:43:48.100
Yeah, that wasn't right.
00:43:48.100 --> 00:43:49.502
It's just like the gratefulness of like, man, honestly.
00:43:49.502 --> 00:43:52.505
- i think one of the hardest things to live with is regret.
00:43:53.739 --> 00:43:55.842
You know, that maybe something in your past and your family
00:43:55.842 --> 00:44:00.279
Circled it, that you wish had turned out differently,
00:44:00.279 --> 00:44:02.582
Or that you wish that you had done it differently.
00:44:02.582 --> 00:44:05.084
And i think it really depends.
00:44:05.084 --> 00:44:06.619
Like, say, for example, you did something that hurt some people
00:44:06.619 --> 00:44:10.289
In your family.
00:44:10.289 --> 00:44:11.424
And it's kind of in the past, but you regret it.
00:44:11.424 --> 00:44:14.360
It's not too late to say, hey, you know what?
00:44:14.360 --> 00:44:17.230
I just want you to know i'm aware of what i did and i'm
00:44:17.230 --> 00:44:20.500
Really sorry.
00:44:20.500 --> 00:44:21.534
In fact, it caught up with me not so long ago,
00:44:21.534 --> 00:44:24.070
Just a few months ago.
00:44:24.070 --> 00:44:25.471
I discovered that something had said a long time ago.
00:44:25.471 --> 00:44:28.040
I'd actually hurt and wounded my brother and that kind of broke
00:44:28.040 --> 00:44:32.945
My heart 'cause i love him so much.
00:44:32.945 --> 00:44:35.715
And, but i love the fact that i actually said to him when i saw
00:44:35.715 --> 00:44:39.819
Him, you know, i feel there's a little bit of a distance between
00:44:39.819 --> 00:44:42.855
Us.
00:44:42.855 --> 00:44:44.123
And he said, do you want to know the reason why?
00:44:44.123 --> 00:44:46.025
And i said, absolutely i do.
00:44:46.025 --> 00:44:47.660
And he shared that with me.
00:44:47.660 --> 00:44:49.462
And so to be given this gift of this opportunity to say, listen,
00:44:49.462 --> 00:44:53.599
I am so sorry.
00:44:53.599 --> 00:44:55.334
I take complete responsibility for that.
00:44:55.334 --> 00:44:58.137
And i ask that you would forgive me.
00:44:58.137 --> 00:45:00.106
Regret is hard to live with.
00:45:00.106 --> 00:45:02.475
Forgiveness is not.
00:45:02.475 --> 00:45:04.210
- that right there, like in leaving room for restoration,
00:45:05.444 --> 00:45:08.548
We said it yesterday too, but like not stopping the story
00:45:08.548 --> 00:45:11.684
Where god hasn't, 'cause if you didn't allow that space or that
00:45:11.684 --> 00:45:15.154
Time or, and that's, again, it's so layered and complicated
00:45:15.154 --> 00:45:17.623
Because i'm absolutely not saying that we always need
00:45:17.623 --> 00:45:21.761
To come straight back and live under the same household with
00:45:21.761 --> 00:45:23.996
Somebody that especially, but havia hasn't changed,
00:45:23.996 --> 00:45:27.099
Or like forgiveness is one thing,
00:45:27.099 --> 00:45:28.334
Trust is a whole different thing.
00:45:28.334 --> 00:45:29.969
And so it is so layered and requires nuance,
00:45:29.969 --> 00:45:32.738
But i think there is so much room for growth and i am so
00:45:32.738 --> 00:45:37.843
Grateful that there is growth allowed in conflict and family.
00:45:37.843 --> 00:45:41.781
I am in a brand new season of being an instant mom to a seven
00:45:41.781 --> 00:45:46.552
Year old and a five year old little girl who up until i came
00:45:46.552 --> 00:45:49.388
Into the picture felt like they were married to their daddy.
00:45:49.388 --> 00:45:52.725
They were their daddy's little girls.
00:45:52.725 --> 00:45:54.560
And so now in the blended 1.0, you are on the 2.0 blended.
00:45:54.560 --> 00:45:58.164
1.0 it's like this navigating with
00:45:58.164 --> 00:46:01.801
These girls is conflict that they see but can't
00:46:01.801 --> 00:46:04.203
Interpret why do i feel this angst sometimes and i remember
00:46:04.203 --> 00:46:08.074
Just to close before we pray this one day.
00:46:08.074 --> 00:46:09.775
Recently with zara and she'll sometimes get angry about things
00:46:09.775 --> 00:46:15.214
Which like same but she's 7 she doesn't know why and i knew she
00:46:15.214 --> 00:46:18.517
Was having a tough day.
00:46:18.517 --> 00:46:19.852
She come back from being at one of her extended families house
00:46:19.852 --> 00:46:21.821
And came back and she's just you could see wrestling internally
00:46:21.821 --> 00:46:26.325
But didn't know how to verbalize it didn't have words for it and
00:46:26.325 --> 00:46:28.728
It was directed at me and me just kind of questioning god
00:46:28.728 --> 00:46:33.032
Like i really want to lash out like i'm really over this i'm
00:46:33.032 --> 00:46:36.402
Over it and i know she's seven and i know i'm the adults but i
00:46:36.402 --> 00:46:38.704
Have some things i could say that would really shut her up
00:46:38.704 --> 00:46:42.041
Right now and i just felt like the holy spirit was like just
00:46:42.041 --> 00:46:45.845
Wait, just wait, just and at the end of the day,
00:46:45.845 --> 00:46:48.581
I said she was about to have a bath and i was like,
00:46:48.581 --> 00:46:51.684
"do you want to brush your hair?"
00:46:51.684 --> 00:46:53.119
She's like, "no, i'm going to do it." and i was like, "okay."
00:46:53.119 --> 00:46:54.520
She starts brushing her hair and you can just see she's
00:46:54.520 --> 00:46:56.055
Aggressive with her hair and she is tearing that thing up.
00:46:56.055 --> 00:46:59.725
Like, and just not often, like she's creating knots with her
00:46:59.725 --> 00:47:02.695
Hairbrush, which is very impressive,
00:47:02.695 --> 00:47:04.196
But also problematic because i know what's going to happen.
00:47:04.196 --> 00:47:07.767
And she's crying, and suddenly she breaks, she starts crying.
00:47:07.767 --> 00:47:11.871
I'm just understanding and watching,
00:47:11.871 --> 00:47:13.339
She doesn't look at me, she just gets into the bath and so now
00:47:13.339 --> 00:47:15.608
She's got wet, nutty hair and i'm like, oh my goodness.
00:47:15.608 --> 00:47:20.046
And i'm about to walk away and give us some space and she
00:47:20.046 --> 00:47:22.214
Finally says, can you help me?
00:47:22.214 --> 00:47:26.452
And i knew for that little seven year old girl to ask for help in
00:47:26.552 --> 00:47:31.991
That moment from the person that is so complicated in moments
00:47:31.991 --> 00:47:36.562
That it was huge and so i almost burst into tears and i remember
00:47:36.562 --> 00:47:41.734
Sitting beside her and taking a different hairbrush and one by
00:47:41.734 --> 00:47:44.837
One brushing her hair and she's trying not to let me see her
00:47:44.837 --> 00:47:51.043
Cry.
00:47:51.043 --> 00:47:52.378
We didn't say much but it was this moment where i realized i
00:47:52.378 --> 00:47:56.882
Think she'll remember that.
00:47:56.882 --> 00:47:58.317
There are moments when you were kids and you just remember and
00:47:58.417 --> 00:48:00.686
You kind of knew as a kid in that moment, i won't forget it.
00:48:00.686 --> 00:48:03.989
I think when it comes to family conflict,
00:48:03.989 --> 00:48:05.725
We are all the person with the brush having to wait and we are
00:48:05.725 --> 00:48:12.832
All the zahra having to say, will you help me?
00:48:12.832 --> 00:48:17.002
And i am grateful that he hasn't stopped writing the story so
00:48:17.002 --> 00:48:21.173
That there is room for restoration,
00:48:21.173 --> 00:48:23.309
There is room for others to grow.
00:48:23.309 --> 00:48:26.479
And my goodness, i'm grateful that god isn't done with me
00:48:26.479 --> 00:48:30.416
Growing me, helping me speak up, helping me be say just like
00:48:30.416 --> 00:48:34.587
You're talking about yesterday with your brother will you
00:48:34.587 --> 00:48:36.255
Forgive me.
00:48:36.255 --> 00:48:37.556
And so with such a layered topic i would love to just pray for
00:48:37.556 --> 00:48:42.094
Anyone in the middle of that i don't know what to do.
00:48:42.094 --> 00:48:45.397
This can never get better.
00:48:45.397 --> 00:48:48.434
I haven't spoken to them in years or for the person that was
00:48:48.434 --> 00:48:51.837
The dad, that was the person that said something,
00:48:51.837 --> 00:48:56.542
The one that knows i messed up, that god would give the grace
00:48:56.542 --> 00:48:58.611
And clarity to know just the next step.
00:48:58.611 --> 00:49:02.248
So we pray.
00:49:02.248 --> 00:49:04.150
God, i just thank you so much for your kindness
00:49:04.250 --> 00:49:06.085
I feel your presence right now.
00:49:06.085 --> 00:49:09.088
Prince of peace, i pray that you would give an abundance of peace
00:49:09.188 --> 00:49:14.226
In the midst of what feels like chaos and crisis.
00:49:14.226 --> 00:49:18.297
What conflict can feel so messy but god would you show us the
00:49:18.297 --> 00:49:22.735
Beauty and restoration and redemption in it and how it can
00:49:22.735 --> 00:49:26.005
Actually draw people together especially where we've had
00:49:26.005 --> 00:49:29.375
Experiences where we've only seen it tear us apart.
00:49:29.375 --> 00:49:32.144
God i thank you for your plan for family and god i pray for
00:49:32.144 --> 00:49:35.114
Everyone right now that would admit that they need a miracle
00:49:35.114 --> 00:49:38.417
When it comes to conflict with a family member or a chosen family
00:49:38.417 --> 00:49:40.920
Member god.
00:49:40.920 --> 00:49:42.154
Lord, would you do a miracle?
00:49:42.154 --> 00:49:44.723
Would you convict where there needs to be conviction?
00:49:44.723 --> 00:49:46.525
Would you humble where there needs to be humility?
00:49:46.525 --> 00:49:48.994
Would you help us all?
00:49:48.994 --> 00:49:51.564
God, see our role in conflict, but not take on things that were
00:49:51.664 --> 00:49:56.101
Not for us to carry.
00:49:56.101 --> 00:49:57.603
And god, i just pray that you, the one that knows how to bring
00:49:57.603 --> 00:50:01.507
Broken things together, lord, that you would some way,
00:50:01.507 --> 00:50:05.311
Somehow, bring peace and restoration to the family plan
00:50:05.311 --> 00:50:10.883
That was your idea in the very beginning.
00:50:10.883 --> 00:50:13.152
God, so we commit it to you.
00:50:13.152 --> 00:50:15.187
I pray for the weight that people have been carrying on
00:50:15.187 --> 00:50:17.356
Their shoulders, that they are not strong enough to carry.
00:50:17.356 --> 00:50:20.059
God, i pray that you would take that weight right now.
00:50:20.059 --> 00:50:23.629
And more than anything, god, i pray that you would bring back
00:50:23.729 --> 00:50:27.266
Unity, the type that commands a blessing.
00:50:27.266 --> 00:50:31.503
In jesus' name, amen.
00:50:31.503 --> 00:50:33.939
- amen.
00:50:33.939 --> 00:50:35.574
- connect with us on social media and let us know how our
00:50:36.809 --> 00:50:39.078
Team can pray for you.
00:50:39.078 --> 00:50:41.814
Join our conversations anytime, anywhere.
00:50:42.748 --> 00:50:45.150
Download tbn+ to stream your favorite episodes.
00:50:45.150 --> 00:50:48.587
[music]
00:50:48.587 --> 00:50:48.587

Navigating Family Conflict - Episode 1077

July 15, 2025 | S7 E1077 | 52:34

Closed captions

Share