Better Together

When Couples Face Life's Changes | Better Together Episode 1144

February 12, 2026 | S8 E1144 | 50:59

Parenthood, empty nesting, caring for aging parents—marriages endure many seasons. Open communication is the key to navigating sudden change and life's challenges with grace. Every season we face is an opportunity for deeper intimacy, unity, and growth. | TBN Prayer Line: 714-731-1000

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Better Together | When Couples Face Life's Changes | Better Together Episode 1144 | February 12, 2026

- newlyweds to empty nesters.
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How couples face life's biggest changes can strengthen our bond
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Or maybe pull us apart.
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Come on, let's talk about it.
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[music]
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- you know, being married for 41 years,
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I look back over my life how i have gone through
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So many different transitions.
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However, when we first got married, that was never a discussion.
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Never was prepared for the transitions that we would all,
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You know, encounter in life, like
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Having children at a young age.
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You know, how was that gonna transition us
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And how was that gonna look?
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- does anybody?
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- you know, i don't know.
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I don't know if people really have these conversations or not.
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I didn't know once i had my daughter,
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I was gonna forget about my husband, you know?
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I didn't know that i was supposed to keep him in mind as well.
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- oh, you're still here.
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Hang on.
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- like, okay, you gave me someone else to pay attention to.
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I didn't know how to manage that transition.
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Then going, you know, through it, and my kids grow up,
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And they're off, and married, and living their own life.
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And now, i'm an empty nester.
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That's another transition.
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And i'm looking like, okay, so who is this man
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That i've been living with all of these years?
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Because my attention has been, you know,
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Really split and divided between so many people.
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So, it's like now, we have a lot of time together.
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We already work together.
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Now, you mean we have to really do life together.
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Transitions, just things that just got me.
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And even going through the sickness.
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You know, you hear people get married.
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Nowadays, they don't want to say in sickness and in health.
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But sickness is like a real thing that you have to think about.
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But who talks about that?
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When you're healthy at 20, you know,
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You're not thinking about, "oh, it's gonna be beautiful.
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We're never gonna get sick.”
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Or, you know, like, "if you do, then this is how i will be,
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And this is how i'll manage.”
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Nobody thinks about that.
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We make these confessions so early on,
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But we really don't process it the right way.
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And then, menopause.
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What?
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- i haven't met her yet, so i don't want to meet her.
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I don't want to meet her.
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- i pray you will never meet her.
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- i don't want to meet her.
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She doesn't sound very nice.
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- listen, that menopause will put men on pause.
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It's like, pause.
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I don't want to be bothered with you right now.
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I don't want to deal with you.
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I cannot, you know?
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And so, all of these different transitions,
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Like, taught me something about me.
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Like, i didn't know how to process, like, grieving moments.
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Because it was so many different grieving moments in there.
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You don't think about you're gonna grieve
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When you go through different things.
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And i had to really begin to learn how
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To renegotiate our connection terms.
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I had to renegotiate those things
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Because i was married to someone who i really,
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Truly didn't fully communicate with about certain things that i
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Was going through, and he was left
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On a back burner a lot of the times.
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And so, we sat down, and we talked about it like,
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"okay, how are we going to handle this?”
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Like, i couldn't even go upstairs in my daughter's room
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When the last one left, because it would just overwhelm me.
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I would get so consumed with my babies are gone.
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Like, what do you do now, you know?
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And so, i had to, like, really allow him into my world,
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Allow him to help me, like, get through those moments.
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And i had to help him as well because i had to talk to him like,
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"this is what i'm feeling.
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It has nothing to do with you.
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Let's come together and let's connect again.”
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And that only comes out of, i say three c's,
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That's communication.
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We had to talk about what we both were dealing with,
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What we both were, you know, encountering at those times.
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And then, we had to keep compassion alive
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Because that compassion for understanding
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What we were going through.
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Because it was real for me, regardless of how silly it
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May have been to him at times, like, girl, get over it.
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Like, why are you crying about that?
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They're gone.
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Well, for me, it was a real emotion.
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And then, that last one i always say was curiosity.
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Having the curiosity to know that one day
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We're going to be two better individuals.
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And i'm curious enough to want to know how you're going
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To be after this process, when we get to the end of this.
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- there's so many different stages in life.
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When you first get married, and you've got the kind
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Of honeymoon phase, and everything is wonderful.
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And then, you get pregnant, and you have a baby,
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And suddenly you have this other little human to take care of,
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And it takes so much time, and you're so exhausted.
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I remember thinking i should have slept more the first 40 years
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Of my life, but there's something about retaining a sense
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Of humor in the midst of everything
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Because it's not all going to go right.
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You know, things are going to go wacky at times,
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But stay connected because sometimes i've spoken to couples who
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Said that, you know, we just spent
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All our time focusing on our children.
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And then, our children went off to college,
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And we kind of looked at each other like, who are you again?
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So, kids take your time, i get that.
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It's important to do that.
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But make time to stay connected to one another
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Because you're there for the long haul.
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- and so, i had to go through so many different things,
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But i don't know.
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So, like, am i a freak of nature?
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Like, did all of you talk about those things
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When you first got married?
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I don't know if anyone ever even put that in the counseling.
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- why is the marriage shower--
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You know, like, nobody's talking about the things--
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Actually, i believe they give you showers
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For things that are really going to be the hardest,
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Like a baby shower, a wedding shower.
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The only thing i haven't gotten is aging parent shower.
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Like, that's the one nobody's prepared me for, and so--
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I mean, just that's where you want the collective wisdom.
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And somehow, it seems like the older people
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That are at the shower, it's like, we all know.
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And it's like, "eh, why tell them right now though?”
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It'll come, you know?
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Like things are going to happen, and i want them to be happy,
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And enjoy this, but the warnings of the transitions.
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And i think what was so surprising in the different seasons that
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We moved from alabama to texas, you know,
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All different opportunities.
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When we went from having one child to having two,
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That was a big transition.
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When we took my daughter to college, that was a huge transition.
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So, just those pieces of it.
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The interesting part is that you're both experiencing it
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For the first time a lot of times.
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And so, you don't necessarily have a language for it.
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And i think that's the same thing
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When we talk about conflict or all these different places.
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You're discovering something about me,
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And now i'm discovering something about me.
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And it's like, "what do you need in this moment?”
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I don't know.
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But fix it, you know?
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I mean, like, make it go away, you know?
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And so, you're discovering something in that room
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To discover that, that room to say, "hey, this is different.”
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I mentioned in an earlier show of my daughter coming
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Back from school and us just navigating that transition.
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How do we talk with her.
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We want her to step into this.
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She's an adult.
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So, how does that differ in the way that we communicate?
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What requests are we making?
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And making clear our expectations versus, you know,
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Any kind of demands or just treating her like a child, you know?
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And so, like eve especially, she's studying for the mcat,
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And i'm like, "are you studying with headphones on?”
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She was like, "only for the last four years.”
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You know, like you're like, "oh, okay.”
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I don't think that's a real, like, healthy--
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You know, i mean, you're just up at all these shifts.
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And then, you know, we're trying to keep each other,
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But we had never had this happen.
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We're trying to keep each other in check.
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It's like, "hey, i think that you went too far.”
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You know, like, me too.
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But i didn't know.
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I started verbally vomiting, and i couldn't stop.
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Like, i was mothering.
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It was a conditional mothering, you know?
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And so, these places of even just that grace,
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We didn't get a book about this.
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And so, i think that grace for the transitions
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And the grace for yourself in that.
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Because just because you're older, you're experiencing--
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You think, "oh, i'm supposed to handle this better,”
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But it's new to you.
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And so, the unfamiliar that occurs that
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You just didn't know how to navigate that.
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And just the space to not fix each other
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But to allow each other to work through it,
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That has been a gift to me, that what i was mad about kenneth's
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Silence, or you know, ability to hold it,
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Really a lot of time was just containment.
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- that's right.
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- it's like, "oh, i can give you space for this."
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- i think check-ins with your husband are just--
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They're key.
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You know, we talk about a lot of--
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Okay, to be honest, my generation was not really good at carving
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Out like consistent date nights and what was, you know,
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Let's make sure we take some vacations together.
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And so, we really, for my husband and i,
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You know, maybe i'm blaming a whole generation.
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It was just my husband and i.
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It's just we just needed to carve out, you know,
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What does that look like and how do we commit to it?
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But then, once you do that, what do you do with that time?
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So, when changes come, when transitions happen,
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Being able to check in with each other
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And communicate is just huge.
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"hey, how are you feeling?
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You know, what's going on with you?
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What are some expectations that you have about this season?”
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And hearing those too, i think it helps you navigate through how
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That transition can happen because now you can clearly hear,
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"oh, these are my expectations.
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Okay, these are the ones that i have.”
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Or you can both look at each other and be like,
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"we have no clue because we've never done this before.”
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And you're like, "oh my gosh, thank god.
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That's what i was feeling too.”
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But you walk together in alignment
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And heading in the same direction instead of fighting each other
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And not even knowing why.
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So, i think that the check-ins are important.
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The consistency of them are important.
00:10:48.070 --> 00:10:50.606
And just making sure that you're
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In alignment together is a huge part of that.
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- and what you're saying is you're talking about how important
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Communication is, that if you don't have a communication flow
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Or a culture, it's going to be really hard
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To go through these developmental changes.
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I'll never forget.
00:11:08.324 --> 00:11:09.225
I think it was our 16th anniversary.
00:11:09.225 --> 00:11:10.292
We're heading up to napa.
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We got as far as bakersfield, and we got in the biggest fight.
00:11:11.994 --> 00:11:15.498
And it was the kind of fight you're like,
00:11:15.498 --> 00:11:17.633
"we're going to turn around and go home right now.”
00:11:17.633 --> 00:11:19.668
I mean, i felt like i don't want
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To go on this stupid anniversary trip.
00:11:21.137 --> 00:11:23.572
And we kept driving.
00:11:23.572 --> 00:11:25.174
I mean, you know, you're like, i stopped the car.
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I don't want to do this.
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- let me out.
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Let me out.
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I'm going to jump out.
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- wait, you get out.
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- exactly.
00:11:32.348 --> 00:11:33.115
- no, you get out.
00:11:33.115 --> 00:11:33.916
No, you get out.
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- exactly.
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- i'm not going on the side of the road.
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- well, you know, you're trapped in this space and in this car.
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And you're like, "ok, this is do or die.
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Are we going to get through this?”
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We kept driving 30 more minutes.
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After all my tears, and what are we doing?
00:11:46.095 --> 00:11:48.097
It was like, "okay, you don't like this.
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I don't like it either.
00:11:51.233 --> 00:11:51.967
It's time to renegotiate.”
00:11:51.967 --> 00:11:53.235
The rest of the trip, we renegotiated our marriage.
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What do you need now?
00:11:55.805 --> 00:11:57.072
What do i need now?
00:11:57.072 --> 00:11:58.207
And from a human development perspective,
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Do you know that we're changing developmentally,
00:12:00.109 --> 00:12:01.911
Emotionally, intellectually, every seven years?
00:12:01.911 --> 00:12:05.714
- every seven years?
00:12:05.714 --> 00:12:06.982
- every seven years.
00:12:06.982 --> 00:12:08.217
So, that's what--
00:12:08.217 --> 00:12:09.218
Have you noticed your food tastes change?
00:12:09.218 --> 00:12:11.353
- absolutely.
00:12:11.353 --> 00:12:12.721
- what you loved you don't love anymore, and so you have that.
00:12:12.721 --> 00:12:15.057
Then, you have the whole idea of,
00:12:15.057 --> 00:12:16.792
You know, your seasons of life is changing.
00:12:16.792 --> 00:12:18.694
Also, psychologists are saying that we have about
00:12:18.694 --> 00:12:20.996
Four to six different marriages within one marriage.
00:12:20.996 --> 00:12:25.301
And so, this trip was like a redefining.
00:12:25.301 --> 00:12:27.536
And i think we were both so desperate for peace,
00:12:27.536 --> 00:12:31.140
And it was so relieving to say, "let's re-strategize.
00:12:31.140 --> 00:12:34.310
What do you need?”
00:12:34.310 --> 00:12:35.277
"i need more of that, less of that.”
00:12:35.277 --> 00:12:36.545
"okay, let's do it.”
00:12:36.545 --> 00:12:37.513
And we problem solved.
00:12:37.513 --> 00:12:38.647
And we had the best anniversary trip ever.
00:12:38.647 --> 00:12:41.517
- i love that.
00:12:41.517 --> 00:12:42.151
- yes.
00:12:42.151 --> 00:12:43.352
That would not have happened if we didn't communicate.
00:12:43.352 --> 00:12:44.353
- yeah.
00:12:44.353 --> 00:12:45.588
- but communication is more than just someone talking.
00:12:45.588 --> 00:12:48.390
And i think that's something that has to be communicated, right?
00:12:48.390 --> 00:12:52.294
Because we've all been taught to talk.
00:12:52.294 --> 00:12:54.897
But we all haven't been taught to listen.
00:12:54.897 --> 00:12:57.466
And we have to listen.
00:12:57.466 --> 00:12:58.767
And then, we have to create that meaning together
00:12:58.767 --> 00:13:01.136
Because you said something, and i don't understand it.
00:13:01.136 --> 00:13:05.107
And you have to be willing and big enough
00:13:05.107 --> 00:13:08.377
To say it another way until i can get it.
00:13:08.377 --> 00:13:11.180
Because it's not really communication until i understand it.
00:13:11.180 --> 00:13:14.316
So, we say all kinds of things, but we really aren't
00:13:14.316 --> 00:13:17.820
Communicating the way to get the, you know,
00:13:17.820 --> 00:13:21.123
I guess the fruit from whatever it is that we're saying.
00:13:21.123 --> 00:13:23.859
- and that curiosity.
00:13:23.859 --> 00:13:25.327
There's a phrase that i encourage
00:13:25.327 --> 00:13:26.862
Couples to say often is tell me more.
00:13:26.862 --> 00:13:29.765
- tell me more.
00:13:29.765 --> 00:13:31.834
- in marriage, you're going to change a lot.
00:13:32.835 --> 00:13:35.371
Your partner's going to change a lot.
00:13:35.371 --> 00:13:36.739
In fact, you may not know this, but research shows
00:13:36.739 --> 00:13:39.775
That we change developmentally every seven years.
00:13:39.775 --> 00:13:43.145
So, if you say, "you know what?
00:13:43.145 --> 00:13:44.747
My partner isn't the person i married,”
00:13:44.747 --> 00:13:47.449
You're right.
00:13:47.449 --> 00:13:48.217
They aren't.
00:13:48.217 --> 00:13:48.851
They're changing.
00:13:48.851 --> 00:13:49.518
And you're changing, too.
00:13:49.518 --> 00:13:51.320
We also have learned in psychology that one marriage can have
00:13:51.320 --> 00:13:55.858
About four to six marriages in a lifetime
00:13:55.858 --> 00:13:58.727
Together with the same person.
00:13:58.727 --> 00:14:00.629
So, things are always going to be different.
00:14:00.629 --> 00:14:03.365
But if you see your partner changing in ways that concern you,
00:14:03.365 --> 00:14:06.068
Let me encourage you to don't rush to judgment.
00:14:06.068 --> 00:14:09.405
Assess the situation, find out what's really going on,
00:14:09.405 --> 00:14:12.975
And ask good questions.
00:14:12.975 --> 00:14:14.610
This would begin with a soft startup.
00:14:14.610 --> 00:14:17.179
Say, "hey, i've noticed some things going on.
00:14:17.179 --> 00:14:20.182
I've noticed you've changed in certain ways.
00:14:20.182 --> 00:14:21.483
Can you tell me what you're thinking,
00:14:21.483 --> 00:14:23.719
What you're going through?”
00:14:23.719 --> 00:14:24.887
It removes the defenses and starts a conversation.
00:14:24.887 --> 00:14:27.156
Remember, curiosity, not criticism,
00:14:27.156 --> 00:14:30.125
Is a great way to navigate changes.
00:14:30.125 --> 00:14:32.328
And also, embrace the change.
00:14:32.328 --> 00:14:34.163
It's what marriage is all about.
00:14:34.163 --> 00:14:36.332
- we want you to join the conversation
00:14:37.199 --> 00:14:39.101
And connect with us on social media.
00:14:39.101 --> 00:14:41.437
- ask a question, share a prayer request,
00:14:41.437 --> 00:14:43.305
And make friends with women all over the world.
00:14:43.305 --> 00:14:45.941
- we are better together.
00:14:45.941 --> 00:14:48.010
- let's keep the conversation going.
00:14:48.844 --> 00:14:51.046
You can find the "better together”
00:14:51.046 --> 00:14:52.414
Podcast on your favorite listening platform.
00:14:52.414 --> 00:14:55.184
Subscribe today.
00:14:55.184 --> 00:14:59.009
[music]
00:14:59.099 --> 00:15:02.135
- my dad has two phds, so y'all--
00:15:02.135 --> 00:15:05.105
And i mean in like the real stuff, like physics and--
00:15:05.105 --> 00:15:08.641
I mean, just like--
00:15:08.641 --> 00:15:09.943
Just a smart, smart, amazing man.
00:15:10.777 --> 00:15:14.481
But when you argued with him, you better come with your cards,
00:15:14.481 --> 00:15:17.617
Like your facts, like it was a debate.
00:15:17.617 --> 00:15:19.319
And so, i listen for what i disagree with.
00:15:19.319 --> 00:15:22.756
I listen for points.
00:15:22.756 --> 00:15:24.958
I'm listening and talking to myself at the same time,
00:15:24.958 --> 00:15:28.228
So i'm really not listening.
00:15:28.228 --> 00:15:29.763
I'm just--
00:15:29.763 --> 00:15:31.031
You know, so it's even the art of that, like, slow down.
00:15:31.031 --> 00:15:34.801
Like, you're okay that you don't have something immediate
00:15:34.801 --> 00:15:37.504
To say in this, that you could pause, that you could--
00:15:37.504 --> 00:15:40.607
Like, that communication, i didn't watch it.
00:15:40.607 --> 00:15:44.010
And so, you know, i would say it's not a relearning,
00:15:44.010 --> 00:15:46.813
It's just learning.
00:15:46.813 --> 00:15:48.381
What does that look like?
00:15:48.381 --> 00:15:49.449
And what does that mean that i can listen?
00:15:49.449 --> 00:15:52.619
And even, could i even switch for what do i agree?
00:15:52.619 --> 00:15:56.022
Where are the common grounds?
00:15:56.022 --> 00:15:57.290
You know, the enemy's tempting us to find the negative.
00:15:57.290 --> 00:16:00.493
Oh, see, see?
00:16:00.493 --> 00:16:01.828
That right there, you know, just the self-fulfilling prophecy.
00:16:01.828 --> 00:16:05.298
I'm listening for you to do or say something that is a part
00:16:05.298 --> 00:16:09.002
Of your old habit or pattern, and we don't even give room
00:16:09.002 --> 00:16:12.739
For our spouses to change.
00:16:12.739 --> 00:16:14.707
So, this is a transition.
00:16:14.707 --> 00:16:16.342
We're talking about transition.
00:16:16.342 --> 00:16:18.278
And so, am i holding him to a version one,
00:16:18.278 --> 00:16:25.051
Or am i going to give you room to change and be different?
00:16:25.051 --> 00:16:27.754
And so, the moment that it sounds anything like what it used
00:16:27.754 --> 00:16:31.891
To be, you know, am i now pulling you back into that,
00:16:31.891 --> 00:16:34.928
And will i let you transition as well?
00:16:34.928 --> 00:16:37.497
- well, i think something so important what you just said is,
00:16:37.497 --> 00:16:40.200
"i was listening always for the negative.”
00:16:40.200 --> 00:16:42.735
Let's change that.
00:16:43.236 --> 00:16:44.471
- yeah, because if you listen for that, you'll find it.
00:16:44.471 --> 00:16:46.573
- yeah, every other word there.
00:16:46.573 --> 00:16:48.441
I think that grace though, i need grace.
00:16:48.441 --> 00:16:52.512
I need grace in my life when things change.
00:16:52.512 --> 00:16:56.382
And i think being able to give that grace to your spouse,
00:16:56.382 --> 00:16:59.986
You know, and learning to do that.
00:16:59.986 --> 00:17:02.789
And, you know, that's hard.
00:17:02.789 --> 00:17:04.324
But he probably needs more grace for me even than i have for him
00:17:04.324 --> 00:17:08.094
Because of all the things that women
00:17:08.094 --> 00:17:10.096
Kind of naturally go through, you know?
00:17:10.096 --> 00:17:12.832
And my grandpa used to say when i was little,
00:17:12.832 --> 00:17:14.667
He goes, "you have to say everything you think?”
00:17:14.667 --> 00:17:17.036
So, i've tried to get better at that,
00:17:17.904 --> 00:17:19.572
That you don't have to do that.
00:17:19.572 --> 00:17:21.441
That if you can just count--
00:17:21.441 --> 00:17:23.109
You know, "be slow to speak and quick to hear,”
00:17:23.109 --> 00:17:26.946
The bible says.
00:17:26.946 --> 00:17:28.281
- see, we're the opposite of that.
00:17:28.281 --> 00:17:29.582
I've had to look because barry wakes up talking.
00:17:29.582 --> 00:17:31.818
[laughter]
00:17:31.818 --> 00:17:33.286
Where is that in the bible?
00:17:33.286 --> 00:17:35.321
He just talks all the time.
00:17:35.989 --> 00:17:37.357
I'd be like, "i'm going out the balcony with my bible.
00:17:37.357 --> 00:17:39.626
Do not come out for 30 minutes unless the dog's on fire.”
00:17:39.626 --> 00:17:43.329
I don't mean smoke.
00:17:43.329 --> 00:17:44.731
There would need to be flames.
00:17:44.731 --> 00:17:46.533
And he would come, out and i'd be halfway through a chapter,
00:17:46.533 --> 00:17:49.335
But it wouldn't be anything important.
00:17:49.335 --> 00:17:50.570
It would be like, "do you think cats can smile?”
00:17:50.570 --> 00:17:54.574
I don't know.
00:17:55.008 --> 00:17:56.176
I don't know if a cat can smile.
00:17:56.176 --> 00:17:58.077
But we've had to learn different, you know, of--
00:17:58.077 --> 00:18:01.648
I've heard to learn to speak more,
00:18:01.648 --> 00:18:03.683
And barry's had to learn to speak less.
00:18:03.683 --> 00:18:05.485
- one of the biggest challenges when we
00:18:06.386 --> 00:18:08.154
Are in conflict of any kind is responding with grace.
00:18:08.154 --> 00:18:11.558
So, i want to tell you, take total responsibility for yourself.
00:18:11.558 --> 00:18:15.295
You're going to have to be mindful.
00:18:15.295 --> 00:18:16.829
You're going to have to watch your nervous system to remain calm
00:18:16.829 --> 00:18:20.033
As you can, to breathe, to pray, and say,
00:18:20.033 --> 00:18:22.802
"lord, may i be grace-filled in this moment.”
00:18:22.802 --> 00:18:26.139
And always look at your partner as
00:18:26.139 --> 00:18:28.208
Best you can through the lens of love.
00:18:28.208 --> 00:18:30.643
Remember who he is, who she is, and say, "i trust that heart.
00:18:30.643 --> 00:18:36.649
No matter how they're acting right now,
00:18:36.649 --> 00:18:38.551
I know who they really are,”
00:18:38.551 --> 00:18:40.186
And lean into that.
00:18:40.186 --> 00:18:41.688
- our biggest transition initially
00:18:42.522 --> 00:18:44.090
Was i didn't give birth till i was 40.
00:18:44.090 --> 00:18:46.459
You know, i got pregnant when i was 39.
00:18:46.459 --> 00:18:49.229
And so, having lived years, and then suddenly being a mother.
00:18:49.229 --> 00:18:54.234
And it's just, for me, one of the amazing
00:18:54.234 --> 00:18:56.569
Things was seeing a different side of barry.
00:18:56.569 --> 00:18:59.138
And watching how--
00:18:59.138 --> 00:19:00.073
Because i was nervous about bathing
00:19:00.073 --> 00:19:01.841
Christian the first day i brought him home.
00:19:01.841 --> 00:19:03.676
Because i thought, "i drop things, you know?”
00:19:03.676 --> 00:19:06.546
When my sister was pregnant, she made me
00:19:06.546 --> 00:19:08.348
Practice carrying a watermelon around.
00:19:08.348 --> 00:19:10.650
She said, "you drop things.”
00:19:10.650 --> 00:19:12.652
So, i was just nervous about the whole thing.
00:19:12.652 --> 00:19:15.989
But i saw a side of him that was just, that was really--
00:19:15.989 --> 00:19:19.959
Because he was amazing.
00:19:19.959 --> 00:19:21.160
He was so good and so caring.
00:19:21.160 --> 00:19:24.197
And then, going through--
00:19:24.197 --> 00:19:25.164
You know, i've gone through menopause.
00:19:25.164 --> 00:19:27.567
And it's interesting because in america,
00:19:27.567 --> 00:19:30.703
It's very different than in scotland.
00:19:30.703 --> 00:19:33.006
- menopause is different?
00:19:33.006 --> 00:19:34.073
- well, yeah.
00:19:34.073 --> 00:19:34.674
- or how we handle it?
00:19:34.674 --> 00:19:36.509
- it's like, so should i move to scotland?
00:19:36.509 --> 00:19:38.711
[crosstalk]
00:19:38.711 --> 00:19:40.380
I just want to know, like, does it help?
00:19:40.380 --> 00:19:42.615
It's like--
00:19:42.615 --> 00:19:43.983
- how we approach it, because my doctor over here said to me,
00:19:43.983 --> 00:19:47.353
"so, before we walk through this journey together,
00:19:47.353 --> 00:19:50.757
Call your mom and your sister and find out what it was like
00:19:50.757 --> 00:19:53.226
For them, you know, what they went through.”
00:19:53.226 --> 00:19:55.395
So, i called my mom and they're like,
00:19:55.395 --> 00:19:57.297
"what are you talking about?
00:19:57.297 --> 00:19:58.231
We just made us another cup of tea.”
00:19:58.231 --> 00:20:00.366
I mean, you just don't do anything there.
00:20:00.366 --> 00:20:01.968
You just kind of keep going.
00:20:01.968 --> 00:20:04.304
So, for me--
00:20:04.304 --> 00:20:05.938
The greatest transition for me has been understanding
00:20:06.039 --> 00:20:10.610
The presence of christ in the midst of every single transition.
00:20:10.610 --> 00:20:13.746
Because i can look back--
00:20:13.746 --> 00:20:15.682
Just the last three days of us being together and talking,
00:20:15.682 --> 00:20:18.918
I feel like i've learned so much.
00:20:18.918 --> 00:20:20.887
It's been a time for me to reflect on my own life
00:20:20.887 --> 00:20:23.923
And see ways that i could have communicated better.
00:20:23.923 --> 00:20:26.826
And i always thought i was a good communicator,
00:20:26.826 --> 00:20:29.696
But there was something about wounds that you
00:20:29.696 --> 00:20:32.265
Carry from your childhood where you feel--
00:20:32.265 --> 00:20:34.934
Because when i was a little girl, i was fighting for my life.
00:20:34.934 --> 00:20:37.937
If i hadn't fought back that night, i would not be here.
00:20:37.937 --> 00:20:40.473
So, there was a lesson that you learn of life is not safe.
00:20:40.473 --> 00:20:45.111
But it's this gentle shepherding of the lord, of walking.
00:20:45.111 --> 00:20:49.649
You know, even when i would hit some barrier with barry,
00:20:49.649 --> 00:20:52.185
Of understanding it's not just the lord is a shepherd,
00:20:52.185 --> 00:20:54.754
The lord is my shepherd.
00:20:54.754 --> 00:20:56.622
And the way he walks us through transitions
00:20:56.622 --> 00:20:59.158
And lets us know you're in a safe place.
00:20:59.158 --> 00:21:02.161
I love the picture of--
00:21:02.161 --> 00:21:03.629
I was watching a documentary.
00:21:03.629 --> 00:21:05.231
And it was a shepherd in israel,
00:21:05.231 --> 00:21:06.666
And he had this staff in his hand,
00:21:06.666 --> 00:21:09.335
And he was counting the sheep into the pen at night
00:21:09.335 --> 00:21:11.137
And parting there to make sure--
00:21:11.137 --> 00:21:12.271
They were putting oil in their head
00:21:12.271 --> 00:21:13.840
If there were bugs there to clear it all off.
00:21:13.840 --> 00:21:16.309
And then, he slept over the entrance.
00:21:16.309 --> 00:21:18.578
And there was something about that picture that was
00:21:18.578 --> 00:21:20.012
So touching to me.
00:21:20.012 --> 00:21:21.013
It was like, if you want to get to them,
00:21:21.013 --> 00:21:22.215
You'll have to come through.
00:21:22.215 --> 00:21:24.250
And i think that's been the greatest help at all
00:21:24.250 --> 00:21:26.786
The transitioning points in my life is understanding
00:21:26.786 --> 00:21:29.622
This tender care of the shepherd to walk you through.
00:21:29.622 --> 00:21:32.091
- because he never changes.
00:21:32.091 --> 00:21:33.359
So, there's something beautiful that's
00:21:34.227 --> 00:21:35.595
In the midst of what's changing.
00:21:35.595 --> 00:21:38.197
It's the constant that's there.
00:21:38.197 --> 00:21:40.600
- it is so critical that you each have your own personal
00:21:40.700 --> 00:21:44.704
Relationship with the lord, especially
00:21:44.704 --> 00:21:47.306
Because as you navigate through changes and transitions,
00:21:47.306 --> 00:21:50.810
You know, one of the things we miss is we talk about,
00:21:50.810 --> 00:21:52.678
You know, hey, how well are we communicating with each other?
00:21:52.678 --> 00:21:55.114
You know, are we having check-ins?
00:21:55.114 --> 00:21:56.783
But one of the pieces that is crucial in this is, am i praying,
00:21:56.783 --> 00:22:01.721
You know, for my spouse and for myself about this season?
00:22:01.721 --> 00:22:04.991
Am i like really saturating it in prayer?
00:22:04.991 --> 00:22:07.894
Because if i am, there's some things i'm not even going to have
00:22:07.894 --> 00:22:10.396
To communicate to my husband because the lord's going
00:22:10.396 --> 00:22:12.665
To communicate it to them in their own quiet time.
00:22:12.665 --> 00:22:15.635
Like, are we getting quiet with the lord to hear from the lord?
00:22:15.635 --> 00:22:19.705
Because it's really important that we move forward together
00:22:19.705 --> 00:22:22.341
In that alignment, but we know that we're moving forward
00:22:22.341 --> 00:22:24.477
Where god wants us to move forward.
00:22:24.477 --> 00:22:26.512
And each of us have different needs,
00:22:26.512 --> 00:22:28.514
And the lord really meets those needs personally
00:22:28.514 --> 00:22:31.017
When we go to him.
00:22:31.017 --> 00:22:32.285
And i just think that's critical in transitions,
00:22:32.285 --> 00:22:34.287
Because most of the transitions you face,
00:22:34.287 --> 00:22:36.556
You've never faced before.
00:22:36.556 --> 00:22:37.790
But the lord sees the end from the beginning,
00:22:38.825 --> 00:22:41.194
And he knows how to get you there.
00:22:41.194 --> 00:22:42.628
He knows the steps to take you in.
00:22:42.628 --> 00:22:44.297
- and i've noticed that between kenneth and i, typically,
00:22:45.498 --> 00:22:48.668
Within a change, someone's more prepared for it.
00:22:48.668 --> 00:22:51.938
Or, you know, like, it just seems like,
00:22:51.938 --> 00:22:53.840
You know, there's someone between the two of us.
00:22:53.840 --> 00:22:56.476
It's like, oh, like, that is ready for that.
00:22:56.476 --> 00:22:59.312
Or, you know, just like the instance of, like, well,
00:22:59.312 --> 00:23:01.447
I felt like my girlfriends were talking about the change that
00:23:01.447 --> 00:23:03.683
Would happen of khalilah coming home
00:23:03.683 --> 00:23:05.284
And what that would look like.
00:23:05.284 --> 00:23:06.853
And so, i felt a lot more prepared for that.
00:23:06.853 --> 00:23:08.754
And you could tell he looked surprised, like i don't know.
00:23:08.754 --> 00:23:12.325
You know, this is so different.
00:23:12.325 --> 00:23:13.993
What should we do about that?
00:23:13.993 --> 00:23:15.761
And i also think it's the difference of our personality,
00:23:15.761 --> 00:23:18.197
How we handle change.
00:23:18.197 --> 00:23:19.465
You know, laura, you were talking about you grew up
00:23:19.465 --> 00:23:21.434
Where your mom switched the furniture around.
00:23:21.434 --> 00:23:23.169
It's like my favorite thing.
00:23:23.169 --> 00:23:24.570
Every season, i switch my living room around.
00:23:24.570 --> 00:23:27.340
And so much so that i was almost like,
00:23:27.340 --> 00:23:29.408
You can't do this with the sectional.
00:23:29.408 --> 00:23:31.611
So, i bought rollers.
00:23:31.611 --> 00:23:32.879
[crosstalk]
00:23:32.879 --> 00:23:36.516
And i love it because there's just
00:23:36.516 --> 00:23:37.917
Something about it being different.
00:23:37.917 --> 00:23:39.685
And it's like buying new furniture for me or something.
00:23:39.685 --> 00:23:42.555
And it's just like, "look, i moved it around.”
00:23:42.555 --> 00:23:44.223
And so that to me is enjoyable, but
00:23:44.223 --> 00:23:48.528
There's some things how we handle change.
00:23:48.528 --> 00:23:51.731
And this is really leaning into what we talked about earlier
00:23:51.731 --> 00:23:54.267
This week of there are strengths and gifts that each of us have.
00:23:54.267 --> 00:23:57.937
Like i really do have an adaptable, flexible nature,
00:23:57.937 --> 00:24:01.941
And so when certain changes happen--
00:24:01.941 --> 00:24:04.176
Now, the one where my daughter went away to school,
00:24:04.176 --> 00:24:06.479
Oh, i was a wreck.
00:24:06.479 --> 00:24:08.314
And i didn't realize when the change would occur either,
00:24:08.314 --> 00:24:11.484
Like, or, you know, the emotions for it.
00:24:11.484 --> 00:24:13.553
I was literally stepping onto the airplane
00:24:13.553 --> 00:24:17.723
After we had dropped her off.
00:24:17.723 --> 00:24:19.725
And i thought, you know, i'll go home and cry.
00:24:19.725 --> 00:24:21.894
Y'all, just that step over, realizing you
00:24:21.894 --> 00:24:24.497
Were staying in florida and i am going to texas.
00:24:24.497 --> 00:24:27.433
And you know, the poor lady that's greeting you that's there,
00:24:27.433 --> 00:24:31.537
The stewardess.
00:24:31.537 --> 00:24:32.438
And so, she said, "hi,”
00:24:32.438 --> 00:24:33.639
And i went--
00:24:33.639 --> 00:24:35.174
And it was the worst place to have the ugly cry.
00:24:36.242 --> 00:24:38.878
I couldn't even stop.
00:24:38.878 --> 00:24:40.012
And he was like, "we just dropped off our daughter.
00:24:40.012 --> 00:24:42.048
It's going to be okay.”
00:24:42.048 --> 00:24:43.049
And i remember i was sitting in the chair
00:24:43.049 --> 00:24:45.718
Between his mom and him.
00:24:45.718 --> 00:24:47.486
And both of them clearly handle their emotions in the same way,
00:24:47.486 --> 00:24:50.623
And it wasn't going to be on the plane.
00:24:50.623 --> 00:24:52.391
And i was bawling.
00:24:52.391 --> 00:24:53.326
I was like--
00:24:53.326 --> 00:24:55.861
And his mom was like, "you could cry at home.”
00:24:55.861 --> 00:24:58.064
I was like, "i wish.”
00:24:58.064 --> 00:24:59.065
[laughter]
00:24:59.065 --> 00:25:01.167
It's not stopping.
00:25:01.167 --> 00:25:02.935
- you can cry at home.
00:25:02.935 --> 00:25:04.303
You're embarrassing us right now.
00:25:04.303 --> 00:25:07.340
- and she's amazing, you know what i mean?
00:25:07.440 --> 00:25:10.109
Like, she's--
00:25:10.109 --> 00:25:11.110
But it's like we all handle it different.
00:25:11.110 --> 00:25:13.813
And so, allowing that gift to come up,
00:25:13.813 --> 00:25:16.649
Allowing for your husband to speak into
00:25:16.649 --> 00:25:18.651
Places that you think he might not have any--
00:25:18.651 --> 00:25:22.288
You know what i mean?
00:25:22.288 --> 00:25:23.623
It's like, does he only get a right to speak into your life
00:25:23.623 --> 00:25:25.791
If he's gone through menopause?
00:25:25.791 --> 00:25:27.293
- oh, that's good.
00:25:27.293 --> 00:25:28.194
- i mean, you know, and it's like
00:25:28.194 --> 00:25:30.696
God's not gonna use that vessel.
00:25:30.696 --> 00:25:32.198
It's only gonna be the woman that has gone through.
00:25:32.198 --> 00:25:33.899
And it's like will i be open to receiving to help, you know--
00:25:33.899 --> 00:25:39.639
- my husband's the one i want to speak into that, you know?
00:25:39.639 --> 00:25:44.043
- he's gonna be the one to have to deal with it.
00:25:44.043 --> 00:25:46.112
- that's right.
00:25:46.112 --> 00:25:47.013
I mean, i had him before i had kids.
00:25:47.013 --> 00:25:49.115
I'm gonna have him after i have--
00:25:49.115 --> 00:25:50.449
You know, when they're gone.
00:25:50.449 --> 00:25:51.350
I love that.
00:25:51.350 --> 00:25:54.286
Even at this point of our lives,
00:25:54.987 --> 00:25:57.356
Managing different situations and stuff.
00:25:57.356 --> 00:26:00.893
So, much of what i want in those times,
00:26:00.893 --> 00:26:05.064
I want to know what my husband thinks about this right now
00:26:05.064 --> 00:26:09.435
Because he leads me in how to think about it.
00:26:09.435 --> 00:26:12.138
So, so many times i sit down and go,
00:26:12.138 --> 00:26:13.706
"okay, i need you to tell me,”
00:26:13.706 --> 00:26:15.441
Because he can keep all that to himself.
00:26:15.441 --> 00:26:18.344
But if i ask him, "what are you thinking right now?
00:26:18.344 --> 00:26:20.546
What are you believing god for?
00:26:20.546 --> 00:26:21.914
Or what do you think about this?
00:26:21.914 --> 00:26:24.083
I need to set my mind on the same page.”
00:26:24.083 --> 00:26:28.821
And that is so important to me to know
00:26:28.821 --> 00:26:32.258
What he thinks about this.
00:26:32.258 --> 00:26:34.660
Because in my brain, that is squirrel all over the place,
00:26:34.660 --> 00:26:40.066
You know, it gives me such a foundation
00:26:40.066 --> 00:26:43.069
To let him set that for me.
00:26:43.069 --> 00:26:45.237
And then, okay, this is where we're going now, you know?
00:26:45.237 --> 00:26:48.140
Okay, then i won't worry about that.
00:26:48.140 --> 00:26:49.975
Because i can worry about it.
00:26:49.975 --> 00:26:51.343
Well, if he's not worried about it,
00:26:51.343 --> 00:26:52.411
Why am i worried about it, you know?
00:26:52.411 --> 00:26:54.613
- i mean, it doesn't always even be worry for me.
00:26:54.613 --> 00:26:58.117
It's like me wanting to make sure i'm clear enough
00:26:58.117 --> 00:27:02.621
So he can have understanding about what i'm going through
00:27:02.621 --> 00:27:06.125
So he can communicate back to me like what i need to hear.
00:27:06.125 --> 00:27:11.230
Not what i want to hear, because sometimes i don't want to hear
00:27:11.230 --> 00:27:14.900
What he has to say at certain moments,
00:27:14.900 --> 00:27:17.136
But what i really need to hear.
00:27:17.136 --> 00:27:19.105
Because, like, if you think about menopause,
00:27:19.105 --> 00:27:21.240
He has no clue of what a hot flash is
00:27:21.240 --> 00:27:24.343
Or you needing assistance for intimacy.
00:27:24.343 --> 00:27:27.747
He has no clue, you know, about that
00:27:27.747 --> 00:27:30.549
And how that makes me feel as a woman.
00:27:30.549 --> 00:27:33.953
But being able to communicate that to him,
00:27:33.953 --> 00:27:36.722
He can help walk me through it like it's okay.
00:27:36.722 --> 00:27:41.093
It's out here.
00:27:41.093 --> 00:27:43.529
- presence, the ministry of presence.
00:27:43.529 --> 00:27:45.164
- you know, yes.
00:27:45.164 --> 00:27:46.632
And so, i think it's very important that we all learn what we're
00:27:46.632 --> 00:27:50.870
Going through so we can communicate it to our spouse, right?
00:27:50.870 --> 00:27:55.040
- there are plenty of practical steps that you can
00:27:56.142 --> 00:27:58.744
Take to really start communicating with your spouse.
00:27:58.744 --> 00:28:02.481
First of all, i think every couple should have family meetings,
00:28:02.481 --> 00:28:06.352
Where you would just pull aside from the busyness of life,
00:28:06.352 --> 00:28:10.322
From the pressures and the chaos of this world,
00:28:10.322 --> 00:28:13.692
And just sit down with your spouse
00:28:13.692 --> 00:28:15.694
And talk about the things that you are experiencing.
00:28:15.694 --> 00:28:19.632
And then, after you come up with a plan of action,
00:28:19.632 --> 00:28:22.802
How about a follow-up meeting to say, "okay, how am i doing?”
00:28:22.802 --> 00:28:26.572
That's a little challenging at times
00:28:26.572 --> 00:28:28.874
Because we all want to put our best foot forward
00:28:28.874 --> 00:28:32.044
And we think the best about our own performance.
00:28:32.044 --> 00:28:35.414
And so, when your husband or your wife comes back and says,
00:28:35.414 --> 00:28:37.783
"hey, you could have done this a little better,”
00:28:37.783 --> 00:28:40.419
Sometimes it can be a little difficult.
00:28:40.419 --> 00:28:42.588
But if you set the guidelines and you set the perimeters of how
00:28:42.588 --> 00:28:47.126
You're going to handle certain things,
00:28:47.126 --> 00:28:49.528
You have to live within the boundaries in which you have set.
00:28:49.528 --> 00:28:53.232
So, now you have to embrace whatever
00:28:53.232 --> 00:28:55.634
It is that your spouse is saying.
00:28:55.634 --> 00:28:57.536
So, have that check-in, have some follow-ups,
00:28:57.536 --> 00:29:00.873
And continue to grow in your marriage.
00:29:00.873 --> 00:29:04.210
- oh, i love the scripture, i can do all things through christ.
00:29:04.310 --> 00:29:08.614
That actually is translated, i can do all
00:29:08.614 --> 00:29:10.516
Seasons through christ who strengthens me.
00:29:10.516 --> 00:29:13.619
I love that.
00:29:13.619 --> 00:29:14.954
Because change is a daily thing, you know,?
00:29:14.954 --> 00:29:18.824
And so many of us now have parents.
00:29:18.824 --> 00:29:22.394
- that is a change that i didn't recognize what
00:29:23.462 --> 00:29:25.664
That would do in talking that out with your spouse.
00:29:25.664 --> 00:29:30.269
It's like how would you want to handle dealing with your parents
00:29:30.269 --> 00:29:36.141
Aging, and then the conversations we're having.
00:29:36.141 --> 00:29:39.011
There's some things that because you're emotionally attached
00:29:39.011 --> 00:29:42.047
To certain things, or what they mean,
00:29:42.047 --> 00:29:43.582
Or how that should be played out,
00:29:43.582 --> 00:29:45.551
There can be some things that you're still--
00:29:45.551 --> 00:29:48.187
I mean, because we all are still working out
00:29:48.187 --> 00:29:50.189
Our stuff from our childhood that wasn't dealt with.
00:29:50.189 --> 00:29:52.892
And so, you're working that out as they are aging
00:29:52.892 --> 00:29:56.495
And they have different needs.
00:29:56.495 --> 00:29:58.297
And what does that look like?
00:29:58.297 --> 00:29:59.398
And because, honestly speaking, that can also
00:29:59.398 --> 00:30:01.700
Have financial implications on households.
00:30:01.700 --> 00:30:04.036
That's time.
00:30:04.036 --> 00:30:05.137
Because i've had to fly a lot to go back
00:30:05.137 --> 00:30:08.674
And see my parents and what that looks like.
00:30:08.674 --> 00:30:10.910
Just watching how we're going to navigate that.
00:30:10.910 --> 00:30:13.746
How can we communicate that?
00:30:13.746 --> 00:30:15.581
One of the things that our therapist helped kenneth to see,
00:30:15.581 --> 00:30:19.318
Which helped me understand--
00:30:19.318 --> 00:30:20.886
He's like, "sometimes she's talking in circles.
00:30:20.886 --> 00:30:23.088
Like, she's already said it once, i got it.
00:30:23.088 --> 00:30:25.724
I'm not dumb.
00:30:25.724 --> 00:30:26.592
Like, why did she go back around?”
00:30:26.592 --> 00:30:27.693
And she said to my husband, "it's
00:30:27.693 --> 00:30:29.762
Because she doesn't feel heard."
00:30:29.762 --> 00:30:31.096
- yeah.
00:30:31.096 --> 00:30:32.398
- so, if you'll pause and say, "i hear that, and validate--
00:30:32.398 --> 00:30:36.235
You know, like, this is--
00:30:36.835 --> 00:30:38.203
You know, so i can understand this is the way you're feeling,
00:30:38.203 --> 00:30:40.773
It'll literally calm her down to feel like she doesn't have
00:30:40.773 --> 00:30:43.676
To keep going back around the mountain,
00:30:43.676 --> 00:30:45.010
Like, you just clearly don't see it.
00:30:45.010 --> 00:30:46.312
I'll just tell it another way.
00:30:46.312 --> 00:30:47.913
You know, and that to me was just really helpful.
00:30:47.913 --> 00:30:51.517
You know, just those tools and normalizing that going
00:30:51.517 --> 00:30:55.854
And getting counseling together, not waiting until it's,
00:30:55.854 --> 00:31:00.125
You know, at critical mass, you know, that you're going, "hey,
00:31:00.125 --> 00:31:03.329
Let's just get some help together as we navigate through
00:31:03.329 --> 00:31:06.665
Transition, as we can learn how to communicate in better ways.”
00:31:06.665 --> 00:31:11.036
There's nothing wrong with that.
00:31:11.036 --> 00:31:12.237
And i think--
00:31:12.237 --> 00:31:13.072
- there's nothing wrong with that.
00:31:13.072 --> 00:31:14.373
- it's not a gift my parents had of that being normalized,
00:31:14.373 --> 00:31:17.476
But it's one i want to give.
00:31:17.476 --> 00:31:19.478
I want my kids to see us navigate conflict and transitions well.
00:31:19.478 --> 00:31:24.683
So, we're trying not to also mask that for them.
00:31:24.683 --> 00:31:27.853
I want you to see it.
00:31:27.853 --> 00:31:29.555
And we're going to--
00:31:29.555 --> 00:31:30.589
You know, and when we make it and miss it
00:31:30.589 --> 00:31:31.991
And being honest with the kids, like, yeah,
00:31:31.991 --> 00:31:33.559
We didn't handle that one really well.
00:31:33.559 --> 00:31:34.893
- you sound like my husband.
00:31:34.893 --> 00:31:36.395
He always say, "i would like to, you know,
00:31:36.395 --> 00:31:38.998
Demonstrate healthy conflict resolution
00:31:38.998 --> 00:31:42.668
In front of people at times.
00:31:42.668 --> 00:31:44.003
Deedee, it's okay for us to just talk about stuff.”
00:31:44.003 --> 00:31:46.772
And for me, because i grew up very embarrassed.
00:31:46.772 --> 00:31:50.809
Like, you know, everything was just an embarrassing moment.
00:31:50.809 --> 00:31:54.613
Like, i would play on the opposite side of the street
00:31:54.613 --> 00:31:56.849
When i was a kid because i didn't know how my parents were gonna
00:31:56.849 --> 00:31:59.451
Be operating or what they were gonna be doing inside the house.
00:31:59.451 --> 00:32:03.155
And so, if he ever comes and act like, you know,
00:32:03.155 --> 00:32:07.426
He wants to handle something, it's like i totally blank out.
00:32:07.426 --> 00:32:12.398
Like, okay, i don't hear a thing you're saying.
00:32:12.398 --> 00:32:15.734
So, it doesn't come across as healthy conflict resolution,
00:32:15.734 --> 00:32:19.872
It comes across like, oh, she took that well.
00:32:19.872 --> 00:32:24.043
That's not what we want to demonstrate here either, so--
00:32:25.244 --> 00:32:28.480
- we've done so much in front of our kids,
00:32:28.480 --> 00:32:30.482
Even growing in our own emotion, giving language to it.
00:32:30.482 --> 00:32:33.619
We have on the back of our pantry door,
00:32:33.619 --> 00:32:36.488
It's the like chart of emotions of like, you know, pick three.
00:32:36.488 --> 00:32:40.492
And three is annoying.
00:32:40.492 --> 00:32:41.560
Like one, you're like, i could find one on there.
00:32:41.560 --> 00:32:43.362
Three is like--
00:32:43.362 --> 00:32:44.663
And everybody's--
00:32:44.663 --> 00:32:46.065
All four of us have had an eye roll by that door.
00:32:46.065 --> 00:32:48.467
But what it has given us language
00:32:48.467 --> 00:32:50.135
For how we could talk it out now so much to where when kenneth
00:32:50.135 --> 00:32:53.639
And i are fighting, or anybody's fighting,
00:32:53.639 --> 00:32:55.674
The other two can feel it.
00:32:55.674 --> 00:32:57.643
And so, the kids will be like, "y'all need to work this out.”
00:32:57.643 --> 00:33:00.546
I mean, we've even had the kids--
00:33:00.546 --> 00:33:01.980
We're on a family trip where kenneth and i were arguing,
00:33:01.980 --> 00:33:05.317
And they're like, "go ahead, say what your--
00:33:05.317 --> 00:33:07.319
Say your three feelings.
00:33:07.319 --> 00:33:08.287
Because you're ruining our trip for us.”
00:33:08.287 --> 00:33:10.823
And we're like, "oh, okay, well, thanks.
00:33:10.823 --> 00:33:12.825
I appreciate that.”
00:33:12.825 --> 00:33:14.693
But because you can create a culture around how to communicate
00:33:14.793 --> 00:33:19.398
And, you know, that it isn't about the perfection of it,
00:33:19.398 --> 00:33:23.335
But the willingness.
00:33:23.335 --> 00:33:24.403
- and the intentionality.
00:33:24.403 --> 00:33:28.040
- communication is so key in marriage,
00:33:28.941 --> 00:33:30.976
And we just don't do it well typically.
00:33:30.976 --> 00:33:34.012
I know very few couples that are able to handle
00:33:34.012 --> 00:33:38.417
Conversations in a way that resolve conflict quickly.
00:33:38.417 --> 00:33:42.154
In fact, it's usually trial and error.
00:33:42.154 --> 00:33:43.755
So, i would say this.
00:33:43.755 --> 00:33:44.957
Number one, if you're going to have a conversation,
00:33:44.957 --> 00:33:47.392
That's a hard conversation.
00:33:47.392 --> 00:33:49.261
Pray first.
00:33:49.261 --> 00:33:50.429
Ask the holy spirit to guide and lead you
00:33:50.429 --> 00:33:52.965
And to calm your heart.
00:33:52.965 --> 00:33:54.233
Also, be in a good state of mind.
00:33:54.233 --> 00:33:56.135
Typically, we don't express ourselves until it's too late.
00:33:56.135 --> 00:33:59.138
And then, what happens?
00:33:59.138 --> 00:34:00.606
We explode.
00:34:00.606 --> 00:34:01.773
Let me encourage you, have the conversation sooner
00:34:01.773 --> 00:34:04.443
So it doesn't begin to bubble up in your heart and spirit
00:34:04.443 --> 00:34:09.047
So that you can actually enter that conversation with a wise
00:34:09.047 --> 00:34:13.085
Mind, with a heart of peace and a heart of openness.
00:34:13.085 --> 00:34:16.955
And lastly, share appreciation.
00:34:16.955 --> 00:34:19.291
Start with i statements, but also
00:34:19.291 --> 00:34:21.093
If you bring a little love into it, say, "hey,
00:34:21.093 --> 00:34:23.228
I really appreciate for how hard you're working
00:34:23.228 --> 00:34:25.364
Or i really appreciate how much you do for me.
00:34:25.364 --> 00:34:27.966
Listen, there's one thing that i'm feeling.”
00:34:28.967 --> 00:34:31.336
And then, express your need, and then end with a compliment.
00:34:31.336 --> 00:34:34.006
Yes, it's a sandwich, but it's a good one,
00:34:34.006 --> 00:34:36.808
And it will do the trick, and it will
00:34:36.808 --> 00:34:38.310
Help you get your needs met a lot faster.
00:34:38.310 --> 00:34:42.047
- join the conversation on our "better together”
00:34:43.115 --> 00:34:45.384
Youtube channel.
00:34:45.384 --> 00:34:46.685
Subscribe today and never miss a new upload.
00:34:46.685 --> 00:34:51.011
Subscribe today and never miss a new upload.
00:34:51.011 --> 00:34:51.690
[music]
00:34:52.024 --> 00:34:56.328
- i want to say that the person that you met
00:34:57.329 --> 00:34:59.965
And married is not the same person that's across from you.
00:34:59.965 --> 00:35:03.068
And that's okay.
00:35:03.068 --> 00:35:04.369
And i think the reality is that it takes work to keep
00:35:04.369 --> 00:35:08.473
Your marriage healthy, that it takes time, it takes investment.
00:35:08.473 --> 00:35:12.678
If you care about it, you spend time,
00:35:12.678 --> 00:35:15.314
You invest quality moments.
00:35:15.314 --> 00:35:17.216
And so, i think once all these other pieces happen,
00:35:17.216 --> 00:35:20.886
You can realize that your attention has been on maybe it's
00:35:20.886 --> 00:35:23.822
Children, or maybe it's certain seasons,
00:35:23.822 --> 00:35:26.024
Or what you both were going after.
00:35:26.024 --> 00:35:27.793
And when those shift out and those changes come,
00:35:27.793 --> 00:35:31.363
You're looking across at another person,
00:35:31.363 --> 00:35:33.198
And you get to look at another opportunity to court,
00:35:33.198 --> 00:35:36.068
To even date into this next season that your marriage has.
00:35:36.068 --> 00:35:40.072
And one of the things that i just love is that that
00:35:40.072 --> 00:35:43.342
Means that we get to continue to get better and better.
00:35:43.342 --> 00:35:46.411
And there's more that i can explore
00:35:46.411 --> 00:35:47.980
And find out about my spouse.
00:35:47.980 --> 00:35:50.716
[music]
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- i think sitting and talking about your kids,
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The things they're going through,
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The changes you see in your kids,
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And just celebrating the good times.
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I think it's very important the older you get
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And just thanking god, you know,
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Where he's brought everybody through and where he's come,
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You know, where we're at now, and just taking time to reflect
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On the goodness of god in your life, i think is so--
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And then, asking for grace.
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You know, saying, "man, i don't know what's happening right now.
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I've got a lot of--”
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You know, i had a lot of issues with my parents this year.
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And my mom has dementia.
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You know, a lot of things just hit me between the eyes.
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Kind of one season, just, well, one month this year was really,
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Just out of the blue, kind of just hit me in the face.
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And i was just a scatterbrain, you know?
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And matt was just there.
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It was just like, whatever you need, you know?
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And he gave me space, he gave me
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Time to deal with it all, you know?
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And it was just whatever we need to do.
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It just calls for grace in life, you know,
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Because the seasons of grieving, those seasons of time--
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I mean, i grieved the night before i had my baby.
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It's not just gonna be the two of us anymore.
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And i bawled like a baby.
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Now, i wasn't sad.
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It was just grieving that time.
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The night before cody comes, i'm crying again.
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It's just not gonna be the three of us,
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It's gonna be four, you know?
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And i was so happy, but i was grieving that season.
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Just those seasons of life.
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I was just a mess, you know?
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And then, i remember them moving next door, my boys.
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And i just, out of my mind, and they're--
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You know, matt was like going, "their heads are 18
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Feet from us in the next, the next house, you know?”
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And i was like, "but it's just the foot out the door, you know?”
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And he's like going, "you can't tell
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Your friends that you do this.”
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[laughter]
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You know, they're dropping their kids off.
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[crosstalk]
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But all that crazy that we experience, you know,
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And just having grace from your husband is such a gift.
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- they have a perspective that if i'll honor it, you know,
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There's something that they're seeing i can't see.
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Because a lot of times, in those,
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I'm spiraling into my own thoughts.
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And it's like, "hey, let me give you some perspective to this.”
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I remember just even, i didn't think that i would
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Stay at home with the kids as long as i did.
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Actually, i adamantly told him when we were dating in high
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School, "i'm not that kind of girl that just stays at home.”
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And he was like, "okay.”
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And so, then i ended up--
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For us, that's the way it worked out.
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And i wanted to, and we were able to,
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And it worked that way for us.
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But i remember struggling with the dreams
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And the things that god had put in my heart
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That were left incomplete.
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And i was like, "kenneth, i'm going to go out.
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I'm going to literally be starting my career in my 40s.”
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I was like starting, like here, like i'm down here.
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And, you know, me and those that just got out of college--
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He just spoke these words about what that would look like.
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And he was like, "you feel like you're here,
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But really, you're entering in here.”
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And, you know, was speaking to something that i could not see,
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And i couldn't transition.
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You know, it was just a change in my expectations,
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And what i had thought, and what the season would look like.
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And probably, in the midst of it was navigating my kids getting
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Older and them not needing me as much,
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Or as much as i could see, you know,
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In the very physical things of packing lunches
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And things like that.
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And so, it was just interesting,
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His perspective on it that could be such a blessing
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If i would allow it.
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- i think what's so important is to continually
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Be working on yourself.
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Not to be narcissistic, but as women,
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We have to lead our own self-care.
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We have to be leaders of our own, i think, mental health.
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And so, as my kids are both married,
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We have grandkids on the way, we have one grandson we just love.
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It's the best ever.
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But i have to stay rooted in the word every day.
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There are foods i just can't eat anymore.
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I just can't.
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I can't eat because it's not good for me,
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I gain weight, or it makes me anxious.
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I have to think about when am i gonna have this coffee?
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What time of the day?
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These kinds of things help me process transitions differently.
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And if i am not taking care of myself holistically,
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I am not going to be up for the next challenge.
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And what have we learned about being at this stage
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In our lives is that the only thing we can count on is change.
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Change is always happening.
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So, how resilient are we?
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And so, as we focus on change, i know
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I can't control how my husband reacts.
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Well, he always reacts pretty much great.
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He's just so, so stable.
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But i have learned to kind of level up.
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Level up in my maturity and my ability to--
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And he's rubbing off on me.
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I guess i've learned and listened, and i kind of like it.
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I like his way.
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And until the next thing comes, but you gear up for it, right?
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So, god's so faithful, and being
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Rooted in him is absolutely key.
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- i love it.
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- i believe that your spouse really should get
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The overflow of your relationship with the father.
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I think so often, we misdirect our focus and our attention,
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And we put it so much on our spouse that we forget the father.
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Why would you want to do life based upon your own standards,
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Based upon your own principles, when god has already laid
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It out what a marriage should be and how it should look?
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So, if you want to keep the connection,
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If you want to keep the intimacy alive in your marriage,
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How about being intimate with the father,
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Spending quality time in his presence,
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And hearing him tell you exactly
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How you should handle your spouse?
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- no one really would want to change if they didn't have to.
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If they didn't have to.
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Because, i mean, typically, we are creatures of habit.
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We like to--
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If it works, like, let it keep working.
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If it's not broke, don't fix it, you know?
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It's like, just leave it like this.
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But in order to have growth, in order to have better,
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You have to be willing, you know,
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To shift and make the change, and it's okay.
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And so, i think if we would embrace it as something positive,
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Opposed to looking or going into it
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As something negative from the start--
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- hope-filled.
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- yeah.
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- can we be excited?
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- yes, can we be excited?
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- can it be an adventure?
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- right.
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No, that's good, because when i think about menopause,
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I never thought of it as an adventure.
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It was like--
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Because i never knew what to expect.
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- because no one taught you.
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Where were the mentors?
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- yeah, all i remember is my mom taking off her shirt
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Because she was hot.
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You know, i mean, that's the only picture i had.
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I'm thinking, okay, that's it.
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I never knew anything else about it.
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No one ever talked about it.
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And so, i mean, of course, by the time i got ready to go through
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It, i had information and understood a lot of things,
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And it didn't affect me so bad or as bad as some,
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But still to be able to go into it like, hey,
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Let's see what this is gonna bring,
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I didn't have that kind of attitude.
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But what would it mean for everyone to go
00:43:18.029 --> 00:43:22.133
Into change with that type of attitude?
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What would it facilitate in our lives later down the road?
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Because my parents, they lived with me for like 18 years.
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My father transitioned in january.
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And it was just a big thing.
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Now, my mom lives with my sister,
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But she, like, across the field.
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Like, we could walk to each other's house.
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And that's only because i travel a lot and she retired.
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That transition was real for me.
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I mean, because, you know, no one ever expects
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To take care of their parents growing up.
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Like, when my kids were little, you know,
00:43:56.568 --> 00:43:58.937
They didn't look at me like, "one
00:43:58.937 --> 00:44:00.038
Day i'm gonna take care of you.”
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You know, that's just not our thoughts, right?
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And when they came to live with us, it was a beautiful thing,
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Because they both were very healthy at the time,
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And we got to travel and experience so many different things,
00:44:10.749 --> 00:44:14.853
You know, together.
00:44:14.853 --> 00:44:15.887
But it still was a transition for mike and i
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Because there were times where we couldn't just decide,
00:44:18.923 --> 00:44:21.760
We were just gonna go and leave and leave them at home.
00:44:21.760 --> 00:44:25.063
Who's gonna feed them?
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Like, what are we doing here?
00:44:26.798 --> 00:44:27.999
We gotta think about stuff.
00:44:27.999 --> 00:44:29.734
And so, all of that, it really puts a demand on you
00:44:29.734 --> 00:44:33.638
Being intentional about your connection with your spouse.
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It's like, if we're gonna work at something,
00:44:37.742 --> 00:44:40.545
Work hard at maintaining that connection.
00:44:40.545 --> 00:44:43.782
- so, many times couples go through difficult stuff.
00:44:44.883 --> 00:44:48.253
For some reason, matt and i have this thing that
00:44:48.253 --> 00:44:51.422
When we face hardship of some sort,
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We come together because that's the only way we're
00:44:54.292 --> 00:44:57.595
Going to make it through some stuff is together.
00:44:57.595 --> 00:44:59.464
We can't be off in our own worlds
00:44:59.464 --> 00:45:02.300
And just build this wall in between us.
00:45:02.300 --> 00:45:04.569
When the hard stuff comes, i encourage
00:45:04.569 --> 00:45:06.704
You to draw near to each other.
00:45:06.704 --> 00:45:09.674
That doesn't even have to be with words.
00:45:09.674 --> 00:45:11.910
That can be hanging onto each other.
00:45:11.910 --> 00:45:14.245
That can be holding each other.
00:45:14.245 --> 00:45:16.281
That can be--
00:45:16.281 --> 00:45:17.515
You know, you can say a lot of words,
00:45:17.515 --> 00:45:19.184
But communication is through your heart,
00:45:19.184 --> 00:45:21.853
And the way you feel, and the way you make your spouse feel.
00:45:21.853 --> 00:45:25.390
And i am telling you that can change something that can be super
00:45:25.390 --> 00:45:29.394
Stressful or something that's out of control come into alignment
00:45:29.394 --> 00:45:35.033
So well is to embrace, to hold, don't even speak,
00:45:35.033 --> 00:45:40.572
And then you can pray.
00:45:41.139 --> 00:45:43.708
Pray about it.
00:45:43.708 --> 00:45:44.909
Say, "god, we just give this situation to you.”
00:45:44.909 --> 00:45:47.912
Get on the same page.
00:45:47.912 --> 00:45:49.247
And a lot of times, you might disagree about things,
00:45:49.247 --> 00:45:53.551
But when it comes to big stuff, big life-changing stuff,
00:45:53.551 --> 00:45:57.655
That togetherness and that oneness,
00:45:57.655 --> 00:46:00.458
There is a mighty power in that.
00:46:00.458 --> 00:46:02.861
And so, i encourage you to find that in your marriage to where,
00:46:02.861 --> 00:46:06.564
You know what?
00:46:06.564 --> 00:46:07.599
This is not you and me against each other.
00:46:07.599 --> 00:46:09.767
We are on the same team.
00:46:09.767 --> 00:46:11.302
We have something ahead that we're going to have to face.
00:46:11.302 --> 00:46:13.738
We have to do this together.
00:46:13.738 --> 00:46:15.573
And god is with you.
00:46:15.573 --> 00:46:17.175
God is for you.
00:46:17.175 --> 00:46:18.776
God is cheering you on from heaven.
00:46:18.776 --> 00:46:22.714
The holy spirit is on the inside of you.
00:46:23.648 --> 00:46:26.651
Grab ahold of that gift of the holy spirit.
00:46:26.651 --> 00:46:29.754
Grab ahold of that grace and that tenacity of we can face this,
00:46:29.754 --> 00:46:34.192
And we're going to shine after this.
00:46:34.192 --> 00:46:36.527
- we've got to be growing.
00:46:37.161 --> 00:46:38.963
And listen, in an upgrading culture,
00:46:38.963 --> 00:46:40.798
Every phone, we're upgrading all the time.
00:46:40.798 --> 00:46:42.634
We don't want to upgrade our spouses, right?
00:46:42.634 --> 00:46:44.869
We want to stay married.
00:46:44.869 --> 00:46:46.170
So, let's upgrade ourselves.
00:46:46.170 --> 00:46:47.238
- i would like to have a button sometime to push
00:46:47.238 --> 00:46:49.507
And say upgrade.
00:46:49.507 --> 00:46:50.575
Let's see how you'll be tomorrow.
00:46:50.575 --> 00:46:52.377
- exactly.
00:46:52.377 --> 00:46:53.378
I've got to keep it going and keep preparing
00:46:53.378 --> 00:46:56.581
And being hope-filled.
00:46:56.581 --> 00:46:57.649
- but i love what you were saying about looking
00:46:57.649 --> 00:46:59.851
To every transition as potentially an adventure.
00:46:59.851 --> 00:47:03.588
When my mother-in-law, eleanor, died, my father-in-law was 79,
00:47:03.588 --> 00:47:06.324
And it was really clear to me that he couldn't live by himself.
00:47:06.324 --> 00:47:10.962
And so, we invited him, and so he moved in
00:47:10.962 --> 00:47:13.431
And lived with us for three years.
00:47:13.431 --> 00:47:15.166
And i have to say, it was three of the best years.
00:47:15.166 --> 00:47:17.669
It was so wonderful for our son to have his papa living with him
00:47:17.669 --> 00:47:20.872
Because he let him do things we would never let him do.
00:47:20.872 --> 00:47:23.041
I mean, it was perfect.
00:47:23.041 --> 00:47:24.075
And i learned a lot.
00:47:24.075 --> 00:47:25.143
It was like a feeling of almost having a father
00:47:25.143 --> 00:47:27.145
Because i didn't grow up with a dad,
00:47:27.145 --> 00:47:29.180
That i just think when the lord's with you in the middle
00:47:29.180 --> 00:47:31.616
Of these transitions, it can be an adventure.
00:47:31.616 --> 00:47:34.085
It can be a gift.
00:47:34.085 --> 00:47:35.353
- and i love that god never changes.
00:47:35.353 --> 00:47:37.322
- yeah, i know.
00:47:37.322 --> 00:47:38.256
- same yesterday, today, and forever.
00:47:38.256 --> 00:47:40.992
Always with us.
00:47:40.992 --> 00:47:41.793
- that's so stabilizing.
00:47:41.793 --> 00:47:42.961
- that is stabilizing.
00:47:42.961 --> 00:47:44.729
And we're created in his image and in his likeness.
00:47:44.729 --> 00:47:47.665
So, if he never changes, why do we?
00:47:47.665 --> 00:47:51.135
And i believe a lot of what we change
00:47:51.135 --> 00:47:55.340
In certain moments are things we don't have to.
00:47:55.340 --> 00:47:58.076
Like, our temperament, our attitude can always stay positive.
00:47:58.076 --> 00:48:01.713
Why does it have to change because
00:48:01.713 --> 00:48:03.848
You're going through a transition?
00:48:03.848 --> 00:48:05.917
Sometimes we use things as an excuse.
00:48:05.917 --> 00:48:08.886
Well, you know i'm hot right now, so i want to be hot-headed.
00:48:08.886 --> 00:48:12.890
No, no, you don't have to change that.
00:48:12.890 --> 00:48:15.393
Go through what you're going through in your body,
00:48:15.393 --> 00:48:17.295
But maintain some civility in how you handle situations.
00:48:17.295 --> 00:48:21.566
Don't put, you know, an excuse on your bad behavior
00:48:21.566 --> 00:48:26.037
Because change is happening.
00:48:26.037 --> 00:48:28.072
- level up.
00:48:28.072 --> 00:48:30.575
I like that.
00:48:29.240 --> 00:48:31.175
Level up.
00:48:31.175 --> 00:48:32.710
- one of the greatest gifts that we have as
00:48:33.711 --> 00:48:35.646
Believers is knowing that god doesn't change.
00:48:35.646 --> 00:48:39.350
He is the same yesterday, he's the same today,
00:48:39.350 --> 00:48:42.086
And he will be the same for you tomorrow.
00:48:42.086 --> 00:48:44.722
And when you think about there's so much in life that shifts,
00:48:44.722 --> 00:48:47.792
It seems like we're living in a time at the moment
00:48:47.792 --> 00:48:49.560
Where our whole world is shifting.
00:48:49.560 --> 00:48:51.896
But the thing that helps me and keeps me really
00:48:51.896 --> 00:48:54.632
Anchored is knowing that god does not change.
00:48:54.632 --> 00:48:57.802
He is still on the throne.
00:48:57.802 --> 00:48:59.437
He is still good.
00:48:59.437 --> 00:49:00.705
He still loves you.
00:49:00.705 --> 00:49:01.973
He still knows your name.
00:49:01.973 --> 00:49:03.374
He's still watching over you.
00:49:03.374 --> 00:49:05.309
- let's pray.
00:49:05.743 --> 00:49:06.978
Father, in the name of jesus, we thank you
00:49:06.978 --> 00:49:09.047
For remaining the same.
00:49:09.047 --> 00:49:10.648
We thank you for who you are.
00:49:10.648 --> 00:49:13.184
Thank you for loving us.
00:49:13.184 --> 00:49:14.685
Thank you for giving us tools and principles that we can apply
00:49:14.685 --> 00:49:18.923
In our relationships that will help us
00:49:18.923 --> 00:49:21.692
To be consistent like you are consistent.
00:49:21.692 --> 00:49:24.328
You say that you are a god that changeth not.
00:49:24.328 --> 00:49:28.132
Father, i pray now for the wisdom of you being released into
00:49:28.132 --> 00:49:33.805
Their homes, those that are viewing, father,
00:49:33.805 --> 00:49:36.407
That they will seek you first in all that they go through
00:49:36.407 --> 00:49:39.744
And every transition and every challenge, father,
00:49:39.744 --> 00:49:43.714
That you will be able to direct their path.
00:49:43.714 --> 00:49:46.851
We call their marriages blessed, prosperous, on top.
00:49:46.851 --> 00:49:51.089
In jesus' name we pray.
00:49:51.089 --> 00:49:53.291
Amen.
00:49:53.291 --> 00:49:54.425
- amen.
00:49:54.425 --> 00:49:56.294
- connect with us on social media
00:49:57.095 --> 00:49:58.629
And let us know how our team can pray for you.
00:49:58.629 --> 00:50:01.432
[music]
00:50:01.766 --> 00:50:06.204
- when i think of what the best advice that i've ever received
00:50:07.505 --> 00:50:10.475
That helped me through difficult seasons in marriage,
00:50:10.475 --> 00:50:13.811
I'm thinking of something that my seminary
00:50:13.811 --> 00:50:16.314
Professor said to me years and years ago.
00:50:16.314 --> 00:50:18.983
And it was not actually to do with marriage.
00:50:18.983 --> 00:50:20.751
It just was to do with a work situation
00:50:20.751 --> 00:50:22.587
That was very challenging.
00:50:22.587 --> 00:50:24.122
And he said, "you need to remember, sheila,
00:50:24.122 --> 00:50:25.823
That god is with you as much in the days
00:50:25.823 --> 00:50:28.392
When the doors are closed as the days
00:50:28.392 --> 00:50:30.361
When the doors are thrown open.”
00:50:30.361 --> 00:50:32.029
And i think that's one of the things i love most about the lord.
00:50:32.029 --> 00:50:34.632
Whatever you are going through right now,
00:50:34.632 --> 00:50:37.535
God promises his presence.
00:50:37.535 --> 00:50:40.271
- watch "better together” on the go.
00:50:41.205 --> 00:50:42.740
Download the free tbn+ app to stream
00:50:42.740 --> 00:50:45.843
All of your favorite conversations.
00:50:45.843 --> 00:50:47.478
[music]
00:50:47.478 --> 00:50:47.478

When Couples Face Life's Changes | Better Together Episode 1144

February 12, 2026 | S8 E1144 | 50:59

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