Better Together

When Family Needs Tough Love - Episode 1080

July 18, 2025 | S7 E1080 | 52:34

Sheila Walsh, Naomi Raine, Nicole Binion, Kirsten Watson, and Elyse Mahan answer the hard questions to help families navigate difficult moments and grow stronger amid life's challenges.

#Family #Challenges #Honesty #Faith #Love #Christianity #Wisdom #Healing #Parenting #Counsel #Unity #Rebellion #Boundaries #TrustGod

Closed captions

Show Timecode

Better Together | When Family Needs Tough Love - Episode 1080 | July 18, 2025

Laurie crouch: today we're answering your questions about
00:00:00.657 --> 00:00:02.659
Family from raising teens to in-laws.
00:00:02.792 --> 00:00:03.460
Family dynamics often require tough love.
00:00:05.462 --> 00:00:08.131
Come on, let's talk about it.
00:00:08.131 --> 00:00:10.300
♪♪♪
00:00:10.300 --> 00:00:37.794
Sheila walsh: so i thought it'd be fun today if we decided
00:00:20.310 --> 00:00:40.163
To answer some of our viewers' questions.
00:00:40.163 --> 00:00:43.366
A lot of questions come in and we love that.
00:00:43.366 --> 00:00:45.869
That's what it is to be part of this community.
00:00:45.869 --> 00:00:48.304
We're gonna talk about some of the hard things in relationships
00:00:48.304 --> 00:00:50.573
Like what do you do if you have a rebellious teenager?
00:00:50.573 --> 00:00:53.376
How do you handle if you've got mother-in-law or father-in-law
00:00:53.376 --> 00:00:56.713
Issues or you know relational issues?
00:00:56.713 --> 00:00:59.115
So i thought we would just answer some of our viewers'
00:00:59.115 --> 00:01:01.851
Questions and share what we've got.
00:01:01.851 --> 00:01:04.053
Okay, so one viewer, we don't have her name, but she says,
00:01:04.053 --> 00:01:06.890
"how can i break through a stubborn teen who doesn't want
00:01:06.890 --> 00:01:10.493
To attend any church service during the week because he feels
00:01:10.493 --> 00:01:13.963
That going on sunday is enough?"
00:01:13.963 --> 00:01:16.099
First of all, well done for getting 'em there on sunday.
00:01:16.099 --> 00:01:19.936
Elyse mahan: yes, give yourself a win for that.
00:01:19.936 --> 00:01:22.906
Sheila: what would you say to that?
00:01:22.906 --> 00:01:24.374
Naomi raine: you know, sheila, i have questions because.
00:01:24.374 --> 00:01:29.646
Elyse: naomi has follow up questions to your question.
00:01:29.646 --> 00:01:31.014
Naomi: i have questions to this anonymous viewer.
00:01:31.014 --> 00:01:33.416
Well, i think it depends on the age of the teenager because to
00:01:33.416 --> 00:01:37.153
Me, anything like 15 and under, maybe 16 and under.
00:01:37.153 --> 00:01:43.359
I'm very grateful that you have an opinion about what you would
00:01:43.359 --> 00:01:46.696
Like to do and not like to do.
00:01:46.696 --> 00:01:48.364
Sheila: however.
00:01:48.364 --> 00:01:49.699
Naomi: yes, yeah, no, you're going to do what we're asking
00:01:49.699 --> 00:01:51.834
You to do and that's just a part of submission.
00:01:51.834 --> 00:01:53.736
That's a part of family and that, you know, that's just
00:01:53.736 --> 00:01:57.273
Discipline, right?
00:01:57.273 --> 00:01:58.608
And then we'll deal with what doesn't happen, right,
00:01:58.608 --> 00:02:01.544
As it comes.
00:02:01.544 --> 00:02:02.879
I think once they start getting like 16 to 19, you're an adult
00:02:02.879 --> 00:02:07.083
And you can do what you want.
00:02:07.083 --> 00:02:08.885
I would let them know why it's important to live a life in
00:02:08.885 --> 00:02:12.455
A community of faith.
00:02:12.455 --> 00:02:13.823
That this is not just a one day thing and i would show them,
00:02:13.823 --> 00:02:17.260
I would bring them to the book of acts where the church had
00:02:17.260 --> 00:02:20.129
Everything in common and that this was god's original design.
00:02:20.129 --> 00:02:23.366
I would probably get into pushing into, "hey, what do you
00:02:23.366 --> 00:02:26.336
Really believe about the things of god?
00:02:26.336 --> 00:02:28.438
Are you saved?"
00:02:28.438 --> 00:02:29.939
'cause sometimes our kids can be going to church, but they're not
00:02:29.939 --> 00:02:32.842
Actually in an active relationship with the lord.
00:02:32.842 --> 00:02:35.278
And if my child was not saved yet, i would not push them past
00:02:35.278 --> 00:02:39.315
Sunday because now i'm praying that the holy spirit would, you
00:02:39.315 --> 00:02:43.820
Know, take them and reveal who he is to them and that they
00:02:43.820 --> 00:02:48.157
Might come to the lord on their own.
00:02:48.157 --> 00:02:50.393
I lived in church.
00:02:50.393 --> 00:02:51.761
I feel like i was born on a pew and i grew up
00:02:51.761 --> 00:02:53.563
In rehearsal, right?
00:02:53.563 --> 00:02:54.897
My parents were singers, my parents are pastors now.
00:02:54.897 --> 00:02:56.666
Like, that was just my life and i didn't really have a choice,
00:02:56.666 --> 00:02:59.869
But it really did inform certain things.
00:02:59.869 --> 00:03:01.437
But there were moments my parents did not make us
00:03:01.437 --> 00:03:03.706
Do things.
00:03:03.706 --> 00:03:05.041
They didn't force god down our throats, even though they kept
00:03:05.041 --> 00:03:07.010
Us there all the time.
00:03:07.010 --> 00:03:08.378
But when i had a moment with the lord.
00:03:08.378 --> 00:03:10.346
It was a true moment where i had a real revelation.
00:03:10.346 --> 00:03:13.216
And so i think we have to leave room for the holy spirit to
00:03:13.216 --> 00:03:16.452
Really reveal who he is to our children.
00:03:16.452 --> 00:03:18.821
Ooh, there was this viral video of a young lady.
00:03:18.821 --> 00:03:21.658
She was saying, "nobody told me that jesus died for my sins.
00:03:21.658 --> 00:03:26.095
Nobody told me i didn't have to work for salvation.
00:03:26.095 --> 00:03:28.564
Nobody told me."
00:03:28.564 --> 00:03:29.932
And she was just saying.
00:03:29.932 --> 00:03:31.267
She was like, "who knew?
00:03:31.267 --> 00:03:32.635
Did you know?"
00:03:32.635 --> 00:03:33.970
And now the lord is using her to bless many people and pull them
00:03:33.970 --> 00:03:36.873
Out of the deception that people live in 'cause they don't know
00:03:36.873 --> 00:03:39.042
The truth of christ.
00:03:39.042 --> 00:03:40.376
But she is a grown person that is sad because she feels like
00:03:40.376 --> 00:03:44.147
She didn't know it.
00:03:44.147 --> 00:03:45.481
She was just in something blindly.
00:03:45.481 --> 00:03:47.216
And i would rather my children come to know who he is at the
00:03:47.216 --> 00:03:52.221
Revelation of christ rather than thinking that they're in
00:03:52.221 --> 00:03:54.557
Something that they're not really in.
00:03:54.557 --> 00:03:57.794
Sheila: i think it's very important for teenagers in
00:03:57.794 --> 00:04:00.430
Particular to own their own faith as opposed to just saying,
00:04:00.430 --> 00:04:04.067
"well, i go to church because my mom goes to church.
00:04:04.067 --> 00:04:06.869
You know, i go to the bible study because my mom makes me go
00:04:06.869 --> 00:04:08.905
To the bible study.
00:04:08.905 --> 00:04:10.239
And once i'm off in college, then i'll be free and i don't
00:04:10.239 --> 00:04:12.075
Have to do any of that stuff."
00:04:12.075 --> 00:04:13.776
I would really have some honest conversations with
00:04:13.776 --> 00:04:16.913
Your teenager.
00:04:16.913 --> 00:04:18.281
Like, one of the things we would do sometimes with christian, i
00:04:18.281 --> 00:04:20.683
Remember a night when we had 11 boys in our house.
00:04:20.683 --> 00:04:23.820
We asked them all to bring their sleeping bags and they all came
00:04:23.820 --> 00:04:28.191
To spend the night and we sat up for a good part of the night
00:04:28.191 --> 00:04:31.561
Just listening to them and answering questions and talking
00:04:31.561 --> 00:04:35.865
To them about faith and talking to them about, you know, what
00:04:35.865 --> 00:04:38.835
Does prayer mean to them?
00:04:38.835 --> 00:04:40.169
What does this mean to them?
00:04:40.169 --> 00:04:41.537
What would you do if you find yourself in that
00:04:41.537 --> 00:04:42.872
Kind of situation.
00:04:42.872 --> 00:04:44.240
That it's never too early to talk to your kids about the
00:04:44.240 --> 00:04:48.911
Things that matter in life and to let them know.
00:04:48.911 --> 00:04:51.948
I remember when my mom kicked me out of the nest and said, "you
00:04:51.948 --> 00:04:54.650
Need to know the same god who watched over you when you were
00:04:54.650 --> 00:04:57.587
Under my roof is the same god who will be with you wherever
00:04:57.587 --> 00:05:00.990
You go."
00:05:00.990 --> 00:05:02.325
That there's a lot of people, a lot of influences out there
00:05:02.325 --> 00:05:06.062
Vying for our kids' attention, but who you have on your side is
00:05:06.062 --> 00:05:11.000
The god of the universe who loves your teenager even more
00:05:11.000 --> 00:05:14.237
Than you do.
00:05:14.237 --> 00:05:15.571
But invite conversation in your home.
00:05:15.571 --> 00:05:18.074
Keep it real, keep it transparent, and if you blow it,
00:05:18.074 --> 00:05:20.710
Say, "you know what?
00:05:20.710 --> 00:05:22.044
I blew it."
00:05:22.044 --> 00:05:23.546
Sheila: something else that we did when christian was
00:05:23.546 --> 00:05:27.283
A teenager 'cause he's a very--he's been a very easy
00:05:27.283 --> 00:05:30.686
Child to raise.
00:05:30.686 --> 00:05:32.021
He's just not the kind of person that's always rebellious
00:05:32.021 --> 00:05:34.123
Or stubborn.
00:05:34.123 --> 00:05:35.491
But one sunday when i woke him up and i was like, it's time to
00:05:35.491 --> 00:05:39.429
Get ready, and this is really more to a sunday than
00:05:39.429 --> 00:05:41.864
A wednesday night.
00:05:41.864 --> 00:05:43.199
But he said, oh, "okay, i'm coming."
00:05:43.199 --> 00:05:45.935
And i'm like, well, what's going on?
00:05:45.935 --> 00:05:47.804
And he said, "mom, it's so boring."
00:05:47.804 --> 00:05:50.239
And so i didn't let him know, but i went into his class
00:05:50.239 --> 00:05:54.377
That morning.
00:05:54.377 --> 00:05:55.745
I left barry in church and i sat at the back of his class.
00:05:55.745 --> 00:05:57.780
And at the end of it i said, "you know what?
00:05:57.780 --> 00:05:59.248
You're right, that was a total yawn."
00:05:59.248 --> 00:06:01.717
So we're gonna find a place.
00:06:01.717 --> 00:06:03.219
We're gonna find a different place.
00:06:03.219 --> 00:06:04.654
And i'm not recommending that for everybody, but it was just
00:06:04.654 --> 00:06:06.923
Right for us, you know.
00:06:06.923 --> 00:06:08.591
And then when we tried one or two other places, 'cause i'm
00:06:08.591 --> 00:06:11.994
Thinking i can listen to sermons online.
00:06:11.994 --> 00:06:14.330
I can listen to all sorts of stuff.
00:06:14.330 --> 00:06:15.731
I want him to be in a place where he's excited to go.
00:06:15.731 --> 00:06:18.901
And this third church that we went into, the guy who was the
00:06:18.901 --> 00:06:21.904
Youth leader for the wednesday night was phenomenal and
00:06:21.904 --> 00:06:24.474
Christian was like, i'm home.
00:06:24.474 --> 00:06:27.343
So sometimes, you know, check out, find out why they feel that
00:06:27.343 --> 00:06:30.713
Way, why they don't think it's necessary that maybe they're
00:06:30.713 --> 00:06:34.217
Just not being engaged in any way that makes sense.
00:06:34.217 --> 00:06:38.321
Kirsten watson: i was going to say, "what would you like to do
00:06:38.321 --> 00:06:40.056
Instead on a wednesday that relates to the lord or about
00:06:40.056 --> 00:06:42.925
His kingdom?"
00:06:42.925 --> 00:06:44.260
And so i think giving our kids the platform to say, i wouldn't
00:06:44.260 --> 00:06:46.229
Want to do that because it's boring or because i don't feel
00:06:46.229 --> 00:06:48.431
Like i understand it or whatever.
00:06:48.431 --> 00:06:50.433
Instead, could i invite, "what else could we do?
00:06:50.433 --> 00:06:52.935
What else could we do?
00:06:52.935 --> 00:06:56.405
Would you like to have a study here and we could leave that and
00:06:54.704 --> 00:06:59.675
You can pick the study and we can watch a video and have a
00:06:59.675 --> 00:07:01.911
Talk about it and invite your friends."
00:07:01.911 --> 00:07:04.413
I just think there's so many other things that we can do that
00:07:04.413 --> 00:07:06.249
Involves community, that involves the kingdom, that
00:07:06.249 --> 00:07:08.718
Involves learning the word of god.
00:07:08.718 --> 00:07:10.586
Maybe they feel like an outsider.
00:07:10.586 --> 00:07:11.954
They don't have friends there.
00:07:11.954 --> 00:07:13.289
It's like there's so many other questions that we can ask that
00:07:13.289 --> 00:07:15.157
Gets our kids excited about it and it just may not be at church
00:07:15.157 --> 00:07:19.795
On wednesday.
00:07:19.795 --> 00:07:21.163
And that's okay.
00:07:21.163 --> 00:07:22.498
But giving them say, "well, what else would you like to do?"
00:07:22.498 --> 00:07:24.333
Sheila: that's actually huge.
00:07:24.333 --> 00:07:26.269
Nicole binion: that's so great.
00:07:26.269 --> 00:07:27.637
Sheila: that's a great question to write.
00:07:27.637 --> 00:07:28.971
And what else would you like to do?
00:07:28.971 --> 00:07:30.339
Elyse: 'cause it might not be like maybe sunday, and again, i
00:07:30.339 --> 00:07:32.608
Have questions, 'cause like if the sunday format is the same as
00:07:32.608 --> 00:07:35.411
The wednesday format, like we have a youth ministry that meets
00:07:35.411 --> 00:07:38.080
On wednesday nights.
00:07:38.080 --> 00:07:39.415
So, and it's obviously very tailored to students and
00:07:39.415 --> 00:07:42.318
Teenagers and that's super helpful.
00:07:42.318 --> 00:07:44.487
And i grew up in that where on a friday night we had youth and so
00:07:44.487 --> 00:07:47.890
If a wednesday night is an adult service again, it might actually
00:07:47.890 --> 00:07:51.494
Not be meeting the needs of the child because they do that
00:07:51.494 --> 00:07:54.297
On sunday.
00:07:54.297 --> 00:07:55.631
And so there is so much benefit to finding a place that they can
00:07:55.631 --> 00:07:59.502
Be in with like-minded, like aged people that can speak
00:07:59.502 --> 00:08:03.573
The gospel.
00:08:03.573 --> 00:08:04.941
Like, it would be crazy if i bought my five and seven year
00:08:04.941 --> 00:08:07.376
Old into church every single weekend and expected them
00:08:07.376 --> 00:08:11.347
Without any conversation to understand the languages that
00:08:11.347 --> 00:08:13.783
We're talking about 'cause they're five and seven.
00:08:13.783 --> 00:08:15.785
That's why i'm so grateful for our kids' ministry because they
00:08:15.785 --> 00:08:18.821
Do the exact same curriculum that we actually do on a sunday
00:08:18.821 --> 00:08:21.390
In kids' language.
00:08:21.390 --> 00:08:23.092
And so if we're speaking their language and the other thing i
00:08:23.092 --> 00:08:26.996
Thought of is i have a very vivid memory of being
00:08:26.996 --> 00:08:29.098
16-years-old and my mum letting me do a sport for a season as
00:08:29.098 --> 00:08:32.835
A pastor's kid.
00:08:32.835 --> 00:08:34.203
It was a write-off.
00:08:34.203 --> 00:08:35.538
Like, there was never gonna be sports and i just decided i
00:08:35.538 --> 00:08:37.139
Was gonna be an athlete and didn't know that my body was
00:08:37.139 --> 00:08:39.709
Like, no, we're not, that's not.
00:08:39.709 --> 00:08:41.944
I don't know that that's in our future.
00:08:41.944 --> 00:08:44.113
You're gonna be in theater.
00:08:44.113 --> 00:08:45.448
And i was like, oh that makes more sense.
00:08:45.448 --> 00:08:46.782
She has a lot of emotions.
00:08:46.782 --> 00:08:48.150
And so for a second i was like, i am, i'm gonna play netball,
00:08:48.150 --> 00:08:51.487
Which is a very big sport in australia--
00:08:51.487 --> 00:08:54.190
Sheila: oh gosh.
00:08:54.190 --> 00:08:55.524
She was in scotland too.
00:08:55.524 --> 00:08:56.892
Elyse: instead of--it's like basketball, but instead of
00:08:56.892 --> 00:08:58.227
Dribbling the ball, you just hold it until you're ready
00:08:58.227 --> 00:08:59.595
To throw it.
00:08:59.595 --> 00:09:00.930
It's much more calm.
00:09:00.930 --> 00:09:02.264
Again, hand-eye coordination wasn't there, so it ended up
00:09:02.264 --> 00:09:03.633
Hitting me in the face and i never got any goal things.
00:09:03.633 --> 00:09:05.801
See, sports.
00:09:05.801 --> 00:09:07.169
Anyways, the point is, is that on a sunday, mum was like, all
00:09:07.169 --> 00:09:09.972
Right, you can go to this tournament and do this
00:09:09.972 --> 00:09:11.474
Tournament, but we'll have church that night.
00:09:11.474 --> 00:09:13.743
So you can miss the morning services, but you'll be at the
00:09:13.743 --> 00:09:15.444
5 p.m.
00:09:15.444 --> 00:09:16.812
And i was like, no worries, mum, pumped.
00:09:16.812 --> 00:09:18.147
Like, i'm an olympian.
00:09:18.147 --> 00:09:19.515
So we play six games at this tournament.
00:09:19.515 --> 00:09:21.317
I'm exhausted.
00:09:21.317 --> 00:09:23.486
And my mum was like, well, i told you, i gave you this and
00:09:23.486 --> 00:09:26.522
You're coming to church.
00:09:26.522 --> 00:09:27.857
And i was like, i'm exhausted.
00:09:27.857 --> 00:09:29.525
And it's funny thinking back that i did the exact thing that
00:09:29.525 --> 00:09:32.495
I laugh at my kids for doing now, which is like, when i tell
00:09:32.495 --> 00:09:35.498
You we're doing something, you think that throwing a tantrum's
00:09:35.498 --> 00:09:37.600
Gonna make us not do it?
00:09:37.600 --> 00:09:38.934
That's just gonna get you in your room in time out.
00:09:38.934 --> 00:09:40.936
But i really thought if i throw a tantrum big enough, then she
00:09:40.936 --> 00:09:44.073
Won't have to, we won't have to do this.
00:09:44.073 --> 00:09:45.508
And so my mum looks at me, my kind english british little
00:09:45.508 --> 00:09:49.979
Teacup of a mother, and she goes, "when you're done with
00:09:49.979 --> 00:09:53.182
This, i'll see you in church."
00:09:53.182 --> 00:09:55.017
She left me in the car.
00:09:55.017 --> 00:09:56.585
It wasn't hot, everything, everyone, don't call the cops.
00:09:56.585 --> 00:09:58.654
She was fine with it.
00:09:58.654 --> 00:10:00.623
And i'm in there and now i don't have an audience and i was like,
00:10:00.623 --> 00:10:02.858
Oh, i don't really know what to do.
00:10:02.858 --> 00:10:04.226
So i walk into the service to try to find someone that will
00:10:04.226 --> 00:10:06.696
Feel sorry for me and i'm like sniffing.
00:10:06.696 --> 00:10:09.098
And i see one of our youth pastors, and she's like,
00:10:09.098 --> 00:10:12.268
"what's wrong?"
00:10:12.268 --> 00:10:13.636
And i was like, "my mum is making me come to church and
00:10:13.636 --> 00:10:15.404
I'm exhausted."
00:10:15.404 --> 00:10:17.106
And she's like, "you love church.
00:10:17.106 --> 00:10:19.075
Why wouldn't you want to be here?"
00:10:19.075 --> 00:10:20.409
And walks off.
00:10:20.409 --> 00:10:21.777
And i just immediately, it stopped my tantrum cause i
00:10:21.777 --> 00:10:23.412
Was like.
00:10:23.412 --> 00:10:24.780
Naomi: oh, i do.
00:10:24.780 --> 00:10:26.182
Elyse: oh, that's right.
00:10:26.182 --> 00:10:27.550
Oh my bad, that's on me.
00:10:27.550 --> 00:10:28.884
And so i think there is this mix of yes content, what's
00:10:28.884 --> 00:10:31.387
Happening, let's find a place where they can engage, and very
00:10:31.387 --> 00:10:33.789
Much to your point.
00:10:33.789 --> 00:10:35.124
And that was my experience as a kid.
00:10:35.124 --> 00:10:36.492
There was a couple of moments where i was like, i don't
00:10:36.492 --> 00:10:38.160
Wanna do this.
00:10:38.160 --> 00:10:39.495
And they were like, uh-huh.
00:10:39.495 --> 00:10:40.863
See you in there.
00:10:40.863 --> 00:10:42.198
And it was like as for me and my house and--
00:10:42.198 --> 00:10:44.366
Naomi: okay, 'cause news flash baby teenager person, you will
00:10:44.366 --> 00:10:48.504
Not wanna do a lot of things working, getting up, fixing the
00:10:48.504 --> 00:10:53.409
Doorknob, whatever it is.
00:10:53.409 --> 00:10:55.344
Their life is full of things that you will not want to do and
00:10:55.344 --> 00:10:58.414
As your parent i have to teach you how to approach that.
00:10:58.414 --> 00:11:02.151
And i have to give you opportunities to get comfortable
00:11:02.151 --> 00:11:05.387
And get used to it and practice doing the things that you do not
00:11:05.387 --> 00:11:08.524
Want to do.
00:11:08.524 --> 00:11:09.859
I'm sorry.
00:11:09.859 --> 00:11:11.227
I love you.
00:11:11.227 --> 00:11:12.561
This is life.
00:11:12.561 --> 00:11:13.896
It's not great all the time, but here we are.
00:11:13.896 --> 00:11:15.264
Elyse: welcome.
00:11:15.264 --> 00:11:16.599
Nicole: and also i wanna applaud a parent who is making church
00:11:16.599 --> 00:11:20.536
The house of the lord a priority 'cause i mean, you know, we see
00:11:20.536 --> 00:11:23.506
This, right, i mean, so much where i mean sports are
00:11:23.506 --> 00:11:27.243
Incredible, extracurricular stuff is awesome and we know how
00:11:27.243 --> 00:11:30.746
Great that is for our kids, but we often see it where it takes
00:11:30.746 --> 00:11:35.017
Priority over gathering with the people of god.
00:11:35.017 --> 00:11:38.921
So i'm like, good job mom for, you know, making it a priority.
00:11:38.921 --> 00:11:44.226
And just ask the lord to give you right like out of the
00:11:44.226 --> 00:11:47.363
Box ideas.
00:11:47.363 --> 00:11:48.697
Like, these are incredible suggestions here that it's like,
00:11:48.697 --> 00:11:51.066
You know, so yeah good stuff.
00:11:51.066 --> 00:11:54.770
Naomi: so in my household, church was number one, right?
00:11:54.770 --> 00:11:59.241
And not just church.
00:11:59.241 --> 00:12:00.910
It was god.
00:12:00.910 --> 00:12:02.244
It was the things of god.
00:12:02.244 --> 00:12:03.612
It was worship.
00:12:03.612 --> 00:12:04.947
It was making sure that we gathered and went to the house
00:12:04.947 --> 00:12:08.784
Of the lord with the people of god to praise him and worship
00:12:08.784 --> 00:12:12.021
Him and to grow, learn, develop and serve, right?
00:12:12.021 --> 00:12:16.926
Because my parents did that, it literally set the precedent,
00:12:16.926 --> 00:12:20.629
A precedent for my life.
00:12:20.629 --> 00:12:22.198
I have to be in service.
00:12:22.198 --> 00:12:24.200
I have to be living to bless other people and to impact
00:12:24.200 --> 00:12:29.471
Their lives.
00:12:29.471 --> 00:12:30.806
I live communally.
00:12:30.806 --> 00:12:32.208
I'm not just thinking about myself.
00:12:32.208 --> 00:12:34.009
I remember we used to drive people back and forth to
00:12:34.009 --> 00:12:37.980
Different places and pick them up every single day and that was
00:12:37.980 --> 00:12:41.383
A part and, you know, sometimes as a little girl, i would be
00:12:41.383 --> 00:12:43.452
Like, why do we have to pick people up and blah, blah,
00:12:43.452 --> 00:12:45.421
You know.
00:12:45.421 --> 00:12:46.755
And it was added, right?
00:12:46.755 --> 00:12:48.123
We could be late, right, if the people weren't on time, but my
00:12:48.123 --> 00:12:50.860
Mother would always say this is what it is to be
00:12:50.860 --> 00:12:53.462
A believer, right?
00:12:53.462 --> 00:12:54.830
That this car is not just our car.
00:12:54.830 --> 00:12:56.665
This is the kingdom's car.
00:12:56.665 --> 00:12:58.033
This car is for god.
00:12:58.033 --> 00:12:59.368
It's for what he wants to do in the earth.
00:12:59.368 --> 00:13:00.936
And so that has literally set up every prayer that i prayed when
00:13:00.936 --> 00:13:04.106
I'm praying and we were praying for a new home and that was the
00:13:04.106 --> 00:13:06.876
Prayer, "father, let this home be something that's used for
00:13:06.876 --> 00:13:09.478
Your glory."
00:13:09.478 --> 00:13:10.846
And many people have lived with us and come through and it has
00:13:10.846 --> 00:13:13.849
Been a wild adventure, but what i know has happened is that
00:13:13.849 --> 00:13:17.987
People's lives were changed because of what the lord did in
00:13:17.987 --> 00:13:20.589
Our lives and because of the service and the ministry.
00:13:20.589 --> 00:13:22.925
To me, that's what life is all about.
00:13:22.925 --> 00:13:24.627
If i'm not blessing someone else, what am i doing?
00:13:24.627 --> 00:13:27.763
And so by my parents making church a priority, they were
00:13:27.763 --> 00:13:32.067
Making love a priority.
00:13:32.067 --> 00:13:34.536
They were making service a priority.
00:13:34.536 --> 00:13:36.205
They were making ministry a priority and it was beyond me.
00:13:36.205 --> 00:13:39.942
And i like living in a way that is not self-centered and
00:13:39.942 --> 00:13:43.312
Self-focused and focus on the things of the lord.
00:13:43.312 --> 00:13:46.749
Kirsten: just because i do think we're at a time where knowing
00:13:46.749 --> 00:13:50.519
The bible, even my age people, we really don't know the bible
00:13:50.519 --> 00:13:55.257
That well 'cause we're not in it as much because we're busy and
00:13:55.257 --> 00:13:57.793
All the things and we will listen to podcasts and we'll do
00:13:57.793 --> 00:13:59.862
The things, but are we actually reading the word of god?
00:13:59.862 --> 00:14:01.864
And i think sometimes we put the spiritual stuff on the church to
00:14:01.864 --> 00:14:07.002
Teach our kids and to make sure that they know and to make sure
00:14:07.002 --> 00:14:10.139
That they're memorizing, but we're not really doing it as
00:14:10.139 --> 00:14:12.274
A family unit.
00:14:12.274 --> 00:14:13.609
And so the other suggestion, mom, 'cause i'm talking to
00:14:13.609 --> 00:14:16.211
Myself too is that maybe wednesday night can be
00:14:16.211 --> 00:14:19.181
Our family.
00:14:19.181 --> 00:14:20.516
What are we gonna go through?
00:14:20.516 --> 00:14:21.884
But that puts the ownership on i have to know the bible or
00:14:21.884 --> 00:14:25.020
The part.
00:14:25.020 --> 00:14:26.355
I always say you have to know one day ahead.
00:14:26.355 --> 00:14:27.723
You know, the whole thing.
00:14:27.723 --> 00:14:29.058
What are you gonna talk about?
00:14:29.058 --> 00:14:30.426
John 1? okay, just go read john 1. ask the spirit to tell you
00:14:30.426 --> 00:14:33.495
Some things about it.
00:14:33.495 --> 00:14:34.830
Go find some commentary.
00:14:34.830 --> 00:14:36.198
But i think there's also this invitation potentially for your
00:14:36.198 --> 00:14:38.534
Kids to really see what you really believe and to invite
00:14:38.534 --> 00:14:41.704
Conversation around scripture and not rely on the church do
00:14:41.704 --> 00:14:44.974
That for our kids.
00:14:44.974 --> 00:14:46.308
Sheila: no, that's great.
00:14:46.308 --> 00:14:48.110
Naomi: god wants us to do life together because we are
00:14:48.110 --> 00:14:50.512
Better together.
00:14:50.512 --> 00:14:51.847
Nicole: connect with us on social media and share your
00:14:51.847 --> 00:14:53.649
Favorite moments from today.
00:14:53.649 --> 00:14:55.184
Sheila: we can't wait for you to join us.
00:14:55.184 --> 00:14:58.020
Laurie: let's keep the conversation going.
00:14:58.087 --> 00:15:00.289
You can find the "better together" podcast on your
00:15:00.289 --> 00:15:02.624
Favorite listening platform.
00:15:02.624 --> 00:15:04.426
Subscribe today.
00:15:04.426 --> 00:15:09.001
Subscribe today.
00:15:09.001 --> 00:15:12.468
Sheila: we have one more question about teenagers.
00:15:12.601 --> 00:15:13.502
I bet there's probably 1,000 questions about
00:15:14.470 --> 00:15:15.971
Teenagers, but--
00:15:15.971 --> 00:15:17.339
Elyse: i have questions about teenagers.
00:15:17.339 --> 00:15:19.408
Sheila: this is--there's a real heartache in this.
00:15:19.408 --> 00:15:21.110
Another viewer wrote, "what if your kids rebel and turn away
00:15:21.110 --> 00:15:24.913
From god?
00:15:24.913 --> 00:15:26.348
Is teen rebellion a necessary stage?"
00:15:26.348 --> 00:15:29.752
That is, i mean, that's a heartbreak for a parent.
00:15:29.752 --> 00:15:32.955
You know, when you've raised your child and brought them into
00:15:32.955 --> 00:15:36.692
Everything and then they just suddenly are like, you
00:15:36.692 --> 00:15:38.861
Know what?
00:15:38.861 --> 00:15:40.195
And you know, i discovered i thought it was interesting.
00:15:40.195 --> 00:15:42.331
Our son went to a christian school and so a lot of the
00:15:42.331 --> 00:15:45.034
Friends that, you know, he knew there went to our church
00:15:45.034 --> 00:15:47.336
As well.
00:15:47.336 --> 00:15:48.670
And then when he went off to college, i remember him coming
00:15:48.670 --> 00:15:51.206
Home the first semester and saying, "you know what's really
00:15:51.206 --> 00:15:53.308
Interesting, mom?
00:15:53.308 --> 00:15:54.643
Some of my friends that were everything, the minute they get
00:15:54.643 --> 00:15:57.546
To college, they don't want anything to do with it."
00:15:57.546 --> 00:16:00.649
And it became clear to me that unless a child owns their own
00:16:00.649 --> 00:16:03.986
Faith and understands, rather than just thinking, well, i was
00:16:03.986 --> 00:16:08.257
Under this one roof, so that means i do this, but now that
00:16:08.257 --> 00:16:11.293
I'm under my own roof, i can do what i like.
00:16:11.293 --> 00:16:13.262
Unless they understand the importance of faith and make it
00:16:13.262 --> 00:16:17.199
Personal, then it's very easy to walk away from.
00:16:17.199 --> 00:16:20.769
But do you have any advice for parents facing a rebellious?
00:16:20.769 --> 00:16:23.772
Nicole: i wanna say first of all, i just heard the other day
00:16:23.772 --> 00:16:26.442
Dr. henry cloud talking about--
00:16:26.442 --> 00:16:28.744
Elyse: we love dr. henry cloud.
00:16:28.744 --> 00:16:30.079
Nicole: he was talking about this about a parent had said to
00:16:30.079 --> 00:16:32.714
Him like, "well, you know, teens rebelling, like that's just
00:16:32.714 --> 00:16:34.783
Gonna happen."
00:16:34.783 --> 00:16:36.118
And he was like, you know, what's happening in their teen
00:16:36.118 --> 00:16:38.887
Years is government of their life is in a transfer stage of
00:16:38.887 --> 00:16:44.093
From mom and dad to as they mature like to themselves as,
00:16:44.093 --> 00:16:48.097
You know, as they become adults.
00:16:48.097 --> 00:16:49.631
So to answer the question, is teen rebellion a
00:16:49.631 --> 00:16:52.468
Necessary stage?
00:16:52.468 --> 00:16:53.802
I would say no, but they are learning make decisions for
00:16:53.802 --> 00:16:57.206
Themselves and sometimes that is in conflict with what we as
00:16:57.206 --> 00:17:02.344
Their parents have, you know, have either trained or taught
00:17:02.344 --> 00:17:04.880
Them or what we think they need.
00:17:04.880 --> 00:17:06.915
But i would say like it is never too late.
00:17:06.915 --> 00:17:10.219
None of our kids are ever too far gone that the lord cannot
00:17:10.219 --> 00:17:14.356
Find them.
00:17:14.356 --> 00:17:16.258
Kirsten: oh, it's hard when our kids are doing their thing and
00:17:16.258 --> 00:17:20.429
We feel like maybe god has forgotten them or god is--could
00:17:20.429 --> 00:17:24.333
Be doing a different way.
00:17:24.333 --> 00:17:25.667
If you're like me, you're thinking, "god, i'm gonna tell
00:17:25.667 --> 00:17:27.002
You how you should handle this one because i have the right
00:17:27.002 --> 00:17:29.872
Tools and the things that need to happen in order to get
00:17:29.872 --> 00:17:32.174
Their attention."
00:17:32.174 --> 00:17:33.509
And i think i'm dealing with that now.
00:17:33.509 --> 00:17:35.677
I mean, we have seven kids and i have one child who i'm just
00:17:35.677 --> 00:17:38.313
Like, are you in there, lord?
00:17:38.313 --> 00:17:40.482
Like, come on.
00:17:40.482 --> 00:17:42.918
But what i realized is the more i try to manipulate or force
00:17:42.918 --> 00:17:46.822
Things, it actually makes the situation worse.
00:17:46.822 --> 00:17:50.058
So we, i and my husband, we have reverted to just go to the lord.
00:17:50.058 --> 00:17:54.796
I am in my bible more.
00:17:54.796 --> 00:17:56.165
I am praying--nothing like a kid that needs prayers and get you
00:17:56.165 --> 00:17:59.368
On your knees to talk to the lord, i need wisdom.
00:17:59.368 --> 00:18:02.604
Like, i need to know when i need to speak and when i need to shut
00:18:02.604 --> 00:18:05.807
My mouth.
00:18:05.807 --> 00:18:07.142
And so to the encouragement there is this strengthens your
00:18:07.142 --> 00:18:10.512
Faith and reminds you that god saved you from your stuff, like
00:18:10.512 --> 00:18:14.917
He will surely be saving your child from the things that they
00:18:14.917 --> 00:18:17.853
Go through.
00:18:17.853 --> 00:18:19.221
And it's not our job to protect them from everything, but know
00:18:19.221 --> 00:18:22.624
That ultimately god is pursuing them the same way he
00:18:22.624 --> 00:18:25.160
Pursued you.
00:18:25.160 --> 00:18:26.495
And it may not look like he wanted to, but his way generally
00:18:26.495 --> 00:18:29.598
Is best.
00:18:29.598 --> 00:18:31.433
Nicole: we went through a stage with our daughter, you know,
00:18:31.433 --> 00:18:35.237
Several years back.
00:18:35.237 --> 00:18:37.172
She never turned from the lord or left the church like, but she
00:18:37.172 --> 00:18:41.376
Was making some decisions that were just not i mean, were not
00:18:41.376 --> 00:18:44.680
Good and was in direct opposition to what her dad and i
00:18:44.680 --> 00:18:49.184
Were kind of directing her into or, you know, it just it
00:18:49.184 --> 00:18:52.754
Wasn't healthy.
00:18:52.754 --> 00:18:54.122
But, you know, once we kind of we let her know what we thought
00:18:54.122 --> 00:18:57.726
And it was a process of about a year us trying to like make her
00:18:57.726 --> 00:19:01.763
Conform to what we wanted.
00:19:01.763 --> 00:19:04.233
And you know what?
00:19:04.233 --> 00:19:05.567
She was still finding ways to sneak around and do the things
00:19:05.567 --> 00:19:07.936
That, you know.
00:19:07.936 --> 00:19:09.304
And so she was 18, 19 at the time so it was like the lord
00:19:09.304 --> 00:19:13.442
Just gave me a release.
00:19:13.442 --> 00:19:14.776
One day i was like, okay, we're gonna sit and chat with her and
00:19:14.776 --> 00:19:19.481
We're gonna say, you know, this is why we don't, you know, feel
00:19:19.481 --> 00:19:23.585
That these decisions you're making are good that's they're
00:19:23.585 --> 00:19:25.721
Gonna bear bad fruit, but at the end of the day, like you're the
00:19:25.721 --> 00:19:29.024
One that's gonna have to live with that fruit.
00:19:29.024 --> 00:19:32.027
We love you, we will always love you, we will love this young man
00:19:32.027 --> 00:19:34.896
If this is, you know, whatever and make your own decisions,
00:19:34.896 --> 00:19:39.034
You know.
00:19:39.034 --> 00:19:40.369
And we just continued to pray and love her.
00:19:40.369 --> 00:19:43.839
And she made her own decisions.
00:19:43.839 --> 00:19:45.507
I'm telling you it was like six months later, the relationship
00:19:45.507 --> 00:19:51.213
Was broken up.
00:19:51.213 --> 00:19:52.547
It was still a tumultuous like several months after, but what
00:19:52.547 --> 00:19:55.250
I'm saying is like god hears.
00:19:55.250 --> 00:19:58.120
He is a god who hears our prayers and he answers them.
00:19:58.120 --> 00:20:01.957
And so there are times when literally like i felt at
00:20:01.957 --> 00:20:05.360
A certain point when i knew us like coming down with like you
00:20:05.360 --> 00:20:08.730
Need to do this you need to do this was pushing her away.
00:20:08.730 --> 00:20:12.567
And i'm like i'm always gonna have a relationship with
00:20:12.567 --> 00:20:14.703
My daughter.
00:20:14.703 --> 00:20:16.038
No matter what choices she makes, i'm always gonna love
00:20:16.038 --> 00:20:17.906
My daughter.
00:20:17.906 --> 00:20:19.241
Man, the lord was so faithful to hear us and to answer us.
00:20:19.241 --> 00:20:20.976
So that's what i would say.
00:20:20.976 --> 00:20:24.246
Nicole: so the season of time where i was really praying and
00:20:24.246 --> 00:20:27.449
Interceding for my daughter.
00:20:27.449 --> 00:20:29.518
My husband and i both were praying and believing together.
00:20:29.518 --> 00:20:32.821
She was making some really, you know, some choices that were
00:20:32.821 --> 00:20:36.558
Leading really to destruction.
00:20:36.558 --> 00:20:38.627
And so we began praying and so what god did was not only did he
00:20:38.627 --> 00:20:43.065
End a particular, you know, her relationship that she had been
00:20:43.065 --> 00:20:45.834
In, but she began to just, what we saw in her, she has a gift of
00:20:45.834 --> 00:20:52.341
Music and songwriting and leading worship, we saw her
00:20:52.341 --> 00:20:57.813
Fully surrender her life to the lord.
00:20:57.813 --> 00:21:00.882
So she came out of this season of like, i just wanna do it my
00:21:00.882 --> 00:21:03.952
Way, i wanna make my own decisions, to going, i'm gonna
00:21:03.952 --> 00:21:07.255
Surrender my life fully to jesus and i want what he wants for
00:21:07.255 --> 00:21:11.960
My life.
00:21:11.960 --> 00:21:13.295
And it's been just so beautiful over these last, you know, few
00:21:13.295 --> 00:21:16.598
Years now to see that played out in her life and to see the
00:21:16.598 --> 00:21:21.303
Goodness of god.
00:21:21.303 --> 00:21:23.205
He answers prayer.
00:21:23.205 --> 00:21:25.941
Naomi: i remember doing things to almost see, like, test the
00:21:25.941 --> 00:21:30.846
Things that i had learned.
00:21:30.846 --> 00:21:33.115
I feel like i went through a phase of testing the love of
00:21:33.115 --> 00:21:35.484
God, testing the truth of what i was told because i didn't know
00:21:35.484 --> 00:21:40.722
If i believed it and i would agree with you that i don't
00:21:40.722 --> 00:21:43.492
Think teenage rebellion is necessary, but i do think
00:21:43.492 --> 00:21:46.795
Sometimes for kids, faith is a theory and theories have to be
00:21:46.795 --> 00:21:51.366
Tested in order for you to see what you believe.
00:21:51.366 --> 00:21:54.102
And i think about the prodigal son and him being like, "dad,
00:21:54.102 --> 00:21:58.240
Give me my stuff and let me get on out of here."
00:21:58.240 --> 00:22:00.542
And the dad is like, "okay, go."
00:22:00.542 --> 00:22:02.711
And so i'm starting to think about these parents and i don't
00:22:02.711 --> 00:22:04.379
Wanna be insensitive to parents because hello, i am a mother and
00:22:04.379 --> 00:22:07.916
There are nights i'm looking at my daughter's location like,
00:22:07.916 --> 00:22:10.285
"girl, where are you?
00:22:10.285 --> 00:22:11.620
I just need to make sure you're okay," right?
00:22:11.620 --> 00:22:12.988
Because that's my baby girl and she's mine, right?
00:22:12.988 --> 00:22:15.791
But there's an understanding that like, okay, maybe i have
00:22:15.791 --> 00:22:19.394
To shift.
00:22:19.394 --> 00:22:20.729
Like, maybe this stubborn teenage not going to church
00:22:20.729 --> 00:22:23.498
During the midweek service or this like rebellious teenage
00:22:23.498 --> 00:22:27.302
Season is an opportunity not just for them to come to know
00:22:27.302 --> 00:22:30.739
The lord, right, because he cares more about our children
00:22:30.739 --> 00:22:32.240
Than we do, right?
00:22:32.240 --> 00:22:33.675
But it's an opportunity for us to press into another aspect and
00:22:33.675 --> 00:22:36.611
Level of parenting that maybe we haven't been in.
00:22:36.611 --> 00:22:39.214
It's the prayer room.
00:22:39.214 --> 00:22:40.582
It's the trusting.
00:22:40.582 --> 00:22:41.917
It's the saying, "okay, go."
00:22:41.917 --> 00:22:43.351
And i will be that father that's there with open arms waiting for
00:22:43.351 --> 00:22:46.321
You to come back because that's what i've been seeing model for
00:22:46.321 --> 00:22:49.157
My parents.
00:22:49.157 --> 00:22:50.525
I mean all of this is easy to say right now.
00:22:50.525 --> 00:22:52.027
It's hard to do, but i think that there is something to,
00:22:52.027 --> 00:22:55.397
Okay, i can't control her.
00:22:55.397 --> 00:22:57.466
This is an opportunity for me to trust the lord and trust that,
00:22:57.466 --> 00:23:00.969
You know, you raise up a child in the way they should go and
00:23:00.969 --> 00:23:03.505
When they're older they won't depart.
00:23:03.505 --> 00:23:05.006
And there's no age on older.
00:23:05.006 --> 00:23:06.775
Like, who knows if it's 20 or 30 or 40, you know.
00:23:06.775 --> 00:23:10.479
I'm sorry, last thing.
00:23:10.479 --> 00:23:11.847
My uncle was, you know, raised in a household.
00:23:11.847 --> 00:23:14.282
Everybody was in the faith and he was like, no, had an actual
00:23:14.282 --> 00:23:18.553
Encounter with god, supernatural encounter with god.
00:23:18.553 --> 00:23:21.156
The tv shut off and out from it, he said he heard the voice of
00:23:21.156 --> 00:23:24.693
God saying, "the choice is yours," right?
00:23:24.693 --> 00:23:28.163
Still decides to live the way he wants to live.
00:23:28.163 --> 00:23:32.033
When i tell you i got a text late last week from my uncle
00:23:32.033 --> 00:23:35.937
Saying, "i'm sitting here with your grandmother and your aunt
00:23:35.937 --> 00:23:38.740
Watching you on 'better together,'" and then my mother
00:23:38.740 --> 00:23:42.511
Tells me on monday that he just came to church, went to church
00:23:42.511 --> 00:23:46.248
On sunday.
00:23:46.248 --> 00:23:47.582
I want you to know that the prayers of my grandmother,
00:23:47.582 --> 00:23:50.819
You understand?
00:23:50.819 --> 00:23:52.187
You almost stood up because i'm like, and then it was so crazy
00:23:52.187 --> 00:23:55.323
To me because i knew i was coming to "better together"
00:23:55.323 --> 00:23:57.125
Again this week, but the lord is still doing and my uncle is
00:23:57.125 --> 00:24:00.061
Over 60-years-old.
00:24:00.061 --> 00:24:01.429
I think he's 65 years old.
00:24:01.429 --> 00:24:02.764
And so, i'm not saying like it's easy to watch your child go
00:24:02.764 --> 00:24:06.234
Through what they go through and thank god my grandmother is
00:24:06.234 --> 00:24:09.337
Still alive to see that her son is actually, you know, coming
00:24:09.337 --> 00:24:12.874
Into the things of faith, but he's now stepping into it and
00:24:12.874 --> 00:24:16.311
It's like 65.
00:24:16.311 --> 00:24:18.146
I'm glad because i know that the lord is doing a work and
00:24:18.146 --> 00:24:21.182
Sometimes the work is beyond the timeline that we want but,
00:24:21.182 --> 00:24:25.053
You know.
00:24:25.053 --> 00:24:26.388
Sheila: but the thing that's great about that is that it's
00:24:26.388 --> 00:24:27.856
Placing this huge weight or back on god and on trusting god.
00:24:27.856 --> 00:24:33.728
'cause i think sometimes this parents we think it's up to us.
00:24:33.728 --> 00:24:36.264
I remember our son went through maybe like a year when he was
00:24:36.264 --> 00:24:39.668
Very disillusioned with the church.
00:24:39.668 --> 00:24:42.137
I had taken him with me to a couple of conferences in
00:24:42.137 --> 00:24:45.106
Different places and he had put certain people kind of on a
00:24:45.106 --> 00:24:47.742
Pedestal and then they kind of came crashing off the pedestal
00:24:47.742 --> 00:24:52.380
And it really, really impacted him.
00:24:52.380 --> 00:24:54.282
And i remember him saying to me one day, "you know, i'm not
00:24:54.282 --> 00:24:56.618
Going to church right now, mom."
00:24:56.618 --> 00:24:59.120
And i said to him, "you know what, babe?
00:24:59.120 --> 00:25:00.488
That's okay.
00:25:00.488 --> 00:25:01.823
Just don't give up on jesus.
00:25:01.823 --> 00:25:03.191
Just do not give up on jesus and know he will never give up
00:25:03.191 --> 00:25:05.860
On you."
00:25:05.860 --> 00:25:07.195
And now he's in a fantastic little church in dallas just
00:25:07.195 --> 00:25:10.599
Loves totally in.
00:25:10.599 --> 00:25:12.233
I mean, shares his life with the--he said "the reason we go
00:25:12.233 --> 00:25:14.402
To this church is 'cause they don't just talk about jesus,
00:25:14.402 --> 00:25:17.138
They live like jesus."
00:25:17.138 --> 00:25:19.674
So i think it comes to this place where it's like this
00:25:19.674 --> 00:25:22.744
Balancing act of doing everything we can do, but then
00:25:22.744 --> 00:25:26.948
Understanding that god is in control, that god is good, that
00:25:26.948 --> 00:25:29.784
God knows exactly and he is able to engineer the perfect
00:25:29.784 --> 00:25:32.787
Circumstances to bring them to a place and it might not be within
00:25:32.787 --> 00:25:36.157
Our circle, it might, it might be out there.
00:25:36.157 --> 00:25:40.195
Sheila: i think one of the greatest heartaches that any
00:25:40.195 --> 00:25:42.063
Parent can face is when your child that you've raised in the
00:25:42.063 --> 00:25:45.533
Church that you've poured into them everything you knew about
00:25:45.533 --> 00:25:48.370
Loving jesus turns and walks away for a while.
00:25:48.370 --> 00:25:51.740
But i would say this, do not give up, do not lose hope.
00:25:51.740 --> 00:25:56.311
I've had a dear man that was in my church way back in scotland
00:25:56.311 --> 00:26:00.649
When i was a girl who had prayed for his wife for years and every
00:26:00.649 --> 00:26:05.253
Single tuesday night at our prayer meeting, he would pray.
00:26:05.253 --> 00:26:08.289
And there was maybe only 30 of us.
00:26:08.289 --> 00:26:09.724
It was a small church.
00:26:09.724 --> 00:26:11.059
He would pray with tears pouring down his cheeks for his dear
00:26:11.059 --> 00:26:14.129
Wife because he'd become a christian after they get married
00:26:14.129 --> 00:26:16.598
And she was lovely, but she just wasn't interested in church.
00:26:16.598 --> 00:26:20.035
And i went off to seminary in london and one time when i'm
00:26:20.035 --> 00:26:22.537
Home, it was, i learned that he had gone home to be with jesus,
00:26:22.537 --> 00:26:26.474
But it was at his memorial service that his wife gave her
00:26:26.474 --> 00:26:30.645
Life to jesus.
00:26:30.645 --> 00:26:31.980
A lifetime is not too long to pray.
00:26:31.980 --> 00:26:34.916
Sometimes we think, well, i've done this and i've done this and
00:26:34.916 --> 00:26:36.751
I've done that, now i'll pray about it.
00:26:36.751 --> 00:26:38.520
No, make prayer the first thing.
00:26:38.520 --> 00:26:40.689
'cause what you're doing is you're aligning yourself with
00:26:40.689 --> 00:26:43.058
The hosts of heaven.
00:26:43.058 --> 00:26:44.426
And do you know that that is god's chosen fragrance
00:26:44.426 --> 00:26:46.728
For heaven?
00:26:46.728 --> 00:26:48.096
It says in the psalms and in the revelation given to john on
00:26:48.096 --> 00:26:51.166
Patmos that the angels hold up these great bowls of incense
00:26:51.166 --> 00:26:55.203
Before the lord and they're the prayers for god's people.
00:26:55.203 --> 00:26:57.939
You've never prayed a prayer that has fallen to the
00:26:57.939 --> 00:27:00.175
Floor unheard.
00:27:00.175 --> 00:27:02.510
Sheila: oh, this is from holly.
00:27:02.510 --> 00:27:04.546
She left us a message on instagram.
00:27:04.546 --> 00:27:06.815
Hi holly.
00:27:06.815 --> 00:27:09.384
"how do i help my adult daughter now that the dynamic has shifted
00:27:09.384 --> 00:27:13.221
And she's no longer a child?"
00:27:13.221 --> 00:27:16.691
And how does the dynamic shift when you're dealing not with
00:27:16.691 --> 00:27:19.494
A child anymore where 'cause as you said, when they're 15, 16
00:27:19.494 --> 00:27:22.997
And under, you can be like, you know what?
00:27:22.997 --> 00:27:24.699
I totally get it, but get dressed, get your shoes on.
00:27:24.699 --> 00:27:27.802
But when they're older and they're going through something
00:27:27.802 --> 00:27:30.105
And that dynamic has shifted, how do you help them?
00:27:30.105 --> 00:27:34.375
Nicole: i think i look at that question and maybe i think
00:27:34.375 --> 00:27:36.978
Perhaps it's kind of maybe an enabling relationship or
00:27:36.978 --> 00:27:40.181
Sometimes, you know, if our kids haven't been given certain
00:27:40.181 --> 00:27:44.419
Responsibilities at certain seasons of life and they do
00:27:44.419 --> 00:27:48.323
Become too dependent upon us.
00:27:48.323 --> 00:27:49.791
And, you know, i think i look back on my parenting journey
00:27:49.791 --> 00:27:52.494
With some things that i did where i was like, man,
00:27:52.494 --> 00:27:55.430
I should have.
00:27:55.430 --> 00:27:56.765
I see how he struggles with this or she struggles with this.
00:27:56.765 --> 00:27:58.800
I should have like given them more responsibility at a younger
00:27:58.800 --> 00:28:02.504
Age and let them feel that they are capable in this, you know,
00:28:02.504 --> 00:28:07.408
'cause i think a lot of times what i see in kind of the
00:28:07.408 --> 00:28:11.412
Generation of young adults and my own kids too is maybe we
00:28:11.412 --> 00:28:15.416
Might have coddled them a little too much.
00:28:15.416 --> 00:28:17.719
I'm speaking to myself.
00:28:17.719 --> 00:28:20.421
But, you know, maybe i did too much for them and now it's like
00:28:20.421 --> 00:28:24.659
They feel like it's hard for them to now go, oh, okay, yeah,
00:28:24.659 --> 00:28:28.830
I need to cut the strings for mom and dad.
00:28:28.830 --> 00:28:31.366
So i, yeah, i would encourage that tough love and boundaries
00:28:31.366 --> 00:28:35.770
Are hard, but they're necessary and sometimes it's just like,
00:28:35.770 --> 00:28:41.509
Hey, you know, just like when you give your kids like
00:28:41.509 --> 00:28:43.411
A warning, you know, in ten minutes we're gonna be doing
00:28:43.411 --> 00:28:46.748
This or, you know, whatever.
00:28:46.748 --> 00:28:48.683
Like, ten minutes we're transitioning this into
00:28:48.683 --> 00:28:51.052
Another activity.
00:28:51.052 --> 00:28:52.420
Like, we had to do that a lot with our son who's on the autism
00:28:52.420 --> 00:28:54.789
Spectrum like because he would throw a fit when it's like
00:28:54.789 --> 00:28:58.259
Suddenly, you know.
00:28:58.259 --> 00:28:59.661
So having conversations with this adult child going, okay, in
00:28:59.661 --> 00:29:03.865
A few months from now--like we're weaning you off of mom and
00:29:03.865 --> 00:29:08.870
Dad supplying or whatever it is.
00:29:08.870 --> 00:29:10.738
It could be financial, it could be emotional.
00:29:10.738 --> 00:29:12.740
I don't know, there's multiple ways that, you know, but i think
00:29:12.740 --> 00:29:15.510
Having the conversations and going, i'm giving you some prep
00:29:15.510 --> 00:29:18.012
Time but we have to put up some boundaries and we believe in you
00:29:18.012 --> 00:29:21.783
And you are capable and now mom and dad are in a stage where
00:29:21.783 --> 00:29:25.653
Like we have to also think about ourselves and anyway.
00:29:25.653 --> 00:29:30.158
Sheila: but it's interesting as they age, like i was thinking of
00:29:30.158 --> 00:29:32.660
Three different stages in christian's life.
00:29:32.660 --> 00:29:34.729
When he was a little boy and we were on the road most weekends
00:29:34.729 --> 00:29:38.733
And when he got to that age where he didn't want to go to
00:29:38.733 --> 00:29:40.702
The ladies' toilet, he wanted to go to the men's toilet.
00:29:40.702 --> 00:29:43.271
And i would be, okay, here's the deal, i'll always be outside and
00:29:43.271 --> 00:29:47.075
We have a password.
00:29:47.075 --> 00:29:49.344
If anybody, if you're in there and somebody makes you feel
00:29:49.344 --> 00:29:52.180
Uncomfortable, if somebody touches you or anything, our
00:29:52.180 --> 00:29:55.884
Password is crocodile.
00:29:55.884 --> 00:29:57.752
And i said, you know, don't pay for it and yell out loudly and i
00:29:57.752 --> 00:30:01.222
Will be there in a second.
00:30:01.222 --> 00:30:02.590
So we're coming through chicago here one night and it's 10
00:30:02.590 --> 00:30:04.959
O'clock at night, and christian goes in and i'm like, "remember
00:30:04.959 --> 00:30:08.329
Our" password?
00:30:08.329 --> 00:30:09.664
And he's like, "yes ma'am."
00:30:09.664 --> 00:30:11.032
So i'm waiting outside and suddenly i hear, "crocodile."
00:30:11.032 --> 00:30:13.368
And i go running in and christian was like, "oh, that's
00:30:13.368 --> 00:30:16.237
So cool.
00:30:16.237 --> 00:30:17.572
I just wanted to see if it would work."
00:30:17.572 --> 00:30:18.940
And i'm gonna apologize to all these men.
00:30:18.940 --> 00:30:20.675
"i'm so sorry.
00:30:20.675 --> 00:30:22.043
I'm so sorry.
00:30:22.043 --> 00:30:23.378
I'm so sorry."
00:30:23.378 --> 00:30:24.712
Nicole: i'm not looking.
00:30:24.712 --> 00:30:26.080
Hilarious.
00:30:26.080 --> 00:30:27.415
Kirsten: but i love that.
00:30:27.415 --> 00:30:28.783
Elyse: i just wanted to see if it would work.
00:30:28.783 --> 00:30:30.818
Sheila: and then when he was maybe about, i don't know, 13,
00:30:30.818 --> 00:30:32.520
14, and he was doing a sleepover with a family we didn't know
00:30:32.520 --> 00:30:36.090
Really well.
00:30:36.090 --> 00:30:37.458
And i'm like, if you're ever in a sleepover and it doesn't feel
00:30:37.458 --> 00:30:40.395
Comfortable, if you feel there's something that's not right,
00:30:40.395 --> 00:30:42.730
I don't care if it's two in the morning, call us and we will
00:30:42.730 --> 00:30:45.166
Be there.
00:30:45.166 --> 00:30:46.534
And he called us not long after midnight and the minute i heard
00:30:46.534 --> 00:30:50.571
His voice, i said, "we'll be there in ten minutes," and
00:30:50.571 --> 00:30:53.775
Brought him home.
00:30:53.775 --> 00:30:55.143
I should never be afraid to be wrong.
00:30:55.143 --> 00:30:56.477
I'd rather you're wrong 100 times than not say help that one
00:30:56.477 --> 00:30:59.981
Time you need it.
00:30:59.981 --> 00:31:01.349
And that the father of that family is now in prison.
00:31:01.349 --> 00:31:03.885
And so i'm just, but now, now christian is 28, and so my thing
00:31:03.885 --> 00:31:10.224
To him is the light is always on.
00:31:10.224 --> 00:31:12.894
The light's always on.
00:31:12.894 --> 00:31:14.262
You have our home key, you have your own place, you have our
00:31:14.262 --> 00:31:16.564
Home key you know everything.
00:31:16.564 --> 00:31:18.766
It's allowing him the space to come to us now because when he's
00:31:18.766 --> 00:31:22.303
Younger, you know, it's like i would sit down and say, "okay,
00:31:22.303 --> 00:31:24.238
Let's talk about this.
00:31:24.238 --> 00:31:25.573
Let's look at this."
00:31:25.573 --> 00:31:26.941
And now he's, you know, he's a grown man, so it's like
00:31:26.941 --> 00:31:29.143
Just know.
00:31:29.143 --> 00:31:30.478
I always said to him, "the bigger the mess, the faster you
00:31:30.478 --> 00:31:33.147
Run home."
00:31:33.147 --> 00:31:34.482
Naomi: so good.
00:31:34.482 --> 00:31:35.850
Elyse: i wish i could think back to one thing that my parents did
00:31:35.850 --> 00:31:38.786
That made me feel safe to admit that i was wrong, but if i'm
00:31:38.786 --> 00:31:43.324
Honest, they played the long game.
00:31:43.324 --> 00:31:46.194
Over time, i saw that when i came to them and admitted i was
00:31:46.194 --> 00:31:49.864
Wrong or said sorry or told them the truth or called them and
00:31:49.864 --> 00:31:53.901
Said, "can you come pick me up?
00:31:53.901 --> 00:31:55.269
I made a mistake coming to this party," they were there every
00:31:55.269 --> 00:31:57.505
Time and there were moments when there was consequences, yes,
00:31:57.505 --> 00:32:01.843
'cause they were disciplining their child as god has entrusted
00:32:01.843 --> 00:32:06.114
Them to do as a parent.
00:32:06.114 --> 00:32:08.883
But over time i learned, first of all, on the moment, the
00:32:08.883 --> 00:32:13.021
Consequence never came before the conversation and it took me
00:32:13.021 --> 00:32:17.592
A while.
00:32:17.592 --> 00:32:18.926
What was that one conversation?
00:32:18.926 --> 00:32:20.261
Is it ever really just one conversation?
00:32:20.261 --> 00:32:22.864
Think about how you earn trust with a friendship.
00:32:22.864 --> 00:32:25.833
It's never one conversation.
00:32:25.833 --> 00:32:27.702
They prove over time that they're trustworthy.
00:32:27.702 --> 00:32:29.937
They prove over time that they're safe.
00:32:29.937 --> 00:32:31.706
And so for me, thinking back, it was over time.
00:32:31.706 --> 00:32:37.311
Over time i realized that coming to my parents was the safest
00:32:37.311 --> 00:32:44.485
Place to bring my failures, my questions, and my mistakes.
00:32:44.485 --> 00:32:49.657
And they'd always be a safe place to land.
00:32:49.657 --> 00:32:52.627
Elyse: the context of you being a parent changes over the years.
00:32:52.627 --> 00:32:56.931
Your investment spiritually or practically in a child changes.
00:32:56.931 --> 00:33:00.802
Like, i don't live at home.
00:33:00.802 --> 00:33:02.870
I'm still on the other side of the world.
00:33:02.870 --> 00:33:04.238
So i don't see my mum journaling every morning, but every other
00:33:04.238 --> 00:33:07.442
Day my mum is sending me you in a song.
00:33:07.442 --> 00:33:09.610
Like, have you heard this one?
00:33:09.610 --> 00:33:10.978
Loved it.
00:33:10.978 --> 00:33:12.313
She's sending me a scripture she read.
00:33:12.313 --> 00:33:13.681
She's--and it's not right back your thoughts.
00:33:13.681 --> 00:33:15.750
Kirsten: i'm just thinking of you.
00:33:15.750 --> 00:33:17.418
Elyse: in the same way that it was a passive, i watched
00:33:17.418 --> 00:33:19.754
Her journal.
00:33:19.754 --> 00:33:21.089
It's a just sharing it with you.
00:33:21.089 --> 00:33:22.857
It's so we're still on our mmmt family chat.
00:33:22.857 --> 00:33:25.793
My dad every other day is sending us scripture, sometimes
00:33:25.793 --> 00:33:29.097
Real corny christian videos, and i'm like, dad, bro.
00:33:29.097 --> 00:33:32.066
And he's like, that'll connect with the kids, like, or, but
00:33:32.066 --> 00:33:35.069
Like they're still doing things that even though they have
00:33:35.069 --> 00:33:39.207
Trained up their children, but the context of what it looks
00:33:39.207 --> 00:33:42.677
Like changes over the years.
00:33:42.677 --> 00:33:44.712
And i think my dad, who the first time i preached, basically
00:33:44.712 --> 00:33:47.748
Wrote my entire sermon 'cause i was like, what's a sermon, how
00:33:47.748 --> 00:33:50.118
Do i write it?
00:33:50.118 --> 00:33:51.486
But i wanted to preach.
00:33:51.486 --> 00:33:52.820
Nicole: i love it.
00:33:52.820 --> 00:33:54.188
Elyse: to this day, he is still the guy i call to be like,
00:33:54.188 --> 00:33:56.224
What's your thoughts on theology on--i'm preaching on this, what
00:33:56.224 --> 00:33:59.327
Do you think?
00:33:59.327 --> 00:34:00.695
Or has the context changed?
00:34:00.695 --> 00:34:02.096
It has, but it was from the beginning, but my parents don't
00:34:02.096 --> 00:34:05.533
Treat me like the 12-year-olds anymore.
00:34:05.533 --> 00:34:09.537
But they also don't remove themselves assuming
00:34:09.537 --> 00:34:12.540
Everything's fine.
00:34:12.540 --> 00:34:13.875
They keep the light on and that's powerful.
00:34:13.875 --> 00:34:18.379
Laurie: be the first to know all the latest "better
00:34:18.379 --> 00:34:20.648
Together" updates.
00:34:20.648 --> 00:34:22.250
Visit bettertogether.tv to sign up for our weekly emails and
00:34:22.250 --> 00:34:26.354
Never miss the latest news.
00:34:26.354 --> 00:34:29.005
Never miss the latest news.
00:34:29.005 --> 00:34:32.694
Sheila: we get quite a lot of questions on this subject, so
00:34:32.828 --> 00:34:35.564
I think it's really important.
00:34:35.697 --> 00:34:36.198
So this is from chelsea, sent us a message on instagram.
00:34:37.533 --> 00:34:41.003
Hey, chelsea.
00:34:41.003 --> 00:34:42.504
"how do you create boundaries with your in-laws who are
00:34:42.504 --> 00:34:45.641
Interfering in your marriage?"
00:34:45.641 --> 00:34:48.310
That's a balancing act.
00:34:48.310 --> 00:34:49.778
Kirsten: it is.
00:34:49.778 --> 00:34:51.113
Sheila: i mean, it's definitely a balancing 'cause i mean,
00:34:51.113 --> 00:34:52.481
Honestly, i think we touched on earlier this week.
00:34:52.481 --> 00:34:54.583
My mother-in-law was not thrilled that barry had married
00:34:54.583 --> 00:34:57.219
Me because they'd waited like 17 years to get pregnant and
00:34:57.219 --> 00:35:01.089
Suddenly barry came along and so she always said it's just the
00:35:01.089 --> 00:35:03.458
Three of us against the world.
00:35:03.458 --> 00:35:05.127
So i was the fourth person coming in, which was not
00:35:05.127 --> 00:35:07.696
Really great.
00:35:07.696 --> 00:35:09.131
And so after we got married at first, i said to barry, "listen,
00:35:09.131 --> 00:35:12.167
She needs to understand she's not lost you, you know, that,
00:35:12.167 --> 00:35:14.937
You know, she's gained me."
00:35:14.937 --> 00:35:17.472
Woo.
00:35:17.472 --> 00:35:20.475
Naomi: she's gained me.
00:35:20.475 --> 00:35:21.810
Sheila: and she might not immediately celebrate that, but
00:35:21.810 --> 00:35:23.512
I said, "why don't you invite them to come and stay with us
00:35:23.512 --> 00:35:25.514
For a week?"
00:35:25.514 --> 00:35:26.882
We were living in nashville and they were from charleston.
00:35:26.882 --> 00:35:28.217
And he said, "okay, great."
00:35:28.217 --> 00:35:29.585
So she came and stayed with us for a week, but after
00:35:29.585 --> 00:35:31.186
Day one she wouldn't talk to me.
00:35:31.186 --> 00:35:32.521
And barry said to her the next day 'cause i'd said to mom, "if
00:35:32.521 --> 00:35:35.057
I've offended you, if i've done something, please tell me about.
00:35:35.057 --> 00:35:38.260
If i don't know, i don't know what to do."
00:35:38.260 --> 00:35:40.629
And barry said to her on the second morning, "listen, mom,
00:35:40.629 --> 00:35:42.898
This is my home and sheila's my wife.
00:35:42.898 --> 00:35:45.100
If you can't respect her within her own home, you should
00:35:45.100 --> 00:35:47.202
Go home."
00:35:47.202 --> 00:35:48.537
And she went home.
00:35:48.537 --> 00:35:49.871
So for barry, that was a big deal, drawing a boundary, you
00:35:49.871 --> 00:35:53.575
Know, with his mom, but it was hard.
00:35:53.575 --> 00:35:55.677
So what are your experiences like in those areas?
00:35:55.677 --> 00:35:59.648
Elyse: now, i'm so grateful.
00:35:59.648 --> 00:36:01.116
I prayed for again, seven years that i would have an in-law
00:36:01.116 --> 00:36:03.952
Family that would be family in america, 'cause again,
00:36:03.952 --> 00:36:06.788
My family's in australia.
00:36:06.788 --> 00:36:08.156
And so it's one of those cool prayers that i'm very grateful
00:36:08.156 --> 00:36:10.859
For my in-laws.
00:36:10.859 --> 00:36:12.227
There was a situation when me and tim were first dating and
00:36:12.227 --> 00:36:15.564
Moving towards marriage that tim was married before me and was
00:36:15.564 --> 00:36:19.001
A single dad for a few years and one of those extended family
00:36:19.001 --> 00:36:23.739
Members from the other family, i mean, tim has the custody, and
00:36:23.739 --> 00:36:28.310
So it's one of those conversations of like, there's
00:36:28.310 --> 00:36:30.712
Lots of people that deal with blended families and that means
00:36:30.712 --> 00:36:33.582
Blended in-laws or ex-in-laws or like there's a lot of ripple
00:36:33.582 --> 00:36:38.220
Effect that happens when families break up.
00:36:38.220 --> 00:36:41.023
And so there was a situation there where now i was here in
00:36:41.023 --> 00:36:45.594
The picture, that there were assumptions about what used to
00:36:45.594 --> 00:36:49.064
Be okay with staying over in the house and now this is
00:36:49.064 --> 00:36:55.103
Our family.
00:36:55.103 --> 00:36:56.471
And there's a whole piece of that of like, there's
00:36:56.471 --> 00:36:58.774
A negotiation that has to happen.
00:36:58.774 --> 00:37:00.442
If one person gets everything from before, then something's
00:37:00.442 --> 00:37:03.111
Not right and there is a balance with any kind of compromise.
00:37:03.111 --> 00:37:07.082
And so there were things where tim like realized, oh, that
00:37:07.082 --> 00:37:12.454
Doesn't make sense anymore now that we're in this new season.
00:37:12.454 --> 00:37:15.957
And seeing it as that doesn't make it wrong, doesn't make it
00:37:15.957 --> 00:37:18.994
Not okay that what happened before, but now we're in a new
00:37:18.994 --> 00:37:21.897
Season, there are boundaries that absolutely need to be
00:37:21.897 --> 00:37:24.800
In place.
00:37:24.800 --> 00:37:26.168
And so this family member used to stay over when visiting the
00:37:26.168 --> 00:37:28.370
Girls and i was like, i don't know that i like love that in
00:37:28.370 --> 00:37:32.641
My, in my family.
00:37:32.641 --> 00:37:34.009
And so that was a really difficult conversation we had to
00:37:34.009 --> 00:37:36.211
Have honestly.
00:37:36.211 --> 00:37:37.646
And it took us a while.
00:37:37.646 --> 00:37:39.514
Like, the whole time he's praised the lord for him.
00:37:39.514 --> 00:37:42.017
But like, he had this moment where he was like, you're
00:37:42.017 --> 00:37:44.119
Absolutely right and i don't wanna, we're not gonna keep the
00:37:44.119 --> 00:37:46.588
Girls from them.
00:37:46.588 --> 00:37:47.956
That makes absolute sense.
00:37:47.956 --> 00:37:49.291
Like, we're not gonna be extreme about this, you know.
00:37:49.291 --> 00:37:50.659
And so being able to give everyone access to the thing
00:37:50.659 --> 00:37:55.030
They want whilst still being able to say, this is a new
00:37:55.030 --> 00:38:02.170
Season and we're building a family here.
00:38:02.170 --> 00:38:04.840
And so there is that, it's a grief.
00:38:04.840 --> 00:38:07.075
It's grief for everyone involved 'cause now for a lot of people
00:38:07.075 --> 00:38:11.480
Like tim is now in a brand-new season and he's got a new wife,
00:38:11.480 --> 00:38:15.550
Which i'm the one now that i'm like, woo-hoo.
00:38:15.550 --> 00:38:17.686
You're welcome, you get me.
00:38:17.686 --> 00:38:19.755
I'm such a good time.
00:38:19.755 --> 00:38:21.690
Takes a while, but you'll get used to me, i promise.
00:38:21.690 --> 00:38:24.393
But it is that new season for him and for him having to
00:38:24.393 --> 00:38:27.362
Navigate that on his side as well.
00:38:27.362 --> 00:38:29.097
And can i just say to chelsea, like, it's messy.
00:38:29.097 --> 00:38:33.969
And there'll be times where you'll have to apologize for
00:38:33.969 --> 00:38:36.972
Getting it wrong or maybe being a little extreme in boundaries,
00:38:36.972 --> 00:38:39.574
Or maybe, honestly, you'll need to have a moment where you go,
00:38:39.574 --> 00:38:42.477
I actually do need to put my foot down about this.
00:38:42.477 --> 00:38:45.113
I don't wanna people please and then resent you on the back end.
00:38:45.113 --> 00:38:49.484
And so i think that when you become a family, then you get to
00:38:49.484 --> 00:38:53.989
Decide what do i want our family to look like?
00:38:53.989 --> 00:38:56.458
Kirsten: i agree.
00:38:56.458 --> 00:38:57.793
It's like once it's leave cleave, become one.
00:38:57.793 --> 00:39:00.328
So although we're coming together with these ideas of how
00:39:00.328 --> 00:39:02.931
Involved everyone's gonna be, we get to set the standard for
00:39:02.931 --> 00:39:06.201
Our family.
00:39:06.201 --> 00:39:07.536
And so for us it was very, it wasn't difficult, but i do think
00:39:07.536 --> 00:39:10.338
It's, it might have been different.
00:39:10.338 --> 00:39:11.706
We do our family different than both of our families of origin,
00:39:11.706 --> 00:39:14.876
But how we do a lot of different things.
00:39:14.876 --> 00:39:16.845
But we always said we'll come together and we decide together
00:39:16.845 --> 00:39:19.915
And then the person who talks to the family is the one
00:39:19.915 --> 00:39:22.284
Who's family.
00:39:22.284 --> 00:39:23.618
Like, so if it's something around my family, i'm the one
00:39:23.618 --> 00:39:25.687
That talks to 'em if it's--so i'm never talking to his family
00:39:25.687 --> 00:39:28.223
About what we're gonna do like we each talk to our
00:39:28.223 --> 00:39:30.792
Own families.
00:39:30.792 --> 00:39:32.127
This is what we're gonna do and then.
00:39:32.127 --> 00:39:34.496
So that's been, i mean, we've been there almost 20 years.
00:39:34.496 --> 00:39:36.832
We have no, i love my in-laws.
00:39:36.832 --> 00:39:38.633
I love them to death.
00:39:38.633 --> 00:39:40.001
And i think that has been a saving grace is that we come
00:39:40.001 --> 00:39:41.736
Together, we decide, and then we tell everybody all their things
00:39:41.736 --> 00:39:46.441
And then that's--
00:39:46.441 --> 00:39:47.776
Sheila: because it can cause real tension in a marriage if
00:39:47.776 --> 00:39:49.911
You don't kind of agree on that.
00:39:49.911 --> 00:39:51.279
You have to come to a place where like, yeah.
00:39:51.279 --> 00:39:53.815
I loved when you mentioned henry cloud earlier.
00:39:53.815 --> 00:39:57.352
He's one of my dearest friends in the world.
00:39:57.352 --> 00:39:58.720
And henry, when henry and tory got married, at their wedding,
00:39:58.720 --> 00:40:01.423
It was so beautiful because before they took their vows, the
00:40:01.423 --> 00:40:05.460
Parents came up, both sets of parents, and the prayer was over
00:40:05.460 --> 00:40:09.464
Them to release henry and to release tory into this new life.
00:40:09.464 --> 00:40:14.803
Naomi: release us.
00:40:14.803 --> 00:40:16.505
Release us.
00:40:16.505 --> 00:40:18.273
Sheila: it felt so right.
00:40:18.273 --> 00:40:19.975
There was something about it, you know, it's like them both
00:40:19.975 --> 00:40:22.477
Acknowledging that, you know, we're bringing what to the
00:40:22.477 --> 00:40:26.181
Table, but now this is this new one in christ and so we're
00:40:26.181 --> 00:40:29.584
Backing off.
00:40:29.584 --> 00:40:30.952
I thought it was really a beautiful thing.
00:40:30.952 --> 00:40:32.287
Kirsten: that was a great idea.
00:40:32.287 --> 00:40:35.056
Nicole: you know, i'm blessed to say that i had such a beautiful
00:40:35.056 --> 00:40:39.561
Relationship with my in-laws, my mother and father-in-law, who
00:40:39.561 --> 00:40:42.464
Are now in heaven with the lord, and you know, my husband had a
00:40:42.464 --> 00:40:47.335
Big family, a lot of siblings and i didn't.
00:40:47.335 --> 00:40:50.138
So it was like it was always so much fun to go to holidays
00:40:50.138 --> 00:40:53.675
Together with his family, his parents, and all of his family
00:40:53.675 --> 00:40:57.646
Because it was just like a big party.
00:40:57.646 --> 00:40:59.514
You know, so i think a lot of times we hear that it's like, oh
00:40:59.514 --> 00:41:02.951
So negative dealing with the in-laws, you know, i just, i'm
00:41:02.951 --> 00:41:05.654
Here to say that it can be a wonderful addition to your life
00:41:05.654 --> 00:41:11.993
And i'm grateful.
00:41:11.993 --> 00:41:13.361
I'm grateful for the relationships i had with them.
00:41:13.361 --> 00:41:16.364
You know, we didn't see them even every week necessarily.
00:41:16.364 --> 00:41:21.836
There was a period of time where we lived states apart, but then
00:41:21.836 --> 00:41:24.806
For the last 15 years or so of their lives we did live near
00:41:24.806 --> 00:41:29.344
Each other.
00:41:29.344 --> 00:41:30.712
And it was just wonderful.
00:41:30.712 --> 00:41:32.047
We would take our kids to go see them and visit but i just wanna
00:41:32.047 --> 00:41:35.383
Say you can if you maybe, you know, maybe you're not married
00:41:35.383 --> 00:41:38.587
Yet and you're like oh i don't know the in-laws situation i've
00:41:38.587 --> 00:41:41.489
Heard stories.
00:41:41.489 --> 00:41:43.291
It could be a beautiful thing and it was, it was in my life.
00:41:43.291 --> 00:41:47.329
Sheila: a question from viwe who's watching us from
00:41:47.329 --> 00:41:50.665
South africa.
00:41:50.665 --> 00:41:52.000
Don't you love that?
00:41:52.000 --> 00:41:53.368
We love that.
00:41:53.368 --> 00:41:54.703
And this is her question.
00:41:54.703 --> 00:41:56.071
"i'm the only christian in my family.
00:41:56.071 --> 00:41:57.405
I've been praying for them to know god and receive the gift
00:41:57.405 --> 00:41:59.474
Of salvation.
00:41:59.474 --> 00:42:00.942
How do you stay connected with family when your principles and
00:42:00.942 --> 00:42:04.512
Values are completely different."
00:42:04.512 --> 00:42:08.116
Nicole: i shared earlier in the week, i have a brother who's
00:42:08.116 --> 00:42:10.585
Older than me, who does not walk with the lord.
00:42:10.585 --> 00:42:12.754
He's married and has a beautiful family, two children, and we
00:42:12.754 --> 00:42:17.926
Don't share faith, which is, you know, of course, the absolute
00:42:17.926 --> 00:42:21.062
Center of my life.
00:42:21.062 --> 00:42:22.631
And we don't live near each other.
00:42:22.631 --> 00:42:24.065
I mean, so this may not, all these things may not
00:42:24.065 --> 00:42:26.134
Apply, right?
00:42:26.134 --> 00:42:27.469
But we're in different states, but we love each other dearly.
00:42:27.469 --> 00:42:32.007
There are certain things i don't, you know, certain topics
00:42:32.007 --> 00:42:35.443
We don't talk about.
00:42:35.443 --> 00:42:36.778
I mean, he knows my life of, you know, serving the lord, and he,
00:42:36.778 --> 00:42:42.083
You know, he honors it and i, you know, continue to pray and
00:42:42.083 --> 00:42:46.054
Believe, of course, we're gonna get to that on this question
00:42:46.054 --> 00:42:48.423
Because continuing to pray and know that even if that family
00:42:48.423 --> 00:42:52.861
Member or friend is 65-years-old or whatever like there is no
00:42:52.861 --> 00:42:56.698
Limitation to when or how the lord reveals himself to them.
00:42:56.698 --> 00:43:02.070
So holding on to that.
00:43:02.070 --> 00:43:04.005
But we have beautiful connection and family relationship, even
00:43:04.005 --> 00:43:08.576
Though, you know, we see each other probably a few times
00:43:08.576 --> 00:43:11.346
A year, but we, you know, we talk a lot now, especially after
00:43:11.346 --> 00:43:15.550
My dad passed and with mom and just kind of, you know,
00:43:15.550 --> 00:43:18.486
Touching base.
00:43:18.486 --> 00:43:19.854
It's just the two of us and there's a mutual like honor and
00:43:19.854 --> 00:43:22.590
Respect there even though we have, you know, different
00:43:22.590 --> 00:43:26.261
Viewpoint on faith and everything.
00:43:26.261 --> 00:43:28.663
But it's a great, it's a great relationship.
00:43:28.663 --> 00:43:31.032
I continue to contend and even though it's been, you
00:43:31.032 --> 00:43:33.668
Know, years.
00:43:33.668 --> 00:43:35.003
I mean, he walked with the lord at a certain point and then in
00:43:35.003 --> 00:43:36.938
His 20s kind of, you know, went another direction and so i mean
00:43:36.938 --> 00:43:40.375
It's been 30 years or, you know, and so but we hold on to
00:43:40.375 --> 00:43:45.180
Faith that.
00:43:45.180 --> 00:43:47.115
So and my sister-in-law is an incredibly accomplished woman
00:43:47.115 --> 00:43:50.218
And just amazing.
00:43:50.218 --> 00:43:51.553
I mean, we love to spend time with them.
00:43:51.553 --> 00:43:53.254
We'll go out to where they live and spend time or they we'll do
00:43:53.254 --> 00:43:56.524
A big, you know, holiday together.
00:43:56.524 --> 00:43:58.259
I don't know that's my experience, you know.
00:43:58.259 --> 00:44:01.429
Sheila: it's interesting what peter says in his first letter
00:44:01.429 --> 00:44:03.598
'cause i sometimes get questions from people saying.
00:44:03.598 --> 00:44:06.968
You know, "my husband's not a believer, so what do i do?"
00:44:06.968 --> 00:44:10.205
And i always turn to this 1 peter chapter 3 where it talks
00:44:10.205 --> 00:44:13.208
About wives.
00:44:13.208 --> 00:44:14.542
It says, "in the same way you wives must accept the authority
00:44:14.542 --> 00:44:17.579
Of your husbands, then even if some refuse to obey the good
00:44:17.579 --> 00:44:20.448
News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words.
00:44:20.448 --> 00:44:25.353
They will be won over by observing your pure and
00:44:25.353 --> 00:44:27.555
Reverent lives.
00:44:27.555 --> 00:44:29.491
There's something in that that i think is really powerful because
00:44:29.491 --> 00:44:32.594
I know a lot of women who maybe came to faith after marriage and
00:44:32.594 --> 00:44:36.064
Now, you know, the husband's not, and it's like they'll leave
00:44:36.064 --> 00:44:38.933
The bible open on his pillow and they'll do all sorts of things
00:44:38.933 --> 00:44:42.137
Trying to--
00:44:42.137 --> 00:44:43.505
Elyse: wake up and they're anointing him with oil
00:44:43.505 --> 00:44:44.839
Praying around.
00:44:44.839 --> 00:44:46.207
Kirsten: don't mind me.
00:44:46.207 --> 00:44:47.542
Don't mind me.
00:44:47.542 --> 00:44:48.977
Sheila: but there's something about the power of living
00:44:48.977 --> 00:44:51.813
A godly life and there's something about being in love.
00:44:51.813 --> 00:44:56.151
When you are in love, you don't have to talk about it.
00:44:56.151 --> 00:44:59.354
I mean, you don't even, it just, it kind of shines through you.
00:44:59.354 --> 00:45:01.956
That i would simply say if you're the only believer in your
00:45:01.956 --> 00:45:04.125
Family, fall more and more and more in love with jesus.
00:45:04.125 --> 00:45:08.463
Because i think there's something about that that spills
00:45:08.463 --> 00:45:11.132
Over and splashes on to other people that you're not trying
00:45:11.132 --> 00:45:14.702
To, you know, coerce them into something.
00:45:14.702 --> 00:45:18.039
It's just this glorious example of this is what it looks like
00:45:18.039 --> 00:45:21.609
When you love jesus.
00:45:21.609 --> 00:45:23.978
Kirsten: and pick and choose your places 'cause it says,
00:45:23.978 --> 00:45:25.780
"your principles and values are complete."
00:45:25.780 --> 00:45:28.183
So which values and principles are we talking about?
00:45:28.183 --> 00:45:30.385
Those are maybe areas that you don't need to be doing the
00:45:30.385 --> 00:45:33.188
Things, but find the places where you can shine.
00:45:33.188 --> 00:45:35.957
But don't feel like just because they're family, you have to be a
00:45:35.957 --> 00:45:38.026
Part of everything when something is really bumping
00:45:38.026 --> 00:45:40.662
Against your value.
00:45:40.662 --> 00:45:42.163
I would say be wise.
00:45:42.163 --> 00:45:44.032
Have wisdom.
00:45:44.032 --> 00:45:45.400
Nicole: and she says, "i'm the only christian in my family."
00:45:45.400 --> 00:45:47.001
So of course we would say be sure you're connected to the
00:45:47.001 --> 00:45:50.405
Family of god in a church that you have, you know.
00:45:50.405 --> 00:45:53.608
Elyse: it also makes me think of like elijah when he was
00:45:53.608 --> 00:45:55.210
Like, "i'm the only one that's still serving you."
00:45:55.210 --> 00:45:56.744
And i'm not saying that that this person isn't the only one
00:45:56.744 --> 00:45:58.913
At all.
00:45:58.913 --> 00:46:00.281
I'm just saying sometimes it can feel like we have no values that
00:46:00.281 --> 00:46:02.183
Are the same because they're not christians.
00:46:02.183 --> 00:46:03.785
I'm like, well, clearly you value family and clearly family
00:46:03.785 --> 00:46:06.888
Values family.
00:46:06.888 --> 00:46:08.223
Finding a common ground will make it easier to spend that
00:46:08.223 --> 00:46:13.094
Time with them.
00:46:13.094 --> 00:46:14.429
And i think that you nailed it with that your witness, your
00:46:14.429 --> 00:46:17.265
Life, your life is the sermon, your life is the evidence.
00:46:17.265 --> 00:46:22.537
Kirsten: for family members that don't know the lord, we should
00:46:22.537 --> 00:46:24.572
Just pray a lot because i think about even the ones in my own
00:46:24.572 --> 00:46:27.976
Family that don't know jesus or say they know jesus and whatever
00:46:27.976 --> 00:46:33.047
That looks like, it's just all i can do again when we talked
00:46:33.047 --> 00:46:36.384
About community is invite them into our space and just love
00:46:36.384 --> 00:46:41.356
On them.
00:46:41.356 --> 00:46:42.690
Love on them well, let them see our family and it's not perfect,
00:46:42.690 --> 00:46:46.995
But let them see that we are trying to do something different
00:46:46.995 --> 00:46:50.698
Than maybe they are and then they're asking questions.
00:46:50.698 --> 00:46:52.800
So it's just really just being able to be with the family that
00:46:52.800 --> 00:46:56.638
Doesn't know jesus and then be ready.
00:46:56.638 --> 00:46:58.573
Like, the bible says be ready to give an account.
00:46:58.573 --> 00:47:01.943
Just be ready to not shove anything down in one's face, but
00:47:01.943 --> 00:47:06.314
Just be ready to embrace and be praying for those
00:47:06.314 --> 00:47:09.450
Family members.
00:47:09.450 --> 00:47:10.818
I mean, even now my kids who are saved, they're like, does that
00:47:10.818 --> 00:47:13.054
Mean this family member is not going to heaven?
00:47:13.054 --> 00:47:15.189
And i'm like, yeah, i said, "they got to know the lord."
00:47:15.189 --> 00:47:19.360
So then it invites our kids into praying for those family members
00:47:19.360 --> 00:47:23.264
Or asking them questions.
00:47:23.264 --> 00:47:24.632
And so i think it's just really hard to know how to navigate,
00:47:24.632 --> 00:47:29.470
But the best way to do is to love god and love others.
00:47:29.470 --> 00:47:32.307
So that's all we're called to do.
00:47:32.307 --> 00:47:34.709
Naomi: i've seen that i have a spiritual daughter and she came
00:47:34.709 --> 00:47:37.512
To faith with me, only person in her family saved.
00:47:37.512 --> 00:47:41.816
And i had to counsel her through that.
00:47:41.816 --> 00:47:43.484
And i'm like, i don't know 'cause i live in
00:47:43.484 --> 00:47:45.219
A christian world.
00:47:45.219 --> 00:47:46.554
Everything's christian.
00:47:46.554 --> 00:47:47.922
And, you know, but really it was, we're gonna pray for them.
00:47:47.922 --> 00:47:51.259
Like, we spent a lot of time praying for them and she had to
00:47:51.259 --> 00:47:53.828
Take time away, you know, because there were moments where
00:47:53.828 --> 00:47:56.831
She was not even just tempted to do the wrong thing, but there
00:47:56.831 --> 00:48:00.868
Were some accusations that people were reminding her of her
00:48:00.868 --> 00:48:03.838
Past and her old life and it was actually healthier for her to
00:48:03.838 --> 00:48:07.976
Actually separate and come away and gain some family and friends
00:48:07.976 --> 00:48:12.046
In the family of god.
00:48:12.046 --> 00:48:13.414
And so she had to spend maybe three years, three to five years
00:48:13.414 --> 00:48:18.720
Developing a life in her new family, right, that she had been
00:48:18.720 --> 00:48:22.457
Adopted into and now she's going back.
00:48:22.457 --> 00:48:24.692
My mom's coming to church and, you know, once you've built up
00:48:24.692 --> 00:48:28.496
Something with jesus, then you can have actually something
00:48:28.496 --> 00:48:30.631
Really to bring back.
00:48:30.631 --> 00:48:32.300
And so, yeah.
00:48:32.300 --> 00:48:33.634
Sheila: so good girls.
00:48:33.634 --> 00:48:35.003
Awesome.
00:48:35.003 --> 00:48:36.337
It's been a great week.
00:48:36.337 --> 00:48:37.672
Let's just thank the lord and commit our family to him.
00:48:37.672 --> 00:48:42.176
Lord, we're so grateful, so grateful for even just the
00:48:42.176 --> 00:48:45.947
Freedom to sit here in this room and to talk about you, you know,
00:48:45.947 --> 00:48:51.352
To read your word, to worship you.
00:48:51.352 --> 00:48:54.756
And we think of some of our viewers who are watching in
00:48:54.756 --> 00:48:56.758
Places where they don't have that freedom.
00:48:56.758 --> 00:48:59.627
Where they're not surrounded by christian community.
00:48:59.627 --> 00:49:02.930
Lord, the greatest thing you did was when you came and you
00:49:02.930 --> 00:49:08.136
Sacrificed your life and you paid for the sin of the world so
00:49:08.136 --> 00:49:13.174
That we could be adopted into your family.
00:49:13.174 --> 00:49:16.544
And lord to be part of your family has changed everything.
00:49:16.544 --> 00:49:21.883
So lord, we want to thank you for this week.
00:49:21.883 --> 00:49:23.584
I wanna thank you for all our viewers.
00:49:23.584 --> 00:49:26.521
For those who are in good places, we celebrate with them.
00:49:26.521 --> 00:49:29.924
For those who are in challenging places, we stand with them and
00:49:29.924 --> 00:49:32.994
Say, hold on.
00:49:32.994 --> 00:49:35.029
But lord, we just ask that as we move into another week that you
00:49:35.029 --> 00:49:38.933
Would help us keep our eyes fixed on jesus, who both began
00:49:38.933 --> 00:49:43.771
And finished this race that we are in.
00:49:43.771 --> 00:49:46.607
We ask in his powerful name, amen.
00:49:46.607 --> 00:49:52.947
Laurie: connect with us on social media and let us know how
00:49:53.014 --> 00:49:55.416
Our team can pray for you.
00:49:55.416 --> 00:49:58.019
Sheila: from the moment i knew i was pregnant, it was like
00:50:01.689 --> 00:50:04.659
I prayed for christian and i prayed that from the moment that
00:50:04.659 --> 00:50:07.595
He took his first breath, that he would be on this path toward
00:50:07.595 --> 00:50:12.166
Knowing jesus as his own personal savior.
00:50:12.166 --> 00:50:15.002
And, you know, he went through a couple of stages, i think when
00:50:15.002 --> 00:50:18.272
He was around about 18 and 19, when he just for a time, he just
00:50:18.272 --> 00:50:21.642
Kind of backed away.
00:50:21.642 --> 00:50:22.977
But i think when we combine the power of the holy spirit with
00:50:22.977 --> 00:50:25.980
A mother's prayers, you have a dynamite combination.
00:50:25.980 --> 00:50:30.318
So if you have somebody in your family who you love who's
00:50:30.318 --> 00:50:32.353
Wandered away, don't give up hope.
00:50:32.353 --> 00:50:34.722
A lifetime is not too long to pray and watch to see what god
00:50:34.722 --> 00:50:38.092
Will do.
00:50:38.092 --> 00:50:40.461
Laurie: stream full episodes of "better together" on demand.
00:50:40.528 --> 00:50:44.365
Go to bettertogether.tv to stream all of our
00:50:44.365 --> 00:50:47.101
Latest conversations.
00:50:47.101 --> 00:50:48.803
♪♪♪
00:50:48.803 --> 00:50:48.803

When Family Needs Tough Love - Episode 1080

July 18, 2025 | S7 E1080 | 52:34

Closed captions

Share