Better Together

When Your Relationships Change - Episode 1114

November 6, 2025 | S7 E1114 | 52:34

Some relationships last a lifetime, while others end as seasons change. If you are grieving the loss of a friendship, there is hope. God is faithful to mend the brokenhearted and reveal His purpose amid our pain. | TBN Prayer Line: 714-731-1000

#Relationships #Change #SpiritualGrowth #Overcoming #Wisdom #BrokenHeart #Grief #Pain #Betrayal #Rejection #Forgiveness #Purpose #Repentance #Surrender #Transition #Reconciliation

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Better Together | When Your Relationships Change - Episode 1114 | November 6, 2025

- if you are grieving the loss of a close relationship,
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Today's conversation is for you.
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God holds the key to healing the brokenhearted.
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Come on, join us.
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[music]
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- my husband and i went through a big transition.
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And when you're at a church for 20 years,
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Whether you meant to or not, pretty much all of your
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Relationships are from that place.
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And of course, we always tried to be very involved in the
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Community.
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So, we would also have the moms from the soccer team,
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Or the football team, or the whatever.
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We would try to dance, you know, team or whatever.
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But in general, the people we did life with were people
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Through the church.
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So, when you are a congregant at the church,
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And let's say your husband is a dentist, if his job changes,
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Nothing about your church life has to change.
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He goes and he has a dentist practice somewhere else.
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But when your husband's job is at the church,
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And that job changes, and you're no longer at that church,
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You feel like you've lost everything.
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Every relationship that you develop for 20 years feels like
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It's changing or at least altered in some way.
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And so, that's really our experience.
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And so, we are three years almost removed from that
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Transition, which is hard to believe.
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And this is what's so great about hindsight.
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All the way through it all, anytime there's transition,
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And people can encourage you along the way,
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You're gonna look back one day, and you're gonna see all that
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God was doing, and you're like, "i can't even
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Receive that right now.
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This feels painful.
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And i'm sitting here three years later,
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And there is so much in the last three years that i would be so
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Devastated and heartbroken to have not experienced,
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And i would not have had the transition not happen.
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So, i'm so grateful for it.
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But the one area that has been difficult to reconcile is what
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It looked like to lose relationships.
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One thing that was hard, and i don't know if this will minister
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To somebody who's listening, you can,
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Especially maybe in a work situation,
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Develop relationships with people that you feel are
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Friendship relationships, and you find out later they really
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Were more transactional.
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That's really painful when you find that out.
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But this is the thing.
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So, when we transitioned out of the church and we kind of had to
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Do what we call our start our new life,
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We didn't move a lot of times.
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If you move out of one church, it's because you're sent to
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Another location, or another church,
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Or something out of the city, or state, or something.
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That's not the case for us.
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We did not feel like the lord was calling us to move.
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So, we are planted in the same city that we've been for 20
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Years, but we have a whole new life there.
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Very unique with a whole new church and a new set of
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Body of believers.
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And so, what ends up happening is you feel really in this kind
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Of muddy world that every place you go is a remembrance of the
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Life you had, even though god has a brand new life for you.
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And i think what was interesting is when our
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Transition happened, my husband got a word from the lord that
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Was so helpful to us.
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It was actually a dream he had, kind of a vision.
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And so, what the vision was is the lord showed him a box,
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And it was it was his heart.
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It was like a big cavern, and it was in the very back
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Of his heart.
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It was like if you can imagine a cavern,
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But it was in his heart.
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And it was this little box in the very, very back,
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And it was full of dust, and cobwebs, and all of that.
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And the lord said, "i want you to bring that box to me.
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So, in the vision, he has himself reaching for that dusty
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Box, and he starts blowing on it, getting the cobwebs off.
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And as he did, the box said faith on it.
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And the lord said, "i am moving you and blynda into a season
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Where faith is now going to be at the forefront of your life.
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And everything you do from here,
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Everything you walk out from here,
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Will be exercising this gift of faith that you didn't recognize
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Had gone a little untouched in your very comfortable life.
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Not that, of course, we're always living by faith,
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But there was just an aspect of how we lived that did not
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Require the kind of faith that the last three
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Years has required.
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And part of that was the faith to believe that god would bring
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Or restore relationships, because everything
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Felt like loss.
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Now, you can experience loss financially.
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When you change jobs, there's a lot of loss.
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But for us, because we're people people,
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The loss of relationship felt devastating.
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And so, when we got that word, even though we knew, of course,
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We're going to have to have faith for just literally how do
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We eat, how do we pay bills, how do we all of that,
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It was believing that he would restore relationships to us.
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I'm going to be your friend for life.
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And to find out that that maybe isn't the case with--
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And really, i don't even want to disparage anybody.
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Sometimes, it's what god's doing to change
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The relationship.
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It was useful for a time, but it is not what he's wanting for
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You in the next season.
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You know, because ours was about a job and a transition in
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That way, there were just some relationships that just weren't
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Going to be able to continue.
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It was just obvious the way that that happened.
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And then, some of it was proximity.
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I'm no longer in a close proximity to those
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People anymore.
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I have a life here, they have a life.
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- one of the hardest things in life is knowing that not all
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Relationships can be repaired.
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We do everything we can, like if there's been some kind of
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Break in a relationship and we feel that we might be at fault,
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Then we go to that person, we sit down, and we say,
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"hey, listen.
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Talk to me.
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I've done that a couple of times with people i was really
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Close to and there was a break.
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And one of the times the person said, "you know what?
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Actually, honestly, this was me.
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I'm sorry.
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The second time, the person just basically said,
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"i don't want to be your friend anymore.
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And at that point, all you can do is release that person and
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Make sure that there's no bitterness left in your heart
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Because that's just not good for you.
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It's not good for your relationship with the lord.
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Sometimes you have to just let go.
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- when people are watching today,
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What i would hope that they would get when we're all talking
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Is an understanding that just because god has changed your
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Season, moved you into a season, and just because that means that
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Possibly relationships have also changed,
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That actually doesn't necessarily mean that either of
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You are bad or wrong.
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I think about in acts, acts 15.
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There's the story about paul and barnabas have a
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Disagreement.
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And it even says here, this is acts 15, 37.
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"barnabas wanted to take john, also called mark, with them,
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But paul did not think it wise to take him,
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Because he had deserted them in pamphylia and had not continued
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With them in the work.
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They had such a sharp disagreement that they
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Parted company.
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Barnabas took mark and sailed for cyprus,
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But paul chose silas and left, commended by the believers to
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The grace of the lord.
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He went through syria and cilicia,
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Strengthening the churches.
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So, here are two men of god, they have a disagreement,
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They decide to part ways, and they part ways and both increase
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The gospel because they have gone their separate ways.
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And i just think sometimes we don't think of it that way,
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That god can use a splitting of a relationship or changing of a
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Relationship to do the work in you that he needs done,
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And to do the work in you, and we're increasing the spread
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Of the gospel.
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So, i'm curious what you think about that, though,
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Because this is one thing about it when i read this.
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I go, "these are men.
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When i read it, "i go, well, these are men.
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And they don't have the emotional attachment all the
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Time that women do to friendship.
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If this were female names, i would have thought there would
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Have been some tears we would have read about.
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We would have been reading about something.
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Somebody's writing in her diary.
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Somebody is writing something or saying something because
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Emotionally, we connect more in friendship.
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So, when a relationship changes, it's a lot harder.
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It is a lot harder.
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So, how have you experienced changes in relationship?
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And how have you reconciled that that's part of
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Changing seasons?
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- i'm still processing that with one relationship.
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There was a girl i was really, really close to.
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We hung out, we did all sorts of stuff together.
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If i was--
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Sometimes i would be--
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If i was flying off to speak somewhere and it was a fun
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Place, i would take her with me.
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We'd go, and we'd hang another extra day and do fun things.
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And then, my life shifted a little bit to being more
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Committed on certain days of the week.
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And i think twice i had to cancel a coffee date.
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And then, she asked if we could sit down and talk, and she said,
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"i just don't feel you value me anymore.
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And i was like, "oh, i promise you,
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I'm so sorry if that's how it feels.
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You know, it just, i had to be--
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I had to do this thing.
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I thought i would be free.
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But it's actually broken the relationship,
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And we don't have reconciliation yet.
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And i've tried a couple of things but i've come to a place
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Where it's like, i can't make somebody, you know,
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Want to come around and, i mean, i can say,
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"i'm so sorry this hurt you,
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Because i genuinely didn't realize that that really hurt
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Her, but that she feels that i don't think she's
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Important anymore.
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And i don't know what to do about that, you know?
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- i've had a similar situation with someone i consider to be
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My best friend.
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And it was interesting because my life has definitely shifted
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Since we became friends.
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When we first became friends, we were both
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Relatively stationary.
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I was working in the city, and my career took off.
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I started to travel more, then ministry kind of happened.
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I'm traveling for ministry, but whenever i'd be at home,
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We would go out for dinner or something to get together.
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And similarly, there were times i didn't cancel on her,
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But i would have to run late because something happened.
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And i would always let her know, like, an hour in advance.
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Like, "hey, you know, this meeting's running over.
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I'll need to push back a little bit.
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And she would always be like, "okay, yeah, fine, whatever.
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And then, one day, this was maybe four or five months ago,
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So not a long time ago.
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We've been friends for like 15 years at this point.
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And she says to me, she says, "you know,
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I just don't like the fact that you're late to things.
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And i remember being, i was like, "oh, it's not my intent.
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That's why i always let you know.
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But then, she went on to say that basically,
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We didn't need to be best friends.
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That was something i needed.
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And it was a very hurtful conversation
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Because i was just--
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It's like the kind of what's i guess not the wool fell from my
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Eyes, but it was like, i just was like, well,
00:10:59.838 --> 00:11:01.506
I thought i thought we were closer than this.
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I thought that our relationship could handle the change.
00:11:03.575 --> 00:11:06.845
And i realized then that it couldn't.
00:11:06.945 --> 00:11:10.482
And i've had to come to terms with that, too.
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It's like sometimes when the season changes,
00:11:12.517 --> 00:11:14.319
The relationship cannot change with the season.
00:11:14.319 --> 00:11:17.188
And that's so hard.
00:11:17.188 --> 00:11:19.591
- it's very hard.
00:11:19.591 --> 00:11:20.725
- it's hard.
00:11:20.725 --> 00:11:21.826
- i think it's easier sometimes in friends.
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Like, loyalty is a really beautiful quality,
00:11:24.395 --> 00:11:26.931
Right, with people.
00:11:26.931 --> 00:11:28.299
And sometimes i feel like it's easier to be for people to stay
00:11:28.299 --> 00:11:32.737
Loyal to you in your hard season.
00:11:32.737 --> 00:11:34.572
But then, when you get into a good season,
00:11:35.540 --> 00:11:39.310
That's when the real test of loyalty is.
00:11:39.310 --> 00:11:42.013
Can you release somebody and still be their friend?
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Or is there something in you that's--
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I mean, we all have to look at our own heart.
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Is there anything in you that's pulling back on a friendship
00:11:48.353 --> 00:11:51.055
Because there's some sort of jealousy or you want it to be
00:11:51.055 --> 00:11:54.259
What it was and it's never going to be that?
00:11:54.259 --> 00:11:56.227
So, well, yeah, that's a tricky thing is finding that friend who
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Can be loyal as you.
00:11:59.130 --> 00:12:01.432
- ooh, that's good.
00:12:01.533 --> 00:12:02.967
- and that's an interesting nuance that sometimes
00:12:03.067 --> 00:12:05.937
We don't think about.
00:12:05.937 --> 00:12:07.238
When you said that, it triggered something within me.
00:12:07.338 --> 00:12:09.007
It's true.
00:12:09.007 --> 00:12:10.241
It's like when things are going bad and i need an ear,
00:12:10.241 --> 00:12:12.343
I need somebody to pray with me, i need somebody to encourage me,
00:12:12.343 --> 00:12:16.147
It's like i'm right there.
00:12:16.147 --> 00:12:17.382
But when all is well and you're increasing, it's like,
00:12:17.482 --> 00:12:21.019
Can you stay loyal there too when the access changes?
00:12:21.019 --> 00:12:25.323
- when we experience loss in our lives, the truth is, always,
00:12:25.423 --> 00:12:29.694
We should grieve.
00:12:29.794 --> 00:12:31.129
It doesn't matter if that loss is because of death of someone
00:12:31.129 --> 00:12:34.065
You love, a loss as a career that you thought you'd have or a
00:12:34.065 --> 00:12:37.569
Job that you thought you'd have for a while, a marriage,
00:12:37.569 --> 00:12:40.171
Because when a marriage dissolves,
00:12:40.271 --> 00:12:41.439
That's a form of death, friendship.
00:12:41.539 --> 00:12:43.641
We have to allow ourselves to grieve and lament loss.
00:12:43.641 --> 00:12:47.412
It's a part of the human condition to lament and be sad
00:12:47.412 --> 00:12:53.318
Over the things that we lose that we did not expect losing or
00:12:53.418 --> 00:12:56.187
We hoped that we would have longer than we did.
00:12:56.187 --> 00:12:59.490
When you don't allow yourself to grieve, you allow the grief,
00:12:59.591 --> 00:13:03.127
Which doesn't go away, to set up shop in your heart and your
00:13:03.127 --> 00:13:06.598
Soul, and that can become infected,
00:13:06.598 --> 00:13:09.167
Sadness that colors the way you see the world,
00:13:09.167 --> 00:13:11.970
Or bitterness that takes root.
00:13:11.970 --> 00:13:13.671
So, it's so important when circumstances have shifted in
00:13:13.671 --> 00:13:16.407
Your life, particularly in relationships,
00:13:16.407 --> 00:13:18.943
That you allow yourself to feel the loss, experience the lament,
00:13:19.043 --> 00:13:23.047
And grieve.
00:13:23.448 --> 00:13:24.649
It's okay to bleed a little bit.
00:13:24.749 --> 00:13:26.584
It shows you you're alive.
00:13:26.584 --> 00:13:28.319
- part of that, too, is from just thinking about an example
00:13:28.419 --> 00:13:31.656
Of a friend that i have.
00:13:31.656 --> 00:13:32.991
Friendship, it's personality-driven too,
00:13:33.091 --> 00:13:36.761
But like this particular friend, she received a lot by being able
00:13:36.761 --> 00:13:40.798
To meet needs.
00:13:40.798 --> 00:13:42.667
And so, she needs to be needed.
00:13:42.767 --> 00:13:45.370
And so, a lot of the friendship that felt like, boy,
00:13:45.470 --> 00:13:48.973
She's such a servant-hearted friend, she's so whatever,
00:13:48.973 --> 00:13:51.509
Was really this need to be needed.
00:13:51.509 --> 00:13:53.344
So, if i ever didn't need her, it became more tense because it
00:13:53.344 --> 00:13:59.183
Didn't seem--
00:13:59.183 --> 00:14:00.318
I wasn't able to project, you know,
00:14:00.418 --> 00:14:03.288
Honor or value to her in the way that she needs it,
00:14:03.288 --> 00:14:07.025
If that makes sense.
00:14:07.558 --> 00:14:08.693
- that makes a lot of sense.
00:14:08.693 --> 00:14:09.794
Totally.
00:14:09.794 --> 00:14:10.929
Because it's painful.
00:14:10.929 --> 00:14:12.263
Like, and i sense in my spirit that somebody's watching this
00:14:12.263 --> 00:14:14.666
And they're walking through this right now, and they--
00:14:14.666 --> 00:14:17.368
It's not only painful, but there's an
00:14:17.468 --> 00:14:18.970
Element of resentment.
00:14:18.970 --> 00:14:21.873
You know, it's like, how could you--
00:14:21.973 --> 00:14:23.441
How could you abandon me?
00:14:23.441 --> 00:14:25.076
How could you walk away from me?
00:14:25.176 --> 00:14:26.444
I thought we were closer than this.
00:14:26.444 --> 00:14:28.813
How do you process that?
00:14:28.913 --> 00:14:30.415
The pain of the abandonment.
00:14:31.082 --> 00:14:32.984
Like, how do you process that?
00:14:32.984 --> 00:14:34.852
- messy.
00:14:34.852 --> 00:14:36.120
Yeah, so one of my dearest friends, just like the betrayal.
00:14:36.120 --> 00:14:38.056
You know, did things, something they should never
00:14:38.156 --> 00:14:40.391
Have done, right?
00:14:40.391 --> 00:14:41.526
It was very painful.
00:14:41.526 --> 00:14:42.760
And i remember having the choice to just back away or have
00:14:42.760 --> 00:14:48.833
That hard conversation, right?
00:14:49.534 --> 00:14:51.869
So, i flew around the world, i'm going to have this
00:14:51.869 --> 00:14:54.906
Conversation, and it didn't fix it, right?
00:14:54.906 --> 00:14:58.776
So, i guess for me, i go, i just have to be committed to the
00:14:58.776 --> 00:15:02.480
Long haul here.
00:15:02.947 --> 00:15:04.182
And it's never gonna be what it was.
00:15:04.182 --> 00:15:06.651
And i think sometimes that's where we get sentimental about
00:15:06.651 --> 00:15:09.520
The past, right?
00:15:09.520 --> 00:15:10.788
So, we look at what was, and it's never going to be that.
00:15:10.788 --> 00:15:14.459
Remember the crown and banner?
00:15:14.459 --> 00:15:15.560
It's never going to be that, right?
00:15:15.660 --> 00:15:18.296
So, am i willing to just accept this relationship for what it is
00:15:18.396 --> 00:15:21.566
Now and trust in god?
00:15:21.566 --> 00:15:23.801
And this is what's happened.
00:15:23.901 --> 00:15:25.136
I gave myself permission to grieve,
00:15:25.236 --> 00:15:27.171
Which i don't know that we often give ourselves permission to
00:15:27.171 --> 00:15:29.073
Grieve it, right?
00:15:29.073 --> 00:15:30.208
So, i remember crying, and crying to my husband,
00:15:30.208 --> 00:15:32.543
And just like, what?
00:15:32.543 --> 00:15:33.878
How could this happen?
00:15:33.878 --> 00:15:35.346
And then, it wasn't long then, god brought other sisters to my
00:15:35.446 --> 00:15:38.916
Heart, you know, into my world, and women, and then we, shoot,
00:15:38.916 --> 00:15:43.054
I get to do this show, and i get to meet new ones all the time.
00:15:43.054 --> 00:15:45.556
And so, another door opened, and i feel like that's how
00:15:45.656 --> 00:15:48.426
Gracious god is, right?
00:15:48.426 --> 00:15:51.229
And at the same time, i do feel like i never--
00:15:51.329 --> 00:15:55.566
I'm gonna burn a bridge with someone, right,
00:15:55.666 --> 00:15:58.469
When the bible says to be at peace with someone
00:15:58.469 --> 00:16:00.071
As much as you can.
00:16:00.071 --> 00:16:01.606
- you know when we named the show "better together,
00:16:01.706 --> 00:16:03.841
It was a reason because as humans,
00:16:03.841 --> 00:16:07.311
We actually are better together.
00:16:07.412 --> 00:16:08.746
As women, we actually are better together.
00:16:08.746 --> 00:16:11.082
And there is no way i could have gone through any of the
00:16:11.082 --> 00:16:14.485
Challenging seasons in my life without real friends.
00:16:14.485 --> 00:16:18.589
They're the ones who called in, you know, checked on me.
00:16:18.689 --> 00:16:21.893
They're the ones who would come to visit.
00:16:21.893 --> 00:16:24.095
They're the ones who took me to doctor's visits.
00:16:24.095 --> 00:16:26.297
They're also the ones who would challenge me if i started
00:16:26.297 --> 00:16:28.599
Complaining too much, by the way.
00:16:28.699 --> 00:16:30.368
So, there's just no way i could have navigated the transition
00:16:30.468 --> 00:16:34.405
That we made with the church, handing off that church without
00:16:34.405 --> 00:16:37.275
A group of friends around, just encouraging what they saw in me,
00:16:37.275 --> 00:16:39.544
What the future would hold, or just even transitions in life,
00:16:39.544 --> 00:16:43.714
Whether it's kids leaving and going on to pursue their dreams.
00:16:43.714 --> 00:16:46.584
There's no way i could have gotten through any of those
00:16:46.684 --> 00:16:49.087
Transitions in a healthy way without friends.
00:16:49.087 --> 00:16:51.823
- god wants us to do life together because
00:16:52.790 --> 00:16:55.193
We are better together.
00:16:55.193 --> 00:16:56.694
- connect with us on social media and share your favorite
00:16:56.694 --> 00:16:59.430
Moments from today.
00:16:59.430 --> 00:17:00.631
- we can't wait for you to join us.
00:17:00.731 --> 00:17:03.134
- let's keep the conversation going.
00:17:03.968 --> 00:17:06.170
You can find the "better together
00:17:06.270 --> 00:17:07.672
Podcast on your favorite listening platform.
00:17:07.672 --> 00:17:10.308
Subscribe today.
00:17:10.408 --> 00:17:14.992
[music]
00:17:15.013 --> 00:17:18.083
- how do you know when what you've given to reconcile or to
00:17:18.083 --> 00:17:23.055
Help the friendship or the relationship,
00:17:23.055 --> 00:17:25.290
How do you know when you're supposed to keep going,
00:17:25.290 --> 00:17:28.627
This is worth fighting for, this is valuable to you,
00:17:28.627 --> 00:17:31.663
Or the season has ended?
00:17:32.231 --> 00:17:34.600
- sometimes you just don't even get that option, though.
00:17:34.600 --> 00:17:36.735
Because with my friend, it was just a clear conversation of,
00:17:36.735 --> 00:17:40.105
You know, "i don't want to do this anymore.
00:17:40.105 --> 00:17:43.342
But for me, the only important thing that i was left with was
00:17:43.442 --> 00:17:46.378
Dealing with my own heart because i still
00:17:46.378 --> 00:17:49.181
Love that friend.
00:17:49.181 --> 00:17:50.282
I still love her.
00:17:50.282 --> 00:17:51.550
I still pray for her, actually, and pray for good things.
00:17:51.550 --> 00:17:55.787
To me, it's the long haul.
00:17:55.787 --> 00:17:57.623
It's like, i'm still believing that at some point
00:17:57.623 --> 00:17:59.391
Down the line.
00:17:59.391 --> 00:18:00.592
Now, do i think it'll ever be quite the way it was?
00:18:00.592 --> 00:18:02.027
Probably not.
00:18:02.127 --> 00:18:03.495
But i just want to make sure that there's nothing in my heart
00:18:03.595 --> 00:18:07.232
That i'm holding against that person and release them
00:18:07.332 --> 00:18:10.936
To the lord.
00:18:10.936 --> 00:18:12.271
- well, and there's also, it's important to know what is the
00:18:12.271 --> 00:18:15.207
Motivation behind pursuing reconciliation because sometimes
00:18:15.207 --> 00:18:19.244
We can pursue reconciliation because the breakup triggered
00:18:19.244 --> 00:18:23.815
Insecurity within us to where it's like, "oh my gosh,
00:18:23.815 --> 00:18:27.419
You know, what can i do to, you know,
00:18:27.519 --> 00:18:29.421
Be back in your good graces?"
00:18:29.421 --> 00:18:31.323
- oh, that's right.
00:18:31.323 --> 00:18:32.457
- and that's actually not healthy because if the
00:18:32.457 --> 00:18:34.826
Relationship does reconcile, you're gonna constantly be in
00:18:34.826 --> 00:18:37.996
This position of proving yourself.
00:18:37.996 --> 00:18:40.232
Like, i have to prove that i'm worthy of the relationship.
00:18:40.232 --> 00:18:42.968
And so, i think you do have to be very aware.
00:18:43.068 --> 00:18:45.137
It's like, why am i pursuing reconciliation?
00:18:45.137 --> 00:18:47.172
Is it because this has triggered something in me that
00:18:47.172 --> 00:18:50.042
Has made me feel like i'm not worthy or i'm not good enough?
00:18:50.042 --> 00:18:53.078
Or am i pursuing reconciliation because i do believe that this
00:18:53.178 --> 00:18:56.415
Relationship has value?
00:18:56.415 --> 00:18:57.849
And i want to be a contributor to the relationship.
00:18:57.849 --> 00:19:00.085
Because if reconciliation doesn't happen,
00:19:00.185 --> 00:19:02.321
At least i will have peace because it's not about me.
00:19:02.321 --> 00:19:05.791
It's not about what the relationship said about me.
00:19:05.891 --> 00:19:08.026
It's about the value that i thought the relationship had,
00:19:08.126 --> 00:19:10.829
And clearly, god made a different decision,
00:19:10.929 --> 00:19:12.497
And that person made a different decision, and i can accept that.
00:19:12.497 --> 00:19:14.700
But it's not about me.
00:19:14.800 --> 00:19:16.301
I think that's where the pain starts to bubble up.
00:19:16.401 --> 00:19:19.571
- sometimes relationships change,
00:19:20.405 --> 00:19:23.075
And it can be in a painful way.
00:19:23.175 --> 00:19:26.111
And i had that experience with somebody that i thought of as a
00:19:26.211 --> 00:19:29.147
Really good friend.
00:19:29.147 --> 00:19:30.249
I really loved her.
00:19:30.249 --> 00:19:31.516
And we would go to each other's homes, and have dinner,
00:19:31.516 --> 00:19:34.586
And we would meet for coffee, and talk over all of life.
00:19:34.586 --> 00:19:37.823
And if i was speaking somewhere, i'd say to her, "hey,
00:19:37.823 --> 00:19:40.459
You want to fly with me?
00:19:40.459 --> 00:19:41.593
Come with me,
00:19:41.593 --> 00:19:42.728
And we'd spend weekends together.
00:19:42.728 --> 00:19:43.829
But then when my life got a little busier,
00:19:43.829 --> 00:19:45.764
She said to me one day, "i don't think we can be friends anymore,
00:19:45.864 --> 00:19:48.267
Because when i really need you, you're not always around.
00:19:48.267 --> 00:19:51.536
And i did everything i knew to do in terms of sitting down and
00:19:51.637 --> 00:19:54.640
Saying, "look, please forgive me if i hurt you.
00:19:54.640 --> 00:19:56.808
And i never meant to not be there,
00:19:56.908 --> 00:19:58.810
But sometimes if i have to be in the studio,
00:19:58.810 --> 00:20:01.113
I have to be in the studio.
00:20:01.113 --> 00:20:02.214
And i'll always carve out time.
00:20:02.314 --> 00:20:03.949
But it was just--
00:20:04.416 --> 00:20:05.550
It was she'd come to a place where she had to say,
00:20:05.550 --> 00:20:07.519
"you know what?
00:20:07.519 --> 00:20:08.887
I get that, but this is not the kind of friendship that i really
00:20:08.887 --> 00:20:12.457
Want to invest in anymore.
00:20:12.457 --> 00:20:14.593
And i had to release that to the lord and make sure there was
00:20:14.593 --> 00:20:17.462
No anger, or no disappointment, or bitterness in my own heart
00:20:17.462 --> 00:20:20.799
And bless her in a new season.
00:20:20.899 --> 00:20:24.303
- i think i have, like, i have a visual forming about healing,
00:20:24.403 --> 00:20:29.675
And i think what you said earlier about grieving is super
00:20:29.675 --> 00:20:34.279
Important because i think we know to do that.
00:20:34.279 --> 00:20:36.548
Even if we don't do it well, we know to do that
00:20:36.648 --> 00:20:38.517
If somebody dies.
00:20:38.517 --> 00:20:40.052
But we don't know to do that in the same way if
00:20:40.052 --> 00:20:43.689
A relationship is dying.
00:20:43.689 --> 00:20:45.791
You know, we have to give ourselves permission for that.
00:20:45.891 --> 00:20:48.527
There are certain things that if i'm in a hospital and i'm
00:20:48.627 --> 00:20:53.031
Getting treated for something, whatever caused that,
00:20:53.031 --> 00:20:57.936
Do i go back to it?
00:20:58.036 --> 00:20:59.604
So, let's just say like, i am in the hospital and i need a
00:20:59.705 --> 00:21:04.209
Quintuple bypass, okay?
00:21:04.209 --> 00:21:05.844
Well, what caused that?
00:21:06.445 --> 00:21:07.879
It could be lifestyle choices.
00:21:07.979 --> 00:21:09.881
It could be work.
00:21:09.881 --> 00:21:11.450
So, i may go back to work, but i may go back
00:21:11.550 --> 00:21:14.786
To work differently.
00:21:14.786 --> 00:21:15.921
I can't choose to not go back to work,
00:21:15.921 --> 00:21:18.824
Even if that's a part of the healing process.
00:21:18.924 --> 00:21:21.093
But certain things i can choose not to,
00:21:21.193 --> 00:21:22.994
Like certain choices that i had.
00:21:23.095 --> 00:21:24.863
And i think we have to assess if something has put us in a
00:21:24.963 --> 00:21:27.999
Place where we need healing, are we supposed to go back to that?
00:21:27.999 --> 00:21:32.871
And so, when you're looking at relationships,
00:21:32.971 --> 00:21:35.707
I think a part of the decision factor is looking at how jesus,
00:21:35.807 --> 00:21:39.144
How his relationships were formed.
00:21:39.244 --> 00:21:41.680
Relationships had purpose.
00:21:41.680 --> 00:21:43.281
And while i know--
00:21:43.782 --> 00:21:44.883
I mean, somebody told me recently that i was
00:21:44.883 --> 00:21:46.952
Transactional, and i was like, "am i really?
00:21:46.952 --> 00:21:48.754
I don't think i'm transactional.
00:21:48.754 --> 00:21:50.222
So, i've been doing--
00:21:50.222 --> 00:21:51.390
I got all these tabs up on my computer right now.
00:21:51.390 --> 00:21:52.824
[laughter]
00:21:52.824 --> 00:21:54.192
With trying to understand what transactional relationships are
00:21:54.192 --> 00:21:57.796
Like, because i'm like, is that me?
00:21:57.796 --> 00:21:59.531
- i don't experience you at all.
00:21:59.531 --> 00:22:02.000
- that's what i'm saying.
00:22:02.000 --> 00:22:03.101
That's what i'm saying.
00:22:03.101 --> 00:22:04.436
But in effect you could look at jesus and say his relationships
00:22:04.536 --> 00:22:10.075
Were transactional in a sense, because while he was there to
00:22:10.075 --> 00:22:14.613
Build relationships and pour in, he also was like,
00:22:14.613 --> 00:22:17.115
"you 12 need to go and spread the gospel.
00:22:17.215 --> 00:22:19.284
Like you three are with me on the mountain for a reason.
00:22:19.384 --> 00:22:21.853
I'm talking to you on the hills.
00:22:21.953 --> 00:22:23.488
There was purpose, though, in it.
00:22:23.488 --> 00:22:25.190
So, i think you can separate transactional relationships
00:22:25.190 --> 00:22:27.726
From purpose.
00:22:27.726 --> 00:22:29.027
And so, going back to certain relationships or how you rebuild
00:22:29.127 --> 00:22:32.664
Certain relationships, i think, becomes a wrestling,
00:22:32.664 --> 00:22:36.735
For me anyway, with god of what is the purpose here?
00:22:36.835 --> 00:22:40.238
Because the purpose here is not just about serving me,
00:22:40.338 --> 00:22:42.808
Which is what transactional would be.
00:22:42.808 --> 00:22:44.943
The purpose can be that there's an outcome for a service to
00:22:44.943 --> 00:22:47.779
Others, or the furthering of your kingdom,
00:22:47.779 --> 00:22:49.915
Or bringing you glory.
00:22:49.915 --> 00:22:51.283
So, what is the purpose?
00:22:51.383 --> 00:22:52.517
Because that would then determine that some
00:22:52.517 --> 00:22:54.119
Relationships i go back to where i'm afraid to be hurt again.
00:22:54.119 --> 00:22:56.621
But there's purpose there.
00:22:57.255 --> 00:22:58.790
And it would determine that some relationships i don't go
00:22:58.790 --> 00:23:01.293
Back to, even though i really, really want to because the
00:23:01.293 --> 00:23:04.496
Season has ended and the purpose has been completed.
00:23:04.496 --> 00:23:07.365
So, stay in the hospital--
00:23:07.365 --> 00:23:09.234
- actually, that's what it is for me when you
00:23:09.234 --> 00:23:11.069
Said it like that.
00:23:11.069 --> 00:23:12.170
I never thought about it like that.
00:23:12.170 --> 00:23:13.972
- when you're in the hospital though,
00:23:13.972 --> 00:23:15.307
Because that's when we have to think about these things, right,
00:23:15.307 --> 00:23:16.908
That's when we feel the pain.
00:23:16.908 --> 00:23:18.510
That's the moment where you go, "how did i get here?
00:23:18.610 --> 00:23:21.613
What happened?
00:23:21.613 --> 00:23:23.348
There was obviously some injury to them or to me.
00:23:23.348 --> 00:23:26.318
So, what do i do after is answered by what is
00:23:26.418 --> 00:23:29.321
The purpose in it?
00:23:29.321 --> 00:23:30.422
And i feel like jesus did that.
00:23:31.156 --> 00:23:34.292
Like, he clearly did that.
00:23:34.292 --> 00:23:35.861
You know, i think about judas, knowing that judas
00:23:35.961 --> 00:23:39.397
Would betray him.
00:23:39.397 --> 00:23:40.532
There's a lot of purpose in that.
00:23:40.532 --> 00:23:42.801
But one of them is, so now we know jesus is not a high priest
00:23:42.801 --> 00:23:45.770
Who can't be touched with our infirmity.
00:23:45.770 --> 00:23:47.305
We know that jesus knows what it was like to be betrayed and
00:23:47.405 --> 00:23:50.342
Still pour into someone who wasn't safe because i think in
00:23:50.342 --> 00:23:53.879
Our current, highly-therapized society,
00:23:53.879 --> 00:23:58.884
We are smitten with the idea of being with people who are safe.
00:23:58.984 --> 00:24:03.555
But that's not how relationships based on the
00:24:03.655 --> 00:24:06.591
Gospel are defined.
00:24:06.591 --> 00:24:07.959
They're defined with purpose.
00:24:07.959 --> 00:24:09.961
So, for me going back to those relationships,
00:24:10.061 --> 00:24:12.197
I'm having to ask myself and ask the lord.
00:24:12.197 --> 00:24:14.533
What is the purpose here?
00:24:14.633 --> 00:24:15.867
And that is primary.
00:24:15.967 --> 00:24:17.235
Secondary is whether i'm safe.
00:24:17.235 --> 00:24:19.604
Secondary is whether i want to.
00:24:19.704 --> 00:24:22.007
Secondary is even if i really want to and they don't,
00:24:22.107 --> 00:24:24.743
It's what is the purpose here?
00:24:24.843 --> 00:24:26.378
And there's lots of wisdom around that.
00:24:26.378 --> 00:24:27.679
That's why we need spiritual advisement because sometimes the
00:24:27.679 --> 00:24:31.516
Purpose has shifted and lifted, and someone else has to say,
00:24:31.516 --> 00:24:35.887
Like they had to say to me one season of my life,
00:24:36.955 --> 00:24:38.924
"he's no good for you.
00:24:38.924 --> 00:24:40.325
Like, there has been a shift.
00:24:40.325 --> 00:24:41.626
You can't even see it.
00:24:41.626 --> 00:24:42.894
You have to let that go.
00:24:43.461 --> 00:24:44.963
But i think we have to come back to purpose,
00:24:45.063 --> 00:24:46.831
Even when we have to invite wise counsel in to help us with that.
00:24:46.831 --> 00:24:50.702
- so, there are typically three durations of relationships.
00:24:50.802 --> 00:24:54.673
There are some relationships that happen
00:24:54.773 --> 00:24:56.174
For a reason, you know?
00:24:56.174 --> 00:24:58.176
There was something that you needed,
00:24:58.276 --> 00:24:59.844
And the lord brought the person to you in order
00:24:59.945 --> 00:25:01.780
To meet that need.
00:25:01.780 --> 00:25:02.981
The relationship was probably transactional in that case.
00:25:03.081 --> 00:25:06.651
Then, there are relationships that last for a lifetime.
00:25:06.651 --> 00:25:09.187
We hope that most of the relationships we have with our
00:25:09.287 --> 00:25:11.756
Family and our close friends will be that way,
00:25:11.756 --> 00:25:13.592
But they're not always that way because sometimes relationships
00:25:13.592 --> 00:25:16.061
Are just for a season.
00:25:16.061 --> 00:25:17.996
It means that while there are certain conditions in place,
00:25:18.096 --> 00:25:21.066
That relationship remains intact.
00:25:21.166 --> 00:25:22.801
But when those conditions change,
00:25:22.801 --> 00:25:25.103
The relationship will disintegrate.
00:25:25.203 --> 00:25:27.172
We have to not take it personally when seasons change.
00:25:27.272 --> 00:25:30.875
We just have to realize that there is purpose in the season
00:25:30.976 --> 00:25:34.079
Changing and seek god for what that purpose is.
00:25:34.079 --> 00:25:36.615
- but it's so hard because we can be sentimental, right?
00:25:36.615 --> 00:25:40.986
And so, i look back at
00:25:40.986 --> 00:25:42.887
- because we were getting something out of it.
00:25:42.887 --> 00:25:44.289
- yes.
00:25:44.289 --> 00:25:45.523
- but we can be getting something out of it that puts us
00:25:45.523 --> 00:25:46.825
In the hospital.
00:25:46.825 --> 00:25:47.926
- yes.
00:25:47.926 --> 00:25:49.060
- so that our--
00:25:49.060 --> 00:25:50.195
Because sentimental feeds us.
00:25:50.195 --> 00:25:51.830
- that's what i mean?
00:25:51.830 --> 00:25:53.598
You're convicting me right here.
00:25:53.698 --> 00:25:55.400
- so, it's like just because i'm getting something out of it
00:25:55.500 --> 00:25:58.436
Does not mean--
00:25:58.903 --> 00:26:00.739
You know, people drinking their cups of coffee every day.
00:26:00.839 --> 00:26:03.141
I had a friend who told me the lord had told her to lay down
00:26:03.141 --> 00:26:06.277
Coffee because she was praying and asking god for
00:26:06.277 --> 00:26:08.380
A solution to migraines.
00:26:08.380 --> 00:26:09.681
And she was like, "but i can't because when i don't have my
00:26:09.681 --> 00:26:11.149
Coffee, like, it throws me off.
00:26:11.149 --> 00:26:12.951
Like, i've tried to give it up, and whatever.
00:26:12.951 --> 00:26:15.153
And the lord kept saying, "lay down the coffee.
00:26:15.153 --> 00:26:16.855
She said, "i finally made the commitment because i felt like
00:26:16.955 --> 00:26:18.923
The holy spirit was saying,
00:26:18.923 --> 00:26:20.058
'this is what i want you to do.'
00:26:20.058 --> 00:26:21.259
And she had to go through that trial withdraw period,
00:26:21.259 --> 00:26:23.762
And then she was like all of a sudden,
00:26:23.762 --> 00:26:25.296
Her migraines dissipated so much so.
00:26:25.296 --> 00:26:28.333
So, he was telling her to lay down something that she felt
00:26:28.433 --> 00:26:31.036
That there was benefit in, and there was short term.
00:26:31.036 --> 00:26:33.438
But long-term, laying the thing down gave her greater benefit.
00:26:33.438 --> 00:26:38.243
And so, that's the question.
00:26:38.343 --> 00:26:39.811
Just because something is good out of this relationship doesn't
00:26:39.911 --> 00:26:43.782
Mean it holds purpose in the way that god wants purpose to be
00:26:43.782 --> 00:26:47.085
Provided this season in my life.
00:26:47.085 --> 00:26:48.319
- for me, with just the friendship i'm thinking about,
00:26:48.319 --> 00:26:50.121
It was phenomenal for a season and impacting for people.
00:26:50.121 --> 00:26:57.429
It was like there was a purpose and an impact for a season.
00:26:57.429 --> 00:27:00.632
So then, when there was pain caused,
00:27:00.632 --> 00:27:03.368
It shocked me because i thought we should
00:27:03.468 --> 00:27:05.837
Just keep playing this.
00:27:05.837 --> 00:27:06.971
Let's just keep doing this, right?
00:27:06.971 --> 00:27:09.007
So, that's actually helping me just how you articulated that.
00:27:09.007 --> 00:27:11.743
- some seasons in relationships without the hard thing that
00:27:11.743 --> 00:27:17.082
Often is shocking.
00:27:17.182 --> 00:27:18.450
Because if it's great, we're not gonna change it.
00:27:18.550 --> 00:27:21.853
It's not until you have the jolt that you're like, "whoa.
00:27:21.953 --> 00:27:26.825
Because you wouldn't--
00:27:26.925 --> 00:27:28.059
You know, it's like boiling crabs.
00:27:28.059 --> 00:27:29.360
You don't notice that you're boiling because it
00:27:29.360 --> 00:27:31.362
Happens so slowly.
00:27:31.362 --> 00:27:32.497
And some changes in relationships, for me,
00:27:32.497 --> 00:27:36.000
I would not even notice that the season had changed unless there
00:27:36.000 --> 00:27:39.504
Was a hard left turn.
00:27:39.504 --> 00:27:40.839
- and that is completely our experience.
00:27:40.839 --> 00:27:42.807
I mean, we--
00:27:42.807 --> 00:27:43.942
I say all the time, "we probably would have died
00:27:43.942 --> 00:27:46.377
At that place.
00:27:46.377 --> 00:27:47.512
I mean, we just would have stayed forever.
00:27:47.512 --> 00:27:48.646
We loved it.
00:27:48.646 --> 00:27:49.781
We loved what god was having us do there.
00:27:49.781 --> 00:27:51.583
But he had a different season and a different purpose for us.
00:27:51.683 --> 00:27:54.419
And we maybe lacked--
00:27:54.986 --> 00:27:56.955
We never felt like we were in disobedience when we were there.
00:27:56.955 --> 00:27:59.057
But maybe, in some regard, there was a lack of courage to
00:27:59.057 --> 00:28:02.393
Take the step, so we had to be jolted out of it.
00:28:02.393 --> 00:28:05.363
I'd like to think i'm not that hard-headed,
00:28:05.463 --> 00:28:06.998
But maybe, possibly.
00:28:06.998 --> 00:28:08.500
- and what if it's not even about being hard-headed?
00:28:08.500 --> 00:28:10.435
What if it's just that we're sheep, we have to be led,
00:28:10.535 --> 00:28:14.272
And we're gonna do the thing that we gravitate to doing,
00:28:14.372 --> 00:28:17.075
Unless somebody with a rod comes and says, "turn this way"?
00:28:17.175 --> 00:28:20.812
It doesn't mean bad, it just means--
00:28:21.679 --> 00:28:23.982
And i think i had--
00:28:24.082 --> 00:28:27.418
Maybe it's not just me.
00:28:28.019 --> 00:28:29.120
We have to learn to look back at the relationships
00:28:29.120 --> 00:28:32.690
And be grateful.
00:28:32.791 --> 00:28:34.592
- and it was glorious.
00:28:34.692 --> 00:28:35.827
- it was glorious.
00:28:35.827 --> 00:28:36.928
And lovely.
00:28:36.928 --> 00:28:38.062
- for the season, it was amazing.
00:28:38.062 --> 00:28:39.164
- and you're amazing.
00:28:39.164 --> 00:28:40.298
And it's okay that something's changed.
00:28:40.298 --> 00:28:41.432
Well, it's just like with your kids, right?
00:28:41.432 --> 00:28:42.667
So, when your kids leave your home, you're like,
00:28:42.667 --> 00:28:45.837
"oh, wait, wait.
00:28:45.837 --> 00:28:46.971
Wait, you're leaving?
00:28:47.071 --> 00:28:48.206
Like, wait, what?"
00:28:48.206 --> 00:28:49.574
- and if you fight to keep them in the seat that they were in
00:28:49.574 --> 00:28:53.111
During the season before they left your home,
00:28:53.111 --> 00:28:56.314
The relationship will actually not be good.
00:28:56.414 --> 00:28:58.249
- no, 100%.
00:28:58.249 --> 00:28:59.818
- you've got to let things change,
00:28:59.918 --> 00:29:02.821
Or else they're actually not good.
00:29:02.921 --> 00:29:06.057
- i want to encourage the person watching right now who is
00:29:06.157 --> 00:29:09.327
In a devastating situation, some sort of loss, a season change,
00:29:09.327 --> 00:29:13.965
A relational shift, and you're thinking,
00:29:13.965 --> 00:29:16.868
"there's no way that anything good can come from this.
00:29:16.868 --> 00:29:19.437
Maybe you were in a marriage that hasn't worked out,
00:29:19.537 --> 00:29:23.541
And you're going through a divorce.
00:29:23.541 --> 00:29:24.809
Maybe there's been a shift in relationships with your
00:29:24.909 --> 00:29:29.981
Children, or maybe with coworkers, or longtime friends.
00:29:29.981 --> 00:29:33.284
I mean, there's so many varied examples,
00:29:33.284 --> 00:29:36.154
But it looks hopeless or it looks like this grieving and
00:29:36.254 --> 00:29:40.792
This hardship will never be better.
00:29:40.792 --> 00:29:43.161
And in joel 2:25, it says, "i will repay you for the years the
00:29:43.161 --> 00:29:47.732
Locusts have eaten.
00:29:47.732 --> 00:29:48.933
And we also know in romans 8:28,
00:29:48.933 --> 00:29:50.735
"he works all things together for good.
00:29:50.735 --> 00:29:52.871
But i know we say these things, and it doesn't feel good right
00:29:52.871 --> 00:29:56.040
Now, so it's hard to see it.
00:29:56.040 --> 00:29:57.976
But the encouragement is this.
00:29:58.076 --> 00:30:00.812
Do not lose hope.
00:30:01.279 --> 00:30:04.215
Hope is the best gift that god has given you in this moment,
00:30:04.315 --> 00:30:09.454
The belief that better days are ahead.
00:30:09.554 --> 00:30:12.624
And this is what i know in times of grieving,
00:30:12.724 --> 00:30:15.460
In times that are dark and bleak,
00:30:15.560 --> 00:30:18.630
Those moments feel so long that you can't even imagine what a
00:30:18.730 --> 00:30:23.868
Month down the road, what three months,
00:30:23.968 --> 00:30:25.904
What a year is going to even look like.
00:30:25.904 --> 00:30:27.438
But i promise you, if you hold on,
00:30:27.438 --> 00:30:30.108
If you stay true to his word, if you lean on him,
00:30:30.108 --> 00:30:33.711
Put on some worship music, get into the word,
00:30:33.711 --> 00:30:36.748
Because i don't know what that relationship
00:30:36.848 --> 00:30:39.217
Is going to look like.
00:30:39.217 --> 00:30:40.318
It really may be that it's never mended.
00:30:40.318 --> 00:30:44.756
But that is okay to move on and to believe that god can restore
00:30:46.090 --> 00:30:52.664
What the locusts have eaten.
00:30:52.664 --> 00:30:55.199
- if you think about what a season is,
00:30:55.300 --> 00:30:57.635
A season is defined by a climate, right?
00:30:57.635 --> 00:31:01.406
Like, there are certain environmental conditions that
00:31:01.406 --> 00:31:05.109
Define the season.
00:31:05.610 --> 00:31:07.245
And because of that, there are certain things that can happen
00:31:07.245 --> 00:31:09.714
In one season that can't happen in another.
00:31:09.714 --> 00:31:11.516
So, to your point, it's like you can love snow.
00:31:11.616 --> 00:31:14.752
You can think snow is amazing.
00:31:14.852 --> 00:31:16.321
You can make beautiful snowballs, and you can be like,
00:31:16.421 --> 00:31:18.690
"i'm going to carry this into spring because i love snowballs.
00:31:18.690 --> 00:31:21.993
But you take it into spring, and it doesn't last because the
00:31:22.093 --> 00:31:24.028
Climate won't support it.
00:31:24.028 --> 00:31:25.363
And so, i think that is one of the indicators that a relational
00:31:25.363 --> 00:31:27.932
Season has changed because there are factors that served the
00:31:27.932 --> 00:31:31.803
Relationship that are no longer there.
00:31:31.803 --> 00:31:33.871
And one thing i wanted to mention,
00:31:33.871 --> 00:31:35.206
Because there are some people listening to this,
00:31:35.206 --> 00:31:36.941
We do a great job in the church of talking about forgiveness.
00:31:37.041 --> 00:31:40.678
We talk about forgiveness all the time.
00:31:40.778 --> 00:31:43.014
I think what we don't do a good job talking about, though,
00:31:43.114 --> 00:31:45.783
Is that if we want to have a healthy relationship,
00:31:45.783 --> 00:31:48.453
If you want to have the type of relationship where there's a
00:31:48.553 --> 00:31:50.955
Break and it can be reconciled, it can't just
00:31:50.955 --> 00:31:54.559
Be through forgiveness.
00:31:54.559 --> 00:31:56.194
Forgiveness alone is not what creates the opportunity
00:31:56.294 --> 00:31:59.430
For reconciliation.
00:31:59.430 --> 00:32:00.531
There has to also be repentance.
00:32:00.531 --> 00:32:02.500
And one of the signs that a relational season is over is
00:32:02.600 --> 00:32:06.504
When there has been a breach and you can forgive and you can
00:32:06.504 --> 00:32:10.775
Forgive, but the person's unrepentant.
00:32:10.775 --> 00:32:13.244
They don't see what they did is wrong.
00:32:13.244 --> 00:32:16.280
They maybe even blame you for what they did.
00:32:16.381 --> 00:32:18.783
And like i said, we do such a great job of talking about
00:32:18.883 --> 00:32:21.219
Forgiveness, but we have to also realize that repentance is
00:32:21.219 --> 00:32:24.856
Necessary for reconciliation.
00:32:24.856 --> 00:32:26.557
And so, we have to be very cognizant of that.
00:32:26.557 --> 00:32:29.027
It's like, okay, this person hurt me.
00:32:29.027 --> 00:32:31.396
Do they have a contrite heart?
00:32:31.496 --> 00:32:33.297
Like, is this something that they actually see that
00:32:33.398 --> 00:32:35.266
They have done wrong?
00:32:35.266 --> 00:32:36.434
Or are they just like, "you just need to get over it.
00:32:36.534 --> 00:32:38.102
It wasn't that big of a deal,
00:32:38.102 --> 00:32:39.237
And they want to move on.
00:32:39.237 --> 00:32:40.571
That is not the right climate for relational reconciliation.
00:32:40.571 --> 00:32:44.642
I just wanted to bring that out because--
00:32:44.642 --> 00:32:45.877
- no, that's very good.
00:32:45.977 --> 00:32:47.111
I mean, forgiveness has to happen no matter what.
00:32:47.111 --> 00:32:49.047
- no matter what, whether they repent or not.
00:32:49.047 --> 00:32:50.615
- reconciliation is a different thing.
00:32:50.715 --> 00:32:52.150
- that's different.
00:32:52.150 --> 00:32:53.284
And i think there are people watching,
00:32:53.284 --> 00:32:54.552
And i've even counseled people who they're like,
00:32:54.552 --> 00:32:56.587
"i've forgiven.
00:32:56.587 --> 00:32:57.688
Like, i just keep forgiving and forgiving.
00:32:57.688 --> 00:32:58.823
And for example, in the area of marriage,
00:32:58.823 --> 00:33:00.992
"my husband just keeps cheating, but i keep forgiving.
00:33:01.092 --> 00:33:03.027
He keeps cheating, but i keep forgiving.
00:33:03.027 --> 00:33:04.562
And it's like, honey, forgiveness is not
00:33:04.662 --> 00:33:07.198
The problem here.
00:33:07.198 --> 00:33:08.299
Repentance is.
00:33:08.299 --> 00:33:09.600
And he's going to continue to do that until he comes to a
00:33:09.600 --> 00:33:11.936
Place of repentance.
00:33:11.936 --> 00:33:13.071
Even if it's a platonic friendship,
00:33:13.071 --> 00:33:14.472
I just don't want people to feel like, "well, i've forgiven.
00:33:14.472 --> 00:33:17.675
I've forgiven.
00:33:17.675 --> 00:33:18.776
And i have to just let them continue to--
00:33:18.776 --> 00:33:19.977
It's like, there comes a point where even god says--
00:33:19.977 --> 00:33:21.679
You know, when jesus was starting his public ministry,
00:33:21.679 --> 00:33:23.881
He didn't say, "forgive, for the kingdom is at hand.
00:33:23.981 --> 00:33:26.551
He said, "repent.
00:33:26.551 --> 00:33:27.985
There is something different.
00:33:28.686 --> 00:33:30.054
Do something different.
00:33:30.054 --> 00:33:31.355
And so, i just want to--
00:33:31.355 --> 00:33:32.557
As people are listening to this,
00:33:32.557 --> 00:33:33.791
I just want to give you permission that if you're in a
00:33:33.791 --> 00:33:35.526
Relationship and you've done the forgiving,
00:33:35.526 --> 00:33:37.829
You've done the forgiving, you also have to ask yourself, "hmm,
00:33:37.829 --> 00:33:41.332
Is there a climate of repentance?
00:33:41.332 --> 00:33:43.301
Because if not, the relationship can't thrive.
00:33:43.401 --> 00:33:46.437
- one of the clearest signs of repentance is contrition.
00:33:46.537 --> 00:33:51.609
There will be a sense of a broken heart.
00:33:51.709 --> 00:33:54.779
When someone is truly repentant,
00:33:55.480 --> 00:33:58.116
It's not that they're just sorry,
00:33:58.216 --> 00:33:59.917
It's that they have sorrow.
00:33:59.917 --> 00:34:02.186
Those are two different things.
00:34:02.186 --> 00:34:03.688
When you're sorry, you're apologizing,
00:34:03.788 --> 00:34:06.090
And it's usually a result of social conditioning.
00:34:06.090 --> 00:34:08.059
We're told to say we're sorry if we hurt someone's feelings,
00:34:08.059 --> 00:34:11.295
But when there is sorrow, there's a realization that what
00:34:11.295 --> 00:34:14.365
I did, it hurt you, and i value you,
00:34:14.365 --> 00:34:17.568
And i'm so sorry that i did that to you,
00:34:17.568 --> 00:34:20.304
And i will not do it again.
00:34:20.304 --> 00:34:21.639
So, you will know that someone is repentant because they will
00:34:21.639 --> 00:34:24.842
Actually have a broken heart about the hurt that they caused.
00:34:24.842 --> 00:34:27.678
- i want to encourage you if you're in a situation where you
00:34:28.946 --> 00:34:31.482
Feel like you have been left out or been pushed out
00:34:31.482 --> 00:34:35.253
Of a friend group.
00:34:35.353 --> 00:34:36.687
First, i want to validate how hard that must feel,
00:34:36.687 --> 00:34:39.257
Especially if you don't understand why,
00:34:39.257 --> 00:34:41.726
You don't feel like you did anything to deserve
00:34:41.726 --> 00:34:44.128
Being pushed out.
00:34:44.128 --> 00:34:45.263
But i also want to remind you that god is for you.
00:34:45.263 --> 00:34:48.299
What feels like pain, he may just be redirecting you
00:34:48.399 --> 00:34:51.936
To a new thing.
00:34:51.936 --> 00:34:53.638
And if this is not the friend group for you,
00:34:53.738 --> 00:34:55.806
I want you to believe and to remember that god has
00:34:55.907 --> 00:34:59.110
Good gifts for you.
00:34:59.110 --> 00:35:00.411
So, maybe it's a new friendship that he wants for you.
00:35:00.511 --> 00:35:03.214
Maybe it's a new connection, a new season that he has for you.
00:35:03.214 --> 00:35:06.250
So, instead of possibly staying in the pain of being pushed out,
00:35:06.350 --> 00:35:10.621
Maybe think about the joy of finding something new.
00:35:10.721 --> 00:35:14.525
The other thing i would say, too, though,
00:35:14.525 --> 00:35:15.993
Is if this is a friend or friendship that you've had for a
00:35:16.093 --> 00:35:18.796
While, i would say it is loving to, in a very godly way,
00:35:18.796 --> 00:35:23.067
Confront the situation.
00:35:23.167 --> 00:35:24.368
Ask them or tell them how what they've done has hurt you,
00:35:24.468 --> 00:35:27.805
And see how they respond because i think their response could
00:35:27.905 --> 00:35:30.608
Also be a good indicator if these are friends to keep or
00:35:30.608 --> 00:35:34.212
Friends that you should move on from.
00:35:34.212 --> 00:35:35.880
- join the conversation on our "better together
00:35:36.948 --> 00:35:39.083
Youtube channel.
00:35:39.083 --> 00:35:40.384
Subscribe today and never miss a new upload.
00:35:40.484 --> 00:35:44.991
[music]
00:35:45.224 --> 00:35:50.229
- sometimes when you've had your heart broken or you maybe
00:35:50.229 --> 00:35:53.265
Feel that you've been betrayed in a friendship,
00:35:53.265 --> 00:35:55.534
How do you remain open?
00:35:55.634 --> 00:35:57.636
I think there's a couple of things.
00:35:57.636 --> 00:35:59.371
I think you gain wisdom along the way because sometimes when
00:35:59.371 --> 00:36:02.574
You're younger, you know, there can be red flags, and you think,
00:36:02.574 --> 00:36:05.744
"oh, look, there's a pretty red flag.
00:36:05.744 --> 00:36:07.446
You just completely ignore it.
00:36:07.446 --> 00:36:09.414
I think you gain wisdom from things that don't work out well,
00:36:09.414 --> 00:36:12.384
And you think, "i'll pay more attention in future.
00:36:12.384 --> 00:36:14.553
But i think also that god can enlarge our hearts so that
00:36:14.653 --> 00:36:18.390
Rather than say, "i'll never be open again,
00:36:18.390 --> 00:36:20.459
We can remain open.
00:36:20.559 --> 00:36:22.194
We can ask the lord for direction and guidance.
00:36:22.294 --> 00:36:25.631
But there's something beautiful about thinking, "you know what?
00:36:25.731 --> 00:36:28.567
We are christ's representatives on this earth.
00:36:28.567 --> 00:36:31.169
We live in a world full of broken people.
00:36:31.270 --> 00:36:33.805
Perhaps i get to be the one piece of good news they're going
00:36:33.905 --> 00:36:37.442
To hear today.
00:36:37.442 --> 00:36:38.143
You can do that too.
00:36:38.143 --> 00:36:40.245
[music]
00:36:40.579 --> 00:36:43.582
- i was reading, and i'm actually probably just going to
00:36:43.582 --> 00:36:46.985
Read it because i loved it.
00:36:46.985 --> 00:36:48.120
It was an excerpt from kind of just like a
00:36:48.120 --> 00:36:50.422
Daily devotional, you know?
00:36:50.422 --> 00:36:52.224
I just have, i've had hundreds of them, i feel like,
00:36:52.224 --> 00:36:54.326
Just all over.
00:36:54.326 --> 00:36:55.727
But this particular one is so interesting that i picked it up,
00:36:55.827 --> 00:36:59.464
Had no idea what all the 365 days would be.
00:36:59.564 --> 00:37:03.635
The season that i was needing the lord to speak to me about
00:37:03.735 --> 00:37:07.172
These things, it was like every day was one that i was like,
00:37:07.172 --> 00:37:10.208
"this is so good.
00:37:10.208 --> 00:37:11.443
It was like, literally give me this day, my daily bread.
00:37:11.443 --> 00:37:14.012
It was so good.
00:37:14.012 --> 00:37:15.147
And this particular one, i just love what it said.
00:37:15.147 --> 00:37:17.649
It said, "it takes an agreement of faith to leave an old season
00:37:17.649 --> 00:37:21.119
And step into the new.
00:37:21.119 --> 00:37:22.954
The caution isn't that the season is changing.
00:37:23.055 --> 00:37:25.457
The caution is your inability to change with it.
00:37:25.457 --> 00:37:29.361
This is what keeps you stuck, bitterness, unforgiveness,
00:37:29.361 --> 00:37:32.431
And frustration.
00:37:32.431 --> 00:37:33.699
But the agreement with faith allows you to walk into the
00:37:33.799 --> 00:37:36.868
Unknown with hope, joy, and renewal.
00:37:36.868 --> 00:37:39.805
So, it takes your faith and agreement with faith to say,
00:37:39.905 --> 00:37:44.076
Kind of like that box that i was telling you.
00:37:44.076 --> 00:37:46.211
We blew the dust off the faith box and brought it to the
00:37:46.211 --> 00:37:49.348
Forefront of our heart and said, "i'm going to make
00:37:49.348 --> 00:37:52.751
An agreement with faith,
00:37:52.751 --> 00:37:54.086
Because what that does is whatever you are leaving behind,
00:37:54.186 --> 00:37:58.423
I know that if you get stuck there,
00:37:58.523 --> 00:38:00.726
The season's going to change.
00:38:00.726 --> 00:38:03.128
That's what that said.
00:38:03.695 --> 00:38:04.830
Your inability to change with it, i know, for me,
00:38:04.830 --> 00:38:08.333
My husband had an easier shift than i did.
00:38:08.433 --> 00:38:12.237
I was a little bit behind him.
00:38:12.237 --> 00:38:13.505
I felt like he was kind of pulling me along.
00:38:13.505 --> 00:38:16.308
It was very obvious between the two of us which one was gaining
00:38:16.408 --> 00:38:20.512
In bitterness, and frustration, and anger,
00:38:20.512 --> 00:38:23.281
And thinking about the scenarios.
00:38:23.281 --> 00:38:27.352
It was very obvious.
00:38:27.452 --> 00:38:28.987
You could tell which one.
00:38:29.087 --> 00:38:30.856
And finally, i was like, "i want to be more like him.
00:38:30.956 --> 00:38:33.024
I want that joy.
00:38:33.024 --> 00:38:34.626
I want that hope.
00:38:34.626 --> 00:38:35.761
I want that.
00:38:35.761 --> 00:38:37.095
And so, it's very interesting because when we're talking about
00:38:37.095 --> 00:38:41.633
Repentance, forgiveness, how do we walk into a new season?
00:38:41.733 --> 00:38:46.705
And how do we know which friendships come?
00:38:46.705 --> 00:38:49.074
I think it is that agreement with faith means so much to me
00:38:49.174 --> 00:38:52.644
Because it is actually trusting god with your relationships in a
00:38:52.644 --> 00:38:57.015
Way that maybe you never have.
00:38:57.015 --> 00:38:59.050
It's actually saying, "just because they've been my friend
00:38:59.151 --> 00:39:02.621
In the past, there's no assumptions here.
00:39:02.621 --> 00:39:04.656
I'm going to be so intentional about asking the lord.
00:39:04.756 --> 00:39:09.728
Like crystal said, "is there purpose in this?
00:39:09.828 --> 00:39:12.898
It's almost like we need to do a re-up, you know,
00:39:12.898 --> 00:39:15.434
Every so often, every six months, every year.
00:39:15.434 --> 00:39:17.369
Okay, lord, are all the relationships in my world the
00:39:17.369 --> 00:39:19.805
Ones that you want?
00:39:19.805 --> 00:39:20.939
Do they still carry purpose?
00:39:20.939 --> 00:39:22.374
And being okay to ask those questions and asking the lord to
00:39:22.474 --> 00:39:25.844
Reveal, okay, is it bringing out the best in me?
00:39:25.844 --> 00:39:29.781
Am i bringing out the best in them?
00:39:29.781 --> 00:39:31.716
I don't know if we do that enough.
00:39:31.817 --> 00:39:33.018
I feel like we kind of lock arm in arm,
00:39:33.018 --> 00:39:35.253
And we assume this is it forever.
00:39:35.253 --> 00:39:36.688
- well, but that's why we have to live an open-handed life.
00:39:36.688 --> 00:39:40.325
And it's so hard.
00:39:40.425 --> 00:39:41.693
Like, it's so hard to live your life where i--
00:39:41.693 --> 00:39:44.162
Even with my children.
00:39:44.162 --> 00:39:45.397
I was praying the other day, and i was just like, "lord,
00:39:45.397 --> 00:39:47.732
They are yours.
00:39:47.732 --> 00:39:49.067
They are yours.
00:39:49.167 --> 00:39:50.469
I get the joy and the privilege of stewarding them in this
00:39:50.469 --> 00:39:53.905
Season as they're growing into young men,
00:39:53.905 --> 00:39:55.807
And they are still yours.
00:39:55.807 --> 00:39:57.909
It's the same with every relationship, every opportunity.
00:39:57.909 --> 00:40:00.312
Everything is like, "lord, this is yours.
00:40:00.312 --> 00:40:02.080
And so, whether you want me to stay in this or you want to
00:40:02.180 --> 00:40:05.717
Release me from it, i receive whatever you want.
00:40:05.717 --> 00:40:09.020
And that is literally having this posture.
00:40:09.020 --> 00:40:11.256
And it's hard because once you start to claim ownership,
00:40:11.356 --> 00:40:14.593
That's where the bitterness can come in because the season
00:40:14.693 --> 00:40:18.029
Changes, the thing is gone, but i thought this was mine.
00:40:18.029 --> 00:40:21.466
How dare you take this from me?
00:40:21.566 --> 00:40:22.968
This was mine.
00:40:22.968 --> 00:40:24.536
Open-handed is how we can live a life where we're just like,
00:40:24.636 --> 00:40:27.172
"all right, lord, i'm surrendered, so--"
00:40:27.172 --> 00:40:29.708
- when there's a relationship that ends, i just go, "okay.
00:40:29.808 --> 00:40:33.445
You don't want to force anybody to be with you.
00:40:33.545 --> 00:40:35.447
What a terrible thing that is, right?
00:40:35.447 --> 00:40:37.115
You want people to be your friends who want
00:40:37.215 --> 00:40:38.617
To be your friends.
00:40:38.617 --> 00:40:39.718
And so, just be very open handed with people.
00:40:39.718 --> 00:40:42.254
And i think sometimes we've made the mistake of not
00:40:42.254 --> 00:40:44.422
Normalizing kind of that people move or people,
00:40:44.422 --> 00:40:47.692
The seasons and people's life change.
00:40:47.692 --> 00:40:49.561
And so, just giving people the freedom just to change
00:40:49.561 --> 00:40:53.832
A little bit.
00:40:53.832 --> 00:40:55.066
- maybe we need to actually like even approach every
00:40:55.166 --> 00:40:58.370
Gathering as maybe this is an opportunity,
00:40:58.370 --> 00:41:02.274
Maybe god's bringing somebody new into my circle
00:41:02.274 --> 00:41:04.809
For the next purpose.
00:41:05.377 --> 00:41:06.478
- because we're like lego pieces.
00:41:06.478 --> 00:41:07.612
Like we only have so many spaces and spots,
00:41:07.612 --> 00:41:11.349
And all that kind of stuff.
00:41:11.449 --> 00:41:12.684
And sometimes in order for you to have a new connection,
00:41:12.684 --> 00:41:16.488
That's like everything.
00:41:17.088 --> 00:41:19.124
In order for one season to come in, another season has to go.
00:41:19.124 --> 00:41:23.395
When you were talking, i was thinking, i've tried gardening.
00:41:23.395 --> 00:41:27.699
I'm not a good one.
00:41:27.699 --> 00:41:29.000
But spinach does not grow in the summer.
00:41:29.100 --> 00:41:31.236
I know that in texas.
00:41:31.236 --> 00:41:32.971
You know what i'm saying?
00:41:33.071 --> 00:41:34.205
And strawberries do not grow in the winter.
00:41:34.205 --> 00:41:35.941
If i want spinach and strawberries,
00:41:36.041 --> 00:41:37.776
I have to have two different seasons in which they grow.
00:41:37.776 --> 00:41:40.078
And i can't have both of them at the same time.
00:41:40.178 --> 00:41:42.747
And sometimes the very things that we are praying for god to
00:41:42.847 --> 00:41:45.684
Do in our lives, in our families, in our ministries,
00:41:45.684 --> 00:41:48.587
In the world, for his glory, he cannot do with the existing
00:41:48.687 --> 00:41:53.124
Connections that we have.
00:41:53.124 --> 00:41:54.492
It doesn't mean we're back or they're bad.
00:41:54.593 --> 00:41:56.628
It doesn't even mean something's wrong.
00:41:56.728 --> 00:41:58.129
I mean, have you ever had a relationship where nothing
00:41:58.129 --> 00:42:00.565
Really happened?
00:42:00.565 --> 00:42:02.033
It just seems like drift.
00:42:02.133 --> 00:42:04.603
Like, we experience that in marriage.
00:42:04.603 --> 00:42:06.071
That happens in friendships.
00:42:06.171 --> 00:42:07.606
It's just like nothing happened.
00:42:07.706 --> 00:42:09.507
It's just like something's not the same.
00:42:09.608 --> 00:42:11.743
And i think we have to lean into that and just instead of
00:42:11.743 --> 00:42:14.813
Fighting for things to say the same,
00:42:14.813 --> 00:42:17.148
Just acknowledge that this is a part of life,
00:42:17.248 --> 00:42:19.818
And for one thing to grow, something else will not,
00:42:19.818 --> 00:42:23.355
And that's okay.
00:42:23.355 --> 00:42:24.489
- i'm actually like--
00:42:24.489 --> 00:42:25.757
I'm actually dumbfounded to think that somebody can have
00:42:25.757 --> 00:42:27.492
Like a 50-year friendship.
00:42:27.492 --> 00:42:28.927
I'm like, "i want to know now who are those people?"
00:42:28.927 --> 00:42:30.695
- but even in those--
00:42:30.695 --> 00:42:31.830
I have one.
00:42:31.830 --> 00:42:32.931
- i have a--
00:42:32.931 --> 00:42:34.065
How old am i?
00:42:34.165 --> 00:42:35.266
I mean, it's like, golly.
00:42:35.266 --> 00:42:37.135
You know, the longer you can celebrate your friendships means
00:42:37.135 --> 00:42:39.304
The longer you've been alive.
00:42:39.304 --> 00:42:41.106
But yeah, like we're coming on 37, 38 years.
00:42:41.206 --> 00:42:45.777
- but you've seen it.
00:42:45.877 --> 00:42:46.978
- but even in that, it has had seasons.
00:42:46.978 --> 00:42:49.514
We had seasons where we didn't really talk that much.
00:42:49.614 --> 00:42:51.650
We had a season where she slammed the door on my face.
00:42:51.650 --> 00:42:53.652
I thought that was the end of it.
00:42:53.752 --> 00:42:55.020
And we've had seasons of in and out, up and down, you know,
00:42:55.120 --> 00:43:01.026
Like an accordion.
00:43:01.026 --> 00:43:02.293
She expanded for other people, i expanded for other people.
00:43:02.293 --> 00:43:04.462
And so, it's a sweet thing, but it also is something that even
00:43:04.562 --> 00:43:08.133
Now, we live very loosely with each other, you know?
00:43:08.133 --> 00:43:10.702
And so, because if i would have tried to keep the relationship
00:43:10.702 --> 00:43:14.172
The same way it was in our 20s, we would not have the
00:43:14.172 --> 00:43:16.975
Relationship together now that we have in our 50s.
00:43:16.975 --> 00:43:19.577
- but you know what, that's a common thread.
00:43:19.577 --> 00:43:21.312
When i think about people who do have those long-term
00:43:21.312 --> 00:43:24.349
Relationships, they say the same thing.
00:43:24.349 --> 00:43:26.384
It's one of those where the friendship expands and contracts
00:43:26.384 --> 00:43:29.854
Based on the season.
00:43:29.954 --> 00:43:31.122
- there are many releases.
00:43:31.122 --> 00:43:32.724
It's the same principle.
00:43:32.824 --> 00:43:33.992
It's just they're not releases to an end.
00:43:33.992 --> 00:43:36.394
They're releases from mountain to mountain, valley to valley.
00:43:36.494 --> 00:43:39.831
But you still have to have the same willingness because you
00:43:39.931 --> 00:43:41.633
Don't know which ones will come back.
00:43:41.633 --> 00:43:42.934
- yes.
00:43:42.934 --> 00:43:44.369
- yeah.
00:43:44.703 --> 00:43:46.071
That's why you can't grab onto it and hang onto it,
00:43:46.071 --> 00:43:49.808
And this has to be the way it always is and always was.
00:43:49.808 --> 00:43:52.043
I remember there were times when my friend and i were best
00:43:52.043 --> 00:43:55.346
Friends, i would hear other people refer to her as best
00:43:55.346 --> 00:43:58.149
Friend, and i was like, "what?
00:43:58.149 --> 00:44:00.885
How in the world is there another best friend?
00:44:00.985 --> 00:44:02.420
But similar for her, people would refer to me,
00:44:02.420 --> 00:44:04.522
They'd be like, "that's my best friend.
00:44:04.522 --> 00:44:05.657
And she'd be like, "what?
00:44:05.657 --> 00:44:06.858
And it's like--
00:44:06.958 --> 00:44:08.293
Because you get in your mind, you know, there's only one spot.
00:44:08.293 --> 00:44:11.629
But that's not how a relationship thrives, right?
00:44:11.629 --> 00:44:13.798
- and it's funny that you say that because i feel like that's
00:44:13.798 --> 00:44:16.301
Like this myth that we have that you only have one best friend.
00:44:16.301 --> 00:44:20.505
That's like very second grade.
00:44:20.505 --> 00:44:21.873
- that's so true.
00:44:21.873 --> 00:44:23.241
- but all we're doing as adults is living our playground life in
00:44:23.241 --> 00:44:26.344
Different decades.
00:44:26.344 --> 00:44:28.680
- and maybe we should.
00:44:28.680 --> 00:44:29.948
Yeah, maybe we should.
00:44:29.948 --> 00:44:31.516
It's just like you have friends for different purposes, right?
00:44:31.616 --> 00:44:35.220
Different reasons.
00:44:35.220 --> 00:44:36.354
And so that's why--
00:44:36.354 --> 00:44:37.489
- we've always heard there's friends for a reason,
00:44:37.489 --> 00:44:38.923
Friends for a season, and some friends for a lifetime.
00:44:38.923 --> 00:44:42.026
- i don't know early in your life if you can choose which
00:44:42.127 --> 00:44:46.531
Friendships will last a lifetime.
00:44:46.531 --> 00:44:48.166
I think you can think you know which ones will,
00:44:48.266 --> 00:44:50.869
And you might be right.
00:44:50.969 --> 00:44:52.270
But because you may not know which ones are the ones that
00:44:52.370 --> 00:44:56.007
Last, you can apply this truth, this wisdom to all
00:44:56.007 --> 00:44:59.010
Of your friendships.
00:44:59.010 --> 00:45:00.345
Love loosely, love hard, but let people go.
00:45:00.345 --> 00:45:04.482
Allow people to be free, to choose other friends,
00:45:04.482 --> 00:45:07.652
To go other places, to talk to you less,
00:45:07.652 --> 00:45:10.221
And to allow people to move and change because that's what makes
00:45:10.321 --> 00:45:15.193
Relationships that do last the long haul stick.
00:45:15.193 --> 00:45:18.096
If someone knows, regardless of how they change,
00:45:18.096 --> 00:45:20.665
Regardless of the seasons they go through,
00:45:20.765 --> 00:45:22.567
Regardless of the times that you have hurt each other and had to
00:45:22.567 --> 00:45:25.770
Heal, that you will still be there.
00:45:25.770 --> 00:45:28.606
There is no friendship that will last a lifetime if you want
00:45:28.606 --> 00:45:31.709
Them to stay the way they've always been.
00:45:31.709 --> 00:45:35.013
The only way that you can both grow, and in essence then,
00:45:35.113 --> 00:45:38.249
Grow together in new seasons over and over again,
00:45:38.349 --> 00:45:41.486
Is if they're free to be them and they leave you free
00:45:41.486 --> 00:45:45.156
To be you too.
00:45:45.256 --> 00:45:46.558
And if it's a friendship that's designed to last, it will.
00:45:46.558 --> 00:45:49.527
- ask you something, though, holly,
00:45:50.361 --> 00:45:51.596
Because we talked about relationships that drift apart
00:45:51.596 --> 00:45:53.998
Maybe because of a different season, or job change,
00:45:53.998 --> 00:45:57.101
Anything like that.
00:45:57.101 --> 00:45:58.203
But you talked in your situation about
00:45:58.203 --> 00:46:00.171
There being betrayal.
00:46:00.171 --> 00:46:01.239
- yeah.
00:46:01.573 --> 00:46:02.674
- i'm thinking of people who watch live.
00:46:02.674 --> 00:46:03.842
How do you deal with that?
00:46:03.842 --> 00:46:05.310
Because you obviously did your best to try and make sure that
00:46:05.410 --> 00:46:08.546
That could be repaired.
00:46:08.546 --> 00:46:09.681
What do you do with that kind of pain?
00:46:09.681 --> 00:46:11.015
- for me, it was a journey.
00:46:11.015 --> 00:46:12.183
I found myself, in those early days,
00:46:12.183 --> 00:46:14.552
Very bitter and cynical then about friends.
00:46:14.552 --> 00:46:17.889
I had to pull the tree of bitterness i had
00:46:17.889 --> 00:46:20.191
Growing in me out.
00:46:20.191 --> 00:46:21.559
The process of forgiveness, which is real,
00:46:21.659 --> 00:46:24.662
And it's a process.
00:46:25.196 --> 00:46:26.865
And then, the hard conversations.
00:46:26.965 --> 00:46:28.967
And then, when i realized there was no acknowledgement,
00:46:29.067 --> 00:46:32.804
Then i realized, okay, so this is someone i can be kind to.
00:46:32.904 --> 00:46:38.409
But the intimacy of a heart, you have to own your bad.
00:46:38.509 --> 00:46:42.080
You gotta own.
00:46:42.513 --> 00:46:43.915
If we're gonna go forward, there has to be some
00:46:44.015 --> 00:46:45.583
Ownership of--
00:46:45.583 --> 00:46:46.684
- there has to be repentance.
00:46:46.684 --> 00:46:47.819
- yeah.
00:46:47.819 --> 00:46:48.920
And there wasn't.
00:46:48.920 --> 00:46:50.054
So, then, it's like, okay.
00:46:50.054 --> 00:46:51.155
So, i'm no longer angry.
00:46:51.723 --> 00:46:53.324
It's sad.
00:46:53.324 --> 00:46:55.793
And so, now i can just be kind, right?
00:46:55.894 --> 00:46:58.730
- what's the aftertaste, though?
00:46:58.830 --> 00:47:00.932
And how did it affect new friendships?
00:47:00.932 --> 00:47:03.234
- no, that's a really good point, too.
00:47:03.234 --> 00:47:04.502
So, then i feel like it came in waves, right.
00:47:04.502 --> 00:47:07.705
So, then something would happen which would remind me,
00:47:07.705 --> 00:47:10.008
And i would just start crying, right?
00:47:10.008 --> 00:47:13.244
Because the--
00:47:13.244 --> 00:47:14.412
So, then i had to go, "ok, i thought i went
00:47:14.412 --> 00:47:16.147
Through this already,
00:47:16.147 --> 00:47:17.515
And forgive again, and let go again, and say god, "obviously,
00:47:17.515 --> 00:47:21.119
There's a new thing you're trying to do, so help me there.
00:47:21.119 --> 00:47:24.522
So, i think just acknowledging that it's a process and--
00:47:24.622 --> 00:47:28.860
- but did you feel more skeptical going into
00:47:28.860 --> 00:47:31.129
New friendships?
00:47:31.129 --> 00:47:32.263
- no, not me.
00:47:32.263 --> 00:47:33.364
- i know that that would be understandable.
00:47:33.364 --> 00:47:35.166
I'm gonna error probably always on the other side.
00:47:35.266 --> 00:47:37.502
I'm gonna just open my heart and go, "here we go.
00:47:37.602 --> 00:47:41.005
And so, i'm not saying that's always a good thing, but--
00:47:41.105 --> 00:47:44.542
- that's who you are.
00:47:44.642 --> 00:47:45.777
- i'm gonna error on that one.
00:47:45.777 --> 00:47:47.312
- well, i think, you know, one thing that i would say about you
00:47:47.312 --> 00:47:51.849
Is you love with your arms wide open.
00:47:51.849 --> 00:47:55.119
You love with your whole self.
00:47:55.219 --> 00:47:56.888
And so, as hard and sad i know that it was probably to release
00:47:56.988 --> 00:48:01.159
That friendship, i can imagine, as wide as your arms are,
00:48:01.159 --> 00:48:04.762
That the lord has restored to you a hundredfold friends that
00:48:04.762 --> 00:48:09.400
Have really been sweet to your heart and that
00:48:09.400 --> 00:48:11.736
You can love on too.
00:48:11.836 --> 00:48:13.604
And we all love you here.
00:48:13.604 --> 00:48:16.007
But i'm thinking about the person at home, though,
00:48:17.108 --> 00:48:20.144
Who might also be thinking about what feels like betrayal or,
00:48:20.244 --> 00:48:25.116
Gosh, i really--
00:48:25.116 --> 00:48:26.451
I thought i knew that person, and i can't believe they said
00:48:26.451 --> 00:48:28.953
That about me, or i can't believe they did that behind my
00:48:28.953 --> 00:48:31.522
Back, or i can't believe that, you know,
00:48:31.522 --> 00:48:33.157
I would trust them with that information, and they shared it.
00:48:33.157 --> 00:48:35.927
If that is someone who's watching,
00:48:35.927 --> 00:48:38.262
I really just want to encourage them that first and foremost,
00:48:38.262 --> 00:48:41.966
I don't want it to feel cliche, but we always have
00:48:41.966 --> 00:48:44.969
A friend in jesus.
00:48:44.969 --> 00:48:46.204
When we feel alone, when we feel like we have no one else,
00:48:46.304 --> 00:48:49.407
He doesn't change.
00:48:49.407 --> 00:48:50.508
We always have a friend in jesus.
00:48:50.508 --> 00:48:53.378
But also, don't be afraid to make new friends.
00:48:53.378 --> 00:48:57.215
Find a community group in your church.
00:48:57.315 --> 00:48:59.817
Start in a place where you feel like there's safe women around
00:48:59.817 --> 00:49:03.921
That maybe you can start building friendship on.
00:49:03.921 --> 00:49:07.291
And i know it seems like the loss is big right now,
00:49:07.392 --> 00:49:10.294
But as you move forward, the lord will begin to restore that
00:49:10.395 --> 00:49:14.032
Part of your heart with new friendships.
00:49:14.032 --> 00:49:15.466
So, let's just pray for them.
00:49:15.466 --> 00:49:17.035
- so good.
00:49:17.035 --> 00:49:18.202
- lord, we are thankful.
00:49:18.202 --> 00:49:19.570
- yeah, we are.
00:49:19.570 --> 00:49:20.838
- we are thankful that you are a friend to us at all times.
00:49:20.838 --> 00:49:24.308
You never change, and you love us unconditionally.
00:49:24.409 --> 00:49:27.211
We don't have to do anything to prove ourselves to you or to
00:49:27.211 --> 00:49:30.481
Earn your friendship.
00:49:30.481 --> 00:49:31.916
Thank you for your friendship, lord.
00:49:32.016 --> 00:49:33.551
And we just thank you in general that you have designed
00:49:33.551 --> 00:49:36.854
Friendship for our hearts.
00:49:36.854 --> 00:49:38.356
Lord, we crave it, and we need it in our lives.
00:49:38.356 --> 00:49:41.793
So, lord, we just ask, father, as those that are watching
00:49:41.793 --> 00:49:44.562
Today, if there have been relationships that have ended,
00:49:44.562 --> 00:49:47.131
If there's been seasons that have changed,
00:49:47.131 --> 00:49:49.700
If friendships have found different purpose, lord,
00:49:49.700 --> 00:49:52.537
I pray that if there's healing that needs to happen in a heart
00:49:52.537 --> 00:49:55.406
Today, lord, that you would begin to heal that heart,
00:49:55.406 --> 00:49:58.943
That you would begin to bring courage to that heart to seek
00:49:58.943 --> 00:50:02.647
New friendship, that you would begin to show them, father,
00:50:02.647 --> 00:50:05.216
That you went before them, and you are orchestrating every part
00:50:05.216 --> 00:50:08.519
Of their life, and they can trust you with it.
00:50:08.519 --> 00:50:10.855
And so, if a friendship has ended, lord,
00:50:10.855 --> 00:50:12.890
We trust that you will bring a new one.
00:50:12.890 --> 00:50:14.926
God, i just pray that you heal, restore, renew,
00:50:14.926 --> 00:50:18.629
Give hope where there needs to be hope and faith where there
00:50:18.629 --> 00:50:21.199
Needs to be faith.
00:50:21.199 --> 00:50:22.433
Lord, we trust you in all things because you are good,
00:50:22.533 --> 00:50:25.703
And you are faithful, and you are trustworthy.
00:50:25.703 --> 00:50:28.272
In jesus' name, amen.
00:50:28.372 --> 00:50:31.275
- amen.
00:50:31.275 --> 00:50:32.910
- connect with us on social media and let us know how our
00:50:33.010 --> 00:50:35.680
Team can pray for you.
00:50:35.680 --> 00:50:37.548
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[music]
00:50:56.701 --> 00:50:56.701

When Your Relationships Change - Episode 1114

November 6, 2025 | S7 E1114 | 52:34

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