Mike Signorelli - We Shouldn't Have Gotten Married: The Truth About Our Marriage

January 6, 2026 | 47:39

Pastor Mike Signorelli brings bold, Bible-based teaching to help believers walk faithfully in today’s often compromised world

#Marriage #PersonalStory #Testimony #Relationships #Respect #Husband #Wife

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| Mike Signorelli - We Shouldn't Have Gotten Married: The Truth About Our Marriage | January 6, 2026

How many people claim
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To get saved, but their cravings never change.
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You can scroll on your phone
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For four hours, but you can't spend four minutes in prayer.
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Something's gotta change because you say.
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If it was about me, i would keep scrolling.
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But it's about this density, so let me destroy.
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Oh, come on, somebody.
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Oh, oh oh. hey.
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So i'm here with my lovely wife, julie,
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And we're going to be talking about what men and women really want.
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So jump in the comment section and you tell us what men really want.
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Tell us what women really want.
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Today we're going to talk about men want respect and admiration.
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And women want security.
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And their back tickle.
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Don't play with my hair.
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Yeah.
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Okay, so we're going to have a very vulnerable conversation.
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I just want everybody to know this is going to heal your marriage.
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So watch this together with your spouse if they're willing.
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And then also if you're like single this is going to prepare you for marriage.
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But here's where it gets juicy.
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We did not pre prepare for this.
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No we did not like this.
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And oh because i wanted it to be vulnerable.
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Yeah. and i wanted people to watch me.
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And you actually communicate.
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So there are no notes.
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Yeah.
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You didn't even schedule it with me
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I came home, this was set up, and you said we are doing this.
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Actually, what you said was, i just got my hair done. yes.
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And my hair looks so good that if i was ever going to film, it's going to be.
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Now let's do it.
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So why don't you pull the audio a little closer just in case?
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Because you are my team.
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You have a voice and that your heard.
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But is that good enough?
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Yeah.
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Follow us through this entire video series and make sure that you tap
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The subscribe button.
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And if you if you want more content about having a biblical marriage
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And a biblical relationship.
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So we've been married for almost 20 years.
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We've been together for 22, 23 years.
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Like that. which is crazy to think about.
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We have an 18 year old, which is also crazy to think about
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Because you look 18 things.
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I cannot wrap my head around it. yes.
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We have a ten year old. yes.
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And then we have a dog that i hate.
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Yeah, i hate him, but he loves me the most.
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But i hate him the most. and we're working on that.
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So let's talk about this, because the truth is,
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I don't know if we should have got married.
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Yeah, i know, it's so funny.
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I don't know if you remember this, but, like,
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I was just thinking that the the the.
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No, no, no,
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The the week before we got married or two weeks before we got married,
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Our pastor at the time actually brought us up in front of the church.
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They prayed for us before our wedding, and because we got married
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And we had a destination wedding, so we got married out of town.
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And they said, this is a match made in heaven.
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And i remember
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After our first argument, i'm like, this is not a match made in heaven.
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It's a match made in the hell.
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Hahaha.
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Yeah, yeah, that's the title of our marriage.
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Yes, it's a match made in hell because we're opposites in every way.
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Just about i mean, i was thinking about this
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The other day, and aside from a ferocious sexual attraction.
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Yeah, i got god.
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I mean, like, we connected on a physical level, you know?
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You know, when we were, like, dating and stuff like that, and,
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And we had these conversations about, you know, life and different things.
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But i didn't realize till after we got married that a lot of it
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You were frontin, you know, because like, you were, you were saying the things
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That a girlfriend says. sure.
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To deepen a relationship.
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And you also did your fair share front.
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And i remember distinctly you being like, i love garth brooks, too.
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And i'm like, you know, i'm not good for that.
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But but i do remember, i do remember,
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Yeah, in the day is saying things like, i don't think we would ever fight.
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What would we ever fight about that line?
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You know, i don't even know.
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What would we argue about?
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Yeah.
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And so lots of things.
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But the truth is we're complete opposite.
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So if you're watching this right now. yeah.
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And you're in a marriage and you feel like i messed up,
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I shouldn't even be together.
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There is a big part of me that's always thought, like,
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I don't know that me and you were compatible.
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And, you know, when you think of, like, compatibility,
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Like we've had to learn, like, i think the health of our marriage
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Is that we've learned how to become compatible.
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But i don't think that we are naturally compatible at all.
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Yeah.
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And i will say, like people will say like, oh, you have to be friends first.
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And i'm like, we were great friends.
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We were horrible spouses.
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Yeah, that's the best way to play.
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So i don't know that that's like the most valuable thing. but
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I don't know.
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We didn't know how to live together. right.
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We had completely different backgrounds.
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And so like when men need respect and admiration and women need safety
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And like, you know, they need safety,
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They need the comfortability around you because you're wired that way.
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And for those of you who are like, oh, they don't get it.
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You know, this is like, you know, this is too specific.
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Like, men need safety too.
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No, we're talking about the predominant need. yes.
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Because of course men need a degree of safety.
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But they we are biologically wired because of testosterone
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And various different things to seek risk.
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That's why male dominated fields tend to be risk seeking fields.
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Right? yeah. and you see more men in those fields.
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And so in the same way a woman is is built for security,
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Which i think is primal,
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Because women birth children and they have to ensure that those children,
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Which really human beings are born like without the ability to care for themselves
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At all, like a horse comes out of the mother and immediately
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Stands up and starts walking around and a child can't even start
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Walking for ten, 11 months early and then a year later.
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So human beings are born incredibly dependent.
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And so women, i believe the female gender, and it really has
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A predisposition towards safety because it's like in you, right?
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Yes. and,
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You know, people who try to deny those norms are just deny reality, right?
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Right.
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I was when i saw a piece of content
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The other day and they saw the book, you know, it was like love and respect
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And they were like, this is responsible for my deconstruction.
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And i'm like, no, this is going to be responsible
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For your divorce if you burn that book.
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Like the reality is, is like you cannot have a successful relationship
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With disrespect both ways, with not giving love
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And attention both ways without offering security both ways.
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But predominantly, women are going to find
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For the most part, love in these certain
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Areas, and men are going to find them in these certain areas.
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So if you're involved in your man and you say,
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I don't need respect, okay, like we don't believe you.
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Yeah, yeah, like we don't cognitive dissonance.
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And you're lying to yourself. yes.
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And i know you're trying to be evolved, but, like,
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You know, it's not going to last long.
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I'll just tell you that. right.
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Well, when you go back to genesis chapter three,
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Basically eve was created for companionship.
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Adam said, i'm alone, which is crazy because he's walking
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With god in the garden and he has purpose.
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This is priest sin, right?
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So sin is not entered the earth.
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By the way, adam had a job before sin
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Entered the earth, and so men need to have a job.
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Men need to work.
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Please work.
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If you're watching this right now, like.
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And you're spending more time in video games and fantasy, you need to get a job.
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Yeah, i'm speaking to the men right now.
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Like, matter of fact, you can share this video with a man who needs this message.
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You need to get a job.
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And if you're not working, what's happening
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Is you're contributing to your depression, your anxiety, your fear, your worry.
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Like, get your body moving, get out of the bed.
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Get out of that gamer chair and go work.
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And so the other thing, though, is that men want to feel
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That they're climbing the social hierarchy.
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They want to feel like i'm respected.
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You know that when i talk, people listen.
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And so men will not go to environments where they're not being heard,
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They're not being listened.
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So this is like even their friends, their friends listen to them,
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Their friend.
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You know, it's funny because the gamers put headsets on
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And they go on these missions together with guns in these various
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Different video games, and they listen to each other and they cooperate.
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Men need missions.
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It's it's really because we're built to be conquerors.
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And so, like, god gave adam dominion over the garden
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And which was an assignment, he said, i want you to name the creation,
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And i want you to keep this thing, dress it like, take care of it.
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You have dominion.
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But then also he said in the midst of that i'm lonely.
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So most of you
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Watching and i'm speaking to the men, you don't have the gift of singleness
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Which is why you keep going back to pornography, masturbation.
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It's why you keep going to the strip club.
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It's why you keep going into inappropriate relationships.
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Like you.
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The bible says it's better to marry than to burn.
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And so right now we keep extending the how long were married.
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You know we, we wait like i need to be older
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Till i get married, i need to have more money.
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And what's happening is you're burning instead of marrying.
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And the bible says it's better to marry than to burn.
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And what i'm saying is it's like we have this delayed adolescence.
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Extended adolescence. yes.
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And if you're watching this like you're probably a brother and a son,
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But you haven't become a father and a husband.
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And we need men to become husbands.
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We need men to become fathers and stop just being brothers and sons.
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Yeah, but for me, i know.
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Here's the bigger point i want to make.
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And then i want to hear what you have to say about this
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From the female perspective is i, i got married.
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But and even our pastors agreed that this was a good thing.
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Yeah.
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I mean you a complete and total opposite.
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I was not equipped for marriage, i didn't know how to have a wife.
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And i have always found it funny
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That it's, you have to take a test to get a driver's license,
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But you don't have to take a test to get a marriage license.
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So, like, you can drive a two ton steal vehicle
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At 100 miles an hour, and you have to take a test to ensure
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That you can safely do that, not kill yourself and other people.
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But you can make the most important decision of your life
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Without a test, right?
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Which is your spouse, right?
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If you're near one of our campuses, i want to give you
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A personal invitation to check out v1 church.
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There's no way i can describe the atmosphere of revival in the experience.
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If you've never driven up or driven in, you know,
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Let me just tell you it's a powerful atmosphere
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And a bunch of people who really love the lord and want to get to know you.
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So let us know when you're coming and i'll see you at v1 church.
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And so me and
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You had to figure out how to be married,
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And we're still figuring out how to be married in every season of our life.
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Yeah, but i feel like i in the early days of our marriage, if i could be blind,
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I felt extremely disrespected all the time.
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I felt like you undermined everything i said.
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I thought i just felt like amongst my friends, you.
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You know, you would battle me out. no, don't do that.
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I don't mean to do that.
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And it just it triggered me.
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And i'm very autonomous and i, you know what i mean?
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I my personality is more of the leader of the alpha.
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And so being in a relationship where you're a very strong woman,
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You're opinionated and, you know, there are things that i was doing
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That you didn't want me to do.
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It just i felt like in those early days
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It was, very, very difficult, you know?
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And then i came from the other side of the tracks.
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So i had poverty mindsets, you know, i.
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And then you came from a very holidays.
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That was huge. oh, yeah. yeah.
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You had a very strong middle class upbringing.
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Yeah.
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So it was like we had we had a culture clash of, of like classes.
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It's like lower class versus middle class.
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We had this like we were kind of we weren't
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We weren't complementing each other like adam and eve.
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We were supposed to be companions.
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Yeah.
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But like, i think what happens a lot of times
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Is there's more compat combat than companionship.
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And like, we kind of had that.
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But then i also don't feel like i did a good job of loving you
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And listening to you and and i really i tried to provide safety and security,
00:12:38.320 --> 00:12:43.125
And i didn't
00:12:43.459 --> 00:12:45.327
Probably do the best job for that because i was doing high risk behaviors.
00:12:45.327 --> 00:12:47.730
So what was it like for you wanting so now you've heard my side.
00:12:49.064 --> 00:12:53.135
They've heard my side. yeah.
00:12:53.736 --> 00:12:55.237
I want to know what was it like from your perspective?
00:12:55.237 --> 00:12:58.174
You know, not having the security, not having the safety, not having
00:12:59.508 --> 00:13:02.745
Because here's this wild man with all this potential,
00:13:03.779 --> 00:13:05.748
But i was destroying our lives and our relationship.
00:13:05.748 --> 00:13:09.318
So i had, like, unrestrained potential.
00:13:10.119 --> 00:13:12.254
But then you, you know, had this need for safety, right?
00:13:12.254 --> 00:13:15.591
Right.
00:13:15.591 --> 00:13:17.126
You know, for me, i grew up in a very stable home, thank god.
00:13:17.126 --> 00:13:21.964
So we only had half the trauma
00:13:22.598 --> 00:13:24.667
That most people have because most people are coming from two broken homes.
00:13:24.667 --> 00:13:28.270
I mean, just statistically in the united states,
00:13:28.270 --> 00:13:32.141
You know, globally, i'm not sure what those statistics are, but here,
00:13:32.141 --> 00:13:35.744
I mean, over half of households are divorced.
00:13:36.645 --> 00:13:39.882
There's divorce somewhere in their story.
00:13:39.882 --> 00:13:43.219
So thankfully we only had like half of that.
00:13:44.153 --> 00:13:47.122
But even given that there's still patterns, behaviors,
00:13:47.122 --> 00:13:51.894
You know, things that contribute to not healthy marriage and,
00:13:53.062 --> 00:13:56.732
I distribute it are i, what do you exhibited
00:13:57.666 --> 00:14:01.503
Many of those, toxic behaviors,
00:14:02.137 --> 00:14:04.907
Passive aggressive communication, wanting to have control,
00:14:06.075 --> 00:14:09.011
You know, having feelings and not knowing how to articulate them.
00:14:09.011 --> 00:14:14.383
I wish, you know, and and you can't go back.
00:14:15.317 --> 00:14:19.288
But, man, if if i could, if i could go back and have the tools
00:14:20.489 --> 00:14:23.659
That we all have this podcast, these sermon series,
00:14:23.659 --> 00:14:28.564
You know, different pieces of content that are out there.
00:14:28.564 --> 00:14:33.836
It's therapy that you can just open your computer
00:14:34.837 --> 00:14:38.007
And receive help and, you know, healing through that.
00:14:38.007 --> 00:14:41.810
It's like, man, we it would have been such a different story for us
00:14:43.178 --> 00:14:45.381
Because we weren't that smart, but we would have been smart
00:14:45.381 --> 00:14:49.351
Enough to use the tools.
00:14:49.351 --> 00:14:51.186
And so i remember like just feeling so broken in our marriage, feeling like,
00:14:51.186 --> 00:14:56.258
You know, i'm unhappy, i'm frustrated.
00:14:57.092 --> 00:15:00.562
And i remember going to like the christian bookstore
00:15:01.597 --> 00:15:03.365
And just going down the aisles and thinking like,
00:15:03.365 --> 00:15:05.701
I don't even know where to start, you know?
00:15:05.701 --> 00:15:09.038
And, and it wasn't until years later, unfortunately, that we did begin
00:15:10.472 --> 00:15:14.076
To get couples counseling, and we just weren't
00:15:15.044 --> 00:15:16.912
Smart enough to start that process, like right at the end.
00:15:16.912 --> 00:15:20.249
Listening, listening counseling isn't the end all be all.
00:15:21.383 --> 00:15:23.052
It is not a global solution.
00:15:23.052 --> 00:15:25.254
The solution is jesus.
00:15:25.254 --> 00:15:27.156
And all those things are tools, you know, on our journey.
00:15:27.156 --> 00:15:30.893
But for me, you did have a lot of high risk behaviors.
00:15:31.994 --> 00:15:35.164
And that did affect me.
00:15:35.164 --> 00:15:37.399
And but i will say you were always a hard worker.
00:15:37.399 --> 00:15:40.302
I never had to get you up for work once.
00:15:40.302 --> 00:15:42.237
I never had to be worried about if you were going to show up or
00:15:42.237 --> 00:15:45.240
So being a provider.
00:15:45.240 --> 00:15:47.242
That was a huge thing.
00:15:47.242 --> 00:15:49.278
And i know a lot of women out there, they struggle in that area.
00:15:49.278 --> 00:15:53.749
So i can't identify with that struggle
00:15:53.749 --> 00:15:55.751
Because no matter what, you are always a great provider.
00:15:55.751 --> 00:15:58.320
Thank you for that, by the way.
00:15:58.320 --> 00:15:59.855
And i like the way you're saying i was like, i'm dead right now.
00:15:59.855 --> 00:16:02.691
Like like the way you're speaking is like a funeral.
00:16:03.759 --> 00:16:05.761
Like, okay, he was always a great provider, but that person is dead to me.
00:16:05.761 --> 00:16:10.366
Praise god, you know, because i don't even think about you in those ways anymore.
00:16:10.366 --> 00:16:15.137
Amen.
00:16:15.371 --> 00:16:17.139
That i'll take that as the biggest miracle i've ever caught on film.
00:16:17.139 --> 00:16:19.008
Amen.
00:16:19.008 --> 00:16:20.943
To be it for a man to be able to say that the parts of you that were a failure
00:16:20.943 --> 00:16:25.080
Are dead to your wife, is the evidence of how much work we've done.
00:16:26.448 --> 00:16:29.551
Yeah, and it's still work.
00:16:30.119 --> 00:16:31.954
And, you know, of course, we have things that we work through now,
00:16:31.954 --> 00:16:34.490
But some of those major issues,
00:16:35.124 --> 00:16:37.459
I mean, really, i see now that the enemy was using that,
00:16:37.459 --> 00:16:41.030
As a tool to separate us, divorce us,
00:16:41.830 --> 00:16:46.035
You know, cause us to not, you know, be together, not have our children.
00:16:47.469 --> 00:16:50.639
Like, it was definitely a plan for the enemy.
00:16:50.639 --> 00:16:53.909
But yes, you you were you did do dumb things,
00:16:54.843 --> 00:16:59.381
Things that hurt me.
00:16:59.848 --> 00:17:01.850
Just ways that you would, you know, like, not acknowledge certain holidays.
00:17:01.850 --> 00:17:05.154
It was like this rebellion and even though, like, oh, it's just a holiday.
00:17:05.154 --> 00:17:09.525
But that made me feel unsafe because i wanted to provide
00:17:09.525 --> 00:17:12.661
A life where things were special.
00:17:12.661 --> 00:17:15.864
There were special days, there were important days.
00:17:15.864 --> 00:17:18.434
So if you're a man and you're watching this podcast and you eyeroll every time
00:17:18.434 --> 00:17:22.004
There's a birthday party or every time there's a holiday or every time
00:17:22.004 --> 00:17:26.075
Your wife wants you guys to match this man right here, can i identify?
00:17:26.075 --> 00:17:31.346
But i will also say you, sir, will always match the family.
00:17:32.548 --> 00:17:36.518
And you never give me any lip about it.
00:17:37.352 --> 00:17:38.620
Maybe you could talk more about that journey.
00:17:38.620 --> 00:17:40.689
I'm one of those.
00:17:40.689 --> 00:17:41.924
Those things bigger than me? no. yeah, yeah.
00:17:41.924 --> 00:17:44.059
You're buying the matching shirts i turned.
00:17:44.059 --> 00:17:46.762
I did a 180. yeah, yeah.
00:17:46.762 --> 00:17:48.730
But also, just to put some context on it, i was raised in
00:17:48.730 --> 00:17:52.568
An incredibly poor family with a lot of trouble in the u.s
00:17:52.568 --> 00:17:56.772
So what happened was every single one of my holidays was sabotaged.
00:17:58.073 --> 00:18:01.110
So we created a trauma trigger. yeah.
00:18:01.910 --> 00:18:03.712
So what would happen was like, if you wake up on christmas morning
00:18:03.712 --> 00:18:06.915
As a kid a couple of times with no presents
00:18:06.915 --> 00:18:10.786
Or even worse, no heat, like you're waking up
00:18:11.720 --> 00:18:15.224
And you're wearing six layers of clothes
00:18:16.091 --> 00:18:17.926
So you don't get frostbite while you're sleeping.
00:18:17.926 --> 00:18:20.896
There is no i'm waiting to go get the presents under the tree
00:18:20.896 --> 00:18:24.766
That entices you in america, right?
00:18:25.501 --> 00:18:27.236
Yeah, because even, you know, there's different degrees of poverty.
00:18:27.236 --> 00:18:30.005
And i somehow was in that lowest level.
00:18:30.005 --> 00:18:32.407
Yeah.
00:18:32.407 --> 00:18:34.409
Where it's like it's possible to actually starve and be hungry, all right.
00:18:34.409 --> 00:18:36.945
And be, you know, cold. yeah.
00:18:37.579 --> 00:18:38.747
And not have presents.
00:18:38.747 --> 00:18:40.582
So then, of course, you get married and you're with this, like, middle class
00:18:40.582 --> 00:18:43.952
White family that's like you look, guys, look at, you know, oh, don't open this.
00:18:43.952 --> 00:18:49.324
And it's every little everyone come down the stairs at the same time.
00:18:50.692 --> 00:18:53.095
It would be, it would just ask me because i was so wounded.
00:18:54.263 --> 00:18:56.365
And there's many of you guys watching right now where it's like, does your wife
00:18:57.866 --> 00:18:59.635
Get on your nerves or does your situation trigger your own trauma?
00:18:59.635 --> 00:19:03.572
Okay, so that is the that's what i wish i would have understood at that time.
00:19:05.107 --> 00:19:08.744
Well, you know, but that's the thing is, you would have been more empathetic of me
00:19:10.345 --> 00:19:13.382
And be like, oh my god, there's a broken eight year old boy
00:19:13.382 --> 00:19:17.753
That's sitting in that corner right now who doesn't want to be a part
00:19:19.121 --> 00:19:21.056
Of any of this?
00:19:21.056 --> 00:19:22.491
Because he never had a dad, he never had presents.
00:19:22.491 --> 00:19:24.359
And it's hard for him to see this,
00:19:24.359 --> 00:19:26.228
And it's hard for him to be happy because that's really what was happening.
00:19:26.228 --> 00:19:30.699
So you're empathetic. yeah.
00:19:31.300 --> 00:19:32.901
But then i've also grown in my empathy to say, but why did i,
00:19:32.901 --> 00:19:35.537
Like somebody else stabbed me, but i bled on you.
00:19:36.538 --> 00:19:38.907
Yeah. like, yeah, somebody else hurt me.
00:19:39.741 --> 00:19:41.710
But then i ended up hurting you.
00:19:41.710 --> 00:19:43.979
And so it's like, what you have to tell that boy is like, hey,
00:19:43.979 --> 00:19:47.482
One day you're going to become a man,
00:19:47.482 --> 00:19:49.184
And you can never use an excuse to hurt the people
00:19:49.184 --> 00:19:51.987
That you are supposed to protect because husbands are protectors.
00:19:51.987 --> 00:19:56.124
Yeah, husbands are providers.
00:19:56.758 --> 00:19:58.594
And going back to genesis chapter three, there was a, there was a,
00:19:58.594 --> 00:20:01.597
You know, basically it says that from the side of adam, we say the rib.
00:20:02.998 --> 00:20:06.168
But i like the the original biblical text.
00:20:06.168 --> 00:20:09.171
It just says this side.
00:20:09.171 --> 00:20:10.839
And so if god wanted to make another adam and just say, hey,
00:20:10.839 --> 00:20:15.377
You know, here's to adam and steve, you know, in other words, i'm going to
00:20:16.845 --> 00:20:19.014
Make someone exactly like you right then, that's what god would have done.
00:20:19.014 --> 00:20:24.253
But in his infinite wisdom and knowledge, he said,
00:20:25.287 --> 00:20:28.724
He said, i'm
00:20:29.057 --> 00:20:30.592
Going to make woman and she's not going to be like you.
00:20:30.592 --> 00:20:33.328
Matter of fact, like your skin is going to be calloused
00:20:34.463 --> 00:20:35.731
And a little harder, and your body shapes me,
00:20:35.731 --> 00:20:37.933
But woman is going to be soft and she's going to have curves.
00:20:37.933 --> 00:20:41.970
She's got it's it's different and it's complementary.
00:20:43.038 --> 00:20:45.307
So the differences are supposed to complement.
00:20:46.275 --> 00:20:48.677
And what i think when i started this podcast
00:20:49.611 --> 00:20:52.414
I talked about how different we were.
00:20:53.215 --> 00:20:54.449
But the truth is we were different by design.
00:20:54.449 --> 00:20:57.486
And what happens is you were my greatest asset.
00:20:58.487 --> 00:20:59.988
I was your greatest asset.
00:20:59.988 --> 00:21:01.890
Because what if you found a way
00:21:01.890 --> 00:21:04.626
To channel all of my vision
00:21:04.626 --> 00:21:08.030
And all of my passion and all of that, you know, tenacity, that risk
00:21:09.431 --> 00:21:12.467
I could literally take on the world, we can accomplish these big things.
00:21:13.902 --> 00:21:16.438
So. and i would even pull you out of your comfort zone,
00:21:17.572 --> 00:21:20.208
And you would be using the gifts that god had for you.
00:21:21.276 --> 00:21:22.844
But in order for that to happen, you have to honor the thing
00:21:22.844 --> 00:21:25.981
That actually scares you. the most.
00:21:26.748 --> 00:21:28.617
And then but for me, i need to i need the counterbalance of sabbath
00:21:28.617 --> 00:21:33.188
And rest and family and making special memories that they
00:21:34.323 --> 00:21:38.327
They get filmed but never released on youtube.
00:21:39.294 --> 00:21:41.096
Yeah. and it's and it's like, and we have magic.
00:21:41.096 --> 00:21:43.365
And so the normalcy becomes the counterbalance for the greatness
00:21:43.365 --> 00:21:47.469
Where it's like we filled a stadium, but we also filled
00:21:48.603 --> 00:21:50.172
Our home with joy needs like the counterbalance.
00:21:50.172 --> 00:21:53.275
So it's like and what we in the early days of our marriage,
00:21:53.275 --> 00:21:57.746
It's like we had the potential to have this happy, healthy, vibrant home.
00:21:59.181 --> 00:22:03.018
And we also had the potential to, like,
00:22:03.885 --> 00:22:05.287
Launch churches across america and fill stadiums.
00:22:05.287 --> 00:22:08.256
But it was like
00:22:08.623 --> 00:22:10.492
Like that potential was hiding in me, and that potential was hiding in you.
00:22:10.492 --> 00:22:13.962
And it was so radically different that we couldn't see the value in it,
00:22:13.962 --> 00:22:18.300
So i could my wounds wouldn't let me see the value in having normal memories.
00:22:19.801 --> 00:22:23.672
But then your passive aggressive, you come from a family, you know,
00:22:25.006 --> 00:22:28.377
Shout out nana, holy ghost and we're just aaron all your business.
00:22:28.377 --> 00:22:32.247
But you guys come from a family where there is a lot of, like,
00:22:33.415 --> 00:22:35.517
You guys didn't fight, but you.
00:22:36.151 --> 00:22:38.253
But you were fighting.
00:22:38.253 --> 00:22:39.921
You just didn't yell.
00:22:39.921 --> 00:22:41.223
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:22:41.223 --> 00:22:42.357
So it was like there was tension.
00:22:42.357 --> 00:22:44.393
There was things being said.
00:22:44.393 --> 00:22:46.261
It just nobody raised their voice because it was then passive aggressive.
00:22:46.261 --> 00:22:49.598
Yeah. and then you guys were aggressive.
00:22:49.598 --> 00:22:52.901
And neither one is healthy.
00:22:53.502 --> 00:22:55.170
And what we had to do is find like okay,
00:22:55.170 --> 00:22:58.874
Where are we at in like where, where is the
00:22:59.775 --> 00:23:03.078
The healthy who are the signal rally or the signal rallies.
00:23:03.078 --> 00:23:06.748
Yeah.
00:23:06.748 --> 00:23:08.517
And i would say, you know, it took us 20 years, but and i think
00:23:08.517 --> 00:23:12.187
We're getting better every day on it, but we're on our way, you know.
00:23:12.187 --> 00:23:16.625
And here's the thing.
00:23:16.625 --> 00:23:18.527
I don't know if you've ever.
00:23:18.527 --> 00:23:20.128
Well, you've been on a cruise.
00:23:20.128 --> 00:23:21.296
We've been on a cruise together.
00:23:21.296 --> 00:23:23.265
Although you took dramamine and i've been on a cruise once, you know that.
00:23:23.265 --> 00:23:26.168
And you never even saw the light of day, do you?
00:23:27.135 --> 00:23:29.037
Should i least tell them what i think is funny?
00:23:29.037 --> 00:23:31.540
I think cruises are the floating walmart of the sea,
00:23:31.540 --> 00:23:36.344
And i'm just going, they're going to come for you.
00:23:37.379 --> 00:23:39.548
Yeah, i love it.
00:23:39.548 --> 00:23:40.916
All. joking aside, i used to be alcoholic.
00:23:40.916 --> 00:23:43.552
So god deliver me from alcoholism.
00:23:43.552 --> 00:23:45.654
All the alcoholic things, some sometimes being around all that environment because.
00:23:45.654 --> 00:23:49.124
And i was joking about the walmart of the sea.
00:23:49.124 --> 00:23:51.159
But i did see a meme together.
00:23:51.159 --> 00:23:53.228
Yeah, of the seas.
00:23:53.228 --> 00:23:53.995
You know,
00:23:53.995 --> 00:23:55.931
There's some nice cruises and everybody's going to be in the comment section
00:23:55.931 --> 00:23:57.799
Right now telling me all the cruise lines i should try out. yeah.
00:23:57.799 --> 00:24:00.569
But for me, as somebody who is deliver from alcohol, a lot of people do
00:24:00.569 --> 00:24:04.673
Go on cruises to just drink exorbitant amount like the sun and all that.
00:24:04.673 --> 00:24:08.276
Right?
00:24:08.276 --> 00:24:09.611
And so for me, that's not my ideal vacation.
00:24:09.611 --> 00:24:12.147
And i like to explore.
00:24:12.147 --> 00:24:14.249
Yeah.
00:24:14.249 --> 00:24:15.083
So i did compromise.
00:24:15.083 --> 00:24:16.618
And we went one year and i got a little seasick.
00:24:16.618 --> 00:24:19.254
So i took dramamine, not knowing that i have some kind of allergic reaction to it.
00:24:19.254 --> 00:24:24.626
There are some reasons i was reading, and for three days straight
00:24:25.961 --> 00:24:28.663
The cruise was only for.
00:24:29.164 --> 00:24:30.465
I mean, i was in and out of consciousness.
00:24:30.465 --> 00:24:32.501
I have never slept that much in my adult life.
00:24:32.501 --> 00:24:35.937
So okay, so what i was saying like, okay, so you're on a cruise, right?
00:24:35.937 --> 00:24:39.574
And what happens is, is as you get closer
00:24:40.442 --> 00:24:43.044
To the shore, it becomes more clear to you.
00:24:43.044 --> 00:24:46.281
Yeah, but all that's already there,
00:24:46.281 --> 00:24:50.218
It's not it didn't appear it was there forever.
00:24:51.219 --> 00:24:54.322
It's just your vantage point changed.
00:24:55.123 --> 00:24:57.526
Yeah. and i think in marriage it's like two.
00:24:57.526 --> 00:25:00.395
It's like a cruise ship being really far from the shore.
00:25:00.395 --> 00:25:03.765
And over the years, as you get closer and closer, over time,
00:25:04.966 --> 00:25:07.168
You begin to see a little bit more
00:25:07.168 --> 00:25:10.238
Clearly and now,
00:25:10.238 --> 00:25:13.575
Fortunately for those who have access to the internet
00:25:14.676 --> 00:25:16.478
And all these amazing tools that are out there like this stream, like
00:25:16.478 --> 00:25:20.815
This podcast, like this sermon series, you guys are lighting years
00:25:20.815 --> 00:25:24.819
Ahead of us, but that ship can move a lot faster for you.
00:25:24.819 --> 00:25:28.590
For us, it was a really slow, you know, we were growers.
00:25:28.590 --> 00:25:32.494
We were on a rowboat 20 years ago.
00:25:33.261 --> 00:25:35.030
Yeah.
00:25:35.030 --> 00:25:36.164
You people take this for granted,
00:25:36.164 --> 00:25:38.900
But like 20 years ago, counseling wasn't normalized.
00:25:39.935 --> 00:25:42.837
No. in fact, yeah.
00:25:43.271 --> 00:25:44.839
Wouldn't you say it was, like, kind of looked down upon?
00:25:44.839 --> 00:25:47.509
Yeah.
00:25:47.509 --> 00:25:49.277
It was almost like counseling meant something was really wrong.
00:25:49.277 --> 00:25:51.179
Yeah. and it wasn't going to get better.
00:25:52.047 --> 00:25:53.114
That was the perception.
00:25:53.114 --> 00:25:54.616
It wasn't like, i'm going to go to counseling
00:25:54.616 --> 00:25:56.184
And it's going to make us better, right?
00:25:56.184 --> 00:25:57.786
The perception was something's really wrong
00:25:57.786 --> 00:25:59.921
And it's never going to get better, and it's just something you do to help.
00:25:59.921 --> 00:26:03.191
And then like you had mentioned one of the christian bookstore.
00:26:04.392 --> 00:26:06.428
And in the christian bookstore, it was like you could read the books
00:26:07.762 --> 00:26:09.631
And stuff, but there was no, i mean we got married like pre youtube.
00:26:09.631 --> 00:26:13.702
Yeah.
00:26:13.935 --> 00:26:15.537
So there was no like you just go on youtube and whatever.
00:26:15.537 --> 00:26:17.539
Now i say all that to say that like we did make the decision go to counseling.
00:26:19.040 --> 00:26:21.610
And we did a couple different rounds of it in a couple different ways.
00:26:23.044 --> 00:26:25.480
And each round had a different effect on us.
00:26:26.381 --> 00:26:28.049
But ultimately it was the work that we've put in
00:26:28.049 --> 00:26:32.087
Because a counselor can't make our marriage healthy,
00:26:33.121 --> 00:26:35.991
It's us choosing to use the tools that the counselor gave us.
00:26:37.258 --> 00:26:40.895
You know what i mean?
00:26:41.396 --> 00:26:42.163
It's almost like the
00:26:42.163 --> 00:26:44.065
I can hand you a hammer and the nails and the lumber give you the blueprint
00:26:44.065 --> 00:26:47.569
And tell you how to build a house, but you have to actually build it.
00:26:47.569 --> 00:26:51.306
You have to swing the hammer, you know what i mean?
00:26:51.306 --> 00:26:53.441
So what we were really doing was like, we were getting the blueprints,
00:26:53.441 --> 00:26:57.012
Getting the raw materials into me.
00:26:57.012 --> 00:26:58.780
And you had to be like, are we going to build this signal rally house?
00:26:58.780 --> 00:27:01.616
Right. and and we cut ourselves doing it.
00:27:01.616 --> 00:27:05.286
We were tired. we are exhausted.
00:27:05.920 --> 00:27:07.756
But then when we step back and this is a thing a lot of people, you know,
00:27:07.756 --> 00:27:10.792
I wish i had a marriage like yours to us feels like the equivalency of man.
00:27:10.792 --> 00:27:16.097
I wish i had a house like that, but it's like, man,
00:27:17.132 --> 00:27:19.100
But we built this house through the snow, through the rain, through the storm.
00:27:19.100 --> 00:27:21.803
Like brick by brick.
00:27:22.270 --> 00:27:23.605
You know we built this thing, you know, and.
00:27:23.605 --> 00:27:25.440
And so it wasn't given to us.
00:27:25.440 --> 00:27:27.809
And i think a lot of people have this mindset of, like,
00:27:27.809 --> 00:27:31.012
Healthy marriages are inherited, not built.
00:27:31.880 --> 00:27:34.382
Right? right. you work on it every day. yes.
00:27:34.382 --> 00:27:37.852
And it's like even
00:27:38.286 --> 00:27:40.055
Adam and eve is such a great narrative because they're complementary.
00:27:40.055 --> 00:27:43.525
But satan comes and just is easily able to deceive eve.
00:27:44.659 --> 00:27:48.229
Eve is easily able to persuade her husband.
00:27:49.164 --> 00:27:51.966
And, you know, obviously adam didn't lead in that situation.
00:27:53.168 --> 00:27:56.237
And humanity falls.
00:27:56.705 --> 00:27:58.006
And so you took
00:27:58.006 --> 00:27:59.741
You know, a lot of times right now we talk about, are soulmates real?
00:27:59.741 --> 00:28:03.478
Let me know in the comment section whether or not
00:28:04.479 --> 00:28:05.714
You think soulmates are a real thing.
00:28:05.714 --> 00:28:07.515
Like, is there one person, hey, mike signoret here in the studio,
00:28:07.515 --> 00:28:11.720
We're getting ready to jump back into the sermon,
00:28:11.720 --> 00:28:14.155
But just very briefly, i wanted to let you know
00:28:14.155 --> 00:28:17.192
That i have a resource called the breakers mobile app,
00:28:17.192 --> 00:28:21.196
And i have so many courses there that teach you supernatural ministry
00:28:22.597 --> 00:28:26.267
And how you can unlock the gifts that god has given you.
00:28:27.368 --> 00:28:29.337
I want you to download the mobile app and join a global community of people
00:28:29.337 --> 00:28:33.742
Learning the narrow way people learning how to operate
00:28:33.742 --> 00:28:37.512
In the fullness of what god has for them, and the gifts of the spirit.
00:28:37.512 --> 00:28:41.783
It's called the breakers of mobile app.
00:28:41.783 --> 00:28:44.018
It's actually entirely free and you can download it now on your device.
00:28:44.018 --> 00:28:48.590
I will see you there.
00:28:48.590 --> 00:28:52.727
But here's what we here's what i know
00:28:53.528 --> 00:28:55.630
Biblically is that eve was the one for adam.
00:28:55.630 --> 00:28:59.834
Think about it.
00:29:00.201 --> 00:29:01.536
She was the only one. she was the only one.
00:29:01.536 --> 00:29:03.037
And yet they still fell, right?
00:29:03.037 --> 00:29:05.740
So this is a mic drop moment for somebody.
00:29:05.740 --> 00:29:08.810
That's good.
00:29:08.810 --> 00:29:10.578
But like, even when god says, yeah, this is the one, her name is eve,
00:29:10.578 --> 00:29:14.215
You're still going to fall. yeah.
00:29:14.949 --> 00:29:16.551
And so what you've got to do is to say, okay, god, cover me in
00:29:16.551 --> 00:29:19.654
My nakedness, walk with me in the garden and teach me your ways.
00:29:19.654 --> 00:29:24.392
Yeah.
00:29:24.392 --> 00:29:25.894
And i think for me and you, we had to call out to god.
00:29:25.894 --> 00:29:28.563
God, cover our marriage, cover us, walk with us.
00:29:28.563 --> 00:29:31.566
We need to figure this out. we don't know.
00:29:31.566 --> 00:29:33.501
And through a lot of humility, i think just as we come to a close on this,
00:29:33.501 --> 00:29:37.739
What women really want men, women really want security.
00:29:37.739 --> 00:29:42.844
And they don't feel secure when they don't have the password to your phone.
00:29:44.312 --> 00:29:47.682
They don't feel secure when they can't log
00:29:48.583 --> 00:29:50.685
Into the bank account and and even see it.
00:29:50.685 --> 00:29:53.955
They don't feel secure
00:29:54.455 --> 00:29:55.423
When you're telling them
00:29:55.423 --> 00:29:57.258
How much you don't like that woman at work, unintentionally revealing
00:29:57.258 --> 00:30:00.595
That that's the only way you can talk about her to your wife.
00:30:00.595 --> 00:30:04.499
And you actually like her, and you have a work wife.
00:30:05.533 --> 00:30:07.101
They don't feel safe when you've always got an excuse for
00:30:07.101 --> 00:30:10.538
Why you don't go to church, but you would drop everything to go to a football game.
00:30:10.538 --> 00:30:14.475
If somebody gave you tickets.
00:30:14.475 --> 00:30:16.311
They don't feel safe.
00:30:16.311 --> 00:30:18.179
When you can watch an ma with your son, but
00:30:18.179 --> 00:30:21.516
Not sit them down and go through the daily growth journal and read the bible.
00:30:21.516 --> 00:30:25.420
They don't feel safe
00:30:25.887 --> 00:30:27.789
When you know how to fix a car, but you don't know how to fix your marriage
00:30:27.789 --> 00:30:29.958
Like the men like you have to procreate safety.
00:30:30.959 --> 00:30:34.429
And what i started to do is i started to basically just sacrifice.
00:30:35.797 --> 00:30:38.233
Like i'm going to do whatever i can to try to help julie feel safe
00:30:38.233 --> 00:30:42.470
And i and stop being mad that you didn't trust me and do that.
00:30:43.671 --> 00:30:47.475
But then you had a dream. and i want to end on this.
00:30:47.475 --> 00:30:49.811
Yeah, because if you guys got this far, you're a real one.
00:30:49.811 --> 00:30:52.313
And your marriage, there is hope for your marriage.
00:30:52.313 --> 00:30:54.315
Do you want to say one thing, though, about the respect thing?
00:30:54.315 --> 00:30:57.085
Because i think some women think that by staying married that that's respect.
00:30:57.085 --> 00:31:02.357
Like, oh, you're lucky i'm still here.
00:31:03.191 --> 00:31:05.059
No, ladies, that's not respect.
00:31:05.059 --> 00:31:07.662
The fact is, is you chose to stay for regardless of your reasons.
00:31:07.662 --> 00:31:11.933
Whatever they are, it doesn't matter what they are.
00:31:11.933 --> 00:31:14.435
If you choose to say you choose to bury whatever that thing
00:31:14.435 --> 00:31:18.273
Is, you have to let it go.
00:31:18.273 --> 00:31:20.341
You have to resolve in your heart to forgive, move on, not bring it up again.
00:31:20.341 --> 00:31:24.612
But so many women, because of the reasons why they stay.
00:31:25.747 --> 00:31:27.548
They bring up those things constantly, bringing up the past.
00:31:27.548 --> 00:31:30.718
That is not respect being their mom.
00:31:30.718 --> 00:31:33.354
That is not respect.
00:31:33.354 --> 00:31:34.856
Talking to them, talking to them with like the like
00:31:34.856 --> 00:31:38.092
Less care than you would your friend on the phone.
00:31:38.092 --> 00:31:42.030
That's disrespect.
00:31:42.463 --> 00:31:44.399
So sometimes so much can be solved by just talking to your husband the same.
00:31:44.399 --> 00:31:49.170
You talk to your friend on the phone, you know, like if you would give them
00:31:50.638 --> 00:31:53.408
The same luxury of, like, we've talked about this, you've asked me,
00:31:53.408 --> 00:31:58.746
Why do you give your friends my girlfriends eye contact?
00:31:59.881 --> 00:32:02.317
But you don't get you don't look me in the eye.
00:32:02.317 --> 00:32:04.485
I'm like, all right, i'll do better.
00:32:04.485 --> 00:32:07.088
And why was that?
00:32:07.088 --> 00:32:08.089
I don't remember the answer.
00:32:08.089 --> 00:32:10.058
Well, let's let's bring it up again.
00:32:10.058 --> 00:32:11.326
I think it's because i'm so secure with you.
00:32:11.326 --> 00:32:15.063
Like, it's actually a compliment, you know what i mean?
00:32:15.063 --> 00:32:19.334
Like, oh, this is we're we're lifers.
00:32:19.334 --> 00:32:21.636
We're together for life. like, i'm good.
00:32:21.636 --> 00:32:24.839
You know?
00:32:24.839 --> 00:32:25.673
But that kind of comfort
00:32:25.673 --> 00:32:28.509
Can be interpreted as disrespect.
00:32:29.243 --> 00:32:31.079
Well, you did you well, because even though that's not disrespectful to me,
00:32:31.079 --> 00:32:33.915
I literally could care less.
00:32:33.915 --> 00:32:35.183
If you're like, on your phone doing something.
00:32:35.183 --> 00:32:37.318
As long as we're sitting close, like, i'm good.
00:32:37.318 --> 00:32:39.587
Like that is it's different for me.
00:32:39.587 --> 00:32:41.990
But for you that's disrespectful to you, which probably
00:32:41.990 --> 00:32:46.094
Is just so people understand. i'm more like european.
00:32:46.094 --> 00:32:48.930
Like whenever i go to europe, i'm jealous at the way that they engage
00:32:48.930 --> 00:32:53.134
With each other.
00:32:53.134 --> 00:32:54.535
When you go to european countries like i'm italian,
00:32:54.535 --> 00:32:56.838
And when we go to italy, i mean, they are looking each other in the eyes.
00:32:56.838 --> 00:32:59.941
There's no phones.
00:32:59.941 --> 00:33:01.342
And when the like uncomfortably, yeah, i kind of like it.
00:33:01.342 --> 00:33:05.013
Yeah.
00:33:05.013 --> 00:33:06.781
And even when like people are dating and you know, i don't know
00:33:06.781 --> 00:33:08.649
Man, they're romantic overseas and like, you know, for as much
00:33:08.649 --> 00:33:12.487
As i'm on social media, i'm actually not like addicted to my phone.
00:33:12.487 --> 00:33:16.290
And when we would talk, i would be thinking in my mind, like, now
00:33:17.625 --> 00:33:19.727
Why don't we have a relationship like those, like, crazy europeans?
00:33:19.727 --> 00:33:23.731
Yeah.
00:33:23.965 --> 00:33:25.166
Le pew or whatever it was, you know, like.
00:33:25.166 --> 00:33:26.901
And i'm like that even when we went to the funny story is,
00:33:26.901 --> 00:33:31.172
You know, i used to travel to budapest, hungary
00:33:32.140 --> 00:33:34.075
Once or twice a year and minister in hungary, and i would minister in ukraine,
00:33:34.075 --> 00:33:37.779
And i would always there's a when you go to budapest,
00:33:38.813 --> 00:33:40.848
There's a mountain, and if you climb this little mountain,
00:33:40.848 --> 00:33:43.584
You can see over the whole city it's, it's so, it's so amazing.
00:33:43.584 --> 00:33:47.555
And all the years that i would minister out there, i would climb
00:33:48.856 --> 00:33:50.391
That hill for exercise, that mountain or whatever it is.
00:33:50.391 --> 00:33:53.494
Allo alone.
00:33:53.828 --> 00:33:55.730
And when you're meandering your way up, you're passing all these couples
00:33:55.730 --> 00:33:59.667
On a blanket, you know, who are just, like, making out and, you know, whatever.
00:33:59.667 --> 00:34:04.906
And i would say, man, one day i'm going to get julie out here
00:34:06.107 --> 00:34:08.209
And we're going to make out on this mountain,
00:34:09.177 --> 00:34:10.678
And we're going to look out into budapest or whatever.
00:34:10.678 --> 00:34:12.346
And i finally get you in budapest, hungary.
00:34:12.346 --> 00:34:16.050
Yeah. and all of a sudden we're going, going up the mountain.
00:34:17.251 --> 00:34:18.386
You're like, my legs hurt, i'm tired.
00:34:18.386 --> 00:34:20.688
And i'm like, my my whole fantasy is crumbling.
00:34:20.688 --> 00:34:24.225
My shoe, bro. yeah, her shoe broke.
00:34:25.026 --> 00:34:26.627
Then all of a sudden i'm like, look at that cupboard in that,
00:34:26.627 --> 00:34:28.696
You know, and you're like, i don't know.
00:34:28.696 --> 00:34:30.364
It's kind of weird.
00:34:30.364 --> 00:34:32.366
And all of a sudden, like, i found that there is a spot that i had this one spot
00:34:32.366 --> 00:34:36.270
And it was dark and i was like, hey, come over here, you know?
00:34:37.438 --> 00:34:40.208
And i was trying to like, hey, we're going to have our romantic, like,
00:34:40.208 --> 00:34:43.444
European moment where we meet up and you're like,
00:34:44.378 --> 00:34:46.380
I don't know, it's dark over there.
00:34:46.380 --> 00:34:47.982
And in my mind i was like, i'm afraid i'm going to get mugged.
00:34:47.982 --> 00:34:50.785
It's like a perfectly safe area to be done.
00:34:50.785 --> 00:34:53.321
Yeah.
00:34:53.321 --> 00:34:54.222
And it was a total fail.
00:34:54.222 --> 00:34:56.958
And we didn't even make out or nothing.
00:34:56.958 --> 00:34:58.559
No, my point is i had a we had a mismatched expectation
00:34:58.559 --> 00:35:03.664
Because in my mind, i wanted us to like, man
00:35:04.565 --> 00:35:07.702
Because i don't want to be married 20, 30, 40 years.
00:35:08.736 --> 00:35:09.637
And you become roommates.
00:35:09.637 --> 00:35:11.172
Yeah.
00:35:11.172 --> 00:35:12.006
And you're, you know,
00:35:12.006 --> 00:35:13.908
And i had to confront you and be like, why is it that when you're talking
00:35:13.908 --> 00:35:16.611
To your friends, you're looking them in their eyes, you're engaging them?
00:35:16.611 --> 00:35:19.413
When you're around me, you're chilling.
00:35:19.413 --> 00:35:21.315
But again, that was an opportunity.
00:35:21.315 --> 00:35:23.451
And this could maybe help somebody out there for me to interpret
00:35:23.451 --> 00:35:27.088
Your comfortability as disrespect,
00:35:27.088 --> 00:35:30.458
When actually it was not connected to respect at all.
00:35:31.492 --> 00:35:34.395
It was literally like, hey, mike, when i'm with them, i feel like i have to be on.
00:35:36.030 --> 00:35:38.332
And when i'm with you, i feel like i'm safe.
00:35:39.267 --> 00:35:40.668
Yeah. right. right.
00:35:40.668 --> 00:35:42.436
But then also i had to communicate it in a non-threatening way.
00:35:42.436 --> 00:35:45.773
But then there is the counterbalance, like, okay,
00:35:45.773 --> 00:35:48.543
But there's another human in this equation.
00:35:48.543 --> 00:35:52.880
And your spouse feels disrespected when you don't look them in the eye.
00:35:52.880 --> 00:35:58.286
Yeah.
00:35:58.519 --> 00:36:00.388
And a lot of men and i get in so much trouble for saying things like this
00:36:00.388 --> 00:36:03.291
Because people, they get triggered and they don't, they don't understand.
00:36:03.291 --> 00:36:07.962
But a lot of men, when they cheat, it is
00:36:08.796 --> 00:36:10.831
Because they feel respected, admired by.
00:36:10.831 --> 00:36:15.002
And some someone else.
00:36:15.503 --> 00:36:17.338
Yeah, the girl, the wife and the women are always like, oh, did you see her?
00:36:17.338 --> 00:36:19.907
What did what did he like?
00:36:19.907 --> 00:36:21.375
She's a she's so ugly.
00:36:21.375 --> 00:36:23.010
Looked him in the eye. right.
00:36:23.010 --> 00:36:24.845
It's like she, she like treats him a different way.
00:36:24.845 --> 00:36:28.916
Yeah.
00:36:29.150 --> 00:36:30.885
And men are really weird like that where it's like they think that
00:36:30.885 --> 00:36:32.386
A lot of women think that men want this, like the mud flaps, girl.
00:36:33.688 --> 00:36:36.390
You know, like the perfect hourglass figure.
00:36:36.390 --> 00:36:38.559
I like my flaps.
00:36:38.559 --> 00:36:40.094
But i know you're talking about that talking hillbilly lady on.
00:36:40.094 --> 00:36:42.163
Yeah. woman on the back of the mud. yes, yes.
00:36:42.163 --> 00:36:45.066
You know, guys are programed for that when you see, like,
00:36:45.066 --> 00:36:48.402
The imagery we're exposed to, you would think that because
00:36:49.503 --> 00:36:52.340
That's what culture puts out, that that's what men want.
00:36:52.340 --> 00:36:56.344
And sometimes women are so confused, like why would he ever with.
00:36:57.678 --> 00:37:00.014
And it's like, dude, it's because of the way she treated him.
00:37:01.282 --> 00:37:03.851
Yeah.
00:37:04.085 --> 00:37:05.386
And men crave now that doesn't justify, right?
00:37:05.386 --> 00:37:07.722
It doesn't make it right, but it explains it.
00:37:08.689 --> 00:37:10.891
So it's like, i know i'm not.
00:37:11.525 --> 00:37:13.394
Again, i'm if you've been victimized and totally destroyed as a result
00:37:13.394 --> 00:37:16.530
Of somebody's infidelity, in no way, shape or form did i want to disrespect that.
00:37:16.530 --> 00:37:21.302
But i do want you to understand that,
00:37:22.103 --> 00:37:24.105
Like sometimes men will find those and other things,
00:37:24.105 --> 00:37:28.376
And it's kind of the biblical version of it is like a prophet in his hometown
00:37:28.376 --> 00:37:32.647
Is without honor.
00:37:32.647 --> 00:37:34.448
So in other words, like, you know, i've gone to preach at other great
00:37:34.448 --> 00:37:37.418
Men of god's churches and, and where these guys are renown authors.
00:37:37.418 --> 00:37:42.056
These guys are prolific preachers, you know, they they're legends
00:37:42.056 --> 00:37:46.961
And in their own church, their staff and their church members don't respect
00:37:48.429 --> 00:37:50.665
Them, you know, and it's like that same pastor goes to another church to minister,
00:37:50.665 --> 00:37:56.037
And there's a line out the door to for a book signing,
00:37:57.071 --> 00:37:58.773
And they go to their own church like, oh, whatever, that's pastor.
00:37:58.773 --> 00:38:01.275
And i've been grieved ministering in the pulpit of legends that their own church.
00:38:01.275 --> 00:38:06.547
And so i think sometimes there's this familiarity.
00:38:07.581 --> 00:38:10.051
And so like sometimes it's like when you're a man,
00:38:11.085 --> 00:38:12.853
When that familiarity sets in, when somebody doesn't treat
00:38:12.853 --> 00:38:16.757
You like that, it, it just, it makes you feel so alive.
00:38:16.757 --> 00:38:21.128
And same for women.
00:38:21.595 --> 00:38:23.130
You know, if think about your house, if somebody came in
00:38:23.130 --> 00:38:25.833
And was like, i'm going to clean your house
00:38:26.767 --> 00:38:28.669
For free, i'm going to do your laundry, i'm going to buy all your groceries.
00:38:28.669 --> 00:38:31.772
I'm going to i'm not even going to wait for you to ask for deodorant.
00:38:33.207 --> 00:38:35.109
I'm just going to wait for you to mention you're out of deodorant
00:38:35.109 --> 00:38:39.280
And then go get it for you.
00:38:39.280 --> 00:38:40.781
If somebody came into your home and did all those things,
00:38:40.781 --> 00:38:43.984
You would be like, this is the greatest person of my life.
00:38:45.152 --> 00:38:47.021
You'd want to pay them.
00:38:47.021 --> 00:38:48.522
You would want to give them your attention, your time.
00:38:48.522 --> 00:38:50.791
You would want to thank them in some way.
00:38:50.791 --> 00:38:52.860
And it's like wives do that every single day.
00:38:52.860 --> 00:38:55.363
Yeah. and it's so casual, it's so familiar.
00:38:55.363 --> 00:38:58.032
And i think something that i really want to try to do in this next
00:38:58.032 --> 00:39:02.670
Two decades of our marriage is really
00:39:03.471 --> 00:39:07.141
I've been asking the holy spirit like, remind me when i'm too familiar.
00:39:07.141 --> 00:39:12.346
Like in our case, and i know this isn't the case
00:39:13.314 --> 00:39:15.249
For everybody, i don't mind getting too off topic. do you want to wrap it up.
00:39:15.249 --> 00:39:17.651
No, i can save it for another podcast i will say.
00:39:17.651 --> 00:39:19.987
And i'm excited to say this, we have three more videos coming.
00:39:19.987 --> 00:39:24.892
Oh maybe i'll save it.
00:39:25.393 --> 00:39:26.594
I can binge watch it like literally.
00:39:26.594 --> 00:39:28.496
But go ahead and say it because we're all on the edge of our seat right now.
00:39:28.496 --> 00:39:31.298
I was thinking about the familiarity and, you know, like our dynamic is different.
00:39:32.867 --> 00:39:37.104
So we're husband and wife, but we're also pastor congregant and we're boss staff.
00:39:38.706 --> 00:39:42.143
So we have like these three really or two
00:39:43.043 --> 00:39:46.380
Really odd dynamics that most people probably don't have.
00:39:46.380 --> 00:39:50.885
And something i do to
00:39:51.385 --> 00:39:52.686
Break the familiarity of pastor congregant
00:39:52.686 --> 00:39:55.790
Is when we're in spaces of our church, i call you pastor mike
00:39:55.790 --> 00:40:01.495
Because that's not for you.
00:40:02.096 --> 00:40:04.598
That is for me.
00:40:04.598 --> 00:40:06.300
It's to remind me like he is my pastor still.
00:40:06.300 --> 00:40:10.471
And then when we are in our work settings,
00:40:11.372 --> 00:40:14.375
I try to treat you as if you are a boss.
00:40:14.375 --> 00:40:17.878
That i'm not married to because that is, you know, that would be the dynamic
00:40:19.380 --> 00:40:23.184
If i were in a corporate room and in our home.
00:40:24.151 --> 00:40:26.387
I'm trying to treat you as if i like
00:40:26.387 --> 00:40:31.091
Indentured servant.
00:40:31.559 --> 00:40:35.329
I'm trying to treat you like.
00:40:35.963 --> 00:40:37.898
No, i'm i'm i'm trying.
00:40:37.898 --> 00:40:40.134
And, you know, i'm not there yet.
00:40:40.134 --> 00:40:42.136
Like, i'm going to get there, because that's what i'm working on.
00:40:42.136 --> 00:40:45.473
But, i'm trying to treat you as i did when we were dating.
00:40:46.640 --> 00:40:49.977
That's my goal.
00:40:49.977 --> 00:40:51.245
Yeah.
00:40:51.245 --> 00:40:52.480
And, i may not get it right every day.
00:40:52.480 --> 00:40:54.582
I mean, there's times where i'm like, if i got to pick up your socks one more time,
00:40:54.582 --> 00:40:57.785
You know, like,
00:40:58.152 --> 00:41:00.020
We had the argument about the toothbrush that you talked about on sunday
00:41:00.020 --> 00:41:02.122
A few weeks ago, which by the way, i did purchase him
00:41:02.122 --> 00:41:05.159
A new toothbrush, in case you all were wondering.
00:41:05.159 --> 00:41:08.729
It's like trying
00:41:09.096 --> 00:41:10.431
Not to let those things break the familiarity.
00:41:10.431 --> 00:41:14.335
Yeah, and i didn't say there
00:41:14.935 --> 00:41:16.937
There could be some people listening right now who are like, man, that's weird.
00:41:16.937 --> 00:41:19.340
That was cringe.
00:41:19.340 --> 00:41:20.474
Like she calls her husband pastor.
00:41:20.474 --> 00:41:23.010
And but here's what actually happens,
00:41:23.010 --> 00:41:25.112
Because what actually happens is it humbles me.
00:41:25.112 --> 00:41:28.916
See, when you when you honor a good man,
00:41:29.783 --> 00:41:32.219
That honor produces humility in that man.
00:41:33.120 --> 00:41:35.122
In other words, when you call me pastor, it makes me want to be a better pastor.
00:41:35.122 --> 00:41:40.160
So like a humble person, when when you honor somebody
00:41:41.195 --> 00:41:43.397
Who has a level of humility and you're like,
00:41:43.397 --> 00:41:45.299
I call him my pastor, i'm not sitting here thinking, i'm the greatest.
00:41:45.299 --> 00:41:49.270
I'm thinking, man, this is serious.
00:41:50.004 --> 00:41:51.972
Because when she left, the last church married me and we launched a church.
00:41:51.972 --> 00:41:56.810
I have to pastor her, which means i have to get up ahead of her.
00:41:58.145 --> 00:42:00.347
I have to, leader. i need to pray more than her.
00:42:00.347 --> 00:42:02.750
I need to fast more than her. i, you know, like you.
00:42:02.750 --> 00:42:05.519
All you're doing by honoring me is inspiring me to be better.
00:42:05.519 --> 00:42:09.823
It's like, i don't want to fail you and i don't want to prove you wrong.
00:42:11.258 --> 00:42:13.494
And i think a lot of people, that's why they become familiars.
00:42:14.762 --> 00:42:16.764
He doesn't deserve that. he.
00:42:16.764 --> 00:42:18.899
If i start treating him like that, it's going to get to his head.
00:42:18.899 --> 00:42:21.502
He's going to become a narcissist.
00:42:21.502 --> 00:42:22.903
I think he already is a narcissist.
00:42:22.903 --> 00:42:24.838
But it's like, yeah, but you married him.
00:42:24.838 --> 00:42:26.840
Where are you that dumb?
00:42:26.840 --> 00:42:28.342
Or maybe you're just wrong.
00:42:28.342 --> 00:42:30.844
Like i don't think you probably married a narcissist.
00:42:30.844 --> 00:42:33.180
I think right now it's cliche and super popular to diagnose
00:42:33.180 --> 00:42:37.518
Like some of y'all didn't even pass your psychology class
00:42:37.518 --> 00:42:41.455
For your humanities requirement of your degree in college.
00:42:42.590 --> 00:42:44.959
And yet you're prescribing and people left and right.
00:42:46.026 --> 00:42:47.628
Yeah.
00:42:47.628 --> 00:42:48.896
It's like you don't even know what narcissism is.
00:42:48.896 --> 00:42:50.431
Yeah.
00:42:50.431 --> 00:42:51.765
What what you're actually calling narcissism
00:42:51.765 --> 00:42:54.068
Is the way your husband reacted to your disrespect.
00:42:54.068 --> 00:42:57.471
He's probably not a legitimate narcissist, like,
00:42:58.472 --> 00:43:00.307
Clinically diagnosed, and he probably wouldn't be diagnosed.
00:43:00.307 --> 00:43:04.478
He's probably just extremely upset because he lives in a world
00:43:05.746 --> 00:43:07.715
Where he just doesn't feel admired and respected, and he's.
00:43:07.715 --> 00:43:10.484
And somebody has got to be the redeemer. right.
00:43:10.484 --> 00:43:12.920
And i think for me and you, it was like i,
00:43:12.920 --> 00:43:15.089
You know, when you were basically like, i'm going to call him my pastor.
00:43:15.089 --> 00:43:18.826
And then guess what happened?
00:43:18.826 --> 00:43:20.661
It didn't make me more egotistical.
00:43:20.661 --> 00:43:22.463
It made me more humble.
00:43:22.463 --> 00:43:23.664
I'm going to call him my boss.
00:43:23.664 --> 00:43:26.734
It didn't i didn't lord it over.
00:43:26.734 --> 00:43:28.168
I was like, man, i've got to treat her right. she.
00:43:28.168 --> 00:43:31.071
And because really, what happens biblically is you, you.
00:43:31.071 --> 00:43:34.608
So you reap what you sow.
00:43:34.608 --> 00:43:37.344
So the thing is, it's like the bible even says love your enemies.
00:43:37.344 --> 00:43:40.848
So it's like
00:43:41.181 --> 00:43:43.083
You can't even love your spouse, but you're supposed to love your enemies.
00:43:43.083 --> 00:43:44.918
You're not, by that definition, are you even a christian?
00:43:44.918 --> 00:43:48.255
Because it's like the jesus standard for being a christian was love
00:43:49.590 --> 00:43:52.359
Your enemies, not tolerate, not ignore, love them.
00:43:52.359 --> 00:43:57.064
But we can't even love our spouse who's not our enemy.
00:43:58.165 --> 00:43:59.967
Matter of fact, you're one in the spirit.
00:43:59.967 --> 00:44:01.835
You know you're one in the flesh rather. and so.
00:44:01.835 --> 00:44:04.772
So you're literally hating yourself.
00:44:04.772 --> 00:44:06.674
Yeah.
00:44:06.674 --> 00:44:07.608
And i think for me, it was like
00:44:07.608 --> 00:44:08.442
We started to go
00:44:08.442 --> 00:44:09.677
On this journey of discovery and we're going
00:44:09.677 --> 00:44:11.445
And we're going to leave it on a cliffhanger.
00:44:11.445 --> 00:44:12.946
Because we're getting into some stuff right now. but
00:44:12.946 --> 00:44:16.950
I would just end on this and i'll give you the final word.
00:44:18.118 --> 00:44:20.454
But by the way, if you're watching this right now
00:44:20.454 --> 00:44:22.389
And have not tap the subscribe button,
00:44:22.389 --> 00:44:25.125
You've got to like slide your thumb over right now if you're watching on a phone
00:44:25.125 --> 00:44:28.462
And just physically tap the subscribe button.
00:44:28.462 --> 00:44:30.564
Matter of fact, it animates.
00:44:30.564 --> 00:44:32.332
You should watch that little animation and see if you can do that.
00:44:32.332 --> 00:44:35.002
Right now we feel disrespected when you don't.
00:44:35.002 --> 00:44:37.004
Oh yeah, show is love.
00:44:37.004 --> 00:44:39.339
Your body doesn't feel secure if you don't subscribe.
00:44:39.339 --> 00:44:42.976
Right.
00:44:42.976 --> 00:44:45.012
But we're going to i want you to binge all these sessions, binge them if you're
00:44:45.012 --> 00:44:47.314
Single, benjamin, with your spouse and let's go on this journey of healing.
00:44:47.314 --> 00:44:50.651
And we want you to continue the conversation in the comment section,
00:44:50.651 --> 00:44:54.221
But also with your spouse, like, talk about what we talked about
00:44:54.221 --> 00:44:57.524
And use this as a basis of it.
00:44:58.158 --> 00:44:59.526
But jules, you know, we came a long way together.
00:44:59.526 --> 00:45:02.196
And, this is what men and women really want, and we're still figuring it.
00:45:02.196 --> 00:45:06.433
Figuring it out. yeah.
00:45:06.433 --> 00:45:09.236
Do you feel secure now?
00:45:09.737 --> 00:45:11.538
I feel secure now.
00:45:11.538 --> 00:45:14.274
But, also, i would say, like, we're getting better
00:45:14.274 --> 00:45:16.844
Right in front of you, you know, right in front of you guys.
00:45:16.844 --> 00:45:20.013
Like, we're getting better every day.
00:45:20.013 --> 00:45:22.015
And i hope that when i watch this video and five years and ten years, i'm like,
00:45:22.015 --> 00:45:27.421
Oh, man, girl, you've come a long way because i know i've come a long way.
00:45:28.889 --> 00:45:32.960
20 years ago for sure.
00:45:33.460 --> 00:45:35.062
And i don't ever want to just put my feet on the coffee table
00:45:35.062 --> 00:45:38.766
And be like, our marriage is good enough.
00:45:38.766 --> 00:45:40.434
Like, i want to get a little bit better every single year.
00:45:40.434 --> 00:45:44.538
That's my goal, you know?
00:45:44.538 --> 00:45:46.373
And, so i feel respected,
00:45:46.373 --> 00:45:49.576
I feel loved, i feel cherished, i feel safe,
00:45:49.576 --> 00:45:54.014
Well, hey,
00:45:54.314 --> 00:45:56.083
Let us know what your favorite part about this entire teaching was.
00:45:56.083 --> 00:45:58.485
And we're trying to we, you know, do this as unscripted as possible.
00:45:59.820 --> 00:46:01.989
And by the way, just tap the next video and let's binge this whole thing.
00:46:03.390 --> 00:46:05.459
If i'd binge it in one go.
00:46:05.459 --> 00:46:07.327
A netflix series. love you guys so much.
00:46:07.327 --> 00:46:09.596
I'll see you in the comments.
00:46:09.596 --> 00:46:11.565
And go ahead and tap this video right now and we will see you in the next one.
00:46:11.565 --> 00:46:15.602
Love you. love you.
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I really want to thank you for supporting this ministry.
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Pray about what god would have you do.
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Many lives are being changed because of your generosity.
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Mike Signorelli - We Shouldn't Have Gotten Married: The Truth About Our Marriage

January 6, 2026 | 47:39

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