Relationships: Love and War | TBN

Relationships: Love and War

Watch Relationships: Love and War
May 17, 2020
27:29

Conflict is inevitable; especially during this time of quarantining. Pastor Kerry gives key ways to handle conflict the right way so that relationships are protected and even grow.

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Relationships: Love and War

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  • Kerry Shook: This coronaviruscrisis is not just a health
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  • crisis, it's not justan economic crisis,
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  • but it's turning out to bea relational crisis
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  • of epic proportion.
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  • ♪♪♪
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  • CC by Aberdeen Captioning1-800-688-6621www.abercap.com
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  • ♪♪♪
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  • Kerry: I've always beeninterested in Civil War history,
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  • and one of the things I find sofascinating about the Civil War
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  • is when the war started, bothsides had absolutely no idea how
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  • devastating and longlasting the war would be.
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  • They reallyweren't prepared at all.
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  • One of the first battles ofthe Civil War was on a Sunday
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  • afternoon, and people gatheredin the field around Manassas,
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  • Virginia to watch the battle.
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  • Some came in stylish carriages,and they brought picnic baskets
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  • to watch what they thought wouldbe a quick victory for the
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  • Union soldiers against theunimpressive rebellion
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  • of Confederate soldiers.
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  • They brought picnicbaskets to a battlefield.
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  • But they seriously misjudgedthe battle because when that
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  • first cannon fired off,it got real real quick.
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  • You see, some of the artillerylanded right next to the
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  • picnickers, and theycouldn't believe it.
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  • And before they knew it, theirUnion soldiers were retreating
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  • past them with bloodon their uniforms,
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  • some screaming in agony.
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  • They soon realizedthis was no picnic,
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  • this was war.
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  • People left their picnic basketsand grabbed frightened children,
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  • and started running fortheir lives with the retreating
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  • soldiers right beside them.
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  • In fact, some of the spectatorsthat day were captured and held
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  • prisoner throughout the war.
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  • I'm sure none of them everbrought a picnic basket
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  • to a battlefield again.
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  • And folks, this Covid-19 crisishas been described as a war,
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  • a war against aninvisible enemy.
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  • But I want you torealize that in this crisis,
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  • there is another invisibleenemy who has declared war on
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  • families, who hasdeclared war on marriages,
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  • who has declared war ondeep and close relationships.
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  • Our enemy Satan is always tryingto tear apart relationships,
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  • trying to creatediscord, confusion,
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  • and disconnection.
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  • And this coronavirus crisisis not just a health crisis,
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  • it's not just aneconomic crisis,
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  • but it's turning out to bea relational crisis
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  • of epic proportion.
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  • The enemy is havinga field day in families.
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  • Domestic abuse is on the rise.
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  • There's so much angerthat is out of control.
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  • And with the stress levelso high and anxiety rising,
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  • we tend to take our frustrationsout on the people closest to us.
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  • There's a lot ofdisharmony in the home.
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  • That's because a lot of us arebringing picnic baskets to the
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  • battle for deep andlasting relationships.
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  • That's why we're starting thisnew series about getting real
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  • in our relationships.
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  • Today, we're going totalk about conflict.
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  • And becauseconflict is inevitable,
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  • but it's what you do with theconflict that determines if you
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  • grow deeper or you getdestroyed in your relationship.
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  • So, we're doing to dig in andtalk about conflict because if
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  • you don't learn howto fight together,
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  • you're going to be constantlyat war with each other.
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  • Really there are three stagesthat relationships go through.
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  • First is what I call delight.
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  • That's when you think youhave a picnic basket
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  • full of perfection.
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  • And you're so excited, and youthink you've got this picnic
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  • basket full of perfection,and all you see is how
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  • perfect the other person is.
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  • All you see is howperfect your relationship is.
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  • It's in marriage when you thinkyou have the perfect marriage
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  • and you've marriedthe perfect person.
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  • It's in a business partnershipwhen you think you finally found
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  • the business partnerthat really gets you,
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  • and it's theperfect partnership.
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  • It's with afriend when you think,
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  • "I've got this new friend,they're the perfect friend.
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  • Everything is just perfect."
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  • You got a picnicbasket full of perfection.
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  • But then the secondstage hits, disillusionment.
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  • That's when you actually openup the picnic basket that you
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  • thought was filledwith perfection,
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  • and you find that it'sfilled with conflict.
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  • And after the firstconflict, all you see is
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  • the imperfections.
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  • All you see is the otherperson's flaws
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  • and annoying habits.
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  • And then you startgetting hurt by each other,
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  • and the hurts begin tobuild up, and they begin to,
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  • like cannonfire,come at you constantly,
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  • and chip away at all thelove in the relationship.
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  • But then there's a third stage.
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  • Now, the first twostages you can't avoid.
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  • I mean, you're goingto go through them.
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  • Everyone is going tohave that delight stage,
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  • where you think everything'sgoing to be perfect.
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  • You can't help feeling that.
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  • Those are feelings thatcome in every new
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  • and close relationship.
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  • But then you'llhit disillusionment,
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  • and you can't avoid that becausedelight stage is not reality.
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  • But then you have a choice.
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  • You can't avoid thefirst two stages,
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  • but you can avoid thethird one, destroy, destroy.
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  • Because if you're notprepared, you will move
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  • into search and destroy.
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  • It's where love turns to war.
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  • You start fighting each otherinstead of fighting
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  • for deeper connection.
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  • But instead of destroy, if youknow how to handle conflict--you
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  • can't avoid conflict,it's going to happen.
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  • But if you know how to handleconflict and you know how to
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  • fight for a deeper connection,then you'll go to depth.
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  • That's when you'refighting, you have struggles,
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  • you have difficulties, butyou're fighting for a deeper
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  • connection, and it bringsyou closer than ever before.
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  • I want us to look atour key passage today,
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  • it's in Song of Solomon.
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  • It's one of my favoritepassages in Scripture.
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  • Song of Solomon 8,verses 6 and 7,
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  • and it's what love really is.
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  • "Love is invincible,facing danger and death.
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  • Passion laughs atthe terrors of hell.
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  • The fire of lovestops at nothing.
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  • It sweeps everything before it.
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  • Floodwaters can't drownlove, torrents of rain
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  • can't put it out.
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  • Love can't be bought,love can't be sold.
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  • It's not to be foundin the marketplace."
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  • He's saying here that love can'tbe destroyed with conflict.
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  • In fact, conflict is essentialfor love to become real love.
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  • Without conflict,there is no real love.
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  • You have to have conflictin order to move to depth.
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  • It is essential, but it's howyou handle that conflict that
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  • will determine if you moveinto destruction or depth.
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  • So, what do I doto handle conflict?
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  • And this is right where we live.
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  • We're getting real becauseit's getting real in our homes,
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  • and it's right where welive, the conflict that
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  • we're all having.
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  • And just know that this is agreat opportunity to really go
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  • to new depths inyour relationships.
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  • First, lower yourdefenses and risk
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  • revealing your true feelings.
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  • We all go into relationshipswith the walls up because we're
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  • afraid to reveal ourselvesbecause if you really know
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  • what I'm like,you may reject me.
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  • We have this deep fear ofrejection as human beings.
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  • And so, we'll do just aboutanything to keep from being
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  • rejected, and weput these walls up,
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  • but those walls keep us fromdeep and close relationships.
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  • Now, here's thereally cool thing.
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  • When you're in a closerelationship like a marriage,
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  • you can't avoid taking the wallsdown because it just takes too
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  • much energy to keep thewalls up all the time.
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  • But when you first getmarried, you got some walls up.
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  • I mean, they don't knoweverything about you.
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  • And so, what happens is the realyou is eventually going to come
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  • through, all your annoyinghabits and faults and flaws
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  • and your real feelings.
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  • They're going to come through.
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  • You can't stop it, youknow, in a close relationship.
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  • That's what's happeningright now in our homes.
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  • I mean, we all have theseissues and this baggage,
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  • and all these imperfectionsand brokenness in our lives,
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  • but we can hide it pretty wellwhen we're always on the go.
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  • But once we're all forced tostay close together for any
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  • period of time at all,it's going to come out.
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  • And that's why you're having theproblems you're having right now
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  • in having harmony in your home.
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  • The frustrations are coming out.
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  • And a lot of times, we say,"Well, that's just not me."
  • 00:09:04.660 --> 00:09:07.463
  • Well, it is, it's just in there.
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  • The pressure just brings it out.
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  • We talked aboutthat last weekend.
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  • And that pressureis bringing it out,
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  • but the great thing is it's agreat opportunity because these
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  • issues that were already thereare coming out to the surface
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  • now, and you canactually deal with them.
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  • And so, the conflictis not a bad thing.
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  • And so, what happens is whenyou start telling the truth,
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  • when you startrevealing your true feelings,
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  • conflict happens.
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  • But Ephesians 4:15 tells ustruth is the only way to live.
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  • It says, "Instead, we lovinglyfollow the truth at all times,
  • 00:09:36.826 --> 00:09:40.129
  • speaking truly, dealingtruly, living truly."
  • 00:09:40.162 --> 00:09:43.499
  • You see, the truth is the onlyway to have deep relationships.
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  • You have to take the wall downand reveal your true feelings.
  • 00:09:47.770 --> 00:09:52.274
  • And your fears, yourflaws have to come out,
  • 00:09:52.308 --> 00:09:55.678
  • your brokenness comes out.
  • 00:09:55.711 --> 00:09:57.113
  • And that's the only way youcan go to real depths because
  • 00:09:57.146 --> 00:10:00.683
  • otherwise it's a superficialrelationship unless you
  • 00:10:00.716 --> 00:10:03.619
  • really know each other.
  • 00:10:03.653 --> 00:10:05.087
  • And that's when you get to theplace where you really know
  • 00:10:05.121 --> 00:10:06.989
  • each other and you loveeach other just the same.
  • 00:10:07.023 --> 00:10:11.093
  • And that's intimacy.
  • 00:10:11.127 --> 00:10:12.495
  • female announcer: Still tocome with Pastor Kerry Shook.
  • 00:10:12.995 --> 00:10:15.297
  • Kerry: Wheneveryou're attacking each other,
  • 00:10:15.331 --> 00:10:17.366
  • you're just tearing downyourself because you're one.
  • 00:10:17.400 --> 00:10:20.603
  • You're tearing down themarriage relationship.
  • 00:10:20.636 --> 00:10:22.905
  • ♪♪♪
  • 00:10:22.938 --> 00:10:30.379
  • announcer: Life isfilled with ups and downs.
  • 00:10:33.015 --> 00:10:35.384
  • We can even experience joy andtragedy all in the same day.
  • 00:10:35.418 --> 00:10:39.922
  • So, how do we keep hopefulwhen life is so unpredictable?
  • 00:10:39.955 --> 00:10:44.860
  • That's what Kerry and ChrisShook want to share in their
  • 00:10:44.894 --> 00:10:47.630
  • new book called "The Gift ofOne Day: How to Find Hope
  • 00:10:47.663 --> 00:10:51.434
  • When Life Gets Hard."
  • 00:10:51.467 --> 00:10:53.836
  • From their own lessons learned,the Shooks encourage us that
  • 00:10:53.869 --> 00:10:56.839
  • hope is available toall, even in the most
  • 00:10:56.872 --> 00:10:59.742
  • heartbreaking circumstances.
  • 00:10:59.775 --> 00:11:02.211
  • In "The Gift of One Day," theyexplore the power of gratitude,
  • 00:11:02.244 --> 00:11:06.315
  • the privilege of prayer, andthe blessing of suffering.
  • 00:11:06.348 --> 00:11:10.519
  • If you or someone you care aboutis going through a hard time,
  • 00:11:10.553 --> 00:11:13.622
  • this book will give them insightinto God's love and the gift
  • 00:11:13.656 --> 00:11:18.394
  • we have in each day.
  • 00:11:18.427 --> 00:11:20.696
  • Be sure to get your copy of"The Gift of One Day,"
  • 00:11:20.730 --> 00:11:23.232
  • available to order now fromAmazon, Barnes & Noble,
  • 00:11:23.265 --> 00:11:27.036
  • and retailers nationwide.
  • 00:11:27.069 --> 00:11:29.572
  • Kerry: You see, Jesus said,"The truth will set you free,"
  • 00:11:32.675 --> 00:11:36.445
  • and that is so true.
  • 00:11:36.479 --> 00:11:38.681
  • But it'll make youmiserable at first.
  • 00:11:38.714 --> 00:11:40.983
  • When you begin toshare the truth,
  • 00:11:41.016 --> 00:11:42.418
  • when you begin toreveal your true feelings,
  • 00:11:42.451 --> 00:11:44.420
  • and that's gonna happen ina marriage relationship
  • 00:11:44.453 --> 00:11:46.689
  • or in a close relationship,eventually your flaws
  • 00:11:46.722 --> 00:11:50.025
  • and feelings are gonna come out.
  • 00:11:50.059 --> 00:11:51.827
  • The real you is gonnacome out, and when it does,
  • 00:11:51.861 --> 00:11:54.130
  • it produces conflict.
  • 00:11:54.163 --> 00:11:56.465
  • The truth will set youfree, but it'll make you
  • 00:11:56.499 --> 00:11:58.501
  • miserable at first.
  • 00:11:58.534 --> 00:11:59.835
  • But it's the onlyway to get to freedom.
  • 00:11:59.869 --> 00:12:01.904
  • The truth, then conflict,then freedom.
  • 00:12:01.937 --> 00:12:06.542
  • Depth, intimacy.
  • 00:12:06.575 --> 00:12:09.478
  • And that's what God wants foryour closest relationships.
  • 00:12:09.512 --> 00:12:14.717
  • And so, I want us tomove to the second point,
  • 00:12:14.750 --> 00:12:18.020
  • that is stop fighting eachother and start fighting
  • 00:12:18.053 --> 00:12:20.055
  • for a deeper connection.
  • 00:12:20.089 --> 00:12:21.557
  • You're going to have conflictif there's any chance
  • 00:12:21.590 --> 00:12:24.326
  • for a relationship to movebeyond superficial.
  • 00:12:24.360 --> 00:12:26.328
  • You're going to have conflict.
  • 00:12:26.362 --> 00:12:28.764
  • But it's how you fight thatmakes all the difference.
  • 00:12:28.798 --> 00:12:32.501
  • There's destructive conflict,and there's a lot of destructive
  • 00:12:32.535 --> 00:12:35.704
  • conflict because peopleare totally unprepared.
  • 00:12:35.738 --> 00:12:37.940
  • They brought a picnicbasket to the battlefield,
  • 00:12:37.973 --> 00:12:40.075
  • and they have no clue how toreally fight for connection.
  • 00:12:40.109 --> 00:12:46.315
  • And so, what happens, it'slike a couple of cannons.
  • 00:12:46.348 --> 00:12:49.185
  • And two people,you kind of line up,
  • 00:12:49.218 --> 00:12:53.823
  • and they are against each other.
  • 00:12:53.856 --> 00:12:56.892
  • They think, "Mymate is my enemy.
  • 00:12:56.926 --> 00:12:58.727
  • That friend is my enemy."
  • 00:12:58.761 --> 00:13:00.262
  • And what happens is oneof them starts to attack,
  • 00:13:00.296 --> 00:13:06.735
  • and attacks theother one in anger.
  • 00:13:06.769 --> 00:13:13.309
  • And it comes out.
  • 00:13:13.342 --> 00:13:15.511
  • And what happens is they'lljust pit the defenses up because
  • 00:13:15.544 --> 00:13:20.182
  • whenever, "You make me mad,you did this to me," then the
  • 00:13:20.216 --> 00:13:22.685
  • other person is going toput their defenses up,
  • 00:13:22.718 --> 00:13:24.987
  • you're not goingto get anywhere.
  • 00:13:25.020 --> 00:13:26.488
  • They're not just goingto put their defenses up,
  • 00:13:26.522 --> 00:13:28.023
  • but I can tell you thatthey're going to fight back.
  • 00:13:28.057 --> 00:13:30.526
  • Usually, they're going toattack in their way back,
  • 00:13:30.559 --> 00:13:32.828
  • and they're going to come back.
  • 00:13:32.862 --> 00:13:35.197
  • And so, what happens is theyboth put their defenses up,
  • 00:13:35.231 --> 00:13:39.401
  • and it creates this smokescreen,where they don't really see
  • 00:13:39.435 --> 00:13:44.073
  • what the real issue is.
  • 00:13:44.106 --> 00:13:45.741
  • What they've done isjust attack each other.
  • 00:13:45.774 --> 00:13:49.144
  • And what happens is they'rereally shooting at themselves,
  • 00:13:49.178 --> 00:13:51.780
  • especially in amarriage relationship.
  • 00:13:51.814 --> 00:13:55.150
  • Whenever you're attacking eachother, you're just tearing down
  • 00:13:55.184 --> 00:13:57.653
  • yourself because you're one.
  • 00:13:57.686 --> 00:14:00.089
  • You're tearing down themarriage relationship.
  • 00:14:00.122 --> 00:14:02.324
  • It makes no sense becauseyour mate is not your enemy.
  • 00:14:02.358 --> 00:14:06.028
  • It says inEphesians 4:26 and 27,
  • 00:14:06.061 --> 00:14:10.065
  • "Go ahead and be angry.
  • 00:14:10.099 --> 00:14:11.467
  • You do well to be angry, butdon't use your anger
  • 00:14:11.500 --> 00:14:14.670
  • as fuel for revenge.
  • 00:14:14.703 --> 00:14:16.005
  • And don't stay angry.
  • 00:14:16.038 --> 00:14:17.339
  • Don't go to bed angry.
  • 00:14:17.373 --> 00:14:18.674
  • Don't give the devil thekind of foothold in your life."
  • 00:14:18.707 --> 00:14:21.977
  • Now, it says you dowell to be angry.
  • 00:14:22.011 --> 00:14:24.013
  • That's important, he'ssaying anger is a good thing.
  • 00:14:24.046 --> 00:14:26.215
  • It just means you care.
  • 00:14:26.248 --> 00:14:29.084
  • But it's how you express it.
  • 00:14:29.118 --> 00:14:30.819
  • Conflict is a good thing, it'sjust how you fight that will
  • 00:14:30.853 --> 00:14:34.456
  • determine if you destroy yourown marriage relationship or you
  • 00:14:34.490 --> 00:14:38.961
  • take it to a whole new depth.
  • 00:14:38.994 --> 00:14:41.096
  • There have been many times inmy marriage where Chris and I go
  • 00:14:41.130 --> 00:14:45.734
  • through the cavern of conflict.
  • 00:14:45.768 --> 00:14:47.770
  • We go through the cavern ofconflict whenever we get into
  • 00:14:47.803 --> 00:14:49.939
  • an argument, and many timesI want to move right back
  • 00:14:49.972 --> 00:14:52.741
  • out of the cavern of conflict.
  • 00:14:52.775 --> 00:14:54.443
  • I want to get out of itbecause it's very uncomfortable,
  • 00:14:54.476 --> 00:14:57.346
  • and I don't like conflict.
  • 00:14:57.379 --> 00:14:58.714
  • And we get into thecavern of conflict,
  • 00:14:58.747 --> 00:15:00.816
  • ooh, I want toget--but when I do that,
  • 00:15:00.849 --> 00:15:03.185
  • I bring us both back tosuperficial in an area
  • 00:15:03.218 --> 00:15:07.156
  • of our lives.
  • 00:15:07.189 --> 00:15:08.590
  • But if we stay in that tunnel ofconflict and we work through it
  • 00:15:08.624 --> 00:15:11.560
  • and we work through it, werealize our goal is to get to
  • 00:15:11.593 --> 00:15:13.529
  • a whole new depth, then wecome out with a new depth,
  • 00:15:13.562 --> 00:15:17.166
  • intimacy, totallyunderstanding each other.
  • 00:15:17.199 --> 00:15:21.870
  • Understanding andseeing that you're real,
  • 00:15:21.904 --> 00:15:27.576
  • seeing that I'm real, and yethaving a deeper relationship.
  • 00:15:27.609 --> 00:15:33.615
  • And so, I've got to stay at it,I've got to stay in that cavern
  • 00:15:33.649 --> 00:15:36.618
  • of conflict, that battlefield,and learn how to fight so that
  • 00:15:36.652 --> 00:15:41.490
  • we fight for connection.
  • 00:15:41.523 --> 00:15:43.258
  • And really there are two thingsthat you don't do during
  • 00:15:43.292 --> 00:15:46.729
  • this battlefield of conflict.
  • 00:15:46.762 --> 00:15:50.199
  • Don't attack and don't retreat.
  • 00:15:50.232 --> 00:15:52.134
  • Don't attack and don't retreat.
  • 00:15:52.501 --> 00:15:54.403
  • It says in Ephesians 4:26,"Don't use your anger as fuel
  • 00:15:54.436 --> 00:15:57.506
  • for revenge."
  • 00:15:57.539 --> 00:15:58.907
  • You see, really there are twotypes of handling conflict,
  • 00:15:58.941 --> 00:16:05.647
  • two types of people in theway they handle conflict.
  • 00:16:05.681 --> 00:16:08.150
  • One is an attackerand one is a retreater,
  • 00:16:08.183 --> 00:16:11.387
  • usually that's the way it is.
  • 00:16:11.420 --> 00:16:13.255
  • Now sure, theyboth attack at times,
  • 00:16:13.288 --> 00:16:14.890
  • they put up defensesat times and attack,
  • 00:16:14.923 --> 00:16:17.559
  • but usually there's one that'smore the predominant attacker
  • 00:16:17.593 --> 00:16:20.295
  • that will start fearing losingconnection and seeing the other
  • 00:16:20.329 --> 00:16:25.667
  • person getting alittle distant and aloof.
  • 00:16:25.701 --> 00:16:27.803
  • And then they'llattack with emotions,
  • 00:16:27.836 --> 00:16:29.304
  • or attack in anger,or they'll attack--
  • 00:16:29.338 --> 00:16:33.275
  • or sometimes,it'll just build up,
  • 00:16:33.308 --> 00:16:35.511
  • and then they willexplode in anger.
  • 00:16:35.544 --> 00:16:39.782
  • Attackers.
  • 00:16:39.815 --> 00:16:41.283
  • But really they're justattacking because they fear
  • 00:16:41.316 --> 00:16:43.485
  • losing connection, becausethey want to bring about a close
  • 00:16:43.519 --> 00:16:46.155
  • connection because we have thisdeep fear as human beings
  • 00:16:46.188 --> 00:16:48.457
  • of losing connection.
  • 00:16:48.490 --> 00:16:49.825
  • And so, we'll do these thingsto try to get connection back
  • 00:16:49.858 --> 00:16:51.994
  • that'll really create moredisconnection and
  • 00:16:52.027 --> 00:16:54.997
  • they're more destructive.
  • 00:16:55.030 --> 00:16:56.331
  • And that's exactlywhat the attacker does.
  • 00:16:56.365 --> 00:16:59.168
  • Their intentions are they wantto bring a closer connection.
  • 00:16:59.201 --> 00:17:02.204
  • But what they're doing isjust really tearing apart
  • 00:17:02.237 --> 00:17:06.442
  • the connection even more.
  • 00:17:06.475 --> 00:17:08.377
  • But Ephesians 4:26 and 27says, "Don't go to bed angry.
  • 00:17:08.410 --> 00:17:11.547
  • Don't give the devil the kind offoothold--that kind of foothold
  • 00:17:11.580 --> 00:17:13.482
  • in your life."
  • 00:17:13.515 --> 00:17:14.817
  • And so, this is talkingabout the retreaters,
  • 00:17:14.850 --> 00:17:17.252
  • who avoid conflict at allcosts because they always
  • 00:17:17.286 --> 00:17:19.755
  • think conflict is bad.
  • 00:17:19.788 --> 00:17:21.223
  • Maybe you grew up thinkingthat conflict is a bad thing.
  • 00:17:21.256 --> 00:17:24.593
  • Any type of arguments,any type of conflict,
  • 00:17:24.626 --> 00:17:26.295
  • that's bad, you've gotto avoid that because
  • 00:17:26.328 --> 00:17:28.597
  • that's not a good thing.
  • 00:17:28.630 --> 00:17:31.567
  • That's just not true.
  • 00:17:31.600 --> 00:17:33.035
  • Conflict is good, it's the onlyway that you can get to
  • 00:17:33.068 --> 00:17:35.704
  • a deeper relationship.
  • 00:17:35.737 --> 00:17:38.307
  • It's bad conflict that's bad.
  • 00:17:38.340 --> 00:17:40.042
  • It's destructiveconflict that is bad.
  • 00:17:40.075 --> 00:17:43.946
  • And really theperson that retreats,
  • 00:17:43.979 --> 00:17:45.547
  • there's usually an attackerand there's a retreater.
  • 00:17:45.581 --> 00:17:47.950
  • A retreater is just kind ofpretend like nothing's wrong,
  • 00:17:47.983 --> 00:17:51.720
  • wants to avoid it at allcosts, move away from it.
  • 00:17:51.753 --> 00:17:55.591
  • But really they fear losingconnection too just as much
  • 00:17:55.624 --> 00:17:58.260
  • as the attacker.
  • 00:17:58.293 --> 00:17:59.595
  • It's just that they want to justpretend like there's no issue,
  • 00:17:59.628 --> 00:18:05.334
  • and everything's great,and everything's wonderful.
  • 00:18:05.367 --> 00:18:07.936
  • And that's not the case.
  • 00:18:07.970 --> 00:18:09.638
  • And so, they think that's goingto help them keep connection,
  • 00:18:09.671 --> 00:18:14.543
  • but it doesn't, itdestroys connection.
  • 00:18:14.576 --> 00:18:16.678
  • And so, don't attackand don't retreat.
  • 00:18:16.712 --> 00:18:19.414
  • The second thing you do, though,stay on the battlefield until
  • 00:18:19.448 --> 00:18:22.484
  • you hear their heart.
  • 00:18:22.518 --> 00:18:24.119
  • Don't attack, don'trun, don't retreat.
  • 00:18:24.153 --> 00:18:27.122
  • Stay on the battlefieldand keep talking it out.
  • 00:18:27.156 --> 00:18:30.325
  • When you're in anargument, keep talking it out,
  • 00:18:30.359 --> 00:18:33.128
  • keep talking it out.
  • 00:18:33.162 --> 00:18:34.596
  • It's messy, you'llbe frustrated,
  • 00:18:34.630 --> 00:18:37.132
  • emotions will run high.
  • 00:18:37.166 --> 00:18:38.934
  • But you keep talking it outand you stay at it, and listen.
  • 00:18:38.967 --> 00:18:43.772
  • One of my biggestproblems has been listening.
  • 00:18:43.805 --> 00:18:46.942
  • A lot of times whenChris and I are arguing,
  • 00:18:46.975 --> 00:18:48.977
  • I'm always trying toget my point across,
  • 00:18:49.011 --> 00:18:51.480
  • and I'm alwaystrying to say,
  • 00:18:51.513 --> 00:18:52.814
  • "No, that's not what I meant.
  • 00:18:52.848 --> 00:18:54.149
  • You don't understand," ratherthan listening to her heart
  • 00:18:54.183 --> 00:18:55.851
  • and how she feels.
  • 00:18:55.884 --> 00:18:57.186
  • And so, Dr. Paul here atWoodlands Church has taught us
  • 00:18:57.219 --> 00:18:59.221
  • how to do reflectivelistening, taught me how
  • 00:18:59.254 --> 00:19:02.291
  • to do reflective listening.
  • 00:19:02.324 --> 00:19:03.625
  • And that is just to be able tolisten to her in the middle of
  • 00:19:03.659 --> 00:19:07.663
  • the emotion, in themiddle of our conflict,
  • 00:19:07.696 --> 00:19:10.399
  • to listen and then to repeatback to her what she said.
  • 00:19:10.432 --> 00:19:12.935
  • If she says, "I feellike I'm misunderstood,
  • 00:19:12.968 --> 00:19:17.239
  • I feel like--I feel like you'retotally misunderstanding me,"
  • 00:19:17.272 --> 00:19:21.810
  • then I say, "So, you'refeeling like you're
  • 00:19:21.843 --> 00:19:24.479
  • totally misunderstood."
  • 00:19:24.513 --> 00:19:25.814
  • And she'll say,"Yeah, I really do."
  • 00:19:25.847 --> 00:19:27.149
  • And then I try tostop and think,
  • 00:19:27.182 --> 00:19:28.917
  • how would that feelto be misunderstood?
  • 00:19:28.951 --> 00:19:31.587
  • Instead of going, "No, Iunderstand you completely."
  • 00:19:31.620 --> 00:19:34.957
  • It's not a logical thing.
  • 00:19:34.990 --> 00:19:37.259
  • We're trying to connecthearts, and so I'll say,
  • 00:19:37.292 --> 00:19:39.895
  • "That must feel lonely andisolating to be misunderstood
  • 00:19:39.928 --> 00:19:44.366
  • and to feel misunderstood."
  • 00:19:44.399 --> 00:19:47.236
  • And we begin to, like,connect at a deeper level.
  • 00:19:47.269 --> 00:19:50.405
  • She does that withme all the time.
  • 00:19:50.439 --> 00:19:52.441
  • And yes, we're emotional.
  • 00:19:52.474 --> 00:19:54.710
  • Yes, we're frustrated.
  • 00:19:54.743 --> 00:19:56.545
  • Yes, the tension can be high,but yet we just stay at it.
  • 00:19:56.578 --> 00:19:59.781
  • And we've decided we're notgoing to go to bed angry because
  • 00:19:59.815 --> 00:20:02.017
  • when you go to bed angry,anger changes and it turns
  • 00:20:02.050 --> 00:20:06.922
  • into somethingcalled bitterness.
  • 00:20:06.955 --> 00:20:09.291
  • And bitterness gives the devila beachhead in your life and
  • 00:20:09.324 --> 00:20:13.395
  • in your relationships.
  • 00:20:13.428 --> 00:20:14.730
  • And once he gets abeachhead of bitterness,
  • 00:20:14.763 --> 00:20:17.666
  • then it becomes moredifficult to turn the tide.
  • 00:20:17.699 --> 00:20:23.272
  • And so, it's really importantjust to listen to each other in
  • 00:20:23.305 --> 00:20:26.808
  • the middle of theheated argument.
  • 00:20:26.842 --> 00:20:28.777
  • But then the third thing,and this is really important,
  • 00:20:28.810 --> 00:20:30.345
  • is identify the realenemy and the real fortress.
  • 00:20:30.379 --> 00:20:33.382
  • See, the Bible reminds us thebattle's not against flesh and
  • 00:20:33.415 --> 00:20:36.351
  • blood, but againstspiritual forces.
  • 00:20:36.385 --> 00:20:38.487
  • And it's so important toremember this because when
  • 00:20:38.520 --> 00:20:39.855
  • you're in conflict withsomeone really close to you,
  • 00:20:39.888 --> 00:20:42.924
  • you start thinkingof them as the enemy.
  • 00:20:42.958 --> 00:20:45.527
  • But they're not.
  • 00:20:45.560 --> 00:20:47.763
  • You're on the same team.
  • 00:20:47.796 --> 00:20:49.431
  • You're fightingfor the same thing.
  • 00:20:49.464 --> 00:20:51.233
  • You're fighting for connection.
  • 00:20:51.266 --> 00:20:53.468
  • The real enemy is Satan, and hewants to destroy your marriage,
  • 00:20:53.502 --> 00:20:56.972
  • and destroy yourfamily, and destroy you.
  • 00:20:57.005 --> 00:20:59.541
  • In John 10:10, Jesus said,"The thief comes only to steal
  • 00:20:59.574 --> 00:21:02.210
  • and kill and destroy.
  • 00:21:02.244 --> 00:21:03.712
  • I have come that they may havelife and have it to the full."
  • 00:21:03.745 --> 00:21:06.715
  • So, Satan's purpose is he wantsto steal away your passion,
  • 00:21:06.748 --> 00:21:10.519
  • he wants to kill your loveand your joy and
  • 00:21:10.552 --> 00:21:13.255
  • your closest relationships.
  • 00:21:13.288 --> 00:21:14.690
  • He wants to destroy marriages.
  • 00:21:14.723 --> 00:21:16.758
  • He's always working toward that.
  • 00:21:16.792 --> 00:21:19.394
  • There's a spiritualbattle going on all the time,
  • 00:21:19.428 --> 00:21:24.466
  • and the enemy is an expert atknowing those raw places
  • 00:21:24.499 --> 00:21:27.369
  • in your life.
  • 00:21:27.402 --> 00:21:28.704
  • And he will put things in yourlife that will create conflict
  • 00:21:28.737 --> 00:21:31.306
  • because he wants to destroy you.
  • 00:21:31.340 --> 00:21:34.943
  • In marriage, he'll put thingsin your life that will create
  • 00:21:34.976 --> 00:21:37.579
  • conflict because he wantsyou to handle it wrong,
  • 00:21:37.612 --> 00:21:40.916
  • and it will destroy youand turn you to bitterness.
  • 00:21:40.949 --> 00:21:43.218
  • And he'll get a beachheadof bitterness in your life.
  • 00:21:43.251 --> 00:21:46.455
  • But here's the thing, wheneverSatan in his crafty ways puts
  • 00:21:46.488 --> 00:21:51.226
  • a conflict in your path, puts anissue and it comes up in your
  • 00:21:51.259 --> 00:21:56.031
  • path, he's taking a great risk.
  • 00:21:56.064 --> 00:21:58.500
  • Because if you surrender to Godand if you fight for connection
  • 00:21:58.533 --> 00:22:05.974
  • and you stay on the battlefielduntil you get to connection,
  • 00:22:06.007 --> 00:22:11.046
  • then he loses big time.
  • 00:22:11.079 --> 00:22:12.881
  • Because the only way that youcan move to deep connection
  • 00:22:12.914 --> 00:22:17.486
  • is through conflict.
  • 00:22:17.519 --> 00:22:19.121
  • And so, he's taking a great riskto put that crisis in your life,
  • 00:22:19.154 --> 00:22:22.958
  • to put thatconflict in your life.
  • 00:22:22.991 --> 00:22:24.393
  • And that's why right now, yes,in many ways Satan is having
  • 00:22:24.426 --> 00:22:28.697
  • a field day in familiesthrough this coronavirus crisis.
  • 00:22:28.730 --> 00:22:31.066
  • But I'm telling you, this crisisis the greatest opportunity that
  • 00:22:31.099 --> 00:22:37.005
  • we've ever had in my lifetime tobreak through barriers that have
  • 00:22:37.038 --> 00:22:43.478
  • been in families andrelationships and
  • 00:22:43.512 --> 00:22:45.647
  • in marriages for years.
  • 00:22:45.680 --> 00:22:48.316
  • And I'm telling you, God isturning it on Satan because
  • 00:22:48.350 --> 00:22:54.489
  • this crisis is Christ time.
  • 00:22:54.523 --> 00:22:55.857
  • This crisis is the greatestopportunity that we've ever had
  • 00:22:55.891 --> 00:22:58.994
  • to grow deeper andcloser in our marriages,
  • 00:22:59.027 --> 00:23:01.229
  • in our families, in ourrelationships because all the
  • 00:23:01.263 --> 00:23:03.532
  • issues that we run aroundavoiding all the time are
  • 00:23:03.565 --> 00:23:06.435
  • right there in our face,and you can't avoid it.
  • 00:23:06.468 --> 00:23:10.605
  • And so, this is our time.
  • 00:23:10.639 --> 00:23:14.042
  • This is our opportunity.
  • 00:23:14.075 --> 00:23:15.944
  • And Isaiah 53:5says, "But he," Jesus,
  • 00:23:15.977 --> 00:23:18.680
  • "was pierced forour transgressions,
  • 00:23:18.713 --> 00:23:20.982
  • he was crushedfor our iniquities.
  • 00:23:21.016 --> 00:23:22.317
  • The punishment thatbrought us peace was upon him,
  • 00:23:22.350 --> 00:23:24.820
  • and by his woundswe are healed."
  • 00:23:24.853 --> 00:23:27.422
  • Because of whatChrist did on the cross,
  • 00:23:27.456 --> 00:23:29.491
  • Jesus can heal your brokenness,Jesus can heal a broken
  • 00:23:29.524 --> 00:23:32.894
  • marriage, Jesus canheal a broken family,
  • 00:23:32.928 --> 00:23:35.697
  • Jesus can heal a broken heart.
  • 00:23:35.730 --> 00:23:37.799
  • Jesus is the healer.
  • 00:23:37.833 --> 00:23:40.936
  • Remember in thegarden of Gethsemane,
  • 00:23:40.969 --> 00:23:43.738
  • when Jesus was strugglingwith all his human emotions,
  • 00:23:43.772 --> 00:23:46.641
  • knowing he wasgoing to the cross,
  • 00:23:46.675 --> 00:23:49.144
  • knowing he was going totake on the sins of the world,
  • 00:23:49.177 --> 00:23:51.646
  • and die this horrible,agonizing death on the cross?
  • 00:23:51.680 --> 00:23:57.586
  • And as he prayed, hesaid to his Father,
  • 00:23:57.619 --> 00:23:59.955
  • "I don't feel like doing this.
  • 00:23:59.988 --> 00:24:01.556
  • I don't have thesefeelings of love right now."
  • 00:24:01.590 --> 00:24:03.658
  • But he loved us.
  • 00:24:03.692 --> 00:24:05.961
  • And he prayedthis in Luke 22:41,
  • 00:24:05.994 --> 00:24:08.129
  • "'Father, removethis cup from me.
  • 00:24:08.163 --> 00:24:10.232
  • But please, not what I want,I want what you want.'
  • 00:24:10.265 --> 00:24:14.669
  • And at once, an angel fromheaven was at his side,
  • 00:24:14.703 --> 00:24:17.506
  • strengthening him.
  • 00:24:17.539 --> 00:24:19.007
  • And he prayed on all the harder,and sweat wrung from him like
  • 00:24:19.040 --> 00:24:21.843
  • drops of blood, andpoured down his face."
  • 00:24:21.877 --> 00:24:24.446
  • See, Jesus being allGod and yet all human,
  • 00:24:24.479 --> 00:24:29.117
  • in his human emotionsfelt like giving up.
  • 00:24:29.150 --> 00:24:31.987
  • He didn't feel these lovingfeelings for you and me at
  • 00:24:32.020 --> 00:24:35.290
  • that moment, but heloved us completely,
  • 00:24:35.323 --> 00:24:37.459
  • so he surrendered to his Father.
  • 00:24:37.492 --> 00:24:39.528
  • And he said, "I don't feellike going to the cross.
  • 00:24:39.561 --> 00:24:41.496
  • Is there any other way?
  • 00:24:41.530 --> 00:24:43.365
  • But not what I feel like,it's what you want, Father.
  • 00:24:43.398 --> 00:24:45.534
  • Because if there's no otherway, I love them so much,
  • 00:24:45.567 --> 00:24:48.937
  • I want them to comeinto our family."
  • 00:24:48.970 --> 00:24:51.940
  • And he surrenderedto his father.
  • 00:24:51.973 --> 00:24:54.175
  • And then he chose as an actof will to ignore his
  • 00:24:54.209 --> 00:24:56.478
  • feelings at the time and keepfighting for connection with us.
  • 00:24:56.511 --> 00:24:59.581
  • That is real love.
  • 00:24:59.614 --> 00:25:01.483
  • He surrendered his feelings andhe chose as an act of his will
  • 00:25:01.516 --> 00:25:04.819
  • to keep fighting for connection.
  • 00:25:04.853 --> 00:25:07.022
  • And there are times in amarriage relationship where you
  • 00:25:07.055 --> 00:25:10.258
  • have to surrender itall to the Lord and say,
  • 00:25:10.292 --> 00:25:12.627
  • "Not my will, butyour will, Lord."
  • 00:25:12.661 --> 00:25:15.196
  • You have to choose as anact of your will to fight
  • 00:25:15.230 --> 00:25:18.066
  • for connection in spiteof your feelings.
  • 00:25:18.099 --> 00:25:20.268
  • You have to choose to fight nomatter what your feelings are.
  • 00:25:20.302 --> 00:25:23.271
  • You can't let your feelingsdictate it because
  • 00:25:23.305 --> 00:25:25.574
  • feelings come and go.
  • 00:25:25.607 --> 00:25:26.908
  • Sometimes, we feeltotally in love.
  • 00:25:26.942 --> 00:25:28.777
  • Sometimes, the feelingsjust aren't there.
  • 00:25:28.810 --> 00:25:31.846
  • But love is nota feeling, folks.
  • 00:25:31.880 --> 00:25:33.782
  • Love is a choice thatproduces powerful feelings,
  • 00:25:33.815 --> 00:25:36.585
  • but it's not a feeling.
  • 00:25:36.618 --> 00:25:38.119
  • It's a commitment,it's a choice.
  • 00:25:38.153 --> 00:25:40.322
  • ♪♪♪
  • 00:25:40.355 --> 00:25:49.297
  • Chris Shook: We're so gladyou joined us for the message
  • 00:25:50.332 --> 00:25:52.033
  • today, and we hope itimpacts your life all week long.
  • 00:25:52.067 --> 00:25:55.737
  • Kerry: And Chris, I know thatthere's many out there who've
  • 00:25:55.770 --> 00:25:58.607
  • never received Christ, and allyou have to do is just pray and
  • 00:25:58.640 --> 00:26:02.444
  • ask for his salvationand say, "Jesus Christ,
  • 00:26:02.477 --> 00:26:05.647
  • forgive me of all my sins.
  • 00:26:05.680 --> 00:26:07.148
  • Come into my life.Be the Lord of my life.
  • 00:26:07.182 --> 00:26:09.417
  • I accept your free gift ofsalvation and heaven one day."
  • 00:26:09.451 --> 00:26:13.188
  • And if you pray that prayer,Christ will come into your life
  • 00:26:13.221 --> 00:26:16.124
  • and he'll never leave you.
  • 00:26:16.157 --> 00:26:17.659
  • Chris: Our grandson,Jude Samuel, lived for one day.
  • 00:26:17.859 --> 00:26:20.929
  • But the way he lived thatone day has taught us
  • 00:26:20.962 --> 00:26:23.732
  • how to live our years.
  • 00:26:23.765 --> 00:26:25.233
  • And one way that we were ableto look back and see what God
  • 00:26:25.266 --> 00:26:28.303
  • has done is to startkeeping a journal.
  • 00:26:28.336 --> 00:26:31.406
  • We started callingit the miracle book.
  • 00:26:31.439 --> 00:26:33.208
  • It's just a little blank bookthat we started writing down
  • 00:26:33.241 --> 00:26:36.177
  • all the miracles, big and small,that God would do in
  • 00:26:36.211 --> 00:26:39.481
  • our lives every day.
  • 00:26:39.514 --> 00:26:41.082
  • We opened our eyes to bewatching for what he did,
  • 00:26:41.116 --> 00:26:44.452
  • and sure enough,he always worked.
  • 00:26:44.486 --> 00:26:47.155
  • And so, we want you to havea miracle book so you can keep
  • 00:26:47.188 --> 00:26:50.058
  • track of what God isdoing in your life.
  • 00:26:50.091 --> 00:26:53.495
  • Kerry: We really do want youto learn how to unwrap the gift
  • 00:26:53.528 --> 00:26:56.164
  • of one day because it canchange your entire life.
  • 00:26:56.197 --> 00:26:59.634
  • We want you to have the miraclebook so that you can write down
  • 00:26:59.668 --> 00:27:04.072
  • the miracles ofGod in your life,
  • 00:27:04.105 --> 00:27:06.274
  • so that you can keeptrack of the goodness of God,
  • 00:27:06.307 --> 00:27:07.976
  • so that the goodness of God isnot up for grabs in your life
  • 00:27:08.009 --> 00:27:11.446
  • when you're goingthrough difficult days.
  • 00:27:11.479 --> 00:27:13.314
  • So, call us right nowor go to kerryshook.org,
  • 00:27:13.348 --> 00:27:16.151
  • and request the miracle bookfor a donation of any amount.
  • 00:27:16.184 --> 00:27:19.954
  • We want to get it to you.
  • 00:27:19.988 --> 00:27:21.923
  • ♪♪♪
  • 00:27:21.956 --> 00:27:29.664