Emerson Eggerichs and Brad & Heidi Mitchell: Understanding and Encouraging Your Spouse | Takeaways with Kirk Cameron

February 9, 2026 | 52:55

Kirk Cameron is joined by author Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and speakers Brad and Heidi Mitchell to discuss ways to strengthen marriage relationships through prayer and biblical principles.

#Author #Marriage #Relationships #Faith #Communication #Love #Respect #Wife #Husband #PersonalStory #Testimony #KirkCameron #EmersonEggerichs

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Takeaways with Kirk Cameron | Emerson Eggerichs and Brad & Heidi Mitchell: Understanding and Encouraging Your Spouse | Takeaways with Kirk Cameron | February 9, 2026

Kirk cameron: what are some good habits that could strengthen
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Your marriage?
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Well, many people say, be a better listener or have more
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Patience, or maybe be less selfish and more thoughtful to
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Your spouse.
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And while all those are good practices, did you ever think
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About praying together as a couple or embracing the
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Differences that you have as a contribution to your
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Relationship, rather than a constant point of conflict?
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Today, our guests, dr. emerson eggerichs and brad and heidi
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Mitchell, will share some advice that can help you better
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Understand your spouse and strengthen your marriage.
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Dr. emerson eggerichs: every weakness has a front-sided
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Strength, right, and i talk about that, and you have to
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Learn to see that person in a more positive light because
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It's there.
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Brad mitchell: james talks about how we should be quick to listen
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And slow to speak and slow to become angry.
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If we had practiced that in our marriage, it would have just
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Saved us from so many stupid arguments and conflicts
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And misunderstandings.
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Kirk: it's coming up on "takeaways."
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Kirk: well, my first guest is an internationally known
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Communication expert, and he's the author of "the new york
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Times" bestseller, "love and respect."
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Who hasn't read that?
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As a specialist in communicating, he has spoken to
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Groups such as the nfl, the us navy seals, and members
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Of congress.
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And he's gonna speak to us today on his latest book called,
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"light bulb moments in marriage: 12 biblical perspectives for
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Successful and satisfied couples."
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Kirk: emerson, thanks so much for joining us.
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Emerson: well, thank you for that introduction.
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Kirk: well, it's a real honor to be talking with you.
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I just feel so outmatched in terms of like husband material
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Because you're the "love and respect" guy, and i've got so
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Much to learn.
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And i'm glad you're writing a new book, but i do have to ask
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The question.
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You sent the football through the goalposts and won the super
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Bowl with "love and respect."
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Why didn't you just hang it up and retire?
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Why are you writing another book?
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Emerson: well, i love the hyperbole, but no, actually, the
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People over the years have written me, kirk, and they said,
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"we had a light bulb moment," and "we had a light bulb
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Moment," "we had a light bulb moment," "we had an aha moment,"
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"it was a eureka moment."
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And so i went back and i began to pull all those together.
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In this book there's these testimonies of people who had
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That, and it's so important because most of us, you know,
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Been married years, we kind of feel like we're miles apart.
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When the truth is we're really just inches.
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In many cases, if there's any degree of goodwill between two
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People, we get to a point where we may not like each other today
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And we're having the heated fellowship and you know what,
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And we kinda, we're continents apart, but what i am sharing in
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This book is sometimes we're just inches apart and all it
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Takes is a light bulb moment, a moment of realization that the
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Way in which i was interpreting that and framing that wasn't
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What i thought.
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And it's just that quick, the pivot can happen just that
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Quick, and we just had this book filled with those testimonies,
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And it gives people hope because i think at a certain point we
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Get worn out.
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We just feel this, we're doing the same thing.
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We get in what i call a crazy cycle.
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It just keeps happening and we come to a point where we think,
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"i've appealed to them to change.
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They haven't changed, and now i feel not only are they not
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Changing, but because i asked them to, and they haven't, i
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Must not matter to them.
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They must not really care."
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And we begin to feel that the other person, for whatever
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Reason, is resisting us, and it kind of results in our own
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Resentment of them.
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Kirk: man, you're just like reading my mind here, and i
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Think it's because we all struggle with the same kinds
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Of selfishness.
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And we all want that kind of intimate connectedness with our
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Spouse, and that's why i'm so glad you're a christian also is
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Because you're able to point us to the real cure.
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It's not just skills and communication and, you know,
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Putting on big puffy gloves and like beating each other up, but
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It's actually dealing with the heart and the way that god wired
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Us as men and as women and really getting to that
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Transformation and i think it's gonna give people a lot of hope.
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I'm so glad you wrote it.
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Emerson: well, that's my prayer and that is my hope, and i think
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There come these moments in all of our relationships where if i
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Know i'm right, then my spouse has to be wrong.
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And it's not that we want them to be wrong and we're not trying
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To be right, we just feel that we are because we know what we
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Feel in these heated fellowship moments, in these conflicted
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Moments in the marriage.
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We just come to a point where i'm not trying to be right here;
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It's just that you keep, you know, stepping on my air hose,
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So to speak, and i keep asking you not to do that.
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So it's very difficult for us to conclude that you have
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Basic goodwill.
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And one of my challenges to couples based on 1 corinthians
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7:33-34, where paul said, "the husband is concerned about how
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To please his wife.
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And the wife is concerned about how to please her husband."
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And though he penned romans, the great treatise on total
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'pravity, he doesn't say, and you referenced "selfishness,"
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Which we are selfish, but a lot of times we have healthy
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Self-interest, we have basic goodwill, but we come at the
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Circumstances, the situations through a pink
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And blue perspective.
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Jesus said in matthew 19:4, "have you not read, he who made
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Them from the beginning, made them male and female?"
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And one of the things that we need to remind ourselves of is
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That even though we're equal in the eyes of christ, that does
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Not mean we're identical.
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Because we're equal doesn't mean we're the same.
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And it's very difficult when we have these conflicted moments to
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Actually believe that the other person has goodwill, we give
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Them the benefit of the doubt and that they could actually
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Be right.
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In fact, in the book i talk about not wrong, just different
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Shades of right.
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In the gray areas of life, we don't have a "thus saith the
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Lord" issue.
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It's not a moral issue.
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It's not a legal issue.
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Should we spend or should we save?
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And so we have an honest difference of opinion.
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But if i feel that i'm right and i tell you you're wrong, now
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I've escalated this to a judgment with contempt rather
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Than just saying, "honey, i think your way is less better."
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Kirk: i'm trying to think how that would go over with
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My wife.
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Oh my goodness.
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You mentioned earlier that we can so easily slip into what
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You've coined as the crazy cycle.
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Remind us, what is the crazy cycle?
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Emerson: based on ephesians 5:33, which is the summary
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Statement to the greatest treatise in the new testament on
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Marriage, paul says, from the heart of our heavenly father,
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"husbands love your wives and wives respect your husbands."
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Now i always put in the caveat, we all need love and respect
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Equally, but the felt need is different.
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We've asked 7000 people this question: "when you're in a
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Conflict with your spouse, do you feel unloved at that moment
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Or disrespected?"
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Kirk, 83% of the men say they feel disrespected, 72% of the
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Women say they feel unloved.
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So it's not an absolute, but here's what happens.
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When a husband is unloving, right, it hurts, when sarah
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Feels unloved.
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So, when she feels unloved, she tends to negatively react in
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Ways that appear disrespectful to me.
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And then when i feel disrespected, i tend to
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Negatively react in ways that appear unloving to her, and thus
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It starts spinning, the crazy cycle.
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Without love, she reacts without respect.
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Without respect, he reacts without love.
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Without love, she reacts--and it starts spinning, and i say,
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When the issue isn't the issue, and you see the sphere of your
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Spouse deflate, you've entered the crazy cycle.
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Kirk: and the way out of the crazy cycle is to not go with,
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"wow, you really disrespected me right now and so you don't
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Deserve my love.
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I'm gonna punish you."
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But rather to, what, drop back, listen, be slow to speak, and
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Then begin to love her the way that god has loved us.
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Emerson: yeah, well, that's one of the light bulb moments.
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The question every man has to ask, is she really getting up
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Early in the morning to storyboard ways to diss
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You, right?
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But at the end of the day--
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Kirk: i can't believe you just put words to that.
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There are guys out there right now going, "yes, she does.
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That's what she does."
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Emerson: there's this clandestine--exactly.
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"that woman, you know, i-- everybody treats me with
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Respect, but that woman."
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Kirk: and what do women suspect guys are doing?
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Emerson: well, she can't imagine why he's so unloving.
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"why can't you say that in a way that doesn't sound so harsh?
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You're hurting my feelings."
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And so you have--this is one of those light bulb moments.
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The question a man has to ask, "hey, is she really trying to be
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Disrespectful here?
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Or is she feeling insecure?
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Is she reacting negatively because she's saying, 'i have a
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Need that only you can meet, and you're the man that i believe
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In, you're an honorable man, and only you can meet this need'?"
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And it's not a complaint, it's a compliment.
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And how do we reframe that and actually believe that this is a
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Good thing, not a bad thing?
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Kirk: so much depends on our perspective, you're right, about
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How we hear things and how we communicate things.
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There's two ways to say the same thing.
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One may appear to be disrespectful.
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The other may appear to be, "i have a need."
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Emerson: the challenge is to come to a point where you have
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To ask yourself, maybe she's being female here.
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Eighty-five percent of those who complain and criticize in the
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Marriage is gonna be the female.
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Eighty-five percent who withdraw is the husband.
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And so when the husband withdraws and stonewalls, it
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Feels like an act of hostility, very unloving to the women.
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That's been well documented.
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But you and i both know that if you and i were best buddies and
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We got into a heated moment, we're lethal.
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So at a certain point, we realize, just drop it, forget
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It, and we'll exit because the relationship is more important
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Than this stupid issue that we're talking about, right?
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So is it an act of honor when we withdraw and stonewall, or is it
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An act of hostility?
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Well, yes, that's exactly right.
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Pink will see it as an act of hostility, and her feelings need
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To be validated.
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We're not trying to say she ought not to feel that way, but
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We're also saying the man is doing this honorably.
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So now two people of basic goodwill are gonna have to come
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Together and reframe that.
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They're gonna have to have their light bulb moment.
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When we get into this moment of heated fellowship where i feel
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You're being disrespectful, well, i feel you're being
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Unloving, we're gonna have to reinterpret that, aren't we?
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And this is where couples get, "we had this moment that just
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Changed our marriage forever."
00:10:08.431 --> 00:10:10.966
Kirk: one key lesson in your book is, "don't let the 20%
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Define the 80%."
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Could you explain this concept?
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Give us some practical application?
00:10:19.842 --> 00:10:21.410
Emerson: yes, well, it's the 80/20 ratio that we've often
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Talked about, and so it's just a word picture that i've used, but
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Based on that 1 corinthians 7:33-34 passage, the husband is
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Concerned about how to please his wife, and the wife is
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Concerned about how to please her husband.
00:10:34.156 --> 00:10:35.591
I take the position that there's basic goodwill, unless there's
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Adultery, unless there's really evil, violence going on.
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My campaign has always been among couples of goodwill, and
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I've always said that.
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And you have to tell me, does your spouse have basic goodwill?
00:10:45.301 --> 00:10:48.270
And kirk, it's amazing.
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People say, "well, yeah.
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I just don't like them right now, but yeah, they got
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Basic goodwill."
00:10:52.508 --> 00:10:53.843
Okay, so given that's the case, then would you say that the
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Majority of the day, you're both operating with basic goodwill,
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That you don't wanna displease the other, you're not trying to
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Show them that you don't care, right?
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Therein, so are we willing to give the other person the
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Benefit of the doubt?
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You know, when sarah and i have our conflicts, we've been
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Married for 53 years, i say, "i know you love christ, you're a
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Good-willed woman, you love god's will.
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You don't like me right now.
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I don't like you right now, but let's remind ourselves we are
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Allies, we're not enemies.
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We are friends, we're not foes.
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We are on the same team, we're not opponents.
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And i believe that we have the same value, probably the same
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Goal here."
00:11:29.044 --> 00:11:30.412
I talk about same team, same goal, different routes, and the
00:11:30.412 --> 00:11:33.048
Tension comes because we have different ways of navigating
00:11:33.048 --> 00:11:36.185
The situation.
00:11:36.185 --> 00:11:37.520
But once we have these conflicts, some couples begin to
00:11:37.520 --> 00:11:40.022
Say, "you don't--you're bad.
00:11:40.022 --> 00:11:42.658
You're a bad person."
00:11:42.658 --> 00:11:44.059
Now, we don't intend to say that, but that's what
00:11:44.059 --> 00:11:45.694
They're hearing.
00:11:45.694 --> 00:11:47.062
So then they get on the defensive, right?
00:11:47.062 --> 00:11:48.497
So they put up their shield and they club you with their shield,
00:11:48.497 --> 00:11:51.467
And now we're back on the crazy cycle.
00:11:51.467 --> 00:11:53.435
But if we can help people decode some of this and begin to trust
00:11:53.435 --> 00:11:56.939
That the other person has basic goodwill and even give voice to
00:11:56.939 --> 00:11:59.642
That, i say to people, and sarah and i've experienced this, "i
00:11:59.642 --> 00:12:03.279
Know you have goodwill.
00:12:03.279 --> 00:12:04.613
Now, we're upset with each other, but i just wanna go
00:12:04.613 --> 00:12:06.348
On record.
00:12:06.348 --> 00:12:07.716
I know you have goodwill, and in fact, i believe that your idea
00:12:07.716 --> 00:12:09.552
May even be better than mine, but right now, i don't
00:12:09.552 --> 00:12:11.620
See that."
00:12:11.620 --> 00:12:12.988
Well, she softens immediately.
00:12:12.988 --> 00:12:15.357
And when she says the same thing, "you're an honorable man,
00:12:15.357 --> 00:12:17.927
And you'd die for me if i don't kill you first."
00:12:17.927 --> 00:12:20.629
But that when she appeals to that goodwill, i soften.
00:12:20.629 --> 00:12:26.535
That would be one of those light bulb moments.
00:12:26.535 --> 00:12:28.437
So you realize 20% of the time it's gonna--there's gonna be
00:12:28.437 --> 00:12:31.473
Some time, and even sarah and i get nasty.
00:12:31.473 --> 00:12:33.542
She chased me around the house once with my "love and respect"
00:12:33.542 --> 00:12:35.644
Book saying, "what would you say to a husband who's treating his
00:12:35.644 --> 00:12:38.214
Wife the way you're treating me right now," right?
00:12:38.214 --> 00:12:41.417
So, that's part of that 20%, and you're gonna have to
00:12:41.417 --> 00:12:44.486
Understand that.
00:12:44.486 --> 00:12:45.821
But if you let that 20%, you know, poison the 80%, now you've
00:12:45.821 --> 00:12:50.593
Done yourself a great disservice.
00:12:50.593 --> 00:12:52.161
A little leaven leavens the whole, and so there has to be
00:12:52.161 --> 00:12:54.997
This pulling back and remind ourselves of the strengths, and
00:12:54.997 --> 00:13:00.336
Every weakness has a front-sided strength, right?
00:13:00.336 --> 00:13:03.239
And i talk about that, and you have to learn to see that person
00:13:03.239 --> 00:13:07.276
In a more positive light because it's there.
00:13:07.276 --> 00:13:10.412
Kirk: this is so good, this is so important.
00:13:10.412 --> 00:13:12.381
In just a moment, i want us to talk about how my industry, the
00:13:12.381 --> 00:13:16.085
Hollywood movie business, is poisoning couples and
00:13:16.085 --> 00:13:19.588
Relationships today.
00:13:19.588 --> 00:13:21.156
After the break, we're gonna talk more with dr. emerson on
00:13:21.156 --> 00:13:23.692
How couples can improve communication in their marriage,
00:13:23.692 --> 00:13:26.362
And then later in the program, the founders of build your
00:13:26.362 --> 00:13:29.632
Marriage ministry, brad and heidi mitchell, will be sharing
00:13:29.632 --> 00:13:33.068
About the power of praying together as a couple, so don't
00:13:33.068 --> 00:13:36.572
Miss it.
00:13:36.572 --> 00:13:37.907
Heidi mitchell: we just thought each other was the enemy and
00:13:37.907 --> 00:13:39.375
We're both strong-willed, we're both firstborns, and so we would
00:13:39.375 --> 00:13:42.378
Just fight with each other.
00:13:42.378 --> 00:13:43.946
We didn't really think about there's another enemy out there.
00:13:43.946 --> 00:13:53.002
We didn't really think about there's another enemy out there.
00:13:53.002 --> 00:13:56.326
Kirk: we're talking to communication expert and
00:14:00.263 --> 00:14:02.432
Bestselling author, dr. emerson eggerichs, on "light bulb
00:14:02.432 --> 00:14:06.102
Moments in marriage: 12 biblical perspectives for successful and
00:14:06.102 --> 00:14:10.173
Satisfied couples."
00:14:10.173 --> 00:14:11.808
You know, i'm glad that you said, here, successful couples
00:14:11.808 --> 00:14:14.778
And satisfied couples, because i work in an industry where
00:14:14.778 --> 00:14:19.416
Romantic comedy movies are made all the time or movies like
00:14:19.416 --> 00:14:22.152
"titanic," you know, these passionate love story movies
00:14:22.152 --> 00:14:26.890
That if those things played out in real life, we know that the
00:14:26.890 --> 00:14:30.493
End of that story would actually be a great big dumpster fire.
00:14:30.493 --> 00:14:34.297
It would end in fighting and misery and when children are
00:14:34.297 --> 00:14:38.335
Involved, that's not the way most good relationships ever
00:14:38.335 --> 00:14:42.339
Work because they're not built on the right kind of love and
00:14:42.339 --> 00:14:46.209
Respect issues that god has built into us.
00:14:46.209 --> 00:14:50.413
Can you explain to the viewer how the general romance story as
00:14:50.413 --> 00:14:56.853
Watched in movies, that these are actually detrimental to
00:14:56.853 --> 00:15:01.191
Our relationships?
00:15:01.191 --> 00:15:02.559
Emerson: well, you're the expert and would know that, having come
00:15:02.559 --> 00:15:04.361
Out of hollywood, and so i think really tapping into your wisdom
00:15:04.361 --> 00:15:07.197
On that, but my 30,000 view foot is that if i wasn't a christian
00:15:07.197 --> 00:15:12.435
And--is i'd be writing script for hollywood because i
00:15:12.435 --> 00:15:15.071
Understand how god has hardwired women in particular.
00:15:15.071 --> 00:15:19.209
And there's an idealism, and it's a very precious and
00:15:19.209 --> 00:15:22.012
Virtuous thing at so many levels, and yet, as many women
00:15:22.012 --> 00:15:25.682
Have written me, they enter in what they call the princess
00:15:25.682 --> 00:15:27.917
Syndrome, that there was this challenge.
00:15:27.917 --> 00:15:30.587
And i talk in the book about some good friends of ours.
00:15:30.587 --> 00:15:33.423
She led 60 women to christ when she was on parachurch ministry,
00:15:33.423 --> 00:15:38.161
And then she got engaged to this fellow, and later they got
00:15:38.161 --> 00:15:41.531
Married, to get ahead of the story, and they were
00:15:41.531 --> 00:15:43.400
Instrumental in 90 people going into full-time ministry.
00:15:43.400 --> 00:15:46.136
That's how significant this couple was.
00:15:46.136 --> 00:15:48.004
But before the marriage, they're engaged, she goes to see a
00:15:48.004 --> 00:15:51.775
Barbara streisand movie, a romantic comedy, and she calls
00:15:51.775 --> 00:15:55.445
Off the wedding because bill is just this godly, evangelistic,
00:15:55.445 --> 00:15:59.983
Humble guy, but he's not out dancing.
00:15:59.983 --> 00:16:02.719
He's not the--he's just not-- that's not who he is.
00:16:02.719 --> 00:16:05.855
But someone said to her after she called it off, "are you into
00:16:05.855 --> 00:16:08.358
Reel love, r-e-e-l, or are you into real love, r-e-a-l?"
00:16:08.358 --> 00:16:14.564
And it was like the blinders went off of her, and she--it
00:16:14.564 --> 00:16:18.034
Doesn't mean that you let go as a woman of those ideals, but you
00:16:18.034 --> 00:16:20.904
Have to temper it with 1 corinthians 7:28, which i think
00:16:20.904 --> 00:16:23.940
Is the point you're making.
00:16:23.940 --> 00:16:25.708
Paul said, "if you marry, you have not sinned, but you will
00:16:25.708 --> 00:16:30.413
Have trouble."
00:16:30.413 --> 00:16:33.249
And is that to pop everybody's bubble, every woman listening
00:16:33.249 --> 00:16:36.352
To this?
00:16:36.352 --> 00:16:37.720
Not at all.
00:16:37.720 --> 00:16:39.055
Every text has its context, and in verse 4, he said, "the
00:16:39.055 --> 00:16:40.657
Husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife
00:16:40.657 --> 00:16:43.326
Does, and the wife does not have authority over her own body, but
00:16:43.326 --> 00:16:46.396
The husband does."
00:16:46.396 --> 00:16:47.764
What's he talking about?
00:16:47.764 --> 00:16:49.099
Sexual and emotional intimacy in the bedroom.
00:16:49.099 --> 00:16:51.634
God intends for us to have these healthy fellowship moments,
00:16:51.634 --> 00:16:55.271
Heated fellowship.
00:16:55.271 --> 00:16:56.606
It's okay to have a degree of conflict.
00:16:56.606 --> 00:16:58.775
And see, this is what we have to introduce.
00:16:58.775 --> 00:17:00.543
That idealism is wonderful, as long as we understand we live in
00:17:00.543 --> 00:17:03.446
A fallen world, god has ordained it that we have a degree of
00:17:03.446 --> 00:17:06.783
Trouble, not the least of which is we need to figure out in the
00:17:06.783 --> 00:17:09.219
Bedroom how we're going to be sexually and
00:17:09.219 --> 00:17:10.653
Emotionally intimate.
00:17:10.653 --> 00:17:12.021
So, i take this position.
00:17:12.021 --> 00:17:13.356
If you get it right in the bedroom, that's the bedrock of
00:17:13.356 --> 00:17:15.358
Getting it right outside the bedroom, and the lord knew that.
00:17:15.358 --> 00:17:17.627
So what's the point?
00:17:17.627 --> 00:17:18.962
He intends for a husband and wife, who are male and female,
00:17:18.962 --> 00:17:21.531
To learn how to negotiate differences of opinion.
00:17:21.531 --> 00:17:24.767
So, the question then is, are you gonna live by hollywood or
00:17:24.767 --> 00:17:27.504
The holy word, which is the chapter, and that was that
00:17:27.504 --> 00:17:29.973
Illuminate--people written me, "wow."
00:17:29.973 --> 00:17:32.275
Are we gonna live by what jesus said, what is written, what is
00:17:32.275 --> 00:17:35.478
Written, what is written, and align our thinking with that,
00:17:35.478 --> 00:17:38.815
Without letting go of that idealism, but incorporating into
00:17:38.815 --> 00:17:41.551
Your worldview this biblical perspective?
00:17:41.551 --> 00:17:44.487
And if you do, and here's the irony, you have a
00:17:44.487 --> 00:17:47.023
Happier relationship.
00:17:47.023 --> 00:17:48.958
Kirk: well, i think you're exactly right.
00:17:48.958 --> 00:17:50.293
Boy, i think you nailed it.
00:17:50.293 --> 00:17:52.495
Because if people watch too many hollywood movies where
00:17:52.495 --> 00:17:54.797
Everything just turns out just perfectly with this idealistic
00:17:54.797 --> 00:17:57.534
View of marriage, they get into their own relationship and they
00:17:57.534 --> 00:18:00.637
Say, "well, this isn't working.
00:18:00.637 --> 00:18:01.971
This--i--god wants me to be happy.
00:18:01.971 --> 00:18:04.207
You must not be the right one."
00:18:04.207 --> 00:18:06.142
And then they move on.
00:18:06.142 --> 00:18:07.677
In your book, "light bulb moments," what practical advice
00:18:07.677 --> 00:18:11.281
From this book can couples apply today to improve
00:18:11.281 --> 00:18:14.484
Their communication?
00:18:14.484 --> 00:18:15.818
Emerson: well, we certainly have, i think, hinted at quite a
00:18:15.818 --> 00:18:17.787
Few things, and i think that should encourage them.
00:18:17.787 --> 00:18:20.757
I think, you know, trailing on what we were just saying, one of
00:18:20.757 --> 00:18:23.359
The major light bulb moments was i said, "ultimately i do what i
00:18:23.359 --> 00:18:26.563
Do towards sarah as unto jesus christ."
00:18:26.563 --> 00:18:29.098
Paul in ephesians, colossians, "as to the lord," "as to the
00:18:29.098 --> 00:18:32.235
Lord," "we submit to one another out of reverence for christ."
00:18:32.235 --> 00:18:34.971
And so at our conference, and i didn't know how this would play
00:18:34.971 --> 00:18:36.973
In peoria, and we've surveyed 25,000 people, and you'll have
00:18:36.973 --> 00:18:40.677
What we call the marital satisfaction scale, and we have
00:18:40.677 --> 00:18:42.679
Our spiritual satisfaction scale, which is, i say, put a
00:18:42.679 --> 00:18:46.082
Stake in the ground today that you're gonna do what you do unto
00:18:46.082 --> 00:18:48.618
Jesus christ who stands beyond the shoulder of your spouse.
00:18:48.618 --> 00:18:52.422
Then he is there.
00:18:52.422 --> 00:18:53.756
There's your wife, your husband, but christ is there.
00:18:53.756 --> 00:18:56.859
And it's a process.
00:18:56.859 --> 00:18:58.228
None of us do it perfectly.
00:18:58.228 --> 00:18:59.562
I don't even think about the lord sometimes when sarah and i
00:18:59.562 --> 00:19:01.164
Are having our heated fellowship moments, but overall, if i can
00:19:01.164 --> 00:19:04.734
See christ, then ultimately i'm doing this unto christ.
00:19:04.734 --> 00:19:08.171
Sarah is irrelevant--
00:19:08.171 --> 00:19:09.606
That i'm loving christ--and, at our conferences, i ask people,
00:19:09.606 --> 00:19:13.476
You know, "hey, are you willing to put the stake in the ground?"
00:19:13.476 --> 00:19:16.512
And when we did that, those survey results were some people
00:19:16.512 --> 00:19:19.916
After the conference, somebody committed adultery, so the
00:19:19.916 --> 00:19:22.552
Marital satisfaction dropped logically because
00:19:22.552 --> 00:19:25.755
They're unfaithful.
00:19:25.755 --> 00:19:27.123
But the spiritual satisfaction of doing unto christ, we did the
00:19:27.123 --> 00:19:29.359
Comparison, it stuck within the christian community, they got
00:19:29.359 --> 00:19:32.829
This, and i've had people write me, you know, "i felt kind of
00:19:32.829 --> 00:19:36.032
Hopeless and helpless in my marriage.
00:19:36.032 --> 00:19:38.468
But when you encouraged me to begin to do this unto christ,
00:19:38.468 --> 00:19:40.770
That everything matters, everything counts.
00:19:40.770 --> 00:19:42.872
Every time i put on love toward my wife, and i'm doing it toward
00:19:42.872 --> 00:19:47.210
Christ, it touches the heart of christ."
00:19:47.210 --> 00:19:49.178
I had one man who was a major in nickelodeon in new york.
00:19:49.178 --> 00:19:52.215
I used to go in and out of new york and do these events, and he
00:19:52.215 --> 00:19:54.951
Said, "wow, my marriage isn't just about my spouse and me,
00:19:54.951 --> 00:19:59.789
It's about christ and me.
00:19:59.789 --> 00:20:01.591
I've known the lord for years and i never connected christ
00:20:01.591 --> 00:20:04.560
With the marriage.
00:20:04.560 --> 00:20:05.928
And that, boom, changed everything."
00:20:05.928 --> 00:20:07.664
Kirk: light bulb moment for him.
00:20:07.664 --> 00:20:09.799
One of the things that you also talk about in your book is the
00:20:09.799 --> 00:20:12.168
Importance of self-awareness.
00:20:12.168 --> 00:20:13.670
What--how can that be a light bulb moment?
00:20:13.670 --> 00:20:16.739
Emerson: well, it's huge because my defensive reactions when
00:20:16.739 --> 00:20:20.743
Sarah and i are in this heated moment ends up being offensive.
00:20:20.743 --> 00:20:24.881
My defensive reaction is offensive to her.
00:20:24.881 --> 00:20:28.151
So, i'm defending myself thinking she's being
00:20:28.151 --> 00:20:30.620
Disrespectful, right?
00:20:30.620 --> 00:20:32.121
So i withdraw and stonewall, which to her is unloving and
00:20:32.121 --> 00:20:35.391
Offends her.
00:20:35.391 --> 00:20:36.726
And so i have to come to a point of self-realization that when i
00:20:36.726 --> 00:20:39.228
Put up that shield, you know, to protect myself, which is
00:20:39.228 --> 00:20:42.298
Understandable because i'm vulnerable to being disrespected
00:20:42.298 --> 00:20:45.568
And dishonored, right?
00:20:45.568 --> 00:20:47.503
Men feel like they're never good enough and that they're a
00:20:47.503 --> 00:20:49.472
Failure, and we end up guarding ourselves against what we
00:20:49.472 --> 00:20:52.342
Perceive to be a criticism and a complaint that we're
00:20:52.342 --> 00:20:54.944
Failing again.
00:20:54.944 --> 00:20:56.279
And so i put up the defenses and thinking that she should know
00:20:56.279 --> 00:20:58.681
That, she's coming at me again, and so i end up, though,
00:20:58.681 --> 00:21:02.552
Offending her.
00:21:02.552 --> 00:21:03.920
So part of that self-awareness or emotional intelligence is
00:21:03.920 --> 00:21:06.856
Coming to that point where i realize i mustn't let my
00:21:06.856 --> 00:21:09.625
Defensiveness become offensive, and how do i do that?
00:21:09.625 --> 00:21:12.795
And in that book i talk about you've got to decode this.
00:21:12.795 --> 00:21:16.232
Because otherwise, you're just gonna--you're gonna create the
00:21:16.232 --> 00:21:18.701
Crazy cycle we've been talking-- it's just gonna keep spinning.
00:21:18.701 --> 00:21:21.304
And so the question people ask me, "well, who moves first?"
00:21:21.304 --> 00:21:23.740
Well, i said--i prayed about that, and here's the answer i
00:21:23.740 --> 00:21:26.409
Think i received.
00:21:26.409 --> 00:21:27.777
The one who sees himself or herself as the most mature
00:21:27.777 --> 00:21:30.446
Moves first.
00:21:30.446 --> 00:21:32.915
And because you've said your spouse is childish, you
00:21:32.915 --> 00:21:36.886
Move first.
00:21:36.886 --> 00:21:38.254
Kirk: yes, and your move.
00:21:38.254 --> 00:21:39.589
I love how you teach that god wants us not just to be in
00:21:39.589 --> 00:21:43.693
Harmony as a couple, but to recognize that he has called us
00:21:43.693 --> 00:21:47.463
Together to do something together, to fulfill
00:21:47.463 --> 00:21:51.367
His calling.
00:21:51.367 --> 00:21:52.735
Talk about that.
00:21:52.735 --> 00:21:54.070
Emerson: oh, it's huge.
00:21:54.070 --> 00:21:55.438
At our conferences, i say to people, you know, we'll have--
00:21:55.438 --> 00:21:56.906
We averaged 1800 at our conferences over the 2 days.
00:21:56.906 --> 00:21:59.542
I said, "how many of you believe that jesus christ joined
00:21:59.542 --> 00:22:02.378
You together?"
00:22:02.378 --> 00:22:03.713
...
00:22:03.713 --> 00:22:05.047
That's exactly--that's exactly what happens.
00:22:05.047 --> 00:22:06.382
Everybody raises their hand.
00:22:06.382 --> 00:22:07.750
How many of you sense that you were called, that there was
00:22:07.750 --> 00:22:10.219
Something bigger than just the two of you?
00:22:10.219 --> 00:22:11.954
And they'll all--they'll kind of--it's just, it was--something
00:22:11.954 --> 00:22:14.824
Was very special.
00:22:14.824 --> 00:22:16.192
And in 1 corinthians 7, where i'm writing the next book called
00:22:16.192 --> 00:22:18.561
"win-win marriage," 9 times, kirk, 9 times in that chapter
00:22:18.561 --> 00:22:22.698
Paul says we're called.
00:22:22.698 --> 00:22:24.667
We're called, we're called, called, called.
00:22:24.667 --> 00:22:27.170
So the christian community knows they're joined together, they're
00:22:27.170 --> 00:22:29.572
Called to some deeper, greater purpose, but then i say, "how
00:22:29.572 --> 00:22:33.376
Many of you gotten derailed and you're looking through the
00:22:33.376 --> 00:22:35.812
Rearview mirror at that call and that join because right now,
00:22:35.812 --> 00:22:40.283
Maybe you love jesus individually, you kind of
00:22:40.283 --> 00:22:42.785
Periodically maybe pray together, but you're not
00:22:42.785 --> 00:22:44.821
Ministering together and something has gone wrong?"
00:22:44.821 --> 00:22:48.524
And people don't know how to get back on the rail and we address
00:22:48.524 --> 00:22:51.060
That here.
00:22:51.060 --> 00:22:52.428
You have to come back to that point where you had that sense
00:22:52.428 --> 00:22:54.530
Of destiny, but some people think, "well, it's been so long.
00:22:54.530 --> 00:22:57.467
How do we do that?"
00:22:57.467 --> 00:22:58.801
Philippians 1:6, "he who began a good work in you will perfect
00:22:58.801 --> 00:23:01.771
It, will complete it, until the day of christ jesus."
00:23:01.771 --> 00:23:04.240
In the eyes of god, we are saints by calling, paul says.
00:23:04.240 --> 00:23:07.076
We're blameless in his sight.
00:23:07.076 --> 00:23:08.478
We're not condemned.
00:23:08.478 --> 00:23:09.879
So what happens, we move into shame, we--the whole judgment,
00:23:09.879 --> 00:23:13.683
And we end up kind of undermining what should be that
00:23:13.683 --> 00:23:17.753
Calling and purpose being fulfilled.
00:23:17.753 --> 00:23:19.489
And so one of the challenge is somebody's got to take the
00:23:19.489 --> 00:23:21.858
Leadership here to say, "let's just ask god to be merciful
00:23:21.858 --> 00:23:25.228
To us."
00:23:25.228 --> 00:23:26.562
James, the apostle, said, "you have not because you ask not."
00:23:26.562 --> 00:23:28.297
So, let's just have a 2-minute silent prayer even: "lord, we
00:23:28.297 --> 00:23:32.301
Need to get back on track.
00:23:32.301 --> 00:23:33.669
We don't have the power to do this.
00:23:33.669 --> 00:23:35.071
We need your help."
00:23:35.071 --> 00:23:36.405
And i often say, isn't it great the holy spirit is called
00:23:36.405 --> 00:23:38.674
The helper?
00:23:38.674 --> 00:23:40.009
Why? because i need his help.
00:23:40.009 --> 00:23:41.344
Christ said, "apart from me, you can do nothing."
00:23:41.344 --> 00:23:43.446
Sarah and i pray that constantly, "lord, we need
00:23:43.446 --> 00:23:45.114
Your help.
00:23:45.114 --> 00:23:46.449
Apart from you, we can do nothing, but we give you
00:23:46.449 --> 00:23:47.917
Permission again over the next several days, several weeks, to
00:23:47.917 --> 00:23:50.419
Get us back on track.
00:23:50.419 --> 00:23:51.821
May you use us in the lives of somebody else as a couple and
00:23:51.821 --> 00:23:55.458
That we would just see a divine wink here."
00:23:55.458 --> 00:23:58.027
See, we need to give the lord permission to show up again.
00:23:58.027 --> 00:24:01.831
It doesn't take a lot.
00:24:01.831 --> 00:24:03.366
It just takes that god sighting, that moment, and so to get back
00:24:03.366 --> 00:24:06.836
On track is give god permission to show up again because he did
00:24:06.836 --> 00:24:11.507
Join you together, he did call you for his purpose.
00:24:11.507 --> 00:24:14.877
Give him an opportunity to act on your behalf based on his
00:24:14.877 --> 00:24:17.647
Grace and mercy, not on the basis of your merit.
00:24:17.647 --> 00:24:21.183
Kirk: man, i'm so glad that you wrote this, "light bulb moments
00:24:21.183 --> 00:24:24.787
In marriage: biblical perspectives for successful and
00:24:24.787 --> 00:24:27.890
Satisfied couples."
00:24:27.890 --> 00:24:29.258
Thank you so much for coming back on "takeaways."
00:24:29.258 --> 00:24:31.060
Emerson: yeah, i appreciate it.
00:24:31.060 --> 00:24:32.495
Kirk: after the break, we'll be joined by brad and heidi
00:24:32.495 --> 00:24:34.797
Mitchell on the power of prayer and how much it can change your
00:24:34.797 --> 00:24:38.100
Marriage when you pray together.
00:24:38.100 --> 00:24:40.303
So don't miss this.
00:24:40.303 --> 00:24:41.637
We'll be right back.
00:24:41.637 --> 00:24:48.001
We'll be right back.
00:24:48.001 --> 00:24:51.247
Kirk: my next guests, brad and heidi mitchell, are the
00:24:55.384 --> 00:24:57.787
Co-founders of build your marriage, a ministry that's
00:24:57.787 --> 00:25:01.257
Created to encourage and equip couples to grow closer to each
00:25:01.257 --> 00:25:04.460
Other and to christ.
00:25:04.460 --> 00:25:06.295
Together they've written several books, and the one that we're
00:25:06.295 --> 00:25:08.297
Gonna be talking about today is "build your marriage
00:25:08.297 --> 00:25:11.467
With prayer."
00:25:11.467 --> 00:25:12.835
Thank you guys so much for coming on "takeaways."
00:25:12.835 --> 00:25:14.170
Brad: oh, it's our joy. thank you, kirk.
00:25:14.170 --> 00:25:16.005
Kirk: did you tell me earlier that you watch "takeaways"?
00:25:16.005 --> 00:25:17.773
Heidi: we do.
00:25:17.773 --> 00:25:19.108
Brad: we love the show. it's awesome.
00:25:19.108 --> 00:25:20.443
The guests you have on here, we've learned so much
00:25:20.443 --> 00:25:22.745
In watching.
00:25:22.745 --> 00:25:24.080
Kirk: i have learned so much and i'm so excited that we're gonna
00:25:24.080 --> 00:25:27.083
Be learning together with the both of you about how important
00:25:27.083 --> 00:25:30.353
Prayer is in marriage.
00:25:30.353 --> 00:25:32.154
What inspired you to invest your lives in helping other couples
00:25:32.154 --> 00:25:37.226
Strengthen their marriages?
00:25:37.226 --> 00:25:39.595
Brad: well, you know, we've always been interested in
00:25:39.595 --> 00:25:41.330
Helping couples.
00:25:41.330 --> 00:25:42.698
After decades of ministry, we've been interested in that, but the
00:25:42.698 --> 00:25:45.134
Passion to help couples really came out of brokenness in our
00:25:45.134 --> 00:25:47.870
Own marriage.
00:25:47.870 --> 00:25:49.205
We went through just a season that was probably the darkest
00:25:49.205 --> 00:25:52.208
That a couple can go through.
00:25:52.208 --> 00:25:54.477
Many, many years ago, i was unfaithful to heidi,
00:25:54.477 --> 00:25:57.113
Committed adultery.
00:25:57.113 --> 00:25:58.547
We went through all the counseling, all of the
00:25:58.547 --> 00:26:01.584
Accountability, all the conversations that are necessary
00:26:01.584 --> 00:26:04.754
And trust rebuilding and restoration, reconciliation.
00:26:04.754 --> 00:26:08.124
Coming out of that, we really had a burden to say we want
00:26:08.124 --> 00:26:11.627
Other couples to be strong so they don't go through what we
00:26:11.627 --> 00:26:14.597
Went through.
00:26:14.597 --> 00:26:15.931
Maybe not the exact scenario, but to have that kind of a
00:26:15.931 --> 00:26:18.267
Fracture in a relationship because often you do have two
00:26:18.267 --> 00:26:21.037
Spouses that are under the same roof that are isolated from each
00:26:21.037 --> 00:26:23.873
Other relationally, spiritually.
00:26:23.873 --> 00:26:25.875
And it shouldn't be that way.
00:26:25.875 --> 00:26:27.243
That's not god's plan and that's not what he wants.
00:26:27.243 --> 00:26:29.512
Heidi: i would just say too at the--we began to speak and go
00:26:29.512 --> 00:26:32.848
Out and do retreats and conferences and what really
00:26:32.848 --> 00:26:35.885
Inspired me with the whole concept of prayer is one day we
00:26:35.885 --> 00:26:39.555
Were--we had taught on prayer the night before to at this
00:26:39.555 --> 00:26:42.324
Particular conference, and the next morning we were walking
00:26:42.324 --> 00:26:44.627
Into breakfast and a pastor and his wife came up to us and the
00:26:44.627 --> 00:26:48.531
Pastor said to us, he said, "last night you challenged us
00:26:48.531 --> 00:26:51.600
To pray."
00:26:51.600 --> 00:26:52.968
And he said, "my wife and i did it together for the first time
00:26:52.968 --> 00:26:56.439
Ever in our marriage," and he said, "it was life-changing."
00:26:56.439 --> 00:26:59.775
This is a pastor and his wife and he said it was life-changing
00:26:59.775 --> 00:27:02.945
And he said, "we're gonna keep doing this."
00:27:02.945 --> 00:27:04.747
And as we talked more and more to people we realized this is
00:27:04.747 --> 00:27:07.616
Something that couples do not do together.
00:27:07.616 --> 00:27:09.618
They may pray.
00:27:09.618 --> 00:27:10.953
They may pray separately, but they don't pray together.
00:27:10.953 --> 00:27:13.155
And so it just kind of inspired us: we gotta start talking about
00:27:13.155 --> 00:27:15.958
Praying together, making it a priority in marriage.
00:27:15.958 --> 00:27:18.994
Kirk: i think that's a real struggle for people who maybe
00:27:18.994 --> 00:27:22.965
Aren't comfortable praying out loud.
00:27:22.965 --> 00:27:24.533
They think it's a private thing, and they'll see that jesus says,
00:27:24.533 --> 00:27:27.269
"when you pray, don't pray on the street corners for other
00:27:27.269 --> 00:27:29.538
People to hear you.
00:27:29.538 --> 00:27:30.873
Go in private to the secret place with the father, and he
00:27:30.873 --> 00:27:34.643
Will hear your prayers."
00:27:34.643 --> 00:27:36.045
And so they think, "well, maybe we're not supposed to pray
00:27:36.045 --> 00:27:38.147
Out loud."
00:27:38.147 --> 00:27:39.815
Did you pray as a couple together when you were
00:27:39.815 --> 00:27:43.552
Struggling so much, or was that a glaring omission in your
00:27:43.552 --> 00:27:49.058
Spiritual disciplines together?
00:27:49.058 --> 00:27:50.426
Brad: i would say we've always prayed together, so it wasn't--
00:27:50.426 --> 00:27:54.396
It's not that it wasn't there.
00:27:54.396 --> 00:27:55.831
It was the quality of prayer, the types of prayer i think that
00:27:55.831 --> 00:27:58.267
Was lacking so much as well.
00:27:58.267 --> 00:28:00.136
It was a lot more of the, you know, thank you for dinner,
00:28:00.136 --> 00:28:02.404
Thank you for this meal, lord bless our children, those kinds
00:28:02.404 --> 00:28:05.274
Of prayers that were more basic but not heartfelt, not the
00:28:05.274 --> 00:28:08.677
Unifying kinds of prayers that really drew the intimacy that
00:28:08.677 --> 00:28:11.380
We needed.
00:28:11.380 --> 00:28:12.715
Kirk: okay, and so it was the brokenness of your own marriage
00:28:12.715 --> 00:28:16.485
And then as you began to speak together, was that the beginning
00:28:16.485 --> 00:28:19.855
Of build your marriage ministry?
00:28:19.855 --> 00:28:21.257
Brad: it actually was.
00:28:21.257 --> 00:28:22.591
It was coming out of that that we just said, "we don't want
00:28:22.591 --> 00:28:24.660
Other couples to go through this.
00:28:24.660 --> 00:28:26.262
We don't want them to face what we've gone through."
00:28:26.262 --> 00:28:27.963
And so, you know, build your marriage isn't based on, you
00:28:27.963 --> 00:28:30.299
Know, our story or affair recovery.
00:28:30.299 --> 00:28:32.735
There's so much more to marriage than that.
00:28:32.735 --> 00:28:34.436
We probably talk about it maybe a quarter of the time when we're
00:28:34.436 --> 00:28:37.173
Out doing conferences, but we're still open about it because we
00:28:37.173 --> 00:28:40.176
Want to make sure that we're helping couples build a
00:28:40.176 --> 00:28:42.444
Christ-centered marriage.
00:28:42.444 --> 00:28:44.046
Kirk: and being able to expose your scars and failures and
00:28:44.046 --> 00:28:51.187
Talking about how failure is not final, and the lord is a god of
00:28:51.187 --> 00:28:55.291
Redemption, just makes your story accessible to
00:28:55.291 --> 00:28:59.128
Other people.
00:28:59.128 --> 00:29:00.496
They realize they're not alone and they trust you because
00:29:00.496 --> 00:29:02.832
You're not trying to put on some facade that you're perfect and
00:29:02.832 --> 00:29:08.437
That is so refreshing in a world of religious show-offs
00:29:08.437 --> 00:29:13.442
And hypocrisy.
00:29:13.442 --> 00:29:15.344
Authenticity is priceless.
00:29:15.344 --> 00:29:18.814
Now what motivated you to write a book about building your
00:29:18.814 --> 00:29:22.051
Marriage with prayer specifically?
00:29:22.051 --> 00:29:24.587
Brad: oh man, well, one of the things, like heidi mentioned
00:29:24.587 --> 00:29:26.856
That pastor that came up to us, but that had not prayed together
00:29:26.856 --> 00:29:31.093
And now he and his wife were, but when we started looking at
00:29:31.093 --> 00:29:33.028
The statistics of what happens among marriages that do or do
00:29:33.028 --> 00:29:37.266
Not pray together, it was mind blowing.
00:29:37.266 --> 00:29:40.636
So for example, you know, the divorce rate, depending on the
00:29:40.636 --> 00:29:42.938
Statistics you look at, is somewhere between 40% and 50%
00:29:42.938 --> 00:29:46.041
Today in america and it should be zero, right?
00:29:46.041 --> 00:29:48.344
It should be zero, but for the couples that pray together it's
00:29:48.344 --> 00:29:51.513
1 out of every 1152.
00:29:51.513 --> 00:29:54.617
Kirk: really?
00:29:54.617 --> 00:29:56.285
Heidi: and this is amazing too: most couples, only 5% of all
00:29:56.285 --> 00:30:00.990
Couples pray together.
00:30:00.990 --> 00:30:03.192
Christian couples in ministry like pastors, missionaries,
00:30:03.192 --> 00:30:06.795
Only 6%.
00:30:06.795 --> 00:30:08.163
It's only 1 percentage point better.
00:30:08.163 --> 00:30:10.466
And there's other statistics out there.
00:30:10.466 --> 00:30:11.967
There's a university of chicago statistic that shows that 78% of
00:30:11.967 --> 00:30:16.705
All couples who pray together rate their marriage as
00:30:16.705 --> 00:30:19.375
Very happy.
00:30:19.375 --> 00:30:20.743
Brad: so why wouldn't we want to write a book that would help
00:30:20.743 --> 00:30:24.046
Couples do the thing that would strengthen their marriage,
00:30:24.046 --> 00:30:27.082
Strengthen their intimacy, draw them closer to jesus, and
00:30:27.082 --> 00:30:30.185
Protect their marriage from what the rest of the world is seeing
00:30:30.185 --> 00:30:33.822
In marriage?
00:30:33.822 --> 00:30:35.190
Kirk: if there was one thing that, from your experience in
00:30:35.190 --> 00:30:39.795
Talking with other couples and even in your own life, that you
00:30:39.795 --> 00:30:43.766
Would say is the thing that most couples struggle with most, what
00:30:43.766 --> 00:30:47.870
Would you say that it is?
00:30:47.870 --> 00:30:49.405
Heidi: i think a lot of people would think it's sex or it's
00:30:49.405 --> 00:30:51.874
Finances, and those definitely when you look at the stats,
00:30:51.874 --> 00:30:55.077
Those are conflict areas, huge conflict areas.
00:30:55.077 --> 00:30:58.814
But i really think in doing research and talking to people
00:30:58.814 --> 00:31:01.450
For this book, i think prayer, especially among christian
00:31:01.450 --> 00:31:05.220
Couples is something that they really struggle with.
00:31:05.220 --> 00:31:08.157
Brad: i would also say that the other thing people really--they
00:31:08.157 --> 00:31:12.361
Struggle with, but they don't realize it's a struggle is they
00:31:12.361 --> 00:31:14.830
Don't recognize that there is a spiritual battle that is against
00:31:14.830 --> 00:31:17.933
Their marriage.
00:31:17.933 --> 00:31:19.268
They don't recognize that there's an enemy who's come to
00:31:19.268 --> 00:31:21.036
Kill, steal, and destroy, and he wants to tear them apart.
00:31:21.036 --> 00:31:23.872
He wants to kill their joy.
00:31:23.872 --> 00:31:25.274
He wants to steal their marriage away from them.
00:31:25.274 --> 00:31:27.309
He wants to rob them of all the hope, and satan's doing
00:31:27.309 --> 00:31:30.279
Everything he can to come against marriages and to keep
00:31:30.279 --> 00:31:32.715
Them from the spiritual intimacy, from the
00:31:32.715 --> 00:31:34.883
Relational intimacy.
00:31:34.883 --> 00:31:36.251
There's a lot that's going on right now that's coming
00:31:36.251 --> 00:31:38.587
Against marriages.
00:31:38.587 --> 00:31:40.389
Kirk: if prayer is so powerful, why don't christian couples
00:31:40.389 --> 00:31:44.226
Pray more?
00:31:44.226 --> 00:31:46.628
Heidi: i think for some couples it's not a habit.
00:31:46.628 --> 00:31:49.064
They didn't grow up seeing role models who did it.
00:31:49.064 --> 00:31:51.500
Their parents didn't do it, or if they did it, they did it
00:31:51.500 --> 00:31:53.936
Separately and privately.
00:31:53.936 --> 00:31:55.971
They may think, "if i pray about something my spouse is gonna
00:31:55.971 --> 00:31:59.241
Judge me and they're gonna judge what i'm saying or they're gonna
00:31:59.241 --> 00:32:02.277
Think, 'really, you think that?'"
00:32:02.277 --> 00:32:04.246
Or you know, "maybe i don't pray right."
00:32:04.246 --> 00:32:06.348
Maybe there's misconceptions about "i have to have a
00:32:06.348 --> 00:32:08.984
Certain language.
00:32:08.984 --> 00:32:10.319
I have to have a certain style."
00:32:10.319 --> 00:32:11.687
Kirk: sound spiritual.
00:32:11.687 --> 00:32:13.022
Heidi: right, you know, how do you do this?
00:32:13.022 --> 00:32:14.356
What's the formula?
00:32:14.356 --> 00:32:15.724
How do i do this?
00:32:15.724 --> 00:32:17.059
People just have trouble getting out of the starting block and
00:32:17.059 --> 00:32:19.061
Starting to pray.
00:32:19.061 --> 00:32:20.596
Brad: yeah, i think, too, for a lot of men--sorry.
00:32:20.596 --> 00:32:23.065
Heidi: no, go ahead.
00:32:23.065 --> 00:32:24.400
Brad: i think for a lot of men it's the insecurity.
00:32:24.400 --> 00:32:26.435
They don't know how to pray.
00:32:26.435 --> 00:32:27.803
They don't know how to pray well.
00:32:27.803 --> 00:32:29.171
They don't know what that means to pray with their spouse, and
00:32:29.171 --> 00:32:32.508
Men don't want to be failures.
00:32:32.508 --> 00:32:34.009
They don't want to look bad.
00:32:34.009 --> 00:32:35.511
They want to be respected in their marriage, and so they just
00:32:35.511 --> 00:32:38.280
Don't know how to even begin.
00:32:38.280 --> 00:32:39.715
And so they hold back.
00:32:39.715 --> 00:32:41.450
A lot of guys are, you know, realize they're sort of the
00:32:41.450 --> 00:32:44.820
Gauntlet thrown down to be the spiritual leader in the home and
00:32:44.820 --> 00:32:47.823
Because they don't know what that looks like or they see
00:32:47.823 --> 00:32:49.491
Their wife as being more spiritual than them or going to
00:32:49.491 --> 00:32:52.494
More bible studies or whatever, they just hold back so they
00:32:52.494 --> 00:32:55.264
Don't stumble in any way and feel insecure.
00:32:55.264 --> 00:32:58.233
We talk a lot about the husband isn't necessarily to be the
00:32:58.233 --> 00:33:01.170
Spiritual leader but be the spiritual initiator, you know?
00:33:01.170 --> 00:33:05.007
That means that you're just saying, "we're gonna pray
00:33:05.007 --> 00:33:06.708
Together, we're gonna go to church together, we're gonna
00:33:06.708 --> 00:33:09.011
Read this book together, we're gonna have devotions together."
00:33:09.011 --> 00:33:11.346
That's initiating things, which is a form of leadership, but
00:33:11.346 --> 00:33:14.616
Just reframing it makes a difference for the husband.
00:33:14.616 --> 00:33:17.653
And then you mentioned this earlier, a lot of people see
00:33:17.653 --> 00:33:19.822
Their faith as being private and it's meant to be personal, but
00:33:19.822 --> 00:33:25.060
It's never meant to be private.
00:33:25.060 --> 00:33:26.395
And so i think that vulnerability level is another
00:33:26.395 --> 00:33:28.530
Thing that keeps people from opening up in prayers, husband
00:33:28.530 --> 00:33:32.201
And wife.
00:33:32.201 --> 00:33:33.569
Kirk: if you could go back 40 years and talk to the younger
00:33:33.569 --> 00:33:37.973
Versions of yourselves when you were just getting started in
00:33:37.973 --> 00:33:40.876
Marriage, what advice would you give to yourself?
00:33:40.876 --> 00:33:43.545
Brad: a lot.
00:33:43.545 --> 00:33:45.114
Heidi: i think one thing i would say, and you hit on this, was to
00:33:45.114 --> 00:33:47.983
Expect spiritual warfare.
00:33:47.983 --> 00:33:49.952
Because that's something we weren't really prepared for.
00:33:49.952 --> 00:33:52.888
We just thought each other was the enemy and we're both
00:33:52.888 --> 00:33:55.390
Strong-willed, we're both firstborns and so we would just
00:33:55.390 --> 00:33:58.260
Fight with each other.
00:33:58.260 --> 00:33:59.628
We didn't really think about there's another enemy out there
00:33:59.628 --> 00:34:02.865
And we need to be looking at him and not giving him power but
00:34:02.865 --> 00:34:07.903
Taking god's power to defeat him in our marriage.
00:34:07.903 --> 00:34:10.806
We're a team, we're against the enemy, and so i think that was
00:34:10.806 --> 00:34:15.110
One thing that was huge.
00:34:15.110 --> 00:34:16.478
I think another thing for me would have just been to stay
00:34:16.478 --> 00:34:19.948
Calm and curious.
00:34:19.948 --> 00:34:21.550
A lot of times when he would say something, i would just think,
00:34:21.550 --> 00:34:24.520
"that's the craziest thing i've ever heard," and sometimes i
00:34:24.520 --> 00:34:27.656
Would even--sometimes i'd even express it.
00:34:27.656 --> 00:34:29.992
Kirk: she might have been on to something.
00:34:29.992 --> 00:34:31.360
Brad: i think so too.
00:34:31.360 --> 00:34:32.694
Heidi: and sometimes i'd even express that to him.
00:34:32.694 --> 00:34:34.229
I'd just be like, "well, that's a dumb idea," you know, and just
00:34:34.229 --> 00:34:37.199
Reactive, and i don't think that that's--i don't think that's
00:34:37.199 --> 00:34:41.203
Healthy for a marriage.
00:34:41.203 --> 00:34:42.538
I don't think it's good.
00:34:42.538 --> 00:34:43.906
It created a lot of conflict.
00:34:43.906 --> 00:34:45.240
And so calm and curious, just saying, "that's an
00:34:45.240 --> 00:34:49.178
Interesting idea.
00:34:49.178 --> 00:34:50.546
Tell me more about that," and then taking that and it just
00:34:50.546 --> 00:34:53.415
Kind of, you know, makes everything more calmer, and then
00:34:53.415 --> 00:34:55.884
You can say, tell me more, and then take it to the lord
00:34:55.884 --> 00:34:58.654
In prayer.
00:34:58.654 --> 00:35:00.022
Brad: i would probably add to that.
00:35:00.022 --> 00:35:01.356
I would say really appreciate each other.
00:35:01.356 --> 00:35:03.458
You know, cherish each other.
00:35:03.458 --> 00:35:04.826
You're the gift that god has given--your spouse is the gift
00:35:04.826 --> 00:35:06.862
That god has given to you.
00:35:06.862 --> 00:35:08.297
So, to appreciate that because we have friends that are going
00:35:08.297 --> 00:35:10.666
Through things--health crises right now, and their marriages,
00:35:10.666 --> 00:35:13.735
You know, they're looking at possibly losing their spouse and
00:35:13.735 --> 00:35:16.605
All of a sudden everything becomes valuable at that moment.
00:35:16.605 --> 00:35:18.707
Well, why not create that value of your spouse early on?
00:35:18.707 --> 00:35:22.578
I think that's important and to recognize that.
00:35:22.578 --> 00:35:24.980
The other thing i'd say is, listen to understand before
00:35:24.980 --> 00:35:28.317
Speaking to be understood.
00:35:28.317 --> 00:35:29.718
You know, james talks about how we should be quick to listen and
00:35:29.718 --> 00:35:32.221
Slow to speak and slow to become angry.
00:35:32.221 --> 00:35:34.456
If we'd practiced that in our marriages at the beginning, for
00:35:34.456 --> 00:35:37.426
Younger brad and heidi, if we had practiced that in our
00:35:37.426 --> 00:35:39.728
Marriage, it would have just saved us from so many stupid
00:35:39.728 --> 00:35:42.497
Arguments and conflicts and misunderstandings if we had just
00:35:42.497 --> 00:35:45.701
Listened and tried to understand where each other was
00:35:45.701 --> 00:35:47.936
Coming from.
00:35:47.936 --> 00:35:49.805
Kirk: that's such great advice.
00:35:49.805 --> 00:35:51.139
I'm so glad people are hearing this, especially young couples
00:35:51.139 --> 00:35:53.141
Who are listening right now.
00:35:53.141 --> 00:35:55.477
After the break, we're gonna talk more with brad and heidi
00:35:55.477 --> 00:35:57.679
About how much praying together can make a difference in
00:35:57.679 --> 00:36:01.316
Your marriage.
00:36:01.316 --> 00:36:02.651
We'll be right back.
00:36:02.651 --> 00:36:08.007
We'll be right back.
00:36:08.007 --> 00:36:12.328
Kirk: welcome back.
00:36:15.832 --> 00:36:17.200
We're discussing how to build your marriage with prayer with
00:36:17.200 --> 00:36:19.569
Speakers and authors brad and heidi mitchell.
00:36:19.569 --> 00:36:22.272
Okay, if you don't mind me getting personal, tell us how
00:36:22.272 --> 00:36:25.875
Has praying together enhanced your marriage?
00:36:25.875 --> 00:36:31.180
Heidi: one of the ways that it's really helped us, and i know you
00:36:31.180 --> 00:36:33.750
Elaborate more, but when our children were younger, we
00:36:33.750 --> 00:36:36.586
Started a tradition called the red plate.
00:36:36.586 --> 00:36:38.621
We would put a red plate down each night when they achieved
00:36:38.621 --> 00:36:41.891
Something or had a great attitude.
00:36:41.891 --> 00:36:43.693
And then we would honor the person who got the red plate,
00:36:43.693 --> 00:36:46.629
And our family, our kids, brad and me and two of our children
00:36:46.629 --> 00:36:49.499
Would go and we would lay hands on the child who was being
00:36:49.499 --> 00:36:52.735
Honored that day, and everybody would pray a blessing over that
00:36:52.735 --> 00:36:56.673
Child or for prayer requests that that child requested.
00:36:56.673 --> 00:37:00.176
And what i loved about that is, from an early age, it taught our
00:37:00.176 --> 00:37:03.813
Children to pray so you're blessing one family member, but
00:37:03.813 --> 00:37:07.250
Our children, 3 years old, are learning to pray and that now
00:37:07.250 --> 00:37:11.888
Has transitioned into we still continue that with, you know,
00:37:11.888 --> 00:37:15.925
The in-law kids that have joined our family and now our
00:37:15.925 --> 00:37:19.295
Grandchildren are witnessing that and it's just such a
00:37:19.295 --> 00:37:21.864
Blessing to see the next generation do that but that's
00:37:21.864 --> 00:37:25.168
Because we started praying in our marriage and it's just
00:37:25.168 --> 00:37:27.904
Continuing that legacy.
00:37:27.904 --> 00:37:29.472
I would say that's one way.
00:37:29.472 --> 00:37:31.107
Brad: yeah, i'd say another way is that it's really created this
00:37:31.107 --> 00:37:33.376
Adventure with the holy spirit because when we're presenting
00:37:33.376 --> 00:37:36.679
Requests, concerns, decisions, it's this, like, where is god
00:37:36.679 --> 00:37:40.516
Going to lead us?
00:37:40.516 --> 00:37:41.884
What is next?
00:37:41.884 --> 00:37:43.219
It's created this anticipation and unity for us together as we
00:37:43.219 --> 00:37:47.623
Lean upon the lord for his direction.
00:37:47.623 --> 00:37:49.926
So that'd be another thing.
00:37:49.926 --> 00:37:51.260
And interestingly enough, i think it's reduced conflict.
00:37:51.260 --> 00:37:54.030
Heidi: i do too.
00:37:54.030 --> 00:37:56.199
Brad: because as we're praying about something and we're
00:37:56.199 --> 00:37:58.501
Seeking god, even if we're at odds, we're like, okay, we're
00:37:58.501 --> 00:38:00.570
Gonna pray about it, so let's just see, you know, where god
00:38:00.570 --> 00:38:02.739
Directs us.
00:38:02.739 --> 00:38:04.107
In the end, however god's directing us, we have to say,
00:38:04.107 --> 00:38:06.809
"well, that's how god directed us."
00:38:06.809 --> 00:38:08.177
It's not me against heidi, heidi against me, and if we are in
00:38:08.177 --> 00:38:12.448
Conflict with each other, i'm no longer having to try to like
00:38:12.448 --> 00:38:15.251
Convince heidi.
00:38:15.251 --> 00:38:16.619
I can just pray.
00:38:16.619 --> 00:38:17.954
And i ask the holy spirit to do the convincing of heidi.
00:38:17.954 --> 00:38:20.656
I mean, the bible says that god directs the courses of a
00:38:20.656 --> 00:38:23.259
King's heart.
00:38:23.259 --> 00:38:24.627
Why can't he direct the courses of my spouse's heart or
00:38:24.627 --> 00:38:27.797
My heart?
00:38:27.797 --> 00:38:29.132
Kirk: because queens are a lot tougher than kings.
00:38:29.132 --> 00:38:31.567
That's why.
00:38:31.567 --> 00:38:33.169
You know, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, this is--that's not where
00:38:33.169 --> 00:38:35.037
This--where the conversation was supposed to go.
00:38:35.037 --> 00:38:38.674
But you're right, if we are depending on the holy spirit, we
00:38:38.674 --> 00:38:42.612
Believe that god is sovereign, he hears our prayers, and he has
00:38:42.612 --> 00:38:46.783
Our best in mind because he loves us, then we can trust that
00:38:46.783 --> 00:38:52.121
However long it takes, whatever direction he takes us, it's
00:38:52.121 --> 00:38:57.126
Ultimately going to lead us to the desired end.
00:38:57.126 --> 00:39:00.396
Brad: that's right.
00:39:00.396 --> 00:39:01.731
Heidi: that's correct.
00:39:01.731 --> 00:39:03.065
Brad: yeah, if we're really surrendered to him and wanting
00:39:03.065 --> 00:39:04.434
His will to be done, not our will to be done, well then, you
00:39:04.434 --> 00:39:06.803
Know, as we're praying together, we see those things come about.
00:39:06.803 --> 00:39:09.672
Heidi: and sometimes when you don't get--when you're praying
00:39:09.672 --> 00:39:12.108
About something and you don't get what you want or you're
00:39:12.108 --> 00:39:14.544
Praying together about something and then god orchestrates in the
00:39:14.544 --> 00:39:17.513
Way you just described and then you see later what's happening
00:39:17.513 --> 00:39:21.751
And how god did orchestrate that, it just increases your
00:39:21.751 --> 00:39:25.087
Faith as a couple.
00:39:25.087 --> 00:39:26.556
And it's like we made, you know, we follow god, we agreed we were
00:39:26.556 --> 00:39:29.258
Gonna follow god and this is where he led us and then when
00:39:29.258 --> 00:39:31.727
You see that answer to prayer, your faith just grows.
00:39:31.727 --> 00:39:34.597
Kirk: yeah, absolutely, and when prayers are not answered, i've
00:39:34.597 --> 00:39:40.770
Learned to say, "well, maybe god is saying something like, 'kirk,
00:39:40.770 --> 00:39:44.373
I'm not done with the patience lesson that i'm teaching you
00:39:44.373 --> 00:39:48.277
Right now.
00:39:48.277 --> 00:39:49.612
You need to wait a little bit longer.'"
00:39:49.612 --> 00:39:51.314
And i'm, "well, thank you," you know?
00:39:51.314 --> 00:39:54.650
And so, you--it all comes down to those underlying theological
00:39:54.650 --> 00:39:58.287
Beliefs that we have of who god is and how he works, and his
00:39:58.287 --> 00:40:02.058
Ways are so much better than ours.
00:40:02.058 --> 00:40:03.693
Brad: and you mentioned it so rightly, that it's
00:40:03.693 --> 00:40:05.495
His sovereignty.
00:40:05.495 --> 00:40:06.829
Often when we pray we're seeing kind of like god is a servant
00:40:06.829 --> 00:40:10.266
And we're the ones who are served and so we expect him and
00:40:10.266 --> 00:40:13.636
We should pray expectantly.
00:40:13.636 --> 00:40:15.004
I don't mean that otherwise, but i mean we sort of like, "god, i
00:40:15.004 --> 00:40:18.407
Pray this.
00:40:18.407 --> 00:40:19.742
I expect you to do this," instead of trusting his
00:40:19.742 --> 00:40:21.344
Sovereignty to follow through, you know, as he sees fit.
00:40:21.344 --> 00:40:24.680
I mean, even jesus's prayers weren't all answered.
00:40:24.680 --> 00:40:27.049
In john 17, he prayed that we would all be one as he and the
00:40:27.049 --> 00:40:29.719
Father are one.
00:40:29.719 --> 00:40:31.087
John ortberg calls that the great unanswered prayer
00:40:31.087 --> 00:40:32.688
Of jesus.
00:40:32.688 --> 00:40:34.056
You know, or when he was in the garden and he was praying, "take
00:40:34.056 --> 00:40:35.925
This cup from me, but not as-- not my will be done, but your
00:40:35.925 --> 00:40:38.728
Will be done."
00:40:38.728 --> 00:40:40.096
I mean, so we have to remember that as well, that, you know, as
00:40:40.096 --> 00:40:42.331
We lay things before the lord, as we're praying about things,
00:40:42.331 --> 00:40:44.901
We're trusting his sovereignty to do as he sees fit and for
00:40:44.901 --> 00:40:48.137
His glory.
00:40:48.137 --> 00:40:50.072
Kirk: let's talk about your book.
00:40:50.072 --> 00:40:51.407
How is it structured?
00:40:51.407 --> 00:40:52.775
There's certain framework in here.
00:40:52.775 --> 00:40:54.243
Walk us through it.
00:40:54.243 --> 00:40:55.578
Brad: yeah, absolutely.
00:40:55.578 --> 00:40:56.946
One of the things heidi and i wanted to do was create this
00:40:56.946 --> 00:40:58.681
Guidebook for couples, and we wrote 40 different topics that
00:40:58.681 --> 00:41:02.752
Are pertinent to marriage for couples to read through.
00:41:02.752 --> 00:41:05.888
And then after each one of these, there is a prayer, and
00:41:05.888 --> 00:41:09.258
It's a guided prayer.
00:41:09.258 --> 00:41:10.893
We even mentioned if the husband should be praying or the wife
00:41:10.893 --> 00:41:13.429
Should be praying or as a couple, they're supposed to be
00:41:13.429 --> 00:41:15.598
Praying, so it's really laid out there.
00:41:15.598 --> 00:41:17.767
And then a couple of questions for them to talk about
00:41:17.767 --> 00:41:19.735
The topic.
00:41:19.735 --> 00:41:21.070
So it's not only to read the topic and to pray, but it's also
00:41:21.070 --> 00:41:23.873
To dig in and to grow around each one of those 40 topics that
00:41:23.873 --> 00:41:27.710
Pertain to marriage.
00:41:27.710 --> 00:41:29.045
Heidi: and we pick topics like across the board.
00:41:29.045 --> 00:41:30.680
Some are, you know, very spiritual like wisdom or going
00:41:30.680 --> 00:41:34.450
To church, things like that.
00:41:34.450 --> 00:41:35.818
Brad: spiritual warfare.
00:41:35.818 --> 00:41:37.153
Heidi: spiritual warfare, and then some are very practical
00:41:37.153 --> 00:41:39.488
Like fun, how to have fun, travel, friends, time
00:41:39.488 --> 00:41:44.126
Management, busyness.
00:41:44.126 --> 00:41:46.095
Kirk: and what are some practical ways that you
00:41:46.095 --> 00:41:49.031
Encourage couples to incorporate prayer into their daily routine?
00:41:49.031 --> 00:41:53.002
Heidi: this is crazy, but we had some friends--literally, they
00:41:53.002 --> 00:41:55.504
Walked across the state of michigan, praying for
00:41:55.504 --> 00:41:58.374
Communities and people.
00:41:58.374 --> 00:42:00.042
They lived in michigan and they did that.
00:42:00.042 --> 00:42:01.377
Now we haven't walked across the state of ohio.
00:42:01.377 --> 00:42:03.379
Brad: we walked the neighborhood.
00:42:03.379 --> 00:42:04.747
That's all we do.
00:42:04.747 --> 00:42:06.082
Heidi: but we do walk in our neighborhood and--
00:42:06.082 --> 00:42:07.450
Kirk: i walk to the fridge. brad: yeah, there we go.
00:42:07.450 --> 00:42:09.585
Heidi: but we do walk through our neighborhood and we've met
00:42:09.585 --> 00:42:11.587
People over time.
00:42:11.587 --> 00:42:12.955
People will tell us, "my dog just died this morning," or
00:42:12.955 --> 00:42:15.157
Something like that.
00:42:15.157 --> 00:42:16.525
So when we leave them, we pray for them and just that god would
00:42:16.525 --> 00:42:18.694
Give them peace and comfort.
00:42:18.694 --> 00:42:20.129
That's one way that we prayed.
00:42:20.129 --> 00:42:21.497
I love what you started a few years ago.
00:42:21.497 --> 00:42:23.466
Brad: yeah, so a few years ago i was just prompted to pray over
00:42:23.466 --> 00:42:26.969
Heidi and to bless her before we parted for the day, before
00:42:26.969 --> 00:42:30.740
Either of us would leave for work, and so i would hold heidi
00:42:30.740 --> 00:42:33.209
In my arms and i would just pray, "god, please bless heidi.
00:42:33.209 --> 00:42:35.878
Give her a great day," maybe pray something specific about
00:42:35.878 --> 00:42:38.414
What her day was like and actually then she now prays that
00:42:38.414 --> 00:42:41.517
For me and just to start the day before we separate, praying a
00:42:41.517 --> 00:42:45.354
Prayer of blessing and protection and guidance over
00:42:45.354 --> 00:42:47.723
Each other is one of the things that we've found to be really
00:42:47.723 --> 00:42:50.292
Beneficial and unifying for us.
00:42:50.292 --> 00:42:52.928
We can't imagine parting from each other without praying
00:42:52.928 --> 00:42:55.331
That way.
00:42:55.331 --> 00:42:56.666
Heidi: hm-mm, absolutely, and we haven't done this, but some dear
00:42:56.666 --> 00:42:59.135
Friends of ours do this, and i think it's really cool.
00:42:59.135 --> 00:43:00.970
We've talked about doing it in our marriage.
00:43:00.970 --> 00:43:02.938
They will pray together and then at the end of the prayer they've
00:43:02.938 --> 00:43:06.042
Taken scripture.
00:43:06.042 --> 00:43:07.376
They use romans 15:13 and another great one is numbers
00:43:07.376 --> 00:43:12.081
6:24-26 and it's just a blessing.
00:43:12.081 --> 00:43:15.418
It's about hope and peace and so they'll pray and then they
00:43:15.418 --> 00:43:19.288
Recite that scripture together and that's how they wrap up
00:43:19.288 --> 00:43:22.491
Their prayer and i just think that's cool because it's
00:43:22.491 --> 00:43:24.760
Bringing god's word into your prayers.
00:43:24.760 --> 00:43:27.163
Brad: yeah, yeah, we just found praying through the course of
00:43:27.163 --> 00:43:30.299
The day, if something comes up even small, we'll pray about it.
00:43:30.299 --> 00:43:33.602
I don't mean like super-small, but if it's like, you know, just
00:43:33.602 --> 00:43:35.604
Something that's like we have a hard phone call or somebody's
00:43:35.604 --> 00:43:38.207
Got a conversation to have with somebody, that we'll say, "well,
00:43:38.207 --> 00:43:41.644
Let's take a moment and pray about it."
00:43:41.644 --> 00:43:42.978
And so we've incorporated and infused prayer into the course
00:43:42.978 --> 00:43:46.015
Of our day, and i really believe build your marriage with prayer
00:43:46.015 --> 00:43:48.250
Gets couples started on that kind of runway so that they can
00:43:48.250 --> 00:43:52.988
Take off into prayer in a lot of different ways.
00:43:52.988 --> 00:43:55.658
Kirk: can you share with us a story of how a marriage was
00:43:55.658 --> 00:44:00.429
Totally turned around by that couple beginning to
00:44:00.429 --> 00:44:03.966
Pray together?
00:44:03.966 --> 00:44:05.468
Brad: that's a great question.
00:44:05.468 --> 00:44:06.802
Heidi: we have some friends who are in our small group, and i'll
00:44:06.802 --> 00:44:08.804
Just call them ron and laurie, and they went through a really
00:44:08.804 --> 00:44:12.775
Devastating time in their marriage, and they struggled a
00:44:12.775 --> 00:44:15.077
Lot, and we share this with their permission, and they
00:44:15.077 --> 00:44:18.547
Struggled and ended up getting divorced.
00:44:18.547 --> 00:44:22.051
And it was--
00:44:22.051 --> 00:44:23.419
Brad: it was a mess.
00:44:23.419 --> 00:44:24.787
Heidi: mhm, mhm, and ron, after several months felt
00:44:24.787 --> 00:44:29.225
Very convicted.
00:44:29.225 --> 00:44:30.559
He realized he missed laurie and he wanted to have her back and
00:44:30.559 --> 00:44:34.497
So he came to you.
00:44:34.497 --> 00:44:35.865
Brad: came to me and just like brokenhearted, confessed
00:44:35.865 --> 00:44:38.501
Everything before the lord, on his knees, in my office, in
00:44:38.501 --> 00:44:40.903
Prayer, and then he went to, after he asked his daughter's
00:44:40.903 --> 00:44:44.106
Permission to date her mother again, he asked laurie out on a
00:44:44.106 --> 00:44:48.310
Date and he said, she got--and she was willing to try it and so
00:44:48.310 --> 00:44:52.581
She got in the truck and he said, "hey, by the way, i'm
00:44:52.581 --> 00:44:54.383
Bringing somebody with us."
00:44:54.383 --> 00:44:55.718
And she was nervous, "what's that mean?"
00:44:55.718 --> 00:44:57.186
And he said, "i'm bringing jesus.
00:44:57.186 --> 00:44:58.954
He's gonna be with us everywhere we go."
00:44:58.954 --> 00:45:00.656
And they began praying together, and their marriage not only
00:45:00.656 --> 00:45:04.093
Turned around, well, they were divorced.
00:45:04.093 --> 00:45:06.028
And not only turned around as their relationship, but i was
00:45:06.028 --> 00:45:08.631
Privileged to actually do their remarriage ceremony for ron and
00:45:08.631 --> 00:45:12.468
For laurie with their kids and heidi present.
00:45:12.468 --> 00:45:14.837
It was just a little small ceremony, and they're doing
00:45:14.837 --> 00:45:17.206
Great to this day.
00:45:17.206 --> 00:45:19.074
Kirk: that's so great.
00:45:19.074 --> 00:45:20.843
I think of the phrase that we've heard before, the couple that
00:45:20.843 --> 00:45:24.446
Prays together stays together, the family that prays together
00:45:24.446 --> 00:45:27.383
Stays together.
00:45:27.383 --> 00:45:28.717
Jesus prayed, he went down to the wilderness to be with
00:45:28.717 --> 00:45:31.253
The father.
00:45:31.253 --> 00:45:32.588
He prayed with his disciples.
00:45:32.588 --> 00:45:34.256
Why don't we pray more?
00:45:34.256 --> 00:45:35.691
I'm so glad that we're talking about this, and i hope everybody
00:45:35.691 --> 00:45:38.694
Gets your book.
00:45:38.694 --> 00:45:40.029
When they open it up and they begin to go through it, what is
00:45:40.029 --> 00:45:42.731
Your hope that people will take away from this book?
00:45:42.731 --> 00:45:45.768
Heidi: i would hope that people would persevere because i think
00:45:45.768 --> 00:45:49.104
Satan doesn't want us to pray.
00:45:49.104 --> 00:45:50.940
He's terrified of couples praying together because it
00:45:50.940 --> 00:45:53.676
Unleashes god's power in your marriage, and when you pray
00:45:53.676 --> 00:45:57.947
About something, the tentacles of that prayer can affect so
00:45:57.947 --> 00:46:01.617
Many aspects of your marriage, not just the 40 topics we wrote
00:46:01.617 --> 00:46:04.920
About, but everything, not only your marriage, but your
00:46:04.920 --> 00:46:08.224
Children's marriages, your parents', your friends',
00:46:08.224 --> 00:46:10.526
Your church.
00:46:10.526 --> 00:46:11.894
Everything that you come in contact with is affected through
00:46:11.894 --> 00:46:14.597
Your prayers and so satan knows that and he doesn't want you
00:46:14.597 --> 00:46:17.867
To pray.
00:46:17.867 --> 00:46:19.201
And so i would say persevere no matter how hard it is, no matter
00:46:19.201 --> 00:46:21.871
How awkward it is, no matter what you feel like, just do it
00:46:21.871 --> 00:46:26.141
And as you do it and practice it, it'll become easier.
00:46:26.141 --> 00:46:29.912
Brad: there you go, right there, what heidi just said.
00:46:29.912 --> 00:46:31.881
That's exactly what we want.
00:46:31.881 --> 00:46:33.883
Kirk: well, thank you so much for coming on "takeaways" and
00:46:33.883 --> 00:46:36.085
Sharing that with us and for writing this book.
00:46:36.085 --> 00:46:38.354
I hope everybody gets it.
00:46:38.354 --> 00:46:39.722
Heidi: thank you.
00:46:39.722 --> 00:46:41.056
Kirk: after the break, we'll review today's takeaways.
00:46:41.056 --> 00:46:49.002
Kirk: after the break, we'll review today's takeaways.
00:46:49.002 --> 00:46:52.368
Kirk: have you ever wondered why marriage can feel both
00:46:56.505 --> 00:46:59.808
Meaningful and challenging at the same time, and why even the
00:46:59.808 --> 00:47:04.346
People who love each other the most can still struggle to
00:47:04.346 --> 00:47:08.250
Understand one another?
00:47:08.250 --> 00:47:09.718
I had such important conversations today with brad
00:47:09.718 --> 00:47:12.755
And heidi mitchell and with emerson eggerichs, as we
00:47:12.755 --> 00:47:16.358
Explored prayer, perspective, and the deeper purpose
00:47:16.358 --> 00:47:19.929
Of marriage.
00:47:19.929 --> 00:47:21.263
Here's a few of today's takeaways.
00:47:21.263 --> 00:47:23.866
Don't let the 20% define the 80%.
00:47:23.866 --> 00:47:28.404
Emerson went straight to the heart of many
00:47:28.404 --> 00:47:31.607
Struggling marriages.
00:47:31.607 --> 00:47:33.275
We often let the 20% of unlovingness or disrespect from
00:47:33.275 --> 00:47:37.846
A spouse define our view of the entire relationship.
00:47:37.846 --> 00:47:42.584
But he said that what we need is a light bulb moment, a shift in
00:47:42.584 --> 00:47:47.222
Perspective that reframes how we see conflict.
00:47:47.222 --> 00:47:51.961
He reminded us that disagreements in marriage
00:47:51.961 --> 00:47:54.930
Usually aren't because either person lacks goodwill or has bad
00:47:54.930 --> 00:47:59.868
Intentions, but because god simply created men and
00:47:59.868 --> 00:48:03.405
Women differently.
00:48:03.405 --> 00:48:05.207
The real solution, he says, isn't just better communication
00:48:05.207 --> 00:48:08.344
Skills, it's dealing with the heart and understanding how god
00:48:08.344 --> 00:48:12.715
Wired us.
00:48:12.715 --> 00:48:14.416
So much depends on perspective, how we hear, how we interpret,
00:48:14.416 --> 00:48:19.421
And how we respond.
00:48:19.421 --> 00:48:21.657
What do we do in heated moments with our spouse?
00:48:21.657 --> 00:48:25.127
Remember what emerson said: we're on the same team, same
00:48:25.127 --> 00:48:29.164
Goal, just different routes.
00:48:29.164 --> 00:48:32.134
The tension is how we navigate it.
00:48:32.134 --> 00:48:34.803
We can choose to give the benefit of the doubt, practice
00:48:34.803 --> 00:48:38.374
Self-awareness, and respond with honor instead of hostility by
00:48:38.374 --> 00:48:43.245
Recognizing that god made us equal, but he did not make
00:48:43.245 --> 00:48:47.516
Us identical.
00:48:47.516 --> 00:48:50.285
Real love equals calling, not comfort.
00:48:50.285 --> 00:48:54.156
One of my favorite parts of this conversation was emerson's
00:48:54.156 --> 00:48:57.726
Reminder that the love we see in movies isn't real,
00:48:57.726 --> 00:49:02.431
That real love doesn't mean an absence of conflict, and that
00:49:02.431 --> 00:49:07.269
God uses marriage to shape us into the likeness of jesus.
00:49:07.269 --> 00:49:12.107
And every disagreement becomes an opportunity for us to grow in
00:49:12.107 --> 00:49:16.512
Wisdom, patience, and self-control.
00:49:16.512 --> 00:49:20.015
I loved his mental picture of jesus standing behind our
00:49:20.015 --> 00:49:24.086
Spouse's shoulder.
00:49:24.086 --> 00:49:26.422
That's both convicting and encouraging, right?
00:49:26.422 --> 00:49:29.658
When we choose to put on love, like scripture says, marriage
00:49:29.658 --> 00:49:34.196
Stops being about us and starts becoming about christ in us.
00:49:34.196 --> 00:49:40.002
So, if you feel stuck in the crazy cycle, revisit god's
00:49:40.002 --> 00:49:44.039
Design for marriage--that he created it on purpose for a
00:49:44.039 --> 00:49:49.111
Greater purpose.
00:49:49.111 --> 00:49:51.613
Be the initiator.
00:49:51.613 --> 00:49:53.415
Brad and heidi shared how challenging it can be to begin
00:49:53.415 --> 00:49:57.119
Praying together.
00:49:57.119 --> 00:49:58.454
Now, for most of us, praying out loud can feel vulnerable when
00:49:58.454 --> 00:50:02.257
Others are listening.
00:50:02.257 --> 00:50:04.059
What does my spouse think?
00:50:04.059 --> 00:50:05.427
What if i don't know what to say?
00:50:05.427 --> 00:50:06.762
What if i don't sound eloquent?
00:50:06.762 --> 00:50:08.697
But they reminded us that these thoughts are completely normal
00:50:08.697 --> 00:50:12.401
And that many of us never saw prayer modeled out loud
00:50:12.401 --> 00:50:17.072
In marriage.
00:50:17.072 --> 00:50:18.440
That realization alone can release us from the pressure
00:50:18.440 --> 00:50:21.276
That we have to be experts on prayer.
00:50:21.276 --> 00:50:24.179
One of the most impactful things they shared to me was the idea
00:50:24.179 --> 00:50:27.416
Of choosing to be the spiritual initiator.
00:50:27.416 --> 00:50:30.853
I think this is especially encouraging for men who want to
00:50:30.853 --> 00:50:34.756
Lead spiritually but aren't sure how.
00:50:34.756 --> 00:50:37.593
So instead of feeling pressure to create a big plan, simply
00:50:37.593 --> 00:50:40.996
Initiate something small, like praying on a walk, praying a
00:50:40.996 --> 00:50:45.534
Blessing of protection over your spouse in the morning, or even
00:50:45.534 --> 00:50:50.038
Reading a book on prayer together, like brad and
00:50:50.038 --> 00:50:52.741
Heidi's book.
00:50:52.741 --> 00:50:54.109
Just initiate it, get it started, and as you make the
00:50:54.109 --> 00:50:57.513
Habit of praying together regular, it becomes easier as
00:50:57.513 --> 00:51:02.251
You go.
00:51:02.251 --> 00:51:03.585
Expect, prioritize, and persevere.
00:51:03.585 --> 00:51:07.322
A final takeaway from our conversation today is that there
00:51:07.322 --> 00:51:10.826
Are real enemies who want our marriages to fail.
00:51:10.826 --> 00:51:14.196
In fact, statistics show nearly half of marriages in our country
00:51:14.196 --> 00:51:18.500
Will end in divorce.
00:51:18.500 --> 00:51:21.003
If we know to expect conflict in marriage, and we know that
00:51:21.003 --> 00:51:25.207
Praying as a couple strengthens our relationship, then why
00:51:25.207 --> 00:51:28.644
Wouldn't we prioritize the very thing that helps
00:51:28.644 --> 00:51:32.114
Marriages persevere?
00:51:32.114 --> 00:51:34.183
Prayer is not just a marriage hack, it's applying the theology
00:51:34.183 --> 00:51:38.720
We believe.
00:51:38.720 --> 00:51:40.155
Heidi shared that before they prayed together, they often saw
00:51:40.155 --> 00:51:43.859
Each other as the enemy during conflict, but once prayer became
00:51:43.859 --> 00:51:48.263
Part of their relationship, they began to see who the real
00:51:48.263 --> 00:51:51.833
Enemies were, and they became united together instead
00:51:51.833 --> 00:51:55.504
Of divided.
00:51:55.504 --> 00:51:57.773
When we expect resistance and we prioritize prayer in our
00:51:57.773 --> 00:52:01.476
Relationships, our faith deepens as we watch god answer those
00:52:01.476 --> 00:52:05.514
Prayers and even uses the unanswered ones to grow us and
00:52:05.514 --> 00:52:10.485
Help us persevere.
00:52:10.485 --> 00:52:12.221
So to put it simply, expect conflict, prioritize prayer,
00:52:12.221 --> 00:52:16.291
And persevere.
00:52:16.291 --> 00:52:18.227
Well, that's it for this episode of "takeaways."
00:52:18.227 --> 00:52:20.028
Thanks for watching.
00:52:20.028 --> 00:52:21.396
And if you've enjoyed this show, don't forget to set your dvr so
00:52:21.396 --> 00:52:24.466
You never miss an episode.
00:52:24.466 --> 00:52:25.934
And of course, you can always catch up on past episodes by
00:52:25.934 --> 00:52:29.037
Searching for "takeaways" on tbn+ or by visiting the kirk
00:52:29.037 --> 00:52:33.442
Cameron on tbn youtube channel.
00:52:33.442 --> 00:52:36.144
We'll see you here next time for more great conversations.
00:52:36.144 --> 00:52:36.144

Emerson Eggerichs and Brad & Heidi Mitchell: Understanding and Encouraging Your Spouse | Takeaways with Kirk Cameron

February 9, 2026 | 52:55

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