J.R. Briggs & Debra Fileta: Ways To Improve Our Social Skills: Takeaways With Kirk Cameron

March 9, 2026 | 53:25

Kirk Cameron is joined by J.R.Briggs and Debra Fileta discussing the art of asking good questions and practicing better social skills to enhance and enrich relationships with others.

#Author #Communication #Relationships #Peopleinyourlife #Emotion #EmotionalHealth #Leaders #SpiritualGrowth #Church #Community #KirkCameron #DebraFileta

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Takeaways with Kirk Cameron | J.R. Briggs & Debra Fileta: Ways To Improve Our Social Skills: Takeaways With Kirk Cameron | March 9, 2026

Kirk cameron: in what ways can we have more meaningful
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Conversations with each other beyond the social posts
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And texts that we make on our phones every day?
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In our digital age of communicating on multiple social
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Media platforms, we can be in danger of becoming more isolated
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Than ever, not knowing how to really connect personally with
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Other human beings, face to face.
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Well, my guests today, j.r. briggs
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And debra fileta, will share insights on how we can
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Sharpen our social skills, ask better questions, and have more
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Fulfilling interactions with one another.
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J.r. briggs: this is how jesus informed and transformed
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His listeners.
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And so, he used one of those tools of question asking as
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A part of that formation and transformation
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In people's lives.
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Debra fileta: you know, this isn't just about having more
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Influence, and being more successful, and getting more
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People to like you.
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This is about being able to convey god's love to the best
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Of our ability.
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Kirk: so, let's get started right now on "takeaways."
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♪♪♪
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Kirk: for more than 15 years, j.r. briggs
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Served in pastoral roles in mega churches, and church
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Plants, and house church networks.
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But since starting kairos partnerships, he's coached
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A wide variety of leaders, including business owners and
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College presidents, and he's released a new book, and it's
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Called "the art of asking better questions: pursuing stronger
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Relationships, healthier leadership, and deeper faith."
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J.r., thanks for coming on "takeaways."
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J.r.: thanks for having me, kirk.
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Really appreciate it.
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Kirk: i'm really fascinated by your book, and i'm fascinated by
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What we're about to talk about, because i have always noticed
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That people who ask good questions are really fun to talk
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To because it makes me feel like you're interested in me and
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You're not just wanting to talk about you.
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J.r.: yeah, very much so.
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Kirk: so, what made you write this book?
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J.r.: yeah, there were several things.
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I was fortunate enough to grow up in a family where that was
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Modeled really well, both my parents, but especially
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My father.
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That's why i dedicated the book to him.
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He just was always asking good questions of us, my brother and
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I, but also, i just noticed he got into all sorts of great
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Conversations with people.
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I'd overhear him in the narthex at church or with our neighbors,
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And i thought, you know, this is fascinating as a kid learning
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And getting to eavesdrop in on conversations.
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So, that was the first one.
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The second one is, i just began to notice like you started, the
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Really inspiring people who--they have meaning and
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Purpose in their life.
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And then those who live small, uninspiring lives, i noticed
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A difference when i was growing up.
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This group asked great questions.
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This group wasn't all that interested in asking questions,
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And i began to say, which group do i wanna be like?
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I wanna be like this group, and one of those defining factors
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Was the ability to ask better questions.
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So, i began to take notice.
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And as i got older, reading the scriptures, i began to notice in
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The new testament, jesus, the way the truth and the life, yet
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He asked so many questions.
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In fact, i got a red letter edition of the bible, and i just
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Began to go through and circle every red question mark i found,
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And i was blown away by how many questions--
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Kirk: were there dozens or hundreds or--
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J.r.: so, jesus asked over 300 questions.
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Kirk: really?
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J.r.: here's the fascinating thing, kirk.
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He was--he was asked over 180 questions, and he only directly
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Answered five of them.
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Four indirectly, and the rest he ignored, asked another question,
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Or told a story.
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Kirk: is that true?
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J.r.: yeah, yeah, that was part of the research
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Of going through that, of going--
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Kirk: only answered five direct--
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J.r.: five direct, four indirect, and the rest--
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Kirk: and was asked over 100, and then he himself asked
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Over 300?
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J.r.: yes, yes.
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And so, here's the way, the truth and the life, who asks
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Over 300 in the gospels, and don't forget the one in acts,
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"saul, saul, why do you persecute me?"
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And so of all those questions, you think, huh, if anyone in
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History had an opportunity to just give answers, it would have
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Been jesus, and yet he asked so many questions.
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Kirk: you say in your book, j. r., that asking good
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Questions has the potential to transform every area
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Of our life.
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Why do you say that?
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J.r.: yeah, the quality of your life will be determined by the
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Quality of the questions you ask god, yourself, and others.
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It opens up an aperture.
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There's more creativity, there's more connection with people,
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There's more trust that's built.
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And the questions we ask god, i mean, we look at the psalms,
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It's full of questions, very blunt and open with god.
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So, we're given permission to ask god, the god of the
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Universe, all sorts of questions.
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And that's what i think prayer is.
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Prayer is a question.
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It is a series of questions we interact with and engage
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With god.
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Kirk: j.r., this is really exciting to me because recently,
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My son and i got into some hot water.
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We caught hell, so to speak, for asking a question about
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The afterlife.
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And many people are afraid to ask questions, particularly of
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Faith within the church because we're supposed to have faith
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And not doubt.
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And so, they think that that means don't ask why, don't ask
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How come, but like you said, the psalms are filled with david
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Asking really difficult questions.
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Why, lord?
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How long, lord, will you let this go on?
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When will you come to our rescue?
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And this maybe gives us permission to ask those
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Difficult questions and perhaps god even delights for his
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Children to wrestle with him, and his world, and his ways.
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I really like this.
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J.r.: yes, and in addition, i remember david was considered
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A man after god's own heart.
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So, it's not like god was saying, "hey, don't ask
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Those questions."
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Instead, he said, "i honor those questions."
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I think god desires us to ask questions even if they're
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Difficult or tough, rather than for us to say, "never mind."
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And so, i'm really grateful for the psalms because it does
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Give us permission.
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But jesus in the book of john says, "i don't do anything
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Unless i see my father doing it.
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I only do what i see my father doing."
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The whole old testament wher--it's tons of questions
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There that god asks.
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So, why would the god of the universe who knows everything,
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Ask questions?
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Ask questions of moses, of hagar, of elijah.
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There's a series of a chunk of chapters in the book of job--
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Kirk: i was just gonna say--
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J.r.: --where he just unloads on him.
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Kirk: oh, "where were you when i set the earth on it's axis?"
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J.r.: whirlwind of--
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Kirk: "where were you when i set the boundaries for
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The water in the ocean?"
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J.r.: yeah.
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Kirk: god already knows the answers to these questions, but
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He's asking job because he wants job to think about the answers.
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J.r.: even jonah, jonah is my favorite old testament book,
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And he says, "do you have a right to be angry?"
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Jonah goes, "yes, i do."
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And he asks him again, do you have a right to be angry
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Later in the story.
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"yes, i do."
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And so, it's interesting how god is willing to interact.
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Kirk: how about jesus saying, "peter, who do men say that
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I am?
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Who do you say that i am?"
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J.r.: yeah.
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Kirk: can you give us some examples of how jesus asked
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Really good questions?
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J.r.: yeah, one of the things that we often forget is that
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Jesus was a rabbi, and part of the rabbinical training
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Was actually learning through questions.
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That's how they engaged with--so, that's why we're
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Confused in the west when we--jesus has asked the
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Question, then he responds to the question.
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We go, "wait, wait, wait, why did you do that?"
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That was actually his training as a rabbi, was learning to
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Engage by asking questions, that's how we learn.
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In fact, even today in jewish yeshiva or torah school, they
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Teach you to ask questions before they teach you
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To give answers.
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And so, that's a big part of it.
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The other thing too, when you notice how jesus trained people,
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And engaged with his listeners caused real formation
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And transformation.
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He took them on three field trips.
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Number one, he took them on physical field trips, right?
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So, look at the birds of the air, look at the lilies of
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The field.
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He watched the woman put in two mics.
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So, engagement happened when he was out.
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Number two is emotional field trips.
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He told stories, right?
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The parables of the kingdom.
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And three, he took them on mental field trips by
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Asking questions.
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This is how jesus informed and transformed his listeners.
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And so, he used one of those tools of question asking as
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A part of that formation and transformation
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In people's lives.
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And we see that over and over again.
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Sometimes his questions were rebuking questions, sometimes
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They were rhetorical questions.
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Sometimes they were kind.
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Kirk: what's one of your favorite questions of jesus?
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J.r.: yeah, yeah.
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Well, when i'm hungry, one of my favorites is when he says, "do
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You guys have anything to eat?"
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You know, after the resurrection, which on the
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Surface we think, you know, no big deal, but ghosts don't eat.
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So, what a beautiful detail to put that question in to say,
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Jesus came back in bodily form, because bodies get hungry and we
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Need food.
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On the surface, it seems silly, but it's really deep.
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The second--the second one, and you mentioned already is, "who
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Do you say that i am?"
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And he--he turns up the heat.
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"what do people say about me?"
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And then he says, "and what about you?"
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He just turns up the temperature in the room.
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First, he's asking for the gallup poll answer, and then
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He's saying, "what about you?"
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Kirk: "how about--how about you?"
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J.r.: tightening the screws. "what about you?"
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And of course, that's the question we all have to ask--or
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Answer when jesus asks us, "who do you say that?"
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Am i just a good teacher?
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Am i something different?
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And so, i just love it.
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I would encourage anybody listening to watch--when you
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Read the scripture, circle the question marks of jesus and then
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Ask, why did he ask?
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Where did he ask?
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Who did he ask?
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And what was the result that happened after he asked that?
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It's amazing.
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Kirk: okay, j.r, but i know there's somebody listening to
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Us right now going, "yeah, that's kind of interesting.
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That's cool.
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Jesus liked to answer--ask good questions, and j.r.
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Likes to ask questions, and kirk seems to, you know, get be
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Getting excited about this, but i'm cool just staying quiet.
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I don't really like to ask questions because i don't like
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To talk to people."
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What happens if we don't learn to ask good questions?
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J.r.: great, great question on that.
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The aperture of our lives--
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Kirk: a lot coming from you.
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J.r.: well, the aperture of our lives open up when we--opens up
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When we do, okay.
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But when we don't, our worlds really do become small when we
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Become the kinds of people that just don't ask questions.
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We don't push ourselves, but it's more than just us, we gotta
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Live with our arrows pointing out.
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We don't get a chance to honor people.
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Questions are a form of hospitality.
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Of course, the word hospital is in the word hospitality, so
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There's a sense of healing, sense of connection, trust
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Is built.
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I would argue that every important relationship in our
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Lives that's healthy, has the component of questions baked in
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Throughout that relationship.
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I've never met anybody that has a deep relationship with someone
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Real healthy over a long period of time, but we've never asked
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Questions to--
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Kirk: j.r., why do you think many of us don't ask questions?
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J.r.: yeah, there's a lot of barriers and obstacles in our
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Culture we have to overcome.
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The first one is we live in a cultural narcissism
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And conversational narcissism society.
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And so, what happens is--
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Kirk: what's narcissism?
00:10:54.176 --> 00:10:55.511
J.r.: yeah, narcissism, it's all about me.
00:10:55.511 --> 00:10:56.846
The errors are pointing toward me.
00:10:56.846 --> 00:10:58.214
And so, if they're--they're pointing toward me, the joke
00:10:58.214 --> 00:11:00.883
Goes, "enough about me.
00:11:00.883 --> 00:11:02.218
What do you think about me," right, and so--
00:11:02.218 --> 00:11:03.586
Kirk: my dad loves that one.
00:11:03.586 --> 00:11:04.920
J.r.: --as a result, what we need to do is live with our
00:11:04.920 --> 00:11:07.223
Errors pointing out where they say, "look at you.
00:11:07.223 --> 00:11:09.592
Let's put the focus on you."
00:11:09.592 --> 00:11:10.926
And so, that's a barrier because it's all about me, social media
00:11:10.926 --> 00:11:13.662
Is all about me, so that's number one.
00:11:13.662 --> 00:11:15.498
Number two is it's not modeled very well.
00:11:15.498 --> 00:11:17.900
We live in question deserts, just like there are
00:11:17.900 --> 00:11:19.835
Food deserts.
00:11:19.835 --> 00:11:21.203
We live in question deserts.
00:11:21.203 --> 00:11:22.705
Let's say it's just not modeled--it's hard to know how
00:11:22.705 --> 00:11:25.107
To do it well if it's not modeled well.
00:11:25.107 --> 00:11:27.276
But we also live in a culture where it's inefficient.
00:11:27.276 --> 00:11:30.813
And when we live where we want efficiency and productivity,
00:11:30.813 --> 00:11:34.750
Questions, it slows things down and it allows us to go deeper.
00:11:34.750 --> 00:11:38.788
But if we want speed, some people can get very frustrated
00:11:38.788 --> 00:11:42.158
By that because it's slowing it down.
00:11:42.158 --> 00:11:44.026
The other thing is we're afraid of looking dumb.
00:11:44.026 --> 00:11:46.762
When we ask a question, it takes immense courage and humility to
00:11:46.762 --> 00:11:50.266
Say, "i don't know, you tell me."
00:11:50.266 --> 00:11:52.935
And so, because of those things, those are hard barriers to
00:11:52.935 --> 00:11:55.571
Overcome, and it is also hard work.
00:11:55.571 --> 00:11:58.808
Kirk: man, i love this.
00:11:58.808 --> 00:12:01.210
I can't wait to get into the nitty gritty here.
00:12:01.210 --> 00:12:03.846
When we come back, we're gonna talk more with j.r.
00:12:03.846 --> 00:12:05.848
About how asking better questions may open up a universe
00:12:05.848 --> 00:12:11.053
Of possibilities for you.
00:12:11.053 --> 00:12:12.388
And then later in the program, debra fileta will share
00:12:12.388 --> 00:12:15.057
Strategies in improving our people skills, so stay with us.
00:12:15.057 --> 00:12:18.460
Debra: you know, this isn't just about having more influence, and
00:12:18.460 --> 00:12:21.864
Being more successful, and getting more people to like you.
00:12:21.864 --> 00:12:25.134
This is about being able to convey god's love to the best of
00:12:25.134 --> 00:12:29.104
Our ability.
00:12:29.104 --> 00:12:34.210
♪♪♪
00:12:35.748 --> 00:12:42.055
Kirk: we are back with j.r. briggs,
00:12:42.055 --> 00:12:43.756
Inviting us into the skill of asking intentional,
00:12:43.756 --> 00:12:47.360
Well-crafted questions that can deepen our relationships and
00:12:47.360 --> 00:12:51.330
Our faith.
00:12:51.330 --> 00:12:52.665
Man, i'm so excited about this.
00:12:52.665 --> 00:12:54.033
So, we're gonna get into--i want you to coach me on how i can ask
00:12:54.033 --> 00:12:57.336
Better questions, and i know i've gotta--i gotta think
00:12:57.336 --> 00:12:59.605
Through what it is i'm trying to accomplish here with these
00:12:59.605 --> 00:13:02.975
Questions, 'cause i often have so much i wanna say.
00:13:02.975 --> 00:13:07.013
How has asking better questions transform your life personally?
00:13:07.013 --> 00:13:12.151
And then we'll get into it.
00:13:12.151 --> 00:13:13.519
J.r.: sure.
00:13:13.519 --> 00:13:14.854
Well, quick story, i had a chance to study abroad in israel
00:13:14.854 --> 00:13:17.356
For a semester in college.
00:13:17.356 --> 00:13:18.724
It was fantastic. loved it.
00:13:18.724 --> 00:13:20.426
The bible just opened up to me in new ways.
00:13:20.426 --> 00:13:22.762
I'd always wanted to go fishing on the sea of galilee.
00:13:22.762 --> 00:13:25.398
So, one afternoon i'm seeing a fisherman come in with his
00:13:25.398 --> 00:13:29.001
Catch, and i thought, wow, there's a fisherman, like
00:13:29.001 --> 00:13:31.337
A legitimate fisherman.
00:13:31.337 --> 00:13:33.372
I wonder, i should just go out.
00:13:33.372 --> 00:13:34.707
I wonder if does it go on.
00:13:34.707 --> 00:13:36.742
And i said, i wonder if i could just go on and, and actually, i
00:13:36.742 --> 00:13:39.212
Would love to spend the day free, you know, hired hand to
00:13:39.212 --> 00:13:42.448
Just help.
00:13:42.448 --> 00:13:43.816
And i thought he's like--why would he listen to
00:13:43.816 --> 00:13:45.651
Some american?
00:13:45.651 --> 00:13:47.520
You just don't want to get in the wrong exchange, you know,
00:13:47.520 --> 00:13:49.355
So i said, well, i asked myself two questions that actually
00:13:49.355 --> 00:13:54.026
Changed the trajectory of a lot of things in my life.
00:13:54.026 --> 00:13:56.696
I said, what's the worst that he could say?
00:13:56.696 --> 00:13:59.432
No, or heck no, get out of here, whatever.
00:13:59.432 --> 00:14:02.034
And number two, can i handle that?
00:14:02.034 --> 00:14:05.037
Can i handle a no?
00:14:05.037 --> 00:14:06.372
And i thought, yeah, he could say no, and number two, i can
00:14:06.372 --> 00:14:09.242
Handle that.
00:14:09.242 --> 00:14:10.576
So, i just walked up to him and i said, hey, listen,
00:14:10.576 --> 00:14:12.278
I would love to go fishing on the sea of galilee.
00:14:12.278 --> 00:14:13.746
I've always wanted to do it for free, you can use me all day
00:14:13.746 --> 00:14:16.482
Tomorrow out on your vessel.
00:14:16.482 --> 00:14:18.351
Can i go with you?
00:14:18.351 --> 00:14:19.685
He said, "show up at 6 o'clock tomorrow and we'll go."
00:14:19.685 --> 00:14:21.721
And i thought, what?
00:14:21.721 --> 00:14:23.055
This is amazing.
00:14:23.055 --> 00:14:24.423
So then i began to try that out some more and followed a bedouin
00:14:24.423 --> 00:14:27.727
Shepherd, and helped him raise sheep for the day and helped him
00:14:27.727 --> 00:14:32.465
With the birth of a--of a lamb, simply because i said,
00:14:32.465 --> 00:14:35.501
What--what's the worst he could say?
00:14:35.501 --> 00:14:37.637
Can i handle it?
00:14:37.637 --> 00:14:38.971
And i began to do that in other areas of people that i invited
00:14:38.971 --> 00:14:40.940
To mentor me and getting opportunities to mascot for a
00:14:40.940 --> 00:14:44.744
Minor league triple-a baseball team for 3 1/2 seasons.
00:14:44.744 --> 00:14:48.047
People said, "how'd you do it?"
00:14:48.047 --> 00:14:49.415
I just asked and i could handle a no.
00:14:49.415 --> 00:14:51.884
And that has been one of the markers in my life that--
00:14:51.884 --> 00:14:54.954
Kirk: that's really cool.
00:14:54.954 --> 00:14:56.289
J.r.: --doors are opening and opportunities.
00:14:56.289 --> 00:14:57.657
A lot of times people say, "no, kirk, let me be really clear
00:14:57.657 --> 00:14:59.792
About that."
00:14:59.792 --> 00:15:01.160
It's not like everyone says--but--and there are times i
00:15:01.160 --> 00:15:02.895
Can't ask because i say, you know what, i don't think
00:15:02.895 --> 00:15:04.997
I can handle--
00:15:04.997 --> 00:15:06.332
Kirk: i can't handle a no.
00:15:06.332 --> 00:15:07.667
J.r.: and so, i'm not quite emotionally stable enough to
00:15:07.667 --> 00:15:09.535
Handle a no.
00:15:09.535 --> 00:15:10.870
So, that's always been those, just those two questions alone
00:15:10.870 --> 00:15:13.406
Has totally transformed how i engage with opportunities and
00:15:13.406 --> 00:15:18.277
Exciting, exciting events.
00:15:18.277 --> 00:15:21.314
Kirk: in your book, you talk about four levels of questions.
00:15:21.314 --> 00:15:24.050
Unpack that for us.
00:15:24.050 --> 00:15:25.618
J.r.: sure, so level 1 questions are just those easy questions
00:15:25.618 --> 00:15:28.020
Of information.
00:15:28.020 --> 00:15:29.355
You could go up to a stranger and ask, you know, what
00:15:29.355 --> 00:15:30.990
Time does the game start tonight or whatever.
00:15:30.990 --> 00:15:33.326
So, just real simple information, it's not strange if
00:15:33.326 --> 00:15:35.995
You were to ask somebody that.
00:15:35.995 --> 00:15:37.697
Level 2 would be questions for interaction.
00:15:37.697 --> 00:15:40.199
So, i'm just asking, things where you would have to have
00:15:40.199 --> 00:15:43.936
Some sort of context of relationship, level 1, before
00:15:43.936 --> 00:15:47.740
You can go to level 2, and then level 3 would be questions
00:15:47.740 --> 00:15:51.844
For understanding.
00:15:51.844 --> 00:15:53.212
That's where you're getting into the meat of good relationships,
00:15:53.212 --> 00:15:56.882
Hopes and dreams, fears.
00:15:56.882 --> 00:15:58.985
What do you really feel about it?
00:15:58.985 --> 00:16:00.319
Tell me your perspective on this.
00:16:00.319 --> 00:16:01.687
But level 4, that's the deepest part.
00:16:01.687 --> 00:16:03.756
That's where you only have a few people in your life.
00:16:03.756 --> 00:16:06.192
Maybe it's a spouse, or a pastor, or a counselor, or
00:16:06.192 --> 00:16:09.695
Doctor where you could just go really deep on the vulnerable.
00:16:09.695 --> 00:16:13.399
Those are questions for transformation.
00:16:13.399 --> 00:16:15.534
Real vulnerable--vulnerability and intimacy.
00:16:15.534 --> 00:16:18.337
And if we think about it like entering a lake, level 1 is like
00:16:18.337 --> 00:16:21.440
Ankle-deep water.
00:16:21.440 --> 00:16:23.075
Level 2 is waist deep.
00:16:23.075 --> 00:16:24.577
You know, you're feeling it, but you're still pretty sturdy.
00:16:24.577 --> 00:16:26.646
Level 3 up to your chest, but level 4, you're out swimming and
00:16:26.646 --> 00:16:29.882
You can't touch the bottom.
00:16:29.882 --> 00:16:31.384
And so, where we realize--sometimes we're in
00:16:31.384 --> 00:16:35.554
Conversations and we go, whoa, whoa, that's
00:16:35.554 --> 00:16:37.757
A little uncomfortable.
00:16:37.757 --> 00:16:39.091
It's because somebody jumped the level that there wasn't enough
00:16:39.091 --> 00:16:41.827
Trust developed.
00:16:41.827 --> 00:16:43.195
Kirk: you just--you just went full swan dive, bro, and
00:16:43.195 --> 00:16:44.764
Not--now you're like, you're in the deep end.
00:16:44.764 --> 00:16:46.365
J.r.: that's right.
00:16:46.365 --> 00:16:47.700
Kirk: we don't--we don't do--we don't go there yet.
00:16:47.700 --> 00:16:49.168
J.r.: we don't go there yet because we haven't established
00:16:49.168 --> 00:16:50.670
Enough trust and context of relationship to get there.
00:16:50.670 --> 00:16:53.839
And the second thing is sometimes, we'll know someone
00:16:53.839 --> 00:16:55.775
For 30 years and realize, besides the weather and sports,
00:16:55.775 --> 00:16:59.545
I don't really know them.
00:16:59.545 --> 00:17:00.913
It's probably because we've been hanging out at level 1, maybe a
00:17:00.913 --> 00:17:03.683
Little bit of level 2, but we need the wisdom and courage to
00:17:03.683 --> 00:17:06.719
Actually press in to that next step, that next level.
00:17:06.719 --> 00:17:10.256
And we don't have to go deep with everybody, right?
00:17:10.256 --> 00:17:12.525
That's the thing, we're not trying to force everybody into
00:17:12.525 --> 00:17:14.760
Level 4, but it's amazing if we can just draw on our courage to
00:17:14.760 --> 00:17:18.864
Go an extra 10% or 15% more intentional, it's amazing what
00:17:18.864 --> 00:17:22.868
Can happen in the relationship.
00:17:22.868 --> 00:17:24.236
Kirk: and i can see the value of that, particularly in
00:17:24.236 --> 00:17:26.005
Relationships where there is this oneness relationship like
00:17:26.005 --> 00:17:29.642
Marriage, where a man and a woman come together and--and
00:17:29.642 --> 00:17:32.912
Then they're one in body, mind and--and soul.
00:17:32.912 --> 00:17:35.548
And we--we want to go deep there.
00:17:35.548 --> 00:17:38.217
We need a place to feel safe, to be transparent and vulnerable.
00:17:38.217 --> 00:17:44.423
I think we need that with god.
00:17:44.423 --> 00:17:46.258
But like i don't need to go level 4 with you, bro.
00:17:46.258 --> 00:17:48.728
J.r.: right. kirk: right?
00:17:48.728 --> 00:17:50.096
Kirk: that's for my doctor and--
00:17:50.096 --> 00:17:51.464
J. r.: and that's where we need wisdom.
00:17:51.464 --> 00:17:54.133
Kirk: --my spiritual advisor.
00:17:54.133 --> 00:17:55.501
So, is it--is it the goal in your book for people to like go
00:17:55.501 --> 00:17:59.038
To the next level with everybody?
00:17:59.038 --> 00:18:01.374
Or how do you gauge like--well, i only wanna go level 1 with
00:18:01.374 --> 00:18:05.411
You, and if you ask me level 2 or level 3, i'm gonna shut
00:18:05.411 --> 00:18:08.848
You down.
00:18:08.848 --> 00:18:10.182
Is that okay?
00:18:10.182 --> 00:18:11.550
J.r.: yeah, yeah.
00:18:11.550 --> 00:18:12.885
The goal certainly isn't that everyone should be at
00:18:12.885 --> 00:18:14.220
Level 4, no.
00:18:14.220 --> 00:18:15.588
Kirk: okay, good. j.r.: i think that's really--
00:18:15.588 --> 00:18:16.989
Kirk: yeah, i don't want some people at level 4.
00:18:16.989 --> 00:18:18.324
J.r.: exactly, but if we're only at level 1,
00:18:18.324 --> 00:18:19.658
We're not really gonna be known and we're not gonna
00:18:19.658 --> 00:18:21.026
Know other people really well.
00:18:21.026 --> 00:18:22.361
So we need people at all levels.
00:18:22.361 --> 00:18:23.696
Kirk: we're gonna be--we're gonna be pretty ignorant, i
00:18:23.696 --> 00:18:25.531
Think, because if we don't ask questions, we don't learn much.
00:18:25.531 --> 00:18:27.967
J.r.: sure, sure.
00:18:27.967 --> 00:18:29.335
And there are--there are appropriate--you know, some of
00:18:29.335 --> 00:18:31.504
My neighbors i know level 1, which is fine.
00:18:31.504 --> 00:18:33.205
Some of my neighbors i know level 2, which is fine.
00:18:33.205 --> 00:18:36.041
My close friends are all level 3.
00:18:36.041 --> 00:18:38.744
We all have permission to be able to ask level 3 questions.
00:18:38.744 --> 00:18:40.813
So we need wisdom to know where--where do we need to take
00:18:40.813 --> 00:18:44.083
It to the next level.
00:18:44.083 --> 00:18:45.451
The other thing is i could ask you a question.
00:18:45.451 --> 00:18:47.086
You can decide, do you want to keep it at level 1?
00:18:47.086 --> 00:18:50.523
But you may actually say, "this is safe enough with j.r.,
00:18:50.523 --> 00:18:53.526
I wanna go to level 2."
00:18:53.526 --> 00:18:54.860
And so, that's often the gift we give to people is, i open it up
00:18:54.860 --> 00:18:59.598
And invite you, however you feel comfortable to share.
00:18:59.598 --> 00:19:02.701
Just keep it here or to go a little bit deeper.
00:19:02.701 --> 00:19:05.104
Kirk: okay, i don't want to get into any weird questions right
00:19:05.104 --> 00:19:08.240
Here in front of everybody, but i do want you to kind of model
00:19:08.240 --> 00:19:11.677
Some of this so that people can see.
00:19:11.677 --> 00:19:13.579
Now, first of all, what are the four components to a good
00:19:13.579 --> 00:19:17.183
Question that you talk about in your book?
00:19:17.183 --> 00:19:18.551
J.r.: yeah, good question.
00:19:18.551 --> 00:19:19.885
First of all, it's gonna start with curiosity.
00:19:19.885 --> 00:19:21.253
And why else would we ask a question unless we're--
00:19:21.253 --> 00:19:22.955
Kirk: and be genuinely curious, i imagine?
00:19:22.955 --> 00:19:24.590
Not can't just faking this.
00:19:24.590 --> 00:19:26.258
J.r.: right.
00:19:26.258 --> 00:19:27.626
And we can get into tips and tricks and tools, but if we
00:19:27.626 --> 00:19:29.628
Don't genuinely care, then people are gonna figure
00:19:29.628 --> 00:19:32.465
That out.
00:19:32.465 --> 00:19:33.833
Kirk: you're not gonna pass the smell test.
00:19:33.833 --> 00:19:35.167
The people are gonna be like, oh no, you're just the guy who read
00:19:35.167 --> 00:19:37.536
J.r.'s book, right?
00:19:37.536 --> 00:19:38.904
J.r.: so, it's not just tips and tricks, you gotta actually
00:19:38.904 --> 00:19:41.106
Want it.
00:19:41.106 --> 00:19:42.475
I actually need to ask a question, and i genuinely want
00:19:42.475 --> 00:19:44.343
To know.
00:19:44.343 --> 00:19:45.711
So, that's the first thing, curiosity.
00:19:45.711 --> 00:19:47.046
The second thing is, i need a lot of wisdom.
00:19:47.046 --> 00:19:48.714
I could ask 10,000 different questions, but i need to know
00:19:48.714 --> 00:19:52.117
What's the right question to ask at the right time for the
00:19:52.117 --> 00:19:54.587
Right reason.
00:19:54.587 --> 00:19:55.955
Kirk: there's a proverb about that.
00:19:55.955 --> 00:19:57.289
J.r.: so, yeah.
00:19:57.289 --> 00:19:58.657
Kirk: the right question at the right time or the right word
00:19:58.657 --> 00:20:00.259
At the right time is like a diamond in a gold setting,
00:20:00.259 --> 00:20:04.363
Something like that.
00:20:04.363 --> 00:20:05.698
J.r.: yeah, and so, the wisdom to know what to ask and when,
00:20:05.698 --> 00:20:08.400
And what's my motive.
00:20:08.400 --> 00:20:09.735
And then the third is i have to have humility because if there's
00:20:09.735 --> 00:20:14.106
A humility, if i'm asking a question, i don't know the
00:20:14.106 --> 00:20:16.342
Answer, i'm admitting i don't know.
00:20:16.342 --> 00:20:18.477
And then lastly, it requires courage.
00:20:18.477 --> 00:20:20.479
A good question requires courage, so we need all four
00:20:20.479 --> 00:20:24.216
Of those.
00:20:24.216 --> 00:20:25.584
We need curiosity, we need humility, and courage as well
00:20:25.584 --> 00:20:29.889
As wisdom.
00:20:29.889 --> 00:20:31.223
All four of those components are essential to asking
00:20:31.223 --> 00:20:33.359
A good question.
00:20:33.359 --> 00:20:34.693
Kirk: j.r, i would love for you to model asking me
00:20:34.693 --> 00:20:38.464
A good question.
00:20:38.464 --> 00:20:39.798
People ask me questions all the time in interviews, but you're
00:20:39.798 --> 00:20:41.600
The guy with better questions.
00:20:41.600 --> 00:20:43.536
So, what--what's something that you might be curious about?
00:20:43.536 --> 00:20:46.705
J.r.: yeah, well, let's take the show, "takeaways."
00:20:46.705 --> 00:20:48.173
I mean, you've been--you've been interviewing lots of people,
00:20:48.173 --> 00:20:50.676
Lots of wise people over a long period of time.
00:20:50.676 --> 00:20:53.612
What have you learned as you've asked questions and listened to
00:20:53.612 --> 00:20:56.615
People's responses?
00:20:56.615 --> 00:20:57.983
Is there--it could be a little nugget here or there, or just
00:20:57.983 --> 00:21:00.419
Over a period of time, some things you picked up.
00:21:00.419 --> 00:21:02.521
How are you different?
00:21:02.521 --> 00:21:04.156
Because you've been asking questions on this show.
00:21:04.156 --> 00:21:07.693
Kirk: that--i love that question because sometimes the things
00:21:07.693 --> 00:21:11.830
That i think about in the privacy of my own mind are
00:21:11.830 --> 00:21:14.567
Things i don't get to ever talk about because people don't ask
00:21:14.567 --> 00:21:16.936
Me, but one of them is in a culture that is prone to make us
00:21:16.936 --> 00:21:20.706
Depressed and despondent.
00:21:20.706 --> 00:21:23.309
Because of this show, i'm meeting astronauts, and
00:21:23.309 --> 00:21:26.011
Scientists, and educators, and politicians, and pastors, and
00:21:26.011 --> 00:21:30.215
Health relationship experts, and they're doing such good work
00:21:30.215 --> 00:21:32.751
That it actually gives me hope that the--that the family of
00:21:32.751 --> 00:21:36.455
Faith, the body of christ is actually alive and well on the
00:21:36.455 --> 00:21:39.725
Earth with good theology, and really loving god and people,
00:21:39.725 --> 00:21:44.129
And like, oh, god hasn't thrown in the towel.
00:21:44.129 --> 00:21:48.367
Revivals around the corner.
00:21:48.367 --> 00:21:50.336
That's something that i've learned.
00:21:50.336 --> 00:21:51.704
J.r.: so, it's given you hope.
00:21:51.704 --> 00:21:53.038
Kirk: it has given me hope.
00:21:53.038 --> 00:21:54.406
J.r.: that's fantastic.
00:21:54.406 --> 00:21:55.741
Kirk: and there was something else, but i can't remember.
00:21:55.741 --> 00:21:58.210
J.r.: can i ask you another one?
00:21:58.210 --> 00:21:59.545
I guess i just did.
00:21:59.545 --> 00:22:01.146
Maybe i can ask to follow up on that.
00:22:01.146 --> 00:22:02.815
So, you know, obviously, you know, you've had quite a career.
00:22:02.815 --> 00:22:07.987
What--where do you sometimes sense you're misunderstood?
00:22:07.987 --> 00:22:15.327
Kirk: sometimes people misunderstand me to be like the
00:22:15.327 --> 00:22:22.534
Phony fake politicians or spiritual leaders who are trying
00:22:22.534 --> 00:22:27.306
To project that they know everything so that they will
00:22:27.306 --> 00:22:30.576
Have credibility, authority, and influence.
00:22:30.576 --> 00:22:33.412
I'm not trying to do that.
00:22:33.412 --> 00:22:35.080
I'm genuinely curious and i want to be a student of guys
00:22:35.080 --> 00:22:39.718
Like you.
00:22:39.718 --> 00:22:41.086
I want to learn things from people who know more than i do
00:22:41.086 --> 00:22:44.523
Because i'm blown away by the world that god has made, and i
00:22:44.523 --> 00:22:47.526
Want to understand it better.
00:22:47.526 --> 00:22:48.861
And then i like to share with people what i've learned.
00:22:48.861 --> 00:22:50.462
Hey, you're never gonna guess what actually is on a hill in
00:22:50.462 --> 00:22:54.133
Plymouth, massachusetts, hidden in a forest of trees that nobody
00:22:54.133 --> 00:22:57.803
Knows about.
00:22:57.803 --> 00:22:59.138
It's the coolest thing ever, and it's the largest statue
00:22:59.138 --> 00:23:02.241
In america.
00:23:02.241 --> 00:23:03.575
J.r.: is that right?
00:23:03.575 --> 00:23:04.943
Kirk: and no one even knows of it.
00:23:04.943 --> 00:23:06.278
Have you ever heard of the national monument to
00:23:06.278 --> 00:23:07.713
The forefathers?
00:23:07.713 --> 00:23:09.081
J.r.: nope.
00:23:09.081 --> 00:23:10.416
Kirk: it spells out a biblical worldview on how to build
00:23:10.416 --> 00:23:11.884
A country under the word of god and sustain it for thousands of
00:23:11.884 --> 00:23:15.454
Generations, and we completely overlooked it.
00:23:15.454 --> 00:23:17.923
J.r.: so, you're obviously curious, which is wonderful.
00:23:17.923 --> 00:23:21.326
Kirk: that's--yeah, yeah, that's what people
00:23:21.326 --> 00:23:23.929
Misunderstand.
00:23:23.929 --> 00:23:25.297
So, when i say stuff about god or about family, i'm not trying
00:23:25.297 --> 00:23:29.635
To come off like i'm the expert.
00:23:29.635 --> 00:23:32.871
I am trying to figure this out and stumble my way through as i
00:23:32.871 --> 00:23:37.776
Learn alongside you.
00:23:37.776 --> 00:23:39.878
Well, j.r., i love this.
00:23:39.878 --> 00:23:41.313
Thank you for asking such good questions, and i can't wait for
00:23:41.313 --> 00:23:44.950
People to get a hold of the art of asking better questions so
00:23:44.950 --> 00:23:48.487
That they can begin to incorporate this into their life
00:23:48.487 --> 00:23:50.789
And deepen their relationships.
00:23:50.789 --> 00:23:53.025
Thanks so much.
00:23:53.025 --> 00:23:54.393
J.r.: hey, thanks for having me.
00:23:54.393 --> 00:23:55.728
Kirk: coming up after the break, debra fileta joins us to share
00:23:55.728 --> 00:23:58.697
Ways to strengthen our relationships and our social
00:23:58.697 --> 00:24:01.333
Skills to create meaningful interactions, so don't go away.
00:24:01.333 --> 00:24:08.874
♪♪♪
00:24:09.876 --> 00:24:16.949
Kirk: it's so great to have my first guest back with us today.
00:24:16.949 --> 00:24:20.586
Debra fileta is a licensed professional counselor.
00:24:20.586 --> 00:24:23.189
She's a national speaker and author of multiple books,
00:24:23.189 --> 00:24:26.359
Including this one that is very much needed in our society
00:24:26.359 --> 00:24:30.630
Today, "people skills."
00:24:30.630 --> 00:24:32.165
Your relationships are only as strong as your skills.
00:24:32.165 --> 00:24:35.601
Deborah, thanks so much for coming back on "takeaways."
00:24:35.601 --> 00:24:37.870
Debra: it's always so good to be here with you, kirk.
00:24:37.870 --> 00:24:40.373
Kirk: i always enjoy our conversations.
00:24:40.373 --> 00:24:41.741
I always take your books home for my wife.
00:24:41.741 --> 00:24:43.576
I always am just thinking about how to take better care of our
00:24:43.576 --> 00:24:48.581
Soul, how to communicate and connect with people better, and
00:24:48.581 --> 00:24:53.152
This book is great because as you were sharing with me, it's
00:24:53.152 --> 00:24:57.023
Really about some of the fundamentals and the basics, the
00:24:57.023 --> 00:24:59.525
Low hanging fruit, as you said.
00:24:59.525 --> 00:25:00.893
What do you mean by that?
00:25:00.893 --> 00:25:02.228
Debra: yeah, you know, we live in a day where i think most of
00:25:02.228 --> 00:25:05.631
Us would say we have good intentions, but intentions don't
00:25:05.631 --> 00:25:10.470
Always translate to skills, you know.
00:25:10.470 --> 00:25:13.139
I work with a lot of couples, i work with a lot of families, and
00:25:13.139 --> 00:25:16.943
You might have all the love deep inside of you, but it's not
00:25:16.943 --> 00:25:20.913
Being conveyed to the people that you love the most because
00:25:20.913 --> 00:25:25.151
You're lacking in skills.
00:25:25.151 --> 00:25:27.420
And you would think that these skills would be things that we
00:25:27.420 --> 00:25:30.523
Would just learn automatically or know internally but we don't,
00:25:30.523 --> 00:25:34.427
They're things we have to be taught.
00:25:34.427 --> 00:25:37.129
Sometimes we learn things from our family of origin that we
00:25:37.129 --> 00:25:39.665
Have to unlearn.
00:25:39.665 --> 00:25:41.200
And so really, that's what this is all about is learning some
00:25:41.200 --> 00:25:44.203
Skills so that we can convey god's love and not convolute
00:25:44.203 --> 00:25:49.108
God's love.
00:25:49.108 --> 00:25:50.476
And i think that's a really important thing for us
00:25:50.476 --> 00:25:51.811
To remember.
00:25:51.811 --> 00:25:53.179
Kirk: what are some of the basic skills needed for
00:25:53.179 --> 00:25:55.414
Healthy relationships?
00:25:55.414 --> 00:25:57.316
Debra: communication, forgiveness, listening, empathy,
00:25:57.316 --> 00:26:01.954
Vulnerability, conversations skills, even body language, and
00:26:01.954 --> 00:26:07.693
Sometimes we don't think about those things or we
00:26:07.693 --> 00:26:10.763
Overspiritualize things so that some of these basic skills get
00:26:10.763 --> 00:26:16.335
Missed or ignored in the context of how we do relationships.
00:26:16.335 --> 00:26:20.740
So, i think there's a lot for us to learn.
00:26:20.740 --> 00:26:23.009
There's a verse in 1 corinthians 9 where paul says, "i have
00:26:23.009 --> 00:26:28.881
Become all things to all people so that by any means possible,
00:26:28.881 --> 00:26:34.253
Some might be saved."
00:26:34.253 --> 00:26:35.755
I wanna do everything i can basically.
00:26:35.755 --> 00:26:37.857
I wanna become what i need to become in the context of
00:26:37.857 --> 00:26:41.561
Relationships so that i can bring more people to jesus.
00:26:41.561 --> 00:26:45.665
And learning people skills isn't just for our good, you know,
00:26:45.665 --> 00:26:49.035
This isn't just about having more influence, and being more
00:26:49.035 --> 00:26:52.872
Successful, and getting more people to like you, this is
00:26:52.872 --> 00:26:56.509
About being able to convey god's love to the best of our ability.
00:26:56.509 --> 00:27:00.513
Kirk: so, do you have to be an expert in these skills in order
00:27:00.513 --> 00:27:04.884
To have healthy relationships, or can we just learn one skill
00:27:04.884 --> 00:27:10.423
At a time and take baby steps?
00:27:10.423 --> 00:27:11.991
Debra: we're all a work in progress.
00:27:11.991 --> 00:27:14.460
I think it's not about being an expert, but it is about being
00:27:14.460 --> 00:27:18.097
Intentional, and not to just make excuses for our intentions,
00:27:18.097 --> 00:27:24.870
You know.
00:27:24.870 --> 00:27:26.205
We can all make excuses, "well, that's not what i intended,' but
00:27:26.205 --> 00:27:28.507
It's not just about our intentions, it's about taking
00:27:28.507 --> 00:27:31.077
Ownership of how we actually show up in relationships.
00:27:31.077 --> 00:27:33.713
And these days, we don't have to show up in relationships if we
00:27:33.713 --> 00:27:38.150
Don't want to.
00:27:38.150 --> 00:27:39.485
I mean, we live in a world where technology has saturated
00:27:39.485 --> 00:27:44.056
Our culture.
00:27:44.056 --> 00:27:45.391
Most teenagers are in front of their screens so much longer
00:27:45.391 --> 00:27:48.828
Than, you know, a decade ago.
00:27:48.828 --> 00:27:51.030
And think about it, if you want groceries where you used to have
00:27:51.030 --> 00:27:54.533
To go to the grocery store to interact with someone and get
00:27:54.533 --> 00:27:57.903
Your groceries, you can just, with a click of a button, leave
00:27:57.903 --> 00:28:00.272
It at my front door and i don't even want to talk to anybody,
00:28:00.272 --> 00:28:02.842
You know.
00:28:02.842 --> 00:28:04.210
Where you used to have to go to the library to research
00:28:04.210 --> 00:28:05.911
Something, you can now go to google.
00:28:05.911 --> 00:28:07.647
We--we've outsourced human interactions and in that, we've
00:28:07.647 --> 00:28:12.485
Lost some of the skill that you would naturally gain by trial
00:28:12.485 --> 00:28:17.590
And error.
00:28:17.590 --> 00:28:18.924
And so, i think we live in a generation where we are not as
00:28:18.924 --> 00:28:23.295
Good as this culturally as we once were.
00:28:23.295 --> 00:28:26.365
And on top of it, the enemy wants to come and steal, kill,
00:28:26.365 --> 00:28:29.468
And destroy.
00:28:29.468 --> 00:28:32.004
So, when you put those two things together, we're in a
00:28:32.004 --> 00:28:35.207
Place where i hope that most of us are ready and willing to say,
00:28:35.207 --> 00:28:39.745
"i--if i can have more skill in this area, i want it."
00:28:39.745 --> 00:28:43.816
Kirk: that really explains why so many young people today just
00:28:43.816 --> 00:28:47.987
Seem to be so like stunted in this area of communicating
00:28:47.987 --> 00:28:52.892
With people.
00:28:52.892 --> 00:28:54.226
They don't look you in the eye when they talk to you.
00:28:54.226 --> 00:28:55.828
They're looking at their phone while they're sitting at the
00:28:55.828 --> 00:28:57.530
Same table with other people, but it's critical that we have
00:28:57.530 --> 00:29:01.367
These kind of people skills because what are you gonna do
00:29:01.367 --> 00:29:03.102
When you get into a marriage and you have some conflict?
00:29:03.102 --> 00:29:05.771
You're gonna text your wife?
00:29:05.771 --> 00:29:07.106
You're gonna text your husband?
00:29:07.106 --> 00:29:08.474
You've got to be able to talk with them and so much is said
00:29:08.474 --> 00:29:12.211
With your eyes, you mentioned body language.
00:29:12.211 --> 00:29:14.714
If i'm just sitting here like this the whole time--
00:29:14.714 --> 00:29:16.949
Debra: it speaks a lot.
00:29:16.949 --> 00:29:18.317
Kirk: yeah. debra: it really does.
00:29:18.317 --> 00:29:20.686
Kirk: so, we've got to learn that.
00:29:20.686 --> 00:29:22.421
And i love that you are able to look to the scriptures for
00:29:22.421 --> 00:29:26.625
Examples and for principles.
00:29:26.625 --> 00:29:28.327
What can we learn about people skills by looking at jesus?
00:29:28.327 --> 00:29:32.031
Debra: it's so amazing because, you know, most of my books are
00:29:32.031 --> 00:29:35.301
Rooted in counseling and psychology principles, but
00:29:35.301 --> 00:29:38.337
Because i am a faith-forward counselor, i'm always looking to
00:29:38.337 --> 00:29:42.608
God's word primarily.
00:29:42.608 --> 00:29:44.543
And i just fall in love with jesus even more as i study the
00:29:44.543 --> 00:29:50.015
Way that he did relationships, you know, as you look at jesus
00:29:50.015 --> 00:29:54.520
Through the lens of people skills, he was really good at
00:29:54.520 --> 00:29:58.791
Drawing people in, at looking them in the eye, at making time
00:29:58.791 --> 00:30:02.828
For them, at asking really good questions.
00:30:02.828 --> 00:30:06.031
Do you know jesus asked 307 questions in scripture?
00:30:06.031 --> 00:30:11.570
That's a lot of questions, and most of them open-ended
00:30:11.570 --> 00:30:14.707
Questions, not just yes or no questions.
00:30:14.707 --> 00:30:18.210
And so, i think we can learn a lot about the way that jesus
00:30:18.210 --> 00:30:22.448
Engaged with people and it wasn't just superficial, you
00:30:22.448 --> 00:30:25.885
Know, he took people deeper, he invited them deeper, and i think
00:30:25.885 --> 00:30:31.023
I like the word invitation.
00:30:31.023 --> 00:30:34.026
Jesus invites us into deeper relationships.
00:30:34.026 --> 00:30:37.863
He doesn't force us into deeper relationships and i think it
00:30:37.863 --> 00:30:41.467
Goes the same with us, with koinonia, with the community
00:30:41.467 --> 00:30:46.806
That god has placed us in with our families, with our marriage,
00:30:46.806 --> 00:30:49.809
We're invited to go deeper.
00:30:49.809 --> 00:30:52.044
Kirk: debra, in your book and in your counseling sessions, you
00:30:52.044 --> 00:30:56.081
Say to couples, it's often not a deficit of love but a deficit
00:30:56.081 --> 00:31:00.085
Of skill.
00:31:00.085 --> 00:31:01.687
So, is it possible to actually love this person, not hate them,
00:31:01.687 --> 00:31:06.692
But constantly be getting into fights and arguments?
00:31:06.692 --> 00:31:09.361
Debra: that's what i see all the time.
00:31:09.361 --> 00:31:11.564
In counseling, there's often two people, especially in marriage
00:31:11.564 --> 00:31:15.534
Counseling or in family counseling, who really love each
00:31:15.534 --> 00:31:19.038
Other, but they are butting heads, they are
00:31:19.038 --> 00:31:21.941
Miscommunicating, they are missing each other because of
00:31:21.941 --> 00:31:25.678
Their communication skills.
00:31:25.678 --> 00:31:27.046
I worked with a couple who the wife didn't realize how she was
00:31:27.046 --> 00:31:30.583
Presenting, you know, she looked like she was annoyed most of the
00:31:30.583 --> 00:31:34.553
Time, but she really wasn't.
00:31:34.553 --> 00:31:36.755
And so, the husband was like, "i'm having a hard time
00:31:36.755 --> 00:31:39.091
Reading her.
00:31:39.091 --> 00:31:40.426
She always seems upset with me," but it was as basic as learning
00:31:40.426 --> 00:31:43.562
The skill of awareness.
00:31:43.562 --> 00:31:45.130
I mean, how often do you look in a mirror and practice your
00:31:45.130 --> 00:31:49.034
Emotional expressions?
00:31:49.034 --> 00:31:50.736
Like, people aren't aware.
00:31:50.736 --> 00:31:52.104
Kirk: never.
00:31:52.104 --> 00:31:53.505
I don't know that--well, i do that as an actor because i have
00:31:53.505 --> 00:31:55.374
To look and see, right?
00:31:55.374 --> 00:31:56.709
Like, do i look like i'm sad? do i look like i'm happy?
00:31:56.709 --> 00:31:58.878
Debra: exactly, but outside of the context of acting, people
00:31:58.878 --> 00:32:02.414
Don't do that.
00:32:02.414 --> 00:32:03.749
And we don't often give feedback to one another like, "hey, do
00:32:03.749 --> 00:32:06.685
You know you're coming across this way or you know you're
00:32:06.685 --> 00:32:08.621
Coming across that way?"
00:32:08.621 --> 00:32:09.989
Unless we're really close to someone and we love them.
00:32:09.989 --> 00:32:12.324
And i hope that this book is an invitation to give and receive
00:32:12.324 --> 00:32:17.997
Some feedback, to give you a little bit of a plumb line of,
00:32:17.997 --> 00:32:21.033
"hm, how am i coming across on a day to day basis?"
00:32:21.033 --> 00:32:25.638
Kirk: you also mentioned in your book, how easy it is for us to
00:32:25.638 --> 00:32:28.540
Notice flaws in other people before we notice them
00:32:28.540 --> 00:32:31.543
In ourselves.
00:32:31.543 --> 00:32:33.612
Why is that an important perspective shift to take the
00:32:33.612 --> 00:32:38.050
Log out of our own eye before we start pointing out the spec and
00:32:38.050 --> 00:32:41.453
Confronting others?
00:32:41.453 --> 00:32:42.821
Debra: yeah, we often think of others' deficits before we think
00:32:42.821 --> 00:32:47.793
Of our own because it's easier to blame than take ownership.
00:32:47.793 --> 00:32:51.430
I mean, that is just the tragedy of being a human.
00:32:51.430 --> 00:32:54.433
It is so much easier to look out and blame.
00:32:54.433 --> 00:32:56.802
From the beginning of time, from the book of genesis, you know,
00:32:56.802 --> 00:33:00.105
It was easier to blame than take ownership, but if we really want
00:33:00.105 --> 00:33:04.376
To change, if we really want to transform and heal, if we really
00:33:04.376 --> 00:33:07.613
Want jesus to take us into the process of becoming better
00:33:07.613 --> 00:33:11.050
People, the process of sanctification, it starts by
00:33:11.050 --> 00:33:14.186
Looking in.
00:33:14.186 --> 00:33:15.788
Oftentimes when i write a book, i write a lot of books and i'm
00:33:15.788 --> 00:33:18.524
Always in the process of writing a book.
00:33:18.524 --> 00:33:20.092
So people will ask me, "what are you writing about these days?'
00:33:20.092 --> 00:33:23.329
And something really interesting happened when i would say, i'm
00:33:23.329 --> 00:33:25.497
Writing about people skills.
00:33:25.497 --> 00:33:27.166
Most people would say, "oh, i know someone who could use
00:33:27.166 --> 00:33:30.903
That book."
00:33:30.903 --> 00:33:32.705
But what i really want to hear is, there's some areas in my
00:33:32.705 --> 00:33:37.309
Life where i need some of those skills.
00:33:37.309 --> 00:33:40.346
But it's interesting how quick we are to think about others who
00:33:40.346 --> 00:33:44.116
Might need it or this culture needs it, this generation needs
00:33:44.116 --> 00:33:47.753
It, but really each of us as individuals needs some tweaking,
00:33:47.753 --> 00:33:54.193
Some changes, so that we can become more effective in how we
00:33:54.193 --> 00:33:57.896
Do relationships.
00:33:57.896 --> 00:33:59.431
Kirk: and who doesn't want better, stronger, more
00:33:59.431 --> 00:34:01.533
Fulfilled relationships?
00:34:01.533 --> 00:34:03.335
You talk with so many couples as a professional counselor, is
00:34:03.335 --> 00:34:05.704
There one people skill that you found most people struggle with?
00:34:05.704 --> 00:34:12.311
Debra: yeah, there's a lot, but i'll tell you one that comes up
00:34:12.311 --> 00:34:15.381
Often, it's different levels of conversation.
00:34:15.381 --> 00:34:20.652
Most people think, "oh, i'm a great conversationalist," you
00:34:20.652 --> 00:34:24.089
Know, "i can hold a conversation," but they don't
00:34:24.089 --> 00:34:26.992
Realize that there's different levels of depth in conversation.
00:34:26.992 --> 00:34:31.163
So, level 1 would be the facts, you know, we could talk about
00:34:31.163 --> 00:34:34.633
The snow that's coming, we could talk about the game from last
00:34:34.633 --> 00:34:37.703
Night, we could talk about who's president, we could talk
00:34:37.703 --> 00:34:40.272
About--there's so many factual things we could talk about that
00:34:40.272 --> 00:34:43.142
Keep our conversation going, but it's not intimate because it
00:34:43.142 --> 00:34:47.379
Doesn't offer some of me.
00:34:47.379 --> 00:34:50.115
Whereas level 2 goes a little bit deeper, it offers my ideas
00:34:50.115 --> 00:34:53.452
And opinions.
00:34:53.452 --> 00:34:54.820
Now i have to attach my personal beliefs to what i'm saying.
00:34:54.820 --> 00:34:58.857
This is what i think about the game, and this is my favorite
00:34:58.857 --> 00:35:02.594
Team, and this is what i like and i don't like,
00:35:02.594 --> 00:35:04.830
That's level 2.
00:35:04.830 --> 00:35:06.165
It takes you a little bit deeper.
00:35:06.165 --> 00:35:07.499
Kirk: and that exposes you a little bit more--
00:35:07.499 --> 00:35:09.401
Debra: exactly.
00:35:09.401 --> 00:35:10.736
Kirk: --to criticism if they disagree with you.
00:35:10.736 --> 00:35:12.237
Debra: exactly.
00:35:12.237 --> 00:35:13.572
Kirk: they can't argue about snow is coming.
00:35:13.572 --> 00:35:14.940
Debra: exactly.
00:35:14.940 --> 00:35:16.275
It's a little bit riskier because it's a little bit
00:35:16.275 --> 00:35:17.643
More of who you are.
00:35:17.643 --> 00:35:18.977
And then there's level 3, which is even more vulnerable.
00:35:18.977 --> 00:35:22.114
Puts you more at risk because you're talking about
00:35:22.114 --> 00:35:24.750
Your feelings.
00:35:24.750 --> 00:35:26.585
I'm feeling hurt.
00:35:26.585 --> 00:35:28.420
I'm frustrated.
00:35:28.420 --> 00:35:29.788
I'm sad.
00:35:29.788 --> 00:35:31.123
I'm struggling with feelings of rejection and it takes a lot
00:35:31.123 --> 00:35:35.461
More for us to go down there.
00:35:35.461 --> 00:35:37.129
It's easier to say, "well, you did this to me," as an opinion
00:35:37.129 --> 00:35:41.433
Rather than, "i feel really hurt.
00:35:41.433 --> 00:35:44.703
I feel really abandoned in this moment.
00:35:44.703 --> 00:35:47.106
These are my feelings."
00:35:47.106 --> 00:35:48.640
And, you know, something as basic as in marriage, it can be
00:35:48.640 --> 00:35:52.010
Hard for people to go there because they're not used to
00:35:52.010 --> 00:35:54.780
Going there.
00:35:54.780 --> 00:35:56.115
They'll say, "well, i grew up in a family where we stayed in
00:35:56.115 --> 00:35:57.916
Level 1 and maybe dipped in level 2, but we didn't go into
00:35:57.916 --> 00:36:00.986
Level 3 territory."
00:36:00.986 --> 00:36:02.321
And so, it's something that has to be learned and practiced in
00:36:02.321 --> 00:36:05.924
Order for us to get it right.
00:36:05.924 --> 00:36:09.862
Kirk: there's so much that i wanna talk with you about,
00:36:09.862 --> 00:36:12.397
Underrated people skills, powerful tools to transform
00:36:12.397 --> 00:36:16.802
Relationships, but we're gonna go away for a break, and when we
00:36:16.802 --> 00:36:20.906
Come back, debra's gonna share more on ways that we can connect
00:36:20.906 --> 00:36:23.876
With others and the importance of being a good listener.
00:36:23.876 --> 00:36:28.080
So, don't go away.
00:36:28.080 --> 00:36:32.851
♪♪♪
00:36:33.170 --> 00:36:40.177
Kirk: welcome back.
00:36:40.177 --> 00:36:41.545
Do you struggle with showing vulnerability and communicating
00:36:41.545 --> 00:36:45.048
Well with others?
00:36:45.048 --> 00:36:46.416
All right, we're talking with professional counselor and
00:36:46.416 --> 00:36:48.585
Author, debra fileta, about her latest book called "people
00:36:48.585 --> 00:36:52.756
Skills" and the ways to improve our relationships.
00:36:52.756 --> 00:36:55.859
Okay, let's talk about the importance of listening.
00:36:55.859 --> 00:36:58.829
I think you say that listening is so crucial that it's 50%
00:36:58.829 --> 00:37:04.201
Of communication.
00:37:04.201 --> 00:37:05.569
It seems like listening is not communicating.
00:37:05.569 --> 00:37:07.905
You're letting the other person communicate.
00:37:07.905 --> 00:37:09.373
Debra: right. kirk: what do you say?
00:37:09.373 --> 00:37:11.074
Debra: well, if you think about the equation of our
00:37:11.074 --> 00:37:13.477
Conversation, you're giving 50%, i'm giving 50%.
00:37:13.477 --> 00:37:17.981
But if i miss your 50%, i've only heard 50% of my own, and
00:37:17.981 --> 00:37:24.888
That's still a failing grade, you know, i've missed the whole
00:37:24.888 --> 00:37:28.458
Conversation essentially if i don't capture and receive what
00:37:28.458 --> 00:37:33.430
You're saying.
00:37:33.430 --> 00:37:34.798
And it's interesting because i can hear what you're saying, but
00:37:34.798 --> 00:37:38.402
Not necessarily receive it.
00:37:38.402 --> 00:37:40.837
I know that we do this all the time because i remember having a
00:37:40.837 --> 00:37:44.107
Conversation with someone and i tried so hard to remember
00:37:44.107 --> 00:37:46.443
Their name.
00:37:46.443 --> 00:37:47.811
I'm like, i'm gonna do this, i'm not gonna forget their name
00:37:47.811 --> 00:37:49.746
Because he said to me at the beginning of the conversation,
00:37:49.746 --> 00:37:51.648
One of my neighbors, "you're probably gonna forget my name,
00:37:51.648 --> 00:37:53.817
But it's--"
00:37:53.817 --> 00:37:55.152
So, i thought, i'm not gonna forget it.
00:37:55.152 --> 00:37:56.987
And sure enough, by the end of the conversation, it had slipped
00:37:56.987 --> 00:37:59.723
My mind.
00:37:59.723 --> 00:38:01.091
And it just goes to show you how easy it is to hear what someone
00:38:01.091 --> 00:38:04.962
Is saying but not receive it and not process it.
00:38:04.962 --> 00:38:07.864
And so, there's steps to listening well, and i think part
00:38:07.864 --> 00:38:11.268
Of it is clearing your mind.
00:38:11.268 --> 00:38:13.470
Oftentimes, our thought is, "what am i going to say next?"
00:38:13.470 --> 00:38:16.873
And so, we miss what's being said.
00:38:16.873 --> 00:38:19.743
We miss receiving it, and so, i think it's really important for
00:38:19.743 --> 00:38:24.147
Us to think about what they're saying, not just what
00:38:24.147 --> 00:38:28.252
We're saying.
00:38:28.252 --> 00:38:29.620
And also, to have a heart of humility.
00:38:29.620 --> 00:38:31.955
If i really believe that you are important and that what you're
00:38:31.955 --> 00:38:37.327
Saying to me matters, i'm gonna be more engaged, i'm gonna be
00:38:37.327 --> 00:38:41.498
A better listener.
00:38:41.498 --> 00:38:43.066
And then there's things that are super practical like attention,
00:38:43.066 --> 00:38:46.837
You know, if i'm in a room and there's so much going on, or at
00:38:46.837 --> 00:38:49.706
A restaurant where tvs are everywhere, or i walk in a room
00:38:49.706 --> 00:38:52.509
And there's music, and tvs, and noise.
00:38:52.509 --> 00:38:56.013
I'm not going to be a good listener.
00:38:56.013 --> 00:38:58.282
So, part of listening is practical and it's shutting down
00:38:58.282 --> 00:39:03.120
Distractions, getting yourself in a place where you have the
00:39:03.120 --> 00:39:07.090
Bandwidth to listen.
00:39:07.090 --> 00:39:08.425
That's like the number 1 marriage skill right there.
00:39:08.425 --> 00:39:10.794
If you need to have an important conversation, you need to get
00:39:10.794 --> 00:39:14.131
Away and make space for it.
00:39:14.131 --> 00:39:16.033
Not all kids are around, tvs are on in the background.
00:39:16.033 --> 00:39:19.069
Kirk: shut off the phone.
00:39:19.069 --> 00:39:20.404
Debra: exactly, and that's part of how you welcome what someone
00:39:20.404 --> 00:39:24.708
Else is trying to say.
00:39:24.708 --> 00:39:26.043
The other thing i would mention about listening is active
00:39:26.043 --> 00:39:28.445
Listening, you know, nodding your head, showing them that
00:39:28.445 --> 00:39:31.348
You're paying attention, engaging with the content, not
00:39:31.348 --> 00:39:35.218
Only helps you receive it and remember it, but it also helps
00:39:35.218 --> 00:39:39.056
The other person believe and feel like you're really
00:39:39.056 --> 00:39:42.359
Listening to them.
00:39:42.359 --> 00:39:43.727
Kirk: how am i doing?
00:39:43.727 --> 00:39:45.062
Debra: you're doing great.
00:39:45.062 --> 00:39:46.430
Kirk: am i listening?
00:39:46.430 --> 00:39:47.764
Debra: yeah, i can tell you had some practice with
00:39:47.764 --> 00:39:49.132
With people skills.
00:39:49.132 --> 00:39:50.467
Kirk: well, it's easy with you because this is so fascinating.
00:39:50.467 --> 00:39:52.169
I'm genuinely interested in this and i know that when i'm talking
00:39:52.169 --> 00:39:56.173
With somebody that i care about, it could be one of my kids, it
00:39:56.173 --> 00:39:58.041
Could be my wife, it could be a friend.
00:39:58.041 --> 00:40:01.311
If--especially if i'm trying to work through a problem or like,
00:40:01.311 --> 00:40:06.016
Solve something,
00:40:06.016 --> 00:40:08.185
Half the battle for me is knowing that they hear me, and
00:40:08.185 --> 00:40:12.589
They understand what i'm saying, and they don't think i'm crazy,
00:40:12.589 --> 00:40:15.525
Even if they say zero in response.
00:40:15.525 --> 00:40:19.663
I can feel 80% better and be able to think more clearly and
00:40:19.663 --> 00:40:24.401
Solve the problem myself if i just know somebody i care about
00:40:24.401 --> 00:40:28.605
And respect doesn't think i'm crazy and can say, "i hear you
00:40:28.605 --> 00:40:33.543
And that makes sense."
00:40:33.543 --> 00:40:34.911
Debra: yeah, if someone can validate what you're saying.
00:40:34.911 --> 00:40:36.847
Kirk: with nothing else.
00:40:36.847 --> 00:40:38.181
Debra: you'll find this really interesting, but one of the
00:40:38.181 --> 00:40:40.584
Number 1 marriage skills that we teach in counseling
00:40:40.584 --> 00:40:44.888
Is validation.
00:40:44.888 --> 00:40:46.490
And when you're having an argument or a disagreement, just
00:40:46.490 --> 00:40:49.493
A simple validation of, i see why you might feel that way.
00:40:49.493 --> 00:40:55.198
I see--i hear you.
00:40:55.198 --> 00:40:57.534
Without even coming up with a solution to the conflict, that
00:40:57.534 --> 00:41:01.371
Validation can be enough over 90% of the time to dissipate the
00:41:01.371 --> 00:41:07.010
Entire conflict.
00:41:07.010 --> 00:41:08.879
So, it's a really important skill to just be able to receive
00:41:08.879 --> 00:41:11.715
What someone's saying.
00:41:11.715 --> 00:41:13.083
You don't even have to necessarily agree with what
00:41:13.083 --> 00:41:16.019
They're saying to be able to hear it and receive it.
00:41:16.019 --> 00:41:20.657
Kirk: and then i think the trick is to not just superficially
00:41:20.657 --> 00:41:24.995
Learn these skills and go, i see you, i hear you.
00:41:24.995 --> 00:41:28.598
That's right, i can see why you feel that way.
00:41:28.598 --> 00:41:30.901
You've gotta actually care about the person because they'll know
00:41:30.901 --> 00:41:33.837
That too.
00:41:33.837 --> 00:41:35.205
Debra: yeah, this isn't just a hack, you know, to get people to
00:41:35.205 --> 00:41:37.974
Like you.
00:41:37.974 --> 00:41:39.309
This isn't just a hack to become more influential or to avoid
00:41:39.309 --> 00:41:41.978
Conflict, these are things that need to be genuine from inside
00:41:41.978 --> 00:41:46.783
Of our hearts, authentically coming from us.
00:41:46.783 --> 00:41:49.786
When jesus met with people, he met with them from a place of
00:41:49.786 --> 00:41:54.357
Compassion, i have a passion towards this person.
00:41:54.357 --> 00:41:59.429
I have an empathy and an understanding.
00:41:59.429 --> 00:42:01.798
I value them.
00:42:01.798 --> 00:42:03.467
And if we could have that level of humility and love for the
00:42:03.467 --> 00:42:08.605
People around us, i think it would really affect how we then
00:42:08.605 --> 00:42:12.742
Choose to come across.
00:42:12.742 --> 00:42:15.011
Kirk: for people who are struggling with showing
00:42:15.011 --> 00:42:17.414
Vulnerability, what are some practical steps that they could
00:42:17.414 --> 00:42:21.785
Take to be more vulnerable with their spouse, with their
00:42:21.785 --> 00:42:27.491
Parents, with friends?
00:42:27.491 --> 00:42:29.860
Debra: you know, the first step in vulnerability is identifying
00:42:29.860 --> 00:42:34.064
Your feelings and then expressing those feelings.
00:42:34.064 --> 00:42:37.334
And the interesting thing about feelings, and i see this a lot
00:42:37.334 --> 00:42:41.004
In counseling, someone will start a sentence with, "i feel,"
00:42:41.004 --> 00:42:45.375
But then they'll tell you what they think.
00:42:45.375 --> 00:42:47.577
"i feel like you did that intentionally to hurt me."
00:42:47.577 --> 00:42:52.082
That's not a feeling, that is a belief, that's an opinion.
00:42:52.082 --> 00:42:55.452
"i feel" should be based on what you're actually experiencing,
00:42:55.452 --> 00:42:59.756
You know, i feel hurt.
00:42:59.756 --> 00:43:01.324
I feel sad, i feel alone, i feel afraid.
00:43:01.324 --> 00:43:04.160
And learning how to open up that part of your heart and share it
00:43:04.160 --> 00:43:08.365
Is a really important part of vulnerability.
00:43:08.365 --> 00:43:11.301
Why it's vulnerability is because it does leave
00:43:11.301 --> 00:43:14.504
You vulnerable.
00:43:14.504 --> 00:43:16.106
It leaves you at risk to be hurt, you know, and that's why i
00:43:16.106 --> 00:43:21.044
Think so many of us avoid it.
00:43:21.044 --> 00:43:22.712
It's like i'm at risk sharing with you a little bit, you could
00:43:22.712 --> 00:43:26.816
Hurt me, you know, or giving you a compliment, or telling you
00:43:26.816 --> 00:43:32.222
Something i appreciate about you.
00:43:32.222 --> 00:43:33.623
I'm at risk because what i say could actually hurt me.
00:43:33.623 --> 00:43:37.961
And so, i think oftentimes, people avoid vulnerability as
00:43:37.961 --> 00:43:41.364
A self-protection, self-protective,
00:43:41.364 --> 00:43:44.734
Self-preservation.
00:43:44.734 --> 00:43:47.170
So, i think what it comes down to is that we have to learn how
00:43:47.170 --> 00:43:50.607
To give the person this feedback.
00:43:50.607 --> 00:43:54.444
Kirk: but debra,, is it really the obligation of the person
00:43:54.444 --> 00:43:57.480
Who's struggling with vulnerability to open up?
00:43:57.480 --> 00:44:02.152
I feel like there are times where it's like, no, the
00:44:02.152 --> 00:44:04.354
Self-protection mode that you're in right now is warranted
00:44:04.354 --> 00:44:07.924
Because this person over here is not--
00:44:07.924 --> 00:44:10.560
Debra: safe. kirk: --safe.
00:44:10.560 --> 00:44:12.562
Debra: yeah, absolutely, and that's where there's different
00:44:12.562 --> 00:44:15.198
Levels of vulnerability, different levels of trust based
00:44:15.198 --> 00:44:19.502
On our relationship.
00:44:19.502 --> 00:44:21.237
I give you more access to me as there is more trust and
00:44:21.237 --> 00:44:25.609
Responsibility in the relationship.
00:44:25.609 --> 00:44:27.344
In one of the chapters in people skills, we talk about how it's
00:44:27.344 --> 00:44:30.647
Okay to love all people.
00:44:30.647 --> 00:44:32.582
It's important to love all people, but it's okay to love
00:44:32.582 --> 00:44:35.285
Some people at a distance and how there's a spectrum of being
00:44:35.285 --> 00:44:39.823
Able to trust someone and how much i give them of myself.
00:44:39.823 --> 00:44:45.328
So yeah, higher levels of responsibility equal higher
00:44:45.328 --> 00:44:49.866
Levels of trust.
00:44:49.866 --> 00:44:51.201
I always say this, kirk, trust is not a gift to be given, it's
00:44:51.201 --> 00:44:55.572
A reward to be earned, and it's earned in the context of how
00:44:55.572 --> 00:45:00.810
We do relationships.
00:45:00.810 --> 00:45:03.480
Kirk: why do you consider humility the most important of
00:45:03.480 --> 00:45:07.484
All the people skills?
00:45:07.484 --> 00:45:09.519
Debra: because really, it's rooted in our belief system
00:45:09.519 --> 00:45:12.355
About people, you know, if you walk into a room and you truly
00:45:12.355 --> 00:45:16.893
Believe that you are the most important thing in that place,
00:45:16.893 --> 00:45:20.697
It's gonna affect how you listen, it's gonna affect how
00:45:20.697 --> 00:45:23.633
You serve, it's gonna affect how vulnerable or not you are, it's
00:45:23.633 --> 00:45:28.371
Gonna affect how much you talk, and your goals in
00:45:28.371 --> 00:45:32.108
Those interactions.
00:45:32.108 --> 00:45:33.610
But if you walk in that room believing that you are there to
00:45:33.610 --> 00:45:37.280
Serve and love the people that god brings your way, that you
00:45:37.280 --> 00:45:40.450
Are just an instrument used in the hands of god to help show
00:45:40.450 --> 00:45:44.854
His love to the world, it changes how you behave.
00:45:44.854 --> 00:45:49.025
Those beliefs shift your feelings, which then completely
00:45:49.025 --> 00:45:53.163
Change how you act and behave.
00:45:53.163 --> 00:45:55.799
And wouldn't you agree with me that the opposite is also true
00:45:55.799 --> 00:45:59.703
If i walk in a room and i think i have nothing, i am nothing,
00:45:59.703 --> 00:46:04.574
I don't even belong here, because the opposite of humility
00:46:04.574 --> 00:46:09.379
Isn't self-deprecation.
00:46:09.379 --> 00:46:11.281
And sometimes, we walk in a room feeling like we don't deserve to
00:46:11.281 --> 00:46:14.284
Be there.
00:46:14.284 --> 00:46:15.652
We're nothing.
00:46:15.652 --> 00:46:16.986
We have nothing to offer, and that affects how we act as well.
00:46:16.986 --> 00:46:20.890
Maybe we hold on instead of realizing we have something to
00:46:20.890 --> 00:46:25.128
Give, god has placed us here for such a time as this.
00:46:25.128 --> 00:46:28.832
So it's like, we have to really have a healthy perspective of
00:46:28.832 --> 00:46:32.469
Who we are and who's we are, allow that to inform our beliefs
00:46:32.469 --> 00:46:36.740
So that it changes the way that we interact with people.
00:46:36.740 --> 00:46:39.709
Kirk: people can have great people skills, but they can use
00:46:39.709 --> 00:46:42.979
People skills in a way to manipulate people to get what
00:46:42.979 --> 00:46:45.849
They want.
00:46:45.849 --> 00:46:47.183
And what's most important is who you think you are, and who's you
00:46:47.183 --> 00:46:50.887
Think you are, and what you think of those people.
00:46:50.887 --> 00:46:53.723
These are people made in the image of god, that god put here
00:46:53.723 --> 00:46:56.559
For me to serve those christian beliefs, that framework, that
00:46:56.559 --> 00:47:01.030
Worldview is everything and it changes everything in our
00:47:01.030 --> 00:47:04.534
Marriage, it changes our relationships with our kids.
00:47:04.534 --> 00:47:06.803
Debra: absolutely, the goal is not to be popular, and to be
00:47:06.803 --> 00:47:10.874
Liked, and to be successful.
00:47:10.874 --> 00:47:13.376
The goal is to convey the love that we've been given so that
00:47:13.376 --> 00:47:18.748
Some might be saved.
00:47:18.748 --> 00:47:20.083
I have become all things to all people so that all possible ways
00:47:20.083 --> 00:47:24.154
And all possible means, some might be saved, and i think that
00:47:24.154 --> 00:47:28.158
Needs to be the heart of why we're doing all of this.
00:47:28.158 --> 00:47:30.960
Kirk: debra, in today's media saturated world where people are
00:47:30.960 --> 00:47:35.265
On their phone an average of eight hours a day, what are some
00:47:35.265 --> 00:47:39.402
Things that we as parents can do to help our kids and grandkids
00:47:39.402 --> 00:47:45.175
Develop these people skills?
00:47:45.175 --> 00:47:47.310
Debra: you know, i think a very good starting point is to see
00:47:47.310 --> 00:47:51.514
Pockets of time that would normally get filled with other
00:47:51.514 --> 00:47:54.584
Things as opportunities to practice our people skills, our
00:47:54.584 --> 00:47:58.955
Conversation skills.
00:47:58.955 --> 00:48:00.523
The moments you have with your family in the car should
00:48:00.523 --> 00:48:03.960
Be sacred.
00:48:03.960 --> 00:48:05.295
The moments that you have around the dinner table should be
00:48:05.295 --> 00:48:07.831
Sacred because those are the moments where we invite
00:48:07.831 --> 00:48:11.801
Conversations to go a little bit deeper.
00:48:11.801 --> 00:48:13.736
The moments before bed, if you think about it, we've got these
00:48:13.736 --> 00:48:16.072
Pockets of time that we can use intentionally to deepen our
00:48:16.072 --> 00:48:20.743
Connections and our relationships with our kids,
00:48:20.743 --> 00:48:23.213
With our spouses, with the people that we love.
00:48:23.213 --> 00:48:25.748
I think it just means putting our screens down, setting some
00:48:25.748 --> 00:48:28.284
Boundaries and limits.
00:48:28.284 --> 00:48:29.652
We have a spot in our house where screens go before dinner.
00:48:29.652 --> 00:48:33.056
You know, we have screen-free times and screen-free zones so
00:48:33.056 --> 00:48:37.360
That we can take the opportunity to connect with each other and
00:48:37.360 --> 00:48:40.396
Make the most of it.
00:48:40.396 --> 00:48:41.731
We have to be intentional or time just kind of slips through
00:48:41.731 --> 00:48:44.901
The hourglass.
00:48:44.901 --> 00:48:46.236
Kirk: it really does.
00:48:46.236 --> 00:48:47.604
Man, this is so important.
00:48:47.604 --> 00:48:48.938
Debra, thank you for writing this book and all the other
00:48:48.938 --> 00:48:50.974
Books that you've written.
00:48:50.974 --> 00:48:52.342
I'll be taking this one home and reading it as well.
00:48:52.342 --> 00:48:53.877
Debra: it's my pleasure.
00:48:53.877 --> 00:48:55.211
Thank you for having me.
00:48:55.211 --> 00:48:56.579
Kirk: after the break, we'll review today's takeaways.
00:48:56.579 --> 00:49:03.253
♪♪♪
00:49:03.985 --> 00:49:11.092
Kirk: have you ever wondered why some conversations leave you
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Feeling seen and heard and understood, while others leave
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You frustrated and disconnected?
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What if the difference isn't the answers we give, but the
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Questions we ask?
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In today's conversation with j.r. briggs
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And debra fileta, we explored the power of good
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Questions, of strong people skills, and how following
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Jesus's example can transform the way we relate to others.
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Here are a few of my takeaways: ask better questions.
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J.r. said something bold.
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The quality of your life is determined by the quality of
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Your questions.
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He then shared how simply asking a fisherman on the sea of
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Galilee if he could spend the day with him, opened the door to
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An unforgettable experience.
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Two courageous questions changed the outcome of his day and
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Shaped the way he sees conversations.
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If you want a richer life, j.r.
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Says that it starts with asking better questions.
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The ingredients of a good question.
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So, how do we know what good questions look like?
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When we talked, j.r. told me
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That every good question should include four ingredients:
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Curiosity, do i genuinely want to understand?
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Wisdom, is this question appropriate for the depth of
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Our relationship?
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Humility, am i willing to learn something?
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And courage, am i brave enough to ask?
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So, the next time you lean into a conversation, think through
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These four ingredients to measure your question.
00:50:49.724 --> 00:50:55.397
Understand why questions truly matter.
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Both j.r. and debra
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Pointed out that when reading the gospels, we see
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Jesus asks far more questions than he gives answers.
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Why?
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Because questions show genuine interest in other people and
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Reveal the heart.
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So, if jesus prioritized questions in his relationships,
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Shouldn't we?
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Debra made it clear that this isn't just about influence or
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Winning arguments, it's about reflecting god's love in
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A conversation.
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She said, developing this art of having people skills is so that
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We're able to convey god's love through our conversations and
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Bring others to him through questions.
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When we understand why questions matter, we'll be more likely to
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Prioritize them in conversations like jesus did.
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Practice your people skills, eliminate distractions.
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I love deborah's point.
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Intentions don't automatically translate into skills.
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Often in relationships, it isn't that we don't love one another,
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It's that we haven't had these communication skills modeled
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For us.
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Then, to make it even more challenging, we've outsourced
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Human interaction through technology and we've lost the
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Learning of this skill that once came from face-to-face
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Conversations and trial and error.
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So, if we want stronger relationships, we have
00:52:19.047 --> 00:52:22.083
To practice.
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And she says, start simple, put down the phone, listen without
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Preparing your response.
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Ask one deeper follow-up question, and use everyday
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Moments, in the car, at dinner, before bed.
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So, this week, eliminate one distraction and replace it with
00:52:36.631 --> 00:52:41.069
One meaningful question.
00:52:41.069 --> 00:52:44.572
That's all for this episode of "takeaways."
00:52:44.572 --> 00:52:46.708
Thanks for watching, and if you've enjoyed the show, don't
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Forget to set your dvr so you never miss an episode.
00:52:49.577 --> 00:52:52.547
And of course, you can always catch up on past episodes by
00:52:52.547 --> 00:52:55.583
Searching for "takeaways" on tbn+ or visiting the
00:52:55.583 --> 00:52:59.287
"kirk cameron on tbn" youtube channel.
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We hope to see you next time right here for more
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Great conversations.
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♪♪♪
00:53:07.061 --> 00:53:07.061

J.R. Briggs & Debra Fileta: Ways To Improve Our Social Skills: Takeaways With Kirk Cameron

March 9, 2026 | 53:25

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