Rebecca St. James, Cubbie Fink, & Gary Chapman: Applying Godly Advice for Healthy Relationships | Takeaways with Kirk Cameron

July 21, 2025 | 55:2

Kirk Cameron is joined by singer and songwriters, Rebecca St. James and Cubbie Fink and best-selling author and pastor, Dr. Gary Chapman to discuss strategies for healthy family relationships.

#Author #Relationships #Marriage #Counsel #Dating #Wife #Husband #Contentment #Parents #Failure #SpiritualGrowth #Singer/Songwriter

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Takeaways with Kirk Cameron | Rebecca St. James, Cubbie Fink, & Gary Chapman: Applying Godly Advice for Healthy Relationships | Takeaways with Kirk Cameron | July 21, 2025

Kirk cameron: "and they lived happily ever after."
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That's a phrase that we read at the end of most fairy
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Tale stories.
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But in reality, is it possible to date someone, get married,
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Have children, and truly live happily ever after?
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Well, today we're gonna discuss what it takes to have good and
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Thriving relationships with our families.
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My guests are rebecca st. james, her husband cubbie fink, and dr.
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Gary chapman sharing their experiences and insights on how
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To cultivate marriages that are strong and healthy.
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Let's get to it right now on "takeaways."
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Rebecca st. james: you know, i think dating for a little while,
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Not marrying super fast is a good thing too 'cause you want
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To see this integrity lived out.
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Cubbie fink: i think it's far too easy to look to the thing to
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Make us complete and happy and fulfilled, where god is
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Encouraging us to find contentment in just
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His presence.
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Dr. gary chapman: parents are not perfect.
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We don't have to be perfect, but we do have to deal with
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Our failures.
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♪♪♪
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Kirk: rebecca st. james is a grammy and dove award winning
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Christian music legend with more than two million albums sold and
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She's also an accomplished actress and the author of more
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Than a dozen books.
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Cubbie fink is a founding member of the multi-platinum grammy
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Nominated indie pop band "foster the people" and he's also
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A successful film producer and director.
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They got married in 2011 and they're the authors of a brand
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New memoir called "lasting ever: faith, music, family, and being
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Found by true love."
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I'm so happy you guys are here with me.
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Rebecca: kirk, it is a joy to be back with you.
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I'm having flashbacks to being with you and chelsea on the
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"left behind" set.
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I mean, we were old kids.
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We were old kids.
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Kirk: how old were you, how old were you then?
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I think i was, i was probably 18-years-old, 19-years-old.
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Rebecca: i think i was about the same age, yeah.
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Kirk: that's so great.
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You weren't even in the picture yet.
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Cubbie: nowhere near the picture.
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Kirk: that's right.
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You come later in the story, but it's such a great story.
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How did you both meet?
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Cubbie: you or me?
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Rebecca: we always have to decide who's gonna share.
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You're sharing, yeah.
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Cubbie: yeah, i'll go for it.
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So we were both living in la at the time.
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Rebecca had moved from nashville to la to pursue some acting
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Opportunities that she was, you know, passionate about.
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I was there also pursuing film and got sidetracked by music
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A little bit.
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And long story short, there was a philosophy group that met and
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It was a guy that opened his home to basically teach
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Philosophy as a foundation for theology.
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So he would come and debate and have spirit conversations and
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A lot of people ended up coming to the lord through this group.
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And there was a couple of marriages that transpired out of
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This group.
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We were one of them, but ultimately that was kind of the
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Binding factor.
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It was our friends that met and schemed a little bit and got us
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In the same place at the same time and.
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Kirk: so you met while discussing the deeper meanings
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Of life.
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Rebecca: well, i mean, it was really our mutual friends that
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We kind of met through that group.
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And then he was working in tv at that time and pulling really
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Long hours.
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So he wasn't at the group very much.
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But i got invited through these friends to an event with his tv
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Show that he was at.
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And i have a song about, you know, my future husband that i
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Wrote like ten years before i met him.
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Kirk: oh, bro, i already know she had been praying for you for
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Years, ever since she was like 18 'cause i was 19 and i
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Remember singing about these songs and she's waiting for him
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And she's praying for him and she is not gonna compromise
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Until she meets the one.
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I mean, i actually remember this long before you came into
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The picture.
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Rebecca: that's so sweet that you remember that, thank you.
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Kirk: so you must have been so excited.
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Did you know that he was the one?
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Rebecca: well, i had an inkling pretty right away.
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I mean, i remember seeing him across the room and it was
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Definitely, we talk about it in the book but it was this choir
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Sing, you know.
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Cubbie: one of those movie moments.
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Kirk: one of these tractor beings it was like--
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Rebecca: the light is shining.
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Kirk: sucking you into the--
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Rebecca: like, a hallmark moment, but it was like my song.
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Like, you know, waiting for the look in your eyes when we meet
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For the first time, there was something really magical and i
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Remember leaving that event going, "i like that guy."
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Like, there was something that was special.
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Cubbie: i mean, there was more than the look.
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We ended up talking for most of the evening.
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Rebecca: and connecting our hearts in the team for sure.
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Cubbie: it was a lot of connecting for sure.
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Kirk: you know, and you actually talked back then.
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See, now today the kids say, "yeah, i'm talking to this
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Girl," but they're not really talking to her.
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It just means.
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Rebecca: technology.
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Kirk: it's technology.
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Rebecca: yeah, we actually talked.
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Kirk: you actually talked.
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That's good.
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And a lot of young christians today are very and appropriately
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So concerned about wanting to honor the lord in their
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Relationships and i know that it was a big deal for you guys to
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Really be committed to the lord in every area of your life and
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That was during that movement called true love waits.
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I remember that.
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But there was a movement that everyone was talking about then
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And it was sort of novel to think that a couple would
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Preserve purity until they were married, which is really just
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Such an obvious biblical concept, but it was like novel
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At the time and crazy.
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How did that impact your relationship?
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Cubbie: i mean, it was a common value that we shared, which was
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A lot of the common ground that we shared from, you know, moment
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One, but it was something that was really instilled in me kind
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Of first through my parents, never very heavy handedly, just
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More they shared with me kind of biblical principles and the way
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God laid it out and, you know, these principles are in place
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For your embetterment.
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And then when that movement came along, it's like, well,
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That aligns with what--
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Kirk: that lines right up.
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Cubbie: with what i believe and it was something that i was able
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To commit to and something that i wanted to commit to until, you
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Know, my marriage night.
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And the fact that that was so much a part of both of our
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Stories, it was really beautiful.
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Rebecca: thankful for it, for sure.
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Kirk: you write in your book that if a person is not able to
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Be content in every season of their life, single, married,
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Whatever the season is, they're not going to magically learn
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Contentment after the wedding day.
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Can you unpack that for us?
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Rebecca: i think it's something that you just have to practice
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In any season, you know, whether it's kind of, we talk about, in
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Our book about winter seasons, you know, and a hard time,
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Specifically hard time that we went through with miscarriage
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And job loss and like his mom dying and a lot.
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But there's different seasons in life, a winter season, spring
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Season, summer season, fall, but we have to practice contentment
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In all of those seasons.
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And for me, that was a real challenge.
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Like, i remember being in la.
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I remember just like struggling, "lord, you know, this is such
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A longing in my heart to be married.
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I'm in my 30s.
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I'm really, really struggling with this."
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And i do feel that he brought me to a place.
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And i'm not saying that because i came to this place and god
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Rewarded me with a husband, nothing like that, 'cause it's
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Not--any gift from him is grace.
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It's just a gift.
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It's not something we deserve, but i do remember him bringing
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Me to this place of, "lord, even if you don't bring me this
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Husband, i trust you.
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Like, i know that you will give me the strength to trust you and
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To love you still even if this biggest dream of my heart
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Doesn't happen."
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And i do think that there was something to the freedom that we
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Went into marriage with of like this dream is a longing of both
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Of our hearts, but it's not the be all and end all.
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And we can kind of love each other a little bit more freely
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From that place instead of give, give, give, give to me, complete
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Me, complete me.
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It's almost two halls coming together to be a stronger unit
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Rather than two halves trying to grab from each other.
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Kirk: oh, that's so good and such an important concept.
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My wife and i have six children and two of our kids are married
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And the others are longing for that relationship.
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They wanna find the one and they want it now, right?
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They don't wanna wait and yet god makes everything right in
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His time.
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What advice would you give to young people like my kids who
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Are in that season of waiting and they're wondering, are we
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Ever gonna meet somebody?
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And i don't wanna play games.
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I don't wanna do the dating thing.
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I wanna be intentional.
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But, you know, it just seems like it's not coming together.
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Will i ever find them?
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Cubbie: yeah, i mean, i think it's a continued conversation
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About contentment, kind of springboarding off what
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Rebecca said.
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And i think it's far too easy to look to the thing to make us
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Complete and happy and fulfilled, where god is
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Encouraging us to find contentment in just his presence
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And the fact that we can rest in the fact that we are a son and
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Daughter of the king and we have access to his throne room and we
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Have contentment because we are in his presence and that's the
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Source of joy that we can carry into life as opposed to looking
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To the job or the money or the relationship or the marriage--
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Rebecca: the child.
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Cubbie: or the child, or any of these things that we think,
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Well, if i just get my hands on that, bring it into my world,
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Then i'm gonna be happy.
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But what we find over and over and over is when we get the
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Thing, we're still the same person and if we haven't found
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Contentment here, we're never gonna find contentment with the
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Things that think are going to make us happy.
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So i think it's in that waiting period, it's an opportunity for
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Us to really learn what paul says, "i found a way to be
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Content in all situations."
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So, if you're not content unmarried, you're never going to
00:09:23.653 --> 00:09:26.455
Be content married.
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So i think those waiting seasons are not fun and they're not
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Easy, but if you can look at it, you know, like paul says,
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"i look at every hardship as a an opportunity to
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Grow," essentially.
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Learning contentment in those seasons of waiting i think is
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The challenge.
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Kirk: do you have advice for people who are saying, but what
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Should i look for in a spouse?
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Because i just got out of a relationship and i definitely
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Don't want that to happen again, where i invest myself, i invest
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My time, my heart, and then all of a sudden i find out that this
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Person is not who i thought that they were, right?
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Or for whatever reasons, it's not gonna work out.
00:10:01.924 --> 00:10:03.859
And i don't wanna waste another year, a year and a half of
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My time.
00:10:05.795 --> 00:10:07.663
What should a young lady look for in a mate?
00:10:07.663 --> 00:10:11.767
Rebecca: i mean, i think character and integrity and
00:10:11.767 --> 00:10:14.704
A true relationship with jesus, like that you actually see of
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This intimate relationship with jesus is probably the highest
00:10:18.107 --> 00:10:21.110
Value, i think, because that is gonna provide trust that is the
00:10:21.110 --> 00:10:27.383
Foundation for your love, you know.
00:10:27.383 --> 00:10:28.951
And no one's gonna be perfect and, you know, our dating
00:10:28.951 --> 00:10:31.887
Relationship had its highs and it's lows and it's moments of
00:10:31.887 --> 00:10:34.824
Going, okay, what about this or what about that, things that we
00:10:34.824 --> 00:10:37.593
Had to work through.
00:10:37.593 --> 00:10:38.928
But i think that character of his commitment to jesus and the
00:10:38.928 --> 00:10:42.732
Holy spirit's work that i saw in his life, provided
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That foundation.
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And i think sometimes you can only see that over time.
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You know, i think dating for a little while, not marry marrying
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Super fast is a good thing too 'cause you want to see this
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Integrity lived out.
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That they are trustworthy.
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That you want this person to be the father of your children,
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You know.
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Like, for me as a woman, i think that was very valuable.
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Kirk: that's such a good question to ask, right?
00:11:06.455 --> 00:11:07.823
Is this the man that i want to be the father of my children.
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This woman, the woman who i want to be the one that they say,
00:11:10.292 --> 00:11:13.596
"that was my mom, that was my mom."
00:11:13.596 --> 00:11:17.266
Cubbie, what advice would you give to someone if they're
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Asking, "how do i know that this is the one?"
00:11:19.702 --> 00:11:24.306
The one.
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Not just a good one, but the one.
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Cubbie: and i think that's where in today's day and age and
00:11:27.777 --> 00:11:31.447
Culture and technology and all the things, it can be completely
00:11:31.447 --> 00:11:34.450
Overwhelming because of the options.
00:11:34.450 --> 00:11:37.286
I mean, 100 years ago, you lived in a town where there was
00:11:37.286 --> 00:11:40.322
Potentially two, maybe three options and one that probably
00:11:40.322 --> 00:11:43.459
Made the most sense.
00:11:43.459 --> 00:11:44.794
Now we literally have the world at our fingertips and the
00:11:44.794 --> 00:11:47.062
Overwhelming amount to weed through to figure out, okay, is
00:11:47.062 --> 00:11:50.499
This the one can be completely, i mean, anxiety inducing and all
00:11:50.499 --> 00:11:54.670
The things and can really ultimately kind of cause people
00:11:54.670 --> 00:11:58.107
To not even wanna look because it's like, how do i find the one
00:11:58.107 --> 00:12:01.110
In the midst of this sea?
00:12:01.110 --> 00:12:02.812
But i think--
00:12:02.812 --> 00:12:04.146
Kirk: that's how i feel when i go to a restaurant that has
00:12:04.146 --> 00:12:05.981
A menu that's just way too long.
00:12:05.981 --> 00:12:07.983
Rebecca: i know, too much.
00:12:07.983 --> 00:12:09.351
Too many options.
00:12:09.351 --> 00:12:10.686
Kirk: way too much.
00:12:10.686 --> 00:12:12.054
I can't, i wanna go somewhere else.
00:12:12.054 --> 00:12:13.389
Rebecca: find the choice.
00:12:13.389 --> 00:12:14.757
Cubbie: but i think it is a process of really being
00:12:14.757 --> 00:12:16.559
Holy spirit led in your decisions as you pursue dating,
00:12:16.559 --> 00:12:19.261
As you pursue relationships, and just continuing to offer
00:12:19.261 --> 00:12:22.932
That relationship before the lord.
00:12:22.932 --> 00:12:25.000
But ultimately, it really is kind of a leap of faith at the
00:12:25.000 --> 00:12:27.670
End of the day and it is saying, okay, lord, you know, all these
00:12:27.670 --> 00:12:30.539
Boxes are checked, but you never really know.
00:12:30.539 --> 00:12:34.009
I think there is the same when you know, you know, and i think
00:12:34.009 --> 00:12:35.978
There was a deep sense that we knew this was right, but it's
00:12:35.978 --> 00:12:38.781
Also a step of faith and it's a commitment to stay committed to
00:12:38.781 --> 00:12:41.817
This relationship come what may.
00:12:41.817 --> 00:12:44.620
And it's a commitment to, you know, to death.
00:12:44.620 --> 00:12:48.257
And it was a decision very specifically for both of us.
00:12:48.257 --> 00:12:51.093
The d word is not gonna enter our conversation.
00:12:51.093 --> 00:12:53.429
We are committing to this and we're gonna work through the
00:12:53.429 --> 00:12:55.664
Hard stuff together.
00:12:55.664 --> 00:12:56.999
Rebecca: there's no plan b. cubbie: no plan b.
00:12:56.999 --> 00:12:58.334
Kirk: i love that.
00:12:58.334 --> 00:12:59.702
I absolutely love that.
00:12:59.702 --> 00:13:01.036
I have a wise old owl in my life.
00:13:01.036 --> 00:13:02.838
He's a presbyterian elder.
00:13:02.838 --> 00:13:04.340
He's probably pushing 80-years-old and there's so
00:13:04.340 --> 00:13:07.509
Much, so much counsel.
00:13:07.509 --> 00:13:08.844
He's kind of like my personal gandalf, and i consult him now
00:13:08.844 --> 00:13:11.714
And then.
00:13:11.714 --> 00:13:13.048
You know, he's reminded me that so much of getting ready for
00:13:13.048 --> 00:13:16.185
Marriage is not only looking for the one, but it is asking god to
00:13:16.185 --> 00:13:20.589
Help you be the one, the one that she's looking for
00:13:20.589 --> 00:13:25.361
Too, right?
00:13:25.361 --> 00:13:26.762
And that if i can commit myself to being the man of god that
00:13:26.762 --> 00:13:30.699
God's calling me to be that ultimately is who that quality
00:13:30.699 --> 00:13:34.169
Of a girl is really looking for.
00:13:34.169 --> 00:13:36.972
Rebecca: well, i love that you're speaking with something
00:13:36.972 --> 00:13:38.607
Too that i feel like i'm hearing a lot and even on my--i do
00:13:38.607 --> 00:13:42.912
A podcast with "focus on the family", a parenting podcast and
00:13:42.912 --> 00:13:46.015
Have a wonderful co-host, danny horta and he talks a lot about
00:13:46.015 --> 00:13:50.085
Being a contributor rather than a consumer when it comes
00:13:50.085 --> 00:13:53.088
To relationships.
00:13:53.088 --> 00:13:54.423
How am i contributing within my family?
00:13:54.423 --> 00:13:56.258
How am i contributing in this relationship?
00:13:56.258 --> 00:13:58.928
And i just love that that's what i hear from what you're saying.
00:13:58.928 --> 00:14:01.797
Like, how can i think about what i'm bringing to the table
00:14:01.797 --> 00:14:05.768
For this person that's my potential spouse rather than
00:14:05.768 --> 00:14:09.638
Having consumer approach to it.
00:14:09.638 --> 00:14:11.040
Kirk: yeah, well, i wanna get into your story.
00:14:11.040 --> 00:14:13.309
I wanna get into all of the challenges with being parents
00:14:13.309 --> 00:14:16.045
And everything else.
00:14:16.045 --> 00:14:17.379
When we come back we'll talk more with cubbie and rebecca.
00:14:17.379 --> 00:14:19.348
And later in the program, best selling author and pastor
00:14:19.348 --> 00:14:22.584
Dr. gary chapman will share strategies for healthy
00:14:22.584 --> 00:14:25.888
Relationships, so don't go away.
00:14:25.888 --> 00:14:27.222
Dr. gary: we've always said, for example, you can't change your
00:14:27.222 --> 00:14:29.925
Spouse, and that's true, but we can influence our spouse.
00:14:29.925 --> 00:14:40.002
Spouse, and that's true, but we can influence our spouse.
00:14:40.002 --> 00:14:40.669
Kirk: we're back with rebecca st. james and her husband cubbie
00:14:47.509 --> 00:14:48.577
Fink, sharing what they've learned in their life
00:14:50.546 --> 00:14:52.781
Journey together.
00:14:52.781 --> 00:14:54.116
I love that in your book, "lasting ever," you talk about
00:14:54.116 --> 00:14:57.619
Being found by true love rather than you finding true love.
00:14:57.619 --> 00:15:00.389
What do you mean by that?
00:15:00.389 --> 00:15:01.924
Rebecca: i mean, that language is really intentional when we
00:15:01.924 --> 00:15:04.426
Think about the title and the subtitle because and i shared
00:15:04.426 --> 00:15:08.630
Really this idea earlier, but any gift, any good thing is a
00:15:08.630 --> 00:15:13.602
Gift from god, you know, it's his doing, and i don't know.
00:15:13.602 --> 00:15:18.674
I think we live in a culture that entitlement is just
00:15:18.674 --> 00:15:23.178
A thing.
00:15:23.178 --> 00:15:24.513
Like, i'm entitled to my dreams coming true and i'm entitled to
00:15:24.513 --> 00:15:26.115
This and that.
00:15:26.115 --> 00:15:27.483
But when it's being found by true love, like god
00:15:27.483 --> 00:15:30.686
Orchestrated that.
00:15:30.686 --> 00:15:32.054
Like, he brought this to be, you know.
00:15:32.054 --> 00:15:34.223
It wasn't us finding it.
00:15:34.223 --> 00:15:35.591
It wasn't us achieving it.
00:15:35.591 --> 00:15:36.959
It was him bringing it about.
00:15:36.959 --> 00:15:39.094
And so we're found by true love here, by him at first as
00:15:39.094 --> 00:15:44.600
Believers and then finding this is that extra gift that i'll
00:15:44.600 --> 00:15:50.672
Forever till my dying day, just be grateful that it happened.
00:15:50.672 --> 00:15:53.509
Kirk: i agree with you.
00:15:53.509 --> 00:15:54.843
I think relationships are just one of the many gifts that god
00:15:54.843 --> 00:15:56.879
Gives us.
00:15:56.879 --> 00:15:58.213
I've often thought that if my plans had gone my way, i never
00:15:58.213 --> 00:16:01.316
Would have met my wife chelsea.
00:16:01.316 --> 00:16:02.651
I never would have been a christian.
00:16:02.651 --> 00:16:04.520
I never--i was an atheist and i planned to disprove to all of my
00:16:04.520 --> 00:16:08.390
Christian friends that there was a god.
00:16:08.390 --> 00:16:12.494
And i wanted to be a doctor, not an actor.
00:16:12.494 --> 00:16:14.530
But had either of those things stayed the course, i wouldn't,
00:16:14.530 --> 00:16:19.101
I'd still be in my sins.
00:16:19.101 --> 00:16:20.469
I'd be headed for hell.
00:16:20.469 --> 00:16:21.804
Chelsea wouldn't have given me the time of day.
00:16:21.804 --> 00:16:23.839
So every good and perfect gift comes right down from the father
00:16:23.839 --> 00:16:26.542
Of lights.
00:16:26.542 --> 00:16:27.910
And i remember a pastor saying to me one time, what you just
00:16:27.910 --> 00:16:31.113
Said, and that is, well he said, "kirk, if anyone ever asks, how
00:16:31.113 --> 00:16:34.783
Did you find god in hollywood?"
00:16:34.783 --> 00:16:37.553
He said, "remember, you didn't find god.
00:16:37.553 --> 00:16:40.622
He wasn't lost.
00:16:40.622 --> 00:16:42.224
You were and he found you."
00:16:42.224 --> 00:16:44.927
Cubbie: so good.
00:16:44.927 --> 00:16:46.295
Kirk: i'm like, you're right.
00:16:46.295 --> 00:16:47.629
That's exactly right.
00:16:47.629 --> 00:16:48.997
Now, you both were deeply involved in the music industry
00:16:48.997 --> 00:16:52.101
When you met.
00:16:52.101 --> 00:16:53.469
So what were your thoughts about how getting married might impact
00:16:53.469 --> 00:16:57.539
Your careers?
00:16:57.539 --> 00:16:58.941
Cubbie: yeah, it's interesting.
00:16:58.941 --> 00:17:00.609
Rebecca was kind of at the tail end of her career trying to work
00:17:00.609 --> 00:17:03.812
Towards coming off the road and sort of just hanging up that
00:17:03.812 --> 00:17:07.516
Season of life.
00:17:07.516 --> 00:17:08.884
I mean, the dream of her heart for years was just to be a wife
00:17:08.884 --> 00:17:11.453
And a mom.
00:17:11.453 --> 00:17:12.788
Rebecca: all my life, yeah.
00:17:12.788 --> 00:17:14.123
Cubbie: all of your life.
00:17:14.123 --> 00:17:15.491
And so we're in this relationship.
00:17:15.491 --> 00:17:16.825
Kirk: she was just waiting for you to walk in the door, bro.
00:17:16.825 --> 00:17:18.560
What took you so long.
00:17:18.560 --> 00:17:19.895
Cubbie: i know. i know, it's my fault.
00:17:19.895 --> 00:17:22.231
Kirk: so then.
00:17:22.231 --> 00:17:23.599
Cubbie: so we're in this relationship that is going well
00:17:23.599 --> 00:17:25.134
And, you know, stepping ever closer to becoming a marriage
00:17:25.134 --> 00:17:29.204
Relationship and my career at that point with the band that i
00:17:29.204 --> 00:17:32.241
Was with was starting to take off and kind of looking at the
00:17:32.241 --> 00:17:35.410
Trajectory of where things were headed, realizing that i was
00:17:35.410 --> 00:17:38.413
Gonna end up spending a lot of my life on the road.
00:17:38.413 --> 00:17:40.415
And this is a life that she's trying to leave and so we
00:17:40.415 --> 00:17:43.452
Actually had a pretty frank conversation and a lot of
00:17:43.452 --> 00:17:46.021
Concern in my heart, just saying, "hey, i know you're
00:17:46.021 --> 00:17:47.589
Trying to get out of this thing.
00:17:47.589 --> 00:17:48.924
I'm about to get into this thing.
00:17:48.924 --> 00:17:51.059
How is this gonna work?"
00:17:51.059 --> 00:17:52.427
And she said, "no, absolutely not.
00:17:52.427 --> 00:17:53.762
You should run, you should go.
00:17:53.762 --> 00:17:56.798
Like, i'm happy to be on the road with you supporting you."
00:17:56.798 --> 00:18:00.536
And there was so much just beautiful divine orchestration
00:18:00.536 --> 00:18:03.071
And the fact that god had prepared her for the world that
00:18:03.071 --> 00:18:06.041
She was about to step into with me.
00:18:06.041 --> 00:18:07.843
Kirk: yeah, she could understand it.
00:18:07.843 --> 00:18:09.344
She knew the ropes already.
00:18:09.344 --> 00:18:11.079
Cubbie: totally, she wasn't freaked out by the culture and
00:18:11.079 --> 00:18:12.681
The bus and living out of a suitcase and all those things,
00:18:12.681 --> 00:18:15.050
It was very natural to her, but suddenly the weight wasn't on
00:18:15.050 --> 00:18:17.920
Her shoulders.
00:18:17.920 --> 00:18:19.254
She could just sit in the crowd and enjoy it and be along for
00:18:19.254 --> 00:18:21.823
The ride in a lot of ways.
00:18:21.823 --> 00:18:23.192
So it was beautiful the way that god prepared us for each other.
00:18:23.192 --> 00:18:26.461
And a lot of things that we discovered in the process of
00:18:26.461 --> 00:18:28.297
Writing this book, just unique little ways that god was
00:18:28.297 --> 00:18:31.400
Preparing us along the way just for just a really perfect union.
00:18:31.400 --> 00:18:35.337
Not to say that our union has been perfect.
00:18:35.337 --> 00:18:37.806
There's been a lot of problems, i mean, not problems, but just
00:18:37.806 --> 00:18:39.808
Things you gotta work with just the reality of any relationship.
00:18:39.808 --> 00:18:43.312
Rebecca: in life, yeah.
00:18:43.312 --> 00:18:44.680
Kirk: yeah, i hear that.
00:18:44.680 --> 00:18:46.014
I'm definitely the most difficult feature of my marriage
00:18:46.014 --> 00:18:48.684
To chelsea.
00:18:48.684 --> 00:18:50.953
But you learned a lot during this time.
00:18:50.953 --> 00:18:53.522
You had already been prepared for being married to a guy who's
00:18:53.522 --> 00:18:56.124
On the road.
00:18:56.124 --> 00:18:58.060
And you were learning about marriage even through
00:18:58.060 --> 00:19:01.263
A difficult season where your music career changed.
00:19:01.263 --> 00:19:06.034
Did that impact your marriage in a good way?
00:19:06.034 --> 00:19:08.403
Well, now we're both gonna be off the road.
00:19:08.403 --> 00:19:11.173
Well, i don't want to give away what happened.
00:19:11.173 --> 00:19:12.507
Tell us what happened and what you learned through these
00:19:12.507 --> 00:19:14.977
Seasons of your marriage.
00:19:14.977 --> 00:19:16.311
Cubbie: totally.
00:19:16.311 --> 00:19:17.679
Yeah, so we were really our first, what?
00:19:17.679 --> 00:19:21.016
Four years of marriage were consumed with heavily being on
00:19:21.016 --> 00:19:25.687
The road.
00:19:25.687 --> 00:19:27.022
I was gone, you know, between ten and 11 months of the year
00:19:27.022 --> 00:19:29.691
For the first.
00:19:29.691 --> 00:19:31.026
Kirk: because the band is thriving and you guys are
00:19:31.026 --> 00:19:32.527
Getting more and more popular.
00:19:32.527 --> 00:19:33.996
Cubbie: just traveling the world all over the place, which
00:19:33.996 --> 00:19:35.797
Afforded us a lot of cool opportunities to see and do
00:19:35.797 --> 00:19:38.967
A lot of very special things.
00:19:38.967 --> 00:19:40.802
I mean, it was something i don't take for granted.
00:19:40.802 --> 00:19:43.639
I mean, we're very grateful for that season, but as most people
00:19:43.639 --> 00:19:49.044
Know, band life is challenging.
00:19:49.044 --> 00:19:51.313
There's just tight quarters and a lot of ego and a lot of
00:19:51.313 --> 00:19:54.316
Personality and a lot of different things.
00:19:54.316 --> 00:19:56.151
And, and one of the more challenging things was seeing
00:19:56.151 --> 00:19:59.288
Sort of the spiritual foundation of the band sort of get knocked
00:19:59.288 --> 00:20:02.391
Off kilter which became harder for me to continue to want to
00:20:02.391 --> 00:20:05.994
Sow into.
00:20:05.994 --> 00:20:07.362
There was just some discrepancies on kind of the
00:20:07.362 --> 00:20:10.432
Core values of what i thought this band was standing for.
00:20:10.432 --> 00:20:13.869
And so there was a big kind of internal retreat from me from
00:20:13.869 --> 00:20:16.838
The projects which was felt by the other guys which ultimately
00:20:16.838 --> 00:20:20.008
Led to a pretty painful division and departure from the band and
00:20:20.008 --> 00:20:24.246
Kind of threw us into a season of a lot of unknown.
00:20:24.246 --> 00:20:26.748
This was what we thought, you know.
00:20:26.748 --> 00:20:28.984
Kirk: you were gonna do with the rest of your lives.
00:20:28.984 --> 00:20:30.485
Cubbie: right, and suddenly we're thrown into the abyss of
00:20:30.485 --> 00:20:33.422
The unknown and really, in a place of just desperately crying
00:20:33.422 --> 00:20:37.793
Out to the lord, okay, what does this mean?
00:20:37.793 --> 00:20:40.062
What's next? what do i do?
00:20:40.062 --> 00:20:42.764
And for the first time in my life being met with silence from
00:20:42.764 --> 00:20:44.766
The lord.
00:20:44.766 --> 00:20:46.134
Every other crossroads turning point in my life, god was
00:20:46.134 --> 00:20:48.637
Exponentially clear on where to go and how to get there.
00:20:48.637 --> 00:20:52.040
Suddenly i'm at a massive crossroad with a one year old
00:20:52.040 --> 00:20:55.043
Little girl in a marriage and, you know, having to support this
00:20:55.043 --> 00:20:58.013
Family and having no idea what i was gonna do next.
00:20:58.013 --> 00:21:00.615
And a lot of ways, not really knowing who i was anymore.
00:21:00.615 --> 00:21:03.185
And for the first season in my life, i was forced to live
00:21:03.185 --> 00:21:07.756
By faith.
00:21:07.756 --> 00:21:09.124
The faith that i'd claimed to have most of my life had
00:21:09.124 --> 00:21:11.426
A pretty radical jesus encounter that set me on my jesus journey.
00:21:11.426 --> 00:21:15.731
But like i said, when god's telling you what to do and how
00:21:15.731 --> 00:21:17.699
To do it, it's not really living by faith, it's more
00:21:17.699 --> 00:21:20.102
Living obediently.
00:21:20.102 --> 00:21:22.304
But suddenly when you stop hearing these direct words of
00:21:22.304 --> 00:21:25.207
The lord, it's like, okay, do i really believe what i said
00:21:25.207 --> 00:21:28.377
I believe?
00:21:28.377 --> 00:21:29.711
Do i believe that the scripture is true?
00:21:29.711 --> 00:21:31.079
Do i believe jesus is who he said he is?
00:21:31.079 --> 00:21:32.514
Kirk: is god gonna be faithful to us?
00:21:32.514 --> 00:21:34.850
Cubbie: exactly.
00:21:34.850 --> 00:21:36.184
Kirk: he knows that we can't do this without him.
00:21:36.184 --> 00:21:37.552
We're in deep.
00:21:37.552 --> 00:21:38.887
We're over our skis and you've got to show up or
00:21:38.887 --> 00:21:40.355
We're in trouble.
00:21:40.355 --> 00:21:41.723
Cubbie: right. right.
00:21:41.723 --> 00:21:43.125
And so that utter reliance in the darkest of hours was what
00:21:43.125 --> 00:21:46.261
We're kind of forced to live through and stand on and really
00:21:46.261 --> 00:21:52.534
Ultimately saw god meet us kind of at the conclusion of that
00:21:52.534 --> 00:21:56.972
Season, but it was three or four years of just a lot of pain.
00:21:56.972 --> 00:22:00.976
We experienced a couple of miscarriages and the process of
00:22:00.976 --> 00:22:04.312
Trying to grow our family.
00:22:04.312 --> 00:22:05.647
My mom was dying, there was just look like everywhere we looked,
00:22:05.647 --> 00:22:10.786
There was pain and hardship and--
00:22:10.786 --> 00:22:12.154
Kirk: when it rains it pours.
00:22:12.154 --> 00:22:13.488
Cubbie: and yeah and--
00:22:13.488 --> 00:22:14.856
Kirk: can i ask you a question about that?
00:22:14.856 --> 00:22:16.191
There's people who i know are listening to us right now who
00:22:16.191 --> 00:22:18.093
Have experienced the pain of wanting to have children and
00:22:18.093 --> 00:22:22.097
They finally after prayer, get pregnant and experience
00:22:22.097 --> 00:22:26.334
A miscarriage.
00:22:26.334 --> 00:22:28.003
How can you encourage people who are struggling with that
00:22:28.003 --> 00:22:30.972
Right now?
00:22:30.972 --> 00:22:32.340
Rebecca: it was really, really hard for me.
00:22:32.340 --> 00:22:33.675
It was one of those things i knew kind of starting later in
00:22:33.675 --> 00:22:36.211
Life to have children that it was a possibility, but my mom
00:22:36.211 --> 00:22:41.049
Had had seven kids and no miscarriages.
00:22:41.049 --> 00:22:43.185
And so i kind of thought, i think we'll be fine.
00:22:43.185 --> 00:22:45.620
I know it's a possibility, but i think we'll be fine.
00:22:45.620 --> 00:22:47.989
And then it was just like, low, low.
00:22:47.989 --> 00:22:51.059
I was dealing with burnout at that point too for music.
00:22:51.059 --> 00:22:53.628
I mean, it was just a lot.
00:22:53.628 --> 00:22:55.330
I think what i had to hold onto in that time, similar to what
00:22:55.330 --> 00:22:59.067
Cubbie's saying, is just the goodness of god.
00:22:59.067 --> 00:23:00.969
Like, he is gonna be good and he's gonna look after us no
00:23:00.969 --> 00:23:04.406
Matter what the path forward looks like and dreams were being
00:23:04.406 --> 00:23:07.142
Shattered at that point.
00:23:07.142 --> 00:23:08.477
And i think that's what people probably listening right now go,
00:23:08.477 --> 00:23:12.814
I'm in that spot of like, you know, just my dreams for family
00:23:12.814 --> 00:23:16.585
Life being shattered through miscarriage or some other loss.
00:23:16.585 --> 00:23:19.921
And you have to grieve those.
00:23:19.921 --> 00:23:21.256
You have to kind of go through the process of grief.
00:23:21.256 --> 00:23:22.924
But i think holding to the goodness of god in that time is
00:23:22.924 --> 00:23:25.994
Probably the main thing of like, he's been faithful before.
00:23:25.994 --> 00:23:30.165
He's gonna continue to be faithful and i trust his heart
00:23:30.165 --> 00:23:33.101
And his love for me.
00:23:33.101 --> 00:23:34.436
And i rest in that.
00:23:34.436 --> 00:23:35.804
I rest in that.
00:23:35.804 --> 00:23:37.138
Kirk: yeah, if people get your book "lasting ever," what's the
00:23:37.138 --> 00:23:40.008
Main takeaway you want them to get from this?
00:23:40.008 --> 00:23:44.613
Rebecca: i think, i mean, just a springboard off of what we were,
00:23:44.613 --> 00:23:48.016
I was just sharing.
00:23:48.016 --> 00:23:49.518
God brought us into a spring season.
00:23:49.518 --> 00:23:51.453
Like, just miraculously.
00:23:51.453 --> 00:23:52.854
Like, i got pregnant with a second child, third child.
00:23:52.854 --> 00:23:56.825
They're here actually today with us which is just amazing.
00:23:56.825 --> 00:24:01.129
Like, restored dreams with calling and mission and all of
00:24:01.129 --> 00:24:05.534
That and brought us into just this new spring of just the past
00:24:05.534 --> 00:24:09.471
Falling away and new visions.
00:24:09.471 --> 00:24:13.074
And it was quick.
00:24:13.074 --> 00:24:14.409
It wasn't this long drawn out thing.
00:24:14.409 --> 00:24:15.744
It was like almost overnight, he just brought us into the spring
00:24:15.744 --> 00:24:18.847
In his grace.
00:24:18.847 --> 00:24:20.215
And i think i would love for people to close the book and go,
00:24:20.215 --> 00:24:22.851
God is gonna be good in my story as well.
00:24:22.851 --> 00:24:25.620
He's gonna be faithful and i can trust him and i can rest in
00:24:25.620 --> 00:24:28.290
His love.
00:24:28.290 --> 00:24:30.191
Kirk: how about you, cubbie?
00:24:30.191 --> 00:24:31.526
Cubbie: i mean, i would agree.
00:24:31.526 --> 00:24:32.894
I mean, that was the overwhelming sense that i had
00:24:32.894 --> 00:24:34.229
Even penning the last words of the final chapter is just being
00:24:34.229 --> 00:24:38.667
Able to look back on your life to the degree that we had to
00:24:38.667 --> 00:24:41.903
To write this book, just seeing over and over and over god's
00:24:41.903 --> 00:24:44.739
Faithfulness and seeing over and over just god being so ingrained
00:24:44.739 --> 00:24:48.076
In every detail, even in the seasons where you're not really
00:24:48.076 --> 00:24:51.079
Aware of it.
00:24:51.079 --> 00:24:52.414
And i think it's special to reflect.
00:24:52.414 --> 00:24:53.915
And it's something i've been encouraging people to do since
00:24:53.915 --> 00:24:56.551
Writing the book.
00:24:56.551 --> 00:24:57.919
It's like, just pause and look back 'cause it's a lot easier to
00:24:57.919 --> 00:24:59.988
See god's involvement in your life in retrospect sometimes
00:24:59.988 --> 00:25:03.625
Than it is in the midst, especially in
00:25:03.625 --> 00:25:04.993
Challenging situations.
00:25:04.993 --> 00:25:06.628
But just remarking over and over and over and just how good
00:25:06.628 --> 00:25:09.431
God is.
00:25:09.431 --> 00:25:11.032
And that is the hope that we just walk away or people walk
00:25:11.032 --> 00:25:13.868
Away from this book just being so encouraged that god is who he
00:25:13.868 --> 00:25:16.571
Says he is.
00:25:16.571 --> 00:25:17.906
The scriptures say it or spell out the truth and he's so good.
00:25:17.906 --> 00:25:22.143
And his plan for us is for good.
00:25:22.143 --> 00:25:25.013
Kirk: well, thank you so much for coming on and talking with
00:25:25.013 --> 00:25:27.849
Me in "takeaways" and sharing your story.
00:25:27.849 --> 00:25:30.485
Rebecca: thanks for having us, kirk.
00:25:30.485 --> 00:25:31.853
It's been a joy.
00:25:31.853 --> 00:25:33.188
Kirk: up next, dr. gary chapman is gonna join us and
00:25:33.188 --> 00:25:36.358
Share traits and strategies for healthy families,
00:25:36.358 --> 00:25:38.827
So stay with us.
00:25:38.827 --> 00:25:46.002
So stay with us.
00:25:46.002 --> 00:25:47.436
Kirk: if you know your love language, you likely have our
00:25:53.509 --> 00:25:54.543
Guest dr. gary chapman to thank.
00:25:56.445 --> 00:25:58.781
We are so honored to have dr. chapman back with us on
00:25:58.781 --> 00:26:01.517
"takeaways," but this time to talk about his book "five traits
00:26:01.517 --> 00:26:05.955
Of a healthy family."
00:26:05.955 --> 00:26:07.723
Dr. chapman, thanks so much for joining us.
00:26:07.723 --> 00:26:09.525
Dr. gary: thank you, kirk.
00:26:09.525 --> 00:26:10.860
Good to be with you.
00:26:10.860 --> 00:26:12.228
Kirk: thank you.
00:26:12.228 --> 00:26:13.562
Good to be with you.
00:26:13.562 --> 00:26:14.930
As i was telling you earlier, my daughter, she just got so
00:26:14.930 --> 00:26:16.599
Excited when she heard i was interviewing you because every
00:26:16.599 --> 00:26:18.634
Time she meets somebody and wants to be friends with them,
00:26:18.634 --> 00:26:21.203
She starts with a question of "what's your love language?"
00:26:21.203 --> 00:26:24.006
What's your love language?
00:26:24.006 --> 00:26:25.374
Dr. gary: good question.
00:26:25.374 --> 00:26:26.709
Kirk: how do i speak to you?
00:26:26.709 --> 00:26:28.077
We've talked about five languages of apology, we've
00:26:28.077 --> 00:26:30.212
Talked about love languages, and now we're talking about five
00:26:30.212 --> 00:26:32.748
Traits of a healthy family.
00:26:32.748 --> 00:26:34.950
Can you just give us a sneak peek and overview?
00:26:34.950 --> 00:26:37.586
What are the five traits of a healthy family?
00:26:37.586 --> 00:26:39.855
Dr. gary: yeah, well, you know what really motivated me to do
00:26:39.855 --> 00:26:41.924
This, there's so many people out there who have no idea what
00:26:41.924 --> 00:26:46.696
A healthy family looks like.
00:26:46.696 --> 00:26:48.698
They grew up in a family that was disorganized and all and
00:26:48.698 --> 00:26:52.535
They have no idea.
00:26:52.535 --> 00:26:53.869
And so i wrote this book to show them what it--
00:26:53.869 --> 00:26:56.105
All right first of all, an attitude of service.
00:26:56.105 --> 00:27:00.076
Husband will serve the wife, she serves him, they serve the kids,
00:27:00.076 --> 00:27:02.978
Kids learn how to serve each other.
00:27:02.978 --> 00:27:04.613
Attitude of service, that's fundamental in a healthy family.
00:27:04.613 --> 00:27:08.718
There'll be intimacy between the husband and the wife.
00:27:08.718 --> 00:27:12.388
The biblical idea become one flesh, deep, deep intimacy and
00:27:12.388 --> 00:27:16.559
We'll talk about different areas of intimacy.
00:27:16.559 --> 00:27:18.928
And then in a healthy family the father and the mother will teach
00:27:18.928 --> 00:27:23.332
And train the children.
00:27:23.332 --> 00:27:25.534
In a healthy family the father will be a loving leader.
00:27:25.534 --> 00:27:29.472
The husband will be a loving leader and a healthy family, the
00:27:29.472 --> 00:27:33.142
Children will obey and honor the parents.
00:27:33.142 --> 00:27:37.046
Fundamental things in a healthy family, you get those five
00:27:37.046 --> 00:27:39.782
Things, you're moving toward a healthy family.
00:27:39.782 --> 00:27:42.051
Kirk: they all sound so good we want all of those, but it's not
00:27:42.051 --> 00:27:44.887
Easy because there's so many people involved and there seems
00:27:44.887 --> 00:27:48.324
To be so much opposition and forces moving us to split apart
00:27:48.324 --> 00:27:53.729
And i know that--read your story, you struggled in the
00:27:53.729 --> 00:27:58.501
Beginning with your own marriage.
00:27:58.501 --> 00:28:00.336
Can you share a little bit of your testimony about the
00:28:00.336 --> 00:28:02.805
Miserable marriages you said that you experienced?
00:28:02.805 --> 00:28:05.941
Dr. gary: yeah, you know, we were both christians.
00:28:05.941 --> 00:28:07.843
We're both college people, you know, we can do this.
00:28:07.843 --> 00:28:11.647
We were in love.
00:28:11.647 --> 00:28:13.015
It's gonna be wonderful, you know, but nobody told me that
00:28:13.015 --> 00:28:15.284
The end love experience lasts about two years and we had
00:28:15.284 --> 00:28:18.587
Already dated two years before we got married so i came down
00:28:18.587 --> 00:28:21.457
Pretty soon after the honeymoon.
00:28:21.457 --> 00:28:24.059
And everything my mother told me about her was true, you know.
00:28:24.059 --> 00:28:28.564
So, eventually we ended up arguing because we had conflicts
00:28:28.564 --> 00:28:32.334
Which every couple has, but i didn't know that.
00:28:32.334 --> 00:28:35.404
I didn't think we'd have any.
00:28:35.404 --> 00:28:36.739
When you're in love you don't think you'll have conflicts.
00:28:36.739 --> 00:28:39.241
So we ended up arguing because i knew i was right.
00:28:39.241 --> 00:28:41.777
She knew she was right, you know, we tried to convince
00:28:41.777 --> 00:28:43.712
Each other.
00:28:43.712 --> 00:28:45.047
I remember one night we were in an argument.
00:28:45.047 --> 00:28:46.882
It was pouring down rain.
00:28:46.882 --> 00:28:49.118
She walked out in the middle of the argument into the rain and i
00:28:49.118 --> 00:28:53.322
Thought man this is bad.
00:28:53.322 --> 00:28:54.690
Kirk: this is bad she--
00:28:54.690 --> 00:28:56.025
Dr. gary: when a woman walks in the rain, it's bad.
00:28:56.025 --> 00:28:57.493
Kirk: that's right.
00:28:57.493 --> 00:28:58.828
She preferred to stand out and freeze in the cold than to talk
00:28:58.828 --> 00:29:02.198
With you.
00:29:02.198 --> 00:29:03.532
Dr. gary: so, you know, but looking back on all the
00:29:03.532 --> 00:29:05.000
Struggles we had in the early part of our marriage, i think
00:29:05.000 --> 00:29:07.970
God used that to give me empathy for people because they sit in
00:29:07.970 --> 00:29:12.274
My office and say, "we have no hope.
00:29:12.274 --> 00:29:14.577
We're just too different it's just not working."
00:29:14.577 --> 00:29:17.146
And i empathize with that because i remember when i felt
00:29:17.146 --> 00:29:19.915
Like, you know, i've made a mistake.
00:29:19.915 --> 00:29:21.884
I mean, this is just not working.
00:29:21.884 --> 00:29:23.652
So, you know, if i hadn't gone through that i probably wouldn't
00:29:23.652 --> 00:29:27.523
Have empathy for people who are going through that.
00:29:27.523 --> 00:29:29.658
Of course i've spent so much of my life counseling people on
00:29:29.658 --> 00:29:32.394
Marriages and i think god prepared me for that with the
00:29:32.394 --> 00:29:36.065
Troubles times that we went through.
00:29:36.065 --> 00:29:38.000
Kirk: i'm so glad that you did.
00:29:38.000 --> 00:29:39.368
I'm so glad that you've devoted yourself to this because guys
00:29:39.368 --> 00:29:42.238
Like me and millions and millions of people are
00:29:42.238 --> 00:29:45.207
Benefiting from your devotion and your service.
00:29:45.207 --> 00:29:49.912
And here you're talking about not just the marriage, but the
00:29:49.912 --> 00:29:52.448
Entire family.
00:29:52.448 --> 00:29:53.782
So how did you determine these five traits in the first place?
00:29:53.782 --> 00:29:58.220
Dr. gary: well, basically when i wrote the book, i really drew
00:29:58.220 --> 00:30:01.557
Them from ephesians chapter 5 and chapter 6.
00:30:01.557 --> 00:30:05.394
Kirk: really? dr. gary: absolutely.
00:30:05.394 --> 00:30:06.762
Kirk: straight from scripture.
00:30:06.762 --> 00:30:08.097
Dr. gary: they're all very, very clearly there.
00:30:08.097 --> 00:30:09.565
Kirk: how about that.
00:30:09.565 --> 00:30:10.933
Dr. gary: now, i've been using them and doing them for years,
00:30:10.933 --> 00:30:12.601
You know, in my own family and teaching the concepts, but where
00:30:12.601 --> 00:30:15.571
Does this all come from?
00:30:15.571 --> 00:30:16.939
And i began to read that again and they're all right there in
00:30:16.939 --> 00:30:19.675
The passage, yeah.
00:30:19.675 --> 00:30:21.076
Kirk: do these five traits of a healthy family, can they improve
00:30:21.076 --> 00:30:24.680
The health of a family if there are unwilling participants in
00:30:24.680 --> 00:30:29.318
The family?
00:30:29.318 --> 00:30:30.653
Dr. gary: well, i think many times one person has to take
00:30:30.653 --> 00:30:32.955
The initiative.
00:30:32.955 --> 00:30:34.657
You know we've always said for example you can't change your
00:30:34.657 --> 00:30:37.826
Spouse and that's true, but we can influence our spouse and we
00:30:37.826 --> 00:30:42.898
Do every single day we have a positive influence or
00:30:42.898 --> 00:30:45.701
Negative influence.
00:30:45.701 --> 00:30:47.202
So i think even if one person is willing to come to grips with
00:30:47.202 --> 00:30:50.406
These things and take their responsibility for their part in
00:30:50.406 --> 00:30:54.743
The healthy family, they're gonna have a positive influence
00:30:54.743 --> 00:30:57.546
On the other person.
00:30:57.546 --> 00:30:58.948
You know the scriptures say we love god 'cause god first
00:30:58.948 --> 00:31:02.084
Loved us.
00:31:02.084 --> 00:31:03.452
That same principle is true in a marriage.
00:31:03.452 --> 00:31:05.654
You love an unlovely spouse, you're having an influence on
00:31:05.654 --> 00:31:09.558
Them and love tends to stimulate love 'cause they realize they
00:31:09.558 --> 00:31:13.462
Don't deserve love if you're giving them love and they're not
00:31:13.462 --> 00:31:15.998
Wanting to participate, you know.
00:31:15.998 --> 00:31:17.499
So yeah, we can influence them.
00:31:17.499 --> 00:31:19.335
Kirk: boy, i mean, and i'm so glad that you draw everything
00:31:19.335 --> 00:31:22.538
From scripture.
00:31:22.538 --> 00:31:23.906
That everything points back to christ and his love for
00:31:23.906 --> 00:31:26.542
The church.
00:31:26.542 --> 00:31:28.143
Someone once had said to me when christ laid down his life for
00:31:28.143 --> 00:31:32.314
His bride, she was not a pretty thing.
00:31:32.314 --> 00:31:38.320
I mean, she was yelling, "crucify him."
00:31:38.320 --> 00:31:40.823
It was my sin that put him up on the cross and he died for me
00:31:40.823 --> 00:31:45.227
While i was a sinner.
00:31:45.227 --> 00:31:46.662
And so that's my model as a husband that you can't start
00:31:46.662 --> 00:31:50.099
Using excuses that my spouse or other people are not treating me
00:31:50.099 --> 00:31:54.403
The way that they should and that's why i don't have to
00:31:54.403 --> 00:31:57.773
Love them.
00:31:57.773 --> 00:31:59.108
No, no, no, it's the other way around.
00:31:59.108 --> 00:32:00.442
You love because he loved you.
00:32:00.442 --> 00:32:01.810
Dr. gary: it's unconditional love.
00:32:01.810 --> 00:32:03.479
Unconditional love.
00:32:03.479 --> 00:32:05.114
I'm gonna love you.
00:32:05.114 --> 00:32:06.749
I don't care what you do to me, how you treat me.
00:32:06.749 --> 00:32:08.550
I'm gonna--it's hard to walk away from that, you know, that
00:32:08.550 --> 00:32:11.787
Attitude and expressed in words and deeds and all that sort
00:32:11.787 --> 00:32:14.923
Of thing.
00:32:14.923 --> 00:32:16.258
Kirk: and of course there are--i wanna say exceptions, not as a
00:32:16.258 --> 00:32:19.461
Compromise, but there are abusive situations and we don't
00:32:19.461 --> 00:32:22.564
Stay in abusive situations, we have help for that.
00:32:22.564 --> 00:32:24.867
It's called the police.
00:32:24.867 --> 00:32:26.201
It's called get out of a dangerous situation and protect
00:32:26.201 --> 00:32:29.138
The children, right?
00:32:29.138 --> 00:32:30.472
So that's why we have counselors and that's why we have people
00:32:30.472 --> 00:32:32.641
Like you and others who can help with these things.
00:32:32.641 --> 00:32:36.245
Let's dive into the very first one, a family that has
00:32:36.245 --> 00:32:39.815
An attitude of service.
00:32:39.815 --> 00:32:42.084
Talk to us about why work and being willing to work and serve
00:32:42.084 --> 00:32:48.190
Is an important part of a healthy family.
00:32:48.190 --> 00:32:50.092
Dr. gary: serving other people is at the very heart of the
00:32:50.092 --> 00:32:53.162
Christian faith first of all.
00:32:53.162 --> 00:32:54.897
I mean, jesus said about himself, "the son of a man did
00:32:54.897 --> 00:32:58.000
Not come to be served, but to serve" and later as you
00:32:58.000 --> 00:33:01.470
Mentioned, give his life a ransom for others.
00:33:01.470 --> 00:33:04.073
So an attitude of service when you look at that when he says,
00:33:04.073 --> 00:33:07.609
"submitting yourselves one to another in the church" and then
00:33:07.609 --> 00:33:11.213
He says, "wives submit to your husbands."
00:33:11.213 --> 00:33:13.649
And it's an attitude of service.
00:33:13.649 --> 00:33:15.818
That's why the church exists.
00:33:15.818 --> 00:33:17.286
It wouldn't exist if we didn't have an attitude of serving
00:33:17.286 --> 00:33:19.755
People in the church and the same thing is true in
00:33:19.755 --> 00:33:22.124
The family.
00:33:22.124 --> 00:33:23.459
So, you know, the wife, it says wife serve your husband but what
00:33:23.459 --> 00:33:26.662
Does it say to husbands?
00:33:26.662 --> 00:33:28.030
Love your wife like christ loved the church and what did he do
00:33:28.030 --> 00:33:32.101
For the church?
00:33:32.101 --> 00:33:33.469
He died for the church.
00:33:33.469 --> 00:33:34.803
So the husband, it's not--submission it's not
00:33:34.803 --> 00:33:36.772
A female word.
00:33:36.772 --> 00:33:38.140
It's a christian word.
00:33:38.140 --> 00:33:39.908
Serve each other, you know, and then we serve our families,
00:33:39.908 --> 00:33:43.579
Our children.
00:33:43.579 --> 00:33:44.947
We have to do that when they're born they can do nothing.
00:33:44.947 --> 00:33:47.983
We have to do everything for them.
00:33:47.983 --> 00:33:49.918
And so what we wanna do is teach our children the christian life
00:33:49.918 --> 00:33:54.957
Is about serving other people.
00:33:54.957 --> 00:33:57.292
Daddy serves mother.
00:33:57.292 --> 00:33:58.660
Mother serves daddy.
00:33:58.660 --> 00:33:59.995
We serve you.
00:33:59.995 --> 00:34:01.363
And as they get a little older, you start letting them serve,
00:34:01.363 --> 00:34:03.632
You know.
00:34:03.632 --> 00:34:04.967
And one of the things i suggested here for example
00:34:04.967 --> 00:34:06.401
Is the children a little older you say, "tonight around the
00:34:06.401 --> 00:34:10.472
Table i want everybody to tell us how you serve somebody else
00:34:10.472 --> 00:34:13.308
In our family."
00:34:13.308 --> 00:34:14.643
So mother says, "well, i served you today by making
00:34:14.643 --> 00:34:16.812
Your oatmeal."
00:34:16.812 --> 00:34:18.180
Daddy said, i've served you today and little junior says,
00:34:18.180 --> 00:34:20.682
"well, i served susie by" and she says, "i served jane."
00:34:20.682 --> 00:34:24.520
We're just communicating to them, you know, this is what our
00:34:24.520 --> 00:34:28.657
Family is all about.
00:34:28.657 --> 00:34:30.025
And then you take it outside the family and teach them that our
00:34:30.025 --> 00:34:34.663
Family is about serving other people.
00:34:34.663 --> 00:34:36.265
When my kids were 10,11,12,13 i have a boy and a girl.
00:34:36.265 --> 00:34:40.836
I'd get them in the back of the car in the fall, put leaves, put
00:34:40.836 --> 00:34:45.107
Rakes in the trunk, drive through the neighborhood looking
00:34:45.107 --> 00:34:48.076
For yards that had not been raked with all the
00:34:48.076 --> 00:34:50.546
Fallen leaves.
00:34:50.546 --> 00:34:51.914
I knock on the door and say, "hi, i'm gary chapman.
00:34:51.914 --> 00:34:54.183
I live down the street and i'm trying to teach my children how
00:34:54.183 --> 00:34:56.518
To serve other people.
00:34:56.518 --> 00:34:57.853
If you don't mind, we'd like to rake your leaves."
00:34:57.853 --> 00:35:00.389
They'd say, "say what?" [laughing]
00:35:00.389 --> 00:35:03.091
I'd repeat my little speech.
00:35:03.091 --> 00:35:05.260
I've never had anybody that wouldn't let us rake
00:35:05.260 --> 00:35:06.962
Their leaves.
00:35:06.962 --> 00:35:08.297
I mean, most of them want to pay me for it.
00:35:08.297 --> 00:35:09.765
I said, no, no, no, i don't want money.
00:35:09.765 --> 00:35:11.099
I just want to teach my children how to serve other people.
00:35:11.099 --> 00:35:13.202
Kirk: that's beautiful.
00:35:13.202 --> 00:35:14.570
Dr. gary: and our kids have never forgotten that and they
00:35:14.570 --> 00:35:16.038
Both have grown up to adults and that's what they invest their
00:35:16.038 --> 00:35:18.774
Lives doing serving other people.
00:35:18.774 --> 00:35:21.143
Kirk: dr. chapman, you never stopped giving us hope and you
00:35:21.143 --> 00:35:24.112
Never stopped giving us practical suggestions to make
00:35:24.112 --> 00:35:27.516
Our families healthy.
00:35:27.516 --> 00:35:29.585
Dad, mom, children, everyone has a role in contributing to the
00:35:29.585 --> 00:35:33.889
Health of your family.
00:35:33.889 --> 00:35:35.524
We're gonna talk more with dr. chapman about each of these
00:35:35.524 --> 00:35:38.126
Roles right after the break.
00:35:38.126 --> 00:35:46.002
Roles right after the break.
00:35:46.002 --> 00:35:46.769
Kirk: we're back with dr. chapman.
00:35:53.443 --> 00:35:54.077
All right, we talked about these five traits of a healthy family
00:35:56.145 --> 00:35:59.115
And we touched on the first one having an attitude of service.
00:35:59.115 --> 00:36:02.385
I'd like to get into the others, for example, husbands and wives
00:36:02.385 --> 00:36:06.689
Who build intimate relationships, parents who
00:36:06.689 --> 00:36:10.526
Guide, children who obey and honor their parents, and
00:36:10.526 --> 00:36:13.863
Husbands and fathers who love, support, and lead.
00:36:13.863 --> 00:36:17.300
What are the steps that we can take to build marital intimacy?
00:36:17.300 --> 00:36:25.241
Dr. gary: you know, many times kirk, when people hear that
00:36:25.241 --> 00:36:27.644
Word, they think of the sexual part of marriage.
00:36:27.644 --> 00:36:30.947
Intimacy is far more than that.
00:36:30.947 --> 00:36:34.183
It's intellectual intimacy.
00:36:34.183 --> 00:36:36.619
For example, sharing our thoughts, you know, our ideas,
00:36:36.619 --> 00:36:40.623
Our dreams, our visions with each other.
00:36:40.623 --> 00:36:43.226
Kirk: that's right.
00:36:43.226 --> 00:36:44.594
Dr. gary: and some couples have lost it because they share an
00:36:44.594 --> 00:36:46.562
Idea and the spouse say, "well, that won't work," you know.
00:36:46.562 --> 00:36:49.799
No, in a healthy family we share our intellectual thoughts and
00:36:49.799 --> 00:36:53.202
Ideas and things.
00:36:53.202 --> 00:36:54.537
It's also spiritual intimacy.
00:36:54.537 --> 00:36:57.640
We're sharing our walk with god.
00:36:57.640 --> 00:36:59.642
I don't mean we're preaching to each other, you know, "i read
00:36:59.642 --> 00:37:01.678
This this morning and you need to hear it," you know.
00:37:01.678 --> 00:37:04.447
I mean, "honey, i read this in the bible this morning.
00:37:04.447 --> 00:37:06.482
This is so meaningful to me," you know, it's just sharing your
00:37:06.482 --> 00:37:09.285
Journey with god.
00:37:09.285 --> 00:37:10.653
And it's also emotional intimacy.
00:37:10.653 --> 00:37:13.189
Sharing our emotions and being able to free to share
00:37:13.189 --> 00:37:15.892
Our emotions.
00:37:15.892 --> 00:37:17.260
You know, honey, i have to be honest with you, i felt angry
00:37:17.260 --> 00:37:19.629
After i saw this or after i heard this, you know.
00:37:19.629 --> 00:37:22.799
And accepting each other's emotions working through the
00:37:22.799 --> 00:37:25.268
Emotions, emotional intimacy, social intimacy.
00:37:25.268 --> 00:37:29.339
Doing things outside the family with other people, you know.
00:37:29.339 --> 00:37:33.376
Getting out of the house together.
00:37:33.376 --> 00:37:34.877
And yes then there is physical intimacy to be sure, but in
00:37:34.877 --> 00:37:38.614
A healthy family, man, that's what we all dream of is having
00:37:38.614 --> 00:37:42.585
That kind of relationship.
00:37:42.585 --> 00:37:44.020
What i'm trying to do is help people see how you can build
00:37:44.020 --> 00:37:46.956
Those intimacy in those areas of life.
00:37:46.956 --> 00:37:49.826
Kirk: yeah, you're so right and now that i've been married for
00:37:49.826 --> 00:37:52.962
35 years and all of our children are either married or thinking
00:37:52.962 --> 00:37:56.466
About getting married, that biblical principle of a man and
00:37:56.466 --> 00:38:01.204
A woman becoming one flesh, it's a total oneness.
00:38:01.204 --> 00:38:04.941
It's not just a physical thing.
00:38:04.941 --> 00:38:06.576
It's of the heart and the soul and the mind and the emotions
00:38:06.576 --> 00:38:10.380
And all of these things and if you neglect one you damage
00:38:10.380 --> 00:38:13.983
The rest.
00:38:13.983 --> 00:38:15.651
And i found that, you know, many men they're embracing the call
00:38:15.651 --> 00:38:21.958
To be a provider and a protector, but they think more
00:38:21.958 --> 00:38:24.994
In tangible, physical terms and say, "well, i'm gonna protect."
00:38:24.994 --> 00:38:30.800
You know, i'll have my gun and i'll have, but there is
00:38:30.800 --> 00:38:33.169
An emotional protection of your wife's heart that is
00:38:33.169 --> 00:38:37.140
A prerequisite for her feeling able to be available
00:38:37.140 --> 00:38:44.380
Emotionally, intellectually and everything else and so it all
00:38:44.380 --> 00:38:49.419
Works together like you're saying.
00:38:49.419 --> 00:38:51.454
Dr. gary: it doesn't erase our individuality when we become
00:38:51.454 --> 00:38:54.290
One, but we're on the same team and we're helping each other
00:38:54.290 --> 00:38:58.828
Become the person god intended us to be.
00:38:58.828 --> 00:39:00.930
Kirk: yeah, well, another trait in your book is parents who
00:39:00.930 --> 00:39:07.236
Embrace their role as a guide for their children.
00:39:07.236 --> 00:39:10.606
And we've talked about obedience, we've talked about
00:39:10.606 --> 00:39:12.842
Rule setting.
00:39:12.842 --> 00:39:14.177
Is that particularly difficult for young parents today to see
00:39:14.177 --> 00:39:18.214
Themselves as a guide for their children?
00:39:18.214 --> 00:39:19.882
I would imagine that we live in such an individualistic society
00:39:19.882 --> 00:39:24.187
Sort of, you know, you do you live and let live, did the young
00:39:24.187 --> 00:39:30.993
Parents struggle with the concept of authoritative
00:39:30.993 --> 00:39:34.864
Guidance for their children?
00:39:34.864 --> 00:39:36.632
Dr. gary: i think many of them do because they've got this idea
00:39:36.632 --> 00:39:39.602
You won't let a child be free to be who they are.
00:39:39.602 --> 00:39:41.704
Kirk: yes, even change their own gender, right.
00:39:41.704 --> 00:39:44.707
Dr. gary: they're gonna be influenced by somebody else
00:39:44.707 --> 00:39:46.909
If you don't influence them, you know.
00:39:46.909 --> 00:39:49.045
And so, you know, the words in the ephesian--there is to
00:39:49.045 --> 00:39:53.082
Bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the lord.
00:39:53.082 --> 00:39:56.819
The word admonition literally means putting into the mind.
00:39:56.819 --> 00:40:01.057
It is using words.
00:40:01.057 --> 00:40:02.658
The word teach them things.
00:40:02.658 --> 00:40:05.228
But the other word has to do with actions training them so
00:40:05.228 --> 00:40:09.932
We're teaching and training them.
00:40:09.932 --> 00:40:12.001
We're using words and actions to help them learn how to live.
00:40:12.001 --> 00:40:16.539
Kirk: yeah, i mentioned to you that i recently became a
00:40:16.539 --> 00:40:18.941
Grandfather and i'm trying to guide my family, not just my
00:40:18.941 --> 00:40:24.847
Children, but guide a whole new generation by doing things that
00:40:24.847 --> 00:40:32.522
Will give them ideas to not just serve one another but to serve
00:40:32.522 --> 00:40:36.559
Outside the family like you mentioned.
00:40:36.559 --> 00:40:38.794
This august i've organized something with some friends of
00:40:38.794 --> 00:40:41.831
Mine called the national see you at the library day.
00:40:41.831 --> 00:40:46.235
And essentially we're inviting families from all over the
00:40:46.235 --> 00:40:48.604
Country to go to their public library and sing the national
00:40:48.604 --> 00:40:52.108
Anthem, pray to the lord, ask for his blessing and protection
00:40:52.108 --> 00:40:56.245
And then read children's books of christian virtue
00:40:56.245 --> 00:41:00.383
And character.
00:41:00.383 --> 00:41:01.751
And we did this last summer and it was a huge hit.
00:41:01.751 --> 00:41:04.153
This summer we're hoping to have over 500 public libraries
00:41:04.153 --> 00:41:07.657
Simultaneously celebrating american biblical constitutional
00:41:07.657 --> 00:41:12.228
Values and turning our hearts back to god to save our country.
00:41:12.228 --> 00:41:15.965
And i'm hoping that that this will serve as a bit of a guide
00:41:15.965 --> 00:41:21.237
For these kids, grandkids, and grandparents to say you can do
00:41:21.237 --> 00:41:25.374
Something about our culture.
00:41:25.374 --> 00:41:26.876
You don't have to just sit and and lament and wait for
00:41:26.876 --> 00:41:30.279
The rapture.
00:41:30.279 --> 00:41:31.614
You can actually go out there and shape culture by
00:41:31.614 --> 00:41:33.883
Doing something.
00:41:33.883 --> 00:41:35.217
Dr. gary: wonderful, wow.
00:41:35.217 --> 00:41:37.186
Kirk: thank you.
00:41:37.186 --> 00:41:38.554
Dr. chapman, last time we talked about five apology languages for
00:41:38.554 --> 00:41:43.125
One of your other books.
00:41:43.125 --> 00:41:45.428
How do apology languages factor into healthy families?
00:41:45.428 --> 00:41:50.733
Dr. gary: parents are not perfect.
00:41:50.733 --> 00:41:52.935
We don't have to be perfect, but we do have to deal with
00:41:52.935 --> 00:41:55.805
Our failures.
00:41:55.805 --> 00:41:57.506
So if i as a husband yell at my wife in anger and my kids hear
00:41:57.506 --> 00:42:02.845
That, i need not only to apologize to my wife, i need to
00:42:02.845 --> 00:42:07.183
Apologize to my children.
00:42:07.183 --> 00:42:09.485
And when we apologize to our children we're teaching them
00:42:09.485 --> 00:42:12.388
A skill they're going to need because they're not gonna be
00:42:12.388 --> 00:42:14.624
Perfect either.
00:42:14.624 --> 00:42:15.992
You don't have to be perfect to have healthy families, but we
00:42:15.992 --> 00:42:18.761
Have to deal with our failures and that means apologizing and
00:42:18.761 --> 00:42:21.397
Forgiving each other.
00:42:21.397 --> 00:42:22.732
It's a tremendous trait that children learn if they learn how
00:42:22.732 --> 00:42:26.535
To apologize and then how to forgive people.
00:42:26.535 --> 00:42:28.738
It's something they're gonna need the rest of their life.
00:42:28.738 --> 00:42:31.774
So yeah, that's how the apology fits into the whole thing.
00:42:31.774 --> 00:42:35.478
Kirk: so one of the best things that i can do, this is my
00:42:35.478 --> 00:42:38.114
Takeaway from you, is become good at apologizing when you
00:42:38.114 --> 00:42:45.521
Make a mistake and model that for your children so that they
00:42:45.521 --> 00:42:48.557
Learn and they say to themselves, "well, i really blew
00:42:48.557 --> 00:42:52.461
It, should i just cover it up and not tell my wife, or should
00:42:52.461 --> 00:42:56.599
I confess and forsake my sin and genuinely apologize and ask
00:42:56.599 --> 00:43:02.238
For forgiveness?"
00:43:02.238 --> 00:43:04.907
These are lessons we don't think about teaching our children
00:43:04.907 --> 00:43:09.612
Because we wanna act like we've already learned them ourselves
00:43:09.612 --> 00:43:13.482
And we don't need to show them how to do it.
00:43:13.482 --> 00:43:15.985
Dr. gary: and we will never have long term healthy relationships
00:43:15.985 --> 00:43:19.255
On any level if we don't learn to apologize and forgive.
00:43:19.255 --> 00:43:25.528
Kirk: dr. chapman, the final trait here of a healthy family
00:43:25.528 --> 00:43:30.066
You say is fathers who love and lead.
00:43:30.066 --> 00:43:35.071
Why is fathers loving and leading so important when we
00:43:35.071 --> 00:43:38.674
Often think about motherhood nurturing and caring for the
00:43:38.674 --> 00:43:43.512
Children as central?
00:43:43.512 --> 00:43:45.347
What is the role of a father to love and lead?
00:43:45.347 --> 00:43:48.284
Dr. gary: well, you know, the passage in ephesians says the
00:43:48.284 --> 00:43:51.120
Husband's the head of the wife as christ is the head of
00:43:51.120 --> 00:43:53.422
The church.
00:43:53.422 --> 00:43:54.890
Contemporary people have often taken contemporary examples and
00:43:54.890 --> 00:43:58.561
Say, "well that means he's the president, she's the
00:43:58.561 --> 00:44:00.596
Vice president."
00:44:00.596 --> 00:44:02.164
No, no, no.
00:44:02.164 --> 00:44:03.532
The model is jesus.
00:44:03.532 --> 00:44:05.468
He's the leader as christ is the leader of the church.
00:44:05.468 --> 00:44:08.904
What did the leader do?
00:44:08.904 --> 00:44:10.272
He died for the church.
00:44:10.272 --> 00:44:12.308
That's why loving and leader should always go together.
00:44:12.308 --> 00:44:15.611
It's not just, you know, leader, it's a loving leader which means
00:44:15.611 --> 00:44:19.081
He takes the initiative as christ took the initiative for
00:44:19.081 --> 00:44:22.384
Us he takes the initiative for the benefit of his wife and
00:44:22.384 --> 00:44:25.988
The benefit of his children.
00:44:25.988 --> 00:44:28.023
Oh man, that's so important not only in the marriage, but for
00:44:28.023 --> 00:44:31.827
Those children to see a model of a father who takes initiative in
00:44:31.827 --> 00:44:36.565
Meeting his wife's needs putting her number one on his to do
00:44:36.565 --> 00:44:40.603
List, you know, how can i help you?
00:44:40.603 --> 00:44:42.872
How can i make your life easier, you know, how can i be
00:44:42.872 --> 00:44:45.574
A better husband?
00:44:45.574 --> 00:44:46.909
He has that attitude toward her.
00:44:46.909 --> 00:44:48.677
And she has that attitude toward him.
00:44:48.677 --> 00:44:51.180
Man, we're giving them a model of what christian marriage is
00:44:51.180 --> 00:44:54.283
All about.
00:44:54.283 --> 00:44:55.651
And so but him taking the leadership, you know, in simple
00:44:55.651 --> 00:44:59.488
Thing in spiritual things in terms of having a time each day
00:44:59.488 --> 00:45:02.858
In which we as a family share depending on the age of the
00:45:02.858 --> 00:45:05.828
Children, you know, we share biblical things together
00:45:05.828 --> 00:45:08.264
With each other.
00:45:08.264 --> 00:45:09.598
And praying with the children, it's living and it's
00:45:09.598 --> 00:45:12.334
Demonstrating the christian life with them.
00:45:12.334 --> 00:45:14.670
And the husband takes the leadership in this but certainly
00:45:14.670 --> 00:45:17.573
The wife is involved in this, you know, to be sure.
00:45:17.573 --> 00:45:20.509
Kirk: yeah, yeah, and i think deep in the heart of every man
00:45:20.509 --> 00:45:25.581
Is a desire to lead and to love and to take initiative in these
00:45:25.581 --> 00:45:32.354
Kinds of things and i hear the scriptures telling us don't sit
00:45:32.354 --> 00:45:35.724
Back and wait for somebody else to make the first move.
00:45:35.724 --> 00:45:38.794
Don't come up with excuses as to why you can't do it perfectly or
00:45:38.794 --> 00:45:42.097
Your father didn't lead and love you and so therefore, no.
00:45:42.097 --> 00:45:47.236
Like, you said, you don't have to repeat the mistakes that you
00:45:47.236 --> 00:45:51.740
Grew up with.
00:45:51.740 --> 00:45:53.075
You can be the first link in a brand new chain and you can
00:45:53.075 --> 00:45:57.413
Begin forging the future of future generations and create
00:45:57.413 --> 00:46:01.917
A family dynasty of love and leadership and health.
00:46:01.917 --> 00:46:07.356
By you just drawing down on the spirit of god and the power of
00:46:07.356 --> 00:46:12.661
These principles and the word of god and then translated into
00:46:12.661 --> 00:46:16.832
Practical steps here in a book like yours and make your family
00:46:16.832 --> 00:46:21.837
Healthy but even more than that, you doing that as a father and
00:46:21.837 --> 00:46:26.175
A husband now models for your daughters, what kind of man to
00:46:26.175 --> 00:46:31.046
Look for when she gets married and models for your sons, what
00:46:31.046 --> 00:46:33.849
Kind of husband and father to be when he gets married.
00:46:33.849 --> 00:46:36.585
And now you're talking about generational health.
00:46:36.585 --> 00:46:39.722
Dr. gary: absolutely and that's why i think having healthy
00:46:39.722 --> 00:46:42.124
Families are so important.
00:46:42.124 --> 00:46:43.826
It's gonna be turned around one generation at a time and we've
00:46:43.826 --> 00:46:47.229
Been going in a downward direction now for a long time
00:46:47.229 --> 00:46:50.866
In family life and it's time that we turn it around.
00:46:50.866 --> 00:46:53.302
And if anybody has the ability to do this, it's christians
00:46:53.302 --> 00:46:57.640
Because we have outside help.
00:46:57.640 --> 00:46:59.208
We're not limited to our own abilities.
00:46:59.208 --> 00:47:01.343
Romans chapter 5 and verse 5, the love of god is poured into
00:47:01.343 --> 00:47:05.047
Our hearts by the holy spirit.
00:47:05.047 --> 00:47:07.082
So, you know, even if your spouse is not treating you well,
00:47:07.082 --> 00:47:09.952
You can say, "lord, you know i don't have many positive
00:47:09.952 --> 00:47:12.321
Feelings for them they're not treating me too well, but i know
00:47:12.321 --> 00:47:14.957
You love them so i'm opening my heart for your love and i'll
00:47:14.957 --> 00:47:18.827
Just be the instrument and i love them even though i don't
00:47:18.827 --> 00:47:21.330
Feel positive about them."
00:47:21.330 --> 00:47:23.265
We can even love them when they're unlovely just like god
00:47:23.265 --> 00:47:26.001
Loves us when we're unlovely.
00:47:26.001 --> 00:47:27.870
So you know if you're in a family, you have to start where
00:47:27.870 --> 00:47:32.241
You are and if it's in trouble then okay, let's begin to take
00:47:32.241 --> 00:47:36.445
Some steps to move in the right direction and i think the
00:47:36.445 --> 00:47:39.014
Practical things in this book will help couples do that.
00:47:39.014 --> 00:47:41.884
Kirk: we've talked about the importance of marital intimacy
00:47:41.884 --> 00:47:46.121
And husbands and fathers loving and leading.
00:47:46.121 --> 00:47:48.490
What about the single moms out there?
00:47:48.490 --> 00:47:50.392
Can they put these principles into practice?
00:47:50.392 --> 00:47:53.495
Dr. gary: you know, i have a deep respect for single moms
00:47:53.495 --> 00:47:56.865
Because they're carrying a load of raising children alone and
00:47:56.865 --> 00:48:02.037
One of the things i say to them is you don't have to be alone.
00:48:02.037 --> 00:48:06.075
Let other men in your life, the people of the church, speak into
00:48:06.075 --> 00:48:10.813
The lives of your children, you know, as well.
00:48:10.813 --> 00:48:13.582
You're playing a major role.
00:48:13.582 --> 00:48:15.217
God bless you as a single mom, you know, i just have great
00:48:15.217 --> 00:48:18.687
Respect for them.
00:48:18.687 --> 00:48:20.055
And i think we need to pray, as a church we need to be thinking
00:48:20.055 --> 00:48:22.691
In terms of how can we help single moms and get their
00:48:22.691 --> 00:48:26.228
Children a positive male influence in their life as well.
00:48:26.228 --> 00:48:31.433
And that's where i think the church can be a real help to
00:48:31.433 --> 00:48:33.902
Single moms.
00:48:33.902 --> 00:48:35.237
So a single mom i'd say, you know, gear into the church and
00:48:35.237 --> 00:48:38.273
Let the church help you in this process.
00:48:38.273 --> 00:48:40.409
Kirk: that's right. this is terrific.
00:48:40.409 --> 00:48:42.644
Thank you so much for writing this book and thanks for
00:48:42.644 --> 00:48:44.646
Coming on "takeaways."
00:48:44.646 --> 00:48:46.015
Dr. gary: well, thank you.
00:48:46.015 --> 00:48:47.349
Always joy to be with you.
00:48:47.349 --> 00:48:48.717
Kirk: thank you.
00:48:48.717 --> 00:48:50.052
After the break we'll review today's "takeaways."
00:48:50.052 --> 00:48:58.005
After the break we'll review today's "takeaways."
00:48:58.005 --> 00:48:59.361
Kirk: it was great to be joined by rebecca st. james, cubbie
00:49:06.001 --> 00:49:07.036
Fink, and dr. gary chapman to talk about what it takes to have
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Thriving relationships in our families.
00:49:12.941 --> 00:49:15.544
Let's talk takeaways.
00:49:15.544 --> 00:49:17.880
See the gifts from god.
00:49:17.880 --> 00:49:19.948
Wasn't it refreshing to hear rebecca share her perspective on
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Viewing all the good things in our lives as gifts from god?
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I mean, that kind of thinking shifts us out of a pride and
00:49:28.057 --> 00:49:32.327
Entitlement where we might be saying, "well, well look what i
00:49:32.327 --> 00:49:35.064
Built, this is what i deserve" and brings us into an attitude
00:49:35.064 --> 00:49:38.834
Of gratitude.
00:49:38.834 --> 00:49:40.502
It reminds us that everything good in our lives is
00:49:40.502 --> 00:49:44.073
A reflection of his generosity and grace.
00:49:44.073 --> 00:49:47.843
Each of us has been given unique gifts and we're called to use
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Them faithfully.
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So this week, take time to pause and thank god for the gifts that
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He's given you in this season.
00:49:56.652 --> 00:49:59.521
Someone once said, "gratitude is the attitude that determines the
00:49:59.521 --> 00:50:03.792
Altitude of our living."
00:50:03.792 --> 00:50:06.695
Hold on to the goodness of god.
00:50:06.695 --> 00:50:09.131
I also really appreciated the honesty that rebecca and cubbie
00:50:09.131 --> 00:50:12.734
Shared about the more difficult parts of their story.
00:50:12.734 --> 00:50:16.271
The truth is we all walk through seasons of pain and hardship,
00:50:16.271 --> 00:50:20.876
But even in those moments as people of faith, rebecca's
00:50:20.876 --> 00:50:24.279
Encouragement rings true, doesn't it?
00:50:24.279 --> 00:50:26.715
Hold on to the goodness of god.
00:50:26.715 --> 00:50:30.018
What does that look like?
00:50:30.018 --> 00:50:31.420
Well, it means remembering his past faithfulness.
00:50:31.420 --> 00:50:34.857
It means trusting his heart even when circumstances don't
00:50:34.857 --> 00:50:39.094
Make sense.
00:50:39.094 --> 00:50:40.462
It means finding rest in god's love even when life feels heavy.
00:50:40.462 --> 00:50:45.634
No matter what the season you're in, god is being faithful to you
00:50:45.634 --> 00:50:49.571
In your story.
00:50:49.571 --> 00:50:50.939
You can trust him.
00:50:50.939 --> 00:50:52.574
Ask how did i serve today?
00:50:52.574 --> 00:50:54.977
What a powerful challenge and example from dr. gary chapman
00:50:54.977 --> 00:50:58.680
Encouraging families not only to reflect on how they served one
00:50:58.680 --> 00:51:02.584
Another each day, but actively looking for ways to serve others
00:51:02.584 --> 00:51:07.256
Outside the home.
00:51:07.256 --> 00:51:08.690
One beautiful example he took his kids to rake the neighbors
00:51:08.690 --> 00:51:12.895
Leaves, not just to get the job done, but to teach his kids the
00:51:12.895 --> 00:51:17.533
Value of serving with intention.
00:51:17.533 --> 00:51:20.836
This week look for opportunities to involve your kids in acts of
00:51:20.836 --> 00:51:25.040
Service in your community.
00:51:25.040 --> 00:51:27.276
That might be helping a neighbor or volunteering or simply
00:51:27.276 --> 00:51:31.313
Showing kindness.
00:51:31.313 --> 00:51:33.015
These kinds of moments can shape their character and then ask the
00:51:33.015 --> 00:51:37.819
Question, how did i serve today?
00:51:37.819 --> 00:51:40.455
It's a simple habit that can help form a servant-hearted
00:51:40.455 --> 00:51:43.992
Family culture.
00:51:43.992 --> 00:51:46.461
Apologize well.
00:51:46.461 --> 00:51:48.764
We've had the blessing of speaking with dr. chapman twice
00:51:48.764 --> 00:51:51.767
On "takeaways" and one of the more practical conversations has
00:51:51.767 --> 00:51:55.337
Been the one about apology languages and how they apply to
00:51:55.337 --> 00:51:59.241
Building healthy families.
00:51:59.241 --> 00:52:01.710
As parents, one of the most powerful things we can do is
00:52:01.710 --> 00:52:04.947
Model a sincere apology when we mess up.
00:52:04.947 --> 00:52:09.117
It shows our children that humility, accountability, and
00:52:09.117 --> 00:52:13.021
Reconciliation are real and important parts
00:52:13.021 --> 00:52:17.092
Of relationships.
00:52:17.092 --> 00:52:18.727
When kids see us apologize well, when we acknowledge our wrongs,
00:52:18.727 --> 00:52:23.966
When we express regret and ask for forgiveness, they learn how
00:52:23.966 --> 00:52:28.971
To do the same thing in their own lives.
00:52:28.971 --> 00:52:32.641
Apologizing doesn't weaken our authority as parents,
00:52:32.641 --> 00:52:36.245
It actually deepens our relationships and strengthens
00:52:36.245 --> 00:52:40.215
Our influence.
00:52:40.215 --> 00:52:41.850
That's all for this episode of "takeaways."
00:52:41.850 --> 00:52:43.719
Thank you for watching.
00:52:43.719 --> 00:52:45.087
And if you've enjoyed this show, don't forget to set your dvr so
00:52:45.087 --> 00:52:48.824
You never miss an episode.
00:52:48.824 --> 00:52:50.692
And of course, you can always catch up on past episodes by
00:52:50.692 --> 00:52:53.662
Searching for "takeaways" on tbn+ or by visiting the kirk
00:52:53.662 --> 00:52:58.100
Cameron on tbn youtube channel.
00:52:58.100 --> 00:53:01.103
We'll see you here next time for more great conversations.
00:53:01.103 --> 00:53:05.407
♪♪♪
00:53:05.474 --> 00:53:05.474

Rebecca St. James, Cubbie Fink, & Gary Chapman: Applying Godly Advice for Healthy Relationships | Takeaways with Kirk Cameron

July 21, 2025 | 55:2

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