Healing Through Forgiveness | Better Together | TBN

Healing Through Forgiveness | Better Together

Watch Healing Through Forgiveness | Better Together
January 17, 2020
26:08

Should we forgive even when we don't receive an apology? Are you ready to unlock the healing power of forgiveness? | TBN Prayer Line: 1-888-731-1000

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Healing Through Forgiveness | Better Together

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  • - It's time to let go of ourpain, and turn towards freedom.
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  • Can forgiveness lead us tohealing and make us whole again?
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  • Let's talk about it.
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  • (light music)
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  • - My mom and my dad hadbeen married for 13 years,
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  • before she was pregnant, whenshe got pregnant with me,
  • 00:00:39.551 --> 00:00:42.488
  • and she was actually angry,
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  • because she didn'twanna have children.
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  • She came from areally large family,
  • 00:00:46.458 --> 00:00:48.760
  • they were very, very poor,
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  • and she said that shenever wanted to have kids.
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  • But my dad was so excited,like, he wanted to have children
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  • from the moment they got married
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  • and six monthsinto her pregnancy,
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  • he started to havesome stomach pain,
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  • and so he went to thedoctor just to find out
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  • what was going on, and heended up getting diagnosed
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  • with terminal stomach cancer,
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  • and they gave himsix months to live,
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  • and,
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  • I remember my aunttelling me that,
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  • he just was so crushed.
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  • I mean as you canimagine waiting 13years to have a child,
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  • and now you're gonnafinally have a child
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  • and you're probably notgonna see them go to school,
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  • and so, he lived up until
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  • about a month shy ofmy second birthday.
  • 00:01:31.270 --> 00:01:35.007
  • But, my mom who hassignificant mental illness,
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  • she was just reallyunstable and he was worried
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  • that should somethinghappen to him,
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  • that I would grow up ina very unstable situation
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  • and so, after he passed,
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  • my mom actuallymoved us to Florida.
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  • I grew up in New Jersey,I was born in New Jersey,
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  • moved us to Florida, followingafter a guy she barely knew,
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  • and, I think they broke up like,shortly after we got there.
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  • I was like, literallylike, two, so I was young,
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  • but, a parade of men camein and out of our life
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  • over the next two yearsand by the time I was four,
  • 00:02:05.404 --> 00:02:07.539
  • she met a guy who becameher live in boyfriend,
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  • and I'll never forget,her sister passed away,
  • 00:02:10.609 --> 00:02:13.178
  • and I was almost five years old,
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  • and this guy, I just knewsomething was wrong with him.
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  • Like, he would hold me closeto his body, too tight,
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  • for too long, and I justnever felt safe around him.
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  • And so, when hersister passed away,
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  • she told me that she hadto go back to New Jersey,
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  • and she was like, "I'mgonna leave you with him,
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  • "for just a few days."
  • 00:02:31.863 --> 00:02:33.031
  • - Oh my gosh.
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  • - And I said to her, I was like,
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  • "No Mommy, pleasetake me with you,
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  • I won't ask foranything, I'll be good."
  • 00:02:36.368 --> 00:02:38.270
  • But she couldn't affordanother plane ticket,
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  • so she left me with him.
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  • And that night Ilocked my bedroom door,
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  • because, I mean I'm only five,
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  • but I knew I wasnot safe with him.
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  • And, he used a straightenedwire hanger to pick the lock,
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  • and he came in the roomthat night and violated me,
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  • and I, even now, like,
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  • the smell of beer,on someones breath,
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  • it takes me back to that moment.
  • 00:03:05.464 --> 00:03:07.866
  • And for several yearsafter that happened,
  • 00:03:07.866 --> 00:03:10.736
  • he continued to abuse me,and after he would do it,
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  • he would always say, "Youbetter not tell your mom,
  • 00:03:13.605 --> 00:03:15.340
  • "or else she'll get rid of you,
  • 00:03:15.340 --> 00:03:16.575
  • "because she doesn'twant you anyway."
  • 00:03:16.575 --> 00:03:18.877
  • And I figured in mylittle mind, I was like
  • 00:03:18.877 --> 00:03:20.812
  • "well she must be sayingthat she doesn't want me"
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  • 'cause, you know, howwould he know this?"
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  • - And you're five?
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  • - Yeah, I was five, andso, I didn't say anything
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  • until I was aboutseven years old,
  • 00:03:27.719 --> 00:03:29.821
  • when I finally told mymom, 'cause it was just,
  • 00:03:29.821 --> 00:03:31.323
  • it got to the point where Ijust, I didn't wanna go home,
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  • I was feeling sick, andshe had him arrested.
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  • And I was so excited,
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  • I was glad that hewas out of the house,
  • 00:03:38.130 --> 00:03:39.598
  • and I thought I was safe, buton the day of his release,
  • 00:03:39.598 --> 00:03:43.168
  • she took me with her, tothe jail, to pick him up.
  • 00:03:43.168 --> 00:03:46.371
  • - Oh my gosh.
  • 00:03:47.239 --> 00:03:48.707
  • - She brought him back homeand, he continued to violate me,
  • 00:03:48.707 --> 00:03:51.843
  • routinely, because atthat point he knew,
  • 00:03:51.843 --> 00:03:54.413
  • like he basically hadfree access becauseshe took him back.
  • 00:03:54.413 --> 00:03:58.483
  • And my mom wasphysically abusive,
  • 00:03:58.483 --> 00:04:00.452
  • while he was sexually abusive,
  • 00:04:00.452 --> 00:04:01.887
  • and I would act out in school,
  • 00:04:01.887 --> 00:04:04.089
  • because there was somuch chaos at home,
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  • I couldn't focus.
  • 00:04:06.158 --> 00:04:07.659
  • And so, I would getpunished at school
  • 00:04:07.659 --> 00:04:08.994
  • for acting out at school.
  • 00:04:08.994 --> 00:04:10.062
  • And I, at nine years old,
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  • I decided to drinklaundry detergent,
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  • 'cause I wanted to end my life.
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  • I had saw a TV program
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  • where a toddler diedfrom drinking bleach.
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  • And I thought that would end it.
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  • But I just ended upgetting really sick,
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  • and two years after that, mymom choked me to the point
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  • where I thought Iwas going to die.
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  • I thought I was gonnadie, and I lived,
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  • but I was so hopeless andhelpless that I decided
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  • that I wanted to end my life,
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  • and so I took a butcherknife, slit both of my wrists,
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  • I still have a scar on my leftwrist from when it happened,
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  • and I didn't die, butthere was something in me
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  • that was so angry, so bitter,
  • 00:04:47.899 --> 00:04:51.103
  • that I carried thatinto my adulthood.
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  • Like I had this bitterness,and God blessed,
  • 00:04:55.607 --> 00:04:58.577
  • I was so successful in school,
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  • I was able to channelthat trauma into success,
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  • but it was still there,
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  • to the point where I wouldlash out at my husband,
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  • and I would just bereally short with people.
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  • And I got to a place wheremy success took me so far,
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  • but I was so emptyand so broken,
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  • that I knew something was wrong,
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  • and God began to show me, justthrough different situations,
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  • that there was ground, thatneeded to be reclaimed,
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  • because my mother wasstill affecting me,
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  • her boyfriend wasstill affecting me.
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  • And I said, "Lord, whatis it that I need to do?"
  • 00:05:32.144 --> 00:05:34.546
  • And God showed methat there was,
  • 00:05:34.546 --> 00:05:36.982
  • there was like a tethering,that had happened,
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  • to where I did not havethe ability to let it go,
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  • because I kept blamingthem for what happened.
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  • I had a great lifeby that point.
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  • Family that loved me.
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  • Husband that loved me.
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  • But I was so tetheredto the pain of my past,
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  • that I could not enjoy thelife that God had created.
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  • And I literally had to learn
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  • that the only way you canget free from that pain,
  • 00:05:59.704 --> 00:06:03.208
  • is you have to let thepeople who hurt you, go.
  • 00:06:03.208 --> 00:06:07.012
  • Now the only way todo that is to forgive.
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  • And forgiveness is notsomething that you do
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  • because they're okayand it wasn't that bad.
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  • I learned that it'ssomething you do
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  • because you don't wantthe pain of your past
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  • to control the promiseof your future.
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  • - Yeah, sure.
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  • - And that's what was happening.
  • 00:06:23.028 --> 00:06:24.496
  • Is the past was literallycontrolling my future.
  • 00:06:24.496 --> 00:06:27.666
  • I saw everything through thelens of what happened to me.
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  • It didn't matterhow good it was.
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  • I saw it through the lensof what happened to me.
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  • And I think that'sthe challenge though.
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  • Is recognizing thatwhat happened to you
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  • can only be rectifiedby making the decision
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  • to forgive thepeople that did it.
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  • - The only way we can forgive is
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  • through the spirit of Jesus.
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  • You may not feel it, youmay not, you know, sense it,
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  • but the act offorgiveness is for you
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  • and it releases thatperson to the hand
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  • of justice and mercywhich is the Lord.
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  • And so God knowsand He's not slow.
  • 00:07:00.599 --> 00:07:03.001
  • He's not slow with this,
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  • with the way He doesjustice, but believe me,
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  • He will have it.
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  • And I just want tobe a help to you.
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  • For some of you that havebeen brewing over memories,
  • 00:07:10.175 --> 00:07:14.646
  • brewing over things, stewinginto some of these scenarios
  • 00:07:14.646 --> 00:07:19.651
  • that happened years ago andyet when you talk about it,
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  • it feels like it justhappened yesterday.
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  • That's the stuffI'm talking about.
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  • My encouragement to you isto forgive, to release it.
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  • You'll be better for it.
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  • You won't buy yourself moretime if you keep thinking on it,
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  • keep ruminating on it,keep holding on to it.
  • 00:07:37.102 --> 00:07:40.438
  • You're poisoning yourself,you're wishing death on someone
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  • when actually death is happeningto you in your own inside,
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  • your mentality, yourheart, your family,
  • 00:07:47.712 --> 00:07:49.981
  • your kids are tiredof hearing about it,
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  • your husband is tired of you
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  • spilling the beansover and over again.
  • 00:07:54.486 --> 00:07:56.788
  • Reliving the trauma.
  • 00:07:56.788 --> 00:07:58.356
  • It gets tiresome and you'rethe only one living in that.
  • 00:07:58.356 --> 00:08:01.593
  • Stuck in that mode,stuck in that place
  • 00:08:01.593 --> 00:08:03.962
  • and you'll never be freefrom it until you forgive.
  • 00:08:03.962 --> 00:08:07.365
  • I'm just telling youfor your own benefit.
  • 00:08:07.365 --> 00:08:09.734
  • I'm helping a sister out,helping a brother out,
  • 00:08:09.734 --> 00:08:13.138
  • just release them.
  • 00:08:13.138 --> 00:08:14.439
  • I promise you, you'llbe better for it.
  • 00:08:14.439 --> 00:08:16.408
  • - Did either of them, eitheryour mother or her boyfriend,
  • 00:08:17.842 --> 00:08:20.745
  • did either of them everask for forgiveness?
  • 00:08:20.745 --> 00:08:23.548
  • - So, they didn'task for forgiveness.
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  • My mum told me, in her way,
  • 00:08:29.220 --> 00:08:31.656
  • this is a littleof what she said.
  • 00:08:31.656 --> 00:08:33.091
  • She said "you know, I didn'tmean for it to happen,
  • 00:08:33.091 --> 00:08:35.794
  • but you know, you wanted awhole lot of stuff and so,
  • 00:08:35.794 --> 00:08:38.830
  • you know, I had tohave him in the house
  • 00:08:38.830 --> 00:08:40.699
  • so that he could help pay forthe stuff that you wanted."
  • 00:08:40.699 --> 00:08:43.668
  • She told me another time.
  • 00:08:43.668 --> 00:08:45.203
  • She said "I know it was bad,it shouldn't have happened,
  • 00:08:45.203 --> 00:08:48.673
  • but it wouldn't have happened
  • 00:08:48.673 --> 00:08:49.841
  • if you woulda justkept your legs closed."
  • 00:08:49.841 --> 00:08:52.077
  • - So, it's your fault.
  • 00:08:52.077 --> 00:08:53.044
  • That's your fault.
  • 00:08:53.044 --> 00:08:54.479
  • - Oh yeah, it was myfault and it was my fault.
  • 00:08:54.479 --> 00:08:55.981
  • And, I carried that anger, Icarried that identity with me.
  • 00:08:55.981 --> 00:08:59.484
  • I mean, not onlydid he basically saythat it was my fault,
  • 00:08:59.484 --> 00:09:01.653
  • she said it was my fault.
  • 00:09:01.653 --> 00:09:03.154
  • I carried it with me tothe point where I was like
  • 00:09:03.154 --> 00:09:05.390
  • "I'm defective.
  • 00:09:05.390 --> 00:09:06.725
  • Something is wrong with me.
  • 00:09:06.725 --> 00:09:08.293
  • No matter where my namesits on an org chart,
  • 00:09:08.293 --> 00:09:10.762
  • I don't deserve to be there."
  • 00:09:10.762 --> 00:09:12.964
  • - Yeah, self-doubt.
  • 00:09:12.964 --> 00:09:13.832
  • - Self-doubt.
  • 00:09:13.832 --> 00:09:15.000
  • - Self-loathing too.
  • 00:09:15.000 --> 00:09:16.134
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:09:16.134 --> 00:09:16.968
  • - Terrible.
  • 00:09:16.968 --> 00:09:18.470
  • - And I got to a place in God,I mean literally like tears
  • 00:09:18.470 --> 00:09:21.673
  • snort bubbles, all of that,
  • 00:09:21.673 --> 00:09:23.742
  • where I was like "Lord Icannot go on like this.
  • 00:09:23.742 --> 00:09:26.578
  • I cannot go on like thiswhere this situation
  • 00:09:26.578 --> 00:09:29.147
  • is literally controlling howI see everything in my life."
  • 00:09:29.147 --> 00:09:31.850
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:09:31.850 --> 00:09:33.385
  • - And God told me, God said"you have to forgive them."
  • 00:09:33.385 --> 00:09:37.656
  • - How do you even begin?
  • 00:09:38.390 --> 00:09:39.190
  • How do you start that?
  • 00:09:39.190 --> 00:09:40.125
  • - How did that look for you?
  • 00:09:40.125 --> 00:09:41.760
  • Because I know thatGod in His great mercy
  • 00:09:41.760 --> 00:09:46.097
  • gives us the strength to do that
  • 00:09:46.097 --> 00:09:47.932
  • and I love, I listen,Steven Furtick
  • 00:09:47.932 --> 00:09:51.136
  • is one of my favorite preachers
  • 00:09:51.136 --> 00:09:53.038
  • and he talked about forgivenessin God, Jesus in His grace,
  • 00:09:53.038 --> 00:09:58.043
  • in His mercy when He saidto forgive 70 times seven,
  • 00:09:59.511 --> 00:10:03.214
  • wasn't for that personjust to keep violating.
  • 00:10:04.382 --> 00:10:06.985
  • He said it might take you70 times seven times a day
  • 00:10:06.985 --> 00:10:11.656
  • to forgive.
  • 00:10:11.656 --> 00:10:13.191
  • And I believe wedo that in faith
  • 00:10:14.426 --> 00:10:17.295
  • just like we've received oursalvation, we forgive in faith.
  • 00:10:17.295 --> 00:10:20.999
  • Is that how it worked for you?
  • 00:10:20.999 --> 00:10:22.534
  • Do you still at times say"God, I just release them
  • 00:10:22.534 --> 00:10:25.403
  • and I forgive them?"
  • 00:10:25.403 --> 00:10:26.337
  • Do you still do that?
  • 00:10:26.337 --> 00:10:27.772
  • - So, I think the way itworked for me is interesting.
  • 00:10:27.772 --> 00:10:31.109
  • There is so much powerin our testimony.
  • 00:10:31.109 --> 00:10:34.713
  • I was in college and this iswhen it became full circle.
  • 00:10:34.713 --> 00:10:36.981
  • I was in college and myroommate had been raped.
  • 00:10:36.981 --> 00:10:41.619
  • And I found out about it andI was talking to her about it,
  • 00:10:41.619 --> 00:10:44.456
  • and I said to her as she wascrying, I said "I understand."
  • 00:10:44.456 --> 00:10:48.793
  • And she said "how canyou possibly understand?
  • 00:10:48.793 --> 00:10:50.395
  • How can you possiblyunderstand?"
  • 00:10:50.395 --> 00:10:52.263
  • And I began to sharemy story with her
  • 00:10:52.263 --> 00:10:54.265
  • and through that, there waslike a softness that happened
  • 00:10:54.265 --> 00:10:59.237
  • that I realized number one,
  • 00:11:00.138 --> 00:11:01.573
  • what happened I would preferthat it didn't happen,
  • 00:11:01.573 --> 00:11:03.875
  • but at the end of the day itdid and because it happened,
  • 00:11:03.875 --> 00:11:06.511
  • in that moment I was able tobe a minister to this person---
  • 00:11:06.511 --> 00:11:11.015
  • - Yes, the Aha, you too moment.
  • 00:11:11.015 --> 00:11:12.317
  • - That's really whatbecame the power
  • 00:11:12.317 --> 00:11:14.419
  • for me to choose forgivenessis when I realized
  • 00:11:14.419 --> 00:11:17.055
  • like Joseph I mean my God,
  • 00:11:17.055 --> 00:11:18.523
  • Joseph his brothers literallyput him in slavery right?
  • 00:11:18.523 --> 00:11:21.760
  • - Right.
  • 00:11:21.760 --> 00:11:23.027
  • - But if it wasn'tfor what they did,
  • 00:11:23.027 --> 00:11:24.295
  • he would not haveeventually become
  • 00:11:24.295 --> 00:11:25.396
  • the Prime Minister of Egypt
  • 00:11:25.396 --> 00:11:26.931
  • and been able to savehis entire nation.
  • 00:11:26.931 --> 00:11:29.033
  • I had to realizethat you know what?
  • 00:11:30.168 --> 00:11:31.803
  • It sucked, but becauseit happened I am now able
  • 00:11:31.803 --> 00:11:35.740
  • to be a minister toothers who are in bondage
  • 00:11:35.740 --> 00:11:37.876
  • and so I'm gratefulfor the grace of God.
  • 00:11:37.876 --> 00:11:41.312
  • I'm sorry for thepeople who hurt me,
  • 00:11:41.312 --> 00:11:42.947
  • because I know hurtpeople hurt people,
  • 00:11:42.947 --> 00:11:45.283
  • but it happened becauseGod intended to use it.
  • 00:11:45.283 --> 00:11:48.052
  • We place so muchstock in apologies.
  • 00:11:48.052 --> 00:11:51.923
  • When somebody hurts us,
  • 00:11:51.923 --> 00:11:53.458
  • you know we really want tohear them say I'm sorry.
  • 00:11:53.458 --> 00:11:56.795
  • But there's really nopower in an apology.
  • 00:11:56.795 --> 00:11:59.831
  • I mean if you think about it,
  • 00:11:59.831 --> 00:12:01.299
  • we apologize because we'resocially conditioned to do so.
  • 00:12:01.299 --> 00:12:04.402
  • Even as a child right,so we hurt something,
  • 00:12:04.402 --> 00:12:07.338
  • we broke something and we'retold "say you're sorry."
  • 00:12:07.338 --> 00:12:10.942
  • And so, we learnedto say we're sorry
  • 00:12:10.942 --> 00:12:12.577
  • when many times we're not.
  • 00:12:12.577 --> 00:12:14.579
  • I think that wehave to recognize
  • 00:12:14.579 --> 00:12:16.247
  • that there is no inherentpower in an apology
  • 00:12:16.247 --> 00:12:19.350
  • to heal what hurts
  • 00:12:19.350 --> 00:12:21.519
  • and whether a person everasks for forgiveness or not,
  • 00:12:21.519 --> 00:12:25.190
  • we have the powerto forgive them
  • 00:12:25.190 --> 00:12:27.926
  • because we have to understandforgiveness is not about them
  • 00:12:27.926 --> 00:12:31.796
  • it's about us.
  • 00:12:31.796 --> 00:12:33.031
  • It's the power thatwe have to essentially
  • 00:12:33.031 --> 00:12:36.000
  • break the past awayfrom our future.
  • 00:12:36.000 --> 00:12:38.870
  • It's the power we haveto reclaim ownershipover our destiny
  • 00:12:38.870 --> 00:12:43.007
  • and basically say"listen what happened
  • 00:12:43.007 --> 00:12:45.476
  • should not have happenedand I wish it didn't happen,
  • 00:12:45.476 --> 00:12:48.012
  • but I forgive you becauseI'm not going to allow that
  • 00:12:48.012 --> 00:12:51.182
  • to control the rest of my life."
  • 00:12:51.182 --> 00:12:52.984
  • - Whether you'resharing your testimony,
  • 00:12:55.353 --> 00:12:57.322
  • - Or a prayer request,
  • 00:12:57.322 --> 00:12:58.823
  • - Stay connected with us onsocial media @bettertogethertv.
  • 00:12:58.823 --> 00:13:02.293
  • - Join the conversation.
  • 00:13:02.293 --> 00:13:03.695
  • - We can't waitto hear from you.
  • 00:13:03.695 --> 00:13:05.363
  • - That's the redemptivepower of Christ.
  • 00:13:09.167 --> 00:13:11.369
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:13:11.369 --> 00:13:12.437
  • - Stunning, absolutely stunning.
  • 00:13:12.437 --> 00:13:14.305
  • I hate that youwent through that.
  • 00:13:14.305 --> 00:13:16.841
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:13:16.841 --> 00:13:18.076
  • - But I'm thinking thenumber of women watching
  • 00:13:18.076 --> 00:13:19.811
  • and they've gone throughsomething like that.
  • 00:13:19.811 --> 00:13:21.279
  • And their question mightbecome "God where were you?"
  • 00:13:21.279 --> 00:13:25.016
  • How did you dealwith that of thinking
  • 00:13:25.016 --> 00:13:27.518
  • "if you're sovereignand you're loving,
  • 00:13:27.518 --> 00:13:30.388
  • why didn't you stop it?"
  • 00:13:30.388 --> 00:13:31.522
  • - So, I had aninteresting situation.
  • 00:13:31.522 --> 00:13:33.391
  • I wasn't raised ina Christian home so,
  • 00:13:33.391 --> 00:13:35.760
  • I didn't know anything aboutGod or the Bible or church
  • 00:13:35.760 --> 00:13:38.196
  • like I had no meansof comparison.
  • 00:13:38.196 --> 00:13:40.198
  • My first time inchurch when I was 11
  • 00:13:41.332 --> 00:13:43.201
  • and the preacherpreached that day,
  • 00:13:43.201 --> 00:13:45.169
  • I think it was out of Psalm 68.
  • 00:13:45.169 --> 00:13:46.437
  • He said "God is a fatherto the fatherless."
  • 00:13:46.437 --> 00:13:49.240
  • And when he said that,
  • 00:13:49.240 --> 00:13:50.575
  • because I had alwayswanted my father,
  • 00:13:50.575 --> 00:13:52.810
  • it spoke to me and Ithink from that moment
  • 00:13:52.810 --> 00:13:57.348
  • is when I really started tostudy the word of God on my own
  • 00:13:57.348 --> 00:13:59.984
  • and I discovered myidentity in the Bible
  • 00:13:59.984 --> 00:14:02.553
  • that the abuse didn'tstop immediately
  • 00:14:02.553 --> 00:14:05.256
  • but I realized wait a minutethere's a father in heaven.
  • 00:14:05.256 --> 00:14:08.626
  • I look back now and I'm like
  • 00:14:08.626 --> 00:14:10.762
  • I should have diedwhen I was nine,
  • 00:14:10.762 --> 00:14:12.230
  • I should have died when Iwas 11, I should not be here.
  • 00:14:12.230 --> 00:14:15.400
  • There was a God in heavenwho was protecting me
  • 00:14:15.400 --> 00:14:17.368
  • when I didn't even wantanyone to protect me.
  • 00:14:17.368 --> 00:14:19.103
  • I wanted to die.
  • 00:14:19.103 --> 00:14:20.471
  • So it isn't aquestion of why me?
  • 00:14:20.471 --> 00:14:23.274
  • I've learned to release the why.
  • 00:14:23.274 --> 00:14:25.777
  • - That's good.
  • 00:14:25.777 --> 00:14:27.111
  • - Because I think why issuch a toxic question.
  • 00:14:27.111 --> 00:14:28.780
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:14:28.780 --> 00:14:30.048
  • - Especially whenthere's no answer
  • 00:14:30.048 --> 00:14:30.848
  • that can bring healing.
  • 00:14:30.848 --> 00:14:32.116
  • Like it doesn't matter.
  • 00:14:32.116 --> 00:14:33.384
  • - It'll never satisfy.
  • 00:14:33.384 --> 00:14:34.786
  • - If he said---
  • 00:14:34.786 --> 00:14:35.720
  • - It's not gonna be good enough.
  • 00:14:35.720 --> 00:14:36.955
  • - "Oh I did it becauseit happened to me."
  • 00:14:36.955 --> 00:14:38.189
  • That doesn't makeme feel better.
  • 00:14:38.189 --> 00:14:39.424
  • If my mom said "ohI let it happen
  • 00:14:39.424 --> 00:14:40.591
  • because it happened to me."
  • 00:14:40.591 --> 00:14:41.526
  • It doesn't make me feel better.
  • 00:14:41.526 --> 00:14:42.860
  • So I had to release whyand just accept what
  • 00:14:42.860 --> 00:14:47.265
  • and say "OK God usethis for your glory."
  • 00:14:47.265 --> 00:14:50.368
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:14:50.368 --> 00:14:51.302
  • - And that's what He's done.
  • 00:14:51.302 --> 00:14:52.036
  • - Wow!
  • 00:14:52.036 --> 00:14:53.471
  • So, the forgiveness process,how did it look like?
  • 00:14:53.471 --> 00:14:56.007
  • - A lot of prayer.
  • 00:14:56.007 --> 00:14:57.342
  • A lot of prayerand I also had to
  • 00:14:57.342 --> 00:14:59.310
  • physically kindaseparate myself.
  • 00:14:59.310 --> 00:15:02.146
  • Because you know, what I'vediscovered about forgiveness
  • 00:15:02.146 --> 00:15:05.183
  • there's two sides of the coin,
  • 00:15:05.183 --> 00:15:06.684
  • there's forgiveness andthere's repentance right?
  • 00:15:06.684 --> 00:15:08.453
  • So the people thattransgress against us,
  • 00:15:08.453 --> 00:15:10.888
  • repentance is their pathto reconciliation with us.
  • 00:15:10.888 --> 00:15:14.058
  • My mother was notwilling to repent
  • 00:15:14.058 --> 00:15:16.294
  • and therefore she continuedto perpetuate the pain
  • 00:15:16.294 --> 00:15:19.430
  • and so I had to physicallyseparate myself,
  • 00:15:19.430 --> 00:15:21.332
  • but through prayer, like I prayfor my mother every morning,
  • 00:15:21.332 --> 00:15:24.869
  • every single morning and that'smade my heart tender to her.
  • 00:15:24.869 --> 00:15:28.973
  • Discovering the fact thatGod's power is strong enough
  • 00:15:28.973 --> 00:15:32.510
  • to break that brokenness,that's what really did it for me
  • 00:15:32.510 --> 00:15:37.115
  • is prayer, studythe word of God,
  • 00:15:37.115 --> 00:15:39.250
  • being in a community of people
  • 00:15:39.250 --> 00:15:41.185
  • who have been throughthe same thing
  • 00:15:41.185 --> 00:15:42.687
  • and we're strengthening eachother, that's important.
  • 00:15:42.687 --> 00:15:46.124
  • Don't isolate yourself, becauseonce you isolate yourself,
  • 00:15:46.124 --> 00:15:49.394
  • that's when the enemy isempowered to speak lies to you
  • 00:15:49.394 --> 00:15:52.930
  • about how you're not worthyand that's just happened
  • 00:15:52.930 --> 00:15:55.600
  • because you wanted it.
  • 00:15:55.600 --> 00:15:57.168
  • I think it was gettingin a community of people
  • 00:15:58.336 --> 00:15:59.904
  • who we're able tospeak life to me
  • 00:15:59.904 --> 00:16:01.773
  • that really made the difference.
  • 00:16:01.773 --> 00:16:03.007
  • - I like what you'vesaid about Steven
  • 00:16:03.007 --> 00:16:04.342
  • that sometimes you haveto do it 700 times a day
  • 00:16:04.342 --> 00:16:07.078
  • or 400 times a day.
  • 00:16:07.078 --> 00:16:08.813
  • To me, you start where you are.
  • 00:16:08.813 --> 00:16:10.248
  • - Right.
  • 00:16:10.248 --> 00:16:11.482
  • - I had a friend whoreally betrayed me
  • 00:16:11.482 --> 00:16:12.817
  • somehow because she wasone of my best friends
  • 00:16:14.018 --> 00:16:16.487
  • and I trusted her, itcut so much deeper.
  • 00:16:16.487 --> 00:16:19.724
  • And my first prayer offorgiveness was like
  • 00:16:19.724 --> 00:16:22.326
  • "Lord I forgive her butyou know I don't mean it."
  • 00:16:22.326 --> 00:16:25.663
  • (talking over one another)
  • 00:16:25.663 --> 00:16:26.864
  • - [Dianna] No, I don't like her.
  • 00:16:26.864 --> 00:16:28.766
  • Okay, I said itI don't like her.
  • 00:16:28.766 --> 00:16:30.268
  • - Give her a large boilin the middle of her face.
  • 00:16:30.268 --> 00:16:31.869
  • To me it's like here's my willand here's the will of God
  • 00:16:34.205 --> 00:16:36.574
  • and I wanted to drag my willin line with the will of God.
  • 00:16:36.574 --> 00:16:39.477
  • So, I started where I was.
  • 00:16:39.477 --> 00:16:40.778
  • The interesting thingwas as I prayed,
  • 00:16:40.778 --> 00:16:42.980
  • and prayed every single day,
  • 00:16:42.980 --> 00:16:45.516
  • I found it by the end ofa few months in a year,
  • 00:16:45.516 --> 00:16:47.685
  • I was actually praying for her
  • 00:16:47.685 --> 00:16:48.653
  • with tears running down my face.
  • 00:16:48.653 --> 00:16:51.055
  • And interestingly enough,
  • 00:16:51.055 --> 00:16:52.990
  • I saw her for thefirst time last week.
  • 00:16:52.990 --> 00:16:55.059
  • - Wow!
  • 00:16:55.059 --> 00:16:56.694
  • - And we hugged each other.
  • 00:16:56.694 --> 00:16:58.062
  • - [Dianna] Wow!
  • 00:16:58.062 --> 00:16:59.897
  • - See the goodness of God whenGod says we need to forgive,
  • 00:16:59.897 --> 00:17:04.402
  • it's not for them, it's for us.
  • 00:17:04.402 --> 00:17:06.737
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:17:06.737 --> 00:17:08.005
  • - And what He can doon the inside of us
  • 00:17:08.005 --> 00:17:10.308
  • and Him showing Hismercy and Himself
  • 00:17:10.308 --> 00:17:13.578
  • in such a beautiful wayto us and I know sometimes
  • 00:17:13.578 --> 00:17:16.647
  • that is so hard because,
  • 00:17:16.647 --> 00:17:18.483
  • there have beentimes I have said
  • 00:17:18.483 --> 00:17:20.251
  • "God I forgive butit's out of such pain
  • 00:17:20.251 --> 00:17:23.488
  • and you know my heart.
  • 00:17:23.488 --> 00:17:25.556
  • My heart is asblack as this Bible
  • 00:17:25.556 --> 00:17:28.459
  • and you know that but I amgoing to pray for them."
  • 00:17:28.459 --> 00:17:33.164
  • And God all of a sudden justworks His gracious goodness
  • 00:17:33.164 --> 00:17:37.635
  • on us and we get to see Himin such a beautiful way.
  • 00:17:37.635 --> 00:17:42.273
  • And all His waysare so beautifully
  • 00:17:42.273 --> 00:17:44.308
  • not everything is good butHe takes all of our mess,
  • 00:17:44.308 --> 00:17:48.379
  • He takes everythingthat was horrible,
  • 00:17:48.379 --> 00:17:50.248
  • and He makes it good for us.
  • 00:17:50.248 --> 00:17:52.416
  • - Yes.
  • 00:17:52.416 --> 00:17:53.651
  • - You know and that'sjust knowing Jesus,
  • 00:17:53.651 --> 00:17:56.020
  • that's just the life we live.
  • 00:17:56.020 --> 00:17:58.456
  • - Life is not fair butforgiveness is God's gift to us
  • 00:17:58.456 --> 00:18:03.394
  • to live in a worldthat's not fair.
  • 00:18:04.562 --> 00:18:06.430
  • We get to take that offenseand we get to put it
  • 00:18:06.430 --> 00:18:09.901
  • at the foot of the cross.
  • 00:18:09.901 --> 00:18:11.736
  • Now, is it great if we'reable to go to that person
  • 00:18:11.736 --> 00:18:14.639
  • and if they own it and ifthey ask for forgiveness?
  • 00:18:14.639 --> 00:18:18.242
  • That's wonderful.
  • 00:18:18.242 --> 00:18:19.677
  • But you don't haveto wait for that.
  • 00:18:19.677 --> 00:18:21.546
  • It might not even be safe
  • 00:18:21.546 --> 00:18:23.181
  • for you to be in relationshipagain with that person
  • 00:18:23.181 --> 00:18:26.150
  • but I want you to know thatChrist wants you to be free.
  • 00:18:26.150 --> 00:18:30.188
  • Someone said and I couldn'tremember who or I'd credit them,
  • 00:18:30.188 --> 00:18:32.557
  • but "when we refuse to forgiveis like drinking poison
  • 00:18:32.557 --> 00:18:35.626
  • and waiting for theother person to die."
  • 00:18:35.626 --> 00:18:37.862
  • You don't have to livein that cage anymore.
  • 00:18:37.862 --> 00:18:40.698
  • - I think weromanticize forgiveness.
  • 00:18:41.699 --> 00:18:45.002
  • I think we watch one toomany Hallmark movies.
  • 00:18:45.002 --> 00:18:47.772
  • (laughter)
  • 00:18:47.772 --> 00:18:49.707
  • You know, there is a script,it's done in two hours,
  • 00:18:49.707 --> 00:18:51.876
  • it's a tragedy, climax, the end.
  • 00:18:51.876 --> 00:18:54.178
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:18:54.178 --> 00:18:55.379
  • - We've watched onetoo many Disney movies.
  • 00:18:55.379 --> 00:18:56.380
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:18:56.380 --> 00:18:57.315
  • - You know, like---
  • 00:18:57.315 --> 00:18:58.549
  • - It's all like TheLittle Mermaid right?
  • 00:18:58.549 --> 00:18:59.850
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:18:59.850 --> 00:19:01.052
  • Then it's like theylive happily ever after.
  • 00:19:01.052 --> 00:19:02.720
  • No, not everybody liveshappily ever after.
  • 00:19:02.720 --> 00:19:04.755
  • And so for forgiveness,especially for my life,
  • 00:19:04.755 --> 00:19:09.060
  • it was the nittygritty of you know
  • 00:19:09.060 --> 00:19:11.462
  • from word on paper to real life.
  • 00:19:11.462 --> 00:19:15.099
  • Like how does that happen?
  • 00:19:15.099 --> 00:19:17.201
  • And so, for people thatsuffer trauma you know,
  • 00:19:17.201 --> 00:19:20.304
  • just inner healingstuff like it's still
  • 00:19:20.304 --> 00:19:23.074
  • in the workings or the makingslike in the showroom floor
  • 00:19:23.074 --> 00:19:27.778
  • where all the bitsand parts of the car
  • 00:19:27.778 --> 00:19:29.747
  • are all over theplace and you're like
  • 00:19:29.747 --> 00:19:31.415
  • "can I ever recover this?"
  • 00:19:31.415 --> 00:19:33.351
  • I'm here to say yes, you can.
  • 00:19:33.351 --> 00:19:35.553
  • However, it's the toughwork of forgiveness.
  • 00:19:35.553 --> 00:19:39.790
  • It's work.
  • 00:19:39.790 --> 00:19:40.625
  • - Yeah, absolutely.
  • 00:19:40.625 --> 00:19:41.459
  • - This is work.
  • 00:19:41.459 --> 00:19:42.893
  • And so for me, what itlooked like it was you know,
  • 00:19:42.893 --> 00:19:45.296
  • getting married, afterhaving my four babies,
  • 00:19:45.296 --> 00:19:47.732
  • having this moment of like,I imploded at the age of 23
  • 00:19:47.732 --> 00:19:52.737
  • and walking throughhealing in my marriage,
  • 00:19:53.871 --> 00:19:55.473
  • it's marriage is notlike the climax of life.
  • 00:19:55.473 --> 00:19:57.742
  • It's like anotherlayer, another process
  • 00:19:57.742 --> 00:20:00.645
  • that you invite toprocess you, right?
  • 00:20:00.645 --> 00:20:03.781
  • So, I distinctly remember
  • 00:20:03.781 --> 00:20:07.084
  • just having my kidsat my mom's home.
  • 00:20:07.084 --> 00:20:10.955
  • Now, this is my mom,my biological mom
  • 00:20:10.955 --> 00:20:13.324
  • and then my step dadnow he was the abuser.
  • 00:20:13.324 --> 00:20:15.726
  • So, I'm at the home, my kids,
  • 00:20:15.726 --> 00:20:18.896
  • never wanted them to stay there
  • 00:20:18.896 --> 00:20:20.731
  • but I would come and bring thekids so my mom would see them
  • 00:20:20.731 --> 00:20:24.568
  • and it was a momentwhere my daughter
  • 00:20:24.568 --> 00:20:26.904
  • started running downthe hallway into like
  • 00:20:26.904 --> 00:20:29.273
  • the lights weren't on andsomething just triggered.
  • 00:20:29.273 --> 00:20:32.043
  • I swept my kids up, left
  • 00:20:32.043 --> 00:20:34.712
  • and I was like Ican't do that this.
  • 00:20:34.712 --> 00:20:37.148
  • This is crazy,this is crazy town.
  • 00:20:37.148 --> 00:20:39.984
  • I love my mom but Ican't coexist with this
  • 00:20:39.984 --> 00:20:44.989
  • that's unresolved and metrying to keep pushing forward.
  • 00:20:44.989 --> 00:20:49.960
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:20:50.761 --> 00:20:51.996
  • - So, I remember Ispoke with my husband.
  • 00:20:51.996 --> 00:20:55.232
  • My husband said "areyou ready to do this?"
  • 00:20:55.232 --> 00:20:57.968
  • And I said yes.
  • 00:20:57.968 --> 00:20:59.537
  • So, I made an appointmentwith my mom, my step dad.
  • 00:20:59.537 --> 00:21:01.906
  • So, we were in the living room,
  • 00:21:01.906 --> 00:21:03.507
  • you know like the furniturehad plastic coverings
  • 00:21:03.507 --> 00:21:06.143
  • and everything you knowthe Latina version.
  • 00:21:06.143 --> 00:21:07.945
  • (laughter)
  • 00:21:07.945 --> 00:21:10.748
  • No stains on the carpet, nostains on the couches all right.
  • 00:21:10.748 --> 00:21:14.285
  • So we're sitting there
  • 00:21:14.285 --> 00:21:16.387
  • and I started off theconversation with my mom
  • 00:21:16.387 --> 00:21:20.458
  • and my step dad andhe was in a wheelchair
  • 00:21:20.458 --> 00:21:23.027
  • going through dialysis andI don't want to expose him
  • 00:21:23.027 --> 00:21:27.298
  • in such a way whereit's demeaning anddishonoring of my mom
  • 00:21:27.298 --> 00:21:30.601
  • but at the same time,I needed to do this.
  • 00:21:30.601 --> 00:21:33.104
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:21:33.104 --> 00:21:34.338
  • - So my husband startedoff the conversation.
  • 00:21:34.338 --> 00:21:36.006
  • I looked to my stepdad and I said you know
  • 00:21:36.006 --> 00:21:38.876
  • you did this to me andall of a sudden my mom's
  • 00:21:38.876 --> 00:21:41.512
  • you know like just thenegative impact of news
  • 00:21:41.512 --> 00:21:46.217
  • falling on you knowing that ithas happened that it is true.
  • 00:21:46.217 --> 00:21:50.121
  • - Yeah knowing it's true.
  • 00:21:50.121 --> 00:21:51.155
  • - It's different.
  • 00:21:51.155 --> 00:21:54.291
  • So, when the news fell onher, seeing my mom crumble,
  • 00:21:54.291 --> 00:21:57.895
  • seeing my step dad allof a sudden straighten up
  • 00:21:57.895 --> 00:22:01.165
  • and say "you've ruined my life."
  • 00:22:01.165 --> 00:22:03.334
  • - What?
  • 00:22:04.435 --> 00:22:05.269
  • - Yeah.
  • 00:22:05.269 --> 00:22:06.537
  • And so I paused, myhusband stepped in.
  • 00:22:06.537 --> 00:22:09.473
  • He goes "do you understandwhat she just said?
  • 00:22:09.473 --> 00:22:12.643
  • you've abused her and you'rerefusing to admit it."
  • 00:22:12.643 --> 00:22:16.680
  • He just sat there quietlyand I continued and I said
  • 00:22:16.680 --> 00:22:21.118
  • "I forgive you.
  • 00:22:21.118 --> 00:22:22.686
  • I don't need an apologyfrom you but I forgive you."
  • 00:22:22.686 --> 00:22:26.524
  • And so, all of a sudden it feltlike this weight was lifted.
  • 00:22:26.524 --> 00:22:31.529
  • - Wow!
  • 00:22:32.029 --> 00:22:34.799
  • - Dignity and self-respectall in a moment.
  • 00:22:34.799 --> 00:22:37.468
  • It's like, I don't wanna evenuse I'm taking my power back
  • 00:22:38.903 --> 00:22:42.039
  • because I have no power.
  • 00:22:42.039 --> 00:22:43.574
  • - It's like rising up in Christ.
  • 00:22:43.574 --> 00:22:45.042
  • - It's showing darknessand bring it into the light
  • 00:22:45.042 --> 00:22:49.613
  • in that I'm choosing God's wordwhether I feel it or don't,
  • 00:22:51.048 --> 00:22:54.685
  • I'm choosing God's word andso I'm holding God's word
  • 00:22:54.685 --> 00:22:57.721
  • and I'm like you know what?
  • 00:22:57.721 --> 00:23:00.291
  • I don't hold youresponsible anymore.
  • 00:23:00.291 --> 00:23:02.359
  • I leave you in thehands of Jesus.
  • 00:23:02.359 --> 00:23:04.395
  • And so, I walkedout of that place.
  • 00:23:04.395 --> 00:23:07.798
  • My husband he was so proudof me, at the same time sad,
  • 00:23:07.798 --> 00:23:12.670
  • at the same time wantsto hurt somebody.
  • 00:23:12.670 --> 00:23:14.738
  • - Absolutely, absolutely.
  • 00:23:14.738 --> 00:23:17.041
  • - But the wholeend of this is that
  • 00:23:17.041 --> 00:23:20.444
  • for those of us whofeel so fragmented,
  • 00:23:20.444 --> 00:23:23.614
  • feel like we can't get over it,
  • 00:23:23.614 --> 00:23:26.050
  • like I'm here to tell youlike there is a process,
  • 00:23:26.050 --> 00:23:29.487
  • there is a coming of theminds, meeting of the minds
  • 00:23:29.487 --> 00:23:32.556
  • and you come to grips with thehonest conversation you know
  • 00:23:32.556 --> 00:23:35.993
  • whether your abuser,you know who abuse you
  • 00:23:35.993 --> 00:23:38.496
  • doesn't even ask for forgivenessdoesn't even say I'm sorry
  • 00:23:38.496 --> 00:23:42.466
  • you know maybe railroads youand tells you to be quiet
  • 00:23:42.466 --> 00:23:45.903
  • and never addressedthe issue with you.
  • 00:23:45.903 --> 00:23:48.472
  • But I left that place different,
  • 00:23:48.472 --> 00:23:51.876
  • I felt like I met Jesus there.
  • 00:23:51.876 --> 00:23:53.911
  • Like another part of likethe weapons of warfare
  • 00:23:53.911 --> 00:23:58.482
  • were added to my likeArsenal is like you know.
  • 00:23:58.482 --> 00:24:01.418
  • (laughter)
  • 00:24:01.418 --> 00:24:03.954
  • But that's what theLord did in my life
  • 00:24:03.954 --> 00:24:07.191
  • and now I'm livinga blessed life
  • 00:24:07.191 --> 00:24:09.560
  • because even thoughforgiveness doesn't give proof
  • 00:24:09.560 --> 00:24:14.031
  • but it does release you.
  • 00:24:14.031 --> 00:24:15.666
  • It's like havinga piano you know
  • 00:24:15.666 --> 00:24:17.735
  • dangling on the otherside of the building
  • 00:24:17.735 --> 00:24:19.336
  • and you're tied atthe other end you know
  • 00:24:19.336 --> 00:24:21.505
  • it's gonna either pull you oryou just going to release it.
  • 00:24:21.505 --> 00:24:24.441
  • So I---
  • 00:24:24.441 --> 00:24:25.476
  • - You took that territory back.
  • 00:24:25.476 --> 00:24:26.710
  • You took that pieceof your soul back.
  • 00:24:26.710 --> 00:24:28.245
  • - Yeah, it's like, sometimesforgiveness is just greedy.
  • 00:24:28.245 --> 00:24:31.482
  • You have to.
  • 00:24:31.482 --> 00:24:33.117
  • - So God, I pray right nowfor those who are watching,
  • 00:24:33.117 --> 00:24:36.320
  • for those who are listeningand there saying that
  • 00:24:36.320 --> 00:24:38.956
  • "you know what the ability toforgive is beyond my capacity,
  • 00:24:38.956 --> 00:24:43.594
  • it's beyond my strength."
  • 00:24:43.594 --> 00:24:45.696
  • God, I pray that your gracewould just be in the hearts
  • 00:24:45.696 --> 00:24:50.267
  • of those people.
  • 00:24:50.267 --> 00:24:51.802
  • I pray Lord that you wouldhelp them to recognize
  • 00:24:51.802 --> 00:24:54.972
  • that forgiveness is a giftthat we give to ourselves
  • 00:24:54.972 --> 00:24:58.909
  • so that we can actuallystep into the future
  • 00:24:58.909 --> 00:25:01.145
  • without the baggagefrom the past.
  • 00:25:01.145 --> 00:25:03.847
  • I pray God for thembut I also pray
  • 00:25:03.847 --> 00:25:06.517
  • that you will make theirhearts tender to the person
  • 00:25:06.517 --> 00:25:09.053
  • who hurt them so deeply
  • 00:25:09.053 --> 00:25:10.554
  • even that person who hasnever asked for forgiveness.
  • 00:25:10.554 --> 00:25:13.657
  • That person who is indignant,
  • 00:25:13.657 --> 00:25:15.626
  • that person who even blamedthem for what they did.
  • 00:25:15.626 --> 00:25:19.563
  • My prayer God is that youwould help them to become
  • 00:25:19.563 --> 00:25:22.733
  • tender to that person becauseonly through tenderness
  • 00:25:22.733 --> 00:25:27.004
  • will they actuallyexperience freedom.
  • 00:25:27.004 --> 00:25:29.740
  • In Jesus name I pray.
  • 00:25:29.740 --> 00:25:31.342
  • Amen.
  • 00:25:31.342 --> 00:25:32.943
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  • - How do we accomplishthe one accord?
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